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Kojiro doesn’t smoke, except after sex.
It’s a habit he picked up as a teenager because it seemed cool at the time and it suited his rebellious, angry skateboarder image. Kaoru teased him for a full two months and then Adam came along, with his golden cigarette case and sinful pouty lips and Kaoru was forced to eat his words, so eager he was to impress Adam.
Once Adam left, Kaoru never smoked again. Kojiro found the habit a little harder to kick. He still couldn’t resist a good old fag after he was done pounding Kaoru within an inch of his life.
Kaoru, much as he despises the smell of smoke, watches Kojiro every time. He doesn’t know why. Here in the bedroom, Kojiro isn’t bothered with looking cool or anything. He slumps into himself, shoulders relaxed and stomach not flexed, his limbs sex heavy and loose, greedy mouthfuls of tobacco inhaled in no way stylish. Kaoru watches anyways, he watches whenever Kojiro smokes. He relates a feeling of deep disappointment with the sight, even though he can’t truly recall a point in time when Kojiro did anything to disappoint him. It’s almost like every time Kojiro takes a cigarette to his lips, Kaoru can’t bring himself to look away, and he always feels as if- as if along with the plumes of smoke being blown away; like the glowing end of the stick smothered out, a part of Kaoru blinks out of existence too.
It’s a nice routine. Kojiro will only move once he has smoked, and Kaoru absolutely refuses to in any scenario. Someone has to fetch wash clothes and water and Kojiro is usually so relaxed and pleased after the hit of nicotine, that he gladly runs around and cleans them up, pampers Kaoru how Kaoru likes it.
It’s nice.
It’s routine. Predictable, reliable, nice routine.
Just as expected, Kojiro puts out his cigarette and patters away into the washroom, returning with a damp cloth. When Kaoru doesn’t immediately turn onto his stomach, he bites at his hip. Kaoru huffs. He isn’t annoyed. He turns over, Kojiro cleans them both and returns to bed for cuddles minutes later.
His arms wrap around Kaoru squeezing him and jostling his body a little. Playfully. Harmlessly.
“My pillow princess.” Kojiro groans, kissing the words into Kaoru’s skin. Kaoru is far from a pillow princess but it’s a nickname he doesn’t resent, for some reason. It was coined around the time they realised Kaoru loves being woken up with a dick inside him and lips on his neck. He likes lying there, prone and trusting while Kojiro fucks into him.
And he prefers to bottom.
Kaoru lets Kojiro hold him before he turns over, because he knows Kojiro enjoys being the little spoon. That’s their little unspoken deal. Kojiro cleans them up and then Kaoru spoons him.
It’s nice.
It’s a nice routine.
The only problem is, Kaoru doesn’t like routines.
…
Except that’s a lie. Routines are actually kinda really fucking helpful with his anxiety no matter what his zodiac description from this shady ass app he won’t delete states.
Kaoru doesn’t not like routines. You might as well say he does.
That’s why he hasn’t dumped Kojiro.
(That’s also why he keeps him around like a dog on a leash, close enough for Kaoru to leach affection off of him but always on a fucking leash with countless unsaid conditions to their relationship, the sum total of which can be summarised in- it’s just sex. Kojiro wants more. He always has. Kaoru always knew. He is leading him on anyway, and Kojiro allows it because he’s sweet like that, and patient, and kind, and everything Kaoru thinks he should need.)
(but he doesn’t like routines)
Not when it comes to his relationships.
Kojiro is snapping at Kaoru and it’s irritating. Soon enough, Kaoru is snapping back. There’s no real venom behind either of their words. They just get on each other’s nerves, a lot at that. It had never been fun, till Adam told Kaoru it seemed so.
Kaoru never understood it then, and he didn’t understand what Adam meant when he said Kaoru could love him and that Kojiro could too. It had made Kaoru a little jealous, which was not a rare occurrence really. Adam loved making Kaoru jealous and when drunk on rage, Kaoru decided to drape himself all over Kojiro and return the favour, Adam didn’t discourage it either. It left a weird taste in Kaoru’s mouth though, and it stung him to watch Kojiro’s face fall when Kaoru’s newfound attention did not last very long. He never did it again. Adam had no such issues, however.
Kaoru looks back at that period of his time and wonders how he ever let Adam get away with so much. He feels truly disgusted by his own weakness because Adam did all of that shit on purpose and no matter how much they fought over it… he just never stopped.
So, Kaoru just put up with it.
What else could he do?
Leave him.
It was a clear solution but it made Kaoru’s heart quake. It still does.
Kojiro is pulling out one of his most expensive champagnes, for no reason other than that Kaoru asked. He has been grumbling, and he is still scowling, barking at Kaoru about how he’s a shameless freeloader but he’s pouring it into Kaoru’s glass anyway.
Because Kaoru asked. Just like Kaoru knew he would.
He stares into Kojiro’s eyes and their familiar fiery red brings him no comfort.
Leave him.
He should.
“You should take a turn and treat me someday.” Kojiro grumbles. “You owe me. A lot.”
Kaoru snorts as he raises his glass to his lips. He realises Kojiro has popped a cherry in his glass. It makes him smile.
“Why else do you think I let you sleep with me, you bitch potato?”
“Hmmm,” Kojiro takes the seat next to Kaoru. It is right after the lunch-hour rush and Kojiro can spare a minute. “That’s a lucrative enterprise. Ever think of expanding?”
“Sex for free food? Don’t mind me if I do.” Kaoru smirks, jokingly and he ignores what the question means. What so many of Kojiro’s questions mean.
The answer would hurt Kojiro too much. It would be a lot like that time back in high school and he doesn’t want to glimpse betrayal in Kojiro’s eyes ever again.
Kaoru’s attentions will last this time, even if it happens against his own will.
…
Especially since, it’s not really against his will.
Kaoru is passionate about Kojiro.
Kojiro understands him, and he has his funny moments too. He is a very talented skateboarder and a fierce rival. He is kind and he pampers Kaoru, and Kaoru loves that. His mountain of a body is attractive, too despite how many times Kaoru has said otherwise. Even their daily bickering, Kaoru adores.
The sex is mind blowing, too as it is bound to be when you have it with someone who cares about you and your pleasure. Not to mention, Kojiro’s aggression matches Kaoru’s submission kink a little too well. He’s never been fucked better, that is true.
He is not passionate about their relationship though.
It feels… boring.
