Archive of Our Own

Sapnap was just about done with school. 

He didn’t know how he had survived as long as he had, constantly being exposed to new challenges and struggles each day. His grades were going down, his stress was going up, he was losing friends as a result, and he had turned to alcohol and slitting his wrists to feel better. It probably wasn’t the healthiest coping mechanism, but it worked for Sapnap, and that was what mattered.

He still went to his classes, as much as he hated to do so. He was losing motivation and focus in each one, always finding something else to do, but being present helped keep his parents off his back. His problems had gotten to the point where certain school administrators had taken notice, and his parents were to be contacted if he skipped or anything were to go wrong. While Sapnap knew that he needed help, school therapists and fake friends were not a good way of doing it. In fact, his motivation only decreased, rendering him useless when it came to any activity he could be a part of.

Sapnap was beginning to think he would kill himself before the end of college. There was no point in trying if all he was going to do was make his family and friends upset. It seemed like he couldn’t do anything to please them in the end. No matter how much he tried (which was already limited for the time being), nothing ever worked.

That was the reason Sapnap had given himself a week. He wasn’t ready to let go just yet; he needed time to process what he was going to do. He needed to internalize the time in which he was going to say goodbye. There were still things that he wanted to partake in, some of his favorite hobbies before he eventually ended it all.

The calendar was set, marked with simple fire symbols so as not to cause suspicion.

He stuffed his planner back into his bag, flopping back on the shitty dorm bed that felt like a rock. He glanced at the time. Two in the morning. It looked like he wasn’t getting much sleep again.

Sapnap sighed, already knowing that it was rare for things to go his way. Without another word, he closed his eyes, allowing his body to relax and at least try to get some shut-eye.

One

It was another average day for Sapnap, one that he didn’t want to be a part of. He spent twenty minutes in bed past when he was supposed to be up, not sleeping, not on his phone, simply staring at the wall. He focused on his breathing, focused on his presence, his consciousness, the fact that he was still alive. To any normal person, the feeling would have been reassuring, but not to Sapnap. For Sapnap it was only tortuous.

He eventually managed to get himself to stand, warm feet touching the cold ground. A shiver racked through his whole body, though it wasn’t a new feeling. Sapnap was one of the only kids on campus notorious for wearing a thick hoodie on hot summer days. It wasn’t that his body couldn’t provide enough heat — he was well-off when it came to the fat needed to do so — but simply the fact that he constantly felt cold. He had connected it to his stress, anxiety, and mental state long ago, but he never had the heart to try and change it. 

The usual breakfast bar was grabbed from the counter, granola with chocolate chips, then stuffed in his back to travel with him until he eventually got hungry enough to scarf it down. He threw on whatever clothes he saw first, not particularly caring if they matched or not. His simple sweats would have to do for the day. After getting dressed and trying to make his hair look somewhat presentable (his bandanna helped him to not be self-conscious of his bangs), he started the trek to his first class of the day.

Sapnap was always late. There was no way around it; he just was. He didn’t care when the teacher glared at him, sometimes calling him out by name, causing the rest of the students in the class to glance at him and do a normal roll of their eyes. It was not as big of a deal if a student was late maybe once or twice, but Sapnap was at least late by twenty minutes consistently. He engaged in the grudging shuffle, the same one he took to his seat every day. He dropped his bag carelessly, the loud sound reverberating through the lecture hall. The teacher cast him another stone-cold glare before turning back to his lesson, talking about whatever coding mechanism Sapnap had not paid attention to last class.

Everything was running smoothly, boring as always, when the door slammed open once more. The heads of all the students in the room turned, Sapnap included. He was normally the last one to class. Who was late by almost double the time as him?

His question was answered when he saw the fluffy-haired brunette, donning a color block hoodie and simple jeans. When he raised his hand to card through his hair Sapnap caught sight of the shiny rings, silver paired well with the pastel colors of his nails. Needless to say, this boy looked put together, and he put almost everyone around him to shame. He turned to the professor and offered him a brilliant smile, one that anyone looking couldn’t tear their eyes away from. Needless to say, he was pretty. 

“Sorry, I’m late!” He apologized, making his way into the room. “I just changed my major and this is one of the classes I’m supposed to take.”

Professor Taken consulted his attendance sheet, eyes narrowed through dark-rimmed glasses. His face seemed to light up when he found the boy’s name, lifting his pen to mark him off. “Ah! Karl, right? You can find a free seat and get comfortable. The lesson shouldn’t be hard to pick up if you listen.”

Karl nodded, walking in between the aisles of desks. Sapnap found himself following his trail, admiring the small plushies he had clipped to the strings of his bag. He had a small duck and a panda, the charms bouncing with each step he took. Sapnap’s eyes followed them, not pretending to pay attention to the lesson. His gaze was broken when the charms were suddenly right in front of him, a bag being whisked around and deposited onto the floor by his chair.

“Hi!” Karl beamed, taking a seat next to Sapnap. “I’m Karl! What’s your name?”

Sapnap blinked. This cute boy was trying to make conversation? No one ever talked to him! He didn’t know how to respond, having been ignored for entirely too long. He barely had anyone that he could trust, not even his roommate. Since everyone had been so dead-set on ignoring him he had accepted the fact that he would be alone. Being in a situation where he was expected to be social was an entirely new concept to him.

Unsure of what to do, Sapnap said nothing. He turned back to his computer, hoping Karl would find out he was nothing special and leave him alone. He wouldn't be around for much longer anyway. He felt Karl’s eyes on him for a long time, analyzing his behavior and trying to make sense of him. 

Karl would give up soon. Sapnap wasn’t worried. Nobody ever stuck around long enough to support him in the end.

