Chapter Text
April 29, 2017
Chun-chun, chun-chun
Chun-chun, chun-chun
The subway rattled ever onward. The train cars and rails continued to bump and grind with a clockwork constance. So even was the dull chun-chun, chun-chun of metal on metal, that some of the sleepier passengers were lulled into a light, dreamless sleep. But not Sae.
Her eyes were wide open, staring out the window of the train car. They drank in the view of the glowing city, along with faded reflections of themselves, rusted red and very, very awake.
She had been lucky enough to find a seat, but the train was packed. It was Shōwa Day. The first day of Golden Week, or more accurately the first night. This meant that she, and everyone else in Japan, had a week off. This included Makoto, who was now a freshman in college, but she wouldn’t be returning home until tomorrow. As such, Sae had the whole day to herself. She missed her baby sister dearly. She hadn’t known that empty nest syndrome could happen to sisters just as well as parents. But still, an entire day just to herself, just for her to enjoy. Her head almost spun at such a foreign prospect.
At her old SIU job, that would have been unheard of. Those stuffy, ineffectual idiots had always been more than happy to saddle Sae with their work, and she had been more than willing to take it on. Her reflection frowned at her as she remembered.
To have called Sae a workaholic would have been inaccurate, because that would have implied that she’d enjoyed her work at the SIU, which she most certainly did not. But she’d kept doing it anyway, hellbent on proving...something. To the world, or to herself maybe. Or something like that. It had all just been mental gymnastics in the end. At the time, she would have said she was fine with it, but that was just one of the lies she had told herself during those hellish years, in a vain effort to convince herself that she hadn’t been miserable. She had told herself a lot of lies then. Lies like “Your father would be proud of you.” Lies like “You’re a good guardian to Makoto.” She broke eye contact with herself at that point, unable to face the woman who hurt her little sister.
She looked at her knees, wishing in vain that things could have been different. But it was the past. It happened. There was no choice but to accept it.
She put on a determined face, and looked back at her reflection.
Except it wasn’t her reflection.
Except it was. Her reflection smiled back at her. But Sae was not smiling. And Sae was not wearing any sort of eyeliner or lipstick. And Sae definitely didn’t have tattoos on her shoulders.
The ambient noise around her seemed to go mute as this...thing looked at her. From under its wide-brimmed black hat, two hungry yellow eyes appeared. It ran those eyes up and down Sae’s body, like the pigs at the SIU used to do when they thought she wasn’t looking.
Her eyes went wide. The reflection’s did not. Her lips froze shut. The reflection gave her a cruel, toothy smile. The kind of smile that relished in suffering, her suffering. She knew, she just knew, that this thing wanted her to suffer, like she had these last three years. She felt a sense of loneliness creeping up her spine. Logically, she knew that she was in a train car full of people, but she suddenly didn’t feel like she was among them. The reflection brought up a black gloved hand, just barely visible against the night sky outside. It cocked its still-smiling face to the side and waved its hand at her, as if to ask, remember me?
And she did. Somehow, she did remember this thing. The hate behind those yellow eyes seemed so familiar. The misery they promised her felt...comforting, somehow.
She felt dizzy. She heard her heartbeat pounding in her ears. She tore her eyes away and looked down to the feet of the other passengers, still feeling that thing’s gaze on the back of her head. She tried to tune out the sound of her panicked pulse and listen for something, anything to distract her from...whatever the hell that was.
She shut her eyes quickly. She searched the muted soundscape, desperately trying to ignore the eyes that she could still see when hers were closed. Surely there had to be something that sounded normal, and anchor point to pull herself back to the real world. After a long, long moment, her ears found the dull chun-chun, chun-chun of the train tracks, echoing off the tunnel walls as the train dipped underground. She took a deep breath, then released it.
She opened her eyes, and glanced back at the subway window. Her own eyes looked back at her. They were red, like the bricks outside. The pupils were wide, and they looked much more scared than she wanted to admit. She blinked. The reflection did too. She put her hand on the glass. The reflection followed suit. Her sigh of relief was swallowed by the noise around her.
On instinct, Sae rifled through her bag, pulling out her phone. She unlocked it, and opened the photos app. Some time after the New Year, she had made a special album on her phone, one that she looked at during times like this.
