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It started with a cup of coffee.
Jake Peralta had an incredibly long night. Not only had he gotten home from a 13 hour shift (leaving behind an unsolved murder) to find their dishwasher was broken, he hadn’t been able to finally fall asleep until after 3AM, rounding him out to a solid two and a half-hours. After wrestling with the stupid dishwasher and finally tweaking it enough so they could tackle the overwehmling pile of dishes in the sink, he had to help Amy get their son ready for school the next morning. Amy too had worked a long shift that day and spent hours before Jake got home trying herself to fix the dishwasher, and it wasn’t fair for her to have to do everything.
Needless to say, neither of them had slept very soundly.
All Jake wanted to do was drink a hot cup of coffee, quietly, at the kitchen table. That was all he wanted. He had to bring Mac to school in a half- hour, and then he’d go back into work to try and solve the brutal killing he’d been dealing with yesterday.
He wasn’t asking much. Just one cup of coffee before he had to push his exhausted body back into motion.
Being a detective, husband and father all at once could be really tiring at times. He was used to stress, hell he’d been dealing with it since he was a kid. He could adjust to anything. He’d been undercover and in witness protection and even to prison. He’d been a father for six years now, and he loved every minute of it.
Still, sometimes he was just tired.
Jake brought the coffee to his lips for another desperate sip, glancing over his shoulder as Amy and Mac entered the kitchen. Amy was dressed in her sergeant’s uniform, ready to leave for her shift. Mac was wearing a pair of well-worn jeans and a Star Wars t-shirt, his dark curls were neatly combed and like his father, he looked rather sleepy.
“Jake,” Amy had that distressed tone in her voice that notified him something was wrong, “I can’t find Mac’s binder for school.”
Jake rubbed his eye tiredly, “It’s not in his backpack?”
She shook her head, glancing at the watch on her wrist, “I really have to go, I’m gonna be late. Help him find it please.”
Jake couldn’t help the heavy sigh that befell him, and he asked, “Why didn’t you guys look for it yesterday?”
Amy bristled a bit at the slight frustration in Jake’s voice, “We were too busy with the dishwasher flooding the kitchen. Why didn’t you look for it when you got here?”
Mac glanced anxiously between his parents, holding his Ninja Turtles backpack against his chest, “I think we have a test today...I don’t need the binder until Monday.”
Jake set his mug on the table, knowing he’d be returning to a lukewarm cup of coffee, “Mac, go check your bedroom. Maybe Mom can look in her car before she leaves.”
Mac nodded, retreating to his bedroom to go hunt down his binder.
Amy threw her hands up in exasperation, looking at Jake, “Mom doesn’t have time to look in her car! Mom is a busy sergeant who’s about to be late for work!”
Jake got to his feet, frustration mounting, lassitude making him feel ready to keel over, “And Dad isn’t busy?”
“I never said that.” Amy snapped, crossing her arms over her chest, “I don’t even have time to sit here and argue with you about a stupid binder! He always loses things, he gets that from you!”
“Oh yeah and it’s so horrible to be just like me?” Jake demanded. Normally her words would've hurt, but right now all he could feel was exhaustion and anger.
“I never said that.” Amy’s voice was still a cold growl, and her deeply set brow made the dark circles under her eyes more prominent.
“You didn’t have to.” Jake hissed before he could stop himself, “That’s always been true right? You run the show and I’m just your slacker deadweight? Can’t even keep track of my kid’s binder?”
“Oh shut up Jake, you know that isn’t true!” Amy groaned, “I really don’t have time to do this right now! I have to leave.”
Amy moved for the door, shaking her head with frustration. The air in the room was tense and rigid as he watched her go. Jake hesitated for a moment, still bathing in the anger ruminating between them.
“Amy.” His voice was hard and stern as he got her attention, though he didn’t move from his spot by the table. With her hand on the door, Amy looked at him expectantly,
“What?” She asked with annoyance tinging her voice.