He was already reaching into his bag for his phone, pulling it out and setting it on his desk, when he saw a sticky note in place of where his hand once was. Sapnap frowned, reaching for the folded yellow piece of paper. He unfolded it as quietly as he could, reading whatever was there.

Not much of a talker; I get it! We can communicate like this if you want! :] -K

Sapnap blinked once more, casting a sideways glance Karl’s way. It was clear the other was trying to be as discreet as possible, eyes trained on the material being projected on the whiteboard. Karl was not as good of an actor as Sapnap thought, however, as the way his eyes creased complete with the extensive smile on his face gave it all away.

Again, Sapnap didn’t know what to do. Even if the sticky notes provided a sense of security with not bothering to talk, this could be some sort of trap. He was nothing special, quiet and ugly, probably smelly from reduced showering, and yet he was the one Karl wanted to talk to? It seemed too good to be true.

Sapnap solved this problem by simply not responding, hooking his fingers under the corners of the note. He pulled, tearing it in half, then did it again for the remaining pieces. He continued to tear the paper until it looked like it had been through a shredder, except Sapnap was the manual method of destruction. At that time, the clock signified the end of class, Professor Taken letting everyone leave.

Sapnap packed up as quickly as he could, booking it out the door before Karl could see the mess he made on their table. He normally wouldn’t care about what other people thought of him, but for some reason, he didn’t want to face the look of disappointment he knew Karl would wear. 

He simply went back to his dorm, ready to spend the rest of the day doing nothing. He had no more classes, no homework that he would actually have the motivation to do, no drive to treat himself to any sort of hobby or food that he liked. 

He pulled out his planner, crossing off the first day with a red pen.

One down, six to go.

Two

The ripped-up paper didn’t work.

Karl still tried to talk to him the next day, tapping Sapnap’s shoulder to get his attention. Sapnap kept his eyes on Professor Taken, not wanting to be forced into a conversation. Wasn’t his rude actions message enough? He didn’t want anything to do with the cute boy! 

Another neon-colored sticky note was pushed in front of him, pulling him out of his thoughts. Sapnap unfolded the pink slip of paper, reading the message there.

I like your hoodie! It looks soft. Where from?

Sapnap crumpled up the paper, not even giving Karl a sideways glance. He pushed it off to the side, closing his eyes once more. He didn’t want to focus on anything right now, he was just here so he wouldn’t be marked absent from class. He heard a dejected huff from right beside him, then felt another piece of paper being pushed into his hands.

If you’re worried about getting caught, don’t worry! I’m very sneaky! I’ve never been caught before!

The raven scoffed, turning to look at Karl now. The other boy was staring right back at him this time, not trying to appear like he was focusing on something else. Sapnap held up the note, waving it in front of Karl’s face. “What gives?” He mouthed, looking annoyed.

Karl shrugged in response, swiping the sticky note from Sapnap. He flashed the raven a wink before putting his pen to the paper, scribbling something down in a free corner. This time the paper fluttered down onto his lap, Karl losing estimate of where the edge of the table was.

Sapnap glanced down, reading the most recent phrase.

Let’s hang out after class! I don’t like coffee, but I know a good cafe.

No. Sapnap didn’t want to hang out, he had things to do! Granted, those things didn’t include much, but almost anything was better than being forced into doing something social! He wanted to go back to his dorm and force himself to watch an old show or anime that he liked, one he hadn’t seen in a while. Within six days, he would never see it again.

The bell rang, signifying the end of the block. Sapnap had gone through the majority of the lecture in his head, though it wasn’t a new occurrence. He stood up and grabbed his bag, trying to make it past Karl as quickly as he could, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

When he turned around, he was met with big doe eyes, looking down at him with a delicate shine that could only be present on the most intricate carved glass. Sapnap was rooted to his spot, gazing right back into them.

Karl’s eyes were beautiful.

Just like him.

“Come on, walk with me?” He asked, voice silky smooth.

Sapnap hesitated, glancing toward the door. He weighed his options. He could either bolt out the door and leave Karl all alone, or hang out with the kid for a while. He frankly had no motive to hang out with the handsome boy in the color block hoodie, but those eyes stared into his soul.

How could he say no to eyes like those?

Sapnap said nothing, only shuffling toward the exit. Karl watched him, almost discouraged, hanging his head pitifully. When Sapnap glanced over to check if he was coming he saw this, fingers twitching at an unfamiliar feeling coursing through his veins.

Karl’s hair flopped in front of his eyes, obstructing his vision and rendering him looking like a lost puppy. He wasn’t crying, fingers hidden by the sweater paws he sported, but it somehow looked sadder. His lower lip was out in a pout, eyebrows creased, long lashes fluttering softly against pale cheeks. Sapnap stared at him for a moment longer, taking in his pitiful beauty.

He blinked after a while, snapping out of his trance.

He couldn’t let himself get distracted.

“Are you coming?” Sapnap asked, voice slightly hoarse. He cringed at the sound, hating the way he spoke, but Karl’s whole body seemed to be more animated. 

“Oh! You’re actually going to hang out with me?”

“Yeah,” Sapnap affirmed, hands stuffed in his pockets. “Quickly, before I change my mind.”

Karl bounded over to Sapnap, a bright grin on his face. His little charms bounced happily with each step he took, looking almost as happy as a dog. He stopped when he was right next to the shorter, glancing down at him. “So… I guess I should lead you to this cafe, right?”

Sapnap grunted in response.

Karl ignored that, taking the lead. Sapnap was forced to follow him, biting back complaints about his feet killing him. His dorm was not far from his classes, and it was clear that this cafe was much farther than that. Karl looked to be having the time of his life, a little spring in his step as he moved. Sapnap could even mistake it for skipping, the action being very childish yet very cute.

They eventually reached their destination, Karl stopping to do some jazz hands in front of the main entrance. “Ta-da! A cafe! It’s called Badlands Cafe, though I don’t know why. They make good food!”

