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Light leaned on the bathroom sink. His eyes closed, he lifted his head to face the mirror. It had only been 2 days since he regained his memories of the death note. He was having sudden bouts of dizziness and nausea. Migraines would come at night while he tried to sleep and he’s far more tired than normal. It had been hell trying to get his mind used to four years of memories flooding back in.
Light opened his eyes. He saw L standing behind him. He felt the familiar weight of their handcuffs on his wrist. He blinked and both were gone.
It had been one day since L agreed to remove the handcuffs, and Light still got his ever creeping presence. It genuinely freaked him out the first time. Thinking L actually was behind him, wondering if he saw or heard anything that could be detrimental to Kira. After almost four years together, Light has figured out how to tell when L is sneaking up on him, before the light clinking of the chain, even.
The detective can be almost soundless when he wants to be. But Light has paid quite a bit of attention to him while in his presence.
When L focuses on something, he breathes very slowly. A very long inhale, followed by short bursts of exhales. It's silent to those who aren't paying attention. His footsteps make absolutely no sound. Neither does his clothing. His abnormal breathing is the only chance Light has against a sneaking L.
Light flicks off the mirror light and steps back into his apartment. Or L’s apartment that he's staying in. With his Kira memories still taking a toll on his mind, he can't remember what all he did when he was without the death note. He gets bits and pieces of it, significant details and memories are the only thing he remembers.
He knows that during the 4 month period they were handcuffed together, they had shared both an apartment (in the kira investigation headquarters) and a bed. They ate together, slept together, played chess, and even played a card game that Light can't remember the name of.
However, when the two were split up, Light was placed in the apartment that was attached to L’s. L had complete control over the construction and layout of the headquarters, of course he would make an apartment attached to his. And place Light in it. All it takes to invade someone's privacy is opening one door that just so happens to be without a lock.
Which L abused.
Like now. He was standing in the doorway that connected their apartments, watching Light. Light blinked a few times just to see if he'd go away.
“Hello, Light-kun,” L said.
Light gave up on the blinking technique.
L was in his usually stance, back slouched, arms dangling. His hair was suffocatingly black and it was soaked . It made him look even more like a mop than usual.
“Why are you wet, Ryuzaki? You're getting water everywhere. It’s…” He checked his watch. A memory of something irritating filled his mind. “Oh. It's 2:00.”
Light closed his eyes, a migraine starting in the middle of the day was new. He rubbed his eyes. L had a very specific routine of showering exactly at 1:30pm. He'd spend precisely 13 minutes cleaning himself before getting out and then letting himself air dry. Light knows this because L insisted they shower together. He observed him like you would a wild animal that's been put in captivity. Taking note of when he ate, bathed, etc.
Light didn't have anything against showering with L, really. Just annoying that he keeps remembering useless things when L is in the room. And that he was getting water on the carpet
“It is. Are you ready?” L asks, walking farther into the apartment. His feet moved like he was dragging along 50 pound weights. His voice was in a deadpan, as always.
Light’s eyes follow his lanky body to the couch. “Ready for what?”
L looked at him. He held up his hand. He was holding an expensive looking hairbrush. It looked small in L’s hand, and he didn’t say anything, thinking the hairbrush reveal was all that needed to be said.
“I'm not following.” Light walked towards the couch.
“Brush my hair.” L explained, no, commanded . “You didn't yesterday. Since the handcuffs had just come off, I figured I'd give you some space.”
“What?” Light asked, entirely confused. He took the hairbrush instinctively as L shoved it towards him. Light looked at it like it was a bomb. Something about the brush felt familiar.
L crouched in front of the sofa, Light could see his back bones as his damp shirt clung to him. “You've been brushing my hair for some time now. I've enjoyed it.” L eyed Light from the floor, clearly suspicious and letting Light know it.
Now he remembers. The memory came a few seconds too late. L taking a shower, not blow drying his hair, not even running a towel over it. It irritated Light how casual he was about his appearance. After their shower together one day, Light was the one sneaking up on a half naked L. Not successfully, considering the chain and the constant proximity.
“L, you need to do something with that rats nest. You're getting water everywhere and you haven't brushed it the entire time we've been together.” Light had panicked at his own phrasing, blushing when he also took in the fact that neither of them were fully dressed yet.
“What do you suggest I do?” L said. His monotone voice was slightly amused. Light liked when L showed a bit of emotion in his voice. It humanized him. L’s thinness made his bones jut out of his skin strangely. His ribs and hip bones were so pronounced on his white skin that Light thought he looked like an abused, starved puppy. The man was anything but starved.
“Blow-dry it and brush it for starters.” Light looked away from L’s body.
“I don't want to. I have better things to do.” L pulled on the same jeans he had been wearing for 3 days.
