Chapter Text
The anniversary of Phoenix’s disbarment, April 19th was never an easy day; his only saving grace was that it was immediately followed by what had come to be one of Phoenix’s favorite "holidays". To his delight, he had finally talked someone else into participating— everyone else, in actuality.
To his relief, Ema had agreed to babysit Trucy while they “celebrated”; this was especially convenient since she was his plug, too. How the hell she got into growing and distributing all while operating as a detective was beyond him.
I’m a woman of science,” she’d say. “I wanted to see if I could do it— mmm, no, of course I could. Now it’s fun to figure out which plants to cross-breed for optimal zoot potential.”
He didn’t ask too many questions, and no one else breathed a word about it to anyone else. Snitches get stitches, as they say, and Ema was certainly one who could necessitate many a stitch if need be.
“Here you go, Phoenix— one tray of special order brownies, eager to be consumed,” she declared with a self-satisfied smile.
“Ooh, they look so yummy!” Trucy beamed. “Can I try one before we go, Daddy?”
“NOPE, absolutely not!” Apollo bellowed from across the room.
“Hey, you’re not my daddy! Don’t tell me which brownies I can and can’t eat, Polly!” she argued.
“He’s right, Trucy— these are really special brownies, but they’re not for kids. I promise we can make brownies together when you get back, okay?”
“Okay…” Trucy said with a pout so adorable that Phoenix couldn’t help but smile. “But we’re getting the most gourmet chocolate on the market!”
“Sounds like a plan, Truce.”
The rest of the crew arrived shortly after Ema and Trucy left for their sleepover.
“Guten Tag, Phoenix Wright,” Franziska said smugly. “I am confident that we’ve procured ample snacks for getting ‘absolutely rocked’, as you Mary Jones users would say.”
“Uh, I don’t think those are quite the words you were looking for,” Phoenix chuckled. “But thanks for bringing all of this anyway. Believe it or not, I’m pretty sure we’ll plow through all of it.”
“I picked them all out, of course!” Maya chirped with a proud smile. “We got Funyuns, Doritos, cheesy puffcorn, Cheetos, so many Little Debbie snack cakes that we should really be calling her Big Debbie— you name it, we can munch it!”
“Thank you for your service, Maya,” Phoenix replied. “You certainly are our resident snack expert.”
“I still can’t believe you’ve talked me into this,” Edgeworth interjected with a low growl. “Do you understand how much jeopardy I am putting my career in to participate in these illicit drug-based shenanigans?”
Phoenix chuckled. “Oh I assure you, these shenanigans will be quite based.”
“Calm yourself, Herr Frilly,” Klavier said with an affirmative snap. “If it is any consolation, I’ve been doing this for many years, sometimes even in my office.”
“Excuse me?!” Edgeworth barked. “I am going to pretend you didn’t call me ‘Herr Frilly’ in favor of addressing the fact that you’ve used recreational drugs in your office ?! I should fire you immediately, you know!”
“Achtung, Herr Frilly— surely that means you will fire yourself first thing tomorrow morning, ja?” he winked.
“...Point taken.”
“Well, now that the gang’s all here— let’s dig in!” Phoenix proclaimed.
As a woman of science, naturally Ema had learned to craft the most delectable edibles the likes of man has ever seen. They opted to throw on Steel Samurai while they waited for the magic to start.
“Ooh, let’s take bets on who’s gonna feel it first!” Maya said brightly. “I think it’s gonna be…” she began, but she stopped halfway through her thought and froze with a goofy smile on her face.
“I believe the good Fräulein is feeling it,” Klavier giggled. He pulled out his guitar from nowhere and started to strum languidly as he turned to Apollo. “How are you, liebling?”
Apollo had all but collapsed onto Klavier, shamelessly leaning into him with his entire five-foot frame. “Oh, I am feeling it now, Mr. Krabs.”
“Mmm, baked crab...” Maya drooled. “Do we have any of that, Nick??”
“Hmm, not sure…” he said with all the urgency of a snail. “I’ll check the fridge.” He maundered over to the bookshelf, opening the doors to spite their glass panes and thoughtfully examining the contents. “Nope, all we have are books… is that good for you, Maya?”
“Have you ever wondered if crabs have feelings?” Miles pondered aloud, having all but melted into the couch. “I think they do. I used to think they were unnecessary, but I need them because feelings are necessary and crabs need them. I really do think crabs have feelings too, so please be nice to crabs, everyone.”
“You are so right, bestie,” Phoenix mumbled as he reclaimed his seat next to his husband, proud that he’d used some of the fun slang he’d picked up from the younguns.