In recent months, the raging fire of Sae’s bitterness had been replaced by a cool, smoldering self-loathing. Especially now, with her sister gone off to college, Sae spent most of her unoccupied time feeling disgusted with herself. She’d considered seeing a therapist, but, if she was being honest, she was too stubborn, and too scared to admit these feelings out loud just yet. As such, a workaround had to be made. This particular workaround took the form of a photo album on her phone, filled with what few pictures she had of Makoto. She opened the album and began to peruse its contents.
A photo of Makoto and Ren eating together in her apartment. Sae remembered how cheeky she felt sneaking the photo. Ren, of course, had noticed her intentions, as evidenced by his looking right into the camera. And Ren, of course, had elected not tell Makoto what he saw until afterward, leading to a candid shot of her with an inelegant mouthful of food. Sae smirked at how flustered Makoto was after she had shown Ren the photo. Just wait till I show him your baby pictures, Sae mused, before looking at another image.
A photo of Makoto making coffee for her friends at LeBlanc. Over the summer of last year, Ren had given Makoto a few coffee-making lessons. And there he was behind the counter, and behind her. He hadn’t seen this picture coming, so Sae knew the pride on his face was genuine. The other Thieves had excited looks on their faces, while Makoto had one of focus. It was such a Makoto thing to do, Sae thought, to give 110% to a single pot of coffee. She remembered the taste, and smiled. The former Thieves had been right to be excited. You always were the better cook, she thought, moving to the next picture.
A selfie of both Niijima sisters, smiling in front of a sign that said “University of Tokyo.” Sae had to fight back pinpricks in her eyes. She took this picture the day that she dropped her baby sister off for college. Makoto gave a big, toothy smile with her eyes closed. She looked so happy. So proud. And Sae did too. The photograph did not show Sae a few hours later, a crying mess at home while she texted Makoto to make sure she was doing okay. I hope you’re doing okay now, too, she whispered, unsure whether or not she had said it out loud. She swiped to the next one before the tears could invade her eyes again.
A photo of Makoto’s face. She was looking at the TV playing a yakuza movie offscreen, the photo’s only light source. Her face was one of pure, refined, unyielding concentration. She giggled out loud at the memory. Through a serendipitous mix up, Makoto had accidentally drank about two and a half shots of Sae’s brandy that night. This picture was the result. And she had been to the Metaverse that day, too. The poor thing had been so tipsy and tired, she hadn’t even noticed Sae taking the picture. Sae felt refreshed as she reminisced. There was no negative thought that couldn’t be banished by the sight of a drunken Makoto. Come to think of it, she hadn’t actually shown her sister that picture yet. Maybe on your 20th birthday, she mused with a smile. After you’ve had your first real drink.
Sae locked her phone and put it back in her bag, feeling much better. She had taken that picture of Makoto on a whim. But since then, her foray into photography had been very helpful to her. After the events of last year, she knew that one thing she desperately needed was a life outside of work. She texted regularly with Makoto, and called occasionally, but Sae didn’t really have anyone she would call a “friend” in her life. The former Phantom Thieves were about the closest she had, and they were all teenagers with their own lives. So barring that, she took up photography.
Even the word, photography, was a stretch. It wasn’t like she had any equipment or training. She just pointed her phone at things that caught her eye and took pictures. Still, the simple act of keeping an eye out for photo ops helped Sae be much more present in her own life. It could break the mental barrier she had between her apartment and the outside world. She had a reason to go out when she needed one. She had something to actually do, rather than just sitting at home and hating herself all day long. She could exist in the moment, in the real world. That presence was a feeling she wasn’t used to, but she welcomed it. Photography was broadening her horizons, even if it was only a little bit.
Shreeeeeeeee
She was taken out of her thoughts by the sound of the subway’s brakes, screeching as it pulled into the station. This was her stop. Sae turned back to the window, wondering if she should take a picture of the mostly empty station before she disembarked. She decided against it, knowing that her reflection would ruin the shot.
Boooop
Please stand clear, the doors are-
The mechanized voice faded into the background as Sae made her way to exit the underground station. The moment she emerged onto street level, her ears were assaulted by a massive, bustling crowd. The sound hit her like a wall, and she actually flinched a bit as noise poured into her head from every direction. She felt a bit silly for not having expected it. It’s the first night of Golden Week, she thought. Obviously, there were going to be a lot of people. Still, Sae was an introvert by nature. An overly dramatic defendant in court was about the loudest her days would get. This din of human noise was completely foreign to her. The kind of noise she could feel just as well as hear.
