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It was still unbelievable. It had been four months and Andy still couldn't believe Quynh was back with her. Most of the time when she had to remind herself this was real, that she wasn't only dreaming, she would have to find Quynh and tell her again how much she loved her. This time, as she mulled over the miracle of Quynh's return in her mind, she only needed to whisper it in her ear.
"I love you." Andy murmured, stroking Quynh's hair.
Quynh was already half-asleep but she still smiled and managed to mumble it back.
Quynh was still getting used to the twenty-first century. She loved the modern conveniences and how simple many things had become, her favorites being a toss-up between showers and how easy it can be to make food, but everything was so new and different it was still a lot to process, still a lot she needed to catch up on. She would excuse herself from the group frequently, still feeling the need to rest a lot. This meant ample time for cuddles and Andy was not complaining.
Andy continued to stroke her hair as the two of them drifted off. She was surprised when her hand ran across a smooth patch on the back of her head. She ran her hand over it again, wondering what it could be. It was covered by the rest of her long hair. She tried to look but couldn't with how Quynh was laying on top of her. She shrugged it off, since it hadn't been bothering Quynh enough to mention it and quickly joined her love in slumber.
Quynh woke up early that morning to make coffee and brought it back to Andy. She sat quietly, waiting for Andy to open her eyes, letting the smell slowly wake her up. Of course if you asked Andy she would argue that with all the sugar and cream Quynh added it couldn't even be called coffee.
Andy looked up at her and smiled a half smile letting her eyes drift closed for a few more moments before she stretched and sat up. She took her cup, taking in a long slow breath to smell the wonderful aroma and then let it out in a contented sigh. "Did you sleep well?" It had become something of a habit to ask Quynh how she'd slept. Andy tried everyday to ease the pain in Quynh's heart, but she couldn't chase away all of her nightmares. It was her way of gauging what pace to set for the day.
Quynh took a sip of her coffee. "It was alright. I slept most of the night and this time it actually feels like I did." She gave Andy a soft smile.
Andy smiled back. "I'm glad to hear it." She then set her cup down. "Can I fix your hair for you?" She never tired of brushing and fixing Quynh's hair, but she was also thinking about the spot she'd found last night.
Quynh didn't need to be asked twice, nodding happily and moving to the edge of the bed so it would be easier to sit without putting her drink down.
Andy grabbed a brush and an elastic and started gently working the knots out.
"Will you tell me a story?" Quynh asked sweetly. She loved hearing about all the things Andy had done while she was gone and Andy had a way of making her feel almost as if she was there too.
"Anything in particular?"
"Something nice."
Andy racked her brain for something light and smiled when she thought of just the right story to tell.
"I was the first person to introduce Joe and Nicky to skydiving. It's an amazing rush and I've been hooked since the first time I did it, I'll have to take you one of these days. I did it often enough that I got some training and became certified to jump with someone strapped to me. Naturally, I picked Joe to go with me and Nicky was strapped to another dive instructor. They weren't really scared, I mean, with everything we've been through we've all jumped from things under worse circumstances but the first time is always intimidating. I told him I would jump on three and the noise that came out of his mouth when I jumped on one is going to be something I cherish forever. Thought he might kill me when we landed because I pretended the chute was broken and only pulled it at the last second. Told him to come up with a cover story while we plummeted for why we weren't dead and everything. I don't think he fully believed me but he was still mad." Andy was laughing too hard at the memory to keep fixing Quynh's hair and had to take several deep breaths before she could continue.
Quynh was laughing too, how could she not when Andy's was so contagious?
That was another thing that surprised Andy. Her laugh came so much easier now that Quynh was back. Sure, she had laughed and joked with the guys plenty of times but she felt so free now, so unburdened and her laughter showed it.
Andy began fixing her hair once more and rediscovered the spot, parting her hair to get a good look at it. She frowned, confused when she saw that it was actually two spots, both about the size of a dime, though not perfectly round. "Does this hurt?" Andy asked, gently running her fingers over the spots.
Quynh seemed surprised. "No, I don't feel anything. Why?" She reached her own hand back to feel where Andy had touched.
"There's just some hair missing but it's small and if it doesn't hurt I'm sure it's nothing."
Quynh shrugged. "Yeah, it's probably nothing."
Andy finished braiding her hair, giving it a playful tug to signal she was done.
******
A few days had passed and Andy was still thinking about the spots on Quynh's head. She didn't know how concerned she should be since Quynh didn't seem concerned herself and she didn't want to overreact to nothing, so she didn't bring it up again.
It was a quiet day around the house. Joe and Nicky had gone for a hike, Nile and Booker were checking out the farmers' market and she and Quynh were relaxing at the safehouse.
Quynh had the TV on, watching some murder mystery show. Andy had missed the whole beginning despite Quynh's attempts to wait for her, so instead she was working on fixing the wobbly side table.