“Oh, Phoenix my beloved, you’re here!” he said, throwing himself on top of Phoenix and wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling in close. “You give me all the feelings, my dear.”
“You give me more feelings than crabs can dream of,” Phoenix assured him with a pat on the back.
Franziska hadn’t said a word ever since she’d collapsed into a prone position on the floor, chuckling to herself.
“What’s so funny down there, Franz? Ooh ooh, is the carpet telling jokes?!” Maya asked excitedly. “Oh, I love when it does that :)”
“Come here,” Franziska said as she yanked Maya onto the floor with her. “There is someone down here I would like you to meet.”
She wiggled her whip between the two of them, each wobble tickling against their thighs; naturally, this had Maya giggling like a madwoman. “Snake… snake… snaaaaaah-kee ,” Franziska droned, quickly joining Maya in her contagious laughter.
“Guys!” Apollo yelped with urgency, shooting up to a seated from his place on Klavier. “This is really important!! What the fuck is the past-tense of yeet?!”
“Yote, fool,” Franziska deadpanned.
“Nein, fräuline— naturally it is yeeted,” Klavier said with a shake of his head.
“We are forgetting to consider yate,” Edgeworth pointed out thoughtfully. “I am so sorry that everyone forgets about you, yate. You deserve so much better than this.”
The argument quickly evolved into a heated quarrel in German, each of the prosecutors growing louder and louder as they hashed out what the fuck the past tense of yeet was.
“Aw, no fair! We need a secret language, too!” Maya pouted.
“We’ll work on that later; I’m too crushed that we won’t ever know what the past tense of yeet is to make up a whole language…” Phoenix said sadly.
“Wait… what the fuck does yeet mean?” Apollo asked earnestly.
“What does anything mean?” Edgeworth asked, quickly code switching into English. “Have you ever realized that we’ve just made everything up? Are things real??” Suddenly, his eyes lit up as if he’d had an epiphany. “That is what our lives are for, yes? Making more things up to contribute to the collective conscience of mankind?”
“Oh, good timing! I just made up my first word,” Phoenix declared proudly. “Hurgleburgle.”
Edgeworth smiled brightly, nuzzling into him once again. “You are so brilliant, my love. Please, tell me more about hurgleburgle.”
“Well, you see…” Phoenix stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Hurgleburgle is hurgleburgle.”
“I see,” Edgeworth nodded in complete understanding.
“I think it’s a kind of plant, maybe?”
“Much like Charley,” Franziska observed. “Although, if Charley were bipedal, he would be a man as he is already featherless, yes?”
“Oh, I’m so proud of you, Franzy— you’re so smart!” Maya beamed, cuddling close to her girlfriend on the carpet while shoveling snacks in her mouth.
“You know what? I’m gonna say it.” Apollo declared, shooting to up from his chair. “I think plants should vote.”
“I concur,” Edgeworth said with a nod. “Plants have chloro-feelings, which are certainly different than ours, but they are feelings nonetheless.”
“You are so right, bester Freund, plants should vote. Plant suffrage now !” Klavier cheered.
Franziska furiously cracked her whip in his general direction. “Rude. Why do you want plants to suffer, you horrific monster.”
“Oh no, no, I mean like plants should have human rights and vote and stuff,” Apollo explained.
“Ah, I see,” Franziska nodded. “I can certainly agree with you there, Herr Eyebrows.”
It didn’t take long for everyone to join in Klavier’s chant, and they found themselves marching around the office in an uproar. “Plant suffrage now!” they whooped in unison.
Little did they know that a butterfly had made their way into the room through the window during their plant suffrage rally; sadly, in their righteous march, someone had stomped the poor thing to death.
“STOP EVERYTHING,” Franziska yelled with a crack of her whip. “There has been a murder! To whomever has killed this butterfly in cold blood, your life is forfeit!”
“I will sing a lamentation to this unfortunate butterfly,” Klavier declared, wasting no time climbing onto the desk to perform a song that he was absolutely making up on the spot. “Achtung, baby— behold! I call this one ‘Butterfly Crime Scene’!”
The whole room erupted in cheers, eager to hear the rockstar’s latest musical musings.
He rattled off lyrics with a soft smile, strumming his guitar in time with the melody.
Grass from wings came off a while
And release the darkness within
Edgeworth was transfixed by the performing prosecutor, already near tears at the profundity of the lyrics. Phoenix nodded along as he clapped completely out of time with the song, but at least he had the spirit.
