Chapter Text
“In time, Magnus will come to resent you. Until the bitter end.”
“I’m here to prevent that future. To get him his magic and his immortality back.”
“Fine. I’ll restore both. Under one condition. End your relationship.”
Alec stilled. He’d expected — well, he didn’t really know what he’d expected. That probably wasn’t a good idea when summoning a greater demon , but… well, he’d never claimed any of this was a particularly good idea. He needed to get Magnus his magic back — Magnus’s broken sobs, his declaration that he could never be happy again, were permanently seared into his memory — but this wasn’t… Magnus would refuse if he knew, but Asmodeus likely wouldn’t let him know.
Breaking up with Magnus… He wouldn’t let Alec go easily, and if Alec couldn’t explain why he was doing this, he’d have to convince Magnus that he didn’t love him anymore, or at least that he wasn’t worth it.
Could he put Magnus through that kind of heartache? After Camille, after all the others who refused to treat Magnus’s huge, incredibly kind heart with the love and consideration it deserved? After he’d promised himself he would never again hurt Magnus?
Breaking up with Magnus, now , would only solidify Magnus’s opinion that he was useless, unloveable, without his magic. Alec wasn’t sure that having his magic back again would be enough to counter the pain, the hurt, the insecurities that Magnus would have.
Magnus would recover from losing him, of that Alec was certain. Magnus had known what he was getting into when he started dating Alec, a mortal; he was strong, he had friends who could help him through the loss. But Alec wouldn’t be dying, he’d be breaking Magnus’s heart, breaking it intentionally , and there was nothing he’d less like to do.
But what was the alternative?
Alec came to his decision.
“No. I will do anything — anything — but that.”
“Too selfish to break up with him?” Asmodeus laughed. “You say you’ll do anything but that, hm? Well then, if you are so certain that you would accept any other condition, I offer you another deal.” Asmodeus grinned. “I give Magnus his magic and his immortality back, and in exchange, I take his memories of you.”
Asmodeus was clearly expecting Alec to refuse. He’d interpreted Alec’s first “no” as selfishness, an unwillingness to lose Magnus. And maybe it was selfish of Alec to not want to become another Camille to Magnus, but mainly, he just didn’t want Magnus to experience another Camille.
Alec’s rejection of the first deal had been a gut-wrench refusal, unreasoning and not thought out. He needed to think about this logically.
If Magnus had never lost his magic, Alec would die and, sooner or later, he would have to leave Magnus alone. Not great, but they might have had approaching fifty years together. Now, however, that couldn’t happen.
If Alec refused this deal, he would still probably die before Magnus ( perks of being a Shadowhunter , he thought grimly) and leave him alone, but this time, Magnus wouldn’t have his magic. Magnus would be miserable for the rest of his life. Unacceptable.
If Alec asked for the first deal back, which Asmodeus would probably allow him, Magnus would be the same as he was before he sacrificed all he had for Alec, except with more heartache, more pain. A second Camille. Maybe even another bridge, but Magnus was strong, and he had Cat, and Raphael. It wouldn’t come to that, in all likelihood, but it was still not a good choice.
If Alec accepted the deal, Magnus would go back to how he was before he met Alec, with none of the heartache Asmodeus’s first deal would bring. He might not be as happy as he could be with Alec — he’d said that, before Alec, he’d been starting to calcify, shutting everyone out of his heart, and Alec was aware enough to know that Magnus had chosen to love him despite the knowledge that he’d die — but that was no longer possible. He needed to do the next best thing. This was far, far better than either of the other options.
It was a betrayal, to let Asmodeus take Magnus’s memories. He’d be letting Asmodeus mess with Magnus’s head. Alec recalled Magnus’s lecture on the complexities of magical removal of memories: anything that was both permanent and couldn’t be returned without the help of the caster had to be consensual, but the consent could come from either the person who would no longer be remembered, or the one whose memories were being altered. With Alec’s permission, Asmodeus could take any memories of Magnus’s with Alec in them, or alter the memories to exclude Alec, but he couldn’t touch anything else. (Magnus had paused partway through, worried that he’d been boring Alec. Alec had in fact found the information fascinating, but — as he proceeded to inform Magnus — he could probably read the dictionary and Alec would love to hear him. Magnus had beamed, bright and wide, and launched back into the explanation.)
Magnus wouldn’t be harmed, he’d have his magic back, and even if he would have preferred to have Alec at his side, well… at least he wouldn’t know what he was missing.
There was only one choice that Alec could make.
“I accept.”
He would never recover, but that was irrelevant.
Asmodeus blinked. His wrong-footedness was swiftly hidden under the same sneering, cruel exterior, but Alec had noted the brief flash of surprise and worry. Asmodeus had been so confident in Alec’s refusal that he’d phrased it as an offer of a deal — and Asmodeus could no longer back out. Alec held the cards, now.
