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the guilt felt too physical sometimes. when it wasn’t late at night and the tears dampened his pillow, or at the grocery store seeing fruits kite had mentioned or clothing that reminded gon too much of him, it was heavy. it was shoes full of lead, it was having to sit down after a sudden dizzy spell, it was coughing his lungs out as if he could get rid of the thing in his chest. it was pained gulps and eyes unfocusing.
gon didn’t ever mention it to others. he knew they wouldn’t judge, but gon couldn’t get the idea out of his head that he was not worthy of experiencing guilt when he could have done so much to prevent it all. sometimes, when he wanted to torture himself, he’d lay awake at night, counting on his fingers the ways he could have prevented it all. like counting sheep the way aunt mito had taught him when he was young and restless.
gon was pretty sure killua knew. he’d told killua about it before, and he’d cried into the other boy’s arms, but that was it. there was more to it than the one sob session, and they both knew it. it was so, so glaringly obvious in gon’s mannerisms, in his morals, in his attitude. before kite, gon had always been one to sacrifice himself for others, to not put his worth above that of a dog. but after kite… it was getting bad again.
shadows slid across the floor of gon’s room. his eyes flicked up to the cat-themed clock alluka had gifted him last year: it was just before 3 am. he swallowed, cringing at how uncomfortably dry his mouth was. in one breath he sat up, swaying slightly. the past few hours gon had spent in his room, staring up at the ceiling, were bad. too much was reminding him of kite, and the guilt was piling up in his chest like jenga pieces and gon knew he was pushing some sort of breakdown.
instead of letting himself cry to sleep, gon stood up. the day before he’d had the bright idea of reorganizing his board games and drawers, and a mix of the two lay in piles on the floor. gon was nearly to the door when he stepped on something sharp. he hissed, looking down angrily at a blue, broken Sorry! piece. gon did not appreciate the irony of it, and quickly tossed it into the trash bin next to his bed.
where he was going, gon didn’t really know. outside would be best, but there had been more bats hanging around outside at night lately, and gon really did not feel like listening to their low squeaking. so, instead of turning right to go to the back door when gon went downstairs, he made his way into the kitchen.
as per alluka’s request when they were looking for a home two years ago, the kitchen was larger than need be. homemade spoon holders and teapots sat on hardwood counters, with the stainless steel fridge looking a bit out of place. gon wasn’t sure if it was the drawings and reminders stuck on the fridge and the wood cabinets with carefully painted flowers on them, or the fact that the kitchen was filled with one too many memories that made it feel homely and warm. either way, it was a safe space. besides the fridge sat gon’s new destination: the toaster. it was best option as it wasn’t too loud and wasn’t too much work.
gon ran a hand through his hair before pulling out bread and butter, sticking the bread in the toaster and set it on the 3. he didn’t know what the 3 meant, only that it toasted the bread exactly how gon liked it. he leaned against the counter for a moment.
his eyes slid over to the sink, with a few dishes leftover from dinner. it hadn’t been much, just chicken noodle soup and rolls, but gon guessed both the siblings he lived with had just forgotten to do them. siblings. gon let himself sink into the counter a bit more, sighing in contentment. it was about to be two and a half years of gon living with alluka and killua, and it was nice. more than nice really, but gon was too tired to start thinking about it all. he stepped over to the sink, turning on the faucet.
gon was halfway through the second plate when the kitchen floor creaked behind him. he flipped around, eyes wider and more alert than they’d been all night, just to be met with killua’s uncanny bedhead. gon turned back around, sighing.
“it’s so late, gon,” killua’s voice was sleep-tinted, enough so that it had gon’s eyebrows furrowing.
“did i wake you up? i’m sorry killua,”
killua stuck his chin onto gon’s shoulder, humming. it was a bit uncomfortable since gon was still washing the dishes left, but killua didn’t move so he left it.
“did you have a nightmare, too?” gon stopped moving at that, turning slightly to look at killua.
“nightmare? no, i’m just… tired,” though gon hadn’t slept at all, his voice was lower and softer than usual.
killua frowned, stepping away. “are... you okay? you’re just tired?”
gon nodded, lying. it felt bad to lie, but it was late and killua needed to get back to sleep. besides, nightmare?
