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Tom missed Alex. The old Alex. Ever since he went on that mission in France, he had changed. He was more serious, more withdrawn, and more pensive than he used to be. He was more passive, even when they were talking about shitty samurai movies.
Tom had never realized how open Alex was until he was suddenly… closed. He did his best to give Alex the space he needed to grieve the loss of his uncle, fighting himself, and being roped into a life or death situation by the government. But he really wanted his friend back. And it was time for Tom to do something to help Alex along.
Tom sent Alex a quick text. Movies, tonight. My place, bring snacks :)
He only had to wait but a moment for a reply.
Busy. Too much catch-up work. I’ll probably be up until midnight.
Tom huffed. Alex had already skipped out twice, and he wasn’t going to let it happen a third time. Okay, come and study here, get a change of pace in!
Alex replied quickly. Study? In your place? Unlikely.
Promise, I got shit to do too. C’mon we used to study together all the time . Tom sent it without added the implied before you got roped up in spy stuff.
It took ten minutes for Alex to respond. Omw. I told Jack I’m spending the night.
Tom smiled.
Alex was knocking on his door shortly after and he settled in on the floor, with Tom at the desk.
“Mind if I play some music?” Tom asked.
“No.”
Tom sighed at Alex’s stoicism and turned on his speaker. The music playing in the room was almost worse than the silence. As Tom worked on his Maths, his thoughts couldn’t stop drifting to how he could help Alex get out of whatever funk he was in. Alex was always open about his feelings with Tom. But he had hardly spoken about everything that had happened during and after his mission, even though they were legally allowed to talk about it to each other.
Alex was half the person he used to be, and it ate at Tom.
The promised end time of midnight quickly pushed two, when Alex finally gave up and called it a night.
The winddown felt awkward. Tom watched as Alex gathered his books and pens in his back and stretched, wincing occasionally.
Alex noticed Tom watching him, and raised his eyebrows in question.
“Alex,” he started, and walked the three lengths to close the distance between them. “How long are you going to pretend you’re okay.”
Alex tensed and looked away.
Tom ached. He ached for Alex. He wanted him to be open, and okay, and safe.
He didn’t know what to say.
So he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Alex as tight as he could.
Tom couldn’t remember the last time he had hugged, Alex. They never really did a whole lot of physical touching, but Tom didn’t have the words to express all of it. His confusion, concern, loneliness. He just needed Alex to know.
Alex tensed again.
Before fiercely clutching to Tom in return. Tom could feel the pressure of Alex’s fingers digging into his back and shoulders before fisting the cotton of his shirt in his hands. He could feel the rapid pound of Alex’s heart in his chest and the shaky breaths against the back of his neck, and the pressure of his chin digging into his shoulder. And Alex just...clung.
Tom slowly began to rub Alex’s back, as he heard and felt Alex try to reign in his emotions.
“Don’t worry mate, I’ve got you,” he said softly.
Alex choked on a sob and pulled Tom closed, tighter.
“Why?” Alex gasped, voice shaking and overflowing with grief. “Why?”
Tom didn’t have an answer, but he could feel his eyes filling with tears too. Alex didn’t deserve this. Any of this.
“Why can’t I be normal?”
Tom sighed. He was out of his depth. What could he say?
“When you’re here, you’re not Alex Friend,” he started. “You’re not, Ian’s nephew, or John’s son, or MI6’s agent. You’re just Alex. You’re my closest mate.”
He could feel Alex slowly begin to nod into his shoulder.
“You’re always welcome here, and you can always talk to me. I want you to talk to me.” He held Alex tighter for a moment. “Please. I can’t...read your mind so I don’t know how to help you or what to do.”
Alex was crying. Quietly. He could feel the tremors in Alex’s body and hear the sniffles.
“I don’t even know how to,” Alex whispered. “I… I’m so sorry you were hurt.”
“It’s okay, Alex. I’m fine. I forgive you.”
Alex kept crying, quietly. And Tom just kept holding him, letting Alex take the time he needed to slowly break down and then put himself back together. Even if Alex didn’t know what to say, the least Tom could do was be there to help him through it.
Slowly, the sniffling subsided and Alex’s tight grip on Tom’s shirt loosened until his arms hung limp at his sides. Tom gently let go too and finally saw Alex’s face reddened and tear-streaked but looking relieved overall.
Tom quirked a weak smile. “Feeling better?”
Alex wiped the residual tears from his face and cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah I kinda do.” A smile pulled at his lips. “Sorry for...that.”
Tom’s eyes widened. “No! Don’t be sorry!” Alex looked at Tom and he realized that he probably needed to say more than that. “Never be sorry about your feelings, you’ve got them for a reason. And...I’m you’re best mate. I’ve always got your back. I’m always on your side.”
“One day, that might get you hurt. You’ve already been put in danger by me.”
“Alex, stop it. I can make my own decisions too. And I’ve decided to be your friend through thick and thin, for better or worse. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”
That actually got a chuckle out of Alex and Tom could see him relaxing.
“Thanks, Tom.” Alex smiled. “I needed that.”
“Eh, no biggie,” Tom waved his hand nonchalantly. “You just owe me a movie night.”
For some reason, Alex went into a full-blown fit of laughter at the statement. “Sure,” he gasped, gathering himself. “You’ve got it, Tom.”
Tom and Alex quickly got ready to sleep, and before Alex could protest, Tom pushed him into his bed and followed shortly after.
“Tom, what-“
“You’re sleeping here with me, don’t argue.”
Alex opened his mouth to protest but thought better. “Okay.”
Tom settled as quickly as he could, his back facing Alex to keep himself from thinking too deeply about what he had done. Alex likes Ayisha and he’s way too preoccupied to even try to deal with a crush from me. He screwed his eyes shut and tried to focus on sleeping, but every shuffle and shift from Alex made his heart rate rise. Stupid Alex being so oblivious to everything. It’s a miracle he’s even a decent spy.
Tom snapped out of his thoughts when he felt warm fingers brush his arm softly. Alex. Tom twisted and looked over at Alex, seeing the ambiguous outline of his face a short distance from his own. “What’s the matter?”
“Can I,” he tugged at the sleeve of Tom’s shirt, “can you come closer?”
A thousand different thoughts rushed through Tom’s head, but his mouth managed to move faster than he could think, “Yeah, sure.” And Tom shimmied closer to the middle of the bed until he felt Alex’s arms around him and Alex’s chest to his back, the faint beat of his heart.
A gentle pressure against Tom’s shoulder, the point of Alex’s nose too, and heat rushed to his face in realization. As quickly as it had happened, it was gone and Alex settled, murmuring a soft ‘goodnight’. Tom reciprocated, before carefully finding Alex's hand reaching over his waist and interlacing their fingers. He wasn’t sure what this meant, for him or for Alex, but at least he didn’t need to worry about losing him.