Sapnap nodded once. 

Karl reached over, holding the door open for him. He even did a mock bow, hair falling over his face and spilling across his cheekbones once more. “After you, your highness!”

Sapnap snorted, not a laugh but close. It was as close to a laugh as he had been in months, not being able to bring himself to do so. He was surprised at the sudden noise, wandering inside the unknown business.

The ambiance of the cafe seemed welcoming. The walls were decorated with a light red and blue, the occasional egg design present on various walls. The seats were made of dark wood, smoothed over to prevent splinters, and there were even a couple of stickers on the display case. This sort of establishment seemed like Karl’s style, a restaurant that he would go to when he needed some time to himself. 

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Karl beamed, sounding proud of himself. “I found this place on a whim. I tend to go around exploring areas I don’t know and stopped in here! The workers are nice.”

That was intriguing to Sapnap. “Areas you don’t know? Do you use your GPS or some sort of tracking device?”

Karl shook his head, practically radiating. “That ruins the fun! The point is to get lost and find your way back again! Just like the first humans did: the nomads!”

Sapnap smiled, folding his arms. “I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“It is now!” Karl argued, heading up to the front desk. A shorter boy with glasses greeted them both, running a hand through his poofy hair.

“Hello, you two! What can I get for ya?”

“Hm…” Karl brought a hand up to his chin, stroking it thoughtfully. “It always takes me a while to decide on these types of things. You order first.”

“Oh, no,” Sapnap put up his hands, taking a step back from the counter. “I’m not hungry.”

Karl snapped his head towards him, eyes wide. “I take you to the best cafe on all of campus and you’re not hungry? Give me a break. You have to at least try something !”

“I forgot my—”

“I’ll buy it for you.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

Sapnap groaned, already knowing he wasn’t going to win this fight. He hadn’t known Karl for long — barely over a day — but he could already tell that this boy was stubborn. He had already somehow managed to get him to do something social and he didn’t want to cause a scene. 

Karl would probably cause a scene if Sapnap kept saying no.

“Fine. Uh, I guess the strawberry cake pop? That will be it.”

Karl wasn’t satisfied with that answer. “And a milkshake.”

“And a milkshake?”

“Vanilla, two straws,” he confirmed, watching as the worker wrote it down on his notepad. “Oh, and a slice of cheesecake for me, please! Thank you so much!”

Sapnap sulked, gazing at the boy with glasses. “How much does he have to pay?”

“Twenty dollars, tax included,” he replied simply, to which Karl pulled out his wallet and handed him a bill. “Thank you!”

“Twenty dollars?” Sapnap exclaimed, making sure his voice was lowered when he and Karl went to go find a table. “That’s some expensive ass food! You didn’t have to do that, I can pay you back tomorrow—”

“Oh, shush!” Karl interrupted him, slamming his hand down on the seat of a booth. “It’s my treat! Here, take a seat across from me, yeah? I still don’t know your name!”

Sapnap exhaled, sliding into the seat on the other side of the table. He placed his hands on top of it, tapping his fingers nervously on the surface. “Well, I guess I should tell you. You did buy me food,” he muttered, taking a deep breath. “Sapnap. My name is Sapnap.”

“Ooh!” Karl giggled, clapping his hands. “That’s so unique! How did your parents figure that out?”

Sapnap tapped his foot on the ground. Another nervous habit. Karl was bringing them all out, wasn’t he? “That’s not my real name,” he emphasized, fingers curling into his palms. “It’s Sapitus. Sapnap is a nickname.”

“Sapitus sounds cool too, like the name of a gladiator!” Karl reassured him, reaching into his bag. Sapnap watched as he pulled out a fairly thick book, pushing it over the raven’s way. “See, kinda like the book I’m reading! It’s called Tales From the SMP and it has a bunch of different stories in it! It’s about a time traveler that goes and sees the past and possible future settings of the world! There is a story about strong warriors in here.”

“Huh,” Sapnap effused, glancing at the bound book. So Karl was a history nerd. He would make sure to remember that later.

Karl blushed lightly, taking the book back. He pushed it back into his bag, looking down at his lap. “Sorry if I went on a bit of a tangent there, I’m just super passionate about things like this. I like sci-fi and learning about how the world we’re in now came to be. It’s interesting.”

Seeing Karl flustered had Sapnap confused. He had been made fun of for his interests in the past, so if anyone knew how that felt, it was him. He understood Karl’s reluctance to get too detailed on a certain topic, keeping most of his stories to himself. He understood the need to play into a certain persona, acting in various ways to seem “normal”. He knew what it was like to be the odd one out, and judging by the way Karl had tried to defend himself, it was clear he had been that oddball in the past.

“I like it,” Sapnap burst out, neck heating up. “I like it when you talk like that. I don’t get what you’re talking about , but I like hearing you talk. Please keep talking.”

Karl was silent,  not saying anything until their food was brought over to him. Sapnap received his cake pop and Karl his slice of cheesecake, the vanilla milkshake with two straws placed in the middle of the table. Sapnap half-heartedly thanked the waiter, pushing the paper around his treat down to take a bite of his snack.

The rest of their time together went well. Karl told Sapnap a bit more about himself and Sapnap felt comfortable enough to make small talk back, even if he wasn’t having the most fun. By the time they said goodbye and Sapnap walked back to his dorm, he felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. However, when he reached his room and flopped down on his bed, he was reminded of the calendar he had set for himself.

He had a limited amount of time. The day was already close to being over.

Two down, five to go.

Three

When Karl took his seat next to Sapnap, the raven no longer felt antsy. After being forced to hang out with him the other day and make conversation, he felt he knew the boy well enough to be somewhat relaxed. However, he knew that he couldn’t get attached, not wanting to have Karl be upset when he was gone. If anything, he had to try to push him away. It was for Karl’s sake.