“I love you.” The words sounded odd coming out of his mouth, with the cold brashness in his tone. Still, even when they argued, it didn’t change the fact that she was his wife, and he loved her more than anything. And with the nature of their jobs...there was always a chance one of them wouldn’t come home that night.
“I love you too.” Amy’s voice softened a bit, though he could see from her stiff shoulders she was still angry. Their eyes met for a moment, and she gave him a small wave, disappearing through the front door.
Jake sighed and headed down the hall to find the missing binder.
-
Jake could tell his son was uncomfortable on the drive to school.
Amy had wanted the best for Mac, so they’d ended up finding a nice school in Holt and Kevin’s neighborhood, which was about fifteen minutes from their apartment. They got lucky and were able to enroll him with an out-of-boundary exception. It was fine, except for the fact that on top of the already shitty morning, now they were stuck in traffic. Mac was definitely going to be late.
“Sorry bud.” Jake sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand across his forehead as they stared at the brake lights in front of them, “looks like there was an accident.” This was definitely the last thing he needed.
“I hope nobody got hurt.” Mac said in a small voice, pressing his face into the widow to look at the line of cars.
His words gave Jake a pause, and he realized he hadn’t even considered that, he’d been more annoyed that they were going to be delayed. He glanced at Mac in the rearview mirror, brows pulling down. He frowned; maybe he needed some perspective.
“Me too.” Jake replied softly, “I think they’re okay.”
“How can you tell?”
Jake pursed his lips, “Well, there’s no ambulance, just cops. I can see one of the drivers is walking around. Looks like a fender bender.”
“What’s a fender bender?”
Jake said, “Just a minor accident. Not a big deal.”
“Then how come we’re not moving?”
“Cause they gotta clean it up first.” Jake explained, “that might take a while.”
“Oh.” Mac nodded thoughtfully, then sat back against his seat with a sigh. Jake watched his son in the mirror; the little boy was fiddling with the zipper on his backpack, a telltale sign he was nervous.
“What’s up bubba?” Jake asked in a gentle voice, knowing something was wrong.
“Nothing…” Mac said, though he wouldn’t meet Jake’s eyes in the rearview mirror.
“Are you sure?” Jake prompted. Sometimes Mac could be a little too much like his dad, he wasn’t the best at articulating his feelings.
Mac shrugged, glancing up so his big brown eyes met Jake’s, “You and mom were yelling at each other this morning. Are you gonna get a divorce?”
The words struck Jake right in the chest. He was shocked, completely blindsided by the question. Mac had never said anything like that to him, nor did Jake ever expect him to.
“Bubba, where would you get an idea like that?” Jake demanded, inching the car forward as the traffic began to clear up and the road opened in front of them.
“There’s a girl in my class, Zoey. Her parents got divorced. She said they fighted all the time before it happened.”
If Amy were here, she would’ve corrected the “fighted” thing, but Jake was too dumbstruck to worry about his son’s grammar at the moment.
“Mac...you’re not actually worried about this right? You know Mom and I love each other more than anything?” Jake really, really hoped his son would say “of course.”
But Mac shrugged again, his lower lip looking quite wobbly, “I-I don’t know...I don’t want you guys to break up. Grandma told me Grandpa left you and her for a while...I don’t want you to leave us.”
Jake already felt pretty terrible, but then his son let out a small sniffle and wiped at his eyes, and he knew he was the worst dad in the world. Probably the worst husband too.
“Oh, buddy.” Jake pulled the car over into a church parking lot, across from school. Mac was already late anyway, “C’mere.”
Jake held his arms out. Mac quickly unstrapped himself and climbed over the center console into Jake’s lap. Jake squeezed him tight against his chest, resting his chin in the boy’s messy hair. He could feel Mac’s hot tears cutting through his flannel, and it made his eyebrows pull together in an effort to stay composed.
He couldn’t believe that he was the cause of this.
