Chapter Text
AvengeChat
Spidey: this is your friendly reminder to clean up after your messes jfc i’m so tired of fighting your leftover bad guys
Cap: I'm sorry?
Spidey: as you should be
Cap: Who?
Spidey: don't hurt me this way
Falcon: ?????
Black Widow: Did Stark add you?
Cap: I am so confused. Do we have another team member?
Spidey: you wish i was on your team
Spidey: are your names seriously your made up names?
Spidey: you're so lame and old
Hawkeye: why are we being attacked
Hawkeye: by an insect
Spidey: spiders are arachnids and arachnids aren't insects you uncultured swine
Black Widow: yeah Clint
Hawkeye: I have never felt more betrayed
Spidey: top ten anime betrayals
Falcon: @Ironman come get your kid
Iron Man: I don’t have a kid
Hawkeye: but dad
Iron Man: this is disgusting
Spidey: you’re not my real dad
Iron Man: I am no one’s father
Iron Man: wait
Spidey: Yes, hello this is 1980 calling it wants it’s insecurities back
Cap: What
Spidey: you must live in a constant state of confusion
Iron Man: HOW ARE YOU IN HERE
Black Widow: You really are slow at this.
Hawkeye: don’t yell it’s rude
Spidey: ~magic~
Iron Man: WHY CAN’T I KICK YOU OUT
Spidey: ~magic~
Nickname changed to Captain Sizzle
Captain Sizzle: What.
Nickname changed to FlyBoy
FlyBoy: Stark control your kid
Iron Man: I’m trying
Nickname changed to Nat 🙂
Nat 🙂 : That emoji gives off the energy I long to cultivate
Hawkeye: you cultivate it just fine
Nickname changed to BirdBoy
BirdBoy: hey!
Nickname changed to Old Spice
Old Spice: EXCUSE YOU
Spidey: adios muchachos
Old Spice: Get back here!!
Old Spice: Why can’t I change these nicknames back?
Old Spice: How am I locked out of my own chat?!
Nat 🙂 : we’re just going to ignore that Clint said cultivate
BirdBoy: correctly
BirdBoy: might I add
Bruce: Why is the chat going off at six in the morning?
Bruce: Don’t you all like to sleep in?
BirdBoy: don’t you ever assume Tony sleeps again
Nat 🙂 : Good morning, Bruce.
Bruce: Morning, Natasha
BirdBoy: disgusting
Old Spice: Bruce help
Bruce: With?
FlyBoy: we got hacked
Bruce: How is that even possible?
Nat 🙂 : The spider kid is pretty impressive
Bruce: The one in the unitard?
Spidey: it’s not a unitard
Spidey: Dr. Banner i never thought you’d be the one to offend me
Bruce: I am forever sorry
Bruce: Onesie*
Spidey: you’re nicer as Hulk
BirdBoy: ooo burn
Bruce: You’re about the same either way.
Thor: To what do I owe the pleasure of waking up to messages from you all?
Thor: Is it my brother again? Has he once more tried to claim Midgard as his own?
Spidey: Thor!
Spidey: I love you.
Thor: Are you the man of spiders?
Spidey: omgThorknowswhoIam
Spidey: yes
Thor: I have a question for you.
Spidey: anything
Thor: Do you feel the spiders?
Spidey: wh… what
Nat 🙂 : ????
BirdBoy: Thor
Bruce: You are going to be so disappointed Thor.
Old Spice: How was I hacked
Captain Sizzle: it happened
Captain Sizzle: move on
Spidey: i don’t
Spidey: feel
Spidey: spiders
Spidey: unless they’re crawling on me which is a big no thank you
Spidey: actually a spider crawled on me once and bit me and now i’m here so you know idk if i should hate spiders or appreciate them but they’re fucking terrifying
FlyBoy: language
Captain Sizzle: It was one time
Nat 🙂 : once is enough
Thor: So you are not a man made of spiders?
Spidey: thank you for adding to my nightmares
Thor: So are you merely half spider?
Spidey: i mean it messed with my dna so i’m like, probably, 20% spider
Spidey: but i’m not the bio guy we’d have to ask my pal
Old Spice: You type so fast.
Spidey: you’re Old
Old Spice: Cap’s old
Spidey: don’t try to distract us
Captain Sizzle: technically
Bruce: Steve’s body is actually only, at best, early thirties.
