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Castiel used to love Friday nights.
As a child, he was like most kids his age. Friday signalled the end of the school-week, where homework, teachers and social hierarchies would cease to exist for a few days. Even now as an adult, he still remembered the feeling of coming home on a Friday afternoon, shouldering his backpack off and throwing it to the floor. He remembered the way the tension would ease from his shoulders and neck, the smile that would spread from cheek to cheek. He remembered the feeling of relief, knowing that he had two days all to himself.
Oh, how he missed that feeling.
His current Friday night centered around him being sat in front of his computer, a cold, half-eaten bowl of ramen beside him. It’s how he spent most of his Friday nights recently, alone in his apartment, checking emails. Despite having lived in Denver for almost a full-year, he had never really made any friends. Sure, he had co-workers who he had friendly chats to once in a while or the occasional warm greeting to a neighbour, but friends? That was always something that Castiel found challenging. In fact, if it weren’t for his middle school biology class, Castiel wondered if he ever would’ve made a friend at all.
Sixth grade was where he met his two closest friends, when the three of them were forced to sit together in biology. He first met Charlie, who at the time was a small little girl who constantly wore her red hair in two identical plaits. In the first five minutes of sitting together, they almost instantaneously became friends, sharing in a love of comic books and Zelda. They were chatting animatedly the moment Dean Winchester walked in, a destined-to-be-quarterback type of guy, with a cheeky smile. He was new to town and almost every kid at their school was obsessed with him, to the point that he was sure to gain a seat at the popular kids table by the end of the week.
So Castiel was shocked and nervous to say the least, when Dean was assigned to their table.
Thinking about those days always brought a smile to Cas’ face, because the boy who once seemed so out of reach was now his best friend. A person he trusted with far more than his own life and the solid foundation he leaned on in order to get through almost the entirety of his schooling.
It wasn’t long before Charlie found out that Dean was a Zelda fan too, and that one common interest seemingly opened the floodgates. It took a few weeks for Cas to feel at ease when talking to Dean, but soon enough, he felt a comfort he hadn’t felt for anyone but family. At first, their friendship remained within the walls of the lab, with the three of them chatting amongst the chaos of textbook questions and scientific experiments. While Charlie and Cas paired up with each other during lunch breaks, Dean was always hanging out with the school’s most notable students. This was until late October, when Dean surprised the two of them as they were having their lunch, asking if he could join them. And from that moment on, as most people say, the rest was history.
Cas paused his typing to look over at the photo of Dean, Charlie and himself that sat at his desk. It was taken at their high school graduation, when all of them were in a moment of euphoria over completing their secondary education. Dean was front and center in the picture, one arm slung around each of his friends. His smile was dazzling, bright and infectious. Whenever he flashed Cas a grin, Cas couldn’t help but smile as well.
Since their first meeting, Dean and Castiel hadn’t lived more than a forty minute car ride from each other. After high school, Dean won a football scholarship to a university in Kansas City, about forty miles away from where they lived in Lawrence, Kansas. Since Cas stayed local and attended KU, the two of them were still able to frequently see each other, including every Friday night.
Friday nights became an enjoyable tradition amongst the three friends. Their Friday nights most frequently included some form of greasy food, chocolate chip ice-cream and a classic science-fiction movie. Castiel could not count the amount of times they watched the star wars movies back to back.
The tradition started back in 6th grade and ended up continuing into their college years. However, with Charlie attending college in Michigan. Most of the time it ended up being just Cas and Dean, lounging in Cas’ basement, watching old movies on a crappy, second-hand television. Sometimes, they wouldn’t even watch movies, but just stay up for hours talking. Talking to Dean was effortless for Cas, which was surprising since he was a person who found talking to people utterly exhausting. At the time, Dean knew everything about him, from his great-aunt’s name to what he had for breakfast the day before. Their lives were entwined, a friendship formed over so many years, that they were essentially family.
As he thought back, Cas supposed that was where it all changed.
When college ended and both Dean and Charlie moved back home, it was safe to say that everyone thought Cas would stay and work in Lawrence. Being an accountant, there were a multitude of places he could work. He’d even seen countless advertisements at the time, all looking for a full-time or part-time accountant within the Lawrence district. Yet, he surprised everyone when he announced that he had taken a job in Denver, a good five-hundred miles from home.