Unfortunately for Sapnap, Mr. Taken seemed dead-set on making sure everyone worked in groups for the next unit. He didn’t allow students to choose their groups — not wanting anyone to feel left out — so he settled for table partners.

Sapnap’s problem was that Karl was his table partner, and he knew the other boy would only take this chance to strike up a conversation again. He could ignore anyone else, let them be upset with him, try and do the project all by themselves, but he couldn’t do that with Karl.

Not like he would want to do that to him anyway.

Karl was practically bouncing out of his seat, already searching up some of the material online. The large pad of neon sticky notes was next to him, empty with the promise of filling them up later on. 

“Okay,” he hummed, fingers clacking away at the keys. “It looks like we have to do a presentation on the various formulas and other main concepts that go into this unit. I can make the slides and share them with you?”

Sapnap grunted in response, to which Karl took that as a yes. He made the presentation, sharing it with Sapnap’s email after collecting it from their Google Classroom. Sapnap didn’t expect to have to log on and try to do actual work today, but here he was, fingers on the keys, Karl’s bubble surrounded in pink at the top of the window. 

“If you want, you can do decorations. I can start on the actual content,” Karl offered, seemingly understanding Sapnap’s reluctance. 

That felt wrong.

Letting Karl do all the work? Sapnap couldn’t let that happen.

“No,” he spoke up, opening a new tab so he could research himself. “I’ll help you.”

Karl glanced at him in surprise, eyes wide. He then flashed Sapnap a dazzling grin, one that could outshine the sun if he tried. “Really? That would be great!” He burst out, returning his attention to his screen.

Together, the two of them completed their project before the end of class. Sapnap was surprised after they had, creating a presentation that covered all of the facts and looked nice (courtesy of Karl’s knowledge)! They managed to turn in the finished product with time to spare, Mr. Taken seeming surprised with their work. He even came up to them himself to compliment them both.

“You know, you two work well together,” he observed, arms folded as he peered over Karl’s shoulder. “I’m surprised that Sapitus got involved this time. You bring out the best in him, Karl. Keep it up, you guys aced this!”

While Sapnap didn’t appreciate the targeted comment toward his performance, he understood where it was coming from. His professor was not wrong about him, he just didn’t like hearing the truth. Karl didn’t seem bothered, simply thanking their teacher.

“Sap, we did it!” He laughed, beginning to pack up his things. “We got a good grade and everything! Man, this will start my grade off well!”

“Yeah,” Sapnap said awkwardly, looking at his feet. “It’ll probably bring mine up too.”

That’s right, it would bring it up! He had finally managed to do something satisfactory, less than a failing grade. He hadn’t done it completely himself, of course, but he had contributed nonetheless, and he and Karl had something decent to show for it. 

Perhaps hanging around Karl for a bit longer wouldn’t be so bad after all.

That was why Sapnap took it upon himself to reach for Karl’s pad of sticky notes, unexpecting the other boy to have done the same. His hand landed over a slightly bigger one, though the fingers were much skinnier. Sapnap gazed at Karl’s eyes and then down at their hands, quickly pulling his back with a light blush.

“What’s up?” Karl offered, though his cheeks were a similar shade of pink. “You need to borrow one of these?”

Sapnap nodded, reaching for Karl’s pen. He grabbed the ink and pulled the pad closer to him, choosing an orange piece of paper to write the following.

Text me, followed by his number.

Karl was confused when Sapnap didn’t take the note with him, but immediately brightened when he realized what he had just received. Sapnap couldn’t help but smile at his face, loving the way Karl looked when happy. He was a beacon of light, one that the raven could always find his way back to. He couldn’t believe that he was the one to make the pretty boy smile, relishing for a moment in that thought.

However, that only helped to remind him that Karl was prettier than he could ever be. It was clear in the way that he spoke, the way that he acted, the colorful clothes and cute accessories he would carry around with him. Dwelling on those thoughts only caused Sapnap to panic, grabbing his things as quickly as he could and heading out the door.

He didn’t want to be in front of Karl when he eventually texted. 

He didn’t want to be in front of Karl at all.

Karl made him nervous

Karl made him lose his breath.

Karl made him feel like he was on cloud nine.

What was Karl doing to him?

Sapnap again rushed back to his dorm, reaching for the familiar red pen he used to X out the days on his calendar. He dragged those two diagonal lines through the most recent box, burying his face in the pillow.

Three down, four to go.

Four

The class was canceled that day. 

Professor Taken was spending the day with his sick boyfriend, a short but lively brunet that taught Calculus a few blocks down. He was sick with strep and Professor Taken didn’t want anything happening to him, so he had taken the day off.

Sapnap couldn’t help but wish he had someone to do that for.

He supposed it would be another day of doing nothing, lying around in bed until he was eventually lulled into sleep once more. He went on his phone a bit, scrolling through socials he’d abandoned ages ago, making mental notes of how everyone else’s lives seemed much better than his. 

Maybe he would take a shower today.

Maybe he could bring himself to do that.

He was about to consider it more seriously when a loud ‘ding’ from his phone caught him off-guard, the sound of a text he had not been expecting. 

‘Hey, it’s Karl! This is Sapnap, right?’

Sapnap smiled, cheeks heating up when he realized the stranger’s identity. He quickly renamed the contact and typed a response, hoping he didn’t sound too pitiful.

‘Yeah, it’s Sapnap! Hi!’

‘Hi!’ Karl responded. ‘We don’t have class today and I’m bored! :T’

‘Me too,’ Sapnap typed back. ‘There’s nothing to do.’

‘I’m assuming you’re free? Sounds like you don’t have much else going on,’ Karl asked, Sapnap hesitating to answer.

