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Karl sits on his bed scrolling through Twitter. This seems to be his new hobby as of recent, he just finds the community so heartwarming and hilarious. His eyes scan his timeline until they rest on a breathtaking piece of fan art. It’s of Sapnap and him with Sapnap cradling Karl’s face leaning down. Karl’s heart skips a beat. He had secretly been crushing on Sapnap for months now.
He takes in the art in its entirety. His face breaks into a sad smile. He had had many fantasies about the two of them, it was like a guilty pleasure for him that ended with him feeling actually guilty. Karl knew it would never happen, was always just going to stay a fantasy. He had come to terms with this reality a long time ago.
That of course hadn’t stopped it from hurting every time Sapnap jokingly flirted with him, comforted him, or even was just nice to him.
Karl hated how he couldn’t even hang out with one of his best friends without his heart clenching and him wanting to scream or cry or both.
He turns off his phone and just lays in the darkness for a few minutes mind going over every memory of Sapnap he has.
His vision starts blurring and soon he finds himself sobbing in the fetal position on his bed, his mind racing. He doesn’t even realize he can’t breathe.
Once he realizes he can’t breathe he starts to panic. He starts panting trying to calm himself down.
As he’s working to try and breathe he hears a voice in his head.
God your so weak.
Of course, Sapnap would never want you! Look at you. Honestly pathetic.
Karl’s breathing goes erratic again and he finds himself agreeing with everything the voice is telling him.
That was until he feels a buzz next to him. He looks up and sees his phone, discarded in his panic, ringing.
Karl ignores it until it rings for the third time. He sniffles and shakily picks it up. His heart drops.
Sapnap wants to facetime
Karl starts dissociating. This can’t happen right now. He can’t talk to him not now and at this rate not ever. The thought of never talking to him again makes Karl feel like puking. He doesn’t want to lose Sapnap, but he can’t live like this. Karl lets out a groan of frustration, that mixed with his crying just sounds like a whimper.
Karl doesn’t how but he then hears Sapnap’s voice come through his phone.
“Karl!” Sapnap greets energetically, smile clear in his voice.
Karl’s eyes widen in fear.
“ Shit.” He hisses under his breath fumbling to grip his phone tighter and hang up.
“Karl?” Sapnap’s confused voice floods Karl with a new wave of panic.
He can’t let Sapnap see him like this. Especially since it was his unrequited feelings towards the man that caused all of this.
“...rl?”
“...arl?”
“Karl!” Sapnap’s concerned almost shout cuts off Karl’s spiral.
“Huh?” Karl mumbles slowly processing what is happening, where he is, is he talking to someone?
“Karl are you ok? You’re really scaring me right now.” Karl lifts his phone a little to see Sapnap’s concerned face staring back at him.
“Sapnap?” Karl whispers still confused and still panicking.
“Yeah, it’s me. Are you ok?” Sapnap’s voice sounds slightly panicked but he’s holding it off.
“Uh…” Karl starts to hyperventilate. He feels mortified. He hadn’t meant for Sapnap to see him like this. He never wanted anybody to see him like this. He was supposed to be a ray of sunshine. What good was he if he couldn’t even do that right?
You aren’t any good. You know it and so do your friends they just pity you. The voice starts to mock again.
Karl feels fresh tears prick his eyes and cascade down his cheeks.
“I-I’m sorry,” Karl whispers weakly, pathetically, trying his best to sound like he wasn’t having a breakdown. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” Karl started to sob now.
“Hey hey it’s ok you have nothing to be sorry for,” Sapnap interjects his string of ‘I’m sorry’s.
Karl wipes his eyes and looks at his phone screen to see Sapnap’s face now filled with concern and pain. Karl curled into himself at his expression.
“I need you to breathe for me, Karl. Can you do that?” Sapnap cautiously asks.
Karl breathes in a shaky breath and nods. Sapnap gives a small smile in relief at his acceptance.
Karl tries breathing in for four seconds and ends up choking around the third second.
“That was so good Karl! Can you try to do it again?” Sapnap’s gentle voice gives Karl the courage to try again and again and again until finally, his breathing becomes somewhat normal again.
“Ok now if it’s not too much can you tell me what happened?” Sapnap says carefully, obviously trying to keep Karl calm and not freak him out.
Karl’s breathing stutters, his mind being reminded why he was so upset and that there was no way he could tell Sapnap. But… he was so kind and patient with him. Karl decides that he could be vague and hopefully, Sapnap wouldn’t push.
“Uh, this thing I saw on Twitter.” Karl’s voice shakes a little more than he would like, but he can’t do much about it.
“Something on Twitter?” Sapnap repeats sounding confused, “If you don’t mind me asking what was it? You don’t have to tell me of course! I just want to know so I can avoid stuff like that y’know?”
Karl feels himself pale. “so I can avoid stuff like that.”. He wants Sapnap to like him back he truly does. He hadn’t come to terms with rejection, he had just shoved his feelings to the deepest pit in his self-consciousness praying they would stay there.
“Uhm…” Karl starts his voice cracking, “It was a fanart.” He whispers.
