Chapter Text
--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 3:00 AM--
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TG: karkat if my name was chad buskin would you still love me
CG: WHAT?
TG: come on man i need to know
CG: NO.
TG: yeah man thats legit
TG: thats the only correct answer actually
TG: if you said yes idk if we could be together anymore
CG: THE SECOND YOU INTRODUCED YOURSELF I WOULD HAVE IMMEDIATELY TURNED AROUND AND WALKED OFF A CLIFF.
CG: JUST KNOWING THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD NAMED CHAD FUCKING BUSKIN AND THAT I NOW HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO KNOW THEM WOULD BE THE END OF ME.
TG: aw man cursed timeline chad buskin me is living the worst existence ever doesnt even have a karkat to take away the pain of being named chad buskin
CG: IF YOU SAY THAT NAME ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I'M BLOCKING YOU.
TG: thats fair
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TG: nudes
CG: ...
CG: EXCUSE ME?
CG: IF YOU ARE GOING TO TEXT ME AT 3AM DEMANDING NUDES THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS SAY PLEASE.
TG: oh holy shit
TG: dude
TG: i meant to say dude
CG: SURE YOU DID! I TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT!
TG: why the fuck would i just text you the word nudes
CG: WHY WOULD YOU JUST TEXT ME THE WORD DUDE AND NOT IMMEDIATELY GO INTO A RANT ABOUT WHATEVER INANE SHIT YOUR THINKPAN DECIDED TO SPEW?
TG: oh yeah no that was gonna happen but then i dropped my phone in the tub
TG: its ok though this case is fucking tight didnt let any water leak in
CG: WHY ARE YOU IN THE TUB AT 3AM?
TG: self care dude
TG: self care
CG: GO TO BED!
TG: naw man i stole one of roses bath bombs im going all out new year new me got some champagne gonna do a body scrub hair mask face mask all the masks
CG: YOU'RE JUST SITTING IN THE TUB WITH THE SHOWER RUNNING, AREN'T YOU?
TG: no why would you think that when have i ever done that
CG: SEND ME A PICTURE THEN. PROVE IT.
TG: now whos asking for nudes wow
TG: fine im sitting in the tub with the shower running
TG: are you happy now karkat are you
CG: I AM COMING OVER THERE AND I AM MAKING YOU GO TO BED. GET OUT OF THE SHOWER.
TG: hahahahaha good luck getting me out of here while the water is still hot
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TG: why dont numbers come in caps
TG: like does that ever bother you
TG: youre always text shouting but you cant shout numbers karkat you cant do it how does that make you feel
CG: I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, HONESTLY.
CG: NUMBERS KIND OF TAKE UP THE SAME SPACE AS CAPITAL LETTERS. MAYBE THERE'S NO LOWERCASE NUMBERS, ACTUALLY.
TG: holy fucking shit
TG: you solved it dude
TG: holy shit
TG: yes
CG: YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME.
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TG: friendship chains
TG: do you ever think about them like
TG: fucking wild bro
CG: OKAY, I'LL BITE.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FRIENDSHIP CHAIN?
TG: like you know
TG: you got a friend and your friend has friends who arent your friends and then *those* friends have friends that arent your friends friends and then your friends friend friends also have different friends
TG: and like you have a party or something an open hang a big group event and you invite your friends and then your friends invite their friends and sometimes those friends also invite their friends too and then youre like who the fuck are all these people i dont know half the people here these arent my friends
TG: but theyre like
TG: in your friendship chain
TG: so you just find yourself at random places sometimes like haha whos house even is this how do i know the host i dont how do my friends know the host oh they dont either how many friendship chain links deep are we
CG: WHO'S HOUSE ARE YOU AT RIGHT NOW?
TG: dude i have no fucking clue
CG: WHO ARE YOU WITH?
TG: roxy
CG: DOES ROXY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
TG: naw she came because latula invited her
TG: but latula doesnt know whoevers house this is either someone else invited her
CG: AMAZING.
CG: IF ROXY IS YOUR SISTER, IS IT TECHNICALLY STILL A FRIENDSHIP CHAIN, THOUGH?
TG: wow way to imply me and roxy arent the best of friends buddies for life the greatest pals you ever saw
TG: anyway i need you to come get me
CG: WHAT WHY
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?
TG: oh yeah im cool lower that blood pressure babe
TG: i locked my keys in the car
TG: and latula is nowhere to be found and me and roxy dont fucking know who any of these other people are not getting into any strangers cars oh fucking no
CG: AND ALSO I HAVE YOUR SPARE KEYS.
TG: that too
TG: i actually forgot about that that makes everything a whole lot easier aint gonna have to leave my car at some random dudes house and figure shit out later
TG: see you soon youre the best
CG: I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO COME.
TG: but youre going to
CG: YES, I'M GOING TO. SEND ME THE FUCKING ADDRESS.
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TG: <#
TG: <4
TG: >3
TG: ,3
CG: DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
TG: <3
TG: hah
TG: go tit
CG: ARE YOU DRUNK?
