Chapter Text
Dean finds Cas in his room. The door isn’t even all the way shut. He suddenly realizes how accessible Cas has been this entire time, and he feels like an asshole for staying away for so long.
Cas is sitting on his bed, upright against the headboard with a book in his lap that he’d apparently been reading. But his eyes are already trained on Dean as if he’d heard him coming and had been staring at the door to see if he’d come in.
He must not have really expected Dean to push the door open, because his eyes go wide in panic.
“Dean,” Cas says. It’s a greeting, a protest, and a supplication all at once.
That familiar voice washes over Dean and he has to close his eyes for a second to keep them from misting up. He hadn’t truly realized how much better he’d feel with Cas there in front of him again. Alive. Perfect.
“Hey, Cas,” Dean says.
There’s a weird thing going on in his body, like he’s being pulled towards Cas but also wants to bolt. He wants to deal with this, and he simultaneously doesn’t ever want to deal with it. But he knows now which side he needs to be on, so. Onward it is.
“Can I come in?” he asks. He wants to make it definitive: he’s here on purpose.
“Of course,” Cas says.
Dean steps into the room and stops. He stares at Cas. Cas stares back.
Yeah. Dean hadn’t really planned this out, like at all. Okay, well. First thing’s first.
He shuts the door behind him, and it closes with a click that sounds much louder than usual. Cas glances quickly at the door and then back at Dean. Then back at the door. Then back at Dean. Then he seems to collect himself and gives Dean a slight smile.
“What can I do for you, Dean?” Cas asks.
Dean legit wants to cry at the implication that he’d only seek Cas out if he needed something from him. His resolve to have this conversation strengthens, because that’s messed up. He messed up with Cas, over and over. Time and again he’s failed to let Cas know how much he’s valued. How can he even begin to fix that?
“I just wanted to see you,” Dean says, because he has to start somewhere.
“Oh,” Cas says. He lowers his gaze to the book on his lap.
Dean has never seen Cas like this. Quiet, unsure. It really is adorable, dammit. But it does give Dean a bit more confidence than he’d had before.
“Can I sit with you?” he asks.
Cas lowers his gaze even further, but he nods.
Dean considers where to sit. It’d make most sense to sit on the edge of the bed near Cas’ feet, but he’s feeling brave. Instead he walks around to the other side of the bed.
“This okay?” he checks, gesturing to the space next to Cas.
Cas looks up at Dean, and Dean can tell he’s trying his best to keep his expression neutral. It almost works, if not for the way he chews on his bottom lip before answering.
“Of course,” Cas says.
Dean toes off his slippers and climbs onto the bed, sitting beside Cas and mirroring his position. He realizes immediately that he’s miscalculated, because now they’re both facing forward and he’d have to turn his head to look at Cas. Whatever, at least he made it here.
This reminds him of what they used to do before he set up the Dean Cave. Sit next to each other on the bed, legs outstretched, a laptop set between them, watching all the movies Dean wanted to introduce to Cas. All those little parts of himself that he wanted Cas to know about.
Dean closes his eyes, and for a moment he feels like he used to feel back then. Giddy at the proximity, but ultimately frustrated with himself and his life. Because he’d thought this was the closest he could ever get to Cas.
When he opens his eyes, Dean is back in the present. And goddamn is he glad to be here.
“I’m really happy you’re home, man,” Dean says.
From the corner of his eye, Dean can see Cas turning to look at him. Dean doesn’t look back because he needs to keep talking and it’s easier this way.
“Huge understatement, actually. I don’t even - I - I can’t - “ Dean takes a breath and starts over. Decides to start simple. “I don’t want to live without you.”
There’s a sharp intake of breath beside him, followed by an equally sharp pang of joy inside of Dean at eliciting it. It morphs into feeling like a case of the butterflies ramped up to eleven. He wants more of that.
“I’m serious, man. I won’t ever be okay if you’re not with me, that’s just how it is,” Dean continues. “And it’s seriously, seriously awesome to have you back here. But I’ve - you know - I’ve missed you these past few days.”
“I’m right here, Dean,” Cas says.
“Yeah but I haven’t seen you around, you know? And I get it,” Dean says, holding up a hand before Cas can argue. “I get it. I haven’t exactly been all up in your face, either. But you know I’ve actually been waiting for you?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I figured you’d track me down first thing. And then you didn’t. But I didn’t either, so. Now I’m here.” Dean is losing his train of thought; he can feel Cas watching him so intently it’s almost a physical sensation.
“Now you’re here,” Cas agrees with a hint of awe and an equal amount of bewilderment.
“Right. So, I just, you know.” Dean clears his throat, looks down at his hands where he’s picking at a fingernail. “I figured we should probably talk.”
There’s an audible gulp beside him, and there, that’s the spot. Dean feels that squirming happy feeling in his gut again, the one that apparently comes from getting a reaction out of Cas. He’s emboldened anew, and looks to his right to see that Cas is now looking down at his own hands.