“A fanart?”
“Y-yeah. It was stupid for me to act like this I’m really sorry I should go.” Karl rushes fumbling to end the call.
“Wait, Karl!” Sapnap’s interjection makes him freeze. “I don’t think it’s stupid. You have no control over that kind of stuff. It’s ok that you’re upset. I want to be here and help you.” The sincerity in his voice makes Karl start to tear up again.
“Y-you’re not mad? Or upset with me?” Karl mumbles.
“Karl I would never be mad or upset with you for having a panic attack.” Sapnap sighs leaning back in his chair and threading his fingers through his hair.
He’s pretty. Karl blushes immediately having to turn away from his phone to make sure Sapnap didn’t see. Now was not the time for his dumb crush to come out.
“Do you mind telling me what the fanart was about?” Karl could hear the hesitation and it made him even more nervous. God all he wanted to do was be open with Sapnap rejection or not and just have his feelings out there. So he bites the bullet and just goes for it.
“It was about us?” He tries to say it with finality but falls short and ends up saying it as a question.
“Us?” Sapnap parrots, confused.
Karl bites his bottom lip nervously and curtly nods.
“Wha-what does that mean? Like was it me killing you or something?” Karl’s eyes go wide at that comment.
“I’m just wondering!” Sapnap quickly backtracks.
“N-no it wasn’t anything like that.” Karl manages to say still bewildered Sapnap thought it was him getting hurt. Though the more he kept thinking about it, it made sense. Who has a panic attack about a pretty love scene?
“So… what was it?” Sapnap’s voice was stilled hesitant but now laced with confusion.
Karl closes his eyes and takes a deep breath summoning all of his courage and answers,” It was us almost...kissing.”
Karl sees Sapnap’s eyes widen and his cheeks gain a rosy tint. Then he sees confusion and hurt? Cloud his eyes.
“You’re having a panic attack over a drawing of us kissing?” Sapnap breathes clearly taken aback.
“W-well yes but no?” Karl sighs sinking a little more into himself. Why did he think this was a good idea?
“Do you not like shipping?” Sapnap asks after a beat of silence.
“It’s not shipping it’s who it was with.” Karl lets out without thinking.
“You don’t want to be shipped with me?” Sapnap’s voice is quiet and it makes Karl feel small and bad.
“I just- I can’t handle all the drawings and stories and all of that when it comes to you. It hits too close to home.” Karl admits dying a little on the inside.
“What do you mean Karl?” Sapnap’s voice was still small, but Karl swears he heard a little hope?
“I just… I really like you Sap. More than I should and I don’t know how to handle that the fact that me telling you this is going to make you hate me and never want to speak to me again and-”
“Karl.” Sapnap interrupts him. Karl closes his mouth and looks at him.
“Even if I didn’t return your feelings I wouldn’t just cut you out of my life. You mean a lot to me.” Sapnap’s sincere words catch Karl off guard.
“R-really?” He squeaks quietly, too scared that this was some sick joke and he was about to get laughed at.
“Really,” Sapnap confirms.
Karl sighs and relaxes a little bit until he replays the sentence in his head again.
“Wait what do you mean even if I didn’t return your feelings?” Karl questions looking at his phone screen with furrowed eyebrows.
“Uh.” Sapnap’s face turns a deep shade of crimson and he has to clear his throat, “Well I’ve kind of had a huge crush on you for a while.” He admits sheepishly.
Karl stares with his mouth agape.
This couldn’t be real.
“Woah.” Is all he says, shocked that his definitely unrequited feelings were requited.
“Yeah…” Sapnap responds intent on staring anywhere but his phone.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygoooddd.
Karl’s mind starts racing and he feels his cheeks heat up again.
“I’m sorry if I’m just pushing that into all of this I just feel like you should know.” Sapnap quickly explains, clearly scared he had done something wrong.
He in fact had done quite the opposite, Karl’s brain was just short-circuiting.
“I- no it’s completely fine!” Karl finally manages to get out, “I’m just shocked. I really thought these were one-sided.” He chuckles nervously.
Sapnap’s face gains a small smile, “I did too.”
They sit in comfortable silence for a little before Sapnap speaks up again.
“Wait is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”
“Uh yeah,” Karl answers sheepishly ducking his face down, “I really couldn’t handle how sweet you were being while I thought my feelings were stupid.”
“Yeah, I get that. I guess we looked at this two completely different ways,” Sapnap chuckles,” I wanted to see if you had feelings or if me being nice could get you to gain feelings. Which, yes, I do understand is weird but I was really hoping.” He continues.
“Trust me I returned them.” Karl lets out a breathy laugh,” I still do…” The last part is barely audible, but he knows Sapnap heard him.
“So...what do you wanna do?” Sapnap asks gently.
“I don’t really know? Could we maybe try this? Us?” Karl asks nervously, holding his phone in one hand and fiddling with his bedsheets in the other.
“I would really like that,” Sapnap says with a warm smile.
Karl lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and gives a nervous but just as warm smile back.
This was going to be interesting.