He was free, but did he want to tell Karl that? The other boy must be getting at something, with those cute dimples and floppy hair of his…

‘I’m free,’ he managed to say, his heart beating faster in his chest. Sapnap could hear it in the quiet room, the tempo ringing in his ears. It didn’t seem that he could make it stop.

‘Cool! Let’s talk! :]’ 

‘I have to shower.’

Sapnap hated finding an excuse to not talk with Karl, but the boy was honestly driving him crazy. He didn’t know what he felt when he was around him, unsure if it was a good or bad thing. Yes, it felt good at the moment, but so did drugs. Drugs were harmful in the end.

Sapnap didn’t want Karl to be his drug. He wanted Karl to be real happiness, not the numbing kind. As of now, he wasn’t sure which kind he was.

‘Oh. Okay, then shower! How long have you gone without?’

Sapnapn didn’t want to answer that question. It had been way too long since he had the motivation to shower, so he could only assume it had at least been a week. He didn’t want to lie to Karl, but he didn’t want the other to be disgusted with him either. What was he going to do?

Sadly, Sapnap’s parents had raised him right. He was highly against lying, having always been taught that it would result in an ending punishment, so he decided to be honest with the only friend he had.

‘A week, maybe two.’

Sapnap couldn’t even bring himself to look at Karl’s response, throwing the phone down on the mattress. How could he be so disgusting? How could Karl stand to be around him when he smelt like a dumpster? How could he be so dumb as to push away the only person he currently had talking to him?

The phone buzzed. Karl had seen it.

Sapnap reluctantly reached over, bringing his phone above his face to see the notification.

‘You okay? You shouldn’t go that long. Go shower! Keep yourself healthy!’

Sapnap had to admit, he was relieved with Karl’s answer. It was probably one of the best ways he could respond, knowing that the raven smelled bad and this was the reason. Karl’s positivity and acceptance even motivated Sapnap to shower more, a smile gracing chapped lips. ‘Yeah, gonna shower now. Talk to you in a bit,’ he replied, putting his phone up to charge as he went into his bathroom.

The warm water was refreshing against his back, cascading down his hair and washing off all the accumulated grease. Sapnap had forgotten how good it felt to shower, being surrounded with nothing but his own breathing. He even brought himself to hum a bit, some tunes that he listened to when he was in the mood. As he reached for his shampoo, he began to think.

What would Karl look like in the shower? How pretty would he be?

Would he have smooth skin as Sapnap envisioned? Would it be spotless or decorated with various freckles and moles? Did he have scars, tattoos, bruises? Did he admire himself as he deserved to be admired? 

Sapnap would admire Karl if he were here. He would stare at him for eons, eyes never leaving his perfect form. They would rove over his hair, his eyes, his jaw, and continue their path down. He would memorize every inch of his skin, every imperfection, every curve and dip that was left to the imagination. He would worship him because it’s Karl , the prettiest boy he’d ever laid his eyes on. 

He felt his little friend begin to perk up, reaching over in a panic to turn the water cold. 

Sapnap flinched but watched as his almost-erection went down. He sighed at the relief, leaning against the wall. The shampoo in his hair was washed into his eyes, but he didn’t care.

Karl was driving him insane, even when he wasn’t around. 

Sapnap would even go as far as saying that he had a crush on him.

But how could he love Karl when he couldn’t even love himself?

The rest of his shower passed by quickly, the raven running soap along his body before turning the water off. He stayed in the smaller box for a bit, resting his forehead against the wall. He felt something wet continue to slide down his cheeks, catching on the edge of his jaw before ultimately falling on the ground.

He was crying.

Why was he crying?

Why did Karl make him cry?

Despite his confusion, Sapnap couldn’t stop. He allowed himself to let go, to feel something other than the nothingness that had surrounded him for the longest time. His nails dug into the cement between the tiles, scraping at the solidness of the surface. He waited until he could bring himself to move, the tears having died down.

Sapnap never cried loudly, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t ugly. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, cheeks puffy and red, bags under his eyes enunciated, snot beginning to slide down his skin on a path toward his lips.

He looked a mess. How could Karl want to be around this? 

Sapnap forced himself to get dressed, heading over to his bed again. He wasn’t in the mood to check any last texts from Karl, wiping his nose with the sleeve of that same sweaty hoodie he hadn’t washed in months. He didn’t care if it would make him smell bad again, burying his face into the plush of his pillow.

He couldn’t take any more, not today. He couldn’t take any more stress. He couldn’t take being led on, thinking that he could actually find something nice in this world.

It just wasn’t cut out for him. The day was done. He was one step closer to ending it all.

Four down, three to go.

Five

His class was still canceled, but Professor Taken had posted an assignment for his students to do online. Sapnap could barely bring himself to open his eyes; he didn’t think he would be able to reach for his laptop and log on to do some sort of busywork. His teacher was not a bad person and certainly not bad at his job, Sapnap was simply a bad student.

So Sapnap laid in bed, blanket over his body, alive but lifeless. He was doomed to repeat his cycle until the last day, until he finally had the courage to end it all. He could barely drag himself out of bed, but he knew he would have the drive to then.

He was already this close to stopping his heart.

His beating heart.

The one that raced even more when around Karl.

Karl.

Sapnap hadn’t even checked his messages after his shower last night. He didn’t want to face them. He didn’t know Karl that well, but Karl seemed to want to get to know him. He already assumed he would be bombarded with worried texts asking if he was okay and how his shower went.

He was going to ignore it again when his phone started to buzz.

A call.

Who was calling him?

Sapnap reluctantly picked up his phone. He was about to assume that it was spam until he saw the name of the caller. 

Karl.

The raven immediately shot up, blanket thrown askew. He gazed down at the screen in his hand, watching the little notification buzz with the “accept” or “deny” buttons. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t want to face Karl, not again, but he couldn’t just ignore a call! He never got calls, not unless they were from his parents! 