“Hey man, look at me,” Dean says quietly.
Cas doesn’t look at him.
“Dean - “ he starts, and the distress in his voice grips Dean tightly around the heart.
This isn’t gonna give Dean the squirmy happy feeling, so he decides to try something else. It’s a bit of a leap of faith, but at least it’s familiar territory for him.
“Okay, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to,” Dean interrupts. He settles back against the headboard and stretches his legs a bit. Then he approaches the edge of the cliff. “It’s okay. I just like looking at you. Bonus if you’re looking back at me.”
Cas is suddenly still as a statue.
“You used to think it was creepy, the way I looked at you,” Cas says. Dean can’t place his tone of voice, but he’s definitely not angry.
“No, that was the way you watched me while I was sleeping,” Dean reminds him, and then smiles at the perfect opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t mind if you did that now, though. Not even a little bit.”
“Is that so?” Cas asks.
Dean can practically hear Cas thinking ‘stay cool, keep it together’ in a loop in his head. That won’t do. Dean has to jump now.
“Yeah, you can do whatever you want with me in bed, actually,” he says, letting his voice go deeper.
The response is instantaneous and extreme: Cas jumps off the bed faster than is humanly possible and starts pacing around the other side of the room. Dean watches this for a few moments as he basks in the glow of such an intense reaction. He wonders when he should interrupt, but then Cas sits back down as quickly as he’d gotten up. Dean waits as he settles in.
“Do you mean that?” Cas finally asks, his voice quieter than it’s ever been. He is - honest to god - actually wringing his hands.
Dean’s heart soars. He’s so glad he decided to finally do this.
“Well I dunno what kind of stuff you’re into, Cas, but I think I’ll try anything once. For you, I mean. Easy,” Dean says, trying to sound nonchalant.
It comes out sounding eager. Which is… okay. His eagerness isn’t something he actually wants to hide from Cas, so he resists the urge to back it up or cover it with a joke. It’s just weird hearing himself talk to Cas like that. He wants to get used to it, though.
He’s back to staring straight ahead of him, and he can tell that Cas is doing the same. That’s fine. They can do this their way; there’s no one here to judge them.
“Tell me we’re on the same page here, man. That this is what you meant when you said you couldn’t have what you wanted,” Dean says once the silence drags on too long.
“Dean, that wasn’t really about sex. Not that I don’t want to, but… It’s much more than that. And I don’t want you trying to be intimate with me just because you think it’s what I want.”
Okay so they’re almost on the same page. Getting there. Dean can close the gap. He takes a deep breath before he goes for it.
“No - I just - I wanted to make sure I wasn’t crossing a line,” Dean says. “I know it’s about more than that. You want -”
“All of you,” Cas interjects.
Dean swallows the joyous moan that arises at those words.
“Yeah. Yeah. I want that too, Cas,” he says instead. He hopes his voice conveys how deeply he wants that.
It seems to, because Cas is staring at him unabashedly now. It reminds Dean of when they first met, how Cas would lean in close and stare right through his eyes and into his soul.
“And I never thought I could have it, either,” Dean continues, and it feels like the words are being pulled out of him before he can consider them. “I didn’t even think you could have feelings like that.”
“Well, I can and I do,” Cas says somewhat irritatedly.
And it’s just so… Cas. Dean covers his face with both hands to hide his grin. It’s almost unbearable how much he loves this guy. He can’t believe he spent so long trying not to think about it. He can’t understand how he had even been able to avoid it. Cas is a burning star beside him, a celestial being of immense love and power. His pull feels inescapable.
“I get that now,” Dean says once he’s able to school his expression into something slightly less exuberant. “Don’t get so grouchy about it, I’m trying to have a moment with you, here.”
“Is that what this is?” Cas asks, because he’s a smartass who’s apparently found his footing in the conversation now.
“I said I was trying!” Dean laughs. “What, am I not sweeping you off your feet? You want flowers?”
“That would have been helpful before jumping straight into telling me to have my way with you.”
“Like you don’t want to!”
“Oh, I do. And I will.”
Dean’s brain shorts out at that one. He, uh. Yeah. Well. Okay.
“What?” Cas asks, biting back a smile.
“I liked this conversation better when I had the upper hand,” Dean says.
“Really?” The tone of Cas’ voice makes Dean turn to look at him, which is a mistake because he’s got an eyebrow raised and he’s pinning Dean with a shrewd look. “You’ve always struck me as more the submissive type.”
Uh. Well. That’s - that happened. This is happening. Cool.
“Uh, okay, um. Yeah. Right. Huh,” is all Dean can even say. How did he get here? Is this real life?
Cas laughs. It sounds beautiful. He looks beautiful too, and Dean can’t take his eyes off him.
“We can worry about that later,” Cas says, a warm smile on his face. “I love you, Dean.”
And there’s only one thing Dean can say to that.
“Me too, Cas.”