Jake thought about his own father. How many nights had Jake spent in exactly the same place Mac was right now? Frantic that his mom was going to be alone, trying to drown out the sound of his parents screaming at eachother? Finally realizing his dad was gone for good…
He’d told himself if his child ever felt that way, he’d failed as a parent. Well, the day had finally come. He was screwing up his kid just like his dad had done.
“I’m so sorry buddy,” Jake murmured quietly, “That you were at all worried about this. I promise, I would never leave you, or Mom. You two are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Mac wiped his face uselessly, sniffling hard. Jake brought his arm up on instinct and wiped Mac’s nose with his sleeve, bringing his thumbs up to the boy’s cheeks to dry his tears. He looked into Mac’s red, watery eyes, and continued.
“I know it’s a little confusing. Sometimes Mom and I get a little tired and stressed out, and we yell at eachother. It doesn’t mean we don’t love eachother very much.”
“It’s cause of me?” Mac sniffed, blinking rapidly, “cause I lost my binder?”
“No!” Jake’s voice was urgent, impassioned. He remembered vividly how much he’d blamed himself for everything that went wrong with his parents. He couldn't stand the thought of his son thinking anything of the sort.
“It’s not your fault at all bubba.” Jake assured him, their eyes meeting seriously, “I promise you. Your mom is the love of my life, literally the woman of my dreams…” Jake sighed, looking down shamefully, “I didn’t treat her very nicely this morning. But I should have. Sometimes we get so comfortable and safe it’s easy to forget that things are breakable...like trust.”
Mac was watching him with wide, awed eyes as he listened carefully. Jake was sure most of the words went over his head, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to say them anyway.
“You should be able to trust that Mom and Dad aren’t going to break up. I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t today. But Mac, I promise you, I am not going anywhere. Ever. Mom and I are gonna be together forever. Even when we’re old and wrinkly and don’t notice that we’re farting.”
A grin spread across Mac’s face as he giggled, covering his mouth with his hand, “Mom already doesn’t!”
Jake snorted out a laugh, “I won’t tell her you said that.”
Mac’s little laugh faded a bit, and he glanced up at his dad, “Sorry I cried.”
“Never be sorry for feeling your feelings little dude.” Jake ruffled the boy’s curls and smiled, “World would be a better place if we all did that from time to time.”
“So...you and Mom aren’t going to break up?”
“Never.” Jake promised him sincerely. He could tell from Mac’s relieved smile that the boy believed him.
“I don’t wanna go to school today.” Mac admitted quietly, looking out the window across the street.
“I don't really wanna go to work.” Jake mused, glancing over at his son. It was hard to notice anything except his red-rimmed eyes and sniffly nose.
“Let’s play hooky.” Jake decided.
“What’s hooky?” Mac inquired with a confused frown.
The older man laughed a bit, his son’s boyish innocence charming as ever, “It’s what we do on days like this.”
On nights like this, the walk to the apartment door seemed to go on forever.
After a particularly shitty morning arguing with her husband and a frustrating shift, Amy was ready to just get home and fall into bed. She knew she couldn’t do that though, Jake would be at work for another hour, and she had to relieve their sitter Abby and make dinner for Mac.
Amy gratefully arrived at the apartment door and pushed it open, stepping in with a heavy sigh. The apartment was strangely quiet, the kitchen and living room lights off.
“Mac?” Amy called into the quiet apartment, “Abby?”
Panic suddenly leaked into her veins at the thought of something happening. Abby was responsible, sure, but she was just a teenager. What if there had been an emergency?
Amy checked Mac’s room, it was empty. She made it down the hall, her hand instinctively going toward the gun holstered at her hip, and she pushed the master bedroom door open. When she stepped inside, her brows pulled up at the sight before her, eyes softening.
Jake was curled up on his side in bed, snoring loudly. In his arms, Mac was cradled against his chest, snoozing away. Both of their faces were smushed up against different body parts, drool dribbling from their lips. As they slept, they looked so much alike it made Amy’s heart ache.