There’s no spark, and Kaoru knows how cliche it sounds. Kojiro is too secure, too nice, too caring and Kaoru had never really believed the ‘nice guys finish last’ bullshit but apparently, that’s true. It smothers him sometimes, how much Kojiro cares, and he feels like an ass every time he thinks of it.
All through his relationship with Adam all he had wanted was for Adam to care. Kojiro did care though, and somehow that wasn’t enough?
Kaoru is no stranger to self-loathing and now he never will be.
He can’t leave Kojiro, though. He never should’ve started sleeping with him but now that he has he can’t leave.
He remembers why he did it. It only makes him grit his teeth till his jaw starts aching.
It had been three weeks since rumours of Adam’s return to S started flying around and three days since the first time he actually showed up.
Kaoru had found it difficult to breathe all this while. Adam never bothered to so much as glance at him though.
Kaoru decided he would make him.
He let Kojiro take him to bed, three days after Adam showed up. He didn’t know what he was thinking because their behaviour in public never changed. Adam couldn’t have known unless he was told and neither of them were going to be telling him. He still felt Kojiro’s hands on him like a win gained over his ex boyfriend. With every kiss, Kojiro washed Adam’s condescending glares off of Kaoru’s skin and made him feel like he was worth everything Adam never gave him. Kaoru wore his hickeys like a badge of honour. He was rich, successful and he had a gorgeous lover. What did Adam even have?
Not Kaoru, that was for sure and now he would make him regret it.
Adam never seemed to regret how he treated Kaoru but Kaoru soon came to regret how he kept treating his best friend.
He still does.
He wishes he could just be with Adam instead. Things would never be so complicated if he did.
Kaoru doesn’t even feel startled anymore, even though he always rushes to correct his errant desires in his own mind. He knows he slips up though, he knows he almost craves re-admittance in that hell sometimes.
“I wish you were here.” He actually says the words out to taste them this time. The steady stream of water from the shower-head slips into his open mouth and Kaoru spits it out, as if he could spit out the feeling of those accursed words too, clunky in his mouth.
He wants Adam back sometimes and the thought always shoots a shiver up his spine, delicious in the enchanting state of delirium it sends him into. He would make Adam beg, and Adam can beg, and he would put up a bigger fuss than a fucking king. Then, Adam would take it all away.
And Adam would regret ever letting Kaoru go.
…
But Adam never does, and most days, that’s alright.
It’s more than alright. He’s glad he is rid of Adam. Genuinely. He can go weeks without so much as thinking of him sometimes.
Then out of nowhere, the memories are pushed to the forefront of his mind again, and the reacquaintance exhilarates Kaoru. He doesn’t hate them. He doesn’t hurt anymore either. he can’t even say he misses Adam. He almost always merely wants to rub his own success and happiness in Adam’s face. He is terrified, though. He is terrified of Adam asking, “What happiness?”
He has to convince himself every time after that, that he is happy and he doesn’t need Adam to acknowledge that.
His wellbeing no longer hangs in the balance between Adam’s approval and displeasure. He just has to convince himself of that sometimes.
“Hey Cherry,” the back of Miya’s head is promptly smacked, but lightly so. It’s not Kaoru’s fault they won’t stop using his S nickname outside of S like the imbeciles they are.
“What is it you need?” He asks anyway, because somewhere along the way he ended up adopting a middle schooler, two high schoolers and full grown adult barely a year younger than himself and he is very weak for them. He has stopped fighting fate.
“It’s so hot.” Miya whines.
Kaoru hums, because it is. He doesn’t fully believe the air conditioning in the mall is working.
Sometimes he envies the gorilla his confidence. He wishes he could be so full of himself he could just throw his top off his shoulders whenever he got too hot without worrying about looking like the clown he isn’t.
“It will sure help if someone could buy us ice creams.” Kaoru groans. He should’ve known he’d end up having to open his wallet one way or another. That’s how all his interactions with the kids end.
Well, it’s just ice cream. He doesn’t mind.
He quite likes ice cream.
“Call the others.”
Miya excitedly scampers off to where the other four are walking a few paces ahead while Kaoru tries to figure out where the food court is. He doesn’t find the foodcourt but he spots a froyo cart so he heads off in its direction.
He lets them order one by one, telling the vendor to add it all to one tab. Langa gets five scoops worth froyo in one cup because of course he does but the boy’s eyes are sparkling in that bunny-like way of his and Kaoru can’t find the heart to complain.
Before Kaoru can order anything for himself, Kojiro steps forward and brushes him off. Kaoru starts to snap before he hears Kojiro rattling off Kaoru’s own usual favourite flavours. He gets him extra sprinkles too, and a cup for himself, that Kojiro pays for by himself.
“Here.” He hands one to Kaoru, “It’s been a while since we came out like this.”
Kaoru blushes and stammers. This fucking donkey-… it’s not as if they’re dating!… and Kaoru still has to pay for the kids and Shadow!
Kojiro looks so pleased with himself, Kaoru feels overwhelmed and in a soft, cottony way.
“Stupid chimpanzee.” He mutters, and it has no bite to it. He looks away from Kojiro who’s grinning like a fool, now. He’s such a…-
What is it the kids call it? Himbo.
“Thank you, mom!” Miya screams and hurls himself at Kaoru. Then, the little shit winks like he has just done Kaoru a favour (which he has) and he knows it (which is embarrassing). Reki follows, because Kaoru has a sneaking suspicion that the boy is very touch-starved and once he realises he is allowed to touch you, he’ll never stop. Langa wraps himself around Kaoru’s back because of course he does.
Rounding Kaoru’s body, Langa’s arm reaches forward, the back of his fingers grazing Reki’s cheek, making the boy erupt in red. Miya and Shadow notice, because of course they do, and immediately start snickering.
Kojiro, the ultimate troll, immediately demands a selfie to immortalise Reki’s flaming cheeks. They quickly crowd in.
When he snatches the phone out of Kojiro’s hand to hold it at a more accessible height for everyone else, he finds himself blown away by the vibrance of his own smile.
He doesn’t often look like that in pictures. He mentions it to Miya later, in passing and Miya shrugs.
“I don’t know what you mean. You always look happy. But surprised, too. You know, like a weirdo. Or an adult. They’re basically synonyms.”
…
The way Adam growls and moans during sex is unlike anything else about him. It’s a wild, unhinged sound, not an ounce of Adam’s usual grace and elegance is to be found in it. It’s a desperate little thing.
Kaoru thinks its flattering. Probably.
Kaoru bites back a whimper as Adam thrusts into him again harder than he ever has before and watches his mom exit the house through the window he is pressed up against. If she is to so much as turn around, she’d see her son, cock out and whining against the glass.