At a particularly intense scene she looked over to see Quynh's reaction and noticed she was messing with her hair right where she had seen the bald spot. "Does it itch?"
"Hmm?" Quynh put her hand in her lap and looked at Andy, confusion written on her face. "Does what itch?"
"It looked like you were scratching the spot I found the other night." Andy gestured to her own hair as a reminder.
"Oh no, it doesn't itch."
Quynh got sucked back into her show and didn't say anything else about it, so Andy went back to fixing the table.
******
The next time Andy noticed Quynh messing with her hair was when she took her to a very busy mall. Sometimes she still struggled with the hustle and bustle of twenty-first century life. Andy had made sure she actually wanted to come and wasn't just doing it for her sake and Quynh had insisted she would be alright.
Quynh was not alright, though, it was too loud, there were too many smells and too many people. She should have taken up Andy's other offer to go for a bike ride instead.
Andy was holding her hand, taking great care not to get separated and add more unnecessary stress on top of what her love was already experiencing. She knew Quynh was trying to put herself out there, being the fearless spirit that she was but Andy also knew it was overwhelming and she was still healing emotionally and mentally from being isolated for so long. Andy tried to get her to take things easy but Quynh refused. She wanted to feel like she fit into these times now, not in a few months or even worse, years. Andy both admired her for it and worried about her. Most days she wasn't sure which emotion was stronger. In the end, she always let Quynh set her own pace.
"We can leave anytime you want." Andy reassured her, pulling her in close and linking their arms together, pressing a kiss to her cheek.
Quynh smiled gratefully but ultimately shook her head. "I want to try that ice cream you've been talking about."
Andy chuckled at her undying love of sweets. "Alright, it's right this way."
Andy noticed when Quynh was trying to pick a flavor that her hand went to the back of her head again. She found herself wondering why that spot in particular if it didn't hurt or itch? She made a mental note to check on it again.
They enjoyed their ice cream and bought some new clothes, then went back to the safehouse. Booker and Nile had dinner ready for everyone and they all had a good time catching up on everyone's day.
When they retired to their room after helping with dishes, Andy asked. "Can I braid your hair before bed?"
Quynh looked about ready to fall asleep as soon as where head hit the pillow but it had been a while since Andy had done her hair and after such a long day it was an offer she couldn't refuse. She hummed her agreement and they both sat cross-legged on the bed.
Andy carefully brushed her hair but before she began braiding it she checked the spots again. To her dismay they were bigger and there were a few more spots near them. She looked more closely and could see that some of the hair was starting to grow back but it was so short you couldn't even grasp it yet.
Quynh was too tired to notice Andy had stopped, so she finished braiding her hair, wondering the whole time what was going on. She knew Quynh was still healing, she had watched a paper cut heal just this afternoon.
After Quynh had fallen asleep, her head resting comfortably on Andy's shoulder and one of her legs thrown over her, Andy decided to see if the Internet had any suggestions for the hair loss. She hated using her phone for anything other than talking into it but it was a practical way of getting information.
She saw plenty of reasons why someone could be losing their hair and it was a little tricky factoring in their healing abilities. Trichotillomania kept coming up and it seemed to fit. Usually caused by stress, PTSD or anxiety. Andy knew just how much Quynh was suffering from all three of those despite trying to hide it. She decided she would keep a closer eye on her to see if she could tell whether or not Quynh was doing this to herself.
****
A few days after that night Quynh wanted to go with Nile and help with the grocery shopping.
Andy double-checked that Quynh was sure about going out again but she insisted it would be fun, even telling Andy she could stay home and relax if she wanted.
Of course, that was the last thing Andy wanted to do.
Driving there Andy watched Quynh out of the corner of her eye and noticed her hand going back to that spot. Andy felt her heart break a little when she saw that Quynh had plucked a piece of hair from her head. In that moment she desperately wished she could take all of her troubles away with just the sweep of her hand or a gentle word but healing always takes time. Andy decided to simply place her hand on Quynh's knee and give it a gentle squeeze. She smiled when Quynh used both of her hands to cover Andy's.
Andy continued watching Quynh. She was waiting for the right moment to sit down and talk to her about what she thought was going on but she was also trying to figure out if there were specific times Quynh was pulling so that she could find a kind way to distract her. She was worried it would only stress Quynh out more if she talked about it.
*****
"Can I fix your hair before bed?" Andy asked one night. She felt like they could both use a little help with unwinding.
"That's ok, I can do it." Quynh answered.
Andy nearly got whiplash from turning to look at Quynh so fast. "What?"
Quynh shrugged like it was nothing. "I can do it."
Andy just stared at her. Of course there were plenty of nights when Quynh would braid her own hair, even a handful of nights when Quynh had told her no, for one reason or another but Andy instantly knew this was different.