She’d been so awful to Jake this morning, she knew she owed him an apology. She hoped he was okay, it was definitely strange for him to be home early on a Friday.
Before she could enter fully, the sound of the doorbell ringing caught her attention. Jake was a light sleeper, and she saw him stir awake at the noise, though Mac stayed peacefully sleeping against his dad’s chest.
“Ames?” Jake whispered groggily, squinting into the darkness.
“One sec.” she turned away and hustled toward the front door. She pulled it open, frowning with confusion when she saw the delivery girl standing there.
“Are you Amy?” she inquired, arms full with bags of takeout. Amy could see from the logo that it was her favorite European restaurant.
“I am….” she replied hesitantly, wondering if this was some kind of elaborate trap set by a criminal.
“This is from Jake.” the girl said with a bright smile, passing Amy the bags. Amy took the takeout bags in her arms, feeling a smile spread across her face.
“And he also wanted us to give you this.” The delivery girl reached into her bag and pulled out a rectangular object.
Amy balked in surprise when she realized the girl was handing her Mac’s school binder.
There was a small, handwritten note on the top that said: He left it under the couch. I’m sorry.
Amy smiled warmly at the delivery girl, “Thank you. Has he-”
“It’s all paid for and taken care of.” The girl’s willingness to give the spiel and bring the binder assured Amy that Jake had tipped her generously, “Have a good night.”
“Thank you.” Amy nodded kindly and closed the door as the girl walked off. Amy turned around, balancing her arms full of food, glancing up to see Jake standing in the doorway.
“Hey.” He said, offering her a small, shy smile.
“Cute.” Amy mused, holding up the binder, “How’d you swing that?”
“Brought it to the restaurant when we put in the order and gave her Mac’s big puppy dog eyes.” Jake shrugged nonchalantly.
“Thanks for the food.” Amy gestured to the bags, “Did you get the-”
“Perogies?” Jake grinned, “Of course I did.”
“So what happened?” Amy asked, the smile lingering on her face, “You didn’t go to work.”
“We played hooky…” Jake pursed his lips, “If anyone asks, Mac has explosive diarrhea.”
Amy snorted out a laugh, “Good to know.”
She met Jake’s eyes, and noticed the somberness hidden behind his playful expression. She knew she owed him an apology. She wanted to make it right.
Standing there, wearing a pair of sweats and an old NYPD t-shirt, Jake looked as handsome as the day they got married. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to have abated after his cat nap with Mac, and his curls were a tangled mess atop his head. It reminded her so much of their son she had to resist the urge to ruffle his hair like she did to Mac.
“Jake, I’m sorry about this morning.” Amy started, right at the same time as Jake said, “I’m sorry about today.”
They followed this with a chorus of synchronized: “Why are you sorry?”
“I’ll go.” Amy shook her head, “I was really snippy and rude. I’m sorry for talking to you that way. Honestly it’s just been a really long week and I guess I sort of took it out on you. That isn’t fair. I’m sorry, babe. I love you.”
“I started it.” Jake shook his head, “I was being selfish and lazy. I’m sorry Ames, I hope you know how much I love you and respect you. I know you work really hard.”
“I know you do too.” Amy closed the distance between them and brought her hands up to cup his cheeks, “I guess we kinda just got caught up in the stress of life and didn’t appreciate each other for a second there.”
“It will never happen again.” Jake promised her. Amy could see the sincerity in his eyes, an urgent need to assure her that he loved her and didn’t want anything but the rest of their lives together.
But Amy already knew all of that, “Jake, it probably will. We’re two adults with stressful jobs and a child. And that’s okay. What we have is a lot stronger than an argument here and there. I’m not going anywhere just ‘cause of a little fight, okay?”
Jake leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead, sighing softly as his eyes closed, “I have to tell you something.”
“What?”
“Today in the car…” Jake winced visibly, shaking his head, “Mac asked me if we were going to get divorced.”
