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Patrick closed the door, David’s silence when he’d handed him the plate of food and the hurt in his eyes echoing far louder than anything he could have said.
He turned to walk to room 9, where Stevie had said Rachel would be and braced himself for another difficult conversation, one he should have had months ago.
He knocked and opened the door slowly.
“Rach, I-”
“What the fuck is going on Patrick?!”
“What are you doing here?”
“What do you think?! You’ve been ignoring my messages and won’t take my calls! I deserve better than this Patrick. You can’t end our engagement and just leave without an explanation. ‘I can’t do this anymore’ isn’t good enough. We were going to get married.”
Patrick sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Can I …” he gestured at the round table and chairs at the other end of the room.
Rachel shrugged at him and sat on the bed closest to the table.
“Look, Rach, I’m sorry, I really am. You’re right, you do deserve better than how I treated you, than what I could give you. It’s just … I didn’t … I don’t … hmm,” he pursed his lips in frustration and looked at her.
“Why?”
He looked at her. The one quiet syllable, uttered so softly he wasn’t sure he’d even heard it broke his heart. He didn’t think it was possible for his heart to have shattered even more after his conversation with David.
“Rachel, I’m-” he took a breath. “I’m gay.” He heard a sharp inhale from her.
“Since when?!”
“Well, always I guess.”
“That’s not what I meant. When did you know?”
“I didn’t know. I didn’t realise until …”
“Until David.”
He couldn’t stop the wry smile that escaped when she said his name.
“But what about us? I loved you! I still love you... You were my life, Patrick.”
Tears streamed down her face. Patrick was frozen in his seat. Torn between wanting to pull her into his arms and comfort her and not wanting to overstep any boundaries given their current situation.
“Patrick? Paddy.”
He realized that he hadn’t said anything to her and must have been sitting silently for a while. He closed the gap between them and sat next to her, gripping her shoulders.
“Rach, please believe me when I say that nothing about this is because of you. It’s me and I know that’s a cliche but I need you to hear me out.”
She nodded. Patrick stood, needing some space to get the words he needed to say out.
“I love you, Rach, but not like you deserve. You’re gorgeous and smart and funny and are the kindest person I know. I’ve been so lucky to have you in my life for so long-”
“But” she spat out bitterly.
“-But you should be happy and with someone who adores you, and that person isn’t me. I wish I’d realized that sooner. I tried so hard to be that person for you, but we weren’t right together. I knew that if I stayed at home, we’d do what we always did and find our way back to each other but we’d never be happy, not really … so I left. Coz it was easier to do that then face reality.”
Patrick paused and took a shuddering breath, surprised to feel that his face was wet.
“I’m sorry Rachel, I never wanted to hurt you and I know that I did. Badly. Truth is that I never really knew why things didn’t feel right between us. You were my best friend - I hope that you still could be - but I’m not in love with you. I’m so sorry.”
“Do you love him?” The bitterness that had laced her voice earlier was gone, replaced by tiredness.
“He doesn’t know that I do yet, he’s not ready … and after this, I don’t know if he ever will be,” he sat next to her again. “But this isn’t about him, not now. You deserve an explanation about why I left home and you and that’s the best I can give. Things didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel right, and I knew that I couldn’t figure that out if I stayed, so I left.”
“And know you know why it wasn’t right.”
“I guess … yes, I do know. It never would have worked with us Rach, I’m gay ...” he laughed. “You know I’ve never said that to anyone before?”
“Guess I should be flattered then,” she said with a small smile on her face.
“I’m glad it was you.”
“You’ve never said it to David?”
“Didn’t really need to,” he shrugged with a small smile. “Are you- are we okay?”
Rachel sighed.
“Patrick, you’ll always be my Paddington Bear and I think I’ll always love you. You’ve been my best friend my whole life. I know that you can’t help who you are. I do. Somehow I’m even happy that you’re happy. But I wish you’d figured this out 10 years ago.”
Patrick hung his head, “I wish I had too. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, and I don’t want to punish you. But … I can’t be friends with you right now. The man I thought I knew would never have left without an explanation the way you did. You devastated me.”
Her voice broke as she wiped a tear away.
“I need time and space to deal with this. Finding out that all those years we were together, you were never attracted to me - oh my god, did you ever even want to have sex with me?! Don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know.”
Patrick blushed and looked at the floor.
Rachel took a breath and continued, “the fact that I’m just now finding out that you never loved me the way that I loved - and still love - you?! It’s a lot. It hurts.”
“I understand, that’s fair and I’m sorry. I … I know I’m not in a position to ask you for a favor, but …” he hesitated.
“What is it, Patrick?” She sighed.
“My parents don’t know. About me. I haven’t told them. I don’t want to tell them over the phone and I’m not ready to go home and face them yet.”
Her face softened at hearing that. She placed her hand over his and said “I’m not going to out you to anyone, Paddy. I’ll keep your secret.”
“Thanks Rach.”
There was an awkward silence before he stood up to leave. He gave Rachel an awkward pat on the shoulder, before she threw her arms around him.
“Despite everything, I’m proud of you, for telling me,” she whispered into his chest.
“Take care of yourself, okay?” He dropped a quick kiss to the top of her head, then untangled himself from her arms.
Patrick sat in his car later, staring at David’s door, unable to bring himself to drive away. The man he loved had said that he couldn’t trust him and asked for space. And the woman he’d spent his whole life loving had also told him that she needed space and couldn’t be his friend.
He couldn’t blame either of them for that, he knew that he was the only one to blame.
He’d had everything and now? Now, he had no one.