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It's eleven AM on a Saturday morning and Shinso has two problems. And none of those are the English assignments he still owes to Present Mic or the hundred algebra exercises Ectoplasm left for the weekend, thank you.
But no.
Those were his enemies from the night before –not because he did any of them, but because thinking about procrastinating them kept him awake—, his current enemies were the morning light seeping through the window he had forgotten to close and the song in Spanish Sero was blasting from his speaker.
Sero singing along was a worse enemy than his speaker.
"Hooooy no voy a saliirrr, y voy a quedarme en la nube donde nadie suuube! No vengas a molestar, dicen que está todo mal, bueno. Waaaah, yo estoy más que bien acá! Y no te pienso ni mirarr" Shinso turned around, and placed his pillow over his head in a fruitless attempt at muffling the sound. As if that would make Sero go away.
"Shinso!" The loud motherfucker exclaimed. Shinso moaned into his pillow. He just wanted to sleep. Was that so much to ask?
"What?" He grumbled.
"Thank god you're awake." Sero should THANK GOD (and in capital letters too) that Shinso was not awake enough to mindfuck his ass into dancing naked to his stupid song in front of principal Nezu.
"I wasn't." Shinso lifted his face from the pillow with every intention to strike the fear of God into his idiot friend with his eyes.
But Sero looked to be in a fair amount of anxiety, which Shinso was inclined to believe he deserved for waking him up. But, the idiot tapping his fingers on Shinso's white desk, then pacing, chasing around his poor cat and singing to himself (Párense siempre derechos, cállenlo, sédenlo, que haga lo que quiera pero sáquenlo, cállenlo, sédenlo) as if all the words were only one might be an indication that he needed to worry about why Sero had come to wake him.
"I need your help like right now." Sero said, and Shinso begrudgingly decided that maybe there was half a good reason for the interruption of his rest.
"Is everything alright?" He asked, preparing himself mentally to slip out of his oh so comfortable bed.
"I mean yeah." Well, nevermind, he had a twelve hour nap waiting for him. Shinso turns right back to sleep, ready to burrow himself again into his covers. But Sero is fucking stubborn when he wants to be, so Shinso should have expected him to grab him by the shoulders to turn him around again and force him to hear him. Why did he have to surrender to friendship? It did not seem to be paying him.
"Pleaaase." Sero whines.
"Sero, I haven't gotten ten hours of sleep in the past week. What. Do. You. Want." Shinso was going to snap and forget about being nice in ten, nine, eight…
"I need your help to scam Mineta." Okay, now that caught his attention. He is always down to fuck up the useless little pervert. Shinso sat in his bed and cracked his back while looking at Sero, indicating that he should carry on. Sero took it as an indication to sit too and sat himself on Shinso's purple carpet. "Yeah. Okay, so long story short, I pretended to be his discord kitten." Weird flex but okay.
"As one does." Should he tell Sero that his overgrown rat of a cat tended to use that carpet as a litter box when he was on a mood? He did wash it, somewhat regularly, but… nah Sero deserved it for waking him up.
"As one does!" He says, apparently excited at his phrasing or whatever. "And I've been getting him to Pay Line me money for video game skins." Wasn't that easy to get for free? And, like, useless too? Some lame scamming that was.
"Video game skins?" Shinso wasn't much of a gamer, but his cousin was and he always said they were a waste of money.
Sero made a show of opening quotation marks with his fingers when he spoke again.
""Video game skins"" Okay, so not for actual video game skins. "But he asked me to get in a discord call with him in like'' Sero checked his phone, and turned up the volume of his song, "five minutes, oh I love this part gimme a few seconds (Y si ahora gritamos y cantamos en modo de PROTESTA ES PORQUE PREGUNTAMOS BIEN Y NADIE NOS DIO UNA RESPUESTA) okay, so where was I?"
"Discord call with the pervert, kitten." Sero had the gall to blush, ha, was he really not expecting to get teased after everything he had said? Bitch was lucky Shinso didn't know Spanish to make proper fun of his stupid music too.
"Right. So, thing is we haven't done that yet and he thinks that I'm a girl and I know you have that voice modifier," Sero mimics a mask over his face and then points to Shinso's nightstand, as if Shinso did not know what a voice modifier was or that he possessed one or where his was. Tsk.
"What's in it for me?" Shinso smirked at his friend. Time for business.
"I'll split my ""video game skins"" with you." Eh, he could work with that. Plus the opportunity to scam Mineta was a prize in and of itself.
Kissing his twelve hour nap goodbye, Shinso said, "Pass me a monster from the fridge and gimme that phone."
"Yess!" Could Sero become quieter somehow? Nah, he didn't think so. First Shinso received Sero's phone, then the monster.
"You're paying for my therapy."
"Absolutely, can therapy come in the form of memes?"
"No, but I'll accept your mom's croissants. Also, turn that shit down, it's too damn early." Sero looked doubly offended. Hehe.
"Medialunas you mean to say."
"Potato, tomato." Oh, that always got him.
"And it's not early." Shinso ignored that. And started putting on his mask and turning it on.
"You want my help or not, idiot?"
"You're mean and disrespectful to my culture."
"You're mean and disrespectful to my sleeping schedule, so get fucked." Sero looked at him as if he had just kicked his cat in the gut, so Shinso decided to stop, for now. Then, he started scrolling through Mineta and Sero's discord conversation.
Mineta called himself DaddyGrapeJuiceMasturb8or. Fuck, cursed shit was too good sometimes.
Shinso bit his lips, trying not to laugh at how pathetic that was. He failed. He started snickering, and ended up cackling. He would never look at the guy again in his life without thinking about that.
