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“What’ll we do if there are like,” Ochako says. “Like, bears?”
“I’m gonna blow up the shit out of it,” Katsuki says.
“You think your Quirk is any use against bears when it’s literally useless against me?”
“Fuck you Deku.”
“Girls, don’t fight,” Ochako says. “Did anyone bring a bear repellent?”
“The hell? What do you think bears are, cockroaches?”
“No, bear repellents are a real thing.”
“Oh, hey, Shouto,” Izuku says. “What is that you got over there? Oh—oh my god.”
“A snake,” Shouto says, holding said snake.
“Get that the fuck away from me,” Ochako says.
“How are bear repellents a real thing?” Katsuki demands.
“Get that the fuck—Shouto, I’m going to kill you, don’t—AHH.”
“Shouto!” Izuku protests, because Ochako has jumped from her spot at the grass to hide behind his back violently, which is to say that she is currently gripping Izuku’s shoulders like her life depends on it, and Ochako can bench press like, two whole Izukus. With and without Quirk. “Shouto, don’t—throw that away!”
“What? No way,” Shouto says, and then he pulls out a knife, and starts to dissect the fucking snake. “This is our dinner.”
“Our?”
“Dinner?”
“What the fuck?” Katsuki says, scrolling on his phone and ignoring Shouto’s snake autopsy. “Bear repellents are real.”
“Wow, is there service here?” Shouto says, as he throws a snake skin away.
“I’m not going to eat a fucking snake,” Ochako says, who has calmed down a little but is still hiding behind Izuku’s back. “What kinda Rambo shit are you on. We got rice. We brought canned food. We have spam!”
Shouto blinks. “Spam?” he says. He is wrapping the snake body around a branch like he’s done it his whole life. “I thought we came here to detox from our high-paced capitalistic modern life.”
“He’s right,” Katsuki says. “Spam is indeed a product of modern capitalism. Hey, how come nobody brought bear repellent?”
“Weren’t you going to fight the bear?”
“Are you fucking kidding? It’s a bear. Even All Might wouldn’t fucking fight a bear.”
“Why do you have your phone with you?” Shouto says. “Throw it away. Become one with nature.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” Katsuki says again. “What if something comes up and I have my pay deducted from the agency? No thanks. I’m already underpaid.”
“We are all underpaid sidekicks,” Izuku said. “Might as well enjoy ourselves on our day off.”
“By camping in the forest,” Ochako says. “Why did I agree on this? Eugh. No girls came too!”
“Katsuki, didn’t you invite Kyouka?”
“She’s busy with her side gig. You know she’s making an album this year.”
“Fuck, that’s so cool,” Ochako said. “Here I am watching my friend skinning a snake in the middle of nowhere at the ripe age of twenty. Ahh! Get that the fuck away from me, I’ll kill you!”
“Seriously, she’ll kill you,” Izuku says, who has once again become a shield between Ochako and Shouto’s snake satay which the latter is currently flinging towards the former. “This was actually Tenya’s idea, by the way.”
“And now he’s the one who isn’t coming. Ass,” Katsuki says.
“This isn’t a jungle. Or in the middle of nowhere. We are literally in Tokyo,” Shouto says. He is currently piling up logs. “There are no bears. But also. Tenya would’ve brought a bear repellent.”
Izuku sighs. “He would. I think he’s like, at an impromptu photoshoot right now.”
“Oh, yeah. Along with Eijirou.”
“Their popularity rankings really sky-rocketed, huh?” Ochako sighs. “Puberty sure hit them like a truck.”
“Bastards,” Katsuki says. “Am I not hot enough for a photoshoot? Puberty hit me too.”
“Like a fly.”
“Fuck you Deku.”
“Is it a photoshoot for that Hero magazine? The one with that published that piece about the—”
“The All Might panties?”
“What All Might panties?”
“Yeah, that one. They offered me a photoshoot too.”
“Hey, what All Might panties?”
“And here you are,” Ochako says. “Voted Sexiest Young Hero #1 in the year of 2XXX. Barbeque grilling a fucking snake on a stick.”