CG: ALSO <3
TG: a lkittle naybe
TG: bvyt nop boke my phpne scvren
CG: I'M CALLING YOU
DAVE: yo dude
KARKAT: YOU BROKE YOUR PHONE SCREEN? BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK?
DAVE: oh no dude i was joking about that haha hard to tell through that nonsense i guess
DAVE: i mean joking about the drunk part i did break the phone screen and it is fucking hard to get the touchscreen letters working you know
KARKAT: HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO DO THAT?
DAVE: terezis fault
KARKAT: THAT EXPLAINS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
DAVE: it fell out of my pocket and she stepped on it
DAVE: not very exciting haha
KARKAT: I AM BOTH REGRETTING NOT GOING TO THAT RIDICULOUS PARTY WITH THE TWO OF YOU AND ALSO SO PLEASED I DECIDED TO STAY HOME.
DAVE: haha you arent missing much were both gonna leave now anyway
DAVE: tz has a ride home but can i come crash at your place
DAVE: i had like two white claws
DAVE: so i am obviously in no state to be going anywhere except your dorm
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE HAD ZERO WHITE CLAWS AND YOU'D STILL BE ASKING TO COME TO MY DORM.
KARKAT: I'LL COME DOWN TO LET YOU INTO THE BUILDING, JUST GET YOU AND YOUR BUSTED PHONE OVER HERE.
DAVE: fuckin sweet on my way
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TG: baja bro you are my baja world
CG: IF I SQUINT MY EYES AND TURN MY PHONE UPSIDE DOWN THAT IS ALMOST POSSIBLY SOMETHING SOMEONE MIGHT CONSIDER ROMANTIC.
TG: dude this is straight from my baja heart what the fuck
TG: just gonna knock my attempts at romance like that i see how it is
CG: DON'T YOU MEAN "BAJA ROMANCE"?
TG: no dude why would i say that that sounds fucking dumb
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TG: can you talk to me for a bit just like i dont even fucking care about what just say some shit
CG: UH I'M SURE I CAN COME UP WITH SOME NONSENSE TO SPOUT AT YOU. IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?
TG: no
TG: dont want to talk about it right now
TG: just
TG: literally go off about anything i dont even care if its fucking 50 first dates or something
CG: I AM OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO GO OFF ABOUT 50 FIRST DATES IF YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.
CG: MUSIC AND LYRICS, THOUGH, I REALLY THINK YOU'D ENJOY THAT ONE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED THIS BEFORE HONESTLY.
TG: oh hell yes drew barrymore and hugh grant much more exciting do go on
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TG: why is a pomegranate bursting blue
CG: I AM LITERALLY IN YOUR ROOM WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME.
TG: long walk from the kitchen to my room dude loads of wonders down here
CG: I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP. SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DONE DIGGING THROUGH YOUR FRIDGE.
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TG: im on thin fucking ice man
CG: WHY?
CG: WITH WHO?
TG: i have no idea i just woke up and like
TG: just knew in my soul that i was on thin fucking ice
TG: just in general
CG: YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY ON THIN FUCKING ICE YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD A WEIRD DREAM.
TG: haha yeah
TG: i mean like maybe i am with someone who knows
CG: FOR SOME REASON I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO POINT OUT THAT YOU ARE NOT ON THIN FUCKING ICE WITH ME. SUPRISINGLY, CONSIDERING HOW FUCKING OFTEN YOU TEXT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
TG: oh cool thats good this ice is thick as shit
TG: i am like actually awake now i have no idea what im on about
CG: THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
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TG: if you were an animal what kind would you be i think youd be a crab like a little one just all tiny and angry going around pinching shit for the thrill of it
CG: WHY DID YOU ASK ME THIS QUESTION IF YOU ALREADY HAD AN ANSWER FOR IT?
TG: i mean like i need your opinion on this too dude my opinions about what animal you would be may be valid as all hell but you have a right to choose like im not just gonna assign you as crab and be like nope dude youre a crab now no takes backsies not even gonna ask your thoughts on this
CG: ...
CG: WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE?
TG: crow
CG: WHY A CROW?
TG: terezi assigned me as crow when we were like 14 it is legally binding no takes backsies the orange crowsona dave is eternal
CG: I HAVE SO MANY FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT BUT
CG: A CRAB AND A CROW. NICE. VERY ALLITERATIVE.
TG: oh shit yeah it is
TG: thanks tz nice foresight there
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TG: dick
CG: WHOSE DICK???
CG: ONCE AGAIN, NOT THE WAY YOU SHOULD BE ASKING FOR NUDES.
TG: oh my god ahahahahahaha holy fuck
TG: *duck*
TG: theres a duck outside my house
CG: WHY IS THERE A DUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS AT 3:30 AM?
CG: IS THERE REALLY A DUCK OR IS THAT JUST YOU TRYING TO COVER YOUR ABSOLUTE INEPTITUDE
--turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] amiaduckoramiadick.png--
CG: HOLY FUCK THERE IS A DUCK WHAT THE HELL IS IT EVEN DOING THERE?