Despite Sapnap’s anxiousness, it appeared his body had already chosen for him, thumb tapping the green logo before raising the screen to his head to hear better. “Hello?”

“Sappy!” Karl proclaimed, the abruptly loud sound causing the raven to jump. “You didn’t reply to any of my texts. Are you okay?”

“Ugh,” Sapnap grumbled, brushing those annoying raven curls out of his face. “I’m fine, I just passed out. What’s up?”

“Glad you’re okay!” Karl chirped, voice as bubbly as ever. “I don’t really want to do the assignment online, and I don’t know if you checked, but it’s just supplemental work. It won’t be graded, just for review. I was thinking you and I could go somewhere, explore more of the campus!”

Explore campus? With Karl? That sounded like both a daydream and a nightmare. “Got anywhere in mind?” Sapnap yawned, debating whether or not he should change into good-smelling clothes. 

“There is a roller skating rink nearby! I’ve never been, but I heard it’s good! We can go try that out!”

“Roller skating?” Sapnap repeated, blinking a few times. “Karl, I’m not sure. I can’t roller skate.”

“Not with that attitude, Nimrod!” Karl challenged, and Sapnap knew his eyes must be shining like they always did. “Come on, I’ll send you the address and meet you there in five! Sound good?”

“ Five ?” Sapnap paled, frantically looking for some clean pants. “Five minutes ?”

“Yeah? I’m five minutes away,” Karl explained. “That way you couldn’t say no.”

“I very much could—” Sapnap started, only to be interrupted.

“But you won’t. Come on, it’ll be fun! I’ll wait for you; don’t take too long! Byeeee!”

Sapnap tried to get another word in, but before he could, the phone had already gone dead. He let out a frustrated sigh, throwing his comfy hoodie and sweats off in favor of some slightly matted jeans and a white shirt with a fire symbol. He checked his most recent phone notification when he heard it buzz, seeing the address to the location.

To roller skating he went. 

It turned out that Karl sucked at roller skating just as much as Sapnap did. He had already fallen twice on his ass, Sapnap laughing at him each time. He had brought a smaller backpack this time — still adorned with cute pins and charms — nails painted different shades of purple. Sapnap thought he looked beautiful, but he would never say it.

“It’s not fair! What am I doing wrong?” Karl whined, hands gripping over the edge of the wall to pull himself up. “I thought skating would be easy!”

“Guess you were wrong,” Sapnap exulted, arms folded. “On the bright side, I suck too, so there’s that.”

“You have better balance than me,” Karl grimaced, wiping off some dust from the fabric of his pants. “I take two strides and fall, you take sixteen and fall. You’re better.”

Sapnap smirked, a sudden burst of confidence running through him. “Oh yeah? Guess I’m getting into the roller skating Olympics and you’re not!”

Karl pushed off of the wall, trying to make his way over to him. “Hey, don’t push your luck! You’re still really b— AH!” 

The brunet had managed to stumble again, arms flailing forward in an attempt to catch himself. Sapnap was quicker, however, immediately hooking his hands under the other boy’s armpits to hoist him back up. It was instinct, a move that worked for about two seconds, then ultimately sent the both of them back and onto the floor.

Karl omitted a punched-out “oof!” at the collision, body landing on top of Sapnap’s. The raven’s arms wrapped around him, keeping him close. “You okay?” He asked quietly, unaware of their positioning until Karl lifted his head.

Needless to say, it was awkward, but Sapnap didn’t expect it to be this awkward. Karl’s belly was pressed against his crotch, head positioned above his chest, hips digging into the raven’s thighs that were beginning to numb. It wasn’t one of the romance movie sort of falls, certainly not the type in which Sapnap was pinned under Karl, but it was somehow just as endearing. Even with the pins and needles pricking up Sapnap’s skin, the uncomfortable feeling of excess weight against his dick, and the way the breath had been knocked out of him, he was happy. 

Karl and Sapnap stared at each other, grey eyes meeting green, neither of them looking away. They couldn’t look away. This felt right.

It was then that Karl started leaning in, head tilted just slightly to the right. Sapnap’s eyes widened, seeing in slow motion. Karl was about to kiss him. His lips were slightly puckered, eyes fluttered closed, alluringly long eyelashes resting like a pillow against rosy cheeks—

Until two hands stopped him, gently pushing the other boy off. 

Karl’s eyes shot open at the change in position, looking at where he was versus where Sapnap had gone. The raven was still on the ground, sitting next to Karl instead of being under him. He was pushing himself up, heading toward the wall as best he could.

“Sapnap?” Karl called, managing to stand as well. “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

Sapnap feverishly shook his head, wobbling out of the skating rink and over to the bench with their stuff. He sat down on the edge, working as quickly as he could to get the rented shoes off. He couldn’t take this, he had to get home.

“Sap,” Karl said again, having reached the wall. His fingers were clinging to the edges, body leaned slightly over the top, regretful eyes piercing through Sapnap’s soul. “I’m sorry.”

Sapnap wasn’t focused on him, slipping his beaten-up Vans over his feet. He stood up and grabbed the skates, turning to hand them back to the front desk. He didn’t even bother to give Karl a second glance, only wanting to leave as soon as possible.

He headed home as quickly as he could, bursting through the door the moment he had his door unlocked. He didn’t bother making it to his bed, collapsing on his knees with the door still ajar. He brought his hands to his face, pressing his tears into his palms. He attempted to hide them even though it was futile. What was wrong with him? He just ran away, ran away from the literal dream boy, the one who had tried to kiss him! Him, Karl wanted him! This had to be some sort of sick joke!

Sapnap was so devastated that he ended up crying himself to sleep, only being awoken when he felt two strong arms around his waist, helping him to stand. His roommate, the man whose name he didn’t even know, was helping him to his bed. He allowed himself to walk with him, toppling onto his bed as soon as it was in front of him.

