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Nesta and Cassian arrived back to the House of Wind after a tense meeting with the Inner Circle and the High Lords at the River House. Nesta was the unexpected but not surprising focus of everyone in attendance. Rhys arranged the High Lord Summit to communicate to other High Lords the urgency of their alliance with the impending threat from Koschei and the Human Queens.
However, the High Lords were more interested in discussing Nesta.
On that day near the top of Ramiel, when she thought Cassian was dead, Nesta erupted and her power was felt across all of Prythian, perhaps maybe even across continents. So in hindsight, it was not surprising how easily the High Lords agreed to come to the Night Court on such short notice. They are curious of the old power – yet new – that rippled through their courts last Spring, and are eager for answers from the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court.
Rhys gave an abbreviated explanation on what happened. He gave details as close to the truth as he can: the Human Queen got Illyrians to drop Nesta at Ramiel during Blood Rite. Cassian came to save her. He obfuscated and attributed the power than ran through all of Pyrthian last Spring to the human queen Briallyn and Death God Koschei. Oversimplification of events, yes, but Rhys hopefully spun a convincing tale for the other High Lords.
Cassian didn’t like how Nesta’s bravery and triumph at the Breaking of Enalius was erased in Rhys’ version of events for the High Lords, but it was a necessary lie in order not reveal to them the full extent of his mate’s power. Not to mention his mate was also forming a new Night Court army, the Valkyries. Rhys and Amren are concerned revealing so might jeopardize their already shaky allegiance with the High Lords, while Cassian was mainly concerned how exposing Nesta puts her in danger.
If Rhys managed to convince them with his thinly constructed account of that Spring day on Ramiel, it was hard to tell. Their strongest allies didn’t question it, not because they entirely believed him, but they decided to place their trust on Rhys for now. The other not so cooperative High Lords, like Beron, also surprisingly decided to not poke holes in Rhys version of the story. Likely because he also didn’t want to be exposed and be grilled by Rhys on being in cahoots with the youngest Human Queen. Both had pretenses to keep up. For now.
The High Lord of Spring Court, Tamlin, did however, questioning how Cassian was able to defeat Briallyn and drive Koschei away all by himself. Last time Tamlin saw Nesta in his Court, he knew the oldest Archeron was no damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by an Illyrian bastard.
Is Nesta the Night Court’s latest not-so secret weapon? Will Rhys use her to get them to do all his bidding? Is this meeting only a front for seeking alliance but instead to showcase Night Court’s power?
Furthermore, the existence of Death Troves was also something Rhys couldn’t hide from the other High Lords when his son and heir Nyx was also brought into this world shortly after. He had to tell the truth to the High Lords who knew about the difficulty of Feyre’s pregnancy, and was forced by them to inform all the High Lords as well if they were to continue with their alliance.
Offended by the notion that she was somebody’s weapon to use, Nesta spoke for herself. In the process, it did not escape everyone present that Nesta had not recognized Rhys as her High Lord. While she did not outright say so, she also did not acknowledge he is.
For Nesta, the declaration of her autonomy was also an attempt to assure the High Lords Rhysand will not use her against them. However, it unwittingly exposed a fracture in the Night Court, and a failure in the leadership of Rhysand and Feyre. If Amren still had powers, she likely killed Nesta for opening her mouth at all. Instead, Amren immediately left the second the meeting adjourned.
As Feyre said to her almost a year ago: how can they convince others to follow their command, if they cannot control Nesta?
While the days of her spending their gold in taverns are behind Nesta, the question Feyre posed back then still hung unanswered during the High Lord Summit.
Rhys did not say anything to Cassian or Nesta after, but Cassian shared a brief look with Rhys, and even without speaking mind to mind, Cassian knew Rhys was well aware that Nesta still refused to acknowledge him as her High Lord. Cassian thought the two finally resolved everything when Nyx was born, but apparently not.
Now back at the House of Wind, Nesta and Cassian was served dinner by the House and they ate in relative silence. Cassian gave not so subtle looks at his mate as she concentrated on her food, wondering if he should even bring it up. They already had a long day, and they need to be back in Illyria tomorrow morning.