Still it had been a long day, so she kept her voice light and teasing as she said. "I know you can do it but don't you want me to?"
"Tonight I'll do it."
Andy didn't miss the guilty look that passed over Quynh's face, and Quynh knew it. She looked anywhere but in Andy's eyes and quickly started braiding her own hair.
Andy walked over to her, gently covering Quynh's hands with her own to still them. "Quynh, what's going on?" She asked softly.
Quynh still wouldn't meet her eyes, instead looking down at the carpet. "Nothi... Wha-?" She tried to say Nothing, silly, to ask her Whatever do you mean? But she couldn't lie to Andy, she wouldn't, but she also didn't have the heart to tell Andy what was going on, she didn't want her to worry. Instead she squeezed her eyes shut and just stood there.
Andy tugged lightly on her hand, leading her to their bed and Quynh followed, she would always follow Andy.
"Hey, hey it's alright, Quynh. You can relax, I've got you." Andy murmured as they sat down and Andy gathered her into her arms, laying Quynh's head over her heart, kissing the top of her head and then resting her cheek on it.
"Please, Quynh. Please talk to me." Andy pleaded as the silence stretched between them. She couldn't stand the thought of Quynh feeling like she couldn't talk to her, like she needed to hide anything from her.
Quynh couldn't refuse, not when Andy held her like she was scared of losing her again. "I..." She trailed off with a shuddering breath and then started again. "I don't want you to see how much hair I've lost. Because... It's me. I'm the one causing it. I... I keep pulling out my own hair and I don't know why and I don't know why I can't stop."
Andy felt Quynh's tear land on her arm and realized she had waited too long before talking about this. She hadn't thought Quynh would feel the need to hide this and carry it on her own. "Oh my heart, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I should have talked to you earlier about this. I think you have something called Trichotillomania and it's when people pull their hair because of stress and anxiety. It's compulsive, you'll hardly realize you're doing it, but a lot of people have it, you're not the first."
"There are other people who do this? So many it has a name?"
"Yes and considering everything you've been through..." Andy's arms tightened protectively around her. "Well, I count myself the luckiest person alive just for having you back with me."
Quynh pondered her words and when she spoke it was barely a whisper. "But what if I pull it all out? I know how much you love my long hair, how much you enjoy braiding it."
Now it was Andy who had to squeeze her eyes shut to keep the tears at bay so they could keep talking. "Oh, Quynh, I hope you know that nothing will ever stop me from loving you and wanting to take care of you."
"I know, Andy, I do."
Andy believed what she said, but she had to make sure there wasn't a shred of doubt in Quynh's mind. She tilted Quynh's head back and kissed her soft lips, tasting the salty tears. She kissed her long and slow and Quynh kissed her right back.
"I love you, Quynh. You could have no hair, no limbs, your face scarred beyond recognition and I would still love you because those things don't define you, those are not what I fell in love with a millennia ago."
Andy saw her eyes relax some but not completely, so she kept talking. "I fell in love with your brave spirit that never puts up with cruelty, I fell in love with the way you laugh at every bad joke you've ever heard, I fell in love with the way you fight for what you believe in. Everything that makes you you, Quynh, that's what I'm in love with."
Now Quynh was crying even harder. She wrapped her arms around Andy's neck and sobbed into her shoulder.
Andy held her tight, slowly rubbing Quynh's back just the way she liked and she cried too.
They stayed like that for a long time, until both of them felt like they had cried out every tear they had.
"Hey, how about I get us some water? Are you as parched as I am?" Andy asked, placing a kiss to Quynh's neck.
Quynh nodded her head and squeezed Andy's hand, returning a kiss to Andy's temple.
She came back with two cups of water and they both drank them down quickly. "More?" She asked, taking the cup from Quynh.
Quynh shook her head. "No, thank you."
Andy put the cups on the floor and crawled back in bed, gathering Quynh close to her once more. They were both completely exhausted.
"I love you." Quynh whispered.
Andy nuzzled her neck. "I love you too."
****
Quynh was up before Andy and went to make coffee and start the day.
Andy was awake when she came back into their room. "How are you feeling?"
Quynh shrugged. "Tired. Worn out." She handed Andy her coffee.
"You could have stayed in bed with me." Andy tugged playfully on her pajama shirt.
"I like bringing you coffee in bed, it makes your eyes light up."
"Oh, it's not the coffee that makes my eyes light up." Andy leaned forward and gave Quynh a kiss.
They fell silent drinking their coffee and staring out the window at nothing in particular.
Quynh cleared her throat, breaking the silence. "I got up early to look into Trichotillomania." She said it quietly, as if she almost sounded guilty about it.
