Chapter Text
At a PM/ADA meeting:
Mori and Fukuzawa: *glaring at each other*
ADA members: *getting ready to make a run for it*
PM members: *varying degrees of exasperation, irritation, and just-really-sick- and-tired-of-this-tion*
Fukuzawa: What. did. you. do.
Mori: *smirks* I have no idea what you are talking about.
Fukuzawa: Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about, Rintarou.
Mori: *voice drops to a whisper* No, I really don't, Yukichi.
ADA members: *very confused about what is going on*
PM members: *groaning and covering their faces*
Elise: *finally having enough*
Hey, can the two of you just stop dancing around each other and resolve your sexual tension already, this shitty attempt at flirting is making all of us here very uncomfortable.
*To Fukuzawa* You have been simping over Rintarou for literally years and still haven't confessed yet. Don't try to deny it, I've seen the way you look at him.
*To Mori* And you! You have been endlessly singing praises about him to me for years! I am so sick and tired of hearing you bemoaning him quitting his job as your bodyguard, of hearing you plotting ways to get him to come back, of watching you stockpiling an entire cellar of gifts for him! And that's not even over the years, noooo, not even that. It has to be every. Fucking. Birthday.
Mori:
Fukuzawa:
Everyone else:
Elise: And that's not even the end of it! After he—
Chuuya: What the absolute fuck.
Elise: *turns to him*
Chuuya: *realizes he fucked up big time*
Elise: *inhales*
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOUR GAY ASS, FUCKING SIMPING OVER DAZAI AND CRYING ABOUT HIM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME YOU GOT DRUNK
"oh boo hoo, why did Dazai leave me, come backkkkkkk" EVERY TIME YOU TOOK ME ON A SHOPPING TRIP I COULD HEAR YOU MUTTERING STUFF LIKE "Dazai would like this" AND "huh, this suits Dazai" AND FOR EVERY HOLIDAY AND ON HIS BIRTHDAY YOU WOULD STILL BUY PRESENTS FOR HIM AND WRAP THEM UP DESPITE KNOWING THAT THERE WAS ALMOST 0% OF EVER MEETING HIM SGAIN ON CIVIL TERMS! THAT PLUS THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STILL LIVING IN FUCKING DENIAL JUST MAKES ME WANT TO YEET YOU INTO A FUCKING WALL
*inhales*
*exhales*
Dazai: just staring blankly at Chuuya and Elise
Chuuya: choking and being a human tomato
Ranpo: Elise, you are now my bestie.
Elise: Sure.
Atsushi: HOW ARE THE TWO OF YOU GETTIN
G ALONG?!?
Elise: Eh, dunno, same way you and Akutagawa do but not as close.
Atsushi:... but we're not besties.. ?
Elise: That's what I meant by "not as close"
Atsushi: Oh, ok
Elise: Because the 2 of you are closer.
Atsushi: JSHEYGEBEJHSHWJKWIY2TEVBE
Akutagawa: We are no such thing!
Elise: Sure, keep telling yourself that.
Atsushi: I—what—don't even—We're just friends!
Akutagawa: I am not friends with that foolish Jinko!
Atsushi: I thought we were friends... *cue hurt face*
Akutagawa: *slightly guilty expression*
Elise: Don't you dare say that, I just saw your expression, I know guilt when I see it, and I just saw it.
Akutagawa: I did not—
Elise: I know what I saw. Are you seriously still trying to deny it? IF YOU ARE YOU SUCK AT IT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW A LOST CAUSE WHEN YOU SEE ONE! YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR JINKO OBSESSION! EVEN WHEN RINTAROU TOLD YOU TO DROP IT AND STOP TRYING TO CAPTURE ATSUSHI, NOOOOOO, YOU JUST HAD TO GO AFTER HIM, OVER AND OVER AGAIN! AND EVERY SINGLE TIME BEFORE YOU LEFT, YOU HAD THAT FACE THAT TEENAGERS SNEAKING OUT TO MEET THEIR BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS HAVE! AND EVERY TIME YOU CAME BACK FROM ONE OF YOUR "FIGHTS" , YOU WERE LITERALLY SMILING. S. M. I. L. I. N. G.
AND WHOEVER THAT MADE AN EDGY EMO EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED IDIOT LIKE YOU SMILE IS DEFINITELY NOT "JUST A FRIEND"
C'mon Ranpo we're going
Ranpo: ah, sure
*they leave through the open door*
*everyone else still standing there in shock, except for Atsushi and Chuuya, who are still choking*
Bomus:
Elise: So... When are you and Poe going to get married?