Without thinking, she took a step forward, and the crowd subsumed her. In an instant, she could feel the heat, the life that surrounded her. It was a shifting, moving, breathing organism. She could feel it pulsing around her as people flowed in and out of it like blood cells. The crowd didn’t move, but the people never stopped moving, as the mass of humanity kept turning upside down, inside out, creating human fractals as it folded infinitely into itself. This would definitely take some getting used to.
Her eyes found a vein of people that looked to be headed in the same direction she was, and her feet to moved to join it. She smiled a bit as she walked. As uncomfortable as she was with large crowds, she enjoyed being a part of something so unmistakably alive. She looked around as she walked, wondering where the mass of people began, and where it ended.
As she kept walking, she couldn’t help but notice a familiar clack clack clack coming from the woman walking next to her. She looked to the stranger’s feet and saw the culprits. Ouch, Sae winced. She did not envy the poor woman at all. She smiled in appreciation for one of the more unexpected perks of her new, much healthier work schedule.
Sae’s new schedule gave her a great deal more free time. And more free time meant that she could actually buy and use street clothes. And street clothes meant street shoes. And street shoes meant a much welcome reprieve from the damned high heels she wore. She smiled at their absence. She’d always hated those loud, uncomfortable things. She’d read somewhere that small but constant stressors eventually cause more stress over time than huge, life-altering events. And judging by the relief she felt now in both her ears and her ankles, those accursed stilettos must have been coming close to turning her hair gray. Well, grayer.
She was taken out of her thoughts by a familiar smell. She decided to follow her nose, and was led to a smaller side street, illuminated by pink neon signs. The smell had come from a quant little street vending station. The stall was staffed by an older gentleman, surrounded my vats of hot fry oil, and pieces of seasoned pork. She inhaled deeply through her nose. God, that smelled so good. Savory, with just the slightest amount of sweet, and enough spice to give it a refreshing kick. She had arrived just in time to see him dunk another batch of soon-to-be karaage into the fryer. The crackling krsssshhhhhhhhh of the oil brought forth another wave of deliciousness, this time strong enough for her to remember the last time she smelled it.
She was 19, Makoto was 12, and their father was still alive. He had taken the girls out to celebrate Golden Week. It was one of the few times he was able to get off work and spend time with his daughters, and he intended to make the most of it. However, it seemed that the city of Tokyo had other ideas. He’d had to leave their side twice now to break up a couple of fights between pedestrians before someone got hurt, in addition to maneuvering his girls around some particularly inebriated men stumbling their way through the streets. Sae had actually found it quite funny, in a darkly ironic way. The universe seemed determined not to let thier poor dad catch a break.
But as their father broke up yet another fight, that train of thought was derailed as she felt Makoto cling to her side. Sae looked down and saw a scared look on her baby sister’s face. Makoto hadn’t really come out of her shell the way most other kids her age already had, and she already wasn’t a fan of big crowds. Add to that a litany of screaming, swearing people that her dad had to leave her side to address, and the results couldn’t be good. Sae pulled her off to the side where foot traffic wasn’t so intense, and squatted down to try and meet her eye level. She gripped her big sister’s hand hard.
“What’s wrong, Makoto?” Sae asked gently.
“I-I’m sorry...” she answered weakly. “I- It’s just really loud is all...but I’m okay, I promise,” she said with a strained smile. The shake in her voice betrayed her fear.
Sae took her other hand. “It’s okay, Makoto, don’t worry. Dad and I are here, and we’re going to keep you safe. Nothing bad will happen to you, I’ll make sure of it.” Sae smiled gently at her.
She pulled her big sis into a hug. Sae almost lost her balance because of the awkward angle, but hugged her back all the same. She muttered “Thank you, Sis” into Sae’s shoulder. “Of course,” Sae replied.
As they released each other, their father returned to them. “Sorry about that,” he said. “What did I miss?”
Sae answered for them. “Makoto was just feeling a bit scared is all.” Sae gave her a gentle smile, and squeezed her had assuringly. “But she’s feeling better now, right?” She nodded enthusiastically.
He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a crackling krsssshhhhhhhhh coming from nearby. All three Niijimas turned to the sound, and spied a karaage vendor’s stall, enveloped in fresh, delicious steam. They all looked back at each other, the smell seemingly hitting all three of them at once.