“do you want to talk about your nightmare?”
killua grunted, which gon took as a no. that was okay. gon wasn’t in the right mindset to hear some horrid story of the zoldyck’s awful parenting; not to mention, it was up to killua. if killua had wanted to talk about it, gon would have listened forever. killua slid his arms around gon from behind, laying his chin on gon’s shoulder once again. gon leaned back, into killua’s warm body. he felt like sleep.
just as gon was rinsing the last dish, the bread popped out of the toaster, startling both boys. gon laughed a bit, setting the plate down and untangling killua from him. killua whined, and gon laughed again. he made quick work of spreading butter and peeling off the crust that he didn’t like.
by the time gon turned back towards killua the dishes had been stored in the dishwasher, and killua closed it, leaning back up to look at gon’s plate. in a few seconds, gon found killua next to him with his arms wrapped around his waist, the other boy’s face dangerously close to his. if gon hadn’t been so tired he would have pecked killua on the cheek. instead, gon took another bite of his toast, wrapping an arm around killua and leaning into him. killua had a lovely smell, a mix of blueberries and cold. gon leaned up as much as he could against the other boy, closing his eyes.
they sat there for a while. how long, neither boy could tell. slowly, killua pulled away from gon, squinting at his face. so quietly, killua asked, “is it getting bad again?”
gon’s eyes welled up with tears, and before he could even set down his plate of toast, he found himself in killua’s arms. all the feelings that had been pent up in his chest, all of those jenga pieces, came tumbling down. killua took the plate from gon, setting it somewhere gon couldn’t see. gon took deep breaths, trying to calm himself and failing. tears fell from his eyes, and he whimpered into killua’s shirt. killua’s shirt.
gon pulled away from the shirt he was soaking, rubbing at it as if it’d go away. everything was blurry and spinning, and the fact that gon hadn’t turned on the light before coming into the kitchen made it worse. It was dark and blurry and too much.
standing there was too much. existing was too much, living was too much. what right did gon have to lay awake at night, to make toast, to cry into killua, when kite was gone? kite would never be able to lay awake at night, to make toast, to cry again. he’d never laugh with gon again, would never walk among nature again, admiring the working ecosystems and animals. what right did gon have? why was gon there? why was gon there when kite was dead?
the word dead clanged through him. he felt a dull pain in his nails, from clenching the back of killua’s shirt too tight. he leaned against killua without meaning to, pulling back a bit before swaying back into the other boy.
im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
gon couldn’t tell whether he was the one saying it over and over again or not. what was he sorry for? for everything? for getting kite killed? for not being able to save kite? for waking killua up late at night? for ruining killua’s shirt? for not being able to save kite? for making killua put up with this in the middle of the night, when he could be sleeping? for not being able to save kite?
gon didn’t know. he didn’t know how to get rid of the searing hole in his chest, of the lead shoes and vomit threatening to come up. he didn’t know how to get rid of the guilt. a twisted voice in the back of his mind said that he didn’t deserve to get rid of the guilt. it was there for a reason, and he’d have to live with it.
gon was sobbing into killua’s shirt, vaguely feeling killua holding onto him as tight as gon was to him. he was trying to be quiet, since alluka was still sleeping soundly upstairs, but it was hard. it was so, so hard. everything was hard. breathing and moving and walking and gripping killua’s shirt and gon was tired and sick of being tired.
he felt it come up, felt his eyes water. gon pushed killua away, making it to the large trash can just in time for the puke to not go anywhere else. gon leaned his head against the counter, breathing hot and heavy. he closed his eyes in pain, sweat and tears mixing together. killua came up behind him, rubbing soothing circles into the middle of his back, gon’s white tank top sticking to his skin.
when gon was sure he wouldn’t throw up again he slid down to the floor, pulling his legs to his chest. his throat hurt, and he wanted to cry again.
“ gon, ” gon looked up at killua next to him, realizing his ears had been ringing. he cringed. “can you stand?”
gon looked down at the floor, eyes unfocusing. now he could hear his own panting. how long gon took, sitting there counting his breaths, he wasn’t sure. but he did, finally, stand up. killua stood quickly beside him, pulling an arm over his shoulder. “okay. do you want to shower now, or in the morning?”
gon closed his eyes, breathing only out of his mouth. he didn’t know. he didn’t know. he forced his mouth to move, to form the words. “mmn... now. now,”
killua nodded, and the next half hour was a blur. everything moved slowly and too fast at the same time. gon blinked, and he realized he was in his bed. his hair dripped onto his pillow, and the sweat-soaked tank top he’d been wearing had been replaced by another, black tank top. his mouth stung with the taste of toothpaste.
gon blinked, sitting up. his room was empty. well, by empty he meant that he was alone in it. a second after he frowned, killua came sliding in from the door, stepping over piles of gon’s belongings. gon almost teared up again merely at the sight of killua. he reached out without realizing it, and killua smiled at him.
killua sat on the bed next to gon, combing through gon’s dark hair. gon sighed into killua, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy the softness in killua’s touch. hiccups found their way out of gon’s mouth, each one making him jump slightly. he winced; the hiccups made his throat and chest hurt more than they already did.
killua patted the top of gon’s head, letting his hand slide down to gon’s shoulder. “should we talk about it?”