He was just grateful the day was over. He wouldn’t have to deal with this for much longer.

Five down, two to go.

Six

To Sapnap’s surprise, he awoke the next day to breakfast in bed. A tray was laid out on his nightstand with bacon and eggs, a bottle of water nearby to wash it all down. He was confused by this, knowing that he had done nothing but be rude to his roommate since he had arrived. Why was he being nice with breakfast?

Speaking of the devil, the man walked into his room, eyebrows shooting up to be hidden behind a blue beanie. “Oh! You’re awake,” he greeted, inviting himself over to sit on the edge of the bed. “Made you breakfast. You looked like you needed it.”

Sapnap gazed at the other suspiciously, still skeptical, then pulled the tray onto his lap and picked up the fork to eat. Silence was shared between the two men, Sapnap taking small bites of his food before eventually scraping the majority to the edge. 

“I can’t eat any more.”

“You can.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Try.”

Sapnap groaned, stabbing another piece of the scrambled eggs. He brought it to his lips, managing to scarf down another bite. His roommate watched until all the eggs were gone, two scraps of bacon still left on the plate. Sapnap set his fork down, hoping that would be enough for him.

“You can take a break for now,” the other started, “ if you tell me what’s been up with you.”

Of course, there was always a catch. While Sapnap was reluctant to spill his feelings to a boy he barely even knew, he supposed it all wouldn’t matter after tomorrow night. He took a deep breath, playing with his fingers before speaking. 

“Romance troubles. Blew off a dude that tried to kiss me. Didn’t go well.”

The boy in the beanie nodded, hands in his lap. 

“He’s really cute. I want him to like me, but I dunno if I’m his type. It could have been just a spur-of-the-moment thing.”

“Okay,” his roommate said softly, urging him to carry on. 

“And,” Sapnap began, finding it comforting to get these things off his chest, “I have personal problems. Can’t do anything right, don’t have many friends, you know how it is. I could never be good enough for him. I can’t be good enough for him if I can’t be good enough for myself.”

His roommate listened to it all, staying silent until Sapnap was finished. He told him about his parents, his grades, the way the school was monitoring him, the cuts, everything. Sapnap talked about what he thought of them and what he thought of himself, only leaving out the planned suicide the next day. Other than that, he had spilled everything to a stranger, a man he had never had the pleasure of talking to. Nonetheless, his roommate listened to it all, face calm, not judging. When tears started slipping down Sapnap’s cheeks again, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, bringing him out of his negative thoughts. 

“My name is Quackity,” he began, “weird, I know, but just go with it. I’ve been through similar drama in the past, but I’m over it now. I went through all the things that’s happening to you now. It gets better.”

“It hasn’t,” Sapnap snapped, teeth bared. “I’ve been thinking like this for years, Quackity, for years! I’ve been through therapy and tests and discussed other forms of help with my parents, but nothing works! The one person that I managed to have some sort of relationship with now thinks that I hate him! I have nothing, no one, and I can’t do this, goddamnit!”

Quackity simply opened his arms, making grabby hands to motion Sapnap into a hug. The raven surprised himself, casting the tray aside in favor of hugging his roommate. He pressed his face into the crook of his neck, sobbing his worries into it. Quackity rubbed his back and whispered soothing words into his ear, ones that Sapnap couldn’t process but definitely appreciated. Why did Quackity happen to be so nice?

The two of them hugged until Sapnap had eventually calmed down, pulling back from the man with the hat. He reached up and wiped at his eyes, hating how Quackity was now seeing how ugly he looked when he cried. That didn’t seem to be what Quackity was focusing on, however, instead worried about Sapnap’s health.

“Here’s what I suggest you do,” he started, voice even. “Make up with the boy who likes you. Admit that you like him back. See where the wind takes you and reconcile. Take things slow, alright? Rushing into anything is not a good idea when you obviously still need mental support.”

Sapnap furrowed his brow, pulling the blanket over his body. “But… but he can’t like me! I’m weird and disgusting and pathetic and—”

“ Sapnap,” Quackity breathed, hand resting on his thigh, “he likes you. Just trust me, okay? When someone likes you, they like every part of you, including your flaws. You can work through them together, yeah? And if he isn’t there for you, I am. Just don’t push me away this time.”

Sapnap chuckled, nodding in response. He smiled at Quackity, realizing how kind and caring the other really was. It made him regret being so rude to him the first time they had met, either lashing out for no reason or flat-out ignoring him. Quackity had eventually given up on being friends, but he would give the other man another chance now. The two of them shared another hug, Sapnap pressing his face into Quackity’s chest.

“I can’t do it today,” he whispered, voice soft. “I can’t face him now.”

“Tomorrow,” Quackity encouraged, “you’ll do it tomorrow. You’re right, now might not be the best time. We can spend the rest of the day together, you and I; let’s get to know each other! We can make cookies or put on a movie or something, whatever you want!”

Sapnap was grateful for Quackity’s kindness, feeling motivated once more to get out of bed. “O-okay, yeah, sure. I’d be willing to get to know you.”

“That’s the spirit!” Quackity grinned, pushing himself up from the bed. “You finish your bacon and I’ll think up some activities we can do. I’ll meet you in the living room when you’re done.”

Sapnap said nothing, waving silently as he watched Quackity go.

The other man was right, he did have to tell Karl tomorrow.

He had to tell Karl before he never got the chance to.

He assumed the rest of the day would be fine, hanging around his roommate, but he would have to figure out what to do when it was over. Sighing, he reached for his phone, shooting a quick text to the dreaded boy.

‘I’ll be at Badlands Cafe around noon tomorrow. We need to talk. Meet me there if you’d like to talk.’