Their father smiled and looked at Makoto, pointing with his thumb. “I bet some of that would help you feel better, wouldn’t it?”
Makoto smiled and nodded. There’s nothing a good meal can’t fix, their mother used to say.
Sae remembered that smile clearest of all. A bright but modest beam, with closed eyes. Makoto still smiled with her eyes closed to this day. Sae could never figure out why. She giggled out loud at the thought, the sound lost under the sizzle of frying pork.
Sensing forbidden happiness, something whispered its way into her mind. The smile immediately dropped off her face. It tempted her with fantasies of how her relationship with Makoto could have been if only she had stayed the caring older sister she had been in that moment. Then, the happy visions pulled away, and it slashed at her psyche with claws of guilt and regret. Her feet stopped moving. She brought her arms up to her shoulders. How did it suddenly get so cold?
She’ll never love you as much as she did then, it said in a seductive feminine voice. Because you don’t deserve it, and you know you never will.
Sae froze in place. She heard a laugh, cruel and sadistic, that seemed to come from every direction at once. The only thing she could think of was to focus on the sounds around her. It had worked on the subway. Maybe the city too could drown out the laugh that no one else seemed to hear. Over the noise of the crowd, she could just barely make out the bzzzzzzz of a neon sign. Her eyes glazed over as she tried to focus in the electric sound.
The street vendor must have noticed her staring. Before she could reach for her phone, he waved her over with a welcoming smile. She didn’t know why, but seeing this technically familiar face put her mind at ease somewhat. Perhaps seeing part of a happy memory in person had reassured her that the memory actually did happen. As she walked over, the vendor spoke over the noise in a jovial tone. “Would you like a taste? Only 550 yen for the best karaage in all of Tokyo!”
If memory serves, Sae mused. He’s probably right.
“Sure, I’ll take one,” she shouted over the crowd. Her voice sounded muted, as if it had come from someone else’s mouth. She pulled the requisite money from her purse as the smell seemed to push the...whatever it was out of her head. The vendor picked a piece of meat and wrapped it in some paper before handing it to her. She could feel the warmth in her fingers.
“Come again! And happy Golden Week!” He yelled. Sae nodded as she turned and left. Indeed, she likely would be coming again. I’ll bring Makoto here, she thought. I want to see if she remembers it too.
Finished with her diversion, the crowd swept her back into itself, unconsciously ushering her where she needed to go. She walked for a couple blocks, and then took a bite of her karaage. Her eyes went wide. Her brain took a moment to truly process how good it was. She blinked in amazement, and looked to the fresh bite mark in her food, as if to ask it how it could taste exactly like she remembered, and yet so, so much better than she remembered it.
She took another eager bite, relishing the flavor as it washed over her tongue again, for the second time in nearly five years. She could feel it’s warmth in her core. To have such a happy memory dancing across her tongue in present day was so strange and invigorating. She felt the heat of the shifting crowd. She heard the raucous voices of a thousand people speaking at once. She saw the neon lights of Tokyo reflecting off of her skin. She smelled what must have been dozens of different street foods swirling together into a salivating bouquet. And she tasted a joyous reminder that she was indeed capable of being happy. The moment etched itself into her synapses. She would have reached for her phone, but she knew that no photo could ever capture how truly alive she felt. That guy had been right. He really did make the best karaage in all of Tokyo.
Click. Click.
Click.
Click. Click. Click.
Sae’s phone clicked a few times, imitating a camera’s shutter. She took a couple more pictures, before she lowered it and drank in the landscape with her own eyes.
She stood on a bridge, overlooking the city alive with light. The bridge was nothing special. It didn’t go to or from anywhere particularly interesting, and there was hardly any foot traffic. Or regular traffic for that matter. She guessed that if it hadn’t been Golden Week, she would’ve probably been the only person there. But Sae was there. She needed to be.
Six nights ago, she had needed a distraction. The coals of self-hate were burning bright in her heart that particular evening, as she had known they would. Makoto had texted her that day, saying that she wouldn’t be able to come home the first day of Golden Week. She couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. This must have been how Makoto felt all those times that Sae had cancelled plans on her. She had sat in her empty apartment, alone. She too felt empty. The one person she needed was gone, and the only company she’d have were the empty white walls. Walls that should have been covered in photos and good memories. But she knew that there weren’t any good memories to put there.