“He isn’t even a Hero yet,” grumbles Katsuki. “We are all sidekicks until we hit twenty-one.”
“I can’t do that photoshoot,” says Shouto, who is currently barbeque grilling a snake on a stick. “It’s a shirtless shoot. I’m shy. I can’t even poop in front of people.”
“None of us can poop in front of people,” says Izuku.
“I can, because I’m stronger than you.”
“Not sure that’s something to brag about, Kacchan.”
“Where is the wok?” Ochako says, rummaging around their giant backpack. “Izuku, I thought you were the one bringing the wok? We have to cook the rice.”
“Oh, that,” Izuku says. “I brought this instead. I thought it’s more efficient.”
Ochako stares at him in silence. Katsuki looks over and stares at him in silence. Shouto is sprinkling salt delicately over his barbecue snake.
“Let me get this straight, Deku,” Katsuki says. “You brought a rice cooker. To cook rice. Because it’s more efficient.”
“Yeah. It is, right?” Izuku says. “Doesn’t that make sense?”
“Does it make sense,” Ochako says. “To bring a rice cooker. Which needs to be plugged. To electricity. In the middle of a fucking forest?”
Izuku pales.
“I’m an idiot,” he whispers, in a very small voice.
“You graduated UA with a cum laude you insane idiot,” Ochako hisses.
“I also got a cum laude,” says Katsuki pissily, because he is desperate for validation.
“Momo also got a cum laude. All three of you got a cum laude,” Shouto says. “I, on the other hand, got lazy.”
“And yet I’m the smartest bitch around here,” says Ochako, who whacks Izuku over the head. Very lightly, because if she does it for real, he will get a concussion. “Hand over the rice container in the cooker. We’ll hang it over fire.”
Izuku hands it over very sadly. “But it’ll get spoiled..”
“Buy a new one.”
“Get a new brain while you’re at it too,” Katsuki says.
“Screw you, Kacchan.”
“Okay, PG-13 Pro-Hero Deku.”
“Jerk.”
“Oof, devastating insult, how can I ever recover?”
“You wanna go, Kacchan? Want me to hand your ass over to you again?”
“Girls, don’t fight,” Shouto says. “The snake will be ready in forty minutes.”
“Yeah, no,” Ochako says. “Start another fire, we’re gonna cook the curry. We don’t have beef, so … we’re gonna use the spam.”
“Curry with spam..?” Izuku looks depressed. “I miss my mom.”
“Don’t we all,” Shouto says, and proceeds to start another fire.
“Shouto,” Ochako says. “Why on god’s green earth are you starting a fire with a stick? ”
“Wait, Shouto, did you do it this way before on your snake too?” Izuku looks mildly intrigued.
“Yeah.”
“I brought a lighter,” Katsuki says, pulling it out.
Ochako turns to look at him, aghast. “Lighter?” she repeats. “Both of you have fire Quirks.”
Katsuki goes silent. “Wow,” he says. And then, contemplatively, “I forgot.”
“I’m one with nature,” says Shouto, as if it’s a sufficient explanation.
Izuku puts his hand over Shouto’s. “Your Quirk is nature, Shouto. Because it’s your power.”
Shouto holds Izuku’s hand tightly. “Thank you, Izuku.”
“Gay,” Katsuki says.
“I am,” Izuku says. “Wanna go?”
Ochako whacks the back of Katsuki’s head (very lightly). “We are all gay. Cook the curry!”
The curry actually turns out pretty nice, despite the spam infestation, because Katsuki is annoyingly good at everything. “The snake is actually..” Izuku chews contemplatively. “Huh.”
“It’s good, right?” Shouto says. “Vipers taste even better.”
“Let me try,” Katsuki says. “Huh. It’s like, chicken.”
“You are all barbarians,” Ochako says.
“It’s getting cold,” Izuku says, which is a ploy to get Shouto to warm him up.
“Here, lean on my side,” says Shouto, who falls for the aforementioned ploy.
“No fair, I want to cuddle with the heater too,” Ochako protests.
“Did you just call me a heater?”
“Hey, who set up the tent?”
“I did.”
Katsuki wrinkles his nose. “Huh. Fine, I guess.”