Amy’s heart dropped, a frown creasing her expression. She knew their son was probably just being a little over dramatic; his parents rarely fought so when they did it seemed like the end of the world. She also knew Jake probably saw this differently than she did.
“I just…” Jake sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes with one hand, “I feel like I’ve already failed. I’m just like my dad. I used to say shit like that to my mom all the time Amy. He was really upset.”
“Jake,” Amy’s voice was gentle, “You are the best dad in the entire world. I know this is kind of a sensitive subject for you, but I promise, Mac is probably only worried because it’s so rare that we do fight. A girl in his class has been talking about her parent’s divorce. He’s a kid, babe. They say things like that. It’s not because of you.”
Jake wouldn’t meet her eyes, “What kind of example am I setting? I never wanted to have a conversation like that with my kid.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” Amy took his face in her hands again, smiling softly, “When my parents fought, sometimes I worried they’d split up too. Kids can’t really understand the complexity of relationships. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of.” Amy pulled Jake close and pressed her forehead against his, “It’s that our son has nothing to worry about. And I know he knows that.”
Jake finally looked up, and Amy’s heart broke just a little bit at his expression. There was a pain there hidden behind his big brown eyes that she knew she’d never be able to soothe. To Jake, this was serious. This was the worst thing his child could have said to him. Jake never wanted any kids of his to worry about their parents splitting up.
She knew he spent many long nights listening to his own parents fight, wondering what he’d done to set it off or if he was at fault for their divorce. She knew he spent holidays alone while his mom worked, and often missed fathers day celebrations, and wondered if he’d ever have a “real” family.
“We’ve built a beautiful family together.” Amy murmured, “You have made the life you always hoped for. That kid is completely in love with you, Jake. Don’t ever doubt everything you’ve done his whole life to make sure of that. We are going to be together until one of us croaks, and Mac will get to see that.”
“I love you.” Jake murmured quietly, closing his eyes as he relaxed into their close proximity.
“I love you too.” Amy took Jake in a little bit closer, and pressed their lips together.
The kiss was gentle, but impassioned, full of meaning and affection. His hands came up to softly tangle in her hair, mouth moving with hers in synchrony. He was sweet and firm, familiar and hers in every way. He was home, happiness, he was everything.
“Mommy!”
The pair broke apart at the sound of the excited voice in the entryway. Mac was standing there, hair sleep-trussed as his father’s was. He was bounding toward Amy excitedly, wrapping his arms around her legs.
“I missed you! Daddy and I played hooker!”
“Hooky!” Jake corrected, covering his mouth with his hand to suppress a laugh.
Amy found herself laughing too as she gave Mac a squeeze and said, “I heard! Did you have fun?”
“Yes!” Mac glanced between his parents, then turned back to Amy, “Sorry I lost my binder.”
“That’s okay Mac.” Amy ruffled his hair, “I see that you guys found it, that’s all that matters.”
“And you and Dad love each other.” Mac told her matter-of-factly, “And you’re never breaking up.”
“That’s true.” Amy nodded, glancing over his head at Jake, who had his arms crossed, and was watching Mac with an almost unreadable expression. She couldn’t quite decipher what he was feeling, but the pain in his eyes had been replaced with peace. The small quirk at the corner of his mouth assured her that he was going to be okay.
“And we got food!” Mac turned his attention to the takeout bags on the table, beginning to tear into the plastic eagerly.
“Plate, Mac!” Jake rolled his eyes and headed into the kitchen to collect the utensils they’d need for the meal.
Mac followed his father into the kitchen, and Amy watched them with a small smile. They both reached for the cabinet door at the same time, knocking their hands together before wrestling to see who could grab the plates first. Mac had to stand on the counter to achieve it, but that didn’t seem to be setting him back.
If Jake wanted a kid who was nothing like him, he’d definitely struck out. But Amy knew that was the best thing she could’ve asked for.
She headed into the kitchen to break up the battle.