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Things are different these days. They've grown, changed. He's changed.
When he wakes up in the morning they'll clamber into Bobby's car and drive around until they find somewhere to get breakfast. Julie might join them, Willie almost always will; even if it's just to eat Alex's food. Then they'll drive back to their shared apartment, with or without the boys. Reggie will put on a movie and curl up with Bobby on the couch. Bobby will pick up whatever book he's currently reading in favour of the movie. Reggie will doze off with the guitarist's fingers in his hair.
The morning feels like a lifetime away.
A lot has changed. But some things always stay the same, and Reggie can still hear his parents voices echo sharply in his head as the pressure builds behind his eyes.
Nights like these are usually pretty good, movie nights with the boys and Julie in the makeshift studio none of them can bring themselves to let go of. He doesn't feel good tonight.
If he tries hard enough he can almost see the words thrown at him while growing up swimming in his vision, curling around and vanishing like puffs of smoke. Worthless, burden, broken, selfish.
Feeling like this has become less common over time, which is great, really! But it means that when the feeling hits, it feels like a broken jaw rather than a bruised cheek. It's overwhelming and makes him dizzy with it, like he's shattering apart and the horrible darkness trapped inside will overflow and spill out.
It makes him think about how much better it'd be if he just...wasn't here. Not because he's not wanted but because he can't take it. He's too weak, too much of a coward. He wishes he could just disappear. Not now, not so suddenly. He knows that there are people who would miss him like a limb, like an important organ. Even just the thought of causing the people he loves any kind of pain makes his heart splinter in his chest. He wants to rewind time, erase his existence, make it so he was never here in the first place.
He wants to roll over onto his side but he's afraid if he does he'll puke so instead he squeezes his eyes shut, counts to three before opening them again.
The studio ceiling is far too familiar at this point. It's comforting in the same way as being handed a tissue when crying. He likes to picture the ceiling lifting like an unscrewed lid, so he can see all the stars in the night sky. Would count every single one of them if he could. It reminds him of just how great the universe is, how little he truly matters. There's a strange sense of solace in insignificance.
"What're you thinking so hard about, angel?" Bobby asks quietly beside him. His voice is deep and gravely, still thick with sleep.
Reggie turns his head to look over at him and swallows thickly. His expression must give everything away considering how Bobby's eyes go soft and his brows crease together with concern.
"Oh, precious," he sighs out and loops an arm around Reggie's middle to pull him even closer than they already are. "What's going on in that gorgeous head of yours?" Bobby asks, a little more awake now.
Reggie just shakes his head, doesn't think he can make words happen right now. Bobby presses a kiss to his temple.
The rhythm guitarist shuffles onto his back. "C'mere," he mumbles and pulls Reggie almost completely on top of him, lets the other boy tuck his face into the crook of his neck. "Okay?" he whispers into the side of Reggie's head, because Bobby cares so much and he always checks in with him. Reggie doesn't think he deserves him.
"Wish I never existed," Reggie finally manages to push out. "Too much, too hard."
Bobby lets out a breath like it's been punched out of him.
"I'd miss you," he explains, so uncharacteristically vulnerable.
"You'd never have known I existed." Reggie counters.
Bobby shakes his head. "I would. You, me, Luke and 'Lex, we're connected. Y'know? Those bonds can't be undone, baby. You can miss something you never had. Even if you never existed, we'd still go through our lives knowing that something was missing...Fuck, that was sappy." Bobby chuckles and Reggie can't help but smile a little.
"Point is," he continues. "I know it's hard. But it'll get better. We're in this together, you and me, and the boys. 'Sides, call me selfish but there's no way I'd survive without you." Bobby runs his hand up and down Reggie's back as he speaks. "We're gonna be just fine, yeah?"
Reggie nods sleepily, can feel the exhaustion finally settling in. "Yeah."
"Good, now get some sleep."
Reggie hums. "Love you Bobbers."
Reggie can hear the smile in Bobby's voice. "Love you too Reg."
.
Reggie wakes up to Luke's wild laughter, to Alex talking quietly to Willie on the phone, to Bobby brushing a hand through his hair.
He blinks a few times, feeling comfortable and warm. Reggie opens his eyes properly just as Luke flops down next to him with far too much enthusiasm "Reg! Julie found this new diner that has a *breakfast buffet*!"
"I could eat," he agrees through a yawn. A breakfast buffet does sound pretty damn good.
"Mornin' you," Bobby greets from his other side.
Reggie smiles at him. "Hi," he responds and sits up just enough to catch his boyfriend's lips, morning breath be damned.
.
Later, they all climb into Bobby's car. Reggie sits in the passenger seat while Alex reads GPS directions off his phone in the back and Luke constantly interrupts him like the over excited puppy he is.
The morning sun shines brightly down as Luke and Reggie both roll down the windows and Bobby cranks up the music on the radio. Alex complains that Bobby won't be able to hear him give directions.
"Sorry, can't hear you! You'll have to speak up!" Bobby yells over the music.
He shoots Reggie a grin that the bassist returns two fold.
It's good.
Reggie thinks he might just be alright after all.