gon opened his eyes, swallowing and realizing the hiccups had gone away. hummed. another swallow. “i-” gon winced; his throat felt scratchy and his voice sounded awful. “the guilt was…” gon swallowed once more, mouth dry. a water bottle sat on the table across the room, and he forced himself to stand.
ignoring the way he was so unbalanced he almost fell into the wall, gon took a drink of the weird, stale water, sitting down next to killua again.
water dribbled down his chin. “the guilt was getting bad again. it felt… too physical.” he peered over at killua. “do you know what i mean?”
killua’s eyes were drooping shut, but he somehow looked attentive at the same time. he’d leaned back, elbow digging into the comforter and holding up his head. a corner of the blanket he’d been toying with fell out his hands. “yes. like, in your chest?”
gon nodded, taking another swig of the water. above his desk was a large painting he’d found at a flea market a few years back. originally it was going to be a gift to leorio, since the bright sun and baby blue waves reminded gon of the now-doctor. but leorio had refused, having nowhere to put it. before gon took it back home with him, the two had sat for an hour or two, just talking. talking and doodling on said painting. the painting now gave off the homely feeling gon only felt from leorio, kurapika, and killua.
gon looked down at the floor now, mostly covered in junk with bits of the green carpet made to look like grass visible in some places. “it makes everything feel so heavy. like my head… my whole body, really. it’s like i’m sick, because it makes me tingle and cough and burn,”
gon took a breath. “i’m sorry i didn’t tell you earlier. sometimes it… it was hard to even admit that i was feeling guilt to myself. i knew what it was i just… didn’t think i deserved to feel anything like that,”
gon could feel killua frown next to him. next thing he knew killua was sitting up, next to gon. the scent of gon’s coconut conditioner and killua’s scent and gon’s room mixed. gon wrinkled his nose. killua hesitated for a second before wrapping gon in a hug.
it was better than before. gon’s nose was tucked into killua’s neck, his scent the only one. if gon leaned in closer he could faintly feel killua’s heartbeat. they sat there for a while. long enough that gon glanced up at his cat-themed clock, eyebrows raising when he saw it was around 4:30.
gon really was content to sit there in killua’s arms till morning, but killua pulled back. his pale arms rose from gon’s waist so his hands could cup gon’s face. gon felt heat rise in his cheeks.
killua’s eyes were so pretty. they were looking straight at gon. “you deserve a lot, gon. you might not believe me, but… you deserve to feel like that. and you deserve to feel happy, because you’ve made so many more people happy than you’ve made them hurt.” killua’s left thumb rubbed gon’s face and gon leaned into it. “including me,”
gon looked straight at killua then. his pale cheeks were a rosy pink. determination was etched into his sharp features. gon’s eyes slid down killua’s face. starting at his eyes, full of too many emotions, to his short nose bridge that swooped slightly, to the peach fuzz on his rosy cheeks and side of his face, and finally, to his lips. gon had… sort of kissed killua before. but never now, never like this .
gon’s eyes flicked back up to killua’s. he smiled, softly and with as much thankfulness as he could put into it. “thank you, killua,”
and then he leaned forward. and killua didn’t lean back, didn’t pull away as their lips touched. killua was so much warmer there than anywhere else. it was gon’s turn to cup killua’s face, rubbing at the other boy’s jaw. sometime between then and now, killua had pulled his legs up, widening them so gon could go between and move closer to killua.
it was impossible to tell how long they sat like that, lightly mouthing against each other, stopping to giggle or smile or breathe. gon hadn’t really believed the stories where people lose their sense of time in a position like this, but now gon knew they were true. eventually, they both pulled away, faces hot and bright pink. they both laughed, either at each other or purely because they could.
the clock now read 4:40 and both of their eyes were closing. killua attempted to get up, but gon’s grip on his arms was too strong. he toppled back into the bed, almost squishing gon in the process. gon just laughed.
a second later their faces were close again, and gon could feel killua’s breath on his neck. “stay,” it was all gon had to say.
the bed was a bit too small for them, and gon had to take a few more gulps of water to stop breathing so heavily, and killua’s sweatpants were way too warm under the several blankets and gon’s body, but it was nice. better than nice and better than anything gon could ask for from anyone. before falling asleep the two boys laid there, staring at each other. one of killua’s hands was under the pillow, the other cupping gon’s face. gon’s own hands were both wrapped around killua’s waist, brushing bare skin. below was a tangle of legs.
just before gon felt himself drift off, he said to killua once more, “thank you, killua,”
killua smiled in response, wiggling closer.
the guilt would still be there in the morning. for the next week, next month, next year. killua didn’t magically fix it, and never would. what killua had said did help, but it was something gon would have to heal himself. killua helped so much though. killua made everything bad turn good and everything good turn better and gon wouldn’t ask for anything else.