It drags a moan out of Kaoru.
“You are getting off on this. You are seriously getting off on this. I thought you were kidding.” Adam laughs a little. Kaoru stretches back to expose his neck and Adam immediately takes the hint, biting down on Kaoru’s neck and trailing his teeth down to his shoulder.
Kaoru wraps a hand around himself, and winces. There’s been a steady increase in the friction… back there, for a while now and it’s starting to hurt a little now, more painful than pleasurable. Kaoru places a hand on Adam’s arms where they are wrapped around his waist, silently asking Adam to slow down a bit.
It doesn’t help as it was never going to. The impact of Adam’s dick is tearing pained gasps out of Kaoru and it takes him a second to catch his breath before he can speak.
“I- Adam… we need more lube.”
“I used it.”
He goes on thrusting.
Hard as it is to breathe, Kaoru has an innate gift of hyper-fixating on his anger till the rest of the world disappeared. Words tear out of him, louder than he intended them to be but they manage to halt Adam’s movements.
“You clearly didn’t use enough!” Kaoru snaps.
“You can take it, baby. Can’t you?” Adam’s face draws closer to Kaoru’s and there’s a manic quality to his deep red eyes. It is the first time Kaoru feels scared of his boyfriend, and in no way the last.
“You’re hurting me.”
Adam hasn’t pulled out but he is not moving and his grip is loose around Kaoru. Now that he is no longer being fucked, the pain has abated a bit but Kaoru still feels more roughed up than he likes.
When he moves, he winces.
“You’re hurting me.”, he repeats, louder. There is moisture in his eyes, he can sense it now and he feels stupid. Why is he crying? It doesn’t feel ALL that bad.
Adam pulls out abruptly, dragging a long wince out of Kaoru. Now that there is nothing in him, it’s suddenly burning pretty bad down there.
“Didn’t realise I was sleeping with a child.”
Adam sounds angry, angrier than he has ever been.
“I am literally hurt and you’re mad because you couldn’t get off.” Kaoru mutters, as if he can’t quite believe it.
Adam doesn’t respond, too busy putting on his clothes.
Kaoru tries taking a step towards Adam, a strange need to make peace with him and keep him from disappearing rising inside his gut like a bubbling volcano. He was warm and wrapped up in his boyfriend just seconds ago and now he is hurting and shivering, because he tends to after sex, and he needs Adam to hold him again.
The moment his foot collides with the floor, a bolt of pain shoots up his hipbone. Kaoru stumbles, but manages to catch himself while Adam remains silent, watching Kaoru with dead eyes and a flat mouth.
“I think we need to go to the doctor. It hurts quite a bit.” Kaoru pleads.
“I didn’t bring my car. Get a cab or something.” Adam leaves and Kaoru almost calls Kojiro for help, before cringing in embarrassment and moving to dress himself.
He does get a cab.
…
Langa doesn’t seem to understand exactly how creepy Adam’s behaviour towards him was. Sure, he gets mad whenever they bring up Adam but it’s more because of Reki.
Kaoru feels a strange sort of kinship with Langa and that makes his heart break inside his chest. He sees teenage Kaoru in Langa’s bafflement as he tries to rationalise Adam’s actions. He didn’t feel violated, Langa keeps saying.
Not now, you don’t, Kaoru thinks.
It drives Reki insane.
Reki doesn’t see how Langa can’t see what’s right in front of him and as far as matters go, Kaoru knows someone else who can see their own teenaged self in Reki’s rage as he tries to make Langa understand.
The good part is, Langa isn’t interested in Adam like that, or like anything to be honest. It’s been months since his beef with Adam and most of the times, Adam leaves them alone. When he does try approaching Langa, the rest of them make sure he won’t be able to.
(There was one time when Miya tripped Adam and Shadow promptly threw his chewed gum into his hair. Adam lay off their group for weeks after that.)
The bad part is, he doesn’t need to be interested in Adam for Reki to lose his mind worrying about him.
Just the fact that Langa isn’t as obviously disgusted by Adam as the rest of them is enough to make Reki launch himself into hyper-protective mode and nobody listens to anybody once that happens.
“I am disgusted by him!” Langa protests again and again.
“Not for the right reasons!”
It’s the hill Reki is willing to die on. Kaoru respects his commitment but Reki doesn’t know what it is to be charmed by Adam. The boy possesses a backbone forged in literal steel, it seems.
“It’s not weak to fall for Adam’s charms. You did, I did, Langa almost did. He is a manipulative son of a bitch and its not his victim’s fault that he is like that.” Kojiro keeps reminding him.
Kaoru is walking up the staircase to the roof after fixing a TV for Manager Oka that Miya had somehow managed to fuck up, when he hears them at it again.
He sighs.
“It’s strange.” Oka-san remarks from behind him.
“Hmm?”
“He is never here but it’s like he always is.”
Kaoru can’t help but agree.
“I don’t understand.” Langa is holding Reki’s hands, clearly trying to calm him down. “You keep calling Adam a predator but I am over the age of consent here in Japan.”
Reki boils over and Kojiro quickly slaps a hand on his mouth to keep the brash idiot from making this worse.
“It’s a dumb age to put it down to. A very dumb law!” Reki screams anyway.
Kaoru agrees.
“It’s not about the age of consent, Langa.” Kojiro tries to reason. “It’s about the power imbalance. No couple with a power imbalance as huge as Adam always keeps between himself and his partners can ever be healthy and happy.”
(Kaoru doesn’t talk to Adam once he gets back from the doctor with painkillers. It was humiliating but he’s here in one piece and feeling like he can conquer anything, now that he has conquered this.
So, he doesn’t talk to Adam. He doesn’t take his calls or answer his messages. At first, Adam doesn’t seem to care, doesn’t follow up on texts or ask behind Kaoru anymore.
He doesn’t even ask how the doctor’s visit went.
Then, he loses his mind, all at once.
Kaoru is taking a nap when the breakdown begins so he misses the flurry of calls Adam causes. He wakes up to manic knocking on his door, eyes wide and heart racing. His parents aren’t supposed to be home until the next day and he must have slept longer than he intended to because its dark outside. He is only half awake and now there’s someone trying to take his door down, going at it with an actual hammer it seems.
Oh, no, that’s just a thunderclap. It’s pouring outside, and Kaoru feels a little scared. He hopes it’s Kojiro.
It isn’t.
Through the peephole he can see Adam’s familiar hoodie, dripping with water but doing a good job of sheltering him anyway. Without thinking twice, Kaoru pulls the door open.
