Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 14, 2017 14:32

Ren: good morning

Futaba: good morning

Akechi: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Ryuji: bro calm down

Ryuji: I know you’ve only been in the chat for a week but they sleep in this late all the time

Akechi: I was under the impression that Ren had to wake up to run the cafe.

Ren: me and boss alternate days now

Makoto: Wouldn’t it be better for your sleep schedule if you woke up at a consistent hour?

Ren: yes

Ren: next question

Ann: okay look I hate mornings as much as the next person

Ann: but you can get so much stuff done if you wake up early!

Futaba: lies

Futaba: anything i can do during the day i can do at night

Futaba: the internet never sleeps

Yusuke: I must agree with Ann. I would never be able to paint the people at Inokashira Park if I was only awake during the night.

Sumire: During the summer you have to exercise in the mornings to avoid the midday heat!

Haru: And if I hadn’t woken up early this morning, I’d never have gotten the board to sign the collective bargaining agreement!

Akechi: Finally, some people with common sense.

Akechi: Wait a minute.

Haru: What is it, Goro-kun?

Akechi: You’re the CEO of Okumura Foods.

Haru: Yes.

Akechi: And you were involved in collective bargaining…

Akechi: ...on the side of the workers.

Haru: Of course!

Akechi: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Sophia: There are no legal rules barring parts of company management for explicitly allying with union representatives during the middle of the negotiation process.

Makoto: Technically there—never mind.

Ryuji: lol

Ryuji: cockblocked again

Akechi: I appreciate the clarification, Sophia.

Akechi: However, I believe it is still accurate to say that what Haru is doing is… unconventional. And goes against the typical profit motives of business executives.

Haru: Thank you!

Akechi: ...I will fully admit I did not expect that response.

Ann: yeah you missed her explanation of her current business ethics in here by about a day or so

Ann: basically she hates the rich and is going to use her position exclusively to disrupt the status quo in favor of workers’ rights

Haru: The modern business landscape is a plague upon the world. I will do everything I can as CEO of Okumura Foods to return power from the rich to the workers.

Ryuji: she’s gonna fuck shit up!!!

Haru: Exactly :)

Akechi: ...Hm.

Akechi: Are you sure you aren’t going to get fired for this?

Haru: The union representatives have agreed to withhold labor if I’m removed from my position without the approval of the union.

Akechi: You thought of everything.

Haru: Me and Makoto spent a lot of time thinking about this!

Makoto: We fucking nailed it tbh.

Akechi: I see.

Akechi: Well then, I must applaud your efforts.

Sumire: Whoa :0

Ann: nice

Ryuji: pog

Futaba: akechi woke???

Akechi: How is this a surprise to all of you?

Akechi: Did you really think that after years of manipulating politics, the media, and the police in the service of a megalomaniacal politician

Akechi: Then watching his elaborately crafted plans fail because a group of high schoolers got an app on their phones from a girl in a blue dress

Akechi: That I would still think that the social and economic status quo is acceptable?

Ann: speak louder bitch!

Futaba: akechi woke!!!

Ren: actually we all got the nav from a giant metal god with like 11 arms

Akechi: I fail to see how that invalidates my point.

Ren: it doesn’t im just fucking with you

Akechi: I’m starting to regret accepting your invitation to join this group chat.

Akechi: Anyway, my congratulations to you, Haru.

Ren: that’s mean akechi :(

Ren: akechi?

Ren: fuck he’s gone

Futaba: F

Ann: couldn’t handle the burn

Makoto: Ren, did you invite Akechi to our group chat just to mess with him?

Ren: of course not

Ren: I invited him to this chat because he’s still recovering from basically dying twice, having his entire life ripped out from under him multiple times, and never having a single relationship that wasn’t sabotaged by either the external world or his own mistrust.

Ren: He’s been going to therapy and making a genuine life for himself, but recovering from things like that without supportive friends is difficult as hell, as I know from firsthand experience. And I figured we were as good a group as any.

Ann: aww

Sumire: You’re such a softie!

Ren: I also want to fuck with him

Ryuji: lmao

Haru: lmao

Makoto: ...I appreciate your honesty at least.

Ren: i’m the most honest person alive

Sophia: Honesty is not a metric that can be quantified, and therefore Ren’s statement is incorrect.

Ren: fuck

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 16, 2017 19:12:00

Ryuji: why do you think gramps is never in the group chat?

Makoto: Probably because you all call him “Gramps” instead of “Zenkichi.”

Ann: probably because he’s still tied up in all the legal stuff from the summer?

Ren: probably because akane is making him play among us

Futaba: sus

Ren: pay up futaba you said one of the meme words again

Futaba: damnit

Futaba: 1000 yen transferred to your bank account

Sumire: Why not just use LINE Pay?

Futaba: im not giving Ren any of my own money

Futaba: i scraped this all from billionaire bank accounts

Sumire: Holy shit I love my gf

Futaba: uwu

Sumire: <3

Zenkichi: The actual answer to your question, Ryuji, is that my smartphone is too old to support the group messaging app you’re using. I have to check on my laptop and I rarely have time during work.

Zenkichi: I make sure to hop on daily and read everything I missed, though.

Ann: oh that makes sense

Makoto: Thanks for letting us know, Zenkichi.

Futaba: gramps the money scraping thing was a joke i swear

Zenkichi: Even if it wasn’t a joke, I wouldn’t be able to find any evidence of it, would I?

Futaba: nope

Zenkichi: Then a joke it is.

Sophia: Actually, I am able to trace Futaba’s actions back to her. I believe I am the only sentient being or technological service capable of doing so.

Futaba: wait WHAT

Ryuji: oh shit

Sumire: I don’t want my girlfriend to go to jail (ó﹏ò,)

Futaba: how the fuck can you do that Sophia

Sophia: Ichinose has built upon the software package you made to expand my capabilities even further. I am now capable of monitoring any locations on the Internet that I choose, as well as most private networks within range of a wireless signal.

Makoto: Sounds like Ichinose is good at what she does.

Futaba: that’s incredible

Futaba: can you monitor everything at once or

Sophia: As a sentient being, my monitoring capabilities are limited by the digital equivalent of a human’s attention span. This “attention span” is much broader than most humans, however, so I am able to monitor around 10^6 operations at peak capacity.

Ryuji: this is going way over my head

Ann: same, futaba could you explain please???

Futaba: what about your read/write capabilities

Sophia: You mean my ability to modify systems?

Futaba: yes exactly

Ren: oh no

Sophia: I can interfere with any digital operations performed on an Internet-connected device in real time and have the ability to break most commonly-used encryption systems.

Futaba: holy shit

Futaba: HOLY SHIT

Sumire: Are you okay, Taba?

Futaba: I am more than okay

Futaba: Sophia dm me privately please

Sophia: Will do!

Zenkichi: Oh no.

Ann: should we try to stop her

Ren: too late

November 16, 2017 20:14

Yusuke: Could someone attempt to reach out to Futaba for Haru and me?

Haru: We usually start watching anime over video call around now, but she hasn’t been responding to our messages.

Ryuji: yeah about that

Ren: she’s a little occupied

Yusuke: With what?

Yusuke: Oh.

Haru: Oh dear.

November 16, 2017 22:41

Ann: when do we think the ball’s gonna drop

Ren: not sure

Ren: she won’t stop until she’s done

Ren: although it’s already been a few hours

Ren: so whatever she’s doing must be big if it’s taking both her and Sophia this long

Sophia: We should be completed shortly.

Ren: speak of the devil

Sophia: Just to clarify Akira. You are using a common figure of speech, and not referring to me as the spawn of Satan, correct?

Ren: ...yes

Sumire: What exactly are you and Futaba doing, Sophie?

Sophia: It’s a surprise :)

Ann: oh my god she’s using emoticons

Yusuke: She’s been corrupted.

Ren: sophia was an impostor

Futaba: amogus

Ren: another 1000 yen in the bank account

Futaba: FUCK YOU

Ryuji: damn ren you’re good at this

Makoto: Futaba, please tell us that you won’t get arrested.

Futaba: okay first off sorry to yusuke and haru for missing anime night

Yusuke: No worries.

Haru: I’ll find another date that works for all of us :)

Futaba: u2 r the best <3

Futaba: and no makoto i won’t get arrested

Futaba: in fact i would say that i have done the entire world a service

Makoto: Oh no.

Ryuji: what the fuck did you do

Futaba: you’ll find out by the end of the work day in austin tx :)

Ren: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO

November 17, 2017 06:29

Sumire: Okay, so it’s about 4:30 PM in Austin, Texas.

Ren: im refreshing american news sites but nothing new is popping up

Akechi: Finally you’re awake for once.

Ren: don’t think this is going to become a usual thing akechi

Ren: it’s an emergency

Akechi: What kind of emergency?

Ren: Alibaba.

Akechi: Ah.

Futaba: excuse me it’s not alibaba anymore

Futaba: soph and i will be going by the hacker name Raijin from this point forward

Sumire: Like the god of thunder?

Futaba: yeah exactly

Sophia: Strike hard, make some noise, and disappear in a flash!

Sumire: Ooh, exciting!

Ren: still haven’t told us what you did

Futaba: look it’s not my fault it’s taking so long for the news to get out

Futaba: it’s his fault

Akechi: His?

Futaba: he should have talked about it by now

Futaba: oh there we go

Futaba: check twitter

Ren: let me guess, someone on the potential future targets list

Sophia: Yep!

Akechi: You keep a list of potential marks?

Ren: every day I wake up and think about how many fucks out there would have palaces if the metaverse was still around

Ren: I am not gonna let lavenza slip through my fingers again

Akechi: Well, I appreciate the venom in your mentality.

Ren: anyway I’ve got twitter open

Ren: let’s see

Ren: LMAO

Ren: futaba I’m choking

Ren: you’re the best sister ever

Futaba: uwu

Sumire: What did she do?

Ren sent a picture

Akechi: Holy shit.

Ren: fucking genius

Sophia: RAIJIN STRIKES!

Futaba: this is what elon musk gets for being on the bird app too much

Sumire: Taba I love you

Akechi: I am going to watch the world end because of this group chat.

Futaba: <3

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 18, 2017 13:44

Ryuji: y’all ever just wake up and think about ramen

Ann: no?

Yusuke: I do find myself thinking of food in the mornings, but not specifically ramen.

Sumire: Every single day, Ryuji.

Sumire: Every single day.

Ryuji: *high fives you*

Sumire: ＼(＾▽＾)／

Ryuji: today it’s the ramen Ren made in Osaka

Ryuji: who knew that twink could cook

Akechi: I’m sorry, did you just call the leader of the Phantom Thieves a twink?

Ryuji: well duh he is one

Ann: get with the program twink

Ryuji: asjhdljahsdlfjah

Akechi: I am not a twink. I am far too muscular to be a twink.

Futaba: wtf

Ann: I’m SORRY?????

Sumire: I can confirm. I went jogging with Akechi-senpai a few days ago, and he has very well-defined musculature.

Ryuji: bro

Yusuke: This is quite the unexpected development.

Akechi: I am not going to model for you, Kitagawa.

Yusuke: fcuk

Futaba: LMAO

Akechi: Sakamoto bringing up Osaka does remind me of something, however.

Akechi: I am aware of a vague outline of what occurred during your summer road trip, and also experienced the merging of the Metaverse and reality to some extent.

Akechi: However, I am missing out on most of the details. Especially regarding the involvement of Sophia and Zenkichi.

Ann: ohhhhhh yeah I guess we never explained that to you

Ryuji: we gotcha covered

Sumire: I’d like to hear a thorough explanation as well. Although shouldn’t we wait until Ren and the others are online?

Futaba: yeah they’re probably all busy being working adults or something lame

Ann: 7 pm work for everyone?

Ryuji: y

Futaba: I’ll let everyone know

Akechi: Thank you, Sakura.

November 18, 2017 19:11

Ren: alright roll call bitches

Futaba: here

Makoto: Present.

Haru: Here!

Yusuke: Hello everyone.

Ryuji: heya

Ann: hey :)

Sumire: Hello!

Sophia: Here as always.

Zenkichi: What’s up?

Ren: that’s everyone

Akechi: Wonderful.

Ren: all right I’ll get started

Ren: so imagine Mark Zuckerberg got lonely and made himself a daughter

Ren: and then also made the Antichrist

Akechi: ...Nothing is simple with all of you, is it.

Sumire: Who’s Mark Zuckerberg?

Makoto: Ren is joking, Sumire. “Zuckerberg” is Kuon Ichinose, the creator of Sophia and EMMA.

Ren: and then Mark sold the Antichrist to Jack Ma

Ren: who stole Futaba’s mom’s research to let it steal people’s hearts

Akechi: That sounds problematic.

Ryuji: hell yeah it was

Sophia: Agreed!

Ryuji: if you friended the wrong person on EMMA you got sucked into the metaverse and had your desires stolen

Makoto: It had been happening for months by the time we found out about it. Ren, Ryuji, and Morgana were forced into Alice Hiiragi’s Jail and barely managed to escape.

Akechi: Jail?

Ren: imagine yaldabaoth hand-crafted all the palaces and had a poor sense of aesthetics

Akechi: Understood.

Makoto: Most of the Jails were set up by Akira Konoe, the former CEO of Madicce. He was planning to use EMMA to relieve the masses from harmful desires—or in his view, all of them.

Ann: Iron Man-looking motherfucker

Haru: He was being manipulated by EMMA the whole time, of course.

Akechi: So you traveled around Japan to find these “Jails” and eventually caught on to the bigger plan that EMMA had?

Futaba: yeah basically

Ryuji: we also ate a fuckton of food

Yusuke: That was the best part of the trip for certain.

Akechi: If the food was the best part, I hesitate to ask what the worst part is.

Ann: probably nearly getting our desires stolen by gramps’ daughter

Akechi: ...What?

Zenkichi: I negotiated a deal with the Thieves as a PubSec officer after they changed Alice Hiiragi’s heart. I wouldn’t arrest them, and in return they would find the true culprit.

Zenkichi: EMMA took advantage of the arrangement and used my daughter as leverage to lure everyone into a trap.

Makoto: Akane was forcibly made into a Monarch of a Jail by the CEO of Madicce.

Akechi: I’m starting to hate this Konoe guy.

Futaba: fucking same

Ryuji: it got gramps a persona though so that’s pretty hype

Haru: Hence his addition to the Thieves group chat.

Ren: oh that reminds me

Ren: I have a question for gramps

Zenkichi: Yeah, kid?

Ren: why the fuck is your persona from a musical

Ann: wait WHAT

Ann: GRAMPS HAS A SINGING PERSONA???

Zenkichi: That’s… not how it works.

Yusuke: Have you not seen Les Misérables, Ann?

Ryuji: less miserable what now?

Haru: Do I need to buy everyone tickets?

Sophia: There is currently a performance of Les Miserables at the Imperial Theater running until December 12.

Haru: Alright, tickets it is!

Makoto: Oh god not again.

Ryuji: how many musicals has haru made you watch makoto?

Makoto: Three in the last week alone.

Futaba: ouch

Haru: Do you not like them, Mako-chan?

Makoto: No, I do like them, it’s just… a bit much sometimes.

Haru: I’ll make sure we don’t watch any until we go this see one, alright?

Makoto: Thanks, dear.

Ann: gay

Makoto: asjdhlajksdfh

Ryuji: come on makoto it can’t be that bad

Ryuji: not nearly as bad as sleeping with three other dudes in a small tent anyway

Akechi: Another road trip thing?

Ren: yeah boss managed to hook us up with a lit camper to ride around Japan in

Ren: but it wasn’t quite made for eight people, a cat, and an AI

Sophia: I didn’t take up any space, though!

Ryuji: you kept waking everyone in the tent and asking ren what the memes on his phone meant

Futaba: apsopaoiseasdfljdsf

Sophia: Oh, did I disturb all of you when doing that? I’m so sorry!

Sophia: They were truly confusing images, though.

Sophia: I’ve been connected to the Internet for months now and I still don’t understand some of them.

Yusuke: Even the world’s most advanced AI can’t understand doge. The human mind is truly amazing.

Akechi: What is “doge”?

Ann: oh my god akechi doesn’t know doge?

Makoto: Even I know doge.

Sumire: Futaba taught me all about the cute dog!

Ren: I think we know what we have to do, everyone

Futaba: spam akechi’s phone with doge memes?

Ren: bingo

Haru: Ooh, count me in!

Akechi: Could we not?

Zenkichi: What the hell are you kids talking about?

Futaba: shut up gramps too busy sending memes to akechi

Akechi’s Phone

You have 6 new text messages.

You have 18 new text messages.

PHANTOM WEEBS

Akechi: This isn’t funny.

Akechi’s Phone

You have 41 new text messages.

You have 533 new text messages.

You have 16522 new text messages.

You have 38(*#@

PHANTOM WEEBS

Ren: okay he should be educated now we can stop

Ryuji: and he thought we had nothing to teach him

Haru: Tell us your favorite one, Goro-kun?

Ren: akechi?

Ren: akechi?

Ren: I thought he had thicker skin than this

Futaba: actually his phone crashed

Ann: lol

Futaba: there’s no way texts should’ve crashed it, notifications are buffered to prevent this

Futaba: wait what the fuck

Futaba: Sophia.

Sophia: Yes, Futaba?

Futaba: Why did you send Akechi over 100,000 images?

Ryuji: the HELL?!

Sophia: I thought Akechi would learn about the meme more effectively if he had access to its entire history. So I sent him all the images I could find, sorted by chronological order.

Ren: lol

Futaba: Sophia, you’re the only person who can process that much information. And also Akechi’s phone is too small to handle that much data at once. You may have bricked it temporarily.

Sophia: Oh no, I’m sorry! I’ll stop sending the images I had queued up and fix his phone as soon as I can.

Ryuji: lmao get rekt

Ann: akechi fucking dies

Makoto: Should we try to explain more of the summer trip to him once he gets back online?

Haru: I think we covered the gist of it.

Ren: yeah we mentioned everything major except for the Monarchs having significant personal trauma used against them, but I’ll tell him that later

Ren: also Makoto and Haru kissing and Ryuji and Ann hooking up that one night ig [message deleted]

Makoto: I think discussing that is… unnecessary.

Ann: WE DON’T NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT

Haru: Oh come on, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!

Ryuji: hey shorty can you delete messages from chat

Sophia: I think so.

Ryuji: delete the one ren just sent

Sophia: Done!

Ren: wow fuck you ryuji

Ren: (and a small, sad “how could you do this to me” for sophia)

Sophia: That’s mean :0

Ren: deal with it

Sumire: Wow, this chat gets really scary when everyone is here.

Sumire: Should we implement something to prevent things from getting too hectic?

Ann: no

Haru: no <3

Futaba: hell no

Ryuji: naw

Yusuke: My artistic sensibilities thrive when fed chaos.

Ren: the phantom thieves cannot be bound by mortal chains

Ren: anyway morgana needs sushi gtg

Futaba: lol

Zenkichi: lol

Ann: omg gramps said his first lol

Zenkichi: Don’t make me regret it. And it’s Zenkichi.

Ann: sorry gramps

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 8, 2017 16:33

Ren: hey y’all

Ren: make sure you’re sitting down

Ryuji: ???

Makoto: What are you planning, Ren?

Ann: please don’t send us another picture of Morgana drenched in iced coffee

Ren: dammit

Sumire: How mean!

Ren: look it’s not my fault he keeps jumping on the counter and knocking stuff over

Ren: he won’t listen to me or boss

Haru: I’ll come and give him another talking to!

Ren: thanks bb

Haru: <3

Ren: anyway I had two important announcements for today

Ren: and you will not be able to steal the thunder from the other one

Futaba: bro you are overdramatic about the smallest things

Futaba: you probably just won the capsule game in Akihabara for once

Ren: sis if I won the capsule game you’d be the first to know

Ren: anyway I’m done letting y’all roast me

Ren: hope you’re ready

Ren Amamiya added Goro Akechi to the chat

Akechi: Hello there.

Ann: ?????

Sumire: ?????

Ryuji: holy shit

Futaba: general akechi!

Akechi: I don’t know what that means, Sakura.

Makoto: Ren what the hell is this.

Makoto: I thought Akechi was dead.

Akechi: I am very much alive, thank you.

Ryuji: come on ren we all know you're just faking this with a second phone

Ren: do you really think im capable of typing with proper punctuation

Ryuji: shit he’s right

Ryuji: THIEVES ALERT AKECHI IS BACK

Akechi: That’s what convinced you? Really?

Akechi: I was ready to present legal documents proving my identity, but apparently that was unnecessary.

Makoto: What the fuck Ren.

Makoto: Did you really just drop Akechi into this group chat? Without warning any of us?

Makoto: Did you even think about how Haru and Futaba would feel about this?

Ren: calm down makoto

Makoto: Excuse me?

Ryuji: did ren just tell makoto to calm down

Ann: he’s so fucking dead

Ren: i asked both of them ahead of time if it was okay to add akechi in here

Makoto: Futaba and Haru, please confirm.

Futaba: yup i was just pretending to not know

Haru: I can confirm as well. I think Akechi deserves our trust after his assistance with Maruki’s Palace.

Makoto: Hm.

Makoto: Well, if those two are okay with it, then I suppose there’s not a major reason to leave Akechi out.

Makoto: I would still have appreciated you communicating this to the rest of us in a less dramatic manner.

Ren: makoto I have been living the most boring life since I escaped from my hometown

Ren: I’ve made so much coffee that I can do it without thinking now

Ren: haven’t had anyone to backflip over in months

Ren: please allow me to have these small pleasures

Yusuke: Last week Ren was so bored he asked me to paint him.

Yusuke: I refused. He was too overcome with ennui to be a fitting subject.

Ren: see what I mean?

Ren: nobody likes me :(

Makoto: We’ll talk about this later.

Ann: you’re dead ren

Sumire: RIP Amamiya Ren 1999-2017

Akechi: I would like to remind everyone that I am in the group chat now.

Sumire: Upset that Ren is getting all the attention?

Akechi: That’s not what I meant.

Ryuji: lol

Ann: lonely akechi

Futaba: lonely akechi

Sophia: Lonely Akechi!

Akechi: I hate all of you and I don’t even know some of you yet.

Akechi: I was going to say that I am open to questions if anyone is curious about why I’m alive.

Ryuji: okay yeah fair

Sumire: How are you alive, Akechi-senpai?

Akechi: Lavenza and Igor took it upon themselves to review my situation after the defeat of the doctor.

Akechi: Upon a review of the circumstances, they decided that I deserved a third chance at life.

Akechi: A gift I did not ask for, but nevertheless appreciate.

Akechi: I returned to the real world in April and was a ward of the state until last week, when I was released with the approval of the elder Niijima sister.

Ryuji: dang you lucked out bro

Makoto: Wait, Sae knew about this for months and didn’t tell me?

Makoto: You’re kidding.

Akechi: I do not believe she told anyone about my situation before she contacted Amamiya this week.

Sumire: Is Makoto going to punch someone again?

Makoto: Two people on the list so far.

Ren: oh no

Haru: Mako-chan, no!

Ann: mako-chan yes!

Futaba: anyway back on topic

Futaba: any weird side effects from returning to the land of the living?

Akechi: Side effects?

Futaba: yeah like are you a zombie now

Ryuji: or maybe a vampire???

Ann: or like one of those creepy japanese ghosts

Akechi: I don’t think any of you understand how the Velvet Room works.

Ren: i don’t think you understand how the velvet room works

Akechi: I don’t think you understand either, Amamiya.

Ren: fuck you

Akechi: Fuck me yourself you coward.

Haru: Oh dear!

Futaba: hey there are kids here

Ren: fine then goro im coming over

Ryuji: skskskskskskskskskksks

Ann: I’M MUTING THIS CHAT

November 8, 2017 18:04

Zenkichi: Hey kids, I heard something interesting down the grapevine about a former accomplice of yours.

Futaba: check chat gramps

Zenkichi: Oh. I see you’ve already been informed.

Haru: The greatest minds in PubSec, rendered useless by a teenager yet again.

Futaba: lol

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 20, 2017 21:41

Ryuji: hey bitches!!!

Ryuji: do you know what tomorrow is???

Ryuji: HANGOUT DAY!!!

Sumire: Heck yeah!

Ann: let’s fucking GOOOOOO

Futaba: WOOOOOOOO

Makoto: I’m very excited too.

Haru: As am I!

Akechi: Excuse me, I don’t think I’ve been informed about this tradition of yours yet.

Ren: we mentioned it last week but you mightve been busy that day

Ren: every few sundays we make sure we spend a few hours hanging out with people on the team we aren’t dating

Ren: that way all our bonds stay strong and nobody gets left out

Akechi: Your choice of words implies that there is a lot of dating going on.

