Chapter Text
Lex shifted, trying to make himself more comfortable by using his fists to lift his body above the uncomfortable mattress. He knew he wasn’t really supposed to be moving at all until he was stronger. He’d been shot and gone through major surgery.
The doctor had told him he’d come very close to dying. The decision to operate, in spite of the risk, had been made by his father. Lionel had gone against the doctor’s advice to wait until Lex had been more stable.
Maybe the alternative wouldn’t have been any better. If the doctors had waited, would they have been able to save him from almost total paralysis? Given the odds, Lex very much doubted it. The bullet that had invaded his body had caused massive internal bleeding and a clot had compressed his spinal cord. Doctor Litvack had informed him that if the Smallville doctors had waited, they might have been able to relieve the pressure.
There was that word. Might. The dictionary defined it as ‘maybe’, offering no guarantees. Another definition meant strength. He knew that what had happened to him nearly sixteen years ago had given him a kind of strength, a strange kind of healing power. Maybe that healing power could have helped him. Maybe not. In either case, it was all rather moot now. Since Lionel had made the decision for him.
He shifted once more and lay looking at the lit screen showing the x-rays from his records. He could just see the chest x-ray, showing the damage the bullet had done. Knowing the miracles the doctor had performed did nothing to help the depression he was feeling.
The door opened. He knew exactly who was there without even looking over.
“Lex, you wanted to talk to me?” Lionel didn’t sound all that happy. “Whatever it is, son, it can wait ‘til you’re stronger.”
Lex’s voice was flat as he responded. “You’re right. I should probably be resting. After all, I did just undergo a life-threatening operation.” He turned to look at his father.
Lionel chuckled and approached the bed.
“Dr Litvack told me the odds of survival I had going into surgery. Pretty reckless roll of the dice, don’t you think?”
Lionel didn’t even have the grace to apologise for his actions.
“On the contrary, son, I … What I did may appear callous, but opting for my son to have surgery was a deliberate decision.”
Lex knew he had to remain calm, but the fact that his father had just gone ahead without his consent, galled. It felt less like an action born out of love and more out of something else. He’d long since given up the wish that his father could ever love him.
“It wasn’t your decision to make, was it? You went against the doctors’ advice not because you wanted to save me, but because you couldn’t bear having a cripple for a son.”
The barb hit home. Lionel tried to look as unmoved as ever, but Lex knew better. It had always been the same with his father. When Lex had been a child and in and out of hospital with asthma, Lionel had berated his wife for Lex’s illness, saying she’d made him weak. Never mind that Lillian had her own health issues. After Lex had been born, she’d needed a full-time nurse as she had been very ill for a long time.
Lionel hated weakness. As far as he was concerned, that weakness made him vulnerable in front of his business rivals. It was why he also hated to show any kind of emotion.
“You may hate me for taking the risk, but I had to make a choice. And you're alive... and you can walk. I had to give you that chance.”
Lex still wasn’t done. “And what if I hadn’t made it? How would you have justified your decision then? How dare you play God with my life!”
Lionel looked at him, completely taken aback. There was a flash of … Lex wasn’t sure what it was, but for a moment he thought it was pain. Had he really hurt his father with his words?
Lionel turned and left without saying another word, leaving Lex to ponder. With nothing else to do, he could only stare at the ceiling, thinking about what had led to this. If he hadn’t gone to Granville to meet Griff, looking for any dirt on Jonathan Kent, he wouldn’t have been mugged and subsequently shot.
The thought depressed him. All his life he’d been making bad decisions and look where it got him?
Yet in the dream, it seemed another bad decision would lead to the death of the only woman, apart from his mother, that he’d ever loved. He could say it now. Lana Lang. Somewhere along the way, he’d fallen in love with the girl. Even if that love was something that could probably never be returned. Not like this. She could never love someone like him.
“Lex?”
He turned his head and stared in shock at the man in the doorway.
“Clark?”
That was another thing that had gone wrong in his life. His best friend had suddenly become his enemy. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Clark’s father was now running against him in the senate race. Or maybe it was something to do with Clark having so many secrets.
“I heard about what happened,” Clark told him. “I hope it’s okay.”
Lex tried to sit up. “No, no, I’m glad you came. I’m just … surprised is all. I mean, we are on opposite sides these days.”
Clark smiled. “That’s politics. Lana wanted to come as well, but the nurse said they’re only allowing one visitor at a time.”
Lex nodded. “Tell her I appreciate the thought.”
Clark sat next to him. “You missed Christmas,” he said.
