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“Hello there my dear listeners, you are officially On Air with R. Tonight, we have a special guest. Everyone give it up for Jehan Prouvaire!”
Jehan claps their hands a distance from the mic, and then laughs. “Seems a bit conceited to clap for myself. But, if nobody else is doing it, we should always clap for ourselves.”
“Wise words,” Grantaire says. “So Jehan, I will have you introduce the topic for this evening- as soon as we take our first caller.”
“Gucci,” Jehan says, and Grantaire laughs.
“Hey now, we hate elitist brands here, but we don’t have time to get into that- Hello there, listener, what say you?”
“Can you pass on a message for me to the guy who runs the political show?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. Whattaya want me to say?”
“I don’t see how he can say he cares about the people when he blatantly supports measures and ideology that would result directly in the loss of hundreds of jobs for honest, working citizens.”
“Mhm… these jobs, you say, they wouldn’t happen to be implicated in the destruction of, oh, I dunno, tons of scared land?”
“Well-”
Jehan starts giggling absurdly and Grantaire smirks at them as the caller starts talking about the economy and the importance of being fiscally conservative even when you support social issues.
“Mhmm. I see. Well. I will certainly pass that message on to Enjolras for you,” Grantaire says sagely, and then he motions to end the call as the caller is mid-word.
“Okay, so, like… Should I try to introduce the topic now? Or should we wait for Enjolras to call in with a rebuttal,” Jehan asks, voice genuine, and Grantaire hoots.
“I really don’t know if you’ll have enough time.”
“Y’know, I’ve been thinking…”
“Dangerous.”
“Always. Anyway, we seriously need to come up with a name for this segment.”
“When I have you on?”
“No, no, when an irritated caller comes with a take colder than Nunavut, and then Enjolras calls in all heated-like,” Jehan says, wiggling their brows and making Grantaire snort.
“Good point, we should have a name for that segment. Hmmm…”
“I’m thinking: Angering Enjolras.”
“Oh my God, that’s perfect.”
“Thank you- oh, hey, we got a caller!”
“Sweet. Let’s bring ‘em on the line… hello there.”
“No, absolutely not. This is not a ‘segment’. I am a listener like any other when I call in, acting separately from my role at this station. You know both the station and I need to approve of your bits before they go live,” Enjolras says, and Grantaire laughs over him.
“You need to approve of my bits?”
“Kinky.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Bit, segment, whatever the hell- it isn’t one.”
“Oh, it’s totally a segment,” Jehan says.
“No it is not!”
“But we did succeed in Angering Enjolras,” Grantaire waves a pen towards Jehan, and Jehan giggles.
“It is not a segment and it is certainly not being called Angering Enjolras, holy shit.”
“Ooh, swearing at me yet again? This is becoming very unprofessional, Enj.”
“I am not acting in my professional role! I’m just as free to call in as any other listener. This is not a bit.”
“Mmmhm. Anyway. I have a message for you, passed on from a dear friend of mine-”
“Do not repeat that bullshit to me, Grantaire. You know damn well…”
Grantaire pipes down as Enjolras launches into the rant they all predicted he would, and Grantaire replies with a flimsy argument based on what the caller originally said, something something ‘fiscally conservative’ which quickly has Enjolras fuming at him until both Grantaire and Jehan are cackling.
“Okay, okay,” Grantaire gasps, breathing in one last laugh. The laughing is funny, but too much won’t make for very good radio. “You win the very first official Angering Enjolras segment, Enj. I will get you next time, but for now, I’mma let you go, beau.”
“R, I swear to-”
Enjolras is cut off, and Grantaire waves his face. “Okay. Anyway.”
“Here’s wonderwall?” Jehan asks, a laugh still in their voice. They roll the song, and the two of them burst out laughing as soon as their mics are cut.
By the time they’re back on air, they’ve calmed down.
“So. Should I introduce the topic now?”
“Please.”
“Plant care for indoor plants! How to grow great green shit from inside. There are even some things you can grow some things in your closet. Now! Let me just get my tips sheet here,” they clear their throat.
“Oooh, I’m excited. Somehow my boyfriend and I can keep each other and our cat alive perfectly fine- Well… I’m not sure I could be considered “perfectly fine”, really, more like hanging on by a thread,” Grantaire muses.
“Oh I’d say you’re perfectly fiiine,” Jehan clicks their tongue and Grantaire snorts. “And! So would the boyf.”
“Psh, yeah right.”
Jehan shuffles their papers and laughs, “He would. Anyway, you were saying?”
“Oh, right. We have never managed to keep a plant alive, except the cactus you gave me like two years ago. I need the plant knowledge, baby, lay it on me.”
“That is what I am here for,” Jehan starts, and then they launch into their preliminary tips for keeping indoor plants alive, including some very specific tips for weed which are very thinly veiled as being for that purpose, but not outright said, despite the fact that weed is legal in their country.
They take two callers after that, folks with actual question about plants, and Jehan answers their questions before wishing them the best of luck with their greenery.
And then, it’s pushing 3:00am, so Grantaire clears his own throat one last time.
“And that is gonna do it for us. Thank you so much, Jehan, and thank you to all of our lovely callers tonight, I hope you all learned some great tips and tricks to grow a luscious indoor garden, and I wish you all the best for the rest of your morning. This has been On Air with R, and I’m Grantaire. Goodnight, Montreal.”
Later that night- or, morning, rather, Grantaire opens up his tumblr app to receive a post from Courfeyrac while Enjolras snores lightly beside him. He reads it, laughs, and then messages Courf back telling him to go the fuck to bed, although the message might have been sent hours ago.
muchasmad [Follow]
tbh… people who dont listen to On R live just don’t get it the same way. Like youre not getting the experience as its intended to be? The whole point of On R is, like, the surrealism and the fact that its done in the middle of the night, and R himself is an insomniac and a night owl and a weirdo, and its made for those of us who share that same experience.
grande-r [Follow]
Are you seriously gatekeeping who is and isn’t a “real” fan of an absurdist radio show? People who listen in the daytime are just as valid as people who don’t. like get off your high horse.
yellogoditsme [Follow]
Actually listening in the daytime isn’t valid. Sorry :/
grande-r [Follow]
are you fucking serious? Who cares when you listen to the show?? We’re all fans just the same. Give it up.
yellogoditsme [Follow]
Actually we’re not. people who listen to it live are real fans and people who don’t are fake fans. That’s just how it is.
grande-r [Follow]
Omg what is wrong with you? How does listening to it in the day make you a fake fan?? They post the backlogs for a reason, people can listen to it whenever they choose and still be fans. Plus theyre hosted in Canada and timezones exist like maybe someone is listening to it live but its not even nighttime?? This is such a stupid argument.
lemonadebabe [Follow]
Kay I didn’t want butt in but obviously yellogod is just joking dude.. like it’s a stupid joke but its fine.
yellogoditsme [Follow]
Okay but im actually not joking. If you listen to backlogs youre a fake fan
mostgecksellent
/touches the ground on this post/ dear god… what happened here?
459 notes
#OnR