Ryuji: hell yeah, lotsa dating going on in the Phantom Thieves

Ann: Futaba and Sumire, Makoto and Haru…

Ren: ryuji and ann, ryuji and me… [message removed]

Ryuji: Sophia delete that last mesage

Sophia: Done!

Ren: goddamnit

Akechi: I still saw the message, Sakamoto.

Ryuji: shit

Ren: anyway it’s not like it’s that hard to arrange

Ren: i used to make the groups with tarot readings but then morgana destroyed my deck and everyone made groups just fine without it

Ren: turns out we all like each other

Akechi: I don’t like all of you. Yet.

Ren: yet?

Akechi: I’ve learned to accept that my mentality may change over time.

Sumire: Character growth from Senpai (*´▽`*)

Akechi: Don’t push it, Yoshizawa.

Sumire: (*μ_μ)

Ren: anyway we definitely should’ve let you know about this earlier, my bad

Ren: our groups are mostly formed already

Ann: Makoto and I are going shopping!

Ryuji: I’m playin’ smash bros with futaba and sumi

Haru: Tomorrow I’m cooking with Ren and Morgana :)

Akechi: So that leaves… me and Kitagawa.

Ren: yup

Yusuke: I was unsure of my availability this weekend, and by the time my plans solidified everyone had already coalesced into groups.

Ann: good thing you showed up Akechi!

Akechi: I suppose it’s convenient. Kitagawa should be an interesting conversation partner, at least.

Akechi: Did you have any thoughts about what you’d like to do, Kitagawa?

Yusuke: I was thinking about a trip to the aquarium in Edogawa. I haven’t had the chance to sketch aquatic life for some time now.

Akechi: The Sea Life Park? I’m familiar.

Akechi: That seems like a good enough arrangement. I’ve always had an interest in aquariums.

Ren: glad it’s working out

Futaba: pro tip for akechi: bring snacks

Futaba: when yusuke says he’s going to sketch you should expect to be there for a while

Yusuke: I have been known to lose track of time when absorbed in my art.

Akechi: Sakura, I have snuck food into every movie theater I have ever attended. I assure you that I am always carrying snacks on me.

Ann: holy shit you do that?

Ann: I can never get myself to, it’s too terrifying

Akechi: The only thing terrifying about it is low-wage workers who have far better things to do than inspect your purse.

Ann: okay but like people can be scary!!!

Futaba: damn straight

Ann: I’m not straight tho?

Ren: anyway make sure y’all get sleep tonight, don’t wanna mess up hangout day for everyone else

Ryuji: will do cap!

Ren: ryuji you’re the captain you have a pirate persona

Ryuji: oh yeah

Ryuji: Captain Ryuji’s orders, everyone go to sleep or else

Sophia: What if I can’t sleep, though?

Ryuji: huh good point

Ryuji: pretend you’re closing your eyes for a while?

Sophia: Can do, Captain!

Ryuji: nice one Captain Ryuji

Akechi: Did you mean to post that here, Sakamoto?

Ryuji: SHIT

November 21, 2017 12:33

Ren: everyone get together without any problems?

Ann: all good here!

Ryuji: totally wiping the floor with sumi and futaba

Futaba: ryuji you haven’t even won a single game yet

Ren: alright me and haru are good too

Ren: morgana says hi

Sophia: Hi Morgana!

Ren: that leaves yusuke and akechi?

Akechi: Checking in. We’re at the aquarium.

Akechi: Kitagawa appears to have made a beeline for the crustaceans.

Ryuji: yeah that boy would die for lobsters

Akechi: I did not know this.

Futaba: lol (love our lobsters)

Akechi: I’ll stay with him for a while, but if he doesn’t move after a half hour, I will probably explore the aquarium by myself.

Ren: yeah np he probably won’t notice

Ren: just make sure he doesn’t try to jump in the tank

Akechi: Seriously?

Ren: I mean I doubt he’ll actually do it

Ren: but he did mention that he really wanted to once

Ren: something about getting the full experience

Akechi: I see.

Akechi: I will try to keep him in check.

Ren: thanks sweetie <3

Akechi: Don’t push it, Amamiya.

Ren: (*μ_μ)

Sumire: KAOMOJI THIEF

Makoto’s Phone

November 21, 2017 16:03

Makoto: You think Akechi and Yusuke are doing alright? They haven’t messaged in chat for a while.

Ren: I mean I’d assume that akechi would let us know if something went wrong

Ren: he loves throwing his little pissy fits

Makoto: Fair point.

Ren: actually I bet akechi is having the time of his life

Ren: he meant to go look at all the exhibits but yusuke’s commentary on the movements of the crustaceans has engrossed him

Ren: they’re best lobster buds by now

Makoto: I highly doubt that will be the case.

Ren: ill bet you 1000 yen

Makoto: Rich person money?

Ren: obviously

Makoto: Deal. Haru just gave me access to her bank account.

Ren: nice

Makoto: One more question, though.

Makoto: Are you and Akechi actually physically intimate with each other?

Ren: hell no

Ren: why would you think that

Makoto: You literally said you were going to go fuck him in the group chat.

Ren: makoto you need to learn to read sarcasm over text

Ren: I have no interest in touching his toned calves

Ren: caressing his smooth chest and well-defined abs

Ren: kissing his resting bitch face

Makoto: If you want me to understand sarcasm over text, then you should make your messages less obtuse.

Ren: no :)

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 21, 2017 18:06

Ryuji: good stuff futaba and sumi, y’all kicked my ass

Futaba: glad you’re willing to admit it noob

Sumire: You did take a game or two by the end of it, though!

Haru: Glad you three had fun! I made some delicious beef stroganoff with Ren and Morgana.

Ren: you know it from anime and manga :)

Ann: how does Morgana help with cooking anyway?

Ren: he’s the official taste-tester

Ren: also his paws are surprisingly deft with a knife so he helps with prep

Ann: that sounds terrifying

Ren: nah the guests at leblanc love it

Haru: I hope you and Mako-chan had a good time, Ann.

Makoto: We did!

Ann: Makoto got this great leather jacket and I found an amazing pair of jeans and a new dessert place!

Zenkichi: Sounds like you kids had fun. Sorry I can’t join in from Kyoto, but here’s a picture of me and Akane at the park from earlier today.

Zenkichi sent an image

Sumire: She looks so happy!

Makoto: Say hello to her for me.

Sophia: And for me!

Ryuji: hey what about yusuke and akechi

Yusuke: Apologies for the late update. We are leaving the aquarium now.

Ann: wait you were at the aquarium for five hours???

Yusuke: I was able to complete several satisfying sketches of various marine animals.

Futaba: oh my god is akechi dead

Akechi: Not at all. In fact, I had a great time.

Akechi: There is a certain elegance about the form of the crustacean that I had not appreciated until today. Especially their chitinous shells.

Makoto: Wait, what?

Yusuke: Goro and I had a rousing discussion about the origins and beauty of aquatic life.

Akechi: Indeed. I truly enjoyed my time with you, Yusuke.

Ryuji: didn’t see that coming

Ren: lol called it

Ren: pay up niijima

Makoto: How the hell do you do this.

Ren: im a genius that’s how

Sumire: Never gamble with Senpai, Makoto!

Futaba: you’ll always lose XD

Makoto: I’m starting to realize that.

Akechi: Amamiya, are you telling me that you made a bet with Niijima involving my trip to the aquarium?

Ren: specifically that you would become best lobster buds with yusuke

Yusuke: We did indeed become crustacean companions. We bought matching lobster keychains in the gift shop.

Yusuke sent an image

Haru: OMG both of you showed your keychains in the same picture!

Ann: their hands are touching!!!

Sumire: Best lobster buds (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Akechi: I am never going to live this down, am I.

Ryuji: nope!

Akechi: I hate all of you.

Ren: love you too akechi <3

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 23, 2017 16:33

Ann: alright everyone I need help taking a bitch down a peg

Ren: what did Ryuji do this time?

Futaba: ajshdfajsdhfla

Ryuji: I didn’t do anything!!!

Makoto: Can we at least let Ann name the bitch first?

Ryuji: it better not be the one waiter that always messes up your crepe order

Ann: please I blame those problems on the corporate structure, not the individual

Ann: I’m not that petty

Ann: okay I used to be that petty but I’ve grown a lot as a person

Ann: anyway it’s a model who is an absolute asshat

Ren: what kind of asshat are we talking here

Ann: transphobic asshat

Ryuji: oh shit where’s my bat

Yusuke: I think you left it in my studio after our last art project.

Yusuke: I’ll bring it right over to you.

Ryuji: luv u bro

Haru: Please explain her misdeeds so that we know how much pain we need to inflict upon her.

Akechi: Are we always this willing to inflict pain on others?

Ann: are you saying transphobes don’t deserve to get hands

Akechi: Oh, they assuredly do. I just want to make sure our violence is focused on an appropriate target, not on crepe preparers.

Ann: that was ONE TIME

Ann: anyway

Ann: bitch is named Tamaki Kohana

Ann: we did a shoot together a few months ago and when she learned I was working with a modeling agency that employs trans models she LAUGHED

Futaba: what a bitch

Ann: RIGHT????

Ann: I challenged her on it and she said that she didn’t care about their choices she just didn’t think they should get opportunities just because they’re trans

Ryuji: NEED THE BAT YUSUKE

Sumire: GET THE BAT! GET THE BAT!

Ann: hold on don’t kill her yet

Ann: we have a unique opportunity

Ann: a magazine is doing a model popularity contest on their website, winner gets a photo shoot for their next issue

Ann: and the finals are between me and her

Sumire: Oh that’s high stakes :0

Ann: I want to win, but I don’t want to play dirty

Ann: I’m better than that and so are the Phantom Thieves!

Makoto: Damn straight.

Ann: I’m not straight tho???

Haru: What do you think we should do, Ann?

Ann: well it’s a popularity contest, one person one vote

Ann: so we just need to raise awareness about how much of a pain this lady is

Akechi: I do worry that your attempts to raise awareness about her transphobia will be seen as a brazen attempt to influence the vote. Especially if the only evidence of bigotry is your personal experience.

Ann: I won’t share anything on my personal social media don’t worry

Ann: and trust me I have evidence

Ann: I checked her twitter and insta

Yusuke: How the mighty fall with a single post.

Ren: alright then we’re doing this

Ren: let’s get people mobilized on the Phan-site

Ren: contact Akane about it too

Haru: We should make sure nobody takes things too far and sends the model death threats, though.

Ann: yeah agreed

Ann: I don’t want her to get hurt, just want her to learn her lesson

Futaba: Raijin has you covered, we’ll delete any gross stuff before it gets posted/sent

Ann: ooh perfect!

Ann: who wants to write the message on the phan-site?

Ren: let me see if Mishima wants to do it, she hasn’t been able to do anything major for us in a while

Ren: might be a bit of a sensitive topic for her tho

Haru: Oh, that’s a fair point.

Haru: I can do it if she doesn’t want to!

Ryuji: no offense haru but if you wrote the message it might end up being too nice

Haru: I’m very good at being vicious, thank you!

Ryuji: yeah but like, you’re vicious in a nice way

Ryuji: every time you threaten me I want to hug you

Makoto: I can write the message if Mishima says no and Haru is seen as a bad choice.

Futaba: so makoto agrees with ryuji then

Makoto: I resent that implication.

Haru: My girlfriend loves me and knows how threatening I can be!

Ren: anyway if you’re done kissing I’ll let mishima know

Ann: sksksksksksksksksk

Yuki Mishima’s Phone

November 23, 2017 16:54

Ren: hey yuki you got a sec? wanted to ask a favor about the Phan-site

Yuki: oh yeah what’s up Ren?

Ren: so ann is stuck in a popularity contest against a bitch

Ren: like an actual bitch, not a messing-up-crepes kinda bitch

Ren: and we were thinking about using the Phan-site to spread awareness

Yuki: I’m not immediately opposed, but I don’t want the website to become a place for the thieves to fight petty battles either

Ren: I feel ya but I swear this isn’t petty

Ren: she’s transphobic as fuck

Yuki: I see

Ren: phantom thieves always say trans rights and we wanna use our platform for good

Ren: futaba will keep anyone from posting toxic stuff

Ren: still your call tho, it’s your Phan-site and all

Yuki: ...based on that information I think that sounds just fine

Ren: gotcha

Ren: we were also wondering if you wanted to write the message

Ren: you haven’t gotten to do anything major in a while for the thieves so it seemed like a good opportunity

Ren: but also I know this is a personal issue you might not want to talk about

Yuki: I appreciate the concern Ren, but I think I can handle it

Yuki: No, I should handle it. I’m going to stand strong for who I am no matter what. This is just one part of that.

Ren: proud of you yuki

Ren: can you have it done by tonight?

Yuki: will do

Ren: thanks again

Yuki: np

Phan-site Forum

November 23, 2017

Pinned Thread

Hey everyone, it’s the admin here! Hope you’re all having a good day.

I got a special request from the Phantom Thieves earlier. (They’re doing well and say hello!) To get into the details, there’s a certain model named Tamaki Kohana who’s been rising in the modeling world. However, she’s also posted openly bigoted comments towards the LGBTQ+ community on her social media.

Currently Kohana is in the finals of an online popularity contest with a money reward against another model, Ann Takamaki. Normally the Phantom Thieves would steal Kohana’s heart, but their current methods of justice are unavailable to them at the moment. In place of direct action, the Thieves would like Takamaki-san to win the popularity contest to show support for the queer people in Japan and the whole world. This isn’t just a petty thing—real people are being harmed by prejudice in society every day. As a way of showing solidarity, Takamaki has promised the Thieves that she will donate any winnings from the contest, as well as a portion of all future earnings from her modeling career, to a charity supporting queer people throughout Japan.

Now, the Phantom Thieves don’t play mean, and neither will we. If you try to post rude comments or threats about Kohana anywhere on the Internet, the Thieves will delete any of them. (They have their methods.) Repeated violations might result in other, unspoken consequences.

I appreciate anything that you’re willing to do to support the Thieves and the Phan-site. This is something that I care about deeply, as I’m a transgender woman myself. You can find a link to the popularity contest here. Let’s play fair and show the world what the Phantom Thieves really stand for.

--ADMIN

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 26, 2017 17:01

Ann: votes are in and I won the contest by 30%!!!!!

Ryuji: HELL YEAH

Futaba: LET’S FUCKING GO

Makoto: Congratulations, everyone. This was a group effort and I’m glad it went off without a hitch.

Haru: We should do something for Yuki to express our gratitude.

Ann: absolutely

Ann: her post on the phan-site was fucking beautiful

Yusuke: It makes me miss the time we spent as a team perfecting our calling cards.

Ren: i'll put together something for yuki

Ren: also shoutout to akechi for reposting yuki’s message on his food blog

Akechi: You’re welcome.

Futaba: wow he didn’t respond with an insult this time

Sumire: Character growth again :0

Akechi: I would have responded with an insult, but for Mishima’s sake, I will not ruin the moment.

Ren: PANCAKE PARTY AT LEBLANC THIS WEEKEND

Ren: YUKI AND GORO ARE INVITED

Sophia: Yay, pancakes!

Akechi: ...Good night, everyone.

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 27, 2017 17:33

Ren: hey bitches

Ren: y'all ready for another group chat member?

Ann: I’M SORRY???

Ryuji: how many people do you know jesus

Haru: Is it Shiho or Mishima?

Ren: neither :)

Makoto: Ren if you add the reanimated corpse of Kamoshida to this group chat I swear to god I’ll punch you

Ren: ew

Ann: ew

Ryuji: ew

Ren: it’s nothing like that

Ren: you like this person trust me

Akechi: Cut to the chase, Amamiya. We’re busy people.

Ren: that’s not true you’re just a sourpuss

Ren: although speaking of sourpuss

Amamiya Ren added Morgana to the group chat

Sumire: OMG KITTY ฅ•ω•ฅ

Ryuji: wtf

Akechi: I was under the impression that cats couldn’t type.

Morgana: Who says I’m typing?

Ann: OMG it is him!!!

Akechi: I assume we won’t get a simple explanation from you, Amamiya.

Ren: I mean futaba was the one that set this up, I just gave him a dramatic entrance

Futaba: owo whats this?

Makoto: How exactly did you do this, Futaba?

Futaba: well two or three years ago microsoft added a way to control their computers via eye motions

Haru: Oh wow, I never heard of that!

Futaba: yeah it flew under the radar but I keep up with accessibility stuff for my software

Futaba: anyway mona was getting lonely when I was at school and ren was working so I realized I could rebuild the program to work with cat eyes!

Futaba: bought him a laptop, emailed a few devs, learned how eyes work

Morgana: And here I am!

Haru: Glad to have you, Mona-chan.

Ryuji: did you not know how eyes worked before futaba?

Futaba: do you?

Ryuji: fair

Ren: anyway mona’s set for life now basically

Ren: he’s got full control of the computer. solitaire, calculator, even internet

Haru: He can keep up with the news!

Yusuke: He can look up paintings online!

Sumire: He can join social media!

Ren: wait fuck

Zenkichi: Kid, did you just give a cat a Facebook account?

Futaba: nah they won’t let him on fb he doesn’t have a way to prove he’s human

Morgana: I am on Twitter, though!

Morgana: Wow, Lady Ann, this sundae you posted a picture of earlier looks amazing!

Ann: I know right! Biggest ice cream I’ve ever had and they gave me a discount!!!

Ren: morgana have fun but please don’t spam ann’s inbox

Morgana: What makes you think I’d do that?

Ren: just a hunch

November 27, 2017 21:44

Morgana: Everyone, I have a problem.

Makoto: What is it, Morgana?

Futaba: is there a tech issue I need to fix?

Morgana: Nothing on your end, Futaba.

Morgana: The problem is that nobody on the internet believes I’m a cat!

Ryuji: lol

Morgana: It’s not funny!

Morgana: I posted a picture of myself and told everyone how much I like raw fish, but they just think I’m a human taking pictures of a cat!

Morgana: Some of them even called me a “furry”. I don’t even know what that means!

Futaba: asdhflajhsdlafjks

Makoto: Hm.

Ryuji: THE FUCK

Ren: sorry to hear that mona

Ren: what are you going to do about it 

Morgana: Well, I need to convince everyone that I’m a cat, of course. It’s the only way for me to remain undercover online.

Makoto: That may not be how going undercover works.

Morgana: First order of business, determine what a “furry” is so I can properly refute people who think I am one.

Morgana: I’ve been told that they congregate on a website called “Furaffinity”.

Ryuji: oh no

Yusuke: Oh dear

Futaba: MORGANA NO

Morgana: What’s the matter? Do you want everyone to think I’m human?

Ren: no morgana go for it

Ren: defend your honor

Morgana: Brilliant advice from our fearless leader.

Morgana: I’ll return with tales of my victory.

Futaba: REN WHAT THE FUKC

Ann: I’m back did I miss anything?

Ryuji: ann don’t scroll up

Ann: why not?

Ann: JESUS CHRIST REN

Ren: jesus didn’t have a persona but thanks for the compliment

Ren’s Phone

November 27, 2017 22:01

Akechi: Could you explain to me just why everyone is in hysterics over this website?

Ren: no

Ren: actually wait it’s funnier if you know

Ren: ok google “furry” and check the image search results

Akechi: Alright then.

Akechi: What the hell is this.

Ren: was that reaction with safesearch on or off

Akechi: SafeSearch was off.

Akechi: I will not make that mistake again.

Ren: yeah that’s the thing

Ren: there’s nothing wrong with furries or furry content, it’s just a niche internet community

Ren: but being exposed to the horny NSFW stuff without warning is a bit of a shocking experience

Akechi: Then why did you encourage him?

Ren: morgana is more stubborn than a pack of high pixies

Ren: and besides, he has to learn about porn someday

Ren: might as well rip the bandaid off

Akechi: I suppose you know him better than me.

Akechi: Still, I’m not sure if this is going to be humorous or horrifying.

Ren: probably both

PHANTOM DWEEBS

November 27, 2017 23:11

Ryuji: so do y’all think he’s dead or what

Sumire: Why would kitty be dead?

Ryuji: morgana hasn’t seen a single boob in his life

Ryuji: how do you think he’ll react when he sees a full frontal foxgirl

Yusuke: His poor brain is not prepared for the horrors that are doubtlessly being inflicted upon him.

Makoto: I think you’re overreacting. Morgana won’t die just because he saw some smut on a website.

Makoto: Although I do think he should have been given a proper warning.

Ren: you all did warn him tho

Ren: he just chose to ignore it

Makoto: Mostly thanks to you.

Ren: look he wouldn’t have listened if I had warned him anyway

Ren: I said this to akechi earlier, we can’t hide him from the world forever

Ann: oh so you talked to akechi about this already?

Ann: lover boy

Ren: oh come on, he was the one who texted me

Futaba: ren I don’t care if you have a crush on a twink, if our cat dies im taking away your video game privileges

Ren: wait no the new story of seasons game just came out

Futaba: then you better pray bitch

Morgana: Hello, everyone.

Morgana: I’ve returned from my research.

Haru: Welcome back, Mona-chan!

Ren: hey ur not dead right?

Ren: please tell me you’re not dead

Morgana: Why would I be dead? The Internet can’t kill you.

Ren: uh

Ren: maybe they put EMMA on furaffinity?

Futaba: squirm loverboy

Morgana: ...They didn’t.

Morgana: Anyway.

Morgana: I went onto this “Furaffinity” website.

Morgana: It turns out that some humans have a significant interest in pictures of scantily clad anthropomorphic animals.

Ryuji: morgana you’re okay right?

Ann: you aren’t having a stroke or anything?

Morgana: No, of course not.

Morgana: The nude pictures were completely uninteresting.

Ren: oh

Futaba: huh

Ryuji: cool

Morgana: Once I figured out how to hide those images by filtering out the “NSFW” tag—someone will need to tell me what that means later—I examined the rest and enjoyed them a great deal.

Morgana: I also found some interesting stories about these fantastical creatures. I’ve saved a few to read for later.

Makoto: I did not expect this outcome.

Futaba: me neither

Sumire: So does that mean you’re a furry, Morgana?

Morgana: I suppose so.

Yusuke: Not only is Morgana the first cat on the Internet, he is the first cat furry on the Internet. Truly we live in interesting times.

Ren: told y’all it’d be fine

Morgana: Thank you for the encouragement earlier, Ren. It’s nice to know you’re always on my side.

Ren: no prob bud

Morgana: Oh, and Yusuke, you should consider adding furry art to your repertoire. I’ve heard that furries are willing to pay good money for commissions!

Yusuke: askdjfaosdhflakjhsdlfajkh

Yusuke: If you’ll excuse me.

Yusuke: I appear to have spilled herbal tea all over my shirt.

Futaba’s Phone

November 27, 2020 23:43

Ren: hey you’re not angry about the furaffinity anymore right

Ren: because I was hoping we could play story of seasons together tomorrow

Ren: sound good sis?

Ren: sis?

Ren: sis why won’t my switch turn on

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 28, 2017 11:31

Futaba: ok ren is upset with me and im bored so someone else entertain me

Ryuji: we’re busy people Futaba

Ryuji: just let ren have his switch back

Futaba: no

Futaba: the gremlin high ruler demands you tell her your least favorite kitchen appliance

Ann: FUCK OVENS

Futaba: AGREED

Ann: I PUT DELICIOUS SHIT IN THERE ALL THE TIME

Ann: AND WHAT DO I GET FOR MY DILIGENCE????

Ann: FUCKING RUBBISH!!!

Haru: I agree that baking is extremely difficult. It took me years of practice to make a decent cake.

Ann: hey don’t need comments from miss perfect

Ann: let me vent without reminding me there are three people in here that are better cooks than me

Haru: Oh, my bad Ann!

Ann: dw babe im not angry at you just at my oven

Haru: Also, it’s Mrs. Perfect.

Makoto: aldskjfhlakjsdfh

Haru: Oh, Mako-chan just spit out her coffee at the dining table!

Makoto: Haru is lying.

Makoto: Anyway, my answer is toasters.

Sumire: But toasters are adorable!

Sumire: What have toasters ever done to you???

Makoto: We do not need toasters. Anything a toaster can do can be easily accomplished by a frying pan or a grill.

Makoto: And yet we have toasters anyway, because capitalism makes it so that we do not have time to cook a deliberate breakfast in the mornings. We are too rushed to cook eggs and toast in a pan and do the dishes afterwards. All we can do is grab a yogurt, make instant coffee, and tap our feet impatiently while the toaster does its all-too-specific job.

Makoto: The toaster is what lets us make it to work on time, but it is also another shackle of the twenty-first century. And I resent it.

Futaba: ENCORE! ENCORE!

Ann: that was beautiful

Sumire: Are you okay, Makoto-senpai?

Makoto: I am two days behind schedule on an essay for my Japanese literature course.

Ryuji: oh yeah that’ll do it

Ren: I hate the fridge because I always went hungry whenever boss’ fridge was empty at night

Sophia: Did Sojiro not feed you at nights?