Andy's eyes softened. She moved so they were sitting side by side and took her hand. "You are not alone in this, my heart. Please don't forget that."
Quynh laid her head on Andy's shoulder and stroked the back of her hand with her thumb. "I know, I know you're here for me. I just wanted to look for myself while the house was still quiet and everyone was asleep."
"And?" Andy felt like she wanted to continue.
"While I'm getting used to everything." She vaguely gestured." To being back, to adjusting to the twenty first century, I... I think I would like to shave my head. I can't stand the thought of pulling it all out, and even if I start to pull from somewhere else it should be better than this." She paused, tracing the rim of her mug with her thumb. "Then when I'm more adjusted to this new world I can try growing it out and work on getting help." She held her breath, waiting to see what Andy would say.
Andy kissed her forehead. "I have clippers with me, whenever you're ready. May I do the honors?"
Quynh let out the air she'd been holding. "Thank you, my love. Thank you for understanding, of course I'll let you do it."
"There's nothing to understand. I've been wondering what you would look like with a new do anyway. I think it will look incredibly chic and sexy."
Quynh actually laughed at the way Andy wiggled her eyebrows when she said that and it warmed Andy's heart so much she thought she might burst.
"I'm ready now, let's do it this morning." Quynh said with confidence.
Andy jumped up and grabbed the clippers from the drawer she kept them in. "How short do you want to go? Do you want to see skin? No skin?"
Quynh cocked her head to the side. "You pick, just make it short."
Andy placed a hand dramatically to her heart. "Your trust in me is touching."
Quynh grinned. "Drama queen."
They headed out to the kitchen and Andy began to set up just as Nile and Joe emerged from their rooms looking barely awake. Nicky was already in the kitchen making omelets for everyone.
"What's going on?" Nile asked, looking skeptically between the two of them.
"Quynh's getting a haircut." Andy flicked the clippers on and off once for emphasis.
"She's letting you do it?" Nile asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Hey, I can cut hair."
"Hmm, I'll have to see it to believe it."
"She's cut all of our hair before but she's not allowed to touch Joe's anymore." Nicky chimed in.
"Why can't she cut Joe's?" Quynh asked.
"She gave him a terrible mohawk and then hid the clippers so we had to wait days before we could fix it." Nicky explained. "I haven't let her touch his curls since."
Andy threw her head back and laughed. "He deserved it."
"I did not!" Joe interjected.
"He ate my baklava and didn't even buy me more." Andy explained.
"It wasn't me, that was Booker!"
"Booker didn't do it. I knew instantly you were lying."
Joe grumbled something about her having no proof.
Nile looked around. "Is he still in bed?"
"Most likely, I think he stayed up late watching movies." Nicky said.
"Sorry, my heart, for the delay, I'm ready now." Andy patted the chair and Quynh sat down.
"Hmm, I don't know, I think they've changed my mind about letting you do it." Quynh teased.
"Turning my own wife against me." Andy shook her head.
Nile rolled her eyes. "As if."
Quynh only laughed.
Andy studied her assortment of clips before selecting the number two. "It's gonna be short." She warned Quynh.
"I'm ready."
"A buzz? Oooh, that's exciting, Quynh!" Nile moved chairs so she could easily watch Andy work.
Andy turned the clippers on, took a breath and made the first cut. She worked the clippers around Quynh's head and made sure it was perfectly even before turning them off and admiring her handy work.
"I love it." Andy said, running her hand over the top of Quynh's head feeling how different it was compared to what she was used to. She had to resist the urge to kiss it until after Quynh could wash it and make sure all the little hairs were gone.
Quynh ran her hands over it. "It feels so weird."
"Good weird or bad weird?" Andy asked.
"It's good." Quynh reassured her.
"Wow, Quynh, you pull it off so well! It makes you look very elegant." Nile said.
Joe and Nicky chimed in with their love for the new look.
"I'm gonna go look at it." Quynh said.
"Wait." Andy said, causing her to pause. "You said you trust me?"
Quynh eyed her, trying to figure out what she had up her sleeve but answered immediately. "Yes."
"I'm gonna add something, alright? A finishing touch I think you'll like."
Quynh nodded and settled back in the chair.
Andy picked up the trimmers and got to work.
Nile came up behind her to watch what she was making. "Aww." She exclaimed once she realized what Andy was doing.
Quynh smiled but didn't say anything, waiting patiently.
"Done. This time for real. Go look, my love." Andy kissed Quynh's cheek.
Quynh ran to the mirror to see and was surprised by how much she liked the shaved look. Then she turned her head so she could see what Andy did to the side and saw she had shaved a heart just above her ear.
She ran back out to the kitchen, flinging her arms around Andy to give her a crushing and urgent kiss.
Quynh knew she had a lot of healing left to do, that none of it would be easy but if her heart remained by her side, she knew they could face anything.