Adam is immediately upon him, wet clothes pressing against Kaoru’s dry ones as he lays kisses all over his face. Kaoru can barely hold him back, or remain upright. He is knocked back soon enough and Adam kicks the door shut behind them.
“Hey!” Kaoru screams out, louder than he needs to, simply because he is so startled by Adam’s sudden and drenched appearance.
Adam shrinks away from him, eyes darting away. Kaoru reaches out instinctively, grasping Adam’s arm to keep him from running away.
“What’s up?” He asks, way more gently.
“Do you-,” Adam looks up at him for a second, before looking away again. Kaoru is still angry, he is, but he feels like he can’t take that. “Do you have some dry clothes for me to change into?”
Kaoru nods and leaves to find Adam a towel and some clothes. When he returns he hands them over and then mops up the water Adam trails into the washroom behind himself. It helps him take his mind off of the burning sensation in his gut.
He failed to realise how empty he’s been feeling for all the days he has managed to hold off on contacting Adam. Now that the man is back in touching range, Kaoru feels like he is alight once again.
It’s an addictive feeling. Adam is an addictive person. Mysterious and charming, unapproachable and special, here all for Kaoru’s taking. Adam has never not made Kaoru feel special.
Not to mention, the Y/A romance novel type of story that is currently Kaoru’s life is more than a little exciting. He is dating a boy who won’t even let him call him by his real name and he is still madly in love with him and if that doesn’t shoot tingles up his spine, Kaoru can’t tell what else would.
If it turns out to be a bad decision in the long run, that’s a thing for future Kaoru to deal with. This Kaoru is a junkie high on his favourite drug and he’s not ready to consider quitting.
Adam emerges from the washroom by the time Kaoru is done preparing coffee. Kojiro would scrunch up his nose at the instant variety Kaoru stocks, but Adam smiles and thanks him for it.
Kaoru doesn’t smile back.
“I am really, really sorry Kaoru.”
Kaoru refuses to step into the arm Adam extends. He will be damned if he melts this easy.
“I truly felt awful for the way I behaved. Ever since the moment I left your house. I have been feeling like a mess all this time. I can’t believe I just left you like that.”
Kaoru feels indignation rise in his chest, every single word pouring out of Adam’s mouth like fuel to a fire.
“Did you? Because to me it seemed like you couldn’t care less till you had this wild mood swing and ran to me in the fucking rain like the clown I am starting to think you are.”
Adam chuckles, and then immediately rushes to cover his mouth. Kaoru has to bite back a smile himself, annoyed as he still feels. Adam is adorable with his panicked mouth coverings but he has always found irritated, bicker-y Kaoru extremely cute.
That clearly hasn’t changed.
“Come on, that’s a bit much. I’ve been feeling awful all this time and now you’re telling me you think I never cared about you? You know that’s not true. Don’t accuse me of something like that.”
Kaoru can feel his nostrils flaring like those of an enraged bull.
“You left me! In pain! And you have the audacity to suggest I am the one being unfair right now?!”
Adam sets his cup aside and there’s something final about that gesture that stings Kaoru. For a second he finds himself preparing for another one of Adam’s abrupt exits.
He never noticed before but now he can’t stop thinking about it. How Adam comes and leaves whenever he pleases. Kaoru has very little say in when they meet up and where. He knows its kind of a by product of Adam’s entire secret spy/double life schtick, but for the first time he wonders how fair that is to himself.
“I am going to need you to calm down about this, Kaoru or we can’t have a conversation, can we?”
“Honestly, are you even here to apologise? Because you care about me? Or are you here to make me feel bad about being mad over how you treated me?”
Adam stills, eyes not leaving Kaoru’s twisted scowl.
“Because all you’ve done is tell me how awful you felt and how I was wrong for feeling how you made me feel. I don’t know who taught you this, but apologising doesn’t work this way!”
A hand tightens around Kaoru’s wrist, the strength of the grip pinching his skin a little as he is dragged out of the kitchen. Before he can so much as remember to protest, he is being thrown upon the bed again.
Adam comes to perch on his knees. His eyes are liquid fire. For two people who share an eye colour, Kojiro and Adam couldn’t have more wildly different eyes.
“I get it. You’re mad at me because I hurt you. And now I am hurting you more.”
“Get off me then.”
“But I didn’t want to!”
Kaoru has never heard Adam scream before.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, and now you’re saying I don’t care about you and that’s not true either! How could you say-…?”
Adam’s voice trails off, caught in his throat like a painful lump he can’t swallow. He is no longer looking at Kaoru, his eyes are wide with hurt and disbelief. Kaoru often forgets how small Adam’s face actually is, sleek and angled. His jaw isn’t very big and he has yet to grow into his bone structure. When he is not smirking, Adam always looks a little lost.
“I thought you understood…”
“I am trying to.” This is not about Adam injuring Kaoru, maybe it never was. Kaoru finds himself less inclined to get mad about that now than he was seconds ago.
“I love you, Kaoru.”
Kaoru lets Adam kiss him but he is too confused to kiss him back. In his hands, Adam’s own are shivering.
“Are you cold?” Kaoru whispers when Adam’s lips leave his.
“Do you love me?” Adam kisses Kaoru’s chin and feels Kaoru nod, smiling against his skin at that. It teases a little smile out of Kaoru too.
“Good. I am going to make this okay.” Adam says, voice light and reassuring.
“You better.” Kaoru teases because sex is safer than whatever is lurking in the dark of Adam’s eyes.
They get naked fast after that and Adam rides Kaoru through his climax. It’s good as it always is… and then it isn’t.
When Adam pulls out a cigarette while still draped in Kaoru’s lap, Kaoru only scrunches his nose in mock offence. He smokes himself but he has never truly liked it.
After he lights, Adam holds it out.
Kaoru takes it with unsure fingers as he frowns up at Adam. Adam smiles, it’s a soft and happy smile that warms up Kaoru’s heart.
Then, Adam wraps his fingers around Kaoru’s hand, the one that hold the cigarette, and pulls the naked, smoking end of it, right into his skin.
The skin above where his heart is and he holds Kaoru’s hand there as Kaoru screams and struggles to drop the cigarette, all the while with a smile on his face that will haunt Kaoru in his nightmares to come.
“What are you doing?” Kaoru cries, unable to take his eyes off of Adam’s smarting flesh even after he has managed to wrench the cigarette away.
“How else would I make it up to you? I hurt you and you hurt me. We’re even now so you’re free to love me.”