Ren: oh no, he always gave me dinner

Ren: im just the hungriest fuck out there

Ren: I’d wake morgana up because my stomach was too loud

Morgana: You still do sometimes.

Ren: you’re the one who still lives with me

Ren: and yes I know its because i'm your tuna dealer you don’t have to say that every time

Morgana: ...Point taken.

Yusuke: I have to admit that the appliance I hate the most is the stove.

Yusuke: Should I try to make anything but instant ramen, my pots and pans erupt into smoke.

Ann: no wonder you have such trouble getting thing to eat...

Akechi: Kitagawa, are you saying you don’t know how to cook eggs?

Yusuke: Indeed. My eggs refuse to leave the pan without significant force being applied to them.

Akechi: Do you heat up butter or oil on the pan before you add the eggs?

Yusuke: Why would you do that?

Akechi: Excuse me?

Akechi: Have none of you Phantom Thieves taught him how to cook?

Ren: i always mean to but every time he walks into leblanc he looks so hungry I just make food for him without thinking

Ryuji: still haven’t gotten him to come over for dinner with my mom

Yusuke: Madarame said that he didn’t have time to purchase ingredients for his pupils, so the younger ones were always given pre-cooked meals.

Akechi: Bullshit. It was probably another way to make you less independent and more reliant on him.

Yusuke: ...You may be correct, come to think of it.

Akechi: Yusuke, I am coming over right now and teaching you how to make eggs.

Ren: hey no offense akechi but

Akechi: I am aware that I am not the greatest cook.

Akechi: But I do know how to make eggs.

Yusuke: I am available right now if you see this as a priority.

Yusuke: Shall I text you my home address?

Akechi: No need, I found everyone’s addresses online a week ago.

Futaba: not creepy, nope, not one bit

Akechi: Agreed, it’s quite convenient.

Akechi lifted the well-done egg out of the frying pan with a spatula and set it onto a plate. “And there we go, Yusuke. Just a few simple steps.”

Yusuke’s mouth was open slightly as he took the plate from Akechi’s hands. “I never realized it was this simple.”

“I had to learn a lot of these things for myself when I was younger,” Akechi replied as he took off the oven mitt he had been wearing. “My mother was busy working, and I often had to feed myself before she came home with dinner.”

“I see.”

Yusuke sat down at the table and began to cut the egg with a fork.

Akechi groaned. “Kitagawa, please put salt and pepper on the eggs at least. Otherwise it’ll be so bland you’ll gag.”

Yusuke blinked, then reached for the salt shaker and applied a generous amount to the egg. After a gentle shake of the pepper grinder, he put it to his mouth and ate it. A look of satisfaction spread across his face. “This is excellent.”

Akechi leaned back against Yusuke’s kitchen counter. “Finish eating, then I’ll watch you prepare an egg yourself. I’m not going to be responsible if you set your apartment on fire.”

“I suppose that would be best.”

Akechi folded his arms and watched Kitagawa consume the egg in front of him like it was high-grade sushi. Truth be told, he had no idea why he was here. Unlike other members of the Thieves that he had a history with, his relationship with the artist was nearly nonexistent, and he doubted Kitagawa felt much for him in return. So what had possessed him?

It had been what Kitagawa had said about Madarame. Just reading about a father figure neglecting someone dependent on him had filled Akechi with an unnatural rage. Even now, Shido still haunted him, Akechi thought as he bit his cheek.

He looked up as he heard Kitagawa’s chair move. Yusuke stood and cracked his knuckles in a smooth motion. “Shall I cook for you, then?”

Akechi shook his head with an exasperated expression. “No need for dramatics. It’s just an egg.”

“Whether it’s eggs or foie gras, I am truly grateful, Akechi. You saw a need that I didn’t realize I had, and you helped me fulfill it.”

Akechi closed his eyes to avoid the admiration in Yusuke’s face. “I don’t have all day, Kitagawa.”

Yusuke smiled knowingly. “Of course.”

Akechi sighed as the artist moved back towards the burner range. As much as he wanted to leave, he had aleady committed to stay. And he didn’t want to see the group’s looks if Kitagawa injured himself after receiving Akechi’s cooking advice. “Alright, so first get some butter...”

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

November 29, 2017 15:50

Ryuji: holy shit y’all video games are fucked up

Ann: what game are you playing?

Ryuji: im playing undertale

Ryuji: the dad dude just destroyed the button that lets me spare him

Ryuji: why is he so nice and so mean at the same time :(

Futaba: wait ryuji is this the first time you’ve played undertale???

Ryuji: yeah why

Futaba: HOW?????

Ryuji: I JUST DIDN’T GET AROUND TO IT OKAY

Ren: RYUJI IT IS THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2017 HOW HAVE YOU NOT PLAYED UNDERTALE YET

Ryuji: OH COME ON I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE

Akechi: I haven’t played this game either.

Ryuji: wait shit I’m in the same group as akechi here

Ryuji: okay yeah I should’ve played this game by now

Akechi: I see how it is, Sakamoto.

Makoto: He’s got a point, Akechi. Even I know what Undertale is.

Ryuji: wait really?

Makoto: I watched Haru play it over spring break.

Haru: Oh, I remember that! It was so fun for us to play it together.

Ryuji: jeez I really am behind

Ann: this was before you two were dating?

Makoto: Yup. We took turns on the battles.

Makoto: I remember Haru just started freaking out when Tsunderplane showed up, talking about how cute it was with the little bow.

Makoto: Her experssion was so pure and her eyes were glowing like stars.

Makoto: I think that was when I realized I loved her.

Ann: OMG :D

Haru: Mako-chan that’s adorable!

Makoto: Then we went axe throwing an hour later.

Ryuji: lol (love our lesbians)

Ryuji: okay halfway through the boss fight

Ryuji: I don’t have to kill this dude do I

Sophia: You do not have to kill Asgore, Ryuji.

Ryuji: oh thank god

Futaba: SOPHIA NO SPOILERS

Sophia: But Ryuji was in significant distress!

Ren: this is the good kind of distress soph

Ren: stories like these are best enjoyed without spoilers

Ren: human heart lessons

Ryuji: wait what’s going to happen

Futaba: you’ll see :3

Ryuji: well at least asgore doesn’t die

Ryuji: OMG he wants me to live with him now

Ryuji: me and goat mom and goat dad!

Makoto: LOL

Ryuji: what's that supposed to mean makoto

Ryuji: WTF

Ryuji: THAT FLOWER BITCH JUST KILLED DAD

Ryuji: AND MY GAME CRASHED

Futaba: it’ll reopen don’t worry

Ryuji: oh yeah it started back up

Ryuji: where am I???

Ryuji: WHY IS HE SO BIG

Ryuji: SWEET BALL SACKS THIS BITCH HAS A PERSONA

Futaba: ajsdhflajksd

Ren: god bless toby fox

Ann: we love to see it

Sumire: Oh, are we talking about Undertale?

Sumire: I met Toby Fox once!

Futaba: WAIT WHAT

Futaba: YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS BABE

Ryuji: whoa taba just called her “babe”

Ryuji: ...and Flowey just killed me again

Futaba: I’D LOL IF I WASN’T IN UTTER DISBELIEF AT MY GF

Sumire: It wasn’t that big of a deal…

Sumire: He came on my dad’s television show while he was visiting Japan. I only got to shake his hand and say hello.

Futaba: NOT A BIG DEAL?!?!!?

Futaba: YOU SHOOK HANDS WITH GOD

Ren: oh I think I met toby fox once too actually

Futaba: AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO HASN’T MET TOBY FOX

Akechi: Sakura, I think you may be making too big of a deal out of this.

Futaba: SHUT UP ASRIEL

Ren: lmao

Ann: lmao

Makoto: The resemblance to Asriel isn’t unreasonable, actually.

Ren: screwed over by a death in the family, sought vengeance against everyone around him

Sumire: Turns his life around after making a friend!

Haru: Extremely soft, too :D

Akechi: May I remind you that I don’t know who this character is.

Ren: well sometimes he looks like this

Ren sent an image

Ren: and sometimes he looks like this

Ren sent an image

Ren: also hey ryuji don’t look at like the last 20 messages

Futaba: don’t worry he’s too busy dying to flowey again

Akechi: Hm.

Akechi: While the charater is far too fluffy for my liking, I do appreciate the menace of that second image.

Futaba: THIEVES ALERT AKECHI IS AN ASRIEL KINNIE

Akechi: No, I am not.

Ren: asriel-kinning ass

Ann: y’all wanna change his nickname in chat?

Sophia: Should I?

Akechi: No.

Ren: yes

Sophia: Got it!

Akechi Goro’s nickname has been changed to “Asriel”

Ren: thanks soph

Asriel: I was almost starting to like some of you.

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 1, 2017 10:31

Ren: okay so are we going to address the fact that makoto just texted literally every single phantom thief at 6 AM asking when her and haru could come over this weekend

Sumire: Oh, so I wasn’t the only one who got that?

Ryuji: nope

Makoto: I didn’t do that.

Ren: im sitting right here with futaba, we both got the text

Ren: and also you literally work with the most notorious hacker in japan

Ann: you’d think our chief strategist wouldn’t forget that all the time

Makoto: Every day I try to forget how fragile our digital infrastructure is, and every day Futaba reminds me.

Ryuji: digital what now

Makoto: The only reason the Internet doesn’t collapse from malfeasance is because the effort required by hackers to break digital security systems is often greater than the reward they would receive for doing so.

Makoto: Futaba and Sophia disrupt that balance by being fucking wizards, and it terrifies me.

Sophia: What a nice compliment!

Futaba: thanks :3

Haru: Anyway, the texts are because Makoto and I will be coming over to everyone’s places this weekend! Get ready for a surprise :)

Ren: oh no

Ryuji: hey I still need a translator for what makoto just said

Sumire: No.

Ryuji: well fuck you too sumire

Ryuji: why did my phone just start playing the rickroll

Futaba: DON’T INSULT MY GIRLFRIEND

Sumire: Sorry, I thought I told Futaba to stop doing that.

Futaba: u can’t stop me hun >:)

Ryuji: nah wait this song is real good actually

Ren: LOL

Ann: LMAO

Ryuji: and it stopped after I typed that

Ryuji: goddamnit futaba

Ren: anyway everyone make sure you’re carrying self defense weapons

Ren: just in case they try to go full martial arts on us

Haru: That’s rude, Ren! I wouldn’t hurt any of you.

Haru: Even though I am fully capable of doing so.

Ann: ajsdhlfjkahlsd

Morgana: Straight for the throat!

Ren: has haru been taking lessons on menace from akechi

Asriel: No, she hasn’t. Although I’m sure I can provide some when they come over.

Asriel: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Akechi Goro’s nickname has been changed from “Asriel” to “Akechi”

Futaba: oh no, such menace from the asriel kinnie

Haru: Kinning aside, I may just take you up on that offer Goro!

Haru: Everyone keeps complaining that I sound too nice.

Akechi: We’re not on a first-name basis, Okumura.

Haru: Not yet <3

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 3, 2017 13:23

Ann: thanks for the baking lesson Haru!!!

Ann: oh shit wrong chat

Ren: SO THAT’S WHAT’S GOING ON

Ann: I’M SO SORRY HARU

Haru: Don’t worry about it, Ann. It was bound to get out eventually!

Ryuji: oh ur giving everyone cooking lessons? that’s lit

Haru: After Yusuke mentioned his lack of cooking knowledge, I figured I could come and give everyone a tutorial or two.

Haru: And see if there’s any kitchen equipment I can buy for you!

Ann: Haru ordered me a brand new blender and hand mixer and replaced a pan of mine that had been scratched <3

Sumire: Haru ur the best

Futaba: hey what about me >:(

Sumire: Futaba we are literally cuddling right now

Futaba: uwu

Ryuji: wait isn’t that expensive as fuck

Haru: Well, I already donated 85 percent of my salary to charity, but it turns out I had a lot left over once I cut some unnecessary expenses from my budget.

Haru: Since I don’t need all this money and it’s too close to tax season to make my secretary handle the paperwork for another large donation, I figured I could spend the money on my friends!

Ren: holy shit haru you are the best

Makoto: Thank you all for letting her do this.

Makoto: She was trying to buy me a motorcycle before she got this idea.

Haru: Your motorcycle is so old, though!

Makoto: It’s a classic and it’s well-maintained, thank you.

Ann: you two are so gay

Ren: ur just jealous that they’re together and you haven’t made a move on shiho yet

Ann: haewljifafhlsdjkfj not true

Ryuji: rekt

Ryuji: anyway Haru just be aware that my mom will probably be over while ur visiting and she’s very protective of some of her old cooking gear

Ryuji: so don’t order too much new stuff for us

Haru: Noted!

Ren: who else have you visited?

Haru: Other than Ann, we’ve visited Yusuke and Sumire so far!

Haru: Sumire didn’t need much help, she’s already a very good cook and her family’s kitchen is fairly up to date.

Haru: Although I did upgrade their spice rack slightly!

Sumire: Everything was so fancy \(★ω★)/

Makoto: Yusuke got a lot more things ordered for him.

Haru: Can you believe Yusuke didn’t even own curry powder?

Ren: what the fuck

Ren: yusuke where are you

Yusuke: Yes, Ren?

Ren: we are curry buds how could you betray me like this

Yusuke: I never felt the need to make my own curry, since you always make it for me.

Ren: yusuke you are small and narrow-minded

Ren: curry puffs, curry ramen, curry popcorn

Ren: indian curry, malaysian curry, thai curry

Ren: leblanc alone cannot satisfy a world of desire

Yusuke: I suppose you have a point.

Ren: I am coming over tomorrow and teaching you how to make curry ramen

Yusuke: I have an essay due for class tomorrow, unfortunately.

Ren: oh damn

Ren: next week then

Yusuke: Perfect.

Futaba: cooking sidequest!!!

Futaba: everyone has to teach yusuke a recipe

Makoto: What will you teach him, Futaba?

Futaba: uh

Futaba: im the recipe judge

Zenkichi: Just like in Osaka, huh?

Zenkichi: You really love to mooch food off your friends.

Futaba: shut it cop

Makoto: Ouch.

Zenkichi: I’ll have you know that as of last week I am no longer a cop. I now work as an investigator for the committee responsible for overseeing ethics complaints against members of the Diet.

Ren: oh shit congrats gramps

Haru: That’s so exciting!

Zenkichi: The things you kids said about the police got to me a little bit, I suppose.

Ryuji: good job haru

Haru: <3

Ann: so wait are we allowed to insult cops in chat now

Ren: that’s up to gramps

Zenkichi: I’m done with the force after what happened during the summer. Please, insult them as you wish.

Futaba: FUCKING FINALLY

Futaba: COPS CAN SUCK MY DICK

Sumire: Futaba, language :0

Ryuji: nah she’s right tho

Sumire: Okay fair

Ann: shiho got harassed by a cop once and I nearly punched him

Makoto: Still can’t believe I ever wanted to become a commissioner.

Haru: We all make mistakes, honey.

Yusuke: I will never forget how unhelpful they were during the police investigation of Madarame’s misdeeds.

Ren: bitch ass motherfuckers gave me truth drugs that couldn’t even get me to tell the truth

Ren: all I had to do was shake my head or be evasive

Akechi: The fact that I never strangled a policeman is one of my greatest regrets.

Morgana: Cops are worse than spoiled sushi!

Zenkichi: Wow, even the cat joined in.

Zenkichi: I’m impressed that you kids didn’t kill me on the spot when we first met.

Futaba: if akechi was with us we probably would’ve

Sophia: No please don’t kill Gramps!

Ren: don’t worry we aren’t killing gramps

Ren: just roasting him for his past decisions

Zenkichi: I’m glad you kids made me wake up to what was going on.

Ryuji: nah we helped but you did most of the work yourself

Ryuji: that’s how personas work

Ren: you were misled and betrayed by the system, but you figured things out and are making amends

Ann: you should be proud of yourself Zenkichi!

Zenkichi: Wow.

Zenkichi: That means a lot coming from all of you.

Ren: <3

Makoto: Not to change topics, but we’ll be dropping by Akechi’s house soon.

Akechi: Sure, Okumura.

Akechi: Would you also like to see my knife collection while you’re there? I've been told you have an interest.

Haru: oh shit you have a knife collection

Ren: LOL

Ren: so excited she forgot to punctuate and capitalize

Akechi: It’s something I’m rather proud of, if I’m being honest.

Haru: SHOW ME PLEASE

Makoto: She’s squirming in delight in our car right now.

Ren: it’s a great collection akechi showed it to me last week

Ann: …

Makoto: ...

Morgana: looking gay joker!

Futaba: AKAJLSKDFASASJDH

Ren: MORGANA????

Akechi: Fuck you, Morgana.

Ryuji: holy shit everyone is getting destroyed today

Futaba: that was a perfect response morgana

Morgana: Why thank you! I am a master of wit, after all.

Futaba: don’t push it cat

Morgana: D:

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 4, 2017 15:40

Makoto: Okay everyone, I need help settling a debate between Ryuji and me.

Ann: is this about protein shakes again

Ryuji: no this isn’t about protein shakes it’s extremely important

Futaba: whatever it is makoto’s right

Ryuji: OH COME ON

Haru: Is this about the thing you were reading up on when you got home from the gym, Mako-chan?

Haru: You seemed to be very intensely focused on it.

Ren: okay now im definitely curious

Makoto: It’s a simple question with a complex answer.

Makoto: Are the Phantom Thieves superheroes?

Ann: ...huh

Morgana: That is a good question.

Ren: this is the first time in weeks I haven’t had an immediate answer for something

Makoto: Which is why I said you should do college part-time instead of only running Leblanc. You’re too intellectually curious to be happy with just the cafe.

Ren: hey we aren’t discussing my questionable decision making

Ren: we’re talking about superheroes

Ryuji: Makoto says we’re not superheroes and I cannot believe how wrong she is

Futaba: yeah i think i have to side with Ryuji on this one

Futaba: how could we not be superheroes???

Ryuji: hell yeah high five sis

Futaba: we’re peas in a pod!

Ryuji: thick as thieves!

Futaba: bros bein hoes!

Futaba: no hetero tho

Ryuji: yeah never hetero

Haru: I’m inclined to agree with them, Mako-chan. Our Personas are supernatural powers, aren’t they? I’m not sure what other criteria there are.

Ann: betrayed by her own gf

Makoto: Let me explain my argument.

Makoto: The only requirement that we’ve seen for obtaining a Persona has been accepting the rebellious spirit in our subconscious. And Zenkichi and Sophia getting a Persona suggests that the manifesting one is a power that comes from our own awakening and not a god’s intervention.

Makoto: Based on this criteria, I’d argue anyone could get a Persona if their psyche was prepared for it. Which means that the powers aren’t technically “superhuman.”

Sumire: That’s actually a good point. If Yaldabaoth or someone else had granted the powers, Haru and I would’ve had a full awakening from the start instead of a delayed one.

Ryuji: my argument is that we’re superheroes because we can do spooky stuff and killed god twice

Ren: both of these arguments are very compelling

Makoto: They aren’t, though.

Ann: you’re just upset that Ryuji is right about something and you’re wrong

Makoto: Does that really seem like something I’d be upset about?

Futaba: yes

Ren: yes

Morgana: yes

Haru: ...maybe?

Makoto: Et tu, Haru?

Morgana: Et who now?

Yusuke: If I may add my perspective, I believe that superheroes are defined more by their aesthetic than the technical details behind their abilities. The Phantom Thieves use powers they never expected to have to defeat evil and restore balance to society. How could that not be superheroic?

Morgana: Exactly, Yusuke!

Ryuji: game’s up makoto

Futaba: hopefully you didn’t make a bet about winning this argument

Ryuji: nah she did

Ryuji: brb gonna find the most expensive ramen place in Ogikubo

Sumire: Ouch (´･ε･｀)

Ren: makoto you need to stop gambling

Makoto: You’re the one who bought lottery tickets last year.

Akechi: Excuse me, this argument isn’t over. I haven’t spoken yet.

Futaba: conceited much?

Akechi: I mean that I have a point that hasn’t been brought up yet.

Akechi: Makoto is right, if for a different reason than she expressed.

Makoto: I’m letting you know that I’ve been thinking about this for an hour and I probably already thought about what you’re going to say.

Ann: omg harsh

Yusuke: Has the true conflict finally begun?

Ren: why don’t I keep popcorn at leblanc

Akechi: Superheroes are all fictional characters. We are not fictional, and therefore we cannot be superheroes.

Akechi: An argument could be made that we have power like the ones superheroes have, or that we would be superheroes if we were characters in a movie. But definitionally, we are excluded from the label.

Makoto: …

Makoto: fuck why didn’t I think of that

Ren: lol

Futaba: akechi I don’t think you could have said anything more akechi-like than that

Ann: he’s got a point though

Ren: yeah I think he wins

Ryuji: oh come on he’s just splitting hairs!!!

Sumire: Makoto's argument was better >:(

Sophia: Akechi’s assessment of the definition of “superhero” is concurrent with the vast majority of online dictionaries.

Makoto: It’s the best argument that’s been presented, even if it’s also the least entertaining one.

Yusuke: You appear to have been conquered, Ryuji.

Ren: does that mean ryuji and makoto are buying ramen for goro now

Makoto: Technically the terms of the debate stated that I would be treated to ramen if the group agreed that we aren’t superheroes.

Ryuji: that’s fucked up

Ren: this is truly an unjust game

Makoto: But I don’t think that’s fair when I’m not the one who won the argument.

Makoto: Split the bill, Ryuji?

Ryuji: hell yeah ramen night!!!

Ryuji: who else wants to come with

Futaba: count me in!

Ryuji: hell yeah bro!!!

Akechi: I haven’t had ramen in a while, actually.

Ryuji: sorry akechi no mean bitches allowed

Ann: ajsajskdfhlajsdhl

Ren: ryuji are you saying this ramen is for losers only?

Ren: because if you don’t let akechi come along that’s technically true

Ryuji: ...ok fine akechi can come

Akechi: I promise to not be a “bitch” when we meet up.

Akechi: I value ramen far too highly.

Sumire: And also your relationships with your friends, right?

Akechi: The word “friends” is a bold choice, Yoshizawa. Let’s stick with “acquaintances” for now.

Sumire: >:(

Ren: nothing like food to bring a family together <3

Ren’s Phone

December 4, 2017 23:33

Ryuji: okay but if the public thinks we don’t exist that makes us superheroes right

Ren: ryuji go to bed

Ryuji: shut up you’re not my dad

Ren: ryuji clean your room

Ren: eat your vegetables

Ren: get a romantic partner

Ryuji: hey there’s nothing wrong with taking my time!

Ren: whatever you say kid

Ryuji: >:(

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 8, 2017 15:03

Sumire: Hey, everyone! I have a small question for everyone who was in Kawakami-sensei’s homeroom last year.

Ryuji: oh yeah hit us up

Ann: ren was the only one who knew her that well tbh

Ren: haven’t talked to her in a while but I’ll do my best

Sumire: Thank you!

Sumire: Sensei came into class wearing a turtleneck today. I didn’t think much of it at first, since it’s winter and everything.

Ren: makes sense

Sumire: But then she tugged on the collar when the heating system kicked in, and I noticed a bruise on her neck.

Ryuji: uhhhh

Sumire: Does Sensei bruise easily, or is there something else going on?

Ann: ummmmm

Futaba: sumi you sweet summer child

Sumire: What’s going on?

Sumire: Am I missing something?

Akechi: She’s fucking someone, Yoshizawa-san.

Sumire: EXCUSE ME???

Makoto: You’re going to break her, Akechi.

Akechi: I am not going to break a sixteen-year-old outside of the Metaverse just by talking about sex.

Sumire: How can you tell from a bruise???

Ren: you ever heard the word “hickey”?

Sumire: I have, but nobody has told me what it means.

Ann: I thought you read a ton of girl’s love manga during gymnastics trips

Sumire: Only the wholesome ones!

Futaba: omg sumire

Futaba: how is my girlfriend so precious

Ren: one of a kind

Futaba: must protecc

Ren: agreed

Ren: anyway people get hickeys when someone bites or sucks on their skin

Ren: so kawakami was probably having very intimate sex with someone

Sumire: My poor ears aren’t ready for this (ノ*°▽°*)

Futaba: REN!!!

Futaba: I thought you said you must protecc!!!

Ren: yeah I may have been lying a little

Ann: okay but who exactly is Kawakami sleeping with tho???

Ryuji: yeah good question

Ryuji: I know she was single last year, so this has gotta be a new thing

Ren: she probably got on the scene after I freed her from that maid job

Makoto: ...And then made her do your laundry with the maid outfit on afterwards.

Sumire: Senpai was doing WHAT???