“What is that supposed to mean,” Izuku demands. “I set them up just fine.”
“Ehh.”
“You wanna go?”
“Shut up, you two,” Ochako cracks open a can. “Have a beer. Shouto. Pretty please.”
Shouto takes Ochako’s beer and cools it up with his Quirk. “Thanks. I love you.”
“Love you too. Even if you are taking advantage of me.”
“I would never.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Shouto says. “I have proof. I hired a private detective to tail you.”
“Oh my. Please. I can explain everything,” Ochako says.
“How could you? Did our marriage mean nothing to you? The honeymoon? The baby, Ochako?”
“Why can’t you trust me, Shouto? I would never do that to you, dear. What kind of woman do you think I am. I won’t sign these divorce papers!”
“Why are you two so goddamn weird,” Katsuki says. “Ugh. Lots of mosquitoes.”
“Here,” Izuku throws a can of mosquito spray to Katsuki’s face. It’s a violent throw, and though Katsuki manages to catch it, his hand stings from the force of Izuku’s unfortunately sizable bicep even without his Quirk. He glares, but Izuku just stares back at him innocently, cheek squished over Shouto’s shoulder.
“Oo. You want to kill me so bad,” Katsuki says, spraying the repellent all over his exposed skin.
“Don’t we all,” Shouto says nicely, breaking from his divorcing couple roleplay with Ochako. “It’s getting dark.”
“It’s kinda creepy,” Ochako rubs her arms. “What time is it?”
“Seven.”
“Eh? I swear it was like. Eight.”
“The forest messes up with your body clock.”
“Okay, Rambo.”
“Survival skills are important,” Shouto says. “Not only as a Hero. But also. As a human being. We have to respect nature. And nature will. Respect us. In return.”
“What the hell are you on,” Ochako says.
“You killed a snake,” Izuku reminds him.
“And then I eat it. To honor its life. It will, in the end, return to the earth. And so will I. Life cycle. Ecosystem.”
“Are you fucking drunk?” Katsuki says.
“No,” Shouto says. “Are you?”
“Hell no,” Katsuki replies. “I ain’t no light drinker.”
“You are on your second bottle of soju.”
“They taste great with curry!”
“How did we bring this many drinks, anyway?” Ochako says. “Who carried them when we hiked? Like, this is a lot.”
“Me,” says Izuku, and yeah, that makes sense. Voted #1 Beefcakest Young Hero. “Um. Is it even ok that we drink? In the forest? Like, is there any law against it?”
“Are you scared we are gonna get in trouble?” Katsuki sneers. “We ain’t high schoolers anymore, you nerd.”
“Nah, it’s okay as long as we don’t litter,” replies Ochako, opening another can.
“This is still too much,” says Izuku. “How are we gonna hike back all hungover?”
“That’s a problem for the us tomorrow morning,” says not-drunk Shouto wisely. “And the us right now. Are having a good time.”
“Ooh, you bad boy, you,” Ochako says. “Who would’ve thought, looking at you? Actually, nevermind. You picked a fight with everyone.”
“I did not.”
“Sooo did. With Deku. Remember? All delinquent like.”
Izuku nods nostalgically. “Remember when you yelled at like. The police.”
“Oh, yes..” Shouto squints. “I did do that. Why did I do that?”
“Teen angst?” Izuku suggests. “Hormones? Repressed anger issues? Cheers.”
“Cheers.”
“Meanwhile Katsuki here,” Ochako punches Katsuki’s shoulder, this time not very lightly, because she is not very sober. “Honor student and everything. Embarrassiiiing.”
“Shut up,” Katsuki sulks. “I’m a bad boy. I’m the baddest boy here. I’m the worst.”
“You have a cum laude,” Shouto says, superiorly. “I don’t.”
“As if that shit is useful. Our paycheck is the same!”
“C’mooon, don’t be so negative, Kacchan,” Izuku sways and punches Katsuki’s shoulder, which hurts even more than Ochako’s, because he, too, is not very sober. “It’s called grinding. Grinding! Hustle! We gotta work. To get to the top. Sidekicking first… and then. Boom. Pro-Heroes before you know it.”