Adam is still smiling and he looks so… genuinely happy…
Kaoru curses himself. Why did he have to go and make such a huge deal out of one little mistake? Why did he have to make Adam feel as if he had to do this? He’s an idiot.
With shivering arms, Kaoru bundles Adam up against himself. He doesn’t cry because if he feels like once he starts, he will never stop.)
“But you saw it, didn’t you? Reki saw it, too! He looks lonely.”
“How’s that our fucking problem?” Miya asks. He hates it when Reki and Langa start fighting, and they only ever fight over Adam. He also almost always tends to take Reki’s side.
“Language” Kojiro immediately snaps. Kaoru doesn’t know whether he should despair at Kojiro’s awful timing or laugh at how he’s really grown into a father figure for Miya ever since the beach day.
“It’s not.” This would work so much better if Langa possessed facial expressions. “I am just saying to me, Adam looks like he needs help.”
Kaoru can feel himself freeze up (not again, he grits his teeth) and he wishes he could grab Langa’s shoulders and shake some sense into him because this is exactly how it started, Adam needs help.
That’s what Kaoru used to think, too.
Adam has always needed help, but he destroys people who try to give it to him.
… and yet Kaoru can’t stop trying, Kojiro can’t stop trying. Not even now, not after everything. Wasn’t that exactly what all those beef challenges were about after all?
He doesn’t want Langa to go down the same route. They can’t help Adam. They are not equipped for it.
There’s pressure on his elbow, and Kojiro is beside him now. That seems to be the wrong move, because Reki looks like he’s going to bite Langa’s head off.
“Oh and you are going to help him?! Despite what he did to Cherry?! Despite what he did to me?!”
“No! I am not going to help him. I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“What are you even fighting about then?” Shadow interjects, trying to be the voice of reason, as he very often is. Who would have thought.
“Because I don’t feel things the way Reki does and he always tries to make me feel like shit about it.”
None of them have anything to say to that, least of all Reki because that’s exactly what he is trying to do after all.
“He’s just looking out for you.” Miya finally recovers.
“I don’t have to spend time and energy continuously declaring my hatred for Adam in order to keep myself safe, Miya.”
“You just don’t get it.” Reki mumbles.
“Because you never explain it to me. You only ever scream.”
Reki bites his lip, frustration running rampant across his face. Kaoru doesn’t think he himself understands what this is about.
“Just stay away from him.”
“I am staying away from him.”
“No helping him?”
Langa rolls his eyes and nods.
“Acknowledging he needs help isn’t the same as volunteering to do the helping.” Kojiro says. He has a gentle, welcoming smile on his face and he is looking at the kids, but the movement of his thumb along Kaoru’s arm reveals that it isn’t the children he is looking to reassure after all.
…
For a long while even after Adam dumped him, Kaoru didn’t realise he was being abused. He’d be telling Kojiro something about his relationship that he considered completely normal and Kojiro would give him a pained, horrified look. At first, Kaoru believed Kojiro didn’t know shit. He called Adam an abuser but Kaoru was never hit. He was never forced.
“And how much did you feel like you had to let him get away with after he pulled the cigarette stunt?”
That got Kaoru thinking, and sometimes he wishes Kojiro had never asked him that.
… because he is still thinking, however many years later. He’s still caught off-guard sometimes by moments plucked out of his and Adam’s perfect little universe that are leaden with pain and poison in actuality.
There’s so much he never saw for what it truly was. Rose tinted glasses were real as the burn mark sitting atop Adam’s chest, and Kaoru hated both.
…
“I keep telling you, you slimy fucking four-eyes, you good for nothing-…!” Kojiro dissolves into cursing in Italian, as he is wont to when he is extremely concerned, which is what he is right now.
“Get contacts!” He screams in Kaoru’s face. Kaoru tries to plug the ape’s eyes… but well, he still doesn’t have his glasses so he almost shoves his fingers up Kojiro’s nostrils instead.
“I do have contacts.” Kaoru mutters, biting back a wince as Kojiro disinfects the nasty looking cut on his knee. “I didn’t think I would need them so I didn’t bring them and I can’t find my glasses.”
Kaoru glares in the direction of Kojiro’s low-rising centre table, the jagged top of which he nicked himself on. Or at least he glares in its vague direction.
“You’re like so fucking blind, dude.” Kojiro mutters. He cleans up Kaoru’s wound and then finds him his glasses.
At some point, he buys a pair of contacts of Kaoru’s prescription and stashes them in the bathroom cabinet of his house.
…
They are cuddling and Kaoru will never admit it but this is the best perk of having a lover.
There’s a movie playing on the screen but Kaoru is only vaguely interested. It started off on a strong premise but the lacklustre cast has sucked a lot of the enjoyment out of the film. It’s called It follows, and Kaoru won’t say it isn’t enjoyable. He surely would enjoy it more if Kojiro, the spoiler junkie, won’t keep looking up spoilers on his phone.
“Can you stop that?” Kaoru snaps.
“What do you think that creature is supposed to depict?” Kojiro questions instead.
“I don’t know, a STD?”
“Hmm that’s what I thought, too but look here.” Kojiro tries to shove his phone in Kaoru’s line of sight and Kaoru immediately cringes away.
“I don’t want spoilers you dumbass gorilla!”
“These aren’t spoilers!”
“If they are I’ll kill you and bury you under Adam’s urinal!”
‘Apart from the literal monster that starts chasing her, what makes Jay's date with Hugh so horrifying isn't the sex, it's the abuse. Like a person hiding an STD from their romantic partner, Hugh lies to Jay about the potential repercussions of sleeping with him, and afterwards, he abandons her. Because of this trauma, Jay becomes "haunted" by the event, represented by a monster that now follows her.’
Curiosity piqued, Kaoru reads forward.
‘What's one way that you can temporarily gain freedom from this monster? By passing it along and abusing someone else. This represents the idea that sometimes, people who are abused process their trauma in the most unhealthy way possible — by becoming abusers themselves.
Perhaps it's no coincidence that, whatever appearance the entity adopts, they're always in some state of undress, and they're also often covered in bruises, looking very much like a victim of sexual abuse.’
Kaoru didn’t make the connection before, and now he feels like something of a dick for disregarding the movie like this. The more he thinks about it, the more the interpretation starts making sense, more sense than his original STD explanation at least.
“I keep telling you I have top tier taste.” Kojiro mumbles into the skin of Kaoru’s shoulder and Kaoru shrugs his lips off of his skin.
“Whatever. The pool scene was still stupid as hell anyway.”