He would never forget the look of betrayal in Dean’s eye, the sadness that laid underneath his mask of happiness. Dean had tried to be happy for him, Cas could see that. He was grateful for his friend’s attempts to support him, through helping him find an apartment, to packing up his childhood bedroom. But he knew that ultimately, Dean was clouded by sadness and was unable to understand why Cas had made this decision. Cas didn’t blame him, for it was a secret that he wouldn’t dare tell Dean.
Most Friday nights, they were able to somewhat keep up their tradition, through weekly phone calls. Life in Denver was much harder than Cas had thought, with limited friends and limited sources of happiness in a city where he knew nobody. His weekly calls to Dean and Charlie were the highlight of his week and the time where he truly felt like himself. Just like when he was a child returning home from school, getting home from work and calling his friends on the phone brought the same sense of relief. Every phone call ended with his cheeks hurting from smiling, his throat sore from talking and a cold feeling inside of him, as he couldn’t help but wonder why on Earth he still lived in Denver.
Then he would remember the goosebumps that littered his skin every time he heard Dean’s voice, or how his heart accelerated when Dean would let out a laugh. He would remember the numerous occasions he would linger on photos of Dean on social media, and the way his mouth would turn dry.
Sure, he was miserable living in Denver, but it was better, safer that way. Living in Denver meant he was less likely to blurt out that he was in love with his best friend, which would most likely result in losing one of the closest people in his life.
He could live with being sad and lonely, but he couldn’t live without Dean in his life. Even the thought was unbearable.
He looked over at the clock on his computer, which told him that it was just past ten. He’d already drank all of his evening tea and the email he was meant to send had sat unwritten for the past twenty minutes. His phone was void of any messages or calls, apart from the message that Dean had sent him earlier.
Hey Cas, sorry I can’t call tonight. Charlie is taking me out for drinks with some buddies of her’s from work. Raincheck for tomorrow?
Cas found it a sad sentiment that his nights ended up bleak and boring when he was unable to call his friends. He had hoped during the night that he would at least get a message from Dean, something that would help Cas feel as if he were included, even though he couldn’t physically be there.
But it was obvious Charlie and Dean were out enjoying themselves, too caught up in the fun of it all to think about Cas. He couldn’t blame them, no matter how bitter or sad he felt.
A yawn crept its way to his lips and his eyes began to water from exhaustion. It had been a long work week and the night had proved to be far more tiring, as he had attempted to work instead of enduring his feelings of self-loathing and isolation. He knew that it was unlikely that Dean or Charlie would contact him that night, and he was better off sleeping and awaiting their call tomorrow.
With one last look at his blank phone screen, Cas turned his computer off and headed for bed.
~*~
Castiel awoke to a buzzing.
It took a moment for him to drift out of sleep. He couldn’t remember if he was dreaming, or whether he was just in a deep sleep, but the buzzing was slow to pull him into consciousness. His eyes fluttered open slowly, his sight blurry as he tried to focus on the dark room around him. It took awhile for his brain to catch-up, as he tried to figure out what it was that woke him up. It wasn’t until his phone lit up with a notification, that he worked it out.
Dean: Voicemail Message
Dean: Missed Call
Cas frowned at the notifications, curious as to why Dean would call him at that time. It was late, being one in the morning and it was even later for Dean, who was an hour ahead. He wondered if maybe Dean had forgotten that he wasn’t supposed to call Cas that night, or maybe it was just a drunken dial? Cas was who Dean regularly called when drunk, spouting muffled and slurred sentences about love and honesty and friendship before either passing out in the street, or being rescued by Cas. Most of the time, Cas was far too concerned with helping Dean than to pay attention to what he was actually saying.
He unlocked his phone and clicked on the voicemail. With a sigh, he lifted his phone to his ear, prepared to listen to Dean spouting some unintelligible nonsense, before he would call Charlie and make sure that both herself and Dean were home safe.
Yet, the moment Dean began to talk, Cas felt himself freeze.
The voicemail was a minute long and Castiel listened to every word of it, feeling as his throat ran dry, almost to the point that Cas found himself unable to breathe. When the voicemail ended, Castiel clicked on it, listening to it again, and again, and again.
Around the sixth play, Castiel found himself stopping, just to stare at the phone with wide eyes, almost as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Like he couldn’t believe what was actually happening.
One minute, he was there in his bed, Dean’s voice ringing in his ears like bell chimes.
The next, he was in his car, with the city lights of Denver in his rearview mirror.