“Sidekicking? We are doing ad-hoc jobs,” Katsuki slams his soju bottle to the ground. Alcohol spills everywhere. The glass bottom nearly cracks. “Ad-hoc! Another data entry and I’m going to kill someone. I’m a Hero, not a fucking admin.”
“Well, you are very good at the back-end stuff,” Izuku points out. “Didn’t you even solve that issue, with your agency’s frontdesk? The uhh. What’s it, the platform issue..”
“The virtual communications platform issue. Their customer service is the worst, I had to help out the IT because they’re so fucking stupid they can’t even do their jobs right.”
“See!” Izuku slaps Katsuki’s back, which makes Katsuki cough his soju up, because fuck that dude is strong. “I think that’s good! You can even put that on your resume. Uhh. IT skills. Able to improvise. Can work under pressure. Good at everything. Etc.”
“Fuck this shit,” Katsuki bottoms up.
“Hey, you guys think we should do a side gig like Kyouka?” Ochako says. “I mean, even Mashirao-kun is teaching martial arts on the side, you know. Living expenses are rising. We are nearing a monetary crisis!”
“I feel like I gotta make a savings account,” Shouto says.
“You don’t have a savings account?” Ochako sounds aghast.
“Wait, do we have to have a savings account?” Izuku is alarmed. “I don’t have one either!”
“Of course you gotta, moron, you are twenty years old,” Kacchan says. “What, does Auntie Inko make your dentist calls for you too?”
Izuku throws grass at him. “Uncalled for.”
“Oh yeah, Shouto, you moved out last month, right?” Ochako says. “How’s the new place? You’re rooming with that guy from Shiketsu, right. What’s-his-name. ”
“Inasa. It’s been terrible,” Shouto says, making a face. “He won’t wash his dishes. Or pick up his hair in the shower. But. My sister brings me lots of food. And. I think the change is good for me.”
“That’s good, man. Happy for you.”
“Thanks,” Shouto says. “Side gigs don’t sound too bad, though. Extra income. Saving so I can get my own place..”
“That’s the dream, that’s the dream.”
“Musutafu apartments are skyrocketing…”
“You can tutor english,” Izuku suggests. “Or math.”
“Math?” Shouto crinkles his nose. “The last time I did exponents was literally three years ago. But english, huh..”
“Man, look at us,” Ochako raises her can of beer. “Camping with nature on our day off. Talking about mortgages and fuckin, savings account, math and shit. Cheers to adulting!”
“Cheers,” Shouto says.
“Yay,” Izuku says.
“Cringe,” Katsuki says.
Ochako throws an empty beer can at him, which he dodges dutifully. “Shut up, trust fund kid.”
“The fuck? Shouto is also a trust fund kid.”
“But I hate my father,” says Shouto, and both Ochako and Izuku nod understandingly as if it’s a legitimate excuse. Which, it is.
“Ochako, are you gonna continue with your agency in the future?”
“I don’t know, dude,” she says. “Like, I know it’s bad but I’m kinda too lazy to look for another one… my track records are pretty good so far but the competition is getting tougher, you know?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“But the company’s got a good insurance policy though. They even cover property damage. So like, maybe?”
“They got dentist insurance too?" Ochako nods. "No way. Mine doesn’t.”
“What! That’s illegal.”
“Can’t believe we graduated and we still gotta deal with this grinding shit,” Katsuki says.
“We got it pretty easy ‘cause of UA,” Shouto says, taking another bottle from the cooler. “The ones without a Hero school backing them? Almost zero chances. No referral, or anything. Even the Ketsubutsu kids are having trouble now since that scandal.”
“Ah, the money laundering thing, right? That was pretty bad.”
“Pretty hard to scratch the rankings these days,” Ochako says. “All the top spots for the beginners are dominated with UA kids, though. We are basically competing with our senpais and kouhais. The juniors are pretty strong, did you notice?”
“I’m stronger,” Katsuki sulks.
“No, you’re drunk.”
“Is it actually crazy if I change tracks?” Ochako says. “What if I just open a flower shop. Like, by the beach. And just. Chill everyday. Sell flowers, wear a pretty sundress. Drink wine. Damn.”