TG: i have absolutely no idea dude im throwing peas at it out my window and its running around trying to catch them all this is the best day of my life
TG: what would you have done if that was a dick and not a duck do you really trust me that much
CG: I'D ASK WHAT WHISKY DICK ASSMUNCH HAD HACKED YOUR ACCOUNT BECAUSE YOU HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SENT ME DICKPICS AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK YOU'D START NOW.
TG: aw babe you have such faith in me thanks
--turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] maybeitsadickthistime.png--
CG: THAT IS A VERY ARTISTICLY RENDERED PICTURE OF A BAG OF FROZEN PEAS IN YOUR LAP, I'M IMPRESSED.
TG: yeah thanks going to add it to my portfolio theyll probably just let me graduate early like yup theres nothing more we can teach you be free little crow man
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TG: if you ate a crabcake would it be cannibalism
CG: I DON'T EVEN EAT SEAFOOD.
TG: yeah i know is it because its cannibalism
CG: YES, DAVE. IT IS OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE IT'S CANNIBALISM.
TG: i fucking knew it
CG: GO TO SLEEP, YOU LUNATIC.
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TG: what if i got a tramp stamp of clipart fruit
CG: YOU HATE NEEDLES.
TG: i mean yeah cant trust those things fuck em
TG: but what if i did what would you do
CG: PROBABLY BUY YOU ICE CREAM LIKE I DID THE LAST TIME YOU GOT A FLU SHOT.
TG: oh shit yeah definitely worth it then
TG: i cant believe im going to go get a clipart tattoo so youll buy me ice cream
CG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I COULD PROBABLY BE CONVINCED TO JUST BUY YOU ICE CREAM.
TG: no im gonna
CG: YOU'RE NOT.
TG: yeah im really not you totally owe me ice cream anyway though
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TG: karcrab did u kno youre the cutiest
CG: HI, ROXY. WHY ARE YOU ON DAVE'S ACCOUNT?
TG: ah shit i been caught
CG: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT WAS A CONVINCING MESSAGE?
TG: naw if i wanted to actally pretend to be dave youd never kno
TG: *actually
TG: oh shit sorry dude dont know what the hell roxy is doing on my phone
TG: she is right though youre the cutiest
CG: THIS IS STILL ROXY.
TG: is it rly so unbeliefable hed call you the cutitest
TG: *unbelievable *cutie tits lol
CG: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS EVER CALLED ME THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
TG: im gonna have a talk with that boi
TG: cant have him not tellin u all about how cute u are
TG: but no hes sleep talkin he totes said that
--turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] cutietitsdavekarkathellya.mp4--
CG: ...
CG: HE IS LITERALLY SAYING ABSOLUTE GIBBERISH. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE HUMAN LANGUAGE WORD AMONGST THIS NONSENSE COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH. ANY SYLLABLE THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE CARRYING SOME SEMBLENCE OF MEANING AND REASON WOULD BE ENTIRELY STIFFLED BY THE FACT THAT HE IS FACEDOWN ON THE FLOOR.
TG: naw naw its his secret dave language im translatin it
CG: IS HE ALRIGHT SHOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR THING?
TG: oh naw were havin a sleepover
TG: bitch fell asleep the second we finished our pillow fort jus conked out on top of his phone
TG: which i rescued his face from obvs bc i am the best sister
CG: HOW CHARITABLE OF YOU. ROLL HIM OVER OR SOMETHING SO HE DOESN'T CHOKE ON HIS OWN DROOL.
TG: lmao yes sir
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TG: dude are you good your twitter rants are getting increasingly verbose and ragey
TG: like more than usual i mean
TG: like not haha fun im yelling about adam sandler ragey like actual ragey
TG: ...
TG: is uh is this rant about me are you mad at me
TG: did i do something
TG: like i probably did im always doing something but like
TG: idk
TG: say something man
TG: or not thats fine sorry ill stop bugging you
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK
CG: NO, I'M NOT RANTING ABOUT YOU, DUMBASS. WHY WOULD I BE RANTING ABOUT YOU?
CG: FUCK I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY ISSUE IS I'M DELETING MY FUCKING ACCOUNT.
CG: YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE SORRY I'M A MORON AS USUAL.
TG: oh good
TG: want me to come over you doing okay
CG: YOU DON'T NEED TO COME OVER.
TG: im coming over
CG: IT'S 2:30 AM AND IT'S A LONG FUCKING DRIVE.
TG: already got the keys got my shoes im doing it
CG: NORMALLY I WOULD ARGUE MORE BUT NO I'M GOING TO BE SELFISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE. YES PLEASE DRIVE FOR ALMOST AN HOUR BECAUSE I'M BEING A HUGE BABY.
TG: bet i can make it in half that
CG: ABSOLUTELY DO NOT FUCKING DO THAT.
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TG: 8uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhl
CG: ???
CG: DID YOU FALL ASLEEP ON YOUR LAPTOP AGAIN?
CG: I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES.
CG: GOODNIGHT. RIP TO YOUR FACE IN THE MORNING.
CG: <3
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--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at literally never honestly--