~*~
Five hundred miles to Lawrence, Kansas
“Hey, Cas, it’s me… um… I’m pretty drunk right now. Like, drunk as in I know I’m drunk, but not sober enough to stop my mouth from running. I… I feel shitty that I didn’t call you tonight, pissed that I let Charlie talk me into going out, ‘specially because she ended up just doing it so that she could talk to me about you…”
In the first hour of the drive, Cas almost turned back a good twenty times.
Dean’s message played in his head like a broken record, his slurred, deep voice and the words he spoke. Cas could recite it by heart, as the words had practically become ingrained in his brain, as if they were programmed directly into his neurons. It was a message that filled Cas with hope, but at the same time, it filled him with dread.
It was a good eight hours to Lawrence, a long time to be driving. Ironically, it made Cas wish that Dean were there, because he knew how much his friends liked long drives. The moment Dean had gotten his license, he’d made the vow that he would drive all over the country, just like the road trips his father took him on as a child.
Drives were Dean’s comfort and Cas knew this. Dean would always drive when he felt stressed or sad, anxious or scared, even when he felt his happiest. Dean had grown up in his dad’s car, driving all over the place. In a way, it was the only home Dean had known until they settled back in Lawrence. Sometimes when he would go for his drives, Cas would go with him, sitting beside him in the passenger seat. Dean never liked to talk on these trips, instead he would blast some Led Zeppelin (Stairway to Heaven being a particular favourite) and drum his fingers against the steering wheel. Castiel believed Dean did it to drown out the sound of his thoughts and the boiling emotions inside of him. Cas understood, in a way, and never said a word. He knew Dean was cautious to talk about his feelings and would rather deal with his emotions on his own. Cas just wanted to be there for Dean anyway he could, which most of the time meant sitting in silence.
Every time, when Dean had calmed down, he would catch Cas’ gaze out of the corner of his eye. Then, he would flick him a small smile. A smile that let Cas know that he was okay. To let him know he was grateful.
Cas thought about that as he drove, conjuring up an image of Dean’s soft smile, as if it were as easy as breathing. In a way, when they would go on those drives, Cas was worried as well. Whenever Dean was in a mood, Cas found himself worried for his friend; whether it be due to the strained relationship Dean had with his father, or the fact that his friend was a perfectionist. He was worried that Dean was beating himself up too much, letting himself fall into a pit of despair and a cycle of negative thought patterns.
But that smile always told Cas that he was okay, that everything was going to be alright. And even then, with Dean being five hundred miles away, just the thought of that smile brought Cas to ease.
With a smile of his own, Castiel kept driving.
~*~
Four hundred miles to Lawrence, Kansas
“She only invited me out cause she says I’ve been moping over you. Which I haven’t… I mean… I haven’t been that mopey. I just… miss you, y’know? I miss you living here, I miss having my friend just around the corner...”
At quarter past four, Castiel crossed the border into Kansas.
He looked as the Welcome to Kansas sign appeared in his headlights, reminding him that he was officially back in the state he grew up in. Despite living in Lawrence almost all his life, he hadn’t been born there. He was born in Pontiac, a small town in Illinois. He moved to Lawrence at four years old, just a month after Dean and his family had moved away. Sometimes, Castiel found it strange that Dean had been born in Lawrence and that the two of them might have met sooner, if the events of their lives had been different.
When Dean moved back, he lived two streets from Cas place and only a five minute walk. There were countless times that the two of them would make the trips to and from each other’s houses, for game nights and study sessions. Dean spent most of his time at Cas’ house though, due to the fact that Cas was an only child and Dean wanted to avoid his dad as much as possible. Sometimes, Dean wouldn’t even go back home over the weekends and instead, stay at Cas’ from Friday afternoon to 8pm on a Sunday night.
Their close proximity was why their Friday night tradition began and why it was able to continue weekly. There was never any effort put into it, just the three of them rocking up at Cas’ place with snacks, DVDs and the occasional board game. By the time senior year came to an end, the night was such a major part of their routine, it was hard to shake it. Which is why when Dean began college in Missouri, he still made the drive home on a Friday afternoon to be there in time for dinner, and why Charlie would call at exactly 6pm so that she could be included in the fun. Even miles apart, the tradition stayed alive, because it was something that was a core part of their friendship.