Six down, one to go.

Seven

Sapnap sat alone at a booth, tapping his foot anxiously on the ground. The area just so happened to be the same seat in which he had talked to Karl first, though he hadn’t meant to specifically choose it. It had just felt familiar, so there he sat, the same strawberry cake pop in hand. He had even come prepared, a slice of cheesecake set across from him. He really hoped Karl would come.

He had been waiting for about thirty minutes, still no sign of him. He was beginning to lose hope, about to go home and do what he had planned all week, when the bell on the door jingled and someone familiar walked in.

Karl Jacobs, complete with his shiny rings and adorable backpack charms. He looked around the nearly empty establishment, eyes eventually meeting Sapnap’s. They stared at each other awkwardly, unsure of what to do, until Sapnap gestured toward the other seat and Karl made his way over.

After the other boy had made his way into the booth, Sapnap reached for the item he had been carrying around in his pocket.

A small pad of sticky notes, lavender in color. 

Karl cast him a sideways glance, reaching behind his ear for his pen. He set it down on the table, saying nothing. Neither of them needed to speak; they had their own way of talking.

Sapnap reached for the pen, uncapping it to scribble the first message down. 

I like you.

He slid the pad back to Karl, watching as the brunet’s eyebrows raised. 

Me too.

The raven bit his lip, unsure of how to respond.

I don’t know how to show it.

You don’t know how to show anything.

I’m sorry.

Don’t be.

How was Sapnap supposed to respond to Karl’s recent message? He tapped his fingers nervously on the surface of the table, chewing on his bottom lip. He and Karl met eyes, serious as ever, then Karl took it upon himself to steal the paper back and write something else.

Thanks for the cheesecake.

I told you I’d pay you back.

You didn’t have to.

I know.

Then Karl smiled, a real smile, one that only Sapnap had the pleasure of seeing. It wasn’t much, certainly not anything different than before, except now he could see the love Karl possessed through it. 

Karl had so much love to give.

So, Karl started with his new note, brow furrowed as he pondered how to phrase his next statement. What now?

Sapnap paled, looking anywhere but Karl. He began to panic, knowing full well that he couldn’t try a relationship. He would be dead in less than a day! How could he tell Karl that? How could he tell him that it wasn’t going to work? They obviously liked each other, they both knew that now, so what was stopping them from being together?

Why was Sapnap stopping them?

“Sap?” Karl asked, the first word he had said through the whole date. “Are you alright?”

Sapnap could lie. He could say that everything was fine, that he wasn’t ready, that he was moving to Mars and would never see Karl again because he would be living with aliens—

But this was Karl, the boy he could never lie to, the one who had been there for him when nobody else was, the one that helped him when he didn’t even know that he was. He couldn’t lie to him.

“No,” he admitted. “I’m not okay.”

Karl’s eyes softened, moving his hand forward to rest over Sapnap’s. Sapnap flinched at the contact, Karl pulling away in response. He looked hurt. Oh God, Karl looked hurt. Karl was hurt and Sapnap was scared and he was fading in and out, in and out, in and out—

“Sapnap!” Karl gasped, seizing his wrist. “What are these ?”

Sapnap should not have worn a looser hoodie today. The sleeve had slid down his skin, exposing the various cuts and scars. Karl could see both new and old ones, marks that would never fade, ugly lines to represent how ugly he was as a person. Sapnap sniffled when Karl gazed at them, gently running his fingers over the bumps. He pushed his sleeve down more, appalled at the sight. His eyes eventually met Sapnap’s once more, wide with worry, and that’s when the waterworks started.

Sapnap couldn’t stop, tears slipping down his cheeks, lower lip trembling, gazing at Karl with such shame that the other wasn’t sure if he had ever seen it before. Karl said nothing, glancing between Sapnap’s arm and eyes, touches feather-light. 

“I’m sorry,” Sapnap apologized, to which Karl said nothing.

He refused to comfort him.

He didn’t deserve comforting.

It was not okay.

Whenever Sapnap had gone to previous therapists and family members about his cutting, they had always played it off and said anything to try and comfort him. They had reassured him that it was fine, that he would stop next time, that he was getting the help he needed, but in doing so accidentally promoted the idea of Sapnap hurting himself.

Karl said nothing, and somehow that hurt more.

“You need help,” he decided, letting go of his hand. “ Real help. My Mom’s a psychologist, she could probably get involved, a-and my Dad’s a doctor! I can— I can save you, Sapnap, please, why ?”

“Because,” Sapnap trembled, hanging his head, “I’m not good enough. I’m never good enough for anyone. I’ll never be good enough for my family, for school, for you, for anyone! You deserve so much better, Karl, better than I could ever be.”

“I don’t want better! I want you !” Karl insisted, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “I want you, Sap, but I can’t have you like this. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I’m willing to help you, be a friend until you’re mentally stable, but we can’t love until then.”

Karl was right, he was always right. Sapnap couldn’t ever say no to him. He had such a big heart, dazzling looks, an amazing personality… everything Sapnap didn’t. To some extent, Sapnap envied him, and he hated himself for doing so.

“Yeah,” he rasped, voice dry. “That makes sense.”

“Please,” Karl whispered, “stay with me. Don’t do this to yourself. You have a whole life ahead of you, a life with me, and I know you don’t get it now, but soon you will. I’ll help you, okay? I’ll help you want to live with yourself.”

“Okay,” Sapnap surrendered, leaning into the hand that had slid up to his cheek. “Okay.”

Karl offered him a sad smile, though a myriad of promises were held behind straight teeth. 

Despite Sapnap hating being alive, a part of him wanted to keep doing so, and that was enough for him.

He pressed a kiss to Karl’s palm, one that resulted in the boy blushing. He smiled at the result, letting his eyes flutter closed.

Seven down, infinity to go.