Light squeezed his hands into fists. His knuckles turned white. L was watching him with a small smile behind his thumb. His big grey eyes challenged him. Light wanted to punch him. Why can't he take better care of himself? He'd get respected if he did. Light shook his head. He already gets so much goddamn respect. That's what's so irritating.
“Let me brush it then, because I can't stand looking at it anymore. It's a mess and it distracts me.”
“I distract you, Light-kun?” L took a small key out of his pocket. He unlocked both handcuffs. They both pulled their shirts on over their heads. Light caught L staring at his torso as he pulled the shirt over himself. L didn't seem embarrassed at being caught. After they were done, L snapped the handcuffs back on and replaced the key back into his pocket. Light scoffed at how the key was less than 6 feet away from him at all times, yet he never even considered stealing the key from L.
“I didn't say that, asshole. I said your hair does.” He grabbed one of his brushes from the counter, “Here. This one can be yours.”
He looked at the hairbrush he had given L and then back to the cigarette of a man who sat patiently. He had a small smile from that memory. He rolled his eyes, somewhat affectionately, and he took his seat on the couch. L, crouched, facing the blank tv, was snuggled between Light’s knees. He leaned back so his spine was touching the cushions.
“Why can't you brush your own hair again?” Light asked. Not really getting the correct answer in the memory. He did an experimental brush stroke through L’s hair. L, immediately, leaned even further into his touch. His head fell back to let Light see better.
L’s hair was jet black dry, but when it was wet, it was intoxicatingly black. The black you'd find at the center of a black hole, it could consume you.
It was always soft, though, no matter if he brushed it or not. Light remembered waking up with his hand tangled in it. L was staring at him, neither of them moved. When Light hadn't made any attempt to remove his hand from the other's hair, L closed his eyes again. He might have even scooted closer. Or that was Light. He thought about something else.
“You're better at it than I am.” L’s thumb was on his lip. He was mumbling around it.
He scoffed, “How so?” Light now had a rhythm going with the strokes. He made sure to run his hair through the parts he had brushed to try to fluff it out a bit. Making it a bit less formal. The brush made a nice noise with every pass through his hair. Why had he given L his favorite brush?
L bit his thumb, “You never hurt me.”
Light hesitated. His words struck him in a way he didn't quite understand yet. I could hurt you. Maybe I want to. He quickly went back to brushing again, forgetting what was said.
When Light didn't respond, L continued, “Even Watari could never do it without pulling my hair. But, no matter how tangled it is, you never hurt me. So I enjoy when you do it.”
Light swallowed and parted a section of hair off. His hand was gentle and guiding. Softly, “Lean your head down,” he said. L listened.
Kira wants him dead. L is just an obstacle, standing in the way of creating a better future for good people.
Light ran his fingers along L’s scalp. L shivered at the sensation. He did it again. And again.
“I didn’t know you were so gentle with brushing, Light-kun. When you demanded I let you brush it all those months ago, I thought it was an excuse to cause me pain, and I could just get under your skin the entire time. That wasn't the case.” L’s head had leaned back up, relishing Light’s touch, savoring it. It gave Light a chance to see his face. His skin was almost paper white and his face was as thin as every other part of him. His eyes were closed, eyelashes fluttering like he didn't mean for them to be closed. Eyebags are still wildly puffy, if not more so after seeing the shinigami two days ago. His facial features were sharp and handsome. His bony hand was hanging dumbly from his mouth as he bit on his index finger. Light couldn't help but think he was beautiful.
“I used to brush Sayu’s hair when she was younger.” Light was transfixed on L’s face. He couldn't remember seeing him so relaxed. He ran his fingers along his scalp again, putting a little more pressure this time. L smiled. Light started massaging his scalp with his left hand while his right one continued to brush.
“Sayu. Your sister, correct?”
Light hummed a yes. You knew that. You stalked my family for weeks. There was a nasty bit in L’s hair that wasn't taking any of his attempts to detangle it kindly. It was also at an incredibly hard angle to see and reach.
“Your hair is a wonder, Ryuzaki. You have so much of it.” He tried to brush out the rats nest that was nestled right against the back of L’s neck, but it wouldn't budge. He found himself being even more cautious not to hurt L.
Light laughed, “I could probably reach this part better if you were on my lap or something.” He was taking a break to pull all the black hair out of the brush and possibly find a hair tie close by.
L turned to face Light. “How?”
Light had leaned across the couch to reach a hair tie Misa had left sticking out of the couch cushion. “How what?”
When he went upright again, he stuttered and froze at L being between his legs, now facing him. A finger pressed down on his bottom lip.
“How should I sit on your lap?”
Light chuckled nervously. “Oh, I was just joking, Ryuzaki.”