When Castiel moved away, he hadn’t even realised how much their tradition would change. Their Friday nights together were no longer held at Cas’ house and Cas was no longer there and instead over five hundred miles away in Colorado. While they still kept up the tradition, it was never truly the same. And while he knew this was a tradition they weren’t going to be able to keep forever, especially once they grew up and created their own families and got absorbed into new lives, he still couldn’t help but let the guilt eat him alive, knowing that he let down his friends.
His friends missed him, they missed the nights they used to have.
And it was all because Castiel fell in love.
~*~
Three hundred miles to Lawrence, Kansas
“God, I sound like an idiot, don’t I Cas? I mean you don’t need to hear this. You’re out there doing amazing things with your life, and I’m just sitting here pining over you like a dumbass…”
He stopped for gas just outside of Oberlin.
The gas station was owned by a chain, the same one that owned one of the gas stations in Lawrence. During his college years, Castiel worked there to earn some extra money, as well as to work on his social skills. He worked occasional shifts during the week, along with Saturdays and Sundays. Dean would always be back in Lawrence for the weekend, and would end up spending his Saturdays at the gas station with Cas.
Cas only worked days, while the manager Benny worked nights. This was partly due to the fact that Cas was young, and the more dodgy types would show up during the later hours. It was also because Benny was an Army veteran, and wasn’t the type to take shit from nobody. Nobody believed he was a veteran, due to the fact he was only about twenty-six, but after an explosion caused shrapnel to be embedded into his leg, he was officially discharged as he could no longer work with his injury.
Dean was fascinated by Benny and the war stories he told, which worried Cas. He knew that Dean was the type of guy that could join the army, especially considering his father’s history with the marines. He’d mentioned as much to Benny one day during shift changeover, to which the older man had laughed in response.
“Cher, your friend is just like most of the guys I talk to,” the Cajun man said, “he’s fascinated by the stories, thinks of me as a damn hero, but he’s definitely not thinking about going into combat. Trust me.”
Benny ended up being right, considering a few weeks later, Dean had commented as such while hanging out with Cas.
“Benny’s so brave, dude. I could never fucking do what he did.”
“You couldn’t?” Cas had replied, while restocking shelves.
“Hell no man,” Dean said with a laugh, “I admire the soldiers and all, but fuck, that’d be scary as hell. I don’t think I’d have the balls to do it.”
Cas let out a small snort before continuing onto a different shelf.
“Besides,” Dean continued, “joining the army would mean leaving my brother, Charlie, you. I mean, living like forty miles from you is hard enough. Could you imagine being in the middle east? Nah man, I’m much happier here.”
Cas looked over at Dean and the two of them exchanged a small smile, an unspoken promise between them.
The memory was something that Castiel never forgot, especially after moving away.
He paid for his gas quickly and jumped back in the car, getting back on route as quickly as possible.
As he drove away, he couldn’t help but attempt to leave the guilt-ridden memory behind him.
~*~
Two hundred miles to Lawrence, Kansas
“But I can’t help but think about how I don’t get to see you anymore… a phone-call just doesn’t cut it. I can’t help but blame myself, y’know? Maybe if I hadn’t gone away for college, maybe you wouldn’t have moved away from here when I got back. But you did, and it’s something that I fucking hate…”
It was nearing seven in the morning when Castiel realised that in a few hours, he would be seeing Dean.
During both his middle and high school years, Cas had always been excited to see Dean. For seven years, he’d never felt the slightest bit anxious upon seeing his best friend. That was until college, when his thoughts and feelings for Dean practically changed within a heartbeat.
If Cas were ever to admit his feelings for Dean to the world, he knew most people would assume that he fell in love with Dean during high school. That it started with a hormone-induced crush, which ended up blooming into enamoration. But the truth was, Cas didn’t have feelings for Dean in high school. Rather, he spent most of his high school years trying to work out his own sexuality, considering he didn’t like the girls the same way other guys did.
Truth was, he fell in love with Dean in a far more sappier and lovesick way. He fell in love with him gradually, so small and incremental that he hardly noticed. Not until he saw Dean one day, while they were hanging out, and he realised that he was well and truly in love. He still had no idea how it happened and he probably would never understand. He just knew the feeling was something he had never felt before, a burning hot fire of love that spread all over him every time he thought of Dean. And honestly, the feeling did more than scare him. It terrified him.