Old Spice: You’re supposed to be on my side.
Spidey: Dr. Banner is on no one’s side
Spidey: i miss Hulk
Bruce: I’m sure he doesn’t miss you.
Spidey: excuse you
Spidey: we shared cookies once
Thor: You are a valiant warrior, man of spiders. I cannot wait until I can legally challenge you for a battle in an arena of our peers
Spidey: idk whether to be excited or threatened
BirdBoy: probably both
Spidey: i am both excited and threatened
Spidey: anyway
Spidey: as i was saying
Spidey: clean up your messes after you fight
Spidey: literally almost six people fell into a Captain America sized hole on their way to work today and more than a dozen business owners are now without a business to own
Spidey: i am but a poor spider and cannot afford to fix another window
Nat 🙂 : why do I feel like we’re getting scolded by a very annoyed puppy
Spidey: you are getting scolded by a very annoyed Spider-Man
Spidey: seriously
Spidey: i get that you’re the Avengers and everything but the Avengers need a stern talking to from my aunt to clean up their room before dessert
Spidey: it’s getting a bit ridiculous
Spidey: that is all i had to say ta for now children
Old Spice: You can’t call me old and then a child moments later
Spidey: or what
Old Spice: Or I’ll
Captain Sizzle: you’ll?
Nat 🙂 : ????
FlyBoy: lmao is Stark silenced?
BirdBoy: I think Spiderkid is my favorite
Bruce: I’m going back to bed.
Thor: Goodnight, Bruce!
Bruce: night Thor
Polka Dotted Underpants
Peter: i hacked the chat
Harley: i am in awe of you
Ned: I hacked the chat
Peter: Ned hacked the chat
Harley: I am in awe of Ned
Ned: as you should be
Harry: as it must be
Peter: HARRY
Harry: PETER
Harley: lmao you hacked the chat at 6am
Ned: Peter do you have the chem notes?
Peter: ofc I do
Peter: i am not some plebeian that doesn’t take notes
Harry: yes you are
Peter: don’t hurt me this way
Harley: are y’all at school already?
Peter: i dropped May off at the hospital and went straight to school
Peter: she has a early morning shift today
Ned: i’m in my kitchen eating a bowl of cereal
Harry: omg me too
Ned: omg
Harry: only in my bedroom
Peter: i want cereal
Ned: i gottchu Pete
Peter: Ned is a true friend
Harry: wtf am i
Harley: not a true friend
Harry: 😔
Peter: Harry you're a true friend
Harry: i'm on my way from Cambridge with cereal for you
Harley: but not for me?
Peter: we literally share a room
Harry: you don’t deserve the cereal
Harley: but
Peter: i didn’t say it
Ned: wait Peter it’s tuesday
Peter: yes it is
Ned: we don’t have an early class on tuesday
Peter: we do not
Ned: why not just go back to your apartment and nap
Harry: Peter? Admit his body needs sleep?
Harley: Peter? Rest?
Peter: i’m super behind on the poly sci paper
MJ: you’re going to school for chem why are you taking poly sci
Harry: morning MJ
MJ: morning Harry
Harley: MJ!
MJ: bitch
MJ: why are you losers up so early
Peter: i had to walk May to work
Ned: i hacked the Avengers’ chat
Peter: ^^^
MJ: so you all decided to zyoom over to the chat to wake me up
Harley: turn off notifications?
Harley: i had an early shift at the garage
Harry: i always forget you actually have a job
Harley: we can’t all be trust fund kids
Harry: you’re missing out, let me tell you
Peter: no we’re not
MJ: stop lying
Harry: you’re not
Ned: why are you up so early, MJ
MJ: because my phone wouldn’t stop going off
MJ: assholes
Harry: liar
MJ: shut it
Peter: MJ has a routine
MJ: i will cut your web as you swing
Harry: murderous
MJ: i will drive to Cambridge just to throw you in Boston Harbor
Harry: promise?
Peter: i have the internship tonight
Harry: ????