Kojiro lets him have it, because he does agree with Kaoru. He does pick Kaoru up off his lap and deposit him onto the sofa though and Kaoru takes that as an invitation to start a fight.
He clambers back onto Kojiro’s lap, and sits on his fingers this time.
…
“So, are you are Joe dating?” Reki is the last person Kaoru expected to pick up on it, but apparently he’s not done underestimating the boy yet.
“No” He replies and it should come easily given how it is true.
It doesn’t though. Kaoru feels like a liar, and like he can’t possibly face Kojiro now.
“It seemed so.” Reki mutters, frowning a little. He seems way too put off by this and Kaoru, knowing teenagers, curtesy of having been a dumb teenager, immediately knows what’s up.
“Did you perhaps place a bet stating otherwise?”
Reki grins sheepishly.
“I mean, it looked pretty obvious to me.”
“Because you’re an expert at picking up romantic tensions, now.”
To his credit, Reki is self-aware enough to blush at that.
“I- I have gotten better.” He insists. Kaoru decides to let it slide, being the mature adult and all that.
“I can lie to win you the money. For a price, of course.” Kaoru lifts his fan to his face, because he thinks it’ll be a nice touch.
“You’re like an ultra rich adult and you’re going to extort me.” Reki gasps because he’s pointlessly dramatic like that. With a snap Kaoru closes his fan and smacks the back of Reki’s head.
“What I need from you is something… more personal than money.”
“Okay, Adam 2.0”
Another smack for that one.
“I need you to leave Langa alone about Adam.”
Immediately, Reki’s entire body stiffens. For someone who’s entire aesthetic is excitable puppy, Reki can look intense when he wants to.
“No.”
“You don’t understand what Langa is dealing with.”
“Oh, and you do?”
“Yes.”
The admission doesn’t make Kaoru feel as vulnerable as it should.
Reki’s wide eyes and gaping mouth do, though and Kaoru ploughs on before Reki can get in a word sideways.
“Langa won’t go to Adam, we know that, Reki and that should be our only concern for now. You can’t decide how Langa should feel, you’ll never be able to. All you’ll end up doing is you’ll eventually alienate Langa from yourself, and that’s when he’ll become vulnerable to Adam and others like him.”
“He doesn’t understand how dangerous Adam is.”
“No, he doesn’t.” Kaoru agrees. “But he will. I can promise you that. Just be patient with him.”
Reki nods and Kaoru decides to drop it there. It is never a good idea to push teenagers too much.
“Now, shoo. You need to convince Kojiro to play along with our little plan.”
…
Kojiro… doesn’t go along with their ‘little plan’ and for the first time in years, he gets mad at Kaoru.
Really mad.
Kaoru knows because Kojiro doesn’t speak to him when they go to S that night. Or when they leave.
When Kaoru goes to Sia la Luce he finds the door locked, which has never happened before. Kojiro leaves it open because he enjoys cleaning the restaurant up after a good skateboarding session and Kaoru usually joins him. Today, he is clearly not welcome.
Kaoru doesn’t want to have a breakdown in front of Kojiro, so he takes the hint and doesn’t go to Kojiro’s apartment that night.
He debates texting Kojiro a ‘good morning’ after the night he spent wide awake and anxious has lightened enough but they literally never do that, so he doesn’t.
Kaoru spends a nerve-wracking day alone with his thoughts, entirely devoid of Kojiro, and only Carla to distract him. It doesn’t work very well. By the time night falls, he has convinced himself against going to Kojiro’s restaurant again.
He doesn’t think he could take it.
Through the day, he checks his phone obsessively, wondering if Kojiro would text. He doesn’t and that only scares further because Kojiro usually has something or the other to show him through the day but he remains radio silent today. Kaoru can’t be getting too indignant in his displeasure though. It’s not like he has texted Kojiro either.
… and so, the day passes and they don’t speak to each other at all.
… nor do they talk the day after that.
… or the day after that one.
Kaoru feels like he’s being driven insane. He has speeded his way through worry and launched himself headfirst into disbelief. It was such a harmless lie! Why Kojiro got so mad, he can’t understand. They have said so much worse to each other over the years. Granted, they never meant any of it but this reaction still seems disproportionate to Kaoru.
Kojiro has been avoiding him for days now, and because of what?
He knows that Kojiro won’t tell him even if he asks, if the other man ever deigns to speak to him again that is.
He would probably look at Kaoru with his hurt, but still infuriatingly pitying, gaze and refuse to say a word, just like he always does when he launches a loaded question Kaoru’s way and Kaoru refuses to answer it.
Kaoru considers himself intelligent, because he isn’t one to deny facts. It’s something of a slap to the face when he thinks about how long it took him to connect the dots.
Of course, Kojiro is angry.
He’s always wanted more. Even though he never asks for it, it is no secret. For Kaoru to now go, and this is likely how Kojiro looks at it, and make a charade out of his very real emotions…
Kaoru has never loathed himself more. He immediately calls Kojiro, because Kaoru is not the type to hold back on an apology but Kojiro doesn’t pick up.
Kaoru grits his teeth and hangs up.
He had forgotten how big of a dick he could be, how big of a dick he constantly is to his best friend.
It’s times like these when Kaoru wonders if his relationship with Adam wasn’t just karma upfront. Advance punishment for being the bastard he was going to turn out to be in life.
He doesn’t want to waste any time going over to Kojiro but he doesn’t think he should. Kojiro ignored his phone call so he clearly doesn’t want to face Kaoru yet. Isn’t that something he should respect?
His days devoid of Kojiro, have seemed like torture of the worst kind. Everything feels empty and objectively Kaoru knows, Kojiro is a habit he is yet to break but suddenly he is not sure he wants to.
Boring or not, Kojiro is safe and it turns out Kaoru only craves the thrill of insanity that Adam brings along when he has a secure home to go back to.
Without Kojiro, all he thinks about is Kojiro and how his hair feels under Kaoru’s fingertips and how being lifted up by him just might be Kaoru’s favourite thing in the world and how his eyes always look at Kaoru as if he is gem to be protected against the rascals of the world.
Kojiro loves him and Kaoru doesn’t know how to survive without it.
He isn’t brave like Kojiro, nor is he generous. He takes and he runs away with it and all this time, he has given Kojiro nothing.
While Kojiro did everything he could.
… and if that isn’t a power imbalance…
The thought doesn’t startle Kaoru. It feels familiar, like it has always been there, somewhere in the back of his head.
