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Goth stood in front of his mirror, staring at his reflection, hating everything that he saw. He didn’t experience gender dysphoria often, but when he did, it came in full force.
Absentmindedly, he reached for the rubber band around his wrist, stretching it to the point of nearly breaking before letting it snap back. A sharp sting radiated up his arm and he moaned, half in pain and half in pleasure. Goth’s therapist had recommended doing this as an alternative to self-harm, but he didn’t think his therapist would approve of the way he was implementing this technique. He would snap the band over and over in the same place, for hours on end, until the welts it caused started to turn purple and the skin split.
“Hello?”
Goth heard a voice in the living room. Letting his sleeve drop back over his wrist, he emerged from his bedroom and saw Jock standing by the door out into the hall. As soon as he saw Goth, his face brightened into a smile.
“Hey!” he said. “I’m looking for Prep, we’re going to get ice cream.”
With a chuckle, Goth said, “I think he left ten minutes ago, probably to look for you at your dorm.”
“Oh God, I’m such an idiot,” Jock said, smacking himself on the forehead.
“No, you’re not,” Goth snapped, being more forceful than he meant to be.
Jock frowned. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Goth turned to head back into his room, but Jock reached out and caught his arm.
“Hey. Don’t shut me out. I’m here for you.”
Turning back to Jock, Goth saw a look of genuine concern in Jock’s eyes. “I just...don’t feel very good about myself today,” he said, looking away as he said it.
Jock nodded. “Tell me about it?”
Goth sat down on the couch and Jock plopped down beside him. Goth was quiet for a long time, not knowing what to say. He wasn’t someone to really talk about his feelings much. He’d learned a long time ago that it was better not to.
“I don’t like the way my body looks,” Goth said.
“I love the way your body looks,” Jock replied, flashing Goth a smirk. Goth glared at him, and Jock dropped the smile, mumbling, “Sorry.”
“I hate my body and it’s never going to be what it needs to be.” He fingered the rubber band around his wrist, itching to snap it again.
“When I was a freshman in high school, I joined the basketball team.” Goth frowned, wondering where he was going with this. “There were a lot of great players, all these tall, strong guys, and I was this scrawny thing. I wanted to be great like them, so I started training in my free time, cut sugar and junk food out of my diet. I grew six inches and gained fifty pounds of muscle. It was great! But...it wasn’t good enough. I had become obsessed with how my body looked in comparison to others and hated myself because no matter what I did, I still felt disgusting. I was working out constantly and eating nothing but protein shakes. It wasn’t until I passed out in the middle of the championship game that I came to terms with the fact I had an eating disorder.”
Goth reached out and slid his hand into Jock’s. “Thank you for telling me that,” he whispered. “But this isn’t really like that.”
“Then what is it like?”
“I...no matter what I do, I’m not going to have a man’s body.” Goth felt tears prick his eyes. “No matter what I do, I was born a girl and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He felt Jock’s hand tighten around his, but Jock was silent. Goth could tell he was trying to think of the best thing to say in reply to this.
Suddenly, the door flew open and Prep paraded in. “Hey, sorry, Nerd told me that--” He stopped when he noticed the serious manner of Jock and Goth. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Goth said, turning so Prep wouldn’t notice his tears. He stood, pulling his hand out of Jock’s and headed toward his room, only to have Prep step in front of him and wrap his arms around Goth’s waist. He kissed Goth softly, then gently took his wrist. Goth looked away, ashamed that they both knew what they would find. Slipping Goth’s sleeve up his arm, Prep gently kissed the bruises on his wrist.
“You are so beautiful,” Prep murmured. Goth felt Jock come up behind him and wrap his arms around Goth as well, turning him into a human sandwich. He was surprised how much he enjoyed the warmth and comfort of this. “Your body is perfect the way it is.”
“But I’m not what you guys--”
“You are everything we want,” Jock said.
“We’ve been living together since freshman year, and we’ve fucked how many times?” Prep asked. “Clearly, I very much love your body.”
Goth chuckled, but he quickly dissolved into sobs. He clutched Prep closer, burying his face into Prep’s shoulder. The two boys held him tightly until he cried himself out.
“You guys can let go of me now,” Goth said.
They let go of him with a smile.
“I’m sorry I got you all wet,” Goth said to Prep.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said with a laugh. “Just let me go change real quick and then we can all go get some ice cream.”
“Okay. I’m going to call Nerd to see if he wants to come too.”
Prep disappeared into his room, closing the door behind him. Jock put a hand on Goth’s shoulder, stopping him mid-dial.
“I know that I don’t know exactly what you're going through, but I’ll always be there for you, no matter what. And, if it makes you feel better, I’m bi, so don’t worry about whether I like your body or not. It’s yours, and that’s the part that I really like.”
Goth stepped forward and kissed him. “Thank you,” he whispered.