Chalk outlines on the floor reveal insights that I remorse
The butterfly effect makes me want to be there today
“Wow, who is this guy? He’s soooooo good,” Maya swooned.
“I had no idea you could sing so well, Miles Edgeworth,” Franziska said with amazement.
“Neither did I,” Miles wept. “Thank you so much, Franziska.”
I never struck a butterfly and here are you and I
“WOOOOO, that’s my husband!” Apollo screamed, banging his head along to the tender ballad.
They absolutely were not married.
Dead butterflies, dead butterflies
What could be better than a dead butterfly?
Butterfly crime scene!
Maya’s face twisted into a snarl. “BOOOOOO! Butterfly killer! Get off the stage!” she yelled, throwing a barrage of funyuns in his general direction.
“I will take your lyrical direction as a confession, Herr Himbo*,” Franziska said as she brandished her whip. (*Note: the author regrets this choice of word, but they will not rescind it, for they are cringe but they are free)
“You’ll never take me alive, Schwein!” Klavier shouted, waving his guitar in the air as if he were ready to smash it to smithereens
“Klavier, wait wait wait!!!!!” Apollo bellowed. “I have something so important to tell you before you become a fugitive!”
“What is it, schatzi?”
Apollo stooped down to retrieve one of Maya’s funyuns (which had missed its intended target entirely) and fell to one knee. “Klavier Gavin, you are the life of my whole fucking love; will you marry me?”
The room erupted in cheers and applause once more— Edgeworth all but burst into tears, and Phoenix wrapped his arms around him in a warm embrace. Franziska and Maya had also entangled themselves in each other’s arms, frantically jumping and squealing with girlish delight.
Klavier’s eyes sparkled as he leapt down from the desk. “Oh, Herr Forehead— ja, ja, of course I will!” He threw his arms around Apollo, effortlessly lifting him from the ground and twirling him about in ecstatic circles.
“I’m sorry all I have to give you is this cheeto,” Apollo whimpered.
“Nonsense, liebling— I adore doritos,” Klavier cooed. “May I try it on?”
He held his hand out to Apollo, who deftly hooped the funyun around Klavier’s finger; it dangled off of his finger, as no on earth has fingers the size of a fucking funyun.
“A perfect fit!” Klavier bubbled, wrapping Apollo in another hug and planting a fervent kiss on his lips, then whispering tenderly in his ear. “Ich liebe dich, schatzi.”
“I love dick, too, Klav,” Apollo mumbled through tears of joy.
“Phoenix, can we get married pretty please?” Edgeworth begged sweetly.
“We’re already married, dear,” Phoenix assured him with a laugh.
“Oh, wonderful news!” Edgeworth sobbed happily. “I will let Phoenix know that we don’t have to plan a wedding any longer.”
“Congratulations to everyone,” Franziska said to no one in particular with a polite curtsy. “I officially diagnose you with Big Gay.”
“Danke schön for the big gay, fräulein.” Klavier replied graciously.
“Wait, wait! Is big gay contagious?” Maya asked, eyes wide with concern.
“It’s okay, everyone in this room already has the big gay,” Phoenix assured them.
“Even Charley?!” Apollo exclaimed.
“Yep, even Charley.”
“Hold the fucking phone,” Apollo interjected. “I thought The Big Gay was what created the universe?”
“That is also correct, Herr Forehead,” Klavier nodded. “You have a massive brain behind that lovely forehead, schatz.”
“Oh my gosh, yay! Double gay wedding!!” Maya cheered.
“ Double gay wedding? Who else is getting gay married, liebling?” Franziska asked.
“Us, silly!”
“Oh, do you mean it?! Oh this is simply delightful news, meine Geliebte!” Franziska cheered. “I simply must tell Maya immediately!”
“Oh yeah, go tell her!” Maya said, nodding eagerly. “When you find her, let’s take a picture all together okay?!”
“I will gladly take the gay photo,” Klavier offered as he pulled out his phone. “Everyone, gather around! Say Käse!”
Everyone smiled brightly and said Käse as Klavier button mashed in the calculator app.
“You’re so good at pictures babe,” Apollo gushed. “You should do the photography at my wedding; I’m sure Klavier would love your work.”
“I will ask him next time I see him,” Klavier smiled, turning to Charley. “May I do the photos at your gay wedding, Herr Charley?"
To this day, Klavier swears that Charley nodded.
The rest of the evening passed in jubilant nonsense; they watched more Steel Samurai, played some extremely competitive rounds of Wii bowling, and devoured every last snack until everyone passed out for some much needed rest.
It was Phoenix’s favorite holiday for a reason, and this one had been the best by far.