In Kojiro’s own words, a relationship like that can’t be healthy or happy, but he was. He was healthy and happy. Kojiro, however, clearly wasn’t.
Probably hadn’t been ever since that night Kaoru first kissed him.
To prove a point to Adam. To make Adam jealous.
Suddenly, it’s like Kaoru can’t so much as breathe.
He is standing on the edge of a cliff and he knows he has to take a dive, because down below is an important truth about himself that he can’t afford to ignore anymore. He needs to see this through, whatever it is, tug on the scarlet string ties to the ankles of his racing thoughts till they reach their destination…
… and it’s an article he read weeks ago, sitting in Kojiro’s lap on his couch.
All this while, he has been hurting Kojiro, the person only looking to love and help him.
With a gasp, the thread snaps, and in front of his eyes is something that should have been obvious since the beginning.
He is exactly like Adam.
…
Kojiro, ever the mature and understanding adult, shoots Kaoru a message that evening to come see him in his restaurant after it closes. He goes, because he is determined to do everything he can for Kojiro now, even though he is convinced that he will never be able to make it up to the other man if he spends the rest of his life as the man’s faithful servant.
When he gets to the restaurant, the porch light are switched off, which is rare. Kojiro keeps them on for as long as he is inside, regardless of whether the restaurant is closed or not. For the first time in however many years, Kaoru considers knocking.
He dismisses the idea however, tongue already sitting sour at all the unusual occurrences of this encounter.
He walks in, heart in throat, and finds himself looking right at Kojiro’s face. The man is sat upon the bar, facing towards the door, elbows on his knees and chin low as if he were waiting for Kaoru all this time.
“Hi, Kaoru” Kojiro smiles. “Before anything, I must say I am sorry.”
Kaoru can feel his heart break inside his chest.
“Don’t-” Kaoru runs a hand over his face. “Kojiro, please don’t apologise!”
“I overreacted and ignored you like a child over something stupid. Even though I know how your anxiety can get sometimes. That wasn’t very cool.”
Kaoru walks closer, resting his hands on Kojiro’s firm shoulders, desperate to get him to stop talking this way.
“You’re allowed to get mad, Kojiro. Especially when I act like such a gigantic ass.”
Now that they are standing on the brink of a break-up, something Kaoru had silently been praying for all this time, there’s nothing more that he wants to do than hold on to Kojiro forever.
“You are always a gigantic ass. That’s why I love you, Kaoru. And don’t you forget that.”
Kaoru is trembling. Kojiro makes no move to try to comfort him this time.
“But I have realised a few things in the past few days. I am sorry I made such a huge thing out of a stupid bet, but I can’t turn a blind eye to the truth, anymore. I thought I could but I can’t.”
Kaoru closes his eyes, in a futile attempt to shield himself from the hot, white lacerations that Kojiro’s words feel like. It’s crazy. He should be relieved, but he feels like his entire world is falling away and it has a less to do with guilt and more with the implication behind his best friend’s words.
Kojiro’s own voice remains calm. He has rehearsed this, Kaoru realises with a whimper that he has trouble biting back.
“I love you, Kaoru and you don’t love me and for all this time, I thought I was fine with that. I was happy with whatever you were willing to give me. I never expected more, and I tried not to hope either but I think some stupid part of me did. When Reki came and said you wanted to pretend to date me to win him a bet…”
Kojiro trails off, as if the thought still pinches at him. With everything in him, Kaoru wishes he could take that back.
He never thought about how Kojiro would feel. Just like Adam never used to think about how Kaoru would feel.
“I just… all this time, I thought you at least respected my feelings, you know? Because I know you knew. You always knew. Even when… even during Adam.”
Kaoru audibly gasps this time. There is no way Kojiro loved him back then, is there?
“No!” He can’t help but protest. He can hear his own voice breaking. “No, I didn’t know! Not back then! I only realised it after we started sleeping together.”
A thousand what-ifs rush through Kaoru’s aching heart. What would it be like if it was Kojiro he had dated back then? He would be way less fucked up, at least.
Kojiro nods, but he doesn’t look convinced.
“I thought you always knew. Adam knew. He must have told you.”
“I swear to you he didn’t!” Kaoru cups Kojiro’s face. It’s not visible but while he is touching him, Kaoru can feel how his jaw is trembling.
“How did he even find out?”
“I don’t know. He’s Adam. He just knows stuff.”
Kaoru nods. He is curious how Adam picked up on something he never did but he doesn’t want to keep talking about that man.
“I thought you slept with me that night because you knew I was a safe bet. You knew I won’t refuse you.”
“No,” Kaoru shakes his head vehemently. “I picked you because I was attracted to you.”
“But you did it to make him jealous?”
Kaoru can’t bring himself to lie, though he recognises it would be more merciful to.
“You always knew?”
“You were like a cockatiel the next day, with all the hickeys I gave you. I am not an idiot, Kaoru. I immediately knew what this was about.”
Just when Kaoru thought things couldn’t get worse…
“But then Adam stopped showing up at S but you didn’t stop coming to me. I thought I had a chance for a while there. I didn’t though I never did and I learned to be fine with it. Except now, I just don’t think I can do this anymore without hurting myself. I don’t want to hurt anymore, Kaoru. I want to get over you. Been way too long. It’s getting kind of pathetic, now.”
Kaoru can only nod, mesmerised by the tears trailing down Kojiro’s cheeks, unmindful of his own.
He has never seen Kojiro look like this before.
“Can I kiss you? One last time?”
Kojiro nods, opening his arms to let Kaoru settle against his chest. Kaoru tilts his face upwards and catches Kojiro in a soft, wet kiss. It lasts too long, for a kiss so innocent but neither of them seem eager to let go.
“I am sorry for all the pain I caused you, Kojiro. I never meant for things to get this bad.” Kaoru whispers after they pull away. Kojiro tries for a reassuring smile.
“You didn’t hurt me. I did. I stuck around knowing what you felt. I don’t know what I was expecting.”
“But you-you are still my friend, right?”
Kaoru just might start bawling if this means their friendship has to end, too.
“Of course.” Kojiro assures him. “I will always be your friend, Kaoru. I will appreciate a little space for a while, though. Just till I can clear my head.”
Kaoru nods and for what he vows to himself will be the last time, he lets Kojiro hold him till he stops crying.
…
Sakurayashiki Kaoru is a smart fellow, even if he isn’t the most emotionally aware or resilient. Sakurayashiki Kaoru also tends to be too hard on himself, and so, in light of his new realisations about himself, it is pretty obvious what he goes to do next.
Therapy.