He tried for a long time to ignore it, push it down into the deep pit of his stomach, just so that he could spend a few carefree minutes with Dean. But after a while, it began to eat away at him, the secret practically burning a hole inside of him. Soon, Dean began to cloud his mind and his dreams, as if he were a constant buzzing in the back of his head. It began to drive him crazy, making it hard for him to even be around Dean.
The whole problem wasn’t just that he was in love with his best friend. The problem was, he was in love with his best friend but couldn’t tell him.
When Dean moved back to Lawrence, Cas’ overwhelming feelings almost became unbearable. His friend was around all the time, constantly visiting. And while Cas loved seeing his friend, he was getting to point where he was practically ready to burst. It was there, that he decided, that he had one of two options.
Tell Dean he was in love with him, or flee the city.
Castiel chose the latter.
~*~
One hundred miles from Lawrence, Kansas
“I want to be happy for you, but how can I when you are so far away? How could I say goodbye to you almost a whole-damn year ago, and I haven’t seen you since? I fucking hate it cause…”
It was morning by the time Castiel’s phone told him that he was a hundred miles from Dean’s house.
He gripped the steering wheel tightly, staring out at the open road through his tired eyes. He would stop for a coffee soon, a large one, to give him that caffeine kick he needed to drive the rest of the way. It was hard to believe that soon, he would be seeing Dean, in person, for the first time in ten months.
Castiel was nervous to say the least.
He couldn’t help but think about the fact that the last time he saw Dean was when he left for Denver. Dean had come over to help him pack the things into his car. Dean had been keeping it together all morning, joking around and trying to keep up a positive facade, But Cas saw right through him and knew that on the inside, Dean was hurting just as much as he was.
Once the car was loaded up, they stood in the driveway, neither of them quite knowing what to say. Cas had already said goodbye to his parents, who were standing off to the side and letting the two friends have their privacy.
“Do you really have to go? You know it’s not too late right?” Dean asked.
Cas had nodded softly, his hands clenched in fists as he tried to keep himself together.
“I know, but I do really have to go.”
“But why?” Dean asked, his voice torn and broken, “why do you have to go Cas?”
“Because it’s just something I have to do,” Cas replied solemnly.
It was something Cas had to do, but not something he wanted to do.
Dean stood still for a moment, before he pulled Cas into a bone-crushing hug. Cas melted right into it, clutching onto Dean as if he were a lifeline. They stood like that for a while, gathered up in each other’s arms, neither one of them wanting to be the first to let go.
After a while, Cas finally pulled himself from the embrace, his eyes watery. Dean looked much the same, his soft green eyes shining under the warm sunlight.
“We’ll still call right? Every Friday night?” Dean choked out.
“Of course Dean, I could never miss it.”
Dean nodded, opening his mouth as if he was going to say something more. However, he closed it immediately after a small shake of his head.
“I have to go,” Cas told him.
“I… yeah,” Dean mumbled out, “just… please drive safe.”
“I will.”
As he got into the driver’s seat, he couldn’t help but send Dean one last look before he put the car into reverse. He would never forget Dean’s heartbroken gaze as he drove away, towards a new life and away from the life he once knew.
As he exited the street, he waited until Dean was no longer in the rearview mirror, before he let himself cry.
Now, as he neared the city he called home, he just hoped that Dean would forgive him for everything.
~*~
“Hey, Cas, it’s me… um… I’m pretty drunk right now. Like, drunk as in I know I’m drunk, but not sober enough to stop my mouth from running. I… I feel shitty that I didn’t call you tonight, pissed that I let Charlie talk me into going out, ‘specially because she ended up just doing it so that she could talk to me about you. She only invited me out cause she says I’ve been moping over you. Which I haven’t… I mean… I haven’t been that mopey. I just… miss you, y’know? I miss you living here, I miss having my friend just around the corner. God, I sound like an idiot, don’t I Cas? I mean you don’t need to hear this. You’re out there doing amazing things with your life, and I’m just sitting here pining over you like a dumbass. But I can’t help but think about how I don’t get to see you anymore… a phone-call just doesn’t cut it. I can’t help but blame myself, y’know? Maybe if I hadn’t gone away for college, maybe you wouldn’t have moved away from here when I got back. But you did, and it’s something that I fucking hate. I want to be happy for you, but how can I when you are so far away? How could I say goodbye to you almost a whole-damn year ago, and I haven’t seen you since? I fucking hate it cause...