L looked confused. His usual frown was sharper and he bit his fingernail. “Oh...okay. Nevermind then.” L turned around, facing the blank tv once again.
Light panicked, “No! No, I mean, if you don't mind. I think it would actually be more efficient, the angle would work better...and all that.”
He wanted L to sit in his lap. The idea intrigued him immensely, but he didn't think L would actually do it. He didn't understand why it felt so natural to suggest L sit on his lap, either
L didn't say anything in response, just stood up slightly and settled onto Light’s lap. The positioning was a bit awkward with L’s irritating trait of sitting oddly at all times. Light didn't mind, his hand was on L’s waist, guiding him making sure they were both comfortable. These strange, intimate gestures, towards L, felt so second nature to Light now. Like he'd been doing this for a long time.
L didn't seem to be bothered by it either, so he left it alone and allowed himself to indulge in physical contact he actually enjoyed.
The two men settled into a position they both agreed upon. L faced the tv, still, and couldn't question Light if he stared.
So he did.
L’s shirt was somewhat dry now, but still slightly see through. His shoulder blades made small hills on his back. Light leaned in, L smelled like Light's soap. L glanced back when Light hadn't started brushing yet. Light cleared his throat.
Light got to work on L’s tangle infestation. It was much easier to brush through from this angle. The strokes started getting quieter as his hair straightened out.
L shifted in his lap. His bony, white hands were deciding where they belonged and he was flexing his feet.
Light watched L fidget for a moment before reaching up with his other hand. He buried his fingers into L’s still wet hair and started massaging his scalp. His fingers disappeared into the death black hair.
L made a pleased noise and shivered. He stopped fidgeting.
“You seem to be enjoying this, Ryuzaki.” Light teased.
“I told you, I always enjoy it,” L said, he sounded anything but embarrassed.
Light did a few more quick brush strokes to make sure L’s hair was free of knots or tangles. The brush went through his hair smoothly. “All right, done.” Light muttered, feeling slightly self conscious of their pose now that he wasn't brushing.
He put the brush on the arm of the couch.
L picked it up. He made a fuss turning around on Light’s lap, almost falling over, even. Light put his hand on L’s back and leg to steady him as he finished maneuvering. Light stared up at L. His eyes were narrow. He had a memory of something similar to this. It irritated him that he couldn't remember. He bit his cheek.
“You're not finished.” L slouched down even more, which Light didn't think was possible. He pushed the hairbrush to the other's chest. “You didn't do the front.”
Light took his eyes away from L’s and surveyed his bangs. They were a mess and still soaked. L’s hair didn't dry very quickly due to it's abundance. Cold water dripped from the ends onto Light’s shirt. He took the hairbrush from his chest. “Fine. You're such a child.” He handed L the hair tie he had picked up. “Put your hair up.”
“You’re also childish, don't fool yourself.” L took the hair tie and pulled his hair back into a small ponytail, high up on his head. He left his bangs alone.
“How? I'm the one brushing your hair,” Light huffed. He took a handful of L’s hair and started brushing it. He wouldn't look L in the eye anymore.
“ Kira is childish, therefore you are childish.” Light avoiding his gaze didn't mean L would stop staring. His big, grey eyes searched Light’s face. For a tick, a twitch, any movement. Light didn't give him any sign, except rolling his eyes and tutting sarcastically.
“You really think Kira would brush your hair for you?” Light said, an undertone of bitterness leaking out.
“Mm.” L took Light’s hand that was, subconsciously, still holding onto L’s hip and put it on his head. Light scoffed, but started running his fingers through the black abyss anyway.
Light’s eyebrows shot down. “You could have just asked for me to do that, you didn't have to be rude.”
He could watch L’s face freely now. Grey, doll eyes hidden by puffy, dark eyelids. His fingernail was between his teeth, the tiniest hint of a smile graced his face. He had faint moles scattering his face.
“That was me asking.” He opened his eyes and caught Light’s stare. “You're acting strange, Light.”
Light’s eyes didn't leave L’s. He didn't even want to give him the satisfaction of blinking. “I'm acting like myself.”
“No. You usually would have kissed me by now,” L said.
Light jumped, pulling the brush and his hand away from L. “What?”
The other looked at him. Face going completely blank.
“What,” L said this not like a question, but more mocking Light.
Light swallowed, arms frozen in the air. “What are you talking about, Ryuzaki?”
L leaned in closer. Their nose barely an inch from touching. Light’s arms dropped down beside them as he took a deep breath. L’s stare down continued. “You don't remember?”
He did. L on his lap. His lips always chapped and comfortable to kiss. He tasted like fruit, icing, and tea. A kiss between them felt like a key going into its lock.