Because he never wants to be an Adam.
He decides to visit the therapist who helped him when his anxiety first got really bad in middle school. The lady had walked Kaoru through the right medication for when he needed it and helped him understand what he was suffering from and how he could best deal with it with and without meds. He trusts her, and just the thought of her kind, always open face makes him smile.
Though when he is sitting in front of her, he comes to regret his decision. It’s much more difficult to admit to someone who knows him, that he is worried he might have been emotionally abusing his partner, than it is to say it to a stranger he is yet to form a connection with. Kaoru considers lying, saying his anxiety has gotten worse and that is what he needs help with but it’s ultimately his self-loathing that wins out. He doesn’t think he is deserving of any grace whatsoever so he doesn’t give it to himself.
There, in Dr. Yamazaki’s pastel pink office with it’s delicately carved white windows, the two of them together begin to unravel the web of Kaoru’s life. Confusion and frustration abound and Kaoru feels like lashing out more often than he feels soothed during the first few sessions. Yet, he comes back every Monday and Thursday, without fail. It becomes his new constant, his new rock of stability and it’s sort of freeing to be deriving support from someone who’s entire job is to provide it. Kaoru doesn’t have to bite his words back, and temper his moods. He calls Kojiro boring and then he says he loves him, in the same damn breath and he feels like after years, he is starting to know himself again.
… and then, she makes him see it.
It’s frustrating, as a full grown adult, to be questioned on what it means to be abused. Kaoru insists he knows because he has been abused. The doctor says that’s not what she was asking about and Kaoru stumbles.
What is it to be abused?
He doesn’t know. He knows Adam did it to him though.
Dr. Yamazaki nods and says she never doubted that for a second, because Kaoru is the victim who gets to speak for himself. He does not, however, get to speak for Kojiro.
“I kept thinking my relationship with him was boring. How could I?! He gave me everything.”
Big words are thrown around the office, and often. As a more confident adult, Kaoru finds it harder to agree with Dr. Yamazaki on most things. She assures him it is natural. Kaoru wants to cling to the narrative that most makes sense to him.
Apparently, not only is it common for victims of abuse to become abusers themselves, but it’s just as common for them to develop a heightened and unrealistic sense of guilt because they’d rather be the biggest, baddest monster, than a victim ever again.
They have what Kaoru calls a fight that day. Dr. Yamazaki calls it progress.
It is six months into regular therapy sessions that Kaoru understand what it is to have been conditioned. He isn’t evil or ungrateful to Kojiro for craving for Adam despite knowing what an asshole he is. It’s not that he doesn’t love Kojiro when he finds himself bored in the sweet, sweet careless domesticity that was his life with the other man. Apparently, he had been conditioned. His body was craving a fix because it was so used to wanting one. Never having had a real relationship after Adam and before Kojiro, made sure Kaoru never got to break out of the haze. He goes into a romantic entanglement with warped expectations and it’s not his fault.
It’s not his fault.
His body rejects the relief at first and he vomits once he gets home. Slowly, his heart warms up to it fluttering around in his chest like a happy little bird, so much more at peace than he ever remembers it being.
Ten months into regular therapy sessions, he tells Kojiro he’s been going to them.
They had maintained their distance for the first month or so, but Kaoru is starting to suspect neither of them are capable of navigating a world where they are not beside each other. They fall back into old routines, simpler patterns. They bicker, they laugh, they hang out with the kids. They actually go to the mall together to buy Reki’s birthday present that day.
Kojiro always tells Kaoru he is fine. He is stopped looking like he is lying.
That’s when Kaoru spills his heart out to the other man. He tells him everything, tell him he loves him and marvels at how the roles have been reversed. He is the one in love now, entirely at Kojiro’s mercy. If Kojiro doesn’t want him then that’s that, not that he is expecting Kojiro to. If the man was crueler, Kaoru could at least sate himself with the caress of Kojiro’s naked flesh in throes of casual intimacy, but he isn’t, so Kaoru can not.
Kojiro doesn’t cry that day. Kaoru doesn’t either.
(“Shut up, gorilla! Tearing up isn’t the same as tears!”)
Kojiro kisses Kaoru and thanks him for being honest. He is honest in return, tells Kaoru he doesn’t think he is ready yet.
Kaoru doesn’t dare to ask if he ever will be.
Slowly, gradually, walls Kaoru had never even been aware of, disintegrate in front of his eyes. It’s not always easy, but it’s a lot easier.
Kaoru has been in therapy for two years when he feels like he is ready to navigate his life without needing someone else to sort out his thoughts for him. Dr. Yamazaki tells him to never be afraid of returning. Bones hold trauma, she tells him, and yours have been sitting untouched, ageing in silence for far too long.
It happens at S because of course it does.
It’s all Kojiro’s fault, too. The idiot. Kaoru is never going to let him live this one down.
Kojiro has been racing with Reki because they have really grown into what Miya keeps referring to as ‘found family trope’. Langa and Kaoru are cheering for them, which means they are very intently thinking about how they want their men to win. Miya and Shadow are doing a better job at verbalising said support.
Kojiro’s stupid (sexy) powerhouse of a body overpowers this time, right as he tries to come to a stop. His technique is in no way incorrect, but his pants are ridiculously long and he catches his shoe in it, stumbling off balance. Kaoru, who is standing right next to him, steps on the front of Kojiro’s board with ease, keeping it steady. Due to physical limitations, he can’t catch Kojiro around the waist and allow him to swoon like the princess child Kojiro used to stick leaves to his hair to cosplay but he threads his fingers through the waistband of the giant’s pants and keeps him from landing on his butt and Kojiro’s going to have to make his peace with it.
Kaoru is planning to gloat, due to personality reasons, but two years is a long, long time and having Kojiro’s face so close to his own makes Kaoru’s eyes widen till there is a healthy amount of adoration and panic dripping out of them.
Kojiro’s arms come to rest on Kaoru’s shoulders. Kojiro had forgotten how ridiculously attractive Kojiro looks, with his jacket thrown off his shoulders and his green curls sticking to his neck with sweat.
Someone is whistling.
(It is Shadow.)
There, caught under the glare of the factory’s overhead lights, fingers brushing against the damp skin of Kojiro’s abs, Kaoru loses his mind.
“I- there’s something I need to ask you.”
A date. He wants a date. He needs a fucking date with this man, goddamnit!
Kojiro smiles. He leans forward, like he just might kiss Kaoru and against the bridge of Kaoru’s nose he whispers-
“Hmm? I think I want to hear it.”