“Cause I fucking love you Cas. I love you so damn much it fucking hurts. So much that I’m drunk, sitting here on my kitchen floor, wishing that you weren’t all the way in Denver. I love you, you son of a bitch. And I’d never be able to tell you that sober.”
~*~
Zero miles to Lawrence, Kansas
Dean lived in a small, two-bedroom house in the heart of Lawrence. It was a quaint little place, with a well-kept garden and a bright blue door. Dean had moved into his house a few weeks after Cas had moved to Denver, so he hadn’t been able to see the place at all. Dean had sent him the address as soon as he moved in, so if Cas ever returned home, he’d know where to find him.
He sat outside for a good twenty minutes, all jittery in his seat from the large coffee and the bucket loads of adrenaline coursing through his veins. Despite how energised he felt, it was hard for him to gain the courage to walk up to the door. For one thing, he had no idea what he was even going to say. What could he even say to the guy he is in love with, the same guy who just admitted his feelings back through a drunken spiel? Secondly, he worried that Dean would resent him for his past decisions, the fact that he moved away like a coward instead of truly admitting how he was feeling.
And part of him worried that Dean’s voicemail wasn’t truthful, that he drove all the way here, just for Dean to tell him that they were better off as friends, or to cut him out of his life. He knew that was the most unlikely of options, yet he couldn’t help but feel like there was still a chance it could happen.
He approached Dean’s door slowly and quietly, not wanting Dean to see him until he made it to the door. There was a little front path up to the porch and it was in perfect view of both front windows. Luckily, he made it safe and sound, with no sign of Dean in the house. However, considering Dean was most likely still sleeping off a hangover, Cas wasn’t all surprised.
He took a few deep breaths once he made it to the door, calming himself down before he gave three swift knocks. Once he knocked, he brought his hand to his chest, holding both his hands there tight to his body, as a way to calm him from the abundance of nerves he felt.
He heard Dean’s voice almost immediately, loud and croaky and husky from sleep.
“Charlie!” he called out grumpily, “I told you not to come over until noon.”
He listened as Dean stomped over to the door and barely had a chance to catch his breath before it was swung open harshly. In the split seconds before Dean realised he was there, he took in the man’s disheveled form. From his bed hair to his bare feet, along with the run-down pajamas. He watched as Dean glared at whoever had disturbed his sleep, before his face went completely white and blank.
“Hello Dean,” Cas said, staring at the man who had practically gone into shock.
It took Dean a moment to process, like Castiel when he heard Dean’s voice message. The man’s mouth opened and closed several times, strangled sounds barely escaping his lips. His eyes were wide and trained on Cas, a constant look of disbelief there.
After a while, Dean was able to regain the ability to speak.
“Cas?” he gasped out, “what are you doing here?”
“I got your message,” Cas said, “I.. I don’t know if you remember what you said. But after hearing that message, I just had to come and see you.”
Dean’s cheeks tinted slightly pink, “I remember… wait. You drove here? All through the night?”
Cas nodded and Dean shook his head in awe.
“I came here to talk to you, because I knew we couldn’t do this over the phone,” Cas said, “I just… I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
Dean looked over at Cas bewildered and gulped, “S-Sorry? About what?”
“I’m sorry that I moved away,” Cas said, watching as Dean’s shoulders sagged in relief, “I moved away for selfish reasons, ones that seem quite redundant now.”
Dean’s eyebrows furrowed. “What reasons?”
Cas took a deep breath, “I was scared. I was scared of losing you and I was scared that I was going to ruin everything. I was scared that you wouldn’t want me in your life anymore.”
“Why the hell would you think that?” Dean asked incredulously, as if Cas had just told him that the Earth was flat.
“Because I realised that I was in love with you… that I am in love with you,” Cas said softly, watching the way Dean’s face transformed into a soft, confused expression, “I realised that I loved you more than a friend should, and I was so sure that you couldn’t have felt the same way.”
“Cas…” Dean started to say, but Cas ignored him.
“I couldn’t handle my feelings so I ran away and moved to Denver. I… I thought that was best for all of us, but I see now that I’m wrong. I should’ve told you and Charlie first and I should’ve told you the truth. I apologise for being a coward and I really hope you can forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused us.”
Cas watched as Dean processed his words for a few seconds, his eyes shining with so many emotions that Cas was unable to place. His lower lip trembled slightly and his eyes began to water, before he walked forward with determination and pulled Cas into a hug.