“What?” Nesta says teasingly, in order to prompt her mate to say what was weighing heavily on his mind. She could tug on their bond and read his mind, but it was a rule between them to actually talk things out in the open.
“That was some meeting today,” Cassian began to segue to a conversation he knew treading on fragile grounds. When it comes to Nesta and Rhys, he constantly found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Truth be told, he knew it bothers Nesta too. He realized he can be over the top about it, his loyalty to Rhys not as just as his High Lord but also as his brother. But for Cassian, he could not see how that would be in conflict with him as her mate.
“Yeah, though I’m still not sure how it became all about me in the end,” Nesta quipped.
“They know a queen when they see one,” Cassian teased. Nesta just gave him a dismissive laugh.
Cassian smiled back at her, then became solemn. He needed to just come out with it, no use in being wishy washy, and the sooner he got this conversation over with, the sooner he could do everything he wanted to do with his mate since they left their bed this morning.
Nesta’s room was now their room, but expanded it to what used to be Elain’s connecting bedroom. Azriel still lived with them afterall, they did not want the poor male to not get any sleep because of their nightly activities if they had stayed in Cassian’s old room.
“You are a queen, didn’t I say you can rule the world if you wanted?”
“And I said I don’t want to, I just want you.” Nesta still had no idea where this conversation was going with Cassian, but Cassian knew where she wanted to take it, straight to their bedroom. He almost gave in, he could smell her arousal as she rubbed her foot on his leg, which was causing him to not think straight.
Focus, Cassian told himself.
“I did – well, everyone – notice that you don’t refer to Rhys as your High Lord when you are part of the Night Court.”
“But I am not, not really. Lucien is now the emissary to the Human Realm, isn’t he? He has been performing that role far longer than I actually had.” She however did notice Lucien was missing from the meeting, even though Vassa was there. But she assumed he didn’t want to see Beron, just as Mor was conveniently not present either. The only title now she held, if any, that she allowed was sister of the High Lady and the mate of the Night Court's Commander, the Lord of Bloodshed.
“He is,” Cassian acquiesced. “I just thought things have turned around between you and Rhys.”
“They have.” Nesta insisted.
“Then why –” Cassian gathered his thoughts, since he knew he was in the danger of using the wrong words and him sleeping outside their bedroom tonight. He could already see the wariness in her eyes as she waited on what he was about to say next. “We do consider you as part of the Night Court, you know, my happy little circle as you called it.”
Cassian added that last part to ease the tension, but it didn’t have the desired effect.
“Feyre is my sister, I'm your mate. Isn’t that enough? Feyre does not make me call her my High Lady, not even as a joke. Did Rhysand say something to you, did he want me to kneel in front of him for all the High Lords to see?”
“No, Rhys didn’t say anything to me! He doesn’t need you to do that!” Cassian said so quickly that he was scared it came off too defensive. He took a deep breath before going on, “The other High Lords took notice when you said ‘The High Lord of the Night Court don’t control me”, and—”
“they thought I was undermining Rhys instead of assuring them that he won’t be using me against his allies,” Nesta said in realization as she finished his sentence for him.
Cassian nodded. But both knew though it was not the end of their conversation.
“Is it important to you that I’d be a part of the inner circle? Call Rhysand my High Lord?”
“What’s important to me is no one is making you do anything you don’t want to do, including me.” Cassian learned that lesson the hard way, he almost lost his mate over his stupidity.
“I know that, but that’s not what I asked.”
“Yes.” Cassian admitted. It will definitely make things easier. Not just for him, but for everyone involved. It might be foolish to want everyone he loves to just get along, but would that be so bad?
He has strongly defended Rhys to her whenever Nesta said some absurd bullshit about his brother. Likewise, he has defended Nesta against any of Rhys’ prejudices against her, and look out for her well being when Rhys and Amren are demanding Nesta do things that might be in the Night Court’s interest but at her expense.
Still, he always managed to resolve the tension and get out of those situations without having to choose whose side he will take, if it ever came down to it.
“Well that’s the difference between me and your High Lord and Amren I guess, I’ll never put you in a situation where you have to choose, exactly why I don’t want to be part of the Night Court.”
