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Xingqiu spilled his beans.
Xingqiu did not care.
He genuinely, genuinely did not care.
Okay, maybe a small part of him did, but do it for the meme, right? Maybe some person will get a hit tweet after this, perhaps a certain wolf boy who won’t stop howling at the full moon.
Chongyun passed the spilled beans.
Chongyun cared.
He genuinely, genuinely cared.
Okay, maybe a small part of him didn’t, but do it for the community, right? Maybe some person will avoid an accident, perhaps a certain unlucky guy who’s entire clothesline fell to the ground from the 7th floor, just one above him.
Sighing, he rummaged his bag for some tissue.
“Wait a minute.”
He wasn’t responsible for this. It was some other random guy’s beans! Why the hell would HE pick them up.
Instead, in a split second of whatever emotion you could feel when facing a pile of spilled beans splattered on the ground at the stairwell, he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a note.
“Your mom does NOT live here. Pick up after yourself. Shame on you!”
He made sure to sound extra karen-y so whoever spilled it would probably guess it was Professor Ningguang from the neighbouring college he was going to, because he didn’t think that any functioning adult would eat beans on the go other than college students that were tired of everything.
Xingqiu returned after his literature lessons, hands occupied by the overwhelming lesson notes Professor Venti decided to hand out in bulk instead of posting them online and making use of technology like the old man he is.
Next to his spilled bean this morning, there was a note in full glory.
“Shame on you!” He mocked it with a domineering voice, then doubled down laughing, all the tiredness from his arms slipping away immediately. Man, did he have to return the sentiment.
“It is I, the bean spiller,” he whispered out loud as he wrote the letter like a bean-er villain, “I’ll never learn to clean up my mess, nor will I ever cease my ways. Every two weeks I’ll spill more beans. You have been WARNED. ~The Bean Spiller”
He slapped it next to the mess with sticky tape and went on his merry way, humming as he ascended the flights of stairs.
Chongyun was outraged to find the note the next day, of course.
“That’s it, I’m tired of being nice.”
Whipping out a sharpie, he started scribbling, “I don’t know who you are and why you are doing this, but I will get your ass. Your reign of terror has been going on for far longer than I wish for it to be. I swear on the spirit of this poor victim of spilt bean that I will vanquish you. My vendetta is inevitable. Your ass is mine, bitch. ~The Guardian of The Stairwell”
“Playing fantasy, huh?” Chongyun growled as he slapped the note onto the gray, peeling walls, “Let’s see how you’re gonna act on a high horse for long.”
“NO WAY. BENNETT. BRO. HE REPLIED THE NOTE.”
Bennett groaned and took off his engineering goggles, “You act like a 14 year old with a first crush.”
“I’ve never met him, Benny, but IT’S HILARIOUS. THE GUARDIAN OF THE STAIRWELL. ON GOD IS THAT TACKY.”
“Your alias is literally The Bean Spiller.”
“Irrelevant. This time, I’m going to write such a paragraph that our resident goth queen Fischl will tremble before my wrath.”
“On god can I not wait for Xiao to kick you out. This is the only time I like the landlord, the rest is just Professor Venti helping us.”
“By loaning his dick?”
“Xingqiu I didn’t need to be reminded of our landlord and your professor’s gay bar sex life.”
“You act like you don’t go to gay bars with Razor.”
“You tag along.”
Xingqiu chose not to return that, only satisfying Bennett with a blush and turning to begin his masterpiece.
“My, my, getting bold are we? I created another universe, for I, the prince of destruction, have laid my hands upon this wretched place, and shall crush it with my mind’s eye and my faithful mixture from beautiful plants that sprouted from the ground and swore loyalty to complete my destiny. Shall you read this and burst into tears, you will have learnt the wrath of I, Bean Spiller!”
Chongyun came back storming, though when Razor looked up from his essay, he could swear his roommate was in hysterics.
“New reply?”
“Do you see this shit, Razor.”
“Yes I do see this shit, Chongyun.”
“He won't even take his damn beans! I'm going to punt him into the yakuza lair.”
“A close option is the Abyss. Or the Fatui.”
“Why do you know this much?”
“I'm their drug dealer,” Razor shrugged, speaking as if it was the most normal thing to ever come out of his mouth.
“What?”
“Nah I just have a few past yakuza friends overseas.”
“Never mind. I'm setting up a camera and when I see that bean spilling asshole, I'm going to kick their ass so hard that they would've wished they were never born.”
The next morning, Xingqiu appeared, not noticing the tiny camera that was spying on him. He spilled a bit more beans, then checked if the notes were refreshed. It felt like he was back in high school again, waiting for his note locker pal to update him on their day. He whipped out the small note he had in his pocket, blushing slightly, never forgetting his crush from the past. He didn't understand why the crush never went away, rather he felt that the day they'd finally learn of each other was close.
He didn't notice the same, loopy letters from the Guardian of the Stairwell, just matching his note.
“Bro you aight?” Razor tapped Chongyun on the shoulder. The boy was so frozen in spot, he didn't notice his minty blast ice pop melt onto his hands.
“He… He… What is this? Why is the Bean Spiller HOT. WHY IS HE ATTRACTIVE. THIS IS STUPID. THIS IS SO STUPID.”
“Huh?”
“I'm going to go pour paint at their house. I'm gonna search for them. I'm gonna pin them against the wall and choke them senseless.”
“Do the last part at a gay bar.”
“You recommend one, Bennett simp.”
“Shut up.”
In the dead of the night, a knock came from the door.