Then he saw a picture of Mineta's small junk and all joy left his body, while the monster he was sipping got stuck in his throat. After a few coughs Shinso cringed. That was one small dick to be proud enough to spam photoshoot like that. Have a little self awareness, dude. Also, ew.
"Sero, seriously, you're paying for my therapy, this is disgusting." Sero peeked at what Shinso was scrolling through and shuddered, backing away quickly.
"I know. I can offer bleach for your eyes if you'd like."
"Much appreciated, and the medas-meias, fuck it, the things your mom bakes."
"Done and done." Shinso kept scrolling through the conversation, with more care until he got to the last message.
DaddyGrapeJuiceMasturb8or Today at 00:55: Daddy called you again and you didn't answer, if you don't answer tomorrow by 11:15 daddy will be angry and won't ever help you buy skins again you naughty, naughty kitten. You better show up, or you'll get punished 🍇💦🍇💦💦
Holy fuck, he didn't even know how to use emojis. How could he not know how to use emojis?
Shinso was getting psychic damage per word. No, scratch that, he was getting psychologically damaged, period.
Suddenly, the discord ringtone started sounding, signalling Mineta's call. Oh god, this was going to be nasty.
"The grape bitch's calling." Shinso grumbled. Where had life gotten him to? He had wanted to be a hero, and yet, here he was, about to pretend to be a discord kitten for money, next he could open an only fans, go all in, get immersed and all that shit. Bet that would get him higher in the hero ranks someday.
"I can't believe I'm doing this." He started messing with his voice modifier, going all the way on the female scale and to the third highest natural pitch. "Hii, I'm your discord kitten!" Well that was easy, uh, kittens meow right? "Meow!" Sero looked at him in absolute disbelief. Nothing bad, eh? Of course he was good at this, countless hours of meowing to his cat had prepared him for this moment.
"Hi kitten!" Mineta said in his lowest (but still gross and nasal) voice. God, he made it so obvious that was not how his voice was supposed to sound. Mediocre even at that, the question wasn't even what was he doing in the hero course anymore, it was more like, what was he doing being alive. "I was beginning to think you were not a real girl, kitten!"
"Of course I'm a weal girl, silly!" Shinso said, batting his eyelashes to get in character. Sero looked at him biting off laughter. Shinso shrunk his shoulders unapologetically, closing his eyes and faking modesty.
"I can hear that, you have such a nice voice, kitten! Perfect for moaning my name. I think I won't even punish you after all." Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh.
"Yaaay! Pwease don't punish me, sir." As Mineta rambled about how he would punish his kitten if she ever ignored him like that again, Shinso had to force himself to think about the croissants and the yens. Think about those, Hitoshi, think about Sero's mom' baking.
Sero looked to be on the verge of bursting out laughing, so if Shinso must suffer, then Sero would have to too. Grabbing one of the empty monster cans by the floor on his bed, he threw it at the stupid idiot.
"What was that?" Mineta interrupted himself, after hearing the noise.
"Oh? That? Must have been my cat, Mrs Sparkling Princess, I think she threw something off the shelf?"
"Oh, I bet you would look good dressed as a kitten and thrown against my shelf." Don't puke. Fuck, that was disgusting.
"You'd think so?" Shinso said instead, and thanked the voice modifier for masking the disgust in his voice.
"Oh, I bet you would baby girl." HOW DID THIS ASSHOLE THINK THAT SOUNDED SEXY, GOD. Actual discord kittens deserved the world if they had to subject themselves to this sort of bullshit.
"Uhm, daddy, are you gonna hewp me with those skins? I've been so worried you wouldn't help me I bawely slept." GAH, why was Sero having a field day and Shinso being grossed out of his mind? He changed his mind, he deserved more than half the bounty.
"Oh, of course baby girl, I'll send it over in a few minutes okay?"
"You'll really send the money?" Like an idiot, Shinso batted his eyelashes again, as if he were being seen, and achieved the only goal of gifting Sero with more material to tease him with.
"Yess, but you better gimme something good to look at afterwards, eh?" He could show him a restriction order. That would be something good. No, don't laugh!
"Of course, daddy! I wouldn't dream of leaving you hanging!" Mineta actually hanging by the balls was a sobering thought. "Now, would you mind if I take a kitty-nap? I'm so tired, daddy."
"Oh." He sounded disappointed. Shinso couldn't give a single fuck, his fuck field had been exhausted well before the conversation started. Pay and leave, please and thank you.
"Okay, buh-bye." Shinso sang and hung up. He promptly took off his mask as if it had personally offended him, and felt a wave of nausea hit him. He wanted to wash his teeth. "I feel dirty now."
Sero on the other hand, did not attempt to contain his laughter, he threw himself dramatically to the floor and started hitting his carpet and clearing tears from his eyes. Shinso hated him.
"DUDE, are you like an actual kitten? You sure sounded like you had practice." Shinso threw him another empty can. "Yikes, ouch."
"You could not pay me to do that again." Shinso said somberly, but he was smiling, it was already beginning to be fun in perspective now that it was done and he never had to do it again.
"No worries, after I get those hundred thousand yens I'm ghosting him, this is too much work, anyways."
"You better tell him something nasty about his microscopic dick. He could compete with a baby and the baby would win."
"I know right!" Shinso started laughing at that. Too much dumbfuckery for him not to. Then, the Line Pay notification popped up on the screen and Shinso tossed the phone back to Sero.
"Pay now, and I want you to call your mother right after."
"Okay, okay, don't have to be so mean, you're such a violent person."
"I had to call Mineta daddy for you, you owe me."
"Yeah, yeah, pass me your CVU so I can send you your part."