“Are you sure, little angel?” Asmodeus taunted. Alec suppressed any reaction at the term. “You want him to look at you and see just another hated Nephilim, nothing more? I am very good at removing memories, little angel, and I can assure you that he will feel absolutely nothing for you by the time I’m done.”
The words struck home, but in some other Alec, one that took things for himself, that walked down the aisle to kiss Magnus at his failed wedding to Lydia, the selfish part that had been quietly looking forward to growing old with Magnus, that had been planning to propose. The useless part. Alec was practiced at shoving that Alec aside, leaving only the efficient Head of the Institute, unfeeling as he had to be to do what had to be done, the Shadowhunter, the politician, the schemer.
Both Alecs were Magnus’s, wholly and completely, but only one Alec was capable of going through with this. The Alec who tried to get what he wanted had flourished with Magnus, stronger now that Alec could remember him being, but Alec the shadowhunter was still stronger. He had years of practice being cold and unfeeling, and more than that, he knew that only the ruthless Alec could get Magnus his magic back.
Could make Magnus happy again.
“Do not suppose that you can simply get back together with him. I will consider the deal broken.”
That was just par for the course, Alec supposed. The other Alec was sobbing, begging for another way, but that didn’t matter. Alec didn’t matter, not when compared to Magnus.
“I’ve heard that Nephilim only love once. You would give up your chance to be happy, little angel? Or would you prefer anything else ?”
Anything else , the pointless Alec begged.
“I have already accepted the deal.”
“Very well, then.” Asmodeus was unhappy about this, although he hid it well. He’d get Alec’s misery, certainly, but he cared more for the magic. “At noon tomorrow, I will remove all his memories of you in exchange for his magic and his immortality.” Asmodeus paused. “I suggest you say your goodbyes.”
Alec nodded, and Asmodeus disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~
Alec decided not to tell Magnus about the deal. Asmodeus hadn’t specified if he could or not, but he didn’t want Magnus to be upset, or try to find a way out. Alec wasn’t sure if Magnus would try to break the deal or not, but since Alec was fairly certain that it couldn’t be broken, he would avoid causing Magnus the pain of knowing what would happen beforehand.
And even if Magnus didn’t try to break the deal, wanted his magic back more than he cared for Alec — the sentimental Alec flinched away from the thought, but he knew that it was a possibility — Magnus would be unhappy. Magnus had a bad habit of self-sacrifice — that was, after all, how this happened in the first place — and he wouldn’t want Alec to give up his happiness for Magnus’s.
Alec was capable of it, he was sure. He was not a good actor, but he had plenty of practice in compartmentalizing his emotions. Magnus was very good at reading through his shields, but he wouldn’t be faking an emotion, just… shutting off part of what he was feeling.
He could do this.
~~~~~~~~~
Alec didn’t get back to Magnus until late. He’d arranged for the morning off the next day, to spend with Magnus ( because by the afternoon, you won’t have the right to spend any time with him at all anymore ) and that required completing large piles of paperwork. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to do much anyway, constantly wondering if Asmodeus had come yet, where Magnus was, how long he had left.
Magnus smiled when Alec came in. He’d pulled up some of his walls again, some light makeup on, but Alec could still see the vulnerability, the pain. He couldn’t believe he’d missed it — ignored it, more like , the ruthless Alec thought — but now that he knew it was there, it was obvious.
Alec leaned in to press a kiss to Magnus’s lips — shoving away the knowledge that soon you won’t be able to do this — and cupped Magnus’s face in his hands. “Hey.”
“Hello, darling.” Magnus seemed tired, but he wasn’t going to break down.
Alec pressed another kiss to Magnus’s forehead. “Sleep?” he asked.
Magnus nodded against Alec’s neck, pressing a kiss to his collarbone. Alec began to get ready for bed, making sure Magnus didn’t notice the Lightwood ring still in his pocket. He did want to use it.
He’d like to know what Magnus would say before he lost the opportunity.
It was selfish. Alec wanted to do this. Asmodeus would probably vanish the ring when he took Magnus’s memories, anyway, but… it couldn’t hurt Magnus, and it would be a few hours of joy for both of them. (Well, hopefully. Magnus could still refuse.) The only concession to the Alec who put his own happiness into the equation.
But he wouldn’t propose tonight. It was too late, and Alec wanted at least some time to plan. Maybe breakfast in bed?
So, despite the pain that was waiting just around the corner, Alec smiled to himself as he tugged Magnus into the bathroom and began to remove his makeup. It had become a bit of a ritual of theirs, and Alec loved gently removing the armour that protected Magnus from the world.
Once they were curled up together in Alec’s bed, Alec held Magnus close. The last time I’ll be able to hold him . No , he corrected himself, the last time Magnus will struggle to sleep, to relax, because he feels so helpless. The last time Magnus will need me.
Still, he didn’t fall asleep until he struggled to keep his eyes open. He wanted to imprint this on his memory, to last him through the interminable years he knew were coming.