Cas breathed in Dean’s scent, latching onto him so tightly, he was worried that his friend might break. But considering this was the first time they had hugged in so many months, Cas didn’t care at all. He let the relief wash over him in a wave, knowing that at least for that moment, he could enjoy the peace and serenity that Dean’s touch brought him. The comfort of knowing that he was finally home, safe and sound.
When they finally pulled apart, Dean took that opportunity to bring his hand up to Castiel’s face, cupping his jaw.
“There is no reason to be sorry, Cas,” Dean said. “I understand why you had to do what you had to do. There is no shame in trying to put your needs first. In fact, we should be blaming me for this whole mess. I’ve been in love with you since high school, man, I should’ve told you the truth sooner.”
Now it was Cas’ turn to be shocked, “you have?!”
Dean nodded, “I have, which means, if we’re needing someone to blame, it’s definitely me.”
Cas smiled, “How about we blame no one?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Dean said with a grin, “now are you going to keep standing on the doorstep, or are you going to come in so we can talk this whole thing out?”
Cas couldn’t help but laugh, realising how absurd it was that they had having this conversation on Dean’s doorstep. So, with no hesitation whatsoever, he let Dean lead him inside.
~*~
Their first kiss occurred on Dean’s bed, after they spent an hour lying there, discussing everything that had happened between them in the past few years.
Once everything was out in the open and tensions were eased, Cas couldn’t help but take the opportunity to kiss Dean for the first time, something that he had only ever dreamt about.
Dean’s lips were soft, despite being a little chapped. The beginning of the kiss was slow and unsure, the two of them both trying to navigate these new, unchartered waters, both attempting to get an understanding of each other. However, after a while, it grew more intense, with Cas lying back on the bed and Dean hovering over him, the kisses becoming hot and heavy and practically euphoric.
After a few minutes of making out, the both of them stopping before it got too steamy, the two of them laid back on Dean’s bed, relaxing into his memory foam mattress.
“So,” Dean began, “what happens next? With us… and our relationship.”
“Well, I’ll put in my two-week resignation on Monday and once I’ve completed those weeks, I’ll move back here.”
Dean turned to look at him, eyebrows raised, “Really? You’ll move back here?”
“Of course,” Cas said, “I’ve wanted to move back here the entire time I’ve been in Denver. I want to be here with you and Charlie, I want to be close to my parents, I want to be here in the place I call home.”
Dean leaned over, brushing a stray hair from Cas’ forehead. “Where will you live?”
“Well, I can move back in with my parents, or… if you’re willing to have me... I could move in here? Not saying that I would mooch off of you or anything… I mean… I’d obviously contribute to the bills and it’s only if you actually want me here in your space, but it’s fine if you don-- oomph.”
He was cut off by Dean’s lips pressing softly against his.
“Cas,” Dean said with a laugh, “calm down, of course I want you here and of course I want you to live with me. I can’t think of anything better.”
Cas smiled, “Really?”
“Really,” Dean replied, “honestly, I’ve been dreaming of this exact scenario since high school. I just can’t believe it’s really happening.”
“Me too.”
“We’re really just a bunch of dumbasses, aren’t we?” Dean commented with a grin, while Cas rolled his eyes.
“I wouldn’t put it that way, but sure if that’s where you want to go.”
Dean leaned on his elbows, “Well, we are, cause now we’re going to have to make up for lost time. We could’ve had years if either of us had the guts to say anything. So for today, let’s just spend it alone, and we can do a proper celebration once you’re officially back. It’s going to take a while for us to make up for the years we lost.”
“It will,” Cas said, “And I can’t think of anything better than spending the day with just you.”
Dean’s smile softened and he angled forward so his lips just inches from Cas’, so close that he could feel Dean’s warm breath. However, just as their lips were about to touch, they were startled by the sound of Dean’s front door slamming open.
“Castiel James Novak! You’re back and you didn’t tell me?” Charlie’s voice rang through the house.
Cas looked over at Dean with mirth in his eyes, while his partner just sighed.
“Well, I guess we won’t be totally alone today.”
Cas just chuckled, sitting up in bed as he prepared for the full hurricane that was his other friend. He knew that both himself and Dean were going to be interrogated, and that Charlie was going to make them talk for hours, rehashing every event that occurred over the past few years. He knew she was probably not going to give either of them a chance to even breathe that day.
But as he looked over at Dean, the both of them together again and the story of their relationship completely rewritten… he found he didn’t care at all.