Lex was philosophical about that. “It’s okay. I’m not missing much. We kind of stopped celebrating Christmas a long time ago. After Mom …”
That wasn’t strictly true. When their friendship had been strong, Clark had invited Lex to Christmas dinner at the farm. Lex had always been a little reluctant, given Clark’s dad’s own wariness toward him. He knew Jonathan Kent wasn’t exactly a fan of his.
“So, what did you get for Christmas?” he asked, knowing how much his friend loved the holidays.
“Well, Mom and Dad gave me a sweater. Chloe and Lana gave me gift certificates. Lois got me this soap and cologne set.” He made a face. “Like she’s hinting that I stink or something.”
Lex laughed in spite of himself. “You and Lois seem to enjoy riling each other up.”
Lois Lane was an acquired taste. He could still remember a few weeks earlier when she’d said something to him about enough dirt on him to create a land mass the size of Texas. She’d always been a bit abrasive. He supposed he could understand a little. Having been raised by an army general, she would have seen her share of people who were more interested in lining their own pockets than in making a difference.
He wasn’t interested in lining his own pockets. He had enough money that he didn’t need to. Power, on the other hand, could get him anything he wanted.
“So, how are things with you and Lana?” Lex asked, knowing just how much of a roller coaster his friend had been on with the young brunette. As much as he cared for Lana himself, he was still conscious of the ‘bro code’ and wasn’t about to steal the girl from the man who, up until a few months ago, had been his best friend.
“Oh, we’re fine,” Clark said, quickly changing the subject.
Lex had to wonder at that. Over summer, Clark and Lana had appeared to be almost joined at the hip, but suddenly, around the time school had started, the couple looked as if they were cooling off. It was odd.
He wanted to encourage Clark to at least confide in him, but had the feeling that wouldn’t happen. The past few months their friendship had cooled somewhat. It hadn’t helped that he suspected Clark had helped someone sabotage the Leviathan project. Then he’d nearly got arrested at the Windgate Club.
Then there had been the way Clark had suddenly developed some kind of paranoia and had attacked both Lana and him. Chloe had told him that Clark had been exposed to an odd type of meteor rock and given the way things happened in Smallville, that was perfectly logical. Lex was just convinced there was more to it than that.
Experience had taught him, however, that Clark wasn’t going to divulge those secrets easily. Maybe he would, eventually. Lex just had to give him the chance.
If there was one thing almost dying had given him, it was the chance to take a long, hard look at himself. And he didn’t like what he saw.
Clark seemed to sense he was getting tired. He got up, making as if to leave.
“I should go. Let you get some rest.”
Lex was about to agree, but something stopped him.
“Clark, I …”
“What is it, Lex?”
“Do you ever have any … regrets?”
“About what?”
“I don’t know. Decisions you’ve made. Mistakes you should have corrected.”
“All the time,” Clark said with a smile. He paused. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I could have died, you know,” Lex said. “I … The doctor said the chances of me surviving the surgery …” He sighed. “My dad chose to take the risk rather than wait to see if they could find another way.”
Clark frowned, then sat down again. “I don’t understand.”
Lex told him what he’d been told about the injury and the surgery. His friend bit his lip.
“So, your dad opted to risk it anyway?”
“He played God.”
Clark looked thoughtful. “Maybe. But maybe he just didn’t want to consider the alternative. Sometimes people can get a little … I don’t know … tunnel vision, I guess. My dad’s made some choices that probably weren’t the best. I mean, they turned out okay, but …”
“Like what?”
“Well, when he was graduating high school, he had the chance to go to Met U and join their football team. Instead he chose to stay on the farm. I mean, he did do the finance course, and that was how he met my mom, but … He kind of got mad at me because I could have gone to any college I wanted, but I chose to stay close to home so I could help with the farm. He said he wanted more for me than that.”
Why did Lex get the feeling that that wasn’t quite what Clark had been going to tell him?
“This is kind of different.”
“I guess. But, hey, remember a few years ago, after the tornado when your dad got hurt?”
Lex remembered. He had basically made the same decision for his father that Lionel had made for him. The outcome hadn’t been exactly what they’d wanted. The operation had been risky and in the end, it had caused a problem with his father’s optic nerve. Lionel had been blind for several months. Lex had a theory that when Lionel had been shot by Ethan Miller, falling several feet, the impact from his fall had somehow caused a shift in the optic nerve, returning his vision.
God, he was an idiot. He’d gone and accused his father of doing exactly what he’d done four and a half years ago.
“I should let you get your rest,” Clark said.
Lex nodded, watching his friend walk to the door. “Clark?”
The other man turned. “Yeah?”
“Thanks. For coming, I mean.”
Clark smiled. “What are friends for?”