“You’ll get bored within two weeks,” Izuku says. “You’re literally an adrenaline junkie.”
Ochako sucks her teeth. “You’re right. But I’d look very pretty and I’d be having a very nice life. What would you be?”
Izuku considers this. “I don’t know,” he says. “It’s always just been Heroes,” he pauses. “Wait, is that bad?”
“Do you have like,” Ochako pauses. “Like, hobbies?”
“I like to watch Hero fights…”
The other three stare at him. Izuku clears his throat. “Um,” he says, defensively. “I like to analyze Hero fights too! And, and collect merch… and go to cons…”
They stare.
“Oh my god,” Izuku says with dawning horror. “It’s literally the entire facet of my identity.”
“Yeah, that’s bad.”
“Pretty bad.”
“Kinda sad.”
“Shut up. What would you be,” Izuku jabs a finger at Katsuki. “You’re just like me, you jerk.”
“Fuck no. I would’ve been an archeologist.”
Silence. And then, “stop laughing,” Katsuki says. “Stop laughing!”
Ochako wheezes. “A-arche—what?”
“Archeology is cool,” Kasuki insists. And then he throws grass at them. “Stop fucking laughing! What would you be?”
“A surfer,” Shouto answers readily.
“What?” Ochako sounds delighted. “Oh, my god. An archeologist. And a goddamn surfer.”
“And a florist,” Izuku sounds both sad and amused. “How come you guys have dreams and stuff?”
“Well, we are all here, now,” Ochako raises her umpteenth beer again. They follow suit. “Plus fucking ultra, ladies.”
Shouto sways to stand up. He looks pretty unsteady, cheeks red and eyes glassy. “I gotta take a piss.”
“Don’t go too far,” Izuku says, concerned. “Can’t you just piss right over there? We’ll just look away or something.”
“I told you I can’t poop in front of people.”
“So is it piss or is it poop?”
“I’m a shy pisser,” Shouto insists, before disappearing into the woods.
“Damn,” Ochako says. “Will he be fine? One of you go follow him.”
“What, to watch him piss?” Katsuki opens another bottle with his elbow. “That’s non-consensual.”
“I don’t think I can stand. Everything is spinning,” Izuku lays down on the grass. “Wow. Look at the stars.”
Three of them lay on their backs to look at the stars.
“Wow,” Ochako says. “That’s beautiful. I feel small and full.”
“No drunken philosophy shit, please,” says Katsuki.
“This has been a pretty good outing,” Izuku says. “I’m glad we came here on our day off. Too bad the others can’t come, though,” a pause, and then he says, “I love you guys.”
“No drunken sappy shit, please,” says Katsuki.
“Sshh,” Ochako puts a finger on Katsuki’s lips, which the latter promptly slaps away. “Enjoy the moment. We are one. With nature. And the universe. Or something.”
“Shut up you drunk.”
“‘S cold. Where’s Shouto? Need my heater.”
“What time is it? Wow, it’s only nine.”
“Lying down is making me feel sick.”
The three of them promptly sit up when they hear a loud rustling.
It’s Shouto, stumbling from the woods. He looks extremely disheveled and confused. “We have a problem,” he announces.
“Gross, zip up your pantssss,” Ochako slurs, waving her can. Beer spills everywhere.
Shouto, pants still unzipped, stumbles to the campfire. “We. Uhh,” he repeats. His words are badly slurred. “We have. A problem. A huge one. Call, call Tenya.”
“Tenya?” Izuku repeats, giggles. His words are also slurred. “What in the world are you talking about.”
“Uhh,” Shouto says, but before he can gather enough sober brain cells to manage a complete sentence, something else comes out of the woods.
It is, indeed, a huge problem.
They stare, inebriated and frozen and stupid as hell. And then Katsuki says what they are all thinking.
“Oh my fucking god,” Katsuki slurs. “It’s a fucking bear.”
Izuku, drunk off his ass, One for All crackling like electricity along his legs, sways to stand up.
“Hey,” Izuku says, to the bear. “You wanna go?”