Harley: lmao bro which one
Peter: SI
Ned: lmao how does your boss not know who you are yet
Harry: how does dad not know who you are yet
MJ: Gwen
Harry: point
Peter: rude
Peter: i mean you’re both right but rude
Harley: i don’t have si tonight
Peter: we don’t have the same internship days
Harley: lame
Peter: i’m a glorified personal assistant at si
Peter: i make all my webs and stuff at oscorp
Harry: i don’t have to update your pass yet, right?
Peter: no it’s good
Peter: but Tony Stark barely knows who i am aside from the one guy that gets his coffee right
Harley: i’m the one with the good music taste
Harry: you mean shit music taste
Harley: classic rock is classic for a reason
Harry: you listen to country
Ned: MJ how’s your internship going, btw
MJ: fine
MJ: Jamison is a bitch and i dislike him but he does know how to spin a story
Peter: of lies
Peter: damn it i have to turn in pictures to him tonight if i want to get paid
Harry: i’ve told you a thousand times that dad would make your internship paid
Peter: i don’t want to be treated any differently just because i know the boss
Ned: i would gladly be treated differently for knowing the boss
Ned: Harry can your dad treat me differently?
Peter: you do not want Norman Osborn’s attention
Harry: he’s not that bad
MJ: isn’t he on anti-psychotics
Harry: isn’t everyone
Harley: no???
Ned: Peter don’t overwork yourself
Harry: i can easily cover rent for a month
Harley: for both of us?
Harry: i mean
Peter: i’m not overworking myself
Peter: Thor asked me if i’m made of spiders today
Harry: you mean to tell me that you’re not
MJ: i had this very specific image of you in my mind, Parker
MJ: and it had everything to do with a slew of spiders in a trench coat pretending to be a human
Harley: Peter saw a spider in our shower and almost jumped out the window naked
Ned: omg
Peter: it was going to touch me
Ned: we can’t have that
Peter: listen
Peter: i had a terrible experience with a spider once let’s not force me to relive it
Harry: yes because every spider in NYC is secretly an experiment escaped from Oscorp
Peter: it could be
Peter: why was even one
MJ: he’s got a point
Harley: womp womp
Ned: Pete i’m on my way with cereal
Peter: a god send
Coffee Intern
Tony: bring coffee
Intern #2: always do
AvengeChat
Spidey: you know
Old Spice: HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE
Wanda: who?
Wanda: oh
Wanda: lmao nvm
Spidey: your chat name is the only cool thing about this group chat
Old Spice: @Vision, can you kick him out
Vision: I am afraid that would be unwise
Spidey: don’t be the wrong side of a labradoodle
Pietro: ha
Pietro: this is the most action this chat has gotten in months
Spidey: much like Old Spice
Captain Sizzle: Hello again Spider-Man
Spidey: hey Captain Sizzle
Spidey: where’s your better half
Old Spice: he doesn’t have a better half
Captain Sizzle: On a mission in Paraguay, why?
Old Spice: wait
Spidey: lmao that’s why
Old Spice: Barnes?!
Captain Sizzle: I didn’t think this was news?
Thor: I have a feeling my brother would be very fond of you, man of spiders.
Spidey: i’m going to take that as a compliment and move on
Nat 🙂 : we’re supposed to be paying attention to this meeting
BirdBoy: this is more fun anyway
Nickname changed to Hawkguy
Hawkguy: aw man why
Spidey: you’ve been upgraded :)
Old Spice: why can’t I kick you out
Wanda: why would you want to
Pietro: this is the most fun this chat has ever been
Captain Sizzle: This was meant to be used for missions
Old Spice: what he said
Spidey: why would you use a chat for missions
Spidey: tell all the bad guys to take ten because you have to come up with your plan in your super secret group chat
Old Spice: I don’t take criticisms from three year olds
Spidey: some of the best criticism i’ve ever gotten was from three year olds
Spidey: they always tell me when i look weird
Coffee Intern
Tony: I need your help kicking someone from a group chat.
Intern #2: press the kick button
Tony: Like I haven’t tried that.
Tony: My office, twenty minutes.
Intern #2: i have work to do mr. stark
Tony: I’m your boss.
Intern #2: Ms Potts is my boss
Tony: I can fire you.
Intern #2: this is an internship
Tony: Intern.
Intern #2: learn my name and maybe i will
Tony: I know your name
Tony: Coffee Intern
Tony: I’m begging you.
Intern #2: in that case
Intern #2: i’m on my way up