Chapter Text
When Azula was five she got mad at a turtle-duck and threw a rock at it. Ursa screamed, Zuko looked on in confusion, and Azula was lectured. Azula didn’t understand: it made her mad, so why shouldn’t she hurt it? Ursa told her that that wasn’t how you expressed your anger, that you talked through it. You didn’t hurt people.
When Azula was six she overheard Fire Lord Azulon talking with war generals about the latest casualties and a victory in a corner of the Earth Kingdom. Azula, intrepid at her young age, asked her grandfather why they hurt the Earth Kingdom. Azulon, though annoyed, explained what Azula already knew: the Fire Nation was better than the rest of the world, and they had to bend to their great country’s will like fire itself did. It made Azula mad that they didn’t.
That afternoon, she threw another rock. Her mother wasn’t there, but Zuko was. Zuko told her not to throw the rock. Zuko made her mad.
Ursa came running into the courtyard when Zuko started crying, only to see Azula beating him. She yelled at Azula, told her not to hurt her brother, and hugged her son close. Azula watched how Ursa fawned over Zuko like he was her precious baby. That made her mad, too. But she didn’t dare throw another stone. Not yet.
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Zuko was back on their side. Azula, despite her loathsome attitude towards him, loved her brother, and was honestly happy he was back. Not that she’d ever tell him that.
There was just one problem with the whole situation: his eyes. Azula was born with the eyes of a firebender: stern, fiery, and powerful. Zuko, on the other hand, was born with the eyes of his mother.
Azula would never forget when Ursa left them. Azula had been mocking Zuko, saying their father would kill him. She wanted it to be true. So badly. Then Ursa would have no choice but to love her, she would be the precious baby. Then Ursa disappeared. Azula suddenly had all her hope torn from her chest. It was years until she accepted that Ursa was gone, forever. It was the same time that she realized she was glad Ozai didn’t kill Zuko. No Zuko, forever.
So Azula was glad he was back. She just hated his eyes.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Ty Lee was lying on the floor beside Azula’s bed.
Azula sighed dramatically. “Wondering where on earth Mai and Zuzu are.” The lie rolled off her tongue with practiced ease.
“It’s only been a few hours since they went on their date,” Ty Lee said. “I’m sure they’ll be home soon.”
“Mmm. I suppose.”
The door slammed open.
“Azula! Have you seen your brother?”
Azula sat up leisurely. “Father, why are you worried about Zuzu? He’s out with Mai!”
Fire Lord Ozai grunted, eyes flickering around the room as though he were about to light something on fire with his gaze. “He needs to be in this important meeting, Azula.” Her father’s tone was stern as always.
“I can always join if you need the assistance of a royal heir, father.” Azula smirked at him, playful.
Ozai snarled, “I don’t need assistance. I need Zuko.”
That was the first pang of hurt Azula felt. Why did Ozai need Zuko? “O-oh. Of course, father…Well, I don’t know where he could be. He should be home soon, though, I suppose.”
“Yep! Any time now, Fire Lord Ozai!” Ty Lee sent him a thumbs up - a childish, but well-meaning gesture that Azula snorted at.
Ozai, on the other hand, glowered into the girl’s very soul with the anger of a thousand suns. “Thank you for your input.” Another pang. Why was Ozai mad at Ty Lee? It was Ty Lee. No one was every actually mad at her.
The Fire Lord shut the door and could be heard storming stoically down the hall. Azula didn’t like the feeling twisting in her gut when Ozai left. It reminded her of the feeling she had when she looked into Zuko’s eyes.
“Geez, I’ve never seen your dad so fixated on Zuko,” Ty Lee mumbled, staring back up at the ceiling.
Azula slowly rolled onto her back. For a second she thought she was being enveloped in a warm, motherly hug. But like always, it was just her bed. “Yes,” she murmured. “How odd.”
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That was the first night Azula heard Ursa’s voice.
“Come on, hair, work with me!” Azula grunted in frustration, trying to understand why her crown was stuck. This had never happened before, or at least she wouldn’t admit it had.
“You should be gentle, Azula.” Soft hands readjusted the crown in Azula’s hair and worked carefully to take it out.
Azula shuddered. “M - ” Momma? “Mother?”
“Gentle, Azula.” The crown was placed on the table. Ursa tsked. “How many times must I tell you, Azula?”
The princess grunted. “You’re not really here. I know you’re not.”
“I love you, Azula.” Loving, gentle strokes of her hair, soothing it down her shoulders.
Azula gritted her teeth and dropped her hands into her lap. “You’re not here.”
Ursa didn’t say anything.
“…I loved you, too. I think.”
Again, nothing.
Azula sighed, standing up. Strange, but she always did have an active imagination. Why was this any different?
It was odd that it was Ursa, though. Azula hadn’t even given her mother consideration since she was ten. It didn’t change her own life in any physical way, anyways. Where Zuko was Ursa’s precious baby, Azula was Ozai’s precious firebender.
So then why had Ozai been looking for Zuko?
The door to the room across from hers clicked. Azula whirled, sauntering into the hall. There were Mai and Zuko. Mai was draped all over Zuko, laughing softly. That was odd, too. Mai, laughing?
“There you are,” Azula said, plastering on her smile.
The lovebirds turned around like an accused pair of murderers. “Azula!” Zuko hissed. “You scared the living daylights out of us!”
“Forgive me.” Azula bowed. “Your highness.” She walked up to her brother and adjusted his crown. “You shouldn’t come in so late. Father was waiting for you.”
“What did he want?” Why did Zuko sound so exasperated? He should be over-joyed to have Ozai’s attention.
Azula twisted her lips. “A meeting of some sort. I offered myself, but he insisted he needed you.”
“Bummer.” Mai turned the handle of the door. “Night, Azula.”
“Meet me tomorrow in the garden after breakfast,” Azula snapped. “It’s been a while since we’ve had some girl on girl on girl time. Ty Lee and I were missing you dearly. Well, she was, any how. I do think Zuzu’s been taking too much time from you, though, Mai.”
Mai scowled. “He’s my boyfriend, Azula.”
Azula tensed. Mai was scowling at her. “And I’m your best friend.”
Zuko sighed, and exchanged a look with Mai. “I’ll try not to hog her time, Azula.”
“Good. That’s settled then - tomorrow after breakfast. Good night.” Still an uneasy feeling twisted deep inside of her.
Azula went back into her room, quiet and contemplative. Why did it feel like…like Ursa all over again?
Much as she tried, the princess could not sleep that night. She tossed and turned, confusion burning in her like the fire that lit her lightning. Every time she shut her eyes, it felt like her conscious was being stripped from her. It was being pried from her eyelids unwillingly. Azula wanted to scream at sleep to give it back. Everything kept being taken away. Azula wanted all of it back, now.