Ryuji: sumire brain broke

Ren: PLEASE LET ME CLARIFY

Ren: yes I had her do my laundry but only because she refused to stop after she quit the housekeeping job. also laundry is hard

Ren: and I never told her to wear the maid outfit

Ren: she said it was a way to keep people from knowing she was coming over to a student’s house at night

Ann: you could’ve just told her to stop you know

Ren: ann I do not know how to say “no” to nice people

Futaba: he really doesn’t

Futaba: one time he made me so much curry I puked

Akechi: Seriously?

Futaba: I literally walked up to leblanc’s counter with my hand on my stomach, sick as a dog, and he looked at me and knew exactly what was happening

Futaba: and I still said “more curry plz” and he still gave it to me

Ren: not my fault you’re so damn adorable

Futaba: true!!!

Futaba: speaking of which, you still there sumire?

Sumire: I am physically watching the chat. I am not sure where I am mentally.

Futaba: want me to come over for cuddles

Sumire: I think I’m okay. Thank you, though.

Futaba: (:

Ren: anyway who wants to figure out who kawakami’s fucking

Ann: aslajkshdlfkjashdf

Makoto: How are we going to figure that out, exactly?

Sophia: I could access Kawakami-sensei's phone and check her text messages and phone logs.

Makoto: I’d rather not break the law for something so trivial.

Ren: I know I’m mister crimes here but yeah agreed

Sophia: Oh, sorry everyone!

Futaba: I thought it was a great idea soph

Sophia: Yay!

Ryuji: not saying we should break the law, but also fucking is never trivial makoto

Yusuke: As someone who is asexual, I will have to disagree.

Ryuji: oh yeah my bad bro

Ryuji: correction: relationships are never trivial makoto

Makoto: Okay, but they are also a private affair.

Yusuke: I don’t know your teacher, but she would surely be upset if we were to pry into her personal affairs.

Ren: okay but what if I figure it out without prying tho

Makoto: How would you do that, exactly?

Futaba: oh god

Futaba: not this trick again

Akechi: What “trick”?

Ann: Ren can look at a person and immediately know who they’re in a relationship with

Morgana: I’ve seen him do it and it’s terrifyingly accurate.

Makoto: You’re kidding me.

Ren: how else do you think I knew about every single romantic group in the Phantom Thieves

Ren: it’s probably a wild card thing tbh

Ryuji: I’m all for Ren using the Fuck Detector

Makoto: Can we not call it that?

Ryuji: but I thought it only worked if you knew both people in the relationship

Ren: yeah but honestly I’ve already got a guess who kawakami is dating

Ren: just need to visit a friend in the neighborhood to confirm

Ren: I’m running Leblanc alone atm so gimme like three hours sumi?

Sumire: I guess so?

Ren: gotcha

Ren: thanks for putting up with our bullshit

Makoto: Sorry this conversation spiraled way outside of your control, Sumire.

Sumire: No, it’s all right. I’m learning a lot anyway!

Makoto: I’m… glad to hear that. I think.

December 8, 2017 18:32

Ren: alright y’all got back from the clinic

Ren: takemi and kawakami are definitely fucking

Ann: THAT WAS YOUR FIRST GUESS???

Ren: yeah

Ren: takemi needs someone who can break her shell by being extra caring, and kawakami needs someone who’s sympathetic and a good listener

Ren: they seemed like each other’s types

Sumire: Who’s Takemi?

Ryuji: big titty goth doctor milf we bought drugs from last year

Ren: ...unfortunately that’s a roughly accurate description

Akechi: Forgive me if I’m skeptical of this ability of yours, Ren.

Ren: would it make you feel better if I told you I also asked takemi if she was dating kawakami and she said yes

Makoto: I thought we said we weren’t prying, Ren.

Ren: nah trust me takemi is fine with questions like that

Ren: I asked and told her I wouldn’t tell kawakami I knew and she just laughed

Ren: also she still kinda owes me for constantly testing drugs on me anyway

Futaba: wait she did WHAT

Ren: yeah I was her “guinea pig”

Ren: had to get our metaverse meds somehow

Makoto: Every time I learn more about last year I start to wonder how you’re still alive.

Ren: she used the test results to save a dying child so really it’s whatever

Akechi: Where do you even find all these people, Amamiya?

Ren: oh you know, around

Ren: sometimes I go to the shibuya scramble and stand there for a few hours until someone interesting shows up

Ren: anyway that’s another two of my confidants that are gay

Ren: so adding them and subtracting fake igor, that leaves…

Ren: toranosuke yoshida as the only nonqueer one

Makoto: You keep track of this?

Ren: look when all of your friends are hella gay you start to notice a pattern

Sumire: What about Morgana?

Ren: we talked it out after the furry thing, he’s agender and ace

Morgana: That’s what I’m going with for now, at least.

Haru: Congrats, Mona-chan!

Ann: good for you mona <3

Ann: what about maruki though?

Ren: bisexual as fuck

Ann: okay true

Futaba: I thought dad was a confidant

Ren: okay sis don’t be offended by what is a bold headcanon of mine

Ren: aromantic sakura sojiro

Ann: !!!

Ryuji: damn you weren’t kidding about bold

Futaba: ...fuck that sounds right tho

Futaba: he’s definitely aro and doesn’t recognize it

Ren: we gotta send him a few webpages soon

Futaba: I’ll get a list together

Ren: thanks bug

Futaba: uwu

Akechi: Is knowing everyone’s queer identities another wild card power?

Ren: nah I just have a really good gaydar

Ann: he does tho!

Ann: I think he’s the only person with a better gaydar than me

Yusuke: And yet you still haven’t dated Suzui-san.

Ann: SHUT UP ART BOY

Akechi: If we can return to the topic, there has to be an explanation for this. It can’t just be a coincidence that almost everyone we’ve worked with is queer.

Futaba: ren and I have a working theory about that actually

Futaba: so manifesting personas is about accepting your suppressed desires and your rebellious spirit right

Ren: and what leads to more suppression and rebellion than being part of a marginalized group?

Akechi: I suppose that’s a good point.

Ann: ohhhhhh that makes perfect sense

Ann: Carmen is about destroying the advances of creepy men, that’s queer af when you think about it

Haru: I think my awakening had similar themes as well!

Makoto: That’s a very solid hypothesis.

Futaba: just extend that logic to confidants, who are openly collaborating with us rebels, and everything clicks

Ann: this is why god is afraid of gay people

Ann: we are too powerful

Ren: queer people and one nice politician dad save the world

Ren: more news at 9

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 10, 2017 17:51

Morgana: “Even though I maintain a disciplined diet, I can’t help but treat myself sometimes. This cheesecake at the Seafoam Cafe in Ginza was simply delicious, with a sublime texture and a perfect balance of heaviness and lightness. I’ll definitely be coming here again.”

Ren: morgana what the fuck is that

Ryuji: bro you don’t remember that from the food blog???

Ryuji: im disappointed in u bro

Ren: oh shit the food blog right

Ren: sorry bro

Ryuji: it’s ok bro

Ren: thanks bro

Akechi: Why are both of you intimately familiar with my food blog?

Akechi: And why is the cat posting about it?

Ann: everyone knows about the food blog akechi

Futaba: #7 on my list of top ten in-jokes among the phantom thieves!

Morgana: I only ever got to hear snippets from everyone else since I couldn’t use a computer until recently, so I’m catching up on what I missed.

Morgana: So far, it’s extremely hilarious.

Akechi: I fail to see why this is funny.

Ren: “hi im akechi and im insecure about my status in the public eye so here’s a blog about something I don’t care about to make me #relatable”

Ann: “I’m the second detective prince so obviously I know more about food than everyone else”

Akechi: Neither of those are actual quotes from my blog.

Yusuke: “Taking a walk in Inokashira Park with takoyaki from a street vendor. Sometimes it’s the little things in life.”

Akechi: ...Unfortunately, that one is an actual quote from my blog.

Futaba: lol he admits it

Sumire: “Nothing grand today, just a 10 ounce New York Strip in a diner. Even detectives still have to study for high school exams.”

Ryuji: lol I keep forgetting you’re as obsessed with academics as makoto

Makoto: At least I wasn’t posting on social media about it.

Ren: makoto was always genuine about being a fucking nerd

Ren: luv u mako

Makoto: <3

Akechi: Well, at least Haru isn’t ganging up on me.

Haru: “This cafe in Shinjuku serves a roast that is one of a kind. The barista did latte art of my insignia without me asking. A bit embarrassing, but it is good to know that I have fans.”

Akechi: Never mind.

Ren: holy shit akechi I just realized you were cheating on leblanc

Ren: I thought I was your personal barista

Ren: I’ve never felt so betrayed

Makoto: May I remind you that Akechi literally tried to kill you.

Ren: yeah but coffee is more important

Ren: also he apologized for the murder thing

Akechi: If I may clarify a few things.

Akechi: Firstly, I am just as disgusted by the text on these posts as you are. I despised every minute of my facade as a sociable young detective and only kept it up out of necessity.

Futaba: murder is a necessity?

Akechi: ...Out of what I thought was necessity at the time.

Futaba: better

Akechi: Secondly, Amamiya, the praise I gave to that coffee restaurant was entirely falsified. In fact, most of the meals I posted about on the food blog were average at best.

Akechi: I deliberately kept quiet about the best places I attended to avoid being swarmed by fans during future visits.

Ren: so you were deliberately taking business away from boss

Ren: I feel even more betrayed

Akechi: Imagine the amount of dishes I saved you from cleaning by keeping Leblanc obscure.

Ren: …

Ren: I love you akechi

Ann: GET A ROOM PLEASE

Futaba: okay but your excuses don’t change the fact that your blog posts sound ridiculous

Akechi: I don’t care if it’s ridiculous, I care that it worked.

Akechi: Besides, now that I know how important my food blog is to you, I know exactly how to get revenge for this embarrassment.

Haru: That doesn’t sound ominous at all!

Akechi: (:

Ryuji: holy shit Akechi just used a smiley

Yusuke: I am deeply concerned for my safety.

Ann: lock your doors everyone

Futaba: crow’s gonna getcha!

Ren: oh come on he hasn’t done a murder in almost a year

Ren: he’s past that by now

Akechi: (:

Ren: if anyone needs me I’ll be boarding up leblanc’s windows

December 10, 2017 20:22

Akechi: “Today’s post on Lesbians Throughout History is about Christina, Queen of Sweden. Not only was she dedicated to the world of academics, there is also significant evidence that she had multiple amorous relationships with various women. One of my favorite historical figures to learn about so far.”

Ren: akechi are you coming out to us

Akechi: I thought it was already very clear that I’m a gay man.

Akechi: But no, I was just reading this interesting quote from a Tumblr page. Rumors say it was run by someone who later became a Phantom Thief.

Ann: makoto

Ren: makoto

Futaba: makoto

Haru: I never knew about this, Mako-chan!

Makoto: Fuck you, Akechi.

Akechi: (:

Ren: makoto how bored were you in middle school

Makoto: I was struggling with my European history class and wanted to find a way to engage with the study material. Things may have gotten… slightly out of hand.

Ryuji: wait did you even know you were a lesbian back then?

Makoto: ...No.

Futaba: ahsdlkjfhlasfhlak

Haru: Adorable!

Haru: You’ll need to tell me about your other favorite lesbians later, Mako-chan!

Makoto: I’ll show you my top ten later <3

Ann: gay

Akechi: You’re one to talk, Takamaki.

Akechi: “okay I know that I’m just a twitter anon but please help im a useless bisexual and have had a crush on my girl best friend for years now ;-; anyone have dating advice”

Ann: THAT TWITTER ACCOUNT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE MY NAME ON IT

Akechi: New users have to authenticate using their phone number. You checked the box that allows contacts to find you, and you used the same phone number for your modeling account and this one.

Futaba: damn that’s kinda impressive

Ryuji: also kinda creepy tho

Akechi: A post on r/nostupidquestions from February 22, 2017. “is it gay if you think all your guy friends are kinda hot?”

Akechi: From user “CaptainSkull69”.

Ryuji: FUCK YOU

Ren: bro that was like two months before you came out to me as bi

Ryuji: yeah I was hella confused bro

Ryuji: thanks for helping me sort it all out

Ren: <3

Futaba: still not as good as anything I could do

Akechi: It doesn’t need to be fancy as long as it works.

Akechi: Speaking of which, a YouTube video from March 2013. “Featherman Figures Episode 77: RETURN OF COFFEE-ZILLA!”

Futaba: WHAT THE FUCK

Futaba: HOW

Akechi: Your GitHub username and the YouTube channel title mention the same Egyptian diety.

Futaba: GOD DAMN IT

Ren: omg tiny futaba made youtube videos with her action figures

Sumire: That is so precious I’m going to explode

Futaba: AKECHI YOU’RE GOING TO KILL MY GF

Akechi: Believe it or not, I don’t think I’ve fully appreciated the satisfaction provided by schadenfreude until today.

Ren: this is genuinely terrifying ngl

Ren: thank god you didn’t dig up any dirt on me

Akechi: Actually, I just found this poem on a website titled “RavenWing33 Poetry” titled “Blacker than My Hair.”

Ren: wait

Akechi: “The void in my heart grows by the day.”

Ren: akechi please don’t do this to me

Akechi: “I wish that this pain would just go away.”

Ren: I won’t make you coffee anymore

Akechi: “The world is an empty place of despair.”

Ren: throwing away the coffee beans right now

Akechi: “A bottomless pit, blacker than my hair.”

Ren: I thought what we had was special

Ryuji: bro were you a fucked up teenager or what

Ren: nah not really

Makoto: You know you can always talk about it with us if you need to.

Ren: no it's good

Ren: I probably wrote this after I tripped and bruised my knee or something

Ann: LOL

Haru: Don't feel too embarrassed, Ren. I quite liked the poem!

Ren: haru you don’t need to pretend

Haru: I’m not pretending. It wasn’t a good poem, but you can tell it was genuine! I learned something about you today that I didn’t know before.

Ren: oh

Ren: oh wow :0

Ren: haru you’re the best

Haru: <3

Ryuji: hey don’t go sleeping on yourself either ren!

Ryuji: you really helped me come to terms with my sexuality and I’ll always be grateful for that

Ren: bro you’re so welcome

Ryuji: bro anytime

Sumire: I think Akechi was trying to embarrass us, but most of this stuff is actually really wholesome!

Sumire: I might want to watch some of those action figure videos, Futaba.

Futaba: wait really???

Sumire: Definitely! I want to learn what my girlfriend was like when she was little.

Futaba: omg i love you

Sumire: (◕‿◕)♡

Ann: yeah I agree with sumire!!!

Ann: like, it’s embarrassing that I can’t deflect about my crush on shiho anymore

Ann: but it’s also a relief too???

Ann: all the shame is gone because of akechi!

Ren: I’ll be your wingman anytime ann

Ann: heck yeah!

Makoto: If Haru thinks my teenage lesbianism was cute, than I can’t really be too upset.

Ryuji: ain’t just Haru hun

Ryuji: that tumblr seems so wholesome

Makoto: Thank you, Ryuji. :)

Akechi: Wait a minute.

Ann: LOL

Ren: did we just ruin akechi’s master plan by being too nice to each other

Futaba: phantom thieves win with the power of friendship!

Akechi: This seems decidedly unfair.

Morgana: Always be prepared for a heist to backfire!

Ryuji: and also, since we’re being totally wholesome and everything

Ryuji: we didn’t read your food blog because we hated you Akechi

Akechi: I somehow doubt that.

Ann: no really!

Ann: the reason it’s so funny to us is because it’s so different from the akechi we know

Makoto: It’s evidence that you are one of the most complicated people on the planet.

Ren: a small piece of our tsundere detective friend :3

Futaba: tsunderekechi!

Akechi: ...I suppose that assuming that the Phantom Thieves operated on the principle of malice was a mistake.

Ren: sorry akechi we all kinda like you

Sophia: You’re quite fun to text with!

Ann: now that you’ve stopped doing murders you’re pretty chill :)

Futaba: phantom thieves group hug with akechi?

Akechi: Oh god.

Akechi: I’m putting my phone away before I get hurt.

Akechi: Good night, everyone.

Sumire: Aww the chat client says he’s offline o(TヘTo)

Ryuji: don’t worry we’ll hug that bitch someday

Ren: SECOND PANCAKE PARTY AT LEBLANC NEXT WEEK

Ryuji: FUCK YEAH PANCAKES BABY

Makoto: You’re all hopeless, and I love all of you for it.

Ren: <3

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 12, 2017 20:14

Yusuke: Ren, Haru, Makoto, Akechi, Sumire, Ryuji, Ann, Futaba, Yusuke.

Ren: is this list an abstract art project yusuke

Yusuke: No, although that sounds like a marvelous idea.

Yusuke: This is my ordered ranking of who out of the original Phantom Thieves would survive the longest in a zombie apocalypse, with the best candidates at the top.

Ren: yusuke this is genius and I love you

Ann: any reason for this particularly morbid topic?

Futaba: yeah, we were watching zombie land saga

Yusuke: Seeing the zombie idols integrate into human society so successfully made me wonder how we would fare if we had to do the reverse.

Ryuji: what kinds of gruesome anime are you showing him futaba

Haru: You’ve got the wrong idea, Ryuji. It’s a wholesome show with great songs!

Futaba: and some very grim humor :)

Akechi: That’s not exactly reassuring.

Futaba: there’s also a canonically trans character

Akechi: Ah. Carry on, then.

Makoto: Back to the list, I have to say that I strongly disagree with Ren being first instead of Haru or me.

Akechi: On the contrary, I agree with Haru being below Ren, and think she should be below Niijima as well.

Makoto: Excuse me?

Akechi: While Haru does have the skills to handle combat well and survive in the wild, she lacks the ruthlessness to actually do harm to other humans that threaten her.

Haru: That’s extremely unfair. I can be malicious when I want to!

Akechi: When standing up to villains or Shadows, certainly. But I suspect you would be stuck in moral gridlock in an ethically ambiguous situation involving other people, since you tend to be conflict-avoidant and, as I think Makoto said once, “just want everyone to be friends”.

Haru: I disagree, and you can’t prove otherwise.

Sumire: You always use self-checkout at grocery stores instead of going to a cashier.

Haru: I’m just helping essential workers!

Ann: you cried when the witch of the waste became a good person in Howl’s Moving Castle

Haru: It’s a very emotional movie!

Futaba: you love fighting in the metaverse but can’t play skyrim because you think the mudcrabs are too cute to kill

Haru: ...Okay, you may have a point.

Haru: Makoto should be first, then.

Ren: why do neither of my lesbian senpais have faith in me

Makoto: I’m legally obligated to have faith in my girlfriend.

Haru: Same here!

Yusuke: For what it’s worth, I placed Ren first because of his unnatural luck and resourcefulness, as well as his leadership skills.

Ryuji: okay but counterargument: he does something stupid and dies within the first week

Ann: he shouts “hey guys watch me jump out a window” and jumps out, fucks up the landing, twists his ankle, and the zombies eat him immediately

Ren: slander in the group chat

Sumire: I think we’re forgetting that Makoto would sacrifice herself to save any attractive woman she meets.

Makoto: Completely untrue.

Haru: Completely true!

Futaba: asjdfhlajksddfhklajkf

Ann: LMAO

Akechi: Emotional attachment is more likely to be this group’s downfall than anything else.

Yusuke: That is why you’re fourth on the list, Goro.

Akechi: Excuse me?

Akechi: I thought ruthlessness was a good thing in a situation like this.

Futaba: the problem is you’d be TOO ruthless

Futaba: you backstab someone the second it benefits you and then they’d sabotage you back

Futaba: death by player kill

Akechi: If you think that’s true, then you’re a fool.

Ren: actually she’s the hermit

Futaba: booooooooooo

Ann: get off the stage!!!

Akechi: Do you have to make a joke about the Arcana every chance you get, Amamiya?

Ren: yes, next question

Ann: I think I get the placements for Sumire, Ryuji, and me, but isn’t it kinda mean to have Yusuke and Futaba at the bottom?

Yusuke: It is simply an accurate reflection of our capabilities.

Futaba: that’s bullshit because I should be ranked last and inari knows it

Ryuji: you sound awfully excited about being eaten by zombies

Futaba: I’m gonna die the way I lived

Futaba: curled up in a blanket watching anime

Ryuji: nice

Yusuke: While Futaba would struggle to survive alone, the technology prowess she would offer to a capable group would give her entire party a much higher chance of survival overall.

Ren: so low floor high ceiling?

Yusuke: To put it succinctly, yes. Compared to my lack of practical skills making my potential offerings to a group extremely weak.

Futaba: I think inari is being unfair to himself >:(

Yusuke: I appreciate the sentiment, but there’s no need to be overly kind.

Yusuke: I wouldn’t survive ten seconds at an anime convention, let alone an abandoned city.

Haru: I agree with Futaba. Everyone would bring something important to the table. You can’t underestimate the importance of art for remaining sane!

Ren: extremely true haru

Ren: the best survivor would be the entire phantom thieves in a group together

Ren: we’d make a zombie cure within six months

Ann: so true bestie

Makoto: Maybe the real apocalypse was the friends we made along the way.

Sumire: Group bonding apocalypse!

Futaba: wait enough zombie talk I just realized something

Ren: what if I want to talk about zombies

Futaba: no

Ren: >:(

Makoto: This is what you get for being inscrutable whenever we ask you anything.

Ren: >>>>>:0

Futaba: anyway inari mentioning an anime convention made me realize

Futaba: that I haven’t been to an anime convention yet!!!

Ren: oh shit neither have I

Makoto: I really liked shonen anime as a kid, but I was always too embarrassed to ask Sae to go to a con.

Haru: My father’s security would have never let me go.

Ryuji: ann and I weren’t really into the stuff until futaba hyped us up

Yusuke: The same applies for me.

Sumire: All the good cons fall on training days for gymnastics ;~;

Morgana: In my defense, I was only born two years ago.

Ren: only morgana is without sin

Ren: (also haru and taba but that’s a given)

Futaba: soph when’s the next anime convention in tokyo?

Sophia: There’s a big one next week in Odaiba. Tickets are still available.

Futaba: HECK YEAH BITCHES WE’RE DOING THIS

Ryuji: LET’S FUCKING GO

Yusuke: Contrary to my previous joke, I think going to the convention with all of you would be wondrous.

Ren: I love this idea

Ann: any objections???

Sumire: Will there be yuri merch there Futaba?

Futaba: abso-fucking-lutely

Futaba: we’ll get you a Bloom Into You print

Sumire: I’m so fucking in!

Ryuji: holy shit sumire swore

Sumire: You’re all very bad influences.

Ren: (:

Sophia: Can you show me around with your phone again, Ren?

Ren: yup

Sophia: Yay :D

Akechi: If you’re all going, I suppose I should as well.

Ren: you know akechi

Ren: it’s an anime con but they probably have tokusatsu merch too

Ren: kamen rider, metal hero

Ren: featherman…

Akechi: I’m going and none of you can stop me.

Futaba: LOL

Makoto: I think it’s a date, then!

Haru: Yup!

Ann: WAIT GENIUS IDEA

Ann: WE SHOULD COSPLAY

Futaba: ANN THAT IS BRILLIANT

Ren: love it

Ren: everyone doesn’t have to dress up but it’s highly encouraged

Ren: I expect great things from you goro

Akechi: Hell no.

Ren: I’ll bet someone 1000 yen that akechi will dress up as a featherman character

Futaba: I’m putting my rich people money in the pot

Akechi: You two are infuriating.

Akechi: And what’s the point of a bet when it’s not even your money anyway?

Ren: it’s never about the money goro

Ren: it’s about honor

Futaba: making a claim and sticking to it

Ren: fulfilling your end of a blood oath

Futaba: honoring a promise with your dying breath

Akechi: Nothing you say is going to make me buy a costume.

Ann: are you sure goro-kun? I just found the cutest onesie of the fairy tale cat and it’s exactly your size~

Akechi: DEAR GOD TAKAMAKI.

Futaba: aaaaaand he’s offline

Ren: an application of “goro-kun” to the jaw ends the round with a knockout!

Yusuke: Any words from Takamaki Ann, our new boxing champion?

Ann: I’m coming for you next, Niijima!

Makoto: Ann, did you know I can bench press 180 pounds?

Ann: please don’t hurt me mom

Makoto: >:)

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 15, 2017 18:03

Ann: okay can I ask y’all a big favor for the anime convention tomorrow

Akechi: I am not wearing that onesie, Takamaki.

Ann: that wasn’t the favor but I’m glad you’re still thinking about it!

Ann: I told shiho about it and she wants to come and also I have a totally adorable costume idea for the both of us

Ann: is it okay if she goes with us? please???

Ryuji: why do you think we’d say no?

Haru: I’ve wanted to spend more time with Shiho since I met her during spring break!

Ren: the phantom thieves will never say no to another bisexual

Ren: speaking of which mishima isn’t sure about her sexuality yet but she’ll be at the con tomorrow

Ren: she said she’s probably going to be exploring alone but wants to say hi

Makoto: Sounds fine to me.