Light woke up with his hand in L’s hair. L's expression was soft as he stared at his bedmate. They both scooted closer to give the other a small kiss before going back to sleep. L only mimicked sleep, content on watching Light. After a few nights of this, Light took L into his arms, pulling his back against his chest. Light would kiss L’s shoulders when he woke up throughout the night.
Light would kiss the top of L’s head as the detective showed him some new Kira victims. He'd kiss his knuckles. L would kiss him back. L’s mouth on his neck. L’s voice echoed in his ear, “ Can I kiss you, Light? ”, “ Kiss me. ”, “ Can you kiss me? ”. L always asking permission, afraid that one day the answer will be no.
Hundreds of memories of L and Light, together, kissing, touching fingers, hugging, being close , squeezed into Light’s mind. He adored this man.
A God cannot adore something below him.
Light swallowed. “I remember.”
His eyes darted down towards L’s lips, but only for a split second. He realized his mistake and blew out a breath that sounded a lot like ‘ shit’ .
“Light,” L said as if Light was a stray cat that he was trying to call over. “Do you want to kiss me?”
Light’s grasp on the hair brush got even tighter. “Yes.” It almost sounded painful.
This is a ploy.
L put a hand on Light's cheek. His eyes were soft. A warm grey, Light was reflected in them. They held adoration.
Don't fall for such an obvious trick. You are Kira.
Light's hand went into L’s hair, sliding the hair tie off easily. Black, fluffy hair enveloped L’s face once again. Light held onto his hair like L might get up and leave him. That this is what he needed to figure out that he's Kira, just one stupid mistake Light allowed due to this mess.
L didn't move.
He's tricking you, and you're falling for it. You aren't a God.
L’s lips were centimeters away from Light's. He wasn't closing the gap. This was his challenge towards his opponent. If Light wanted to kiss him, he had to kiss him. Or I’m going to have to beg him.
Light couldn't make himself. Kira and his anxiety. He couldn't help but think that this was a trick, all of it, how they acted before and this moment right now. All of it was an elaborate set up to catch Kira. He couldn't close the gap himself. You're nobody's God.
“ Please ,” He pleaded. He wasn't quite Kira, and he wasn't quite Light, either.
“Please what?” L asked. Voice even and emotion free. A complete opposite of Light’s voice. He was calm and serious.
Don't beg, you fucking coward. Don't beg him.
“ Please , L,” He didn't want to say it. It felt humiliating. “Kiss me.”
L smiled. His other hand went to Light’s other cheek. He had power over Light, holding him like this. “Who knew a God could beg?”
He closed the gap for Light.
It felt satisfying, just like in his memories. It felt like fate to be with L, like this. Kissing him, hands in the other's hair, L’s hands on him. Everything fit right into place. Light let go of the hairbrush. He grasped onto L’s shirt in desperation and anxiety. He was steadying himself.
L broke them apart. His thumb automatically going to his own lips. He smiled slightly behind it. He seemed pleased with himself.
“Why did you call me a God?” Light asked. His hand fell from L’s hair to his jaw. L leaned into it, closing his eyes. He didn't answer him. Light ran his thumb across L’s cheekbone. He's beautiful, repeated in Light’s head.
L eyelids drooped. He leaned into Light. His face planted into Light’s neck. His arms hung awkwardly, grabbing on Light’s shirt and holding on. Worried, too, that Light would push him off and walk away. Light wrapped his arms around him. He knows you are Kira. You've lost.
“L.”
“Yes, Light?” His voice was muffled.
Light thought. I've lost. “Kiss me again.”
L kissed his neck and ran his hand along his torso in a pattern that only made sense to L. Light drew shapes on L’s back as he looked up at the ceiling, refusing to look at the situation.
L kissed his neck, jaw, ear, cheek. Anywhere Light desired to be kissed, L was already there, reading his mind. Light was in pure bliss. A sensation warmed his stomach and goosebumps textured his skin. He was content for once in his life. He wanted to stay like this, live like this.
“Look at me.” L had stopped kissing him. Light was so focused he hadn't even noticed. A phantom sensation still playing on his neck. L was (almost) upright on his lap now. Light had still been staring at the ceiling. He followed L’s order and looked at him.
“Why did you call me a God?” Light asked again before L could say anything.
L face was unchanging. “That's what you see yourself as, no? A God amongst men. But tell me, the most interesting part, have you ever seen a God beg before?”
“You're being ridiculous.” Light, always playing dumb. The bizarreness of the situation hindered his acting skills, however.
L smiled, it was teasing and knowing. But it was L. I'm going to have to kill him. I can't love him.
Light kissed him this time. It was quick and painful and it made L smile more. Different this time.
“I’m not. You'll remember soon,” L said. Always mysterious and always one step ahead.
“Kiss?” L asked. The other nodded. L went back to kissing his neck. Light held onto him a little tighter.