“Hey, Razor. You here? Honey? Bae? Sweet cheeks?”
“Aww, sweetie, Bennett, I'm here.”
Chongyun shouted, “GET OUT. I'M SINGLE.”
“I have Bean Spiller information though.”
“Razor stop eye fucking your boyfriend I need the information for my kill list.” Chongyun shoved Bennett into the house.
The house was dimly lit, only a small electric candle in the middle shone it's light through the apartment. Three mysterious boys in shades huddled around the table. It was so silent and still that a pin could easily pierce through the veils of secrecy with it's soft dropping sound.
“Agent Bennett, what's the report.”
“Agent Razor, Will you kiss me on the lips first.”
“GUYS I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE COOL!” Chongyun slapped the lights back on.
“It's my roommate. He likes baked goods. Do what you will with this information.”
With that, the two lovebirds returned to the room, leaving Chongyun to form a beautiful, flawless plan in his head.
Chongyun had taken his fair share of martial arts classes, and one cycle that really stuck to him. It was the Mastery of Silent Travelling. Sure, he couldn't teleport like Professors Keqing or Kaeya, but he did know a bit about sneaking around and stuff. Made it really easy to steal his essays back for a few changes.
“BENNETT YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKTARD.”
“What?” Bennett sighed. No way. Xingqiu could not have found out about him spilling his identity. No way. What was going to happen? Would he out him for breaking the coffee machine? Or whatever that device was that Professor Venti and the landlord left on their bed (It was a dildo)?
“MY TARTS. THEY’RE GONE.”
Oh never mind.
“I didn’t eat your tarts? Xingqiu NO ONE has touched our fridge. Plus, I don’t even like blueberries and cream.” He said, you know, like a liar.
“Who could it be? It couldn’t be you… There’s no way. This is terrible. I am writing a note. I hate it here. Why am I here, just to suffer? My tarts. They’re gone. What is this darkness?”
Bennett groaned, “Drama king.”
“Yeah thanks bestie.”
“To the person who stole my tarts (blueberry and cream). A big fuck you. Return them or I’ll punt you into the sun, dipshit.”
Bennett did the favour of passing the note to Chongyun that afternoon, causing the latter to lose his marbles.
“How much does he like his tarts?”
Bennett chuckled, “A lot, though I expect him to be full of murderous intent until I get him a tart, in which speaking of that, I have to do it before you see my dead body on the news headlines.”
“I’m going to pay for the tarts you need for pacifying him, I’m doing this more.”
Xingqiu was getting sick of his baked goods disappearing. Sure, Bennett picked up many goodies on the way back to the apartment, but the fact he never got to eat so much of his own hard work made him sour.
Today, he would bake a giant cake. He would put it in the fridge. And the next day, he would see it full.
Xingqiu worked hard on it, and in return of his efforts, the flour gods thanked him and the best cake he has ever seen.
“I will see you tommorow.” He demanded the cake as if it was a real, living, breathing person
Chongyun was fucked. He felt like an absolute asshole, his nose was bleeding, he got a black eye and he was pretty sure he twisted his ankle from that fall. His head spinned, he felt like he was ready to black out. Maybe there was blood pouring from his head too, he wasn’t sure.
So turns out the cake he set out to steal yesterday was something Xingqiu worked very hard on, and Bennett had warned Chongyun to not take it, for once. Chongyun didn’t listen. He was too trapped in the adrenaline and hell bent on revenge that he didn’t care at all.
And that was how he ended up with Bennett punching the hell out of him and pushing him off the stairs. Razor glared silently, not really wanting to help, then turned away.
He was an asshole. An absolute asshole.
“Hey, you alright?”
“Who are you?”
“Xingqiu. I don’t care what you did, I don’t care if you took the cake I worked so hard on. Are you okay?”
Chongyun’s breath hitched. Why was he helping him? Why didin’t he leave him alone to bleed here?
“I don’t know anymore. Physcially? It’s going to heal. Mentally? I don’t know. I’m such a terrible person… I don’t deserve your help at all…”
Xingqiu clicked his tongue, “I can bake another cake any time, but if you died right here, everyone would feel terrible. I wouldn’t want my roommate to be a murderer, would I? Plus, he shouldn’t have beat you up so hard. Jesus, how strong did Bennett get?”
A small drip of blood made it’s way towards a piece of paper. Chongyun reached his hand to grab it, only to flinch in pain. He didn’t know he hurt his arm too. Xingqiu managed to grab it first.
He gasped.
“You… You’re the locker penpal from high school? And The Guardian Of The Stairwell?”
“Locker… penpal…?”
Xingqiu whipped out his own note, and Chongyun looked closely at it.
It was indeed Chongyun’s handwriting.
“Oh my god… There’s no way… And I’ve been in love with you… for so… long…”
The bleeding and concussion finally took a toll on Chongyun as he collapsed with a thud.
“Huh?”
“So in conclusion you confessed before you passed out, and now I’m here to say yes.”
The atmosphere was weirdly easy for Chongyun, who was surrounded by the guy who landed him in this state, said guy’s boyfriend who was his roommate who refused to help, and the guy he liked since high school, who also pissed him off for weeks for spilling beans, and he also stole something so precious of said bean spiller.
Jeez, I give up on wondering if that thought has grammatical mistakes.
“Wow, nice. We’re dating now, I guess. Wanna kiss or something? Yeah Bennett, Razor, eat your faces out I’m here to eat mine too.”
Chongyun didn’t know how he got into such an adventure in his boring college life, but he got a boyfriend so… he guesses it ended well?