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“Chat there’s something important I need to tell you”
“And that would be?” Chat looked over to his Lady her hunched over form giving a twinge of sadness to the sunset that outlined her.
“I told someone”
He knew what she meant, but he could still deny it until the words came out of his mouth “Told them what?”
She looked up to him the oranges and blues of the sky outlining her as she spoke again “I told someone I’m Ladybug”
The light seemed almost too bright now and his throat felt tight. She had done it and she hadn’t told him. They had been partners for years now and he hadn’t been the one to find out. His thoughts swirled in his head in a way he couldn’t unscramble.
“Why?” he found himself asking.
“Because I needed to Chat, I couldn’t take all this pressure alone I needed someone to rely on to help me handle it all.”
There it was the sentence that confirmed his own failings. He couldn’t help her the way she needed, the way he wanted to help he just watched as someone got what he so desperately sought after without even having tried.
Jealousy burned within him always within and never let loose he wouldn’t let it. It burned with all of his emotions he was happy she had someone to rely upon that was a good thing, right? But it hadn’t been him. He had lived his whole life being denied the things he wanted so why should this be any different.
He was hurt and he would recover, but it would take time. Had he not put in enough effort he only had so much to work with and if he were to be the judge of it all he’d say he did amicably for what he had. To Ladybug though it hadn’t been enough maybe he never would be?
His self-doubt spiraled and he couldn’t stop it now, so he did what he so practiced he hid it. Ladybug looked at as if waiting for him to respond. What was he supposed to say? “Congratulations on getting help sorry I couldn’t be that for you!”
No, it would come out as selfish and just make her feel bad and he wouldn’t do that, so he just sat there staring out at the rooftops fighting to contain the emotions he so meticulously bottled and stored.
He wished he could meet this person to see the one who had bested him in the game he so wished he could have finally won, but that was selfish, and he couldn’t think of it as a game he had lost those types of thoughts would get him nowhere and yet like the Naples soldier they marched on.
“Chat?” Ladybug asked tentatively and placed a hand on his shoulder making him flinch.
“Ehh” Chat let out a startled noise as he was pulled from his thoughts.
“Are you alright?” ladybug poked his side giving him a small smile as if to lighten the mood.
“Do you trust me?” Chat asked though the question he now battled with was “Do I trust you.”
He had never wanted to entertain the thought of his Lady’s trust but after what she had told him it was inevitable that the thought comes to mind. Did he trust her? He wanted to believe the answer was easy, not many things in his life were, but now it felt like a burden like everything else. Did he trust her?
Did he trust her?
It wasn’t a question he could answer without thought anymore and that thought alone scared him.
Ladybug looked on in shock at his question “Of course I trust you!” she said as if it was common knowledge.
“Then why didn’t you come to me?” Chat Noir choked as tears fell from his eyes to the concrete they sat on.
Ladybug’s face contorted into a puzzled expression. Why hadn’t she gone to Chat he was trying to help and just like her friends she tried to push him away. He didn’t get angry at her though he just accepted it. Her friends had tried to force her secrets from her (granted under the influence of an Akuma).
Alya had been there for her when she broke down though had comforted her. She was her best friend, but Chat she was her partner they were equally as important to her. All she had done to her partner however was hurt him and push him away and even now she was doing it again pushing him out.
She needed Alya’s support, and she wouldn’t change what had happened, but it had come at a cost to her kitty. Once again he paid the price for her. He always did.
That’s what he would say though it was his job to take hits for her, and once again he had taken the hit. She didn’t realize how much she relied on Chat Noir to keep her alive in her superhero form and now in her civilian form.
He was Atlas and her the world to him and no matter what she did he would hold her aloft as if she was everything to him. Yet she wouldn’t be revealing herself to him today he would go another day without the thing he wanted.
Just like every day he would wake up and bear the cost just a little heavier this time for her sake. The thought alone brought tears to her eyes as they sat on that roof.
She could never do right by him and once again she watched as he sacrificed himself for her, this time however no lucky charm would heal him or bring him back it was a black stain on his mind forever slowly chewing away at him till he gave.
He was strong though and one day he would be able to know who she is and hopefully that day will be as magical as he hoped it would be. That dream is forever marred though because she needed it to be.
“Do you know how much I trust you Chat Noir” she started softly.
“Yes, I know you trust-”
“But do you?”
“I thought I did”
“Chat Noir I trust you so much that just like in our superhero lives I selfishly sacrificed you in my civilian life. I broke down and it spilled from me and now my best friend knows. I sacrificed you so that I wouldn’t be alone. I trust you as if everything I do relies on you being the base and now it does. Maybe I didn’t even know how much until I sacrificed you as a civilian, It finally hit how important you are to me. I broke our most sacred rule in favor of someone who isn’t you because I trust you to a point in which I would die. Something you do for me every day holding me up as I add more weight to the burden we carry. Sometimes the stuff I’m trying to hold rolls down and leaves only you with that weight to carry. At the end of the day though you carry me and everything I have to carry, and I don’t know how you do it, and the guilt that consumes me when I think about it hurts. That’s how much I trust you Chat Noir.”
Chat Noir was left gaping at her and the way she described their partnership. He wanted to share the burdens and if that meant carrying her he would, but apparently, she already thought he was doing that.
“Chat the reason I didn’t come to you was that I was scared of losing the blind trust in each other that makes us so effective, though I think it’s already too late to recover that. I think I’ve done a substantial job in destroying your trust in me.”
“Oh”
“Yea, so I’m sorry but I needed someone to know.”
That was a lot for Chat to process he tried not to think about his burden it felt more as if he was constantly struggling to try and help and his Lady never let him. He had come to terms with his role in life to always be second or passed up in favor of someone or something else.
His father had conditioned it into him, but this time it felt different, he loved Ladybug, and even if she didn’t return his feelings he always hoped she trusted him. He knew now that she did and he needed to trust her.
Even if she kept hurting him till the day he died he would be by her side making sure whatever it is that needs to be done gets done. There partners and though he will not be the first to know her name he can always hope that one day he will.
“It’s ok”
“It’s not”
“Ok it's not and I'm hurt, but My Lady you needed support, and if mine isn’t enough then you should get someone else to help you no matter the cost.”
“Even if that cost is hurting you,” Ladybug asked tentatively glancing over to her partner who had straightened his posture and put on a cocky smile.
“My lady I give my life for you daily, no amount of hurt will make me leave were in this together”
“Thank you Chat, for everything”
“Hey cheer up it's you and me against the world right?” Chat Noir bumped her shoulder.
“Always”