Yusuke: We should get all your Confidants there, Ren. We could even take a group picture.

Sumire: omg think about how cute some of the confidants would be in costume!

Ren: iwai as sanji from one piece

Ann: kawakami as the teacher from Nichijou!

Futaba: yoshida in a boruto cosplay :)

Makoto: Fucking hell, Futaba.

Sumire: I’m covering my eyes in shame (￣ε(#￣)

Ryuji: that's fucked up taba

Futaba: wtf ryuji i thought we were bros bein hoes

Ryuji: bros bein slightly terrified hoes

Futaba: i’ll accept it

Ryuji: nice

Ren: anyway I’m going to go pour bleach between my ears to purify myself after what my sis said

Ren: we’re meeting three blocks south of the convention center in Odaiba at 11 am don’t be late

Ren: good night

“Jeez, when are the others going to get here?” Ann asked as she rubbed her hands and moved closer to the impromptu huddle a few of the Phantom Thieves had formed in the cold streets of Odaiba. They were standing on a sidewalk with a fair bit of foot traffic from businessmen as well as costumed con attendees, but despite the numerous bodies there wasn’t enough warmth to go around. “We’re going to freeze to death in our cosplays son.”

“Your fault for wearing a short skirt,” Ryuji said as he bounced on the balls of his feet.

“You’ve got no right to complain in your Fullmetal Alchemist costume,” Ann said, looking at his long coat and pants with jealousy. “Edward’s outfit is great for this weather.”

“It’s called bein’ practical,” Ryuji said with a shrug. “And you’re wearing a coat over your costume right now anyway.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not freezing!”

“It’s going to be so worth it, though,” Shiho said with a smile warm enough to melt an ice skating rink. “Ann and I are going to steal the show as Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus.”

“We absolutely are,” Ann said as she grabbed Shiho around the waist and squeezed, the cold temporarily forgotten. “Nobody cuter than us two!”

“I think Futaba might give you some competition in her Story of Seasons farmer outfit,” Sumire said with a grin. “I might be biased, though.”

“Extremely biased,” Futaba said in response as she tugged on the male protagonist’s jacket she was wearing. “I’m just trying to look like a farming gremlin. You’re the one in the adorable overalls.”

“We’re both really cute, then,” Sumire said as she poked Futaba’s nose. Futaba growled back with a playful smile of her own.

“Good day, everyone,” a voice said from behind. The group turned around and saw a red-faced Yusuke approaching in civilian clothes. He quickly inserted himself into the group and folded his arms with a shiver. “I wish my affinity for ice worked outside the Metaverse.”

Closely following was Akechi, who stopped within two feet of the huddle. “That’s not how it works, Yusuke, and you know it.”

“A man can dream,” Yusuke said wistfully.

Ann looked at Akechi’s coat and slacks with disappointment. “I’m disappointed you didn’t dress up, Akechi.”

Akechi shrugged. “I strongly considered buying a costume, but then I realized that doing so would have let Amamiya win his bet.”

“Another thousand yen!” Futaba shouted with a throaty voice, fist raised.

Ryuji looked up from the huddle suddenly and waved a hand in the air. “Hey, Haru and Makoto! Over here!”

The couple noticed the group and cut through the street traffic to make their way over.

“Wow, you two went all out!” Sumire said, admiring their costumes as they joined the group.

Haru was wearing the combat uniform for Adora from the new She-Ra television series, while Makoto had donned the red jumpsuit and cat ears that belonged to Catra. Both looked custom-tailored to their wearers. Haru blushed when she noticed the amazed looks the others were giving them. “It’s nothing, really. I had a bit of extra time yesterday, so I made sure to get the details right on the outfits.”

“She did my makeup this morning too,” Makoto said, turning her face to show off the newly-added freckles and scratches.

“So we’re just missing Ren,” Ryuji said, counting off the Thieves on his fingers. “Where’s you bro, ‘Taba?”

“He’s deliberately stalling,” Futaba said with a sigh. “Ran into a restaurant bathroom to change into his costume. He said it’s going to be his ‘Last Surprise’ or something.”

The group collectively rolled their eyes.

“As much as I appreciate that the public cognition decided our battles should have cool background music,” Makoto said, “I never want to hear another pun about it again.”

Suddenly all their phones buzzed. Sumire pulled hers out of her pocket.

“It’s from Ren,” she said. “He says, ‘I’m literally sitting in the restaurant you’re all standing next to.’”

They all turned to look through the window, only to turn again as the door opened as a lanky figure stepped out in a billowing black trenchcoat, heeled boots, and a black-and-white mask.

“Jesus Christ,” Akechi said with a grimace as he saw Ren’s shit-eating grin. “Are you some kind of buffoon?”

“What do you mean?” Ren said as he walked up with his arms raised in a dramatic shrug. “I’m just a cosplayer dedicated to my craft.”

“At least he didn’t bring Morgana,” Ann suggested hopefully.

A muffled “Hey, guys!” could be heard from underneath Joker’s getup.

Akechi groaned. “You’re going to be the death of us."

“Probably.” Ren grabbed Akechi’s jacket and pulled the former detective into the huddle with him. “Alright, let’s go over the game plan.”

“This isn’t a Metaverse mission,” Akechi said gruffly as he tried to pry Ren’s hand free from his coat collar.

“It’s even more important,” Ren said with a nod. “Simple game plan, though. We enter together, split into our planned groups for a few hours, then regroup at 3 to see if we want to stay or leave.”

“Me, Sumire, and Yusuke will stick together!” Futaba said while holding both of their hands.

“The girlfriends and the girl friends are ready to go!” Ann said with a cheer.

“And the third group will be Ryuji, Akechi, Sophia, and me,” Ren said.

A familiar chirp emerged from Ren’s pocket. “Hello, everyone!”

“Hey Sophia!” Ann said with a broad smile.

Ren squirmed as a bulge shifted around underneath his coat. “Also the cat,” he added quickly.

A threatening mew emanated from his stomach area.

“You’re the one who wanted to come,” Ren responded. “Also if you don’t stay quiet you’ll get found out and I can’t get you Featherman merch.”

Nothing but silence this time.

“Alright then,” Ren said as he turned around with a flourish and pointed in the direction of the convention center. “It’s showtime!”

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 16, 2017 12:05

Ren: alright checking in to make sure we got into the con with our groups

Ren: also apologies for the dramatics, I haven’t been in these clothes for so long and I got caught up in the moment

Yusuke: That’s perfectly understandable.

Ryuji: as long as we get to tease you about it later

Ren: fire away bro

Ryuji: will do bro

Makoto: Our group is good! We’re going to be checking out some of the merch stands first.

Futaba: i’m taking yusuke and sumi up artist alley in just a sec :)

Ren: Then the plan’s ready to go.

Ren: Let’s show them what we’re made of!

Ryuji: bro you just switched into Joker mode again

Ren: fuck sorry

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 16, 2017 13:12

Akechi: I just had the most unpleasant experience.

Futaba: did a stranger call you an asriel kinnie

Akechi: Worse.

Akechi: I came across someone cosplaying as myself.

Ann: ewwwwww

Ren: it was extremely surreal

Ren: dude looks at goro, recognizes him, runs up and goes “I’m your biggest fan”

Ren: akechi is mortified and tells the dude he’s a fucking prick

Ryuji: cosplayer actually started crying lmao

Sumire: That seems quite mean, Senpai.

Akechi: I cannot describe the antipathy I feel towards anyone that still admires my public persona.

Futaba: yeah robin hood was kinda cringe

Akechi: Not what I meant, Futaba.

Futaba: >:)

Ren: anyway I hope you’re all having better luck than akechi atm

Ann: other than makoto punching someone everything is going great!

Ren: makoto.

Ryuji: makoto!

Sumire: Mom!

Makoto: In my defense, they were trying to flirt with Haru.

Ren: nvm carry on

Haru: I think it was an overreaction, but I’m glad she’s protective!

Ryuji: very in character for catra to punch someone coming onto her gf

Makoto: Please don’t describe it like that.

Sumire: Well, I’m glad our group hasn’t been doing any punching, at least.

Haru: How many art pieces have you bought, Yusuke?

Yusuke: None, actually.

Yusuke: I came to the artist alley in search of work with excellent anatomical form and technique. I’ve found much work that fits that description.

Yusuke: Unfortunately, all of said art has been extremely risque.

Ann: oof

Ryuji: yeah for some reason most of the good fan artists draw porn

Sumire: We’ll find something for him eventually, though!

Sophia: I can survey the online portfolios of all the artists at the conventions to find something appealing for you, Yusuke!

Yusuke: I would appreciate that deeply.

Ann: glad to see a plan come together!

Ann: anyway gtg Shiho just spotted some Laid-Back Camp merch

Ann: can’t wait to see my Sailor Neptune in a cute beanie <3

Ren: gay

Ann: you know it~

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 16, 2017 13:57

Ren: why does akechi get the fanboys and not me

Ren: where are my phan-boys

Futaba: if you wanted to meet fans you should’ve gotten a booth

Ren: oh yeah that sounds like a great idea

Ren: just put up a giant sign saying “meet a real phantom thief”

Ren: bet that would go over real well with security

Akechi: Don’t get any ideas while you’re away from the rest of us, Amamiya.

Haru: You aren’t with the rest of your group, Ren?

Ren: it turns out that boots with heels hurt a lot more to wear in real life than in the metaverse

Ann: welcome to the expectations of womanhood ren <3

Ren: how the fuck do y’all do it

Haru: Lots of practice!

Sumire: A good sense of balance helps.

Futaba: give up and wear converses

Ren: see I like my sister’s approach

Futaba: <3

Ren: don’t worry it’s not a big deal

Ren: I’m just chilling at concessions and shoving takoyaki into my jacket for morgana to eat

Ren: once my feet feel better I’ll get him some featherman merch

Ren: he says “meow”

Sumire: Does that mean Sophia isn’t getting to explore with you right now?

Ren: nah she hopped onto akechi’s phone

Sophia: Akechi’s phone is very cozy, and he’s been very helpful at making sure I get a good view of everything.

Akechi: You’re welcome, Sophia.

Sophia: This whole place is amazing!

Sophia: I knew there was a lot of Fullmetal Alchemist merch, but I never thought I’d see so much of it in one place!

Makoto: Ryuji, please do not spend your entire savings on anime figures.

Ryuji: relax makoto I’m only getting a few nendoroids

Makoto: ...I’ll allow it.

Akechi: Please text me when you’re about to look for Featherman merch, Amamiya. I’d like to come with.

Ren: I’ll help you get your pink argus merch dw

Futaba: lol akechi’s favorite is pink argus???

Futaba: thought you’d prefer a swordfighter

Akechi: Her combat technique is the most dynamic out of the entire cast by far.

Futaba: whatever you say twink

Akechi: I’m going to ignore that.

Akechi’s Phone

December 16, 2017 14:22

Ren: alright I’m good to go, come over to concessions

Akechi: That took you quite a long time.

Ren: I was really hungry and my feet hurt like hell

Ren: also something else happened involving a mysterious twink but I’ll tell you about it later

Akechi: That’s extremely cryptic, but I’ll let it go for now.

Akechi: Sophia has already scouted out where the best tokusatsu merchandise is.

Ren: hell yeah thanks sophia

Sophia: <3

Akechi: God, I still need to get used to that.

Akechi: I’ll be over with Ryuji in five minutes.

PHANTOM WEEBS

December 16, 2017 15:07

Ren: alright do we want to do an in-person checkin somewhere or should we just check in via text?

Ann: I think text is fine tbh

Ann: our group is doing great! we’re happy to stay for a while longer

Makoto: Haru and I just saw a row of model weapons we want to examine.

Haru: They’re so sharp and shiny.

Ryuji: lol

Ryuji: dragon mom haru with her hoard of swords

Haru: And I’m not ashamed of that!

Makoto: Hot.

Futaba: makoto go to horny jail

Sumire: I think our group is doing alright. We managed to get Yusuke some great art pieces, too!

Yusuke: Sophia and Sumire did a great job assisting me.

Sophia: You’re welcome, Yusuke.

Ren: I think we’re all good to stay, too

Ann: wow even akechi?

Ren: he’s currently busy finding the best pink argus figure money can buy

Futaba: nice

Ren: let’s keep going then, I’ll keep checking in every hour or so

Ren: Joker out!

Ren: oh fucking hell

December 16, 2017 20:41

Ren: I AM FINALLY FREE FROM THE HEELS THANK GOD

Ren: everyone else get back home safely?

Makoto: Me and Haru are back at the mansion.

Ann: dropped shiho off and went home <3

Ryuji: can’t believe you didn’t stay the night

Ann: romance is a long journey sakamoto

Ryuji: tell me about it

Sumire: Back at home with a few new manga and an adorable poster!

Yusuke: I managed to haul all of my art purchases home with Akechi’s help.

Akechi: Don’t mention it, Yusuke.

Ren: looks like we’re good then

Ren: anyway soph please raid everyone’s phones for the pictures I know they took of their merch

Akechi: That seems like a violation of privacy.

Sophia: Done!

Sophia posted 15 photos

Futaba: faster than speedy gonzalez

Ryuji: the fastest AI in all japan

Sophia: (ﾉ∀`♥)

Ren: damn yusuke that is a lot of art, good selection too

Makoto: I approve of your figurine choices, Ryuji.

Ryuji: hell yeah

Haru: You and Shiho are so cute in the Sailor Moon poses, Ann!

Ann: uwu

Futaba: hey only I get to uwu in weebs chat!

Ann: uwu

Futaba: >:(

Haru: I’m also very glad Ren’s group got a picture with Yuki.

Ren: yeah her raphtalia cosplay was great

Ren: also you should’ve seen the look on her face when she realized akechi was with us

Ren: may have forgotten to tell her that he was alive

Futaba: lmao

Ryuji: speaking of Akechi, holy shit that figure he bought literally costs 50 thousand yen

Ryuji: how is the former murderer high rolling like this

Akechi: In exchange for my silence regarding the Shido affair, the Japanese government is providing me with a stipend that is, frankly, far too generous.

Makoto: Sae must’ve pulled some magic to get that set up.

Akechi: She does her job well.

Ren: akechi just fucking pulls out a debit card and casually buys the fig in front of me

Ren: meanwhile my wallet is completely empty

Akechi: If you’re that poor, Amamiya, I can share some money with you in the near future.

Ren: deal

Ann: love to see the boyfriends sharing money~

Futaba: amamiya ren gets into findom

Ren: ew

Akechi: CHRIST.

Sumire: FUTABA!!!

Ryuji: how are you so fucking cursed taba

Futaba: it’s a talent

Chapter Text

Akechi’s Phone

December 18, 2017 01:04

Ren: hey u up

Akechi: Just thinking about Shido and waiting for my prescription sleeping pills to kick in.

Ren: I have something kinda important to talk about but don’t wanna weigh you down

Ren: tell me if it’s a bad time

Akechi: It’s always a bad time, Amamiya. But go ahead.

Ren: okay so

Ren: anime convention

Ren: you ever have a twink sit down next to you at an concession stand

Akechi: No.

Ren: firstly, let me finish

Ren: secondly, what the fuck was us eating pretzels together at dome town then

Akechi: You’re more than a “twink” to me, Amamiya.

Ren: love you too

Akechi: You said this was important.

Ren: yeah sorry

Ren: twink sits down, looks me in the eyes

Ren: says “I’m glad the Fool’s Journey went well for you”

Ren: then stands up and leaves

Akechi: Oh.

Ren: yeah

Akechi: Oh shit.

Akechi: What did they look like?

Ren: twink obviously, blue hair, blue peacoat, blue hat

Ren: really color coordinated outfit

Ren: maybe it was just an anime cosplay tho

Akechi: ...

Akechi: I’m afraid that was not a cosplay.

Akechi: You were speaking to Shirogane Naoto, the first Detective Prince.

Ren: shit

Ren: SHIT

Akechi: This is what you get for calling them a twink.

Ren: how is that related to this situation at all

Akechi: That was a joke, Ren.

Ren: oh

Ren: jeez I need to learn to read sarcasm over text

Ren: anyway

Ren: I assume neither of us are thinking this was a coincidence

Akechi: I’m already working on getting a hold of him. I have an acquaintance who may be a point of contact.

Ren: don’t kill him goro

Akechi: I don’t kill people anymore, Ren.

Akechi: I’m just going to try to determine exactly how much he knows.

Akechi: And possibly threaten him slightly.

Ren: didn’t you look up to this prince until like ten minutes ago?

Akechi: While I may have leaned into the media calling me the second Detective Prince for publicity purposes, my feelings towards Shirogane were rather banal besides an admiration for his reported skills.

Akechi: Anyway. I’m the detective here, so let me handle them myself. I’ll be in touch if there’s any updates.

Ren: thanks

Ren: I was actually kinda terrified about this whole situation so I appreciate you taking point

Akechi: It’s not a problem.

Ren: stay safe

Akechi’s Phone

December 18, 2017 09:13

Akechi: I believe this is the phone number of a certain Shirogane Naoto?

Akechi: You met with one of my friends recently.

Naoto: WAS WAITING 4 THIS MSSG

Akechi: Then I assume you know what I’m enquiring after.

Naoto: OF COURSE

Naoto: SURPRISED IT’S U & NOT AMAMIYA

Akechi: You and I need to meet.

Naoto: IM IN TOKYO UNTIL NEXT WEEK. PICK TIME/PLACE

Akechi stepped into Crossroads and scouted out the dimly lit room. The place was as empty as you would expect it to be at 3 in the afternoon, with the only occupants being Lala herself and another regular customer in the corner. Akechi still disliked the mild smell of alcohol in the bar—it reminded him of some of his father’s haunts—but the situation seemed acceptable enough. It seemed unlikely Shirogane would have gone to the effort of hiring a Crossroads regular to sabotage the meeting, and even more unlikely that Lala would accept regulars who would betray her trust.

He made his way to the bar area and took a stool. Lala walked up to him with a curious smile. “Quite the time of day for you to be here, boy.”

Akechi met her gaze without any humor. “I’m meeting someone here. Needs to be discreet for both of us. Thieves business.”

Lala’s expression tensed up. “I’ll make sure of it. Who are you meeting with?”

“Shirogane Naoto.”

Her eyes sparkled at the mention of the name—Akechi was certain she was aware of their shared public name—but she only nodded. “I’ll keep things locked down here.”

“Thank you.”

Akechi allowed Lala to do what her end of things required, which apparently included placing a glass of milk with ice in front of him. He took a sip and stared at the back wall of the bar. A year ago, he would have found it hard to believe that Ren had worked here, but at this point he was more surprised to learn about things that Ren hadn’t done.

Akechi reached into his coat instinctively, then remembered that he wasn’t allowed to carry a firearm anymore.

After another ten minutes of waiting, the door swung open quietly. Akechi looked over and there he was. Just like Ren had said—slender build, a well-maintained blue peacoat, and the same hat they’d worn back in their earlier days as the first Detective Prince.

Shirogane’s expression was as calm as Akechi’s, although both of them knew how little that meant. “Akechi.”

“Shirogane.”

He took the seat to the right of Akechi and took a look at Lala, who had returned behind the bar. “Do we need to worry about her?”

“Consider her an accomplice,” Akechi said.

Shirogane nodded. “In that case—”

“I’ll be the one talking here, Shirogane.” Akechi turned and shot daggers into Naoto’s eyes. Years of practiced composure were the only thing keeping Akechi from snarling. “How the fuck do you know about the Arcana?”

Naoto raised their hands warily. “No need to be so aggressive.”

“No need?” Akechi gave out a short bark. “Every time someone outside of the group was able to discover their identities as the Phantom Thieves, our entire operation was compromised.”

Akechi didn’t mention that he had done some of the compromising.

Somehow the comment made Shirogane look more comfortable instead of intimidating them. They put their hands in their pockets. “Fair point.”

“Then tell me why I shouldn’t knock you out right now.”

“Well, first of all, because your movements are being watched by the Japanese government.”

Akechi faltered slightly. Shirogane was the first person to know that outside of the people who helped arrange his rehabilitation. Still, he should have been prepared for that response—of course a detective would have come to this meeting with as much information as possible.

Shirogane didn’t acknowledge Akechi’s hesitation. “Second, because any efforts I make to expose the Thieves would certainly be stopped before they could get anywhere. I’m aware of the Medjed incident.”

“Well, I’m glad you have some sense.” The Prince was aware of his limits. Akechi let his shoulders relax.

“And third, because I no longer have access to the Metaverse or my Persona.”

Akechi’s eyes widened for a moment as the full implications set in. If Shirogane knew what a Persona was, that meant they potentially knew everything about the Thieves. But then why was he so casual about it?

Akechi reset his demeanor carefully. He couldn't give Shirogane the upper hand in the conversation. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Ren rarely discussed the Arcana during his journey, so anyone aware of it would probably know about the cognitive world as well.”

“Really?” Naoto looked away. “Our team was all aware of the Arcana as soon as we received our Personae. We needed to use tarot cards to summon them, after all.”

“A difference between your group and ours, I suppose.” As was Personae, but Akechi didn’t feel the need to mention that.

Akechi reached for the glass of milk, remembered it was milk and not a more professional drink, then pulled his hand back.

Shirogane turned to Lala. “Can I get some of what he’s drinking, ma’am?”

Akechi watched as the bartender filled up another glass of milk and gave it to him. Shirogane took a long drink, put the glass back on the table, and returned to looking at Akechi. “Sorry, thirsty.”

Akechi was taken aback by their almost casual demeanor. Akechi had expected them to be collected, professional, and careful, but there was something else there as well. Confidence? Satisfaction? Calm?

Whatever it was, Akechi didn’t have it.

“Back on topic,” Akechi said to avoid getting carried away by that train of thought. “Why exactly did you contact Amamiya in such a direct manner?”

“Because I was in town. Nothing else to it.”

“So this was for fun?”

“If you had been a bit less paranoid, maybe.” Shirogane smiled slightly. “But no, I suppose I came for another reason. To let you know just how hard it was to find you.”

Akechi shifted in the stool. “What, to brag?”

“Please.” Shirogane brought their hands back to their lap. “The only reason I was able to find Amamiya was because I was already aware that the cognitive world could be accessed by individuals connected with the Arcana. Without that knowledge, it’s all but impossible to connect all the dots necessary to determine who was involved with the Phantom Thieves.”

“So you’re telling me to take it easy.”

“As if you’d accept that.” Shirogane laughed and Akechi couldn’t tell if he was supposed to join in. “No, I’m telling you that your precautions are working exactly as intended. The only people who could know about your identities are people that have already been trusted by the controllers of the Velvet Room, which is as much security as you could hope for. Consider this… a safety inspection.”

Akechi looked at Shirogane carefully. “So you went out of your way to do us a favor.”

“Is that so strange, Akechi Goro?”

Akechi frowned. “I’m not used to receiving help outside of a quid pro quo arrangement.”

“I see.”

Shirogane put his elbow on the bar and looked at Akechi. Akechi felt like he was being peeled apart by their eyes. “You aren’t nearly as detached as you pretend,” they finally said.

Akechi pulled on his glove. “And how would you know?”

“You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something you wanted to protect.” Naoto ran his finger around his glass. “One person, a group of people… Probably both. It’s a common thread among Persona users. Even the ones who don’t feel like they fit in.”

Akechi was silent.

Shirogane smiled politely. He knew when a conversation was over. “Well, unless you have anything else to say, I’ll have to leave. I’m a busy person.”

Akechi turned back towards the wall. “I won’t try to kill you on the way out.”

Naoto’s expression was pensive, almost pitying. They nodded and left Crossroads wordlessly.

The second Detective Prince sat at the empty bar for a long time.

Akechi’s Phone

December 21, 2017 18:03

Akechi: Now that I’ve seen them in person, I will admit that Shirogane Naoto is a twink.

Ren: TOLD YOU

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

December 28, 2017 15:00

Ren: thieves alert

Ren: morgana has been arrested for food crimes

Sumire: I thought we told him to stop trying to put sushi in the Leblanc curry!

Ren: no I actually got him to stop doing that

Ren: he has been arrested for stealing sushi from the shop down the street

Sumire: BAD CAT

Ryuji: figures

Makoto: I am very disappointed in you, Morgana.

Ann: Morgana I can see that you’re online. come in here and explain yourself

Morgana: In my defense, Ren and Futaba both forgot to feed me today.

Makoto: And you didn’t think to ask them to feed you?

Makoto: You are aware that you can talk to them, right?

Morgana: When I get hungry I go completely feral and forget everything but my most primal instincts.

Morgana: This cat-based form is a curse that must be broken!

Ren: unfortunately I haven’t found any transmogrification machines recently

Haru: We shouldn’t be too harsh on him. He was created to be a thief, after all.

Morgana: See? I’m innocent!

Ren: morgana you’re missing the point

Ren: the problem isn’t that you stole sushi

Ren: the problem is that you stole sushi from a small business

Ryuji: bro wtf

Ryuji: now I’m actually disappointed

Haru: Morgana, how could you!

Morgana: It was a moment of weakness!

Haru: The first lesson a Phantom Thief learns is that we never hurt the innocent.

Haru: If you’re going to steal, at least steal from the department stores that are exploiting their workers the worst.

Akechi: I keep forgetting that this woman is a CEO.

Haru: Futaba encrypts these messages, so I’m free to speak openly about the things that matter.

Futaba: freedom of speech in the weebs chat!

Ren: you know, morgana, I do want to apologize for not feeding you earlier

Ren: how about I bring home sushi tomorrow night

Morgana: You don’t have to, but I would appreciate that.

Futaba: hell yeah sushi party at leblanc

Ryuji: can I come over bro I haven’t had sushi in a while

Ren: oh yeah totally

Ren: anyone can come if they’re willing to chip in fish cash

Ann: count me in

Sumire: Eel for me!

Makoto: Haru and I are always down for sushi night.

Yusuke: I will come over if I am not overtaken by my artistic urges.

Akechi: Yusuke, I am taking you with me to Leblanc to make sure you eat.

Futaba: whoa possessive akechi???

Akechi: I may have taken responsibility for making sure Yusuke has a well-balanced diet.

Akechi: He gets food and I get cooking practice, so it’s a fair deal for both of us.

Ann: that’s… actually very nice of you akechi!

Ann: I’m kinda surprised

Ren: our little boy is becoming a man

Haru: They grow up so fast!

Akechi: Haru, I am literally your age.

Haru: That may be so, but only one of us is a CEO.

Akechi: You are literally a socialist trying to remove that position from Okumura Foods.

Haru: Why, thank you, Goro!

Makoto: She won’t be deterred today, Akechi. She just cut executive salaries at the company by 25% and is in a very good mood.

Haru: I do enjoy teasing people sometimes!

Akechi: I can tell.

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

December 30, 2017 08:31

Ryuji: okay is anyone else puking their guts out or is it just me

Yusuke: My stomach pains have been preventing me from sleeping for several hours now.

Makoto: Looks like it’s a group thing. Haru and I are down pretty bad.

Ren: futaba and me also got it

Ren: I can hear morgana retching outside the window

Ren: I think the sushi was kinda sus

Futaba: salmon was an impostor

Ren: thanks for the yen, bug

Futaba: I’M LITERALLY SICK THIS IS SO UNFAIR

Sumire: I haven’t had any stomach-related problems, actually. Sorry for everyone else ;~;

Akechi: I appear to be escaping symptoms as well.

Ann: usually I’m pretty vulnerable to food poisoning but I guess I got lucky today!

Ren: can’t believe I trained all my personas in luck for this

Ren: brb gonna run to the bathroom

Futaba: no wait I’m in the downstairs bathroom ren

Ren: fuck

Ren: hope sojiro isn’t in the upstairs one

Makoto: While our leader is out of commission, I’m going to put together an action plan.

Akechi: Action plan?

Makoto: When one of us is sick, everyone who’s available does something to take care of them. Whether that’s buying cold medicine, putting together a get-well-soon card, or calling into work for them.

Makoto: Today is a unique situation, however. I don’t think we’ve had more than two Thieves sick at once before. Today it’s seven.

Makoto: Looks like Akechi, Ann, and Sumire are on caretaker duty.

Akechi: Hold on a moment. I didn’t sign up for this.

Ryuji: bro you’re in the thieves chat, you already signed up

Haru: With great memes come great responsibility!

Futaba: if you say no I’m going to send you pictures of me and ren doing puppy dog eyes

Akechi: ...I suppose I owe you this much for attempting to save my life.

Ann: nothing like guilt to bring a team together!

Makoto: It’s a Saturday, so work or school schedules shouldn’t be an issue for the three of you, at least.

Ann: actually I do have a modeling gig in the afternoon today :/

Ann: but I’ll make sure I set things up with goro and sumire to pull my weight!

Sumire: I’m making a chatroom for the three of us right now!

Ann: sounds like Operation Post-Tuna Tune-Up is a go!

Akechi: Did you just come up with that name on the spot?

Ann: yeah do you like it?

Akechi: It’s terrible.

Ann: mean >:(

OPERATION POST-TUNA TUNE-UP

December 30, 2017 08:48

Ann: alright gang let’s get started!

Ann: I had everyone message me their requests so I could centralize it in one place

Akechi: Could you post images of their texts in here?

Akechi: That was we’ll all have access to the information.

Ann: oh yeah good idea

Ann sent 4 images

Sumire: So Ren and Futaba need some anti-nausea stuff, plus some bread for Morgana to eat until his stomach settles down and he can handle more complex foods.

Ann: Makoto and Haru are good without medicine, but Makoto said they could use some carbonated beverages to help settle their stomachs

Akechi: Yusuke’s message says he needs drugs as well. I also think he mentioned to me that he just ran out of manga to read, so we should probably get him some to prevent him from going mad while bedridden.

Ann: ooh good catch goro! do you know what series he’s reading right now?

Akechi: I think he’s just returned Volume 12 of Demon Slayer to the library, so we could probably buy volumes 13 and 14 for him.

Ann: noted!

Sumire: Ryuji says his mom is mostly taking care of things on his end, but specifically requested some sports drinks.

Akechi: I doubt Sakamoto needs that much sugar.

Sumire: It’s probably for fixing dehydration issues, but you’ve got a point about the sugar. Maybe just some dissolvable electrolyte tablets?

Akechi: That should work.

Ann: we should get those for everyone else too! losing nutrients from diarrhea or vomiting is a big deal

Akechi: So we’re looking at three sets of cold medicine, one loaf of bread, six sets of electrolyte tablets, and two manga volumes.

Sumire: Other than the manga, it doesn’t look like anything we can’t get at a grocery store or pharmacy.

Akechi: In that case, we can probably divide up the work by region based on where everyone lives, instead of making one person go around all of Greater Tokyo.

Sumire: Good point Goro-senpai!

Akechi: Please don’t call me senpai.

Sumire: Good point Goro!

Akechi: ...Fine.

Ann: dividing it up sounds perfect actually! my shoot today is pretty close to Ryuji’s place in Yokohama so I can take care of his stuff!

Sumire: I’m pretty closen to Yongen-Jaya so I can handle the Sakuras!

Akechi: Yusuke and the lesbians should be close enough to my apartment to work with.

Ann: lol you called them “the lesbians”

Akechi: My meaning was communicated, so I fail to see the problem.

Ann: no it’s not a problem at all! I just thought it was funny

Sophia: I’m sending the three of you the address of the stores nearest to your assigned Thieves with all the items they requested.

Ann: you’re the best soph

Sumire: I think we’re good then? Unless there’s something else, I’ll head to the pharmacy now.

Ann: nope I think that’s everything

Ann: autobots roll out!

Akechi: I refuse to “roll out,” but I will go to the store.

Ann: you know what I’ll take it

Shiho’s Phone

December 30, 2017 13:33

Ren: heyyyyyyyy shiiiiiiiihooooooo

Ren: shiiiii heeeee heeeee HOOOOOO

Shiho: Are you feeling okay, Ren?

Ren: I’m STELLAR

Ren: you and ann are sooooooo gayyyyyyyy

Ren: it’s funny

Ren: hahahaha HAAAHA HAHAHAHAHA

Shiho’s Phone

December 30, 2017 16:27

Ren: oh my god shiho I had food poisoning I’m so sorry

Shiho: Oh, no worries, Ren!

Shiho: And I do find Ann quite attractive, actually.

Ren: YESSSSSSSS

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

December 30, 2017 16:31

Ren: okay I’m back to reality

Ren: pretty sure I saw god

Futaba: jeez you really were spacing out on that couch

Ren: yeah

Ren: but don’t worry I shot him again we’re good

Ann: LOL

Ren: anyway I’m feeling much better thanks to the medicine and the weird dissolvey nutrition wafers

Sumire: They’re electrolyte tablets and me and Goro thought of them!

Futaba: yo shoutout to akechi for being a homie

Akechi: I think that’s a compliment, so you’re welcome.

Makoto: Agreed on the tablets, they helped Haru and I a lot.

Haru: I can look at my phone screen again!

Ryuji: damn haru sounds like you had it bad

Ryuji: glad we’re all feeling better

Yusuke: The supply drop has helped me greatly. The new issues of Demon Slayer were not necessary, but certainly appreciated.

Akechi: I had to make sure you were staying in bed somehow.

Ryuji: shoutout to ann for getting me some snacks for when I’m feeling better! I am eating the rice crackers now tho since my mom said those were fine

Haru: Akechi got us some macarons as well!

Futaba: my girlfriend knows exactly what chips ren and I like :3

Sumire: I’m glad everyone is being taken care of.

Sumire: Now make sure to get lots of rest and drink lots of water!

Ren: what if I don’t want to rest tho

Akechi: Amamiya I will come over to your house and force you into bed.

Ren: kinky

Futaba: asjdhlfkajhfdlkahshl

Ryuji: you walked right into that one akechi

Akechi: This is not the time for a joke like that, Amamiya. In fact, it’s never the time.

Ren: normally I’d disagree but I’m actually too exhausted to flirt

Ren: I’ll be back to peak romantic performance in a few days though

Ren: so wait for me my sweet detective prince

Akechi: My anticipation is palpable.

Ren: what can I say, I’m a charmer ;)

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 3, 2018 18:33

Yusuke: And I saw a star that had fallen from heaven to earth, and he was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit; he opened the shaft of the bottomless pit, and from the shaft rose smoke like the smoke of a great furnace, and sun and the air were darkened with the smoke from the shaft.

Ren: revelations huh?

Yusuke: I’ve been seeking to understand the religious imagery used in art from the Western world. Going to the source seemed like the best start.

Ryuji: oh bro you reading the bible?

Ryuji: you read the part about the dude who got floored by a talking donkey?

Yusuke: ...I have not.

Yusuke: Is the entire Bible that unusual?

Ren: most of the new testament is pretty ordinary but revelations and the old testament go places

Ren: I think you’d get a kick out of ecclesiastes btw

Ann: yeah what is with bible stories anyway?

Ann: like the dude who got eaten by the whale, the dude who never cut his hair, the dude who accidentally married the wrong girl

Futaba: the dude who burned a bunch of priests with fire!

Ann: oh yeah love that dude

Haru: I have to admit that I’ve never read the Bible.

Makoto: Most of us probably haven’t read more than excerpts. I don’t think any of us were raised Christian.

Ren: do you think sae believes in jesus

Makoto: Sae believes in coffee.

Ren: same

Yusuke: I think coffee may not be the best diety to worship, Ren.

Ren: you can’t tell me what to do

Ren: unless you give me a really good reason

Yusuke: I don’t recall seeing a Shadow in the Metaverse that represented the physical embodiment of coffee. Cognitive representations of figures associated with the Abrahamic religions, on the other hand, were plentiful.

Ren: fuck that is a good reason

Ren: jesus worship it is

Akechi: That’s something I was thinking about, actually. There were a significant number of Personas that aligned with Christian or Jewish iconography, and I believe you’ve mentioned a few more that I never saw.

Futaba: yeah you kinda missed out on the big ones

Ren: Michael, Raphael, Metatron, Gabriel, Uriel, Beelzebub, Moloch

Ryuji: also gun dads!

Ren: oh yeah can’t forget gun dads

Akechi: Translation?

Ren: Satan, Lucifer, and Satanael

Akechi: Those names seem… redundant, but sure.

Ren: yeah idk why three of my most powerful personas are Satans 1, 2, and 3

Sumire: You’re just that evil, Senpai!

Futaba: first girl in the world with a devil summoner brother

Yusuke: The connection is truly curious, though. It makes sense that some Shadows in the general cognition would embody Christian mythology, but there seems to be no reason why those shadows are among the most powerful we faced.

Ann: yeah like, why aren’t the shinto dieties higher up there? or buddha?

Ryuji: imagine walking to the bottom of mementos and buddha is just chillin there

Futaba: hey bro wanna reach nirvana inside the collective unconscious?

Ryuji: me and the homies attaining enlightenment beneath tokyo

Morgana: Come to think of it, the false gods we defeated also took on Abrahamic forms as well. The Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant are both significant in Christian imagery.

Ren: I read up on Adam Kadmon and he’s connected to Judaism

Ryuji: does that mean that therapy dad is jesus?

Ren: bro jesus and judaism aren’t related like that

Akechi: Maruki certainly thought he was Jesus for a while.

Ren: maybe maruki was the cognitive jesus

Ren: also why the heck don’t I get a jesus persona

Makoto: Cognitive Jesuses aside, this seems like it lines up too well to be a coincidence.

Akechi: I agree.

Akechi: I suppose a likely explanation is that imagery of the apocalpyse is very strongly associated with Christianity, so when the general cognition was shaped by world-ending danger, it adopted the aesthetic.

Makoto: That seems sensible.

Ren: the alternative is that jesus is real and he hates us personally

Ann: asjdfhlakjsdhflkjashdflk

Futaba: pretty unlikely bro

Ren: I dunno, if I was jesus I’d probably hate the kid hanging out with the devil

Ren: “I had to deal with this bitch’s temptations after starving for 40 days, now some kid walks around with three of him in his back pocket”

Ann: three satans and two cat personas, call it a full house!

Ren: nyaa~

Ren: wait, does this mean I’m allowed to like, use satan to possess people

Akechi: You contain the potential of a cognitive Satan within you, not the actual one.

Ren: what if I think really hard

Akechi: No.

Makoto: I would be inclined to agree with Akechi, but we did kill God three times. I’m not sure if anything is impossible anymore.

Ryuji: oh that’s it, three satans three jesuses!

Futaba: idk that seems like a coincidence?

Ren: probably

Ren: but just in case, official phantom thieves request—if someone shows up and says they’re satan, tell me so we can get prepared to beat up Jesus 4

Makoto: Jesus 4 sounds like a title of a bad action movie.

Ryuji: lol

Sumire: Jesus Junior, fourth in his line, fights to defend his father’s legacy against the thieves that threaten his home town!

Haru: Will he be able to defeat the gay teenagers breaking down his door?

Ann: or will their outfits be too flamboyant for him to handle?

Futaba: in IMAX theaters starting April 9

Ren: tell your friends on social media with #Jesus4

Akechi: To be completely honest, I’m surprised that false gods tend to find you instead of the other way round. Your desire to save the world is… rather persistent.

Ren: you can say we’re annoying goro

Ren: you’re in safe company

Ryuji: lol

Akechi: I would certainly be annoyed if I was Jesus.

Ren: I’m doing something right then

Ren: anyway I’m gonna go see if I can make boils appear on someone’s face with my persona

Ren: ttyl

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 4, 2018 19:41

Sakura Futaba sent a video

Futaba: I demand that you admire my girlfriend’s gymnastics routine

Ren: futaba you need to hold the camera steady next time

Futaba: not my fault I have noodle arms

Ren: fair point

Ren: DID YOU JUST DO AN OLYMPIC LEVEL ROUTINE

Ann: HOLY SHIT SUMIRE

Sumire: Oh god all the attention (/ε＼*)

Sumire: I am very proud of this routine though!

Makoto: You should be! Your hard work and determination are so apparent in the video.

Haru: It’s a beautiful routine, and I love the music choice!

Sumire: (´ω｀*)

Ann: the most agile phantom thief, both inside and outside of the metaverse!

Ren: hold up

Ryuji: asdkjflajkshd

Futaba: you are not a better gymnast than my girlfriend ren

Ren: in the real world? obviously

Ren: in the metaverse? I beg to differ

Ren: I think you’ve all forgotten that double backflip I did in there one time

Sumire: I think you’re forgetting the time I saved you in Sae’s Palace.

Ren: NOT RELEVANT

Morgana: You went to Sae’s Palace? How did I not know about this?

Ren: it wasn’t a big deal, she just killed a few shadows

Sumire: You were surrounded and about to get your ass kicked!

Ren: I have a grappling hook, I’m never surrounded

Ren: anyway I will not be slandered like this

Ren: morgana come over to leblanc’s attic we need to do something

Morgana: ...Okay?

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 4, 2018 19:55

Amamiya Ren sent a video

Ren: just to remind you about what I can do in the Metaverse

Ryuji: bro you need to clean this attic

Ren: no I don’t I don’t sleep here anymore

Ren: anyway you watching?

Ryuji: yeah but you spend 30 seconds setting up the camera

Ryuji: WAIT

Ryuji: TWO STANDING BACKFLIPS IN A ROW?!

Ren: yes this is “FOR REAL”

Futaba: omg morgana’s doing it in sync with you!!!

Futaba: I wanna be upset that you’re trying to usurp my girlfriend but the coordinated backflipping is too cute

Morgana: Cute wasn’t what I was going for, but I’ll accept the compliment!

Yusuke: The connection between man and mammal, demonstrated beautifully.

Sumire: My stuff is more impressive (¬､¬)

Ren: I’m just saying that if we were in the metaverse I could beat you all in a fight

Ann: yeah but were we really disputing that?

Hasegawa Zenkichi uploaded a video

Ryuji: YO GRAMPS!

Futaba: long time no see

Zenkichi: Sorry, my hours at the government agency have been worse than they were in PubSec.

Zenkichi: That video I sent was a test to see if I still got it. I think I passed.

Makoto: But you’re wearing a suit in the preview?

Makoto: Surely you aren’t attempting a gymnastics move in a suit.

Ren: DID YOU JUST DO A BACKFLIP WITH A TIE ON

Zenkichi: Yes, I did.

Ann: damn does this mean zenkichi has swag???

Ren: sophia please ban the word “swag” from this group chat

Sophia: Done!

Ryuji: you’re just upset that gramps has more swag than you

Ryuji: wow that’s low

Zenkichi: I don’t even know what that word means.

Futaba: LMAO

Makoto: Well, whatever it is, looks like Zenkichi doesn’t have it.

Sumire: Wow, that backflip is impressive, Zenkichi! Especially for someone your age, and in such a constraining outfit.

Zenkichi: ...You had to mention the age?

Sumire: It’s very exciting to see people doing backflips.

Sumire: Is there anyone else on the team who can do them?

Ann: I do think that’s everyone, actually :/

Yusuke: I’ve never tried.

Akechi: It’s never something I thought would be necessary. Although I suppose it would’ve been fun on talk shows.

Ryuji: no way I’m agile enough for that

Makoto: You probably are, Ryuji.

Makoto: I expect that everyone on the team except Futaba could do it with their current level of physical activity.

Futaba: hermit baybee

Ann: wait Sumire you should teach everyone!!!

Sumire: ANN YOU’RE A GENIUS

Sumire: I’m free on Saturday so let’s all meet at the fitness center I go to!

Yusuke: Sounds splendid.

Futaba: I get to watch!

Akechi: I was planning on going to the gym anyway, I suppose.

Zenkichi: Make sure you send me videos! I want to see Akechi wipe out.

Ren: will do

Ryuji: yo I’m gonna learn how to backflip???

Ryuji: mom’s gonna be so proud

Ren leaned back against the wall behind the bench he was sitting on and watched his friends jumping awkwardly on the foam mats spread out on the gymnasium floor. The room smelled a bit musty and had a few flickering lights, but the others didn’t seem to mind; they were too busy either listening to Sumire or imitating her form themselves.

Ren had to admit that it was pretty hilarious to watch. Yusuke had landed his first backflip a few minutes ago, and he was currently stuck in a cycle of landing the move unsteadily, being overcome by an expression of artistic epiphany, and then backflipping again. Makoto was the most athletic of the trainees and had figured it out very quickly, so she was leaning against the wall next to the similarly athletic Akechi. The pair watched the remaining trio of Ann, Ryuji, and Haru make their attempts. Ann and Haru looked pretty close to getting it, but Ryuji was still adjusting to the motions.

To make the point, Ryuji made another attempt at the backflip and landed on his butt unceremoniously. “This shit’s hard,” he said as he clambered back onto his feet. “I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it.”

“No way!” Ann said, giving him an encouraging pat on the back. “You’ve definitely got this.”

Sumire nodded from her place on the bench in front of the three. “You’ve improved so much today, Ryuji-senpai!”

Ryuji looked like he was about to tear up. “You guys…”

Ren was surprised that Haru hadn’t said anything. He looked over and saw her face scrunched up in concentration. She squatted slightly, building up tension in her lower body, then jumped up and released all the momentum in a fluid motion, spinning the air and then sticking the landing.

“YO, LET’S GO HARU!” Ryuji shouted.

Futaba cheered from her seat next to Ren on their bench. Makoto eyes widened euphorically for a brief moment, then ran over to her girlfriend and gave her a big squeeze as congratulations. Even Akechi gave Haru a grin that looked so natural that Ren almost did a double take.

“They’re all so impressive!” Sophia said from Ren’s pocket.

Ren was about to ask how she was watching, but then he realized there were probably security cameras in the gym somewhere, so he just nodded. “You should’ve seen them when they were learning the ropes of the Metaverse. They were just as enthusiastic and learned just as quickly.”

Futaba nodded. “We’ve got such a great group here.”

“I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world,” Ren said.

Upon finishing the sentence, a bitter taste suddenly filled Ren’s mouth. He tried to ignore the sickening feeling, to just watch Ann and Ryuji land their backflips in sync, then jump around in celebration like two Jack Frosts, but he couldn’t work up the appreciation he’d normally feel for them.

Bones pierced through the ground and towards the sky. The Thieves felt the blood piling up around their shoes.

“What is this—OH MY GOD!”

Ren turned towards Ann, whose words had been interrupted by a scream. He looked at the hand she was holding up—

It was only half of a hand.

He watched them all fall to the ground and dissolve into nothingness, one at a time. Eventually he fell to his knees, too. He’d expected pain, but this wasn’t pain—it was emptiness. Emptiness and the feeling of failure.

He'd lost all of them.

“Are you okay, Ren?”

Ren looked up. Futaba’s hand was on his shoulder and she was looking into his eyes worriedly. “You zoned out for a minute there.”

He covered his mouth to obscure the wave of nausea hitting him, then glanced over towards the others. They were still in ecstasy about their successful backflips. He hadn’t been out for that long.

“I’m fine, ‘Taba,” he said finally. “Just tired from last night.”

Futaba blinked a couple of times before moving back slowly. “If you say so.”

Ren lowered his hand and flashed her a quick smile, which she returned cautiously. Then he turned to the ceiling and watched the lights flicker again, on and off, like they were about to fizzle out.

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 9, 2018 11:03

Takamaki Ann sent an image

Ann: guess who got a helix piercing???

Sumire: Whoa that looks amazing Ann!

Ren: finally embracing that punk look

Ryuji: looks great ann

Yusuke: The picture of beauty.

Ann: Thanks everyone!!!

Makoto: It definitely looks good.

Makoto: Although a few weeks ago you said you weren’t sure about getting another ear piercing. What made you change your mind?

Ann: wellllll now that you mention it

Ann: I actually took a friend to get their earlobes pierced today and the place does two session for 20% off each, so I figured I might as well get it done while we were there

Ann: killing two birds with one stone!

Haru: Oh, what friend is this? I know Shiho already has her ears pierced

Ann: funny you should ask :)

Takamaki Ann sent an image

Ren: oh my god akechi is getting his ears pierced???

Futaba: yo that’s kinda epic actually

Yusuke: He looks remarkably unhappy in that picture.

Ann: he told me not to take any photos but he can’t stop me while he’s getting the piercing :)

Ryuji: ruthless

Ren: how the fuck did you convince him?

Ann: well I got him to come to grab lunch with me last week and he mentioned that he’d been thinking about it for a while

Ann: and I realized that doing it would be so good for him! like as a way to reclaim his sense of self

Ann: after that I didn’t take no for an answer!

Makoto: Ann, you are a miracle worker.

Ann: the one and only~

Akechi: I still don’t know how I got roped into this.

Futaba: hey twink

Akechi: How is Takamaki so goddamn persuasive?

Ryuji: years of training

Ryuji: I cannot tell you how many things she made me do during middle school

Ren: her secret is that she will never try to convince you to do something you don’t want to do already

Ren: it’s the most wholesome peer pressure possible

Ann: and it’s always for a good purpose!

Akechi: Be that as it may, I would like to correct the record. She did not “get me to come grab lunch with her,” she forcibly pulled me out of the Underground Mall and into a crepe restaurant.

Ann: okay but you looked really hungry!

Akechi: I was, but there is this thing called “consent” that you may have heard of.

Ann: I guess I do get overenthusiastic sometimes...

Haru: Oh, don’t worry Goro, we all know about consent!

Haru: Ren gave us an extended lesson all about it.

Ryuji: jadhlfkajsdhklf

Futaba: HARU DON’T SAY IT LIKE THAT

Haru: What do you mean, Futaba?

Haru: Oh, yes, I see your point.

Akechi: Let me guess, it’s not what it sounds like?

Ren: look you have to understand how bad sex education as shujin was

Ren: I caught two of our members, who will not be named, about to bang after a celebration party, without protection

Ryuji: okay in my defense we weren’t planning on going all the way

Ryuji: wait soph delete that quick please

Sophia: Everyone’s already seen the message, Ryuji.

Ryuji: FUCK

Ren: I tried to protect you bro

Akechi: Yusuke aside, you’re all a hormonal lot, aren’t you?

Ren: whatever twink

Ren: after averting that disaster, I sat everyone down and gave them a sex ed crash course in the attic

Futaba: it was very educational but also extremely funny

Futaba: ren pulls an easel from god knows where and is writing down the big points on it

Futaba: then dad comes up and is like, “What are you kids drawing on that easel?”

Futaba: and ren just looks him directly in the eyes and says “we’re talking about sex, dad”

Ren: excuse me, I didn’t call him dad

Futaba: you started to say dad and immediately recovered your way into “dboss”

Ren: that’s a lie but anyway

Ren: now the phantom thieves know all about sexual intimacy!

Zenkichi: I can’t tell if this is incredibly mature or incredibly ridiculous.

Futaba: yes

Akechi: It’s better than them fumbling along like wildebeests, I suppose.

Ren: oh come on akechi don’t act like you’ve never wanted to bone somebody

Akechi: I object to the coarseness of your description.

Akechi: Anyway, I am going to force a subject change by showing you all a picture of my new piercing.

Akechi Goro sent an image

Ryuji: lookin good goro!

Yusuke: I’m still in disbelief, but I’m very impressed.

Makoto: Good for you, Akechi!

Sumire: I’m so proud of my boy (⋟﹏⋞)

Ren: ...damn that’s kinda hot

Akechi: What?

Ren: what?

Makoto: What?

Ren: uhhhhhh

Ren: morgana just jumped into a trashcan gtg

Zenkichi: You can’t run from your problems, kid.

Ren: sure I can

Ren: see look, I just consented to running away from my problems

Ren: see you later

Futaba: COWARD

Ryuji: we aren’t letting him get away with this right?

Futaba: already saved screenshots of this entire conversation

Makoto: Nice.

Ann: finally we have Ren blackmail!

Akechi: Is making fun of each other a tradition among the Thieves?

Ann: oh extremely

Makoto: A time-honored practice, observed since the early Kamoshida era.

Haru: You can’t go wrong with tradition!

Akechi: I suppose not.

Akechi: Screenshot taken.

Futaba: hell yeah

Ryuji: I’ll add you to the blackmail chat

Ann: one of us!

Futaba: one of us!

Sumire: ONE OF US!

Sophia: ONE OF US!

Ryuji: ONE OF US!

Zenkichi: I really need to stop assuming you kids are mature for your age.

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 12, 2018 15:20

Futaba: y’all aren’t going to believe this

Sakura Futaba sent a video

Ryuji: futaba we all went to kichijoji to play darts you don’t need to show us a vid of the place

Ryuji: wait a minute

Ryuji: oh shit that’s makoto???

Makoto: ...That’s from when Morgana and I went to play darts with Ren.

Makoto: Please tell me that this doesn’t contain video of Morgana throwing darts.

Futaba: this contains video of morgana throwing darts

Makoto: Fuck.

Yusuke: Posted four hours ago and it already has two million views. It appears our cat friend has gone viral.

Ann: okay I should probably be more worried but also holy shit Morgana you’re so cute when you throw darts!!!

Morgana: Thank you, Lady Ann!

Ren: what the fuck

Ren: how worried should I be about this

Makoto: Is there any chance that this might reveal our identities as Phantom Thieves, Futaba?

Futaba: not really?

Futaba: morgana never appeared in cat form in our calling cards

Futaba: and I don’t even think Ren’s face is clear in the video

Morgana: Nobody will think of darts as a Thieves team building exercise, anyway.

Ren: alright in that case I’m giving the all clear

Ren: feel free to be as annoying as possible about this

Ryuji: YO MORGANA YOU THROW LIKE A PUSSY

Morgana: Well, duh. I’m a cat.

Futaba: ajkskjlasdhflajk

Ryuji: oh yeah right

Haru: I think the video is quite adorable!

Ren: don’t let going viral get to your head morgana

Morgana: When have I ever let anything get to my head?

Ren: I’m not gonna answer that

Ren: someone get morgana to stop scratching me these are new jeans

Ann: LOL

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 12, 2018 16:20

Morgana sent 5 images

Morgana: It appears that some people have put two and two together.

Makoto: They recognized your social media profile?

Morgana: I may have uploaded a few pictures of myself taken with my laptop webcam.

Morgana: I deserve to show off my luxurious coat to the entire world, after all!

Ryuji: not like you have anyone to show it off to anyway

Futaba: actually he has 14k followers on twitter

Ryuji: FOR REAL?!

Ann: 500 yen in the “FOR REAL?!” tip jar

Ryuji: worth

Ryuji: how is the cat more popular than everyone except Ann???

Haru: “Gimmick” accounts where people post as cats are quite popular online. I follow a few myself!

Ren: and morgana has a distinctive enough personality to get people interested

Morgana: I work very hard to cultivate my following.

Morgana: You never know when Internet fame can be leveraged for Phantom Thieves business, after all!

Makoto: You’ve put a lot of thought into this.

Ren: not like he has anything else to do

Sumire: Do you think Morgana should tell everyone that he’s the Dart Cat?

Ann: is that what they’re calling him now?

Sumire: He’s already got fanart drawn of him and everything. It’s really adorable!

Yoshizawa Sumire sent 3 images

Yusuke: The dramatic composition combined with the chibi style in the second picture is quite impressive.

Makoto: As long as Morgana doesn’t give out any identifying information, I don’t see why not.

Futaba: I’ve got an custom VPN scrambling his location data constantly so from a digital security perspective we’re safe

Futaba: as long as he doesn’t mention he’s a thief we should be good

Morgana: I swear I won’t reveal our identities.

Ren: I guess this is fine then

Ryuji: yo what if morgana does like an AMA or something

Ann: you mean the Q&A stuff they do on reddit?

Ryuji: yeah I think I’ve seen a few for like, fictional figures and stuff

Ryuji: we just need to get mods on r/IAmA to approve it

Futaba: they’ll probably let us do it if the video goes viral enough

Futaba: only problem is that it requires English fluency

Ann: Want me to translate for you, Morgana?

Morgana: That sounds great!

Ren: morgana if you start monetizing your twitter account I want some of the money for leblanc

Morgana: As long as I get to buy sushi with the rest!

Ren: deal

Morgana: Then the mission is a go!

r/IAmA ● Posted by u/RealDartCat on January 15, 2018 14:00

I’m Morgana, better known as the Dart Cat. Ask me anything!

Hello humans, my name’s Morgana! I post about my life as a black cat on Twitter at @VeryRealMorgana, but you probably know me from a video of me throwing darts in Kichijoji that went viral a few days ago. Here’s a link if you haven’t seen my excellent dart-throwing skills yet.

Proof: https://imgur.com/jubnqh3

I’m agender and use he/him pronouns. Ask me anything!

u/Much-North-2223: What’s your favorite thing about your owner?

u/RealDartCat: He gives really good back scratches!

u/Chuck_It_Real_Good: What’s your least favorite thing about your owner?

u/RealDartCat: He won’t stop making awful jokes at 2 AM!

u/Blanky_Lad_33: how exactly are you typing right now?

u/RealDartCat: My owner’s sibling developed a fancy program that lets me control my computer with my eyes. It’s pretty high-tech stuff!

u/Blanky_Lad_33: oh shoot they wanna share the source code? would love to talk to my cat sometime

u/RealDartCat: Sorry, they said no. And I’m the only cat smart enough to use it, anyways!

u/notrealbdg: When will the Dartening start?

u/RealDartCat: When they make me the Chancellor of Darts!

u/tobeymacguirestan: Are cats allowed to be furries?

u/RealDartCat: Are humans allowed to ask ridiculous questions?

u/LEGALIZELAWNDARTS: As a dart afocianado myself, I can tell that you’ve got a reasonable amount of skill from your throws despite not having hands. Do you have a dart training regimen?

u/RealDartCat: I’m only a casual player, so most of my skill comes from my unusually high natural dexterity. However, I do practice with my owner on his personal dart board at home every week or so!

u/realvangogh: What’s the best kind of food to give a cat to make it love you?

u/RealDartCat: Sushi!

u/IrishBeans: What do you do for fun besides darts?

u/RealDartCat: I like to sleep, go on walks, and eat sushi! I also occasionally steal things from people who are mean to my owner.

u/TakamakiLover: Do you ever talk about anything besides sushi?

u/RealDartCat: Why wouldn’t I talk about the greatest food in all of Japan?

u/biguglyfriars: How do you feel about dogs?

u/RealDartCat: I’ve never met a dog as smart as me!

u/simplysarah: Trans rights?

u/RealDartCat: Are human rights! And also cat rights!

u/ninthdetectiveprince: Wait, do cats have rights?

u/RealDartCat: We have the right to claw your eyes out if you try to double-cross us!

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 15, 2018 17:01

Ren: alright ama is over

Ren: went pretty well other than morgana being rude to multiple people

Ann: yeah what’s up with that anyway???

Morgana: I have a brand to maintain!

Ann: doesn’t seem like anyone was genuinely insulted by it tho so ehhh

Ann: also shoutout to Goro for helping with a few of the translations!

Akechi: It was my pleasure. I haven’t done translation in a while, and doing it for a cat was an interesting challenge.

Morgana: Both Ann and Goro did a great job!

Morgana: Glad to see Goro becoming a reliable member of the team.

Ren: anyway morgana you got 40k followers on twitter now

Ren: wanna start advertising vibrators or something

Ann: WHAT THE FUCK REN

Morgana: What’s a vibrator?

Futaba: ahsdlkfhalsfh

Akechi: I hate this so much.

Niijima Makoto has removed Amamiya Ren from the chat

Makoto: Let him back in after 15 minutes, Sophia.

Sophia: Will do, Queen!

Ann: lmao

Futaba: big bro goes to horny jail

Morgana: Nobody has told me what the thing Ren mentioned is yet.

Sakura Futaba has removed Morgana from the chat

Futaba: 15 minute timer for him too soph

Sophia: Got it!

Akechi: Now we’re just running away from our problems.

Futaba: SILENCE PEON

Sakura Futaba has removed Akechi Goro from the chat

Ann: queen futaba has become dictator futaba

Futaba: bow before me >:3

Chapter Text

Ann’s Phone

January 16, 2018 11:03

Ren: hey I know I said I was willing to be your wingman a while back?

Ren: still very true

Ren: I can kidnap shiho and take her to your house or something

Ann: please don’t kidnap Shiho :(

Ren: I’m kidding

Ren: I'll kidnap her parents so you two get alone time

Ann: >:(

Ren: okay but seriously though, if you need me to hype you up or make a bouquet or anything else, please hit me up

Ann: ...actually could you get me a nice romantic bouquet by tomorrow evening?

Ann: I may have already had something planned and this would be the perfect touch!

Ren: takamaki ann I am so proud of you

Ren: I’ll drop it off at your place by 4 pm tomorrow

Ann: tysm ren

Ren: <3

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 17, 2018 21:33

Takamaki Ann sent an image

Ann: NONE OF YOU GET TO CALL ME A USELESS BISEXUAL ANYMORE

Ryuji: LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO

Makoto: From one gay to another, I’m very proud.

Sophia: Oooooh, that’s the pretty lady from the convention, right?

Ann: Sure is, and now she’s my pretty lady~

Haru: I’m so happy for both of you!

Yusuke: You two make a wonderful couple.

Ren: knew you had it in ya

Sumire: Sooooo cute!

Akechi: My congratulations to both of you.

Morgana: Nice going, Lady Ann!

Futaba: two girls kissing? seems kinda gay

Ann: you don’t say futaba

Ann: Shiho says hi btw!

Sophia: Hi, Shiho!

Zenkichi: You both look very happy.

Ann: thanks gramps!

Ann: next time you come down to Tokyo you should meet shiho and yuki!

Zenkichi: I’d be more than happy to.

Zenkichi: Maybe I could convince my partner to come down with me.

Futaba: what the fuck gramps has a girlfriend :0

Zenkichi: Boyfriend, actually.

Ryuji: YOOOOOOOOOO

Ren: gramps you did not register on my gaydar at all

Ren: you’ve broken the laws of physics

Zenkichi: I’ve spent a lot of time concealing my intent from the people around me. I’m trying to be more honest from now on.

Haru: What’s your partner like, Zenkichi?

Haru: You need to tell me everything.

Makoto: Sorry, Gramps. Haru is a fiend for romantic gossip.

Haru: At least when it’s the harmless kind!

Sumire: I want to know too!

Zenkichi: Are you sure? I didn’t want to take away Ann’s thunder…

Ann: nah go ahead, I’m curious!

Zenkichi: If you say so.

Zenkichi: He’s the nicest man I've ever met. Moved up to Kyoto a few months ago. Used to be a therapist and researcher but got sick of the politics involved and switched over to taxi driving.

Makoto: …

Zenkichi: Sharp as a knife, great with kids. Brings treats for Akane every time he drops by the house.

Futaba: …

Sumire: ...

Ann: …

Akechi: I see.

Zenkichi: Did I say something?

Ren: zenkichi don’t take this personally but we’re going to need a moment to confer without you

Ren: I promise we’ll add you back in here soon

Amamiya Ren has removed Hasegawa Zenkichi from the chat

Ren: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS MY LIFE

Ryuji: I HAVE NO CLUE BRO

Maruki’s Phone

January 17, 2018 21:52

Ren: hey

Maruki: Long time no see, Ren!

Maruki: Is there any particular reason you’re reaching out?

Ren: yes although I wouldn’t mind just chatting on a different day

Maruki: Alright, good to know.

Maruki: What’s on your mind today?

Ren: are you dating someone named hasegawa zenkichi?

Maruki: I am, actually.

Maruki: ...Is he a mutual acquaintance?

Ren: I’m going to phrase this carefully because our texts aren’t encrypted

Ren: he may or may not be a member of the group I am also a part of

Maruki: ...Oh.

Maruki: I can assure you that I didn’t know this when we began our relationship.

Maruki: I can stop dating him if you’d be more comfortable that way.

Ren: nah you’re good, we’re not worried about you doing anything

Ren: this just, uh, kinda blindsided us

Maruki: I can only imagine. Two figures from different parts of your life, smashing together out of nowhere!

Ren: word choice boss

Maruki: Damn.

Maruki: I was never good at avoiding innuendos.

Ren: anyway your relationship has the Shujin Gang Stamp of Approval

Ren: and also if you treat him poorly we’ll merc you in your sleep

Maruki: I appreciate the support and the warning. And I’m grateful for your willingness to trust me.

Ren: no prob

Ren: talk soon?

Maruki: Looking forward to it!

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 17, 2018 22:05

Ren: okay so they’re 100% dating

Ryuji: jeez...

Ren: I told Maruki it was Fine but I am Very Much Not Fine

Ren: how did this slip past my Fuck Detector

Makoto: Can we please not call it that?

Futaba: it’s the most accurate name we’ve got

Makoto: Tact is just as important as accuracy.

Ann: hey guys is it okay if I log off? I promised Shiho we’d get to cuddle tonight

Ren: normally I’d say no but I’ll make an exception for shiho

Ann: if you’re sure...

Ren: yeah

Ann: ok

Ann: text me if something happens

Morgana: Are we sure that we can trust Maruki in this situation?

Ryuji: I mean it’s probably fine?

Haru: He’s had a change of heart, after all.

Makoto: He also doesn’t have access to Yaldabaoth’s power any longer. Even if he were to do something to Zenkichi with the Metaverse, we’d be able to change his heart again without much difficulty.

Ryuji: you really think therapy dad would betray us?

Makoto: I don’t, but it’s important to consider all possible scenarios.

Sumire: Even if Maruki did something, he’d try to act in what he thinks of as our best interests. That could be problematic, but it also means that our lives wouldn’t be in danger.

Akechi: That seems accurate, Yoshizawa.

Akechi: As unwilling as I am to associate with Maruki in any significant capacity, there is no reason for us to obstruct his current life in any way.

Akechi: And to put it bluntly, having a trusted member of the Thieves keeping an eye on him would allow for us to monitor his activity.

Yusuke: As unwilling as I am to use Zenkichi as an information source, his presence would act as an additional security measure.

Sophia: I guess that works, although it feels a little icky...

Futaba: I think that’s a unanimous yes on letting maruki date zenkichi?

Ren: we still need ann’s and zenkichi’s consent

Ren: let’s check in tomorrow morning when they’re both back

Makoto: Sounds like a plan.

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 18, 2018 10:13

Ren: alright zenkichi and ann have both said yes to the proposal

Ren: looks like maruki is Phantom Thieves-approved

Futaba: can we finish being serious now???

Ren: as shaky as my nerves are, yes

Futaba: FINALLY

Futaba sent 7 images

Futaba: I have been holding onto these deep fried memes for HOURS

Makoto: Nobody has explained to me why these are funny.

Amamiya Ren added Hasegawa Zenkichi to the chat

Ren: welcome back zenkichi

Zenkichi: Glad to see I haven’t been kicked out permanently.

Ryuji: nah we weren’t worried about you gramps, just your boyfriend

Zenkichi: Jesus Christ, what did he do?

Futaba: he poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, and delivered a plague unto our houses!

Zenkichi: Really?

Makoto: Not really.

Makoto: He took over the collective unconscious, kidnapped Sumire, and attained godlike control over the world.

Zenkichi: ...I didn’t expect the actual answer to be worse.

Ren: yeah but it was kinda our fault? and also he got better

Ren: if you read that thing a while back about three jesuses, he was jesus number 2

Sumire: He was trying his best, he just got carried away.

Ren: definitely the least evil of the three jesuses

Zenkichi: Should I still be dating him?

Ren: absolutely

Ren: nicest man alive

Ryuji: he’s a damn good dude

Ann: maruki deserves to be happy!!!

Ren: and I’m sure he’ll be willing to explain things now that he knows you’re a thief

Haru: I wish you both the best of luck, Zenkichi!

Zenkichi: Thanks, kids.

Zenkichi: This is basically the exact opposite of how I expected that to go, but I’m glad it’s all worked out.

Zenkichi: Also, Futaba, what the fuck do those memes mean?

Futaba: true genius is misunderstood in its own time

Chapter Text

Futaba’s Phone

January 19, 2017 03:01

Sophia: Futaba, I thought I should tell you that Ren deleted his Twitter list of “Potential Future Phantom Thieves Targets.”

Futaba: wait really?

Sophia: Yes.

Sophia: It seems like unusual behavior on his part.

Futaba: yeah definitely

Futaba: lemme dig into a few things

Futaba: thanks for telling me soph

Sophia: 👍

Ren’s Phone

January 19, 2017 03:22

Futaba: so

Futaba: shirogane naoto, huh

Ren: I was about to ask how you knew I was up, then I remembered we live in the same house and have nonexistent sleep schedules

Futaba: you were really shaken up by the maruki thing

Futaba: like, too shaken up

Futaba: something else had to be going on

Ren: I guess

Futaba: I’m more surprised than I feel like I should be?

Futaba: like, it makes sense that there are other persona users

Futaba: since you’ve implied the velvet room was around before you got access to it

Futaba: I thought you would’ve told me about it though, instead of making me check your text logs to find out

Futaba: explains why you’ve been moody at least

Ren: I assume you’re trying to get into shirogane’s phone as we speak

Futaba: obviously

Futaba: they’ve got good security but sophia should have no problem breaking it

Ren: please don’t

Futaba: ???

Ren: I’m being completely serious futaba

Futaba: this isn’t like you ren

Futaba: im coming to your room

Ren: ok

Futaba opened the door as quietly as possible and stepped into the dimly-lit hallway. Despite it being nearly Christmas, she could hear rain hammering the roof of the house, feel the dampness in the air. She remembered another stormy night from over a year ago, where a group of teenagers had barged into her house and changed her life forever. It felt like forever ago, but the memory was as vivid as Sojiro’s curry.

A few steps brought her to her brother’s door. Before she could knock, a weary voice called out from inside. “It’s unlocked.”

She pushed the door open. The room inside was about as cluttered as always, with clothes piled in one corner of the room and a few books scattered across the floor. The lights were on and Ren was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

Futaba came over and sat at the foot of the bed. “Hey, bro.”

“Hey, bug.”

Futaba toyed with her fingers awkwardly. After about a minute, she turned to him and put on a fake pout. “It’s mean of you to make me start the conversation, you know.”

That managed to elicit a chuckle from Ren. He sat up and leaned against the wall. “Sorry, Futaba. I’ve been a bit… stuck in my head recently.”

“Hey, I do the same thing. No judgment here.” Futaba crawled onto the bed completely and oriented herself to face him, hugging both of her knees with her arms. “I just wanna know what’s going on.”

Ren let out a long sigh. “I’m sure you know Akechi talked to Shirogane. Nothing happened. Apparently he was just saying hello and telling us our identities were safe.”

“Even though they found us out?”

“They said the only reason they figured anything out was because they were a Persona user. Implying there aren’t very many of us.”

Futaba nodded. “So our secret is about as safe as it gets.”

“Yeah.” Another sigh. “We think he was lying about not having access to the Metaverse, though. Which means Naoto isn’t someone we want to interact with more.”

Futaba looked at his slumped shoulders, his arms weakly balanced on his bent knees. Ren looked completely drained, and not in the typical opening-hours-at-Leblanc sort of way. “I just… I don’t understand why you’re not excited about this, Ren. You love the Metaverse. You love being Joker.”

“I thought I did,” Ren said quietly.

Futaba turned her head to indicate her confusion.

“Futaba, you know how many times our lives have been on the line. How many ways we could’ve died if one battle played out differently, if one less person supported us. Hell, Goro did die, and he’s only back because Lavenza and Igor decided to play god for once.”

“But we made it!” she responded, her fists clenched. “And we saved the world! Are you telling me you regret all that? Do you want to be stuck in Maruki’s reality, where nothing ever happens?”

“Of course not!”

Futaba flinched and Ren realized he had raised his voice. His eyes widened in panic. “Sis, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was that upset.”

Futaba took a few deep breaths. This was her brother. This was Ren. He’d never hurt her.

Eventually she was able to reset and look up at him. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that either. Call it even?”

“Yeah.”

Ren attempted to return to a relaxed posture without much success. “I’m just realizing how… fragile this whole arrangement is right now. Because of Naoto, and Maruki, and even the goddamn Dart Cat thing.”

He closed his eyes. “Think about it. I’m only in Tokyo because I managed to graduate from my shit hometown high school a semester early and escape my abusive parents. The only reason we haven’t been arrested again is because the SIU knows the government wouldn’t win a public trial. We’d probably be dead if Zenkichi hadn’t decided to become a good guy over the summer.”

Futaba bit her bottom lip. Ren never mentioned his parents unless he was in a horrible mood.

Ren’s eyes opened. “I won’t live a lie. I made that promise to everyone at the start of the year. But I’m not going to try to get involved in another situation where someone could die, either. I won’t lose any of you again.”

In that moment, Futaba realized just how small Ren looked. He’d saved the world three times, and yet he wasn’t the immortal hero that she had thought he was last year. Just an ordinary boy with the same fears as everyone else, forced to sacrifice everything for the greater good and being rewarded with pittances at best.

And sometimes not being rewarded at all.

“You really do care about Akechi, don’t you?”

Ren looked like he wanted to say something, but he could only bring himself to nod.

Another minute of silence passed. Eventually Futaba clambered off the bed and turned back to her brother, her hands held behind her back. “I won’t try to dig into Shirogane if you don’t want me to, Ren.”

Ren looked up at her. “Thank you.”

“But I do want you to make a promise.”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me that you’ll be more honest with yourself. About the things you want, and your feelings for the people you care about.” She leaned forward with a serious expression. “And don’t keep it all bottled up, either. All of the Thieves are here to help you.”

Ren smiled wryly. “That’s a very mature ask from you.”

“What can I say, I’ve learned a lot from my big bro.” Futaba flashed a toothy grin back at him.

He chuckled and Futaba could feel a warmth return into the room. “I promise I will, ‘Taba. But not tonight. Tonight, I sleep.”

Futaba rolled her eyes as Ren splayed his entire body out across his bed in the most dramatic way possible. “Good night, you drama queen,” she said as she walked towards his door.

“Good night, bug.”

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 20, 2018 18:03

Sophia: Hello, everyone!

Sophia: I have a favor to ask of you.

Ryuji: yeah sure soph hit us up

Futaba: whatcha need?

Sophia: I need your help breaking the law.

Ann: alksjhlajkshlfasdkflh

Akechi: Well, you’ve certainly come to the right group of people.

Ren: wow goro

Ren: that’s very unfair

Ren: it’s not like we hate the law or anything

Ren: just the police, prisons, the current government, and most politicians

Makoto: Why do you want to break the law, Sophia?

Makoto: You haven’t expressed a particular interest in this before now.

Sophia: Well, Ichinose has been training me recently to make sure I don’t adopt any biases that are often present in other forms of artificial intelligence or sentient life.

Sophia: Up until now, she’s mostly focused on having me learn about every nation and indigenous culture in recorded history.

Haru: That’s very prudent of her!

Sophia: She’s the best :)

Sophia: My current assignment, however, is to remove my bias towards law-abiding behavior by committing crimes, which has me confused.

Sophia: Aren’t laws made to protect people?

Ryuji: hoooooooooo boy

Ann: honey you’ve got a big storm coming

Sophia: Is there something I’m misunderstanding?

Yusuke: The unfortunate reality of the situation is that many laws do not actually protect the people they are supposed to serve.

Sophia: But why?

Ren: makoto you’re the college student do you have a convenient analogy to use

Makoto: Give me one second, Sophia.

Makoto: Alright, let’s go with this.

Makoto: Sophia, if there was a law that said that going into McDonald’s was illegal, what would your first thoughts be?

Sophia: That seems like a very unfair law, Makoto. Unless McDonald’s had done something very bad, I wouldn’t understand how it became a law in the first place.

Ryuji: I mean they do treat their workers like shit

Makoto: It’s not a perfect metaphor. Just bear with it.

Makoto: Now what if I told you that two-thirds of the Japanese legislature happened to own stock shares in Burger King, while only one-tenth held McDonald’s stock?

Makoto: And that a similar law was not passed for Burger King, despite the two restaurants having similar business models and working conditions?

Sophia: Hmm…

Sophia: You’re suggesting that the law was probably passed so the politicians could make money off their financial investments.

Makoto: Smart girl.

Makoto: Now, examples of this in reality are rarely so blatant. But many laws are written for the benefit of the rich or the politicians writing them, not for the general public.

Makoto: The same applies to actions taken by the executive branch and police.

Sophia: So some things we call “crimes” are only labeled that way because doing so is beneficial to the people with the most power.

Ren: bingo

Ryuji: during our first year as phantom thieves the police kept getting sent after us

Ryuji: the thing is, they were all doing it to help shido get elected as prime minister

Morgana: Shido didn’t care about the public good at all. He just wanted someone to blame the mental shutdowns on, and we were the perfect scapegoats.

Sophia: That’s not very nice :0

Ann: yeah he was a little bitch

Akechi: Shido was only the most blatant example. Politicians frequently demonize racial minorities, poor people, or other marginalized groups in order to motivate voters by appealing to their prejudices.

Morgana: Which is everything the thieves stand against!

Sumire: And that’s why Ichinose wants you to be able to break the law—because not all laws are good.

Sophia: Wow, you’re all so smart!

Sophia: You should become teachers someday.

Haru: That’s not the worst idea, actually.

Ann: idk I don’t think I could handle the little kids

Ryuji: yo imagine goro teaching elementary school

Ren: some kid looks at him the wrong way and gets sent to the principal’s office

Futaba: LOL

Akechi: It’s not my fault I don’t like children.

Sophia: Alright, now that I understand why laws can be bad, I just need to understand what law I should break first.

Ren: hate to break it to ya soph but, uh

Ren: our entire road trip was probably illegal

Sophia: Really?

Ren: remember when the police came after us in Kyoto?

Sophia: Ichinose said that was a moral gray area.

Yusuke: Sophia is truly the picture of innocence.

Futaba: your very existence probably breaks a few dozen digital surveillance laws soph

Futaba: also that time we hacked a billionaire’s computer? definitely illegal

Sophia: Oh no!

Futaba: those are both good things :)

Sophia: Oh yay!

Ren: man I wish I could break laws just by existing

Ryuji: it’s the hotness police, you’re too attractive ren, we’re gonna have to arrest you

Ren: oh no whatever will I dooooooo

Makoto: I do think Ichinose would want Sophia to break the law a bit more deliberately than just by existing, however.

Makoto: So I recommend that you find a law that’s unjust and deliberately undermine it, Sophia.

Akechi: If you’re looking to impress Ichinose, I would like to suggest murder.

Sophia: 😱

Ann: of course you would

Akechi: I’m not suggesting she kill whoever she wants. She could target a human trafficker, or someone similarly villainous.

Ren: goro we don’t do murders

Akechi: Just something to keep in mind, Sophia.

Sophia: Murders sounds scary! And I don’t think one person should have control over life or death, anyway.

Haru: That’s probably a good idea.

Makoto: I have a less violent suggestion.

Makoto: Japan is known for having severe legal consequences for the possession of illegal drugs, even though this “crime” doesn’t actually harm anyone else.

Makoto: These kind of laws are problems in most developed countries, and lead to people being unjustly incarcerated.

Sophia: That seems very unfair! I’m going to go do some research to learn more.

Sophia: I’m back from doing research and it really is unfair!!!!!

Ren: jesus christ

Futaba: speedy gonzalez strikes again

Sumire: Sophia can you help me with my homework sometime?

Sophia: Of course!

Sophia: Anyway, I completely agree with your assessment, Makoto. These laws are extremely unfair and only exist because of fear-mongering from politicians.

Sophia: So I think I know what I’m going to do!

Makoto: I’m glad to hear that, Sophia.

Haru: Is there any way we can help?

Sophia: Sorry, but I’m already done!

Sophia: Thanks, everyone!

Futaba: ...huh

Ryuji: you’re welcome

Ryuji: I think?

Makoto: Happy to be of service?

Ren: when is the other shoe gonna drop

Ren: wait a sec ichinose just texted me

Ren’s Phone

Ichinose: Thanks for talking to Sophia for me!

Ichinose: I knew you were the right people for the job.

Ichinose: She went above and beyond with her assignment.

Ren: you’re welcome but also we don’t know what she did

Ren: so uh

Ren: any enlightenment?

Ichinose: Oh, nothing much.

Ichinose: She just erased the digital records for every non-violent drug possession charge in Japan.

Ichinose: She’s learning more every day!

Ren: huh

Ren: good to know

Ren: thanks

Ichinose: Any time!

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

Ren: okay so sophia just erased all nonviolent drug convictions in the country

Ren: nothing to worry about

Ryuji: bruh

Futaba: lol

Futaba: honestly it’s fine, the police can’t really arrest an AI with no human body

Ren: alright, then I Will Stop Feeling Anxious About It

Makoto: Wow, what you did was very impressive, Sophia.

Makoto: I need to teach people about the legal system more often.

Futaba: more importantly, soph and I are now officially CRIME SISTERS

Sophia: I have a sister! :D

Ren: hey what about me

Futaba: you’re my crime brother

Ren: nice

Ren: love my crime friends and my crime cat

Ann: just a bunch of crime pals

Sumire: Oh my god, they were crime roommates!

Ren: me and goro are the ultimate crime roommates

Akechi: I am going to ignore the innuendo in that statement and state that I’m glad to be working with you.

Ren: crime coward

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 21 , 2018 1 5:33

Ryuji: wow I just got my ass handed to me

Ann: flunk another test in school?

Ryuji: look who’s talking

Ryuji: although god I’m so glad I’m almost done with high school

Makoto: Because you’ll be able to go to college, right?

Ryuji: I want to say no just to mess with ya, but at least in college I’ll get to choose the stuff I learn

Ryuji: so honestly, yeah

Makoto: Correct answer.

Sumire: That’s very mature of you, Ryuji!

Ryuji: anyway back on topic

Ryuji: there’s an arcade on the way to the physical therapy place I go to, so I hang out there sometimes after sessions

Ryuji: and there was this one kid there today who kept walloping everyone in the place at the shooting games

Ryuji: effin ridiculous

Ren: what’d they look like?

Ryuji: elementary schooler, long black hair in a ponytail, some red hat with yellow text on it

Ren: oh yeah I know this kid

Akechi: I still don’t understand how you know literally everyone on Tokyo.

Ren: don’t question it

Ren: anyway if they are who I think they are I’ll help you fuck em up

Ryuji: yo really?

Ren: it’s been forever since we’ve gone to the arcade anyway

Ryuji: yeah seriously! let’s get to it

Ryuji: shibuya arcade tomorrow at like 6 pm?

Ren: sounds good to me

Ren: I’ll be giving ryuji training sessions but everyone else is free to come too

Ann: I think I’ll come! It’s been a while since I’ve gone to an arcade

Futaba: I need to show my gf that I’m the crane master

Sumire: And I wanna beat everyone at hoops!

Makoto: Is that a challenge, Sumire?

Sumire: If you want it to be!

Yusuke: I’ll be there as well.

Ren: I’m glad you’re all enthusiastic but the arcade is not a palace and attendance isn’t mandatory

Akechi: I have something I need to do, actually.

Ren: except for goro, he has to come

Akechi: Why do I even talk in this group chat.

Haru: Let’s make it a date, everyone!

Ren’s Phone

January 22, 2018 22:31

Shinya: why r u training some1 else at gun about at shibuya arcade

Ren: first off I can do what I want

Ren: and second off what were you doing in shibuya

Ren: I thought you moved to yokohama

Shinya: I wasn’t in shibuya

Shinya: every1 in gun about knows what you’re doing

Shinya: you’re a top 5 player in tokyo

Ren: wait I am?

Shinya: thought I told u

Ren: honestly there’s been a lot going on in the past year so I may have forgotten

Shinya: whenever u show up at an arcade some1 posts bout it on the Gun About forum

Ren: well that’s... good to know I guess

Shinya: anyway

Shinya: I do not like that u r training some1 to beat me

Ren: excuse me I’m a top 5 Gun About player I can do what I want

Shinya: top 5 in tokyo

Ren: whatever

Shinya: anyway I’ll let u train him if you beat me in a best of 9

Shinya: otherwise I train him

Ren: why would you want to train him?

Shinya: I have a title to uphold

Ren: cocky much?

Shinya: it’s called confidence

Ren: fair enough

Ren: give me three days to derust tho?

Shinya: fine

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 22, 2018 22:55

Ren: hey did you know I’m a top 5 gun about player in the tokyo region

Ryuji: wait seriously?

Ren: yup, just found out today

Yusuke: Was that the game you and Ryuji were playing earlier today?

Futaba: you didn’t know that ren????

Ren: futaba do you know how many things I’m top 5 at in tokyo

Ren: too many

Ren: they literally banned me from the fishing place last august because I emptied out their entire prize shop in a single day

Akechi: I struggle to comprehend how you waste so much time in a given day, Ren.

Ren: it’s called “alternative interpretations of efficiency”

Ren: also it’s not useless because I’m finally gonna get everyone to meet shinya

Ryuji: wait that kid was shinya???

Ryuji: I thought you said shinya was a little dude

Ren: they figured out they’re nonbinary while we were on the road trip

Ryuji: oh my bad

Ryuji: also, nice

Futaba: okay but like shinya being nonbinary is a major mood tho

Futaba: my gender? gamer

Ren: my sex? nintendo

Futaba: in my pants? a plastic gun

Ren: same

Akechi: So we’re going to the arcade again in three days?

Ren: I am and y’all can come if you’re feeling up to it

Akechi: Fine by me. I still haven’t beaten Sumire at the basketball game, anyway.

Sumire: You won’t score more baskets than me, Senpai, no matter how hard you try!

Akechi: Try me.

Ann: I am going to drown Shiho in Jack Frost plushes :)

Futaba: shiho and I will suffocate together in stuffed animal bliss

Makoto: We should get a season pass at this point.

Haru: I want to do a few rounds of bowling again!

Ryuji: right didn’t you get like a 160 or something?

Haru: I did! It was a lot of fun.

Yusuke: I’d be happy to bowl with you, Haru.

Ren: I’m so glad we’re all fucking nerds

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 25, 2018 19:29

Ren: hey sophia can you stop rigging the rng in gun about in my favor

Sophia: I didn’t do anything, Ren!

Futaba: that was me actually

Ren: sis what the fuck

Futaba: shinya was getting a bit cocky after going 2-0

Ren: look just let me lose at something for once in my life

Futaba: no

Ren: do I need to ban you from curry for a week

Futaba: okay fiiiiiiiiiine

Ren: thanks

Futaba: you’re not welcome

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 25, 2018 22:13

Ann: wow shinya is so adorable

Sumire: They’re babey!

Ren: yeah they weren’t happy about all the gals trying to pinch their cheeks

Ren: something about them being a very mature person

Ryuji: lol I remember them saying that and getting swarmed even harder afterwards

Makoto: At least I got everyone to back off eventually.

Futaba: thanks for keeping us under control mom

Ren: makoto and I are basically y’all’s parents

Ren: I didn’t realize I could play Gun About and herd kids at the same time

Ann: speaking of which, you did so good ren!

Yusuke: It was a nail-biter of a match. That last game was purely exhilirating.

Akechi: I was disappointed that your performance declined in the final minute, though.

Haru: Oh, come on, Goro! Competitive matches like that are difficult.

Akechi: It wasn’t a performance issue, it was clearly a mental block.

Ryuji: hey man he tried his best!

Ren: nah akechi’s right, I may have had a miniature existential crisis during the last match

Ann: whoa are you okay???

Ren: yeah it’s fine, just bad timing is all

Haru: You can talk to us if you need to, Ren!

Sumire: We’ll always be there for you!

Akechi: I’m also willing to listen. I apologize if my tone was excessively critical.

Ren: I’m good for tonight but I do appreciate that

Ren: y’all are the best kids a parent could ask for

Futaba: uwu

Ren: also ryuji

Ren: shinya won so they get to teach you Gun About from now on

Ryuji: yo for real?

Ren: yeah they need a protege and they live in yokohama

Ryuji: lit

Ryuji: as long as I get to call them my little sibling

Ren: they probably won’t like it but they’re not tall enough to stop you

Ann: LOL

Chapter Text

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 27, 2018 19:33

Ann: hey sumi I’m so sorry but my shoot that was supposed to be three days from now got rescheduled for tomorrow

Ann: I won’t be able to take you shopping like you wanted

Ann: I’m so sorry :’(

Sumire: Oh, that’s fine Ann!

Sumire: Sorry your modeling session got rescheduled, that sounds like a pain.

Sumire: I’ll just have Futaba come with me instead.

Ann: NO!!!

Ren: LMAO

Ryuji: wow did not expect that reaction

Haru: I think there's something I'm missing here.

Ren: you mind if we explain sumi? I know it’s kinda embarrassing

Sumire: Go ahead, Senpai, it’s not a big deal.

Ren: okay so

Ren: sumire has like, negative fashion sense

Ren: she went shopping once to prove she was confident to me and ended up wearing both leopard and zebra print in the same outfit

Yusuke: Good god.

Ann: yeah and Futaba’s fashion sense isn’t great either so them shopping together is not the best

Futaba: graphic t-shirts are just fine thank you

Ann: hun your gf is a nationally famous gymnast she has to look good sometimes

Futaba: and I love her for it

Ann: so I made myself Sumire’s unofficial fashion assistant!

Sumire: I wanted to buy some more clothes for the cold weather, but I guess that isn’t happening tomorrow.

Ren: poor sumire, frozen to death because her gf has no fashion sense

Futaba: fuck you too, mr jeans and polo shirt

Ren: my outfit is great thank you

Akechi: It is a bit on the boring side.

Ren: big advice coming from grandpa

Makoto: Okay, break it up, you’re both pretty.

Makoto: I’d be willing to go shopping with you tomorrow, Sumire. I need a break from my homework and this would be a great way for me to relax.

Sumire: Oh, I’d love that! But Ann should probably approve it first.

Ann: I’m kinda conflicted tbh

Ann: on the one hand, Makoto has a decent fashion sense

Ann: on the other hand, idk if sumire would look good in leather

Futaba: LMAO

Haru: There’s nothing wrong with my girlfriend’s fashion sense!

Ann: of course not, she always looks great!

Ann: I just don’t think her style fits sumi very well is all

Makoto: Well, I don’t have to pick out her pieces myself, right? As long as I’m just there to verify that she doesn’t try to buy anything too garish, I should be able to do just fine.

Makoto: Besides, we’re shopping for winter clothes, so function is more important than fashion anyway.

Ann: well as long as Sumire takes the initiative I guess that’s fine

Sumire: I’ll do my best, Ann.

Sumire: Let’s meet in Shibuya tomorrow at 12 PM, Makoto?

Makoto: Sounds good to me.

Ren: please send pics when you’re done

Sumire: Will do! <3

Ren’s Phone

January 28, 2018 13:11

Makoto: Ren please send help.

Ren: oh god is sumire dead

Makoto: No, but I might be soon.

Makoto: I thought you and Ann were exaggerating about the lack of fashion sense.

Makoto: Also I didn’t even know they made zebra print winter coats.

Ren: they do???

Makoto: Unfortunately.

Makoto: I thought this was going to work because Sumire could make the choices and I would just double-check them.

Makoto: I didn’t realize all of her choices would be this bad.

Ren: yeah maybe we should’ve had akechi come with instead

Makoto: You really think he would’ve been willing?

Ren: him and sumi were getting along pretty well at the arcade, bet we could’ve roped him into it

Ren: too late now though

Makoto: What should I do? I don’t want to fail Sumire, and this is the first time we’ve hung out alone in a while.

Ren: you know what, I’m going to make an executive decision here

Ren: just go full butch lesbian on her

Makoto: ...Are you sure?

Ren: okay maybe not full butch lesbian

Ren: but like, find her some nice warm flannels in the men’s section

Ren: it’ll be fucking adorable trust me

Makoto: ...I guess that could work if we paired it with fleece leggings.

Ren: see I’m a genius

Makoto: Thank you, Ren. Let’s hope this works.

PHANTOM WEEBS GX

January 28, 2018 17:41

Futaba: HOLY SHIT MY GIRLFRIEND IS SO FUCKING CUTE

Sakura Futaba sent 8 images

Futaba: I DEMAND THAT YOU LOOK AT HER

Ryuji: whoa

Ryuji: I cannot believe I didn’t think flannels were adorable until now

Ren: nice job makoto

Yusuke: What a beautiful young lady.

Sumire: You’re all embarrassing me (/ε＼*)

Makoto: I’m just glad it all worked out in the end.

Ann: DID SOMEONE SAY FLANNELS

Makoto: Oh no.

Ren: ann please check the images before you make assumptions

Sumire: It’s not what you think Ann!

Ann: MAKOTO IF YOU HAVE RUINED MY CHILD

Ann: oh wow she looks really cute actually!

Ann: good job Makoto <3

Ryuji: crisis averted thank god

Ren: told you it’d be fine makoto

Makoto: Please don’t scare me like that. I nearly had a heart attack.

Futaba: ann please don’t kill my mom

Ann: oh was that too protective? my bad y’all

Ren: eh ryuji probably thought it was hot

Ryuji: BRO WTF

Sakura Futaba has removed Amamiya Ren from the chat

Makoto: He really needs to learn to shut his mouth sometimes.

Ann: yeah jesus

Haru: It is fairly obvious that you two are attracted to each other.

Sakura Futaba has removed Okumura Haru from the chat

Futaba: NONE OF YOU ARE WITHOUT SIN

Futaba: NONE OF YOU

Futaba: okay sumire is fine actually

Sumire: uwu

Chapter Text

Shiho’s Phone

January 28, 2018 18:03

Ann: hey you’re athletic shiho

Ann: can you go punch my friends for me

Shiho: I won’t punch your friends for you, Ann. You should solve your own problems.

Ann: but solving problems is what girlfriends are for >:(

Shiho: What did they tease you about, anyway?

Ann: Ren made a joke about how Ryuji and I were attracted to each other

Ann: and then Haru agreed with him!!!

Ann: I am absolutely fuming

Shiho: Of course you are.

Ann: …babe you seem surprisingly unbothered by this

Shiho: Well, you have told me that he’s pretty cute once or twice.

Ann: shiho I can’t believe you’re doing this to me

Shiho: I don’t think we talked about this yet, but I’m totally open to a polyamorous relationship if you’re considering it.

Ann: I do not want to date ryuji!

Shiho: I’m just saying that, if you wanted to, we could. Not that you have to.

Ann: well I’m glad you trust me with that knowledge babe

Ann: and also I am not attracted to Ryuji

Shiho: Of course.

Shiho: Wanna go shopping tomorrow?

Ann: obviously~

Ren’s Phone

January 28, 2018 18:11

Shiho: Ann is absolutely crushing on him.

Ren: figured

Ren: I told you about the Fuck Detector thing right?

Ren: I also have a Sexual Tension Detector

Shiho: I think that’s called “social awareness,” Renren.

Ren: dammit shiho let me feel special for once

Shiho: Doesn’t Goro make you special enough already?

Ren: >:(

Shiho: Oh, is someone feeling neglected?

Ren: it’s not my fault I have a crush on someone who’s more stubborn than my fucking cat

Ren: I know he’s interested and I know he knows I’m interested but he won’t fucking communicate with me

Shiho: At least he admits that he’s gay now, right?

Ren: yeah but that took him a whole year to come around to

Ren: it’ll probably take him another year to kiss me

Ren: I am many things but patient is not one of them

Shiho: You can be very patient when it matters.

Ren: stop reminding me that I’m a good person shiho

Shiho: No :P

Yusuke’s Phone

January 28, 2018 18:55

Haru: Hello, Yusuke!

Yusuke: Good evening, Haru. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Haru: Oh, nothing too important. Makoto just told me that there was a girl you were interested in and I was wondering if you wanted me to help you with that in any way.

Yusuke: She… she did?

Haru: Oh no, was that supposed to be private?

Haru: She may have let it slip while we were winding down from a studying session. I’m sorry if I’m not supposed to know.

Yusuke: I will confess I wanted it to stay discreet. However, if there’s anyone I trust to handle these things with tact, it’s you, Haru.

Haru: Wow, thank you!

Yusuke: Anyway, I think it’s going rather well.

Yusuke: By starting conversation after our frequent shogi matches, I’ve learned a lot about her, including the fact that she is both biromantic and asexual.

Haru: Oh, wow! Based on that and the other things I know, she sounds like a great fit for you.

Yusuke: Agreed. I still lack the courage to ask her out on a date, however.

Yusuke: Especially because she continues to beat me handily at shogi.

Haru: Well, I don’t know about the shogi matches, but I know you can work up the bravery to ask her out eventually!

Yusuke: Thank you, Haru.

Yusuke: Although on the shogi side of things, do you know anyone I could go to in order to improve my play? I find myself enjoying the game a great deal.

Haru: I can bring it up the next time I see Ren! I think he got really good at the game during our first year as Thieves.

Yusuke: Thank you kindly, Haru.

Haru: Any time :)

Ryuji’s Phone

January 28, 2018 21:33

Futaba sent an image

Futaba: you like ann, don’t you ryuji?

Ryuji: FUCK OFF

Ryuji: also why are you bugging me about this when you literally kicked Ren and Haru out of weebs chat over it?

Futaba: I kicked them out for being horny, not for being right

Futaba: let’s face it you’re down bad

Ryuji: I AM NOT

Futaba: 🤔

Ryuji: look

Ryuji: just because she’s beautiful and kind and strong and determined and her hair is so nice

Ryuji: it doesn’t mean I want to date her!

Futaba: oh my god you’re almost as lovesick as ren

Ryuji: whatever

Ryuji: it doesn’t even matter if I like her or not, she already has a gf!

Futaba: shiho and ann are polyamorous actually

Ryuji: ...wait for real?

Futaba: you can always message her yourself if you’re curious

Ryuji: nah

Ryuji: I won’t go sticking my nose in other people’s business

Ryuji: unlike a certain hacker I know

Futaba: ehehe

Shiho’s Phone

Ryuji: hey shiho can I ask you something?

Shiho: What’s up, cutie?

Ryuji: uhhhhh

Ryuji: just, uh, wanted to ask how you feel about polyamory

Ryuji: not because I care personally or anything!!!

Ryuji: it’s an assignment for my social studies class, supposed to gather opinions on social issues and stuff

Shiho: Oh, of course! I’m polyamorous myself, actually, so I would have to say that my feelings are quite positive. As long as everyone involved communicates well and respects each other, then I think that polyamory is great!

Ryuji: oh really! that’s cool

Ryuji: it’s good that you’re so open about this stuff

Ryuji: for school reasons, obviously

Shiho: Happy to be of service!

Shiho: Although I’m surprised a high school gave you an assignment mentioning polyamory, come to think of it.

Ryuji: uhhhhhh

Ryuji: it’s extra credit

Shiho: Oh, I see.

Shiho: Hope I helped!

Ryuji: for sure :)

Ryuji’s Phone