Fuck, Cassian cursed himself. His last train of thought entered their bond and now Nesta putting up her walls. As if she already knew before he did, or rather assumed his answer to a question he had never even contemplated.
Damn him.
Nesta looked down at her food, but had not taken a single bite since their conversation started.
“Sweetheart, that’s not –“ Cassian placed his hand on her cheek, willing her to look at him. When she did, he could already see how the tears she refuse to let fall was already shining her eyes. His heart bled open.
“You could rule the world, because you deserve the world; chose anyone else to be with, because you deserve better than a bastard like me,” Nesta was about to protest but he continued on. “But you chose me, and I would always thank the Mother for that.”
Cassian made sure he was looking into her eyes before he continued: “Every morning, I wake up with you in my arms and I still cannot believe you are mine and I am yours. You are my first priority and the only choice for me, Nesta.”
Nesta pulled him to her and kissed him. He let her lead but matched her every emotion into their kiss, and knew it will be up to her to let go, because he won't be able to. But when she finally did, Cassian instinctively kept her in his arms and would not let her go.
Cassian saw in her eyes that even though Nesta desperately wanted to believe him, a small part of her still refused to. Cassian cursed himself for royally fucking up by bringing up this matter, but also couldn’t help but feel hurt too. Hadn’t he shown he will die with her and for her, on many occasions now? That without her, what's the point of him?
“I never wanted my powers, Cassian. I gave them back to the cauldron because they stripped me off every bit of my control over my life. Instead of punishing the cauldron when I stole from it, it punished me.”
She didn’t have to say that despite giving back her powers willingly to the cauldron, the Mother still made her keep some of it, and that some was still powerful enough to yield all three of the Death Troves, the Great Sword she Made answer to her and her alone, and on top of that, she created her own army, the Valkyries.
Whether Nesta pledges herself to the Night Court or not, Rhysand’s enemies would either want her on their side instead or plot kill her. He knew that already, both of them do, which was why they were even having this hard conversation now.
“I don’t recognize Rhys as my High Lord. I don’t want to be formally part of the Inner Circle.” Nesta said with so much conviction that Cassian knew the mountain Ramiel will cave in first before she did on this matter.
“But only because I refuse to have anyone or anything have any power or control over me ever again. Never again. I get how the optics of it looks terrible for the Night Court, not declaring my fealty to the High Lord and High Lady in front of other courts, to the enemies of Night Court. But I also gave up my powers to save my sister, your brother and their baby. And I would do it again, even if the next time I do so kills me. The Inner Circle – you have to trust that I will and for that to be enough.”
“Okay.” Cassian gathered Nesta closer into his arms and pulled her on to his lap. Their food cold and long forgotten.
“They are your family, I respect that. I am happy that you and Feyre found a family that you love so dearly and loves you as much. I am forever grateful to Rhysand for finding you and taking you in when you were kids. Your family is why you are now here with me. But they aren’t mine. And that’s fine. They belong to you, and I have found a family that belongs to me, my sisters, the Valkyries, and you.”
Cassian then recalled the night before the Blood Rite, where Nesta didn’t want to acknowledge their mating bond yet. Each one of your friends told you to stay away from me. To another night that seems so long ago when they were arguing about Rhys again. This is the part where you tell me everybody hates me and I leave. After the first solstice at the River House. Your sisters love you and I don’t understand why they do.
No matter how many times Cassian had taken back those hateful words that made her feel undeserving of love, both in words and in actions, and no matter how many times the Inner Circle welcomed her to the Night Court, he realized it will take more time for Nesta to see herself fully accepted by his family, and want to be a part of it herself. Not because they begrudgingly have to because she is his mate, or have to tolerate her because she is Feyre’s sister. But because she sees that they love her too.
He will patiently wait for that time to come when she is ready to accept them. And to feel fully accepted by them. Aside from Azriel, he knows Nesta still has unresolved issues with each member of the Inner Circle. But until that time comes, he would remain firmly in her corner. Her champion against who sought her harm, both within and outside of the Night Court. Her family. Her mate. And no one, not even Death’s cold fingers, can pry him away from her side. He can wait...they were now having time he promised her after all.