To distract herself from the growing, painful pit in her stomach, she visited an online message board dedicated to photography. A user had made a post about how good the view was from this place. Having just gotten an unexpected free day, she made plans to come to the bridge. It was impulsive, she knew. She’d be alone, at night, in an unfamiliar place. But anything was better than the fluorescent lights glaring mercilessly off of those empty walls.
The user from the message board had definitely been right about the view. The starless sky was that perfect shade of dark-blue-but-not-quite-black. It reminded her of the ocean a bit, so clear and still. A gibbous moon stood silent at its center, balancing out the energy from the crowd earlier with its stillness. Beneath it, Tokyo was radiant with electric life. It glowed with futuristic shades of blue, pink, and yellow. The lights unfolded in front of her like a moving movie poster. It acted like an inverse sky, she thought, as she took in the twinkling yellow stars that climbed up the skyscrapers, watching pairs of little red comets leave tracers behind as they streaked through the streets.
She looked through the photos she took, pink and blue reflecting softly off of her eyes. Her thoughts turned to her father, though she didn’t quite know why. I really wish you were here, she said to him silently. I wish I could have showed this to you.
She closed her eyes. She breathed in, held it for a moment, and breathed out. She opened her eyes back up and smiled, almost surprised that the cityscape was still there. She began to walk along the bridge, wondering if she might find a better angle elsewhere along its length. The only noise accompanying her silent steps was the whissshhh of the gentle breeze.
Sae was grateful to be here. It wasn’t exactly glamorous, but she was grateful that she chose to come out and be here tonight. She afforded herself the smallest amount of satisfaction, knowing that for once, she made the right choice. Her mind wandered as she walked to the other things in her life she was grateful for.
Last month, she had gotten a job at a small law firm as a defense attorney, which afforded her much more free time, as well as much more respect. She had stuck around day after agonizing day at the SIU, waiting for Shido’s conviction to go through. If not for the leader of the Phantom Thieves turning himself in, it likely would have taken months, if not years longer, and for a much more lenient sentence at that. But it was over now. That bastard wasn’t ever going to see the outside of a prison again, she had made sure of that. She had watched him as he was booked as an inmate, and handed in her resignation the very next day. She hadn’t known it was even possible feel as fulfilled as she had when she walked out that door for the last time.
She had gotten her new job quite easily. Sae Niijima was a damn good lawyer, and everyone in the Tokyo legal scene knew it. She had known that many employers would have handed her the position before she even interviewed, but she had done her research. This particular firm was dedicated to helping victims of legal injustice. They specialized in cases of police brutality, forced confessions, workplace blackmail, and other such crimes. She had seen enough abuses perpetuated by those in positions of power. Hell, she had done some of those abuses. But that wasn’t justice. She knew that now. She had been given a second chance that she would spend the rest of her life earning. She had made a promise to the Phantom Thieves that she would help change the world for the better in their absence. She was grateful that she had the chance to keep it.
It was getting late, she could feel it as she walked the bridge. She wasn’t worried about getting home, not yet. She knew both the trains and the taxis ran late during festivals and holidays like this. Still, she checked the time on her phone, and smiled. In less than twelve hours, Makoto would be home. At least, she hoped Makoto still considered it home. Either way, this would be the first time she saw Makoto in person since she had started college. Granted, she hadn’t started college that long ago, but Sae missed her all the same. It was a shame that Ren hadn’t been able to make it back to Tokyo this week, but part of her was glad that she’d have Makoto all to herself. It was a childish thought, she knew, but she wanted to spend as much time with her little sister as possible. They had already missed enough moments. She needed to treasure the ones they still had left. Ren had shared more moments with Makoto in a year than Sae had in three. He could spare her a few.
She sighed. Oh, Ren. Oh, dear, sweet Ren. She remembered how nervous he had been when he first came over for dinner at her apartment. She had already met Ren, the Phantom Thief. She knew the story of Ren, the unassuming schoolboy. But that evening was the first time that she met Ren, her little sister’s boyfriend. He had been so, so nervous. He’d arrived as sharply dressed as she’d ever seen him. He’d answered all of her questions so precisely that she was certain Makoto had helped him rehearse beforehand. And from what she could tell, he had even made an attempt to tame the unruly black mess that lived on top of his head. He had tried so hard to impress her. He tried so hard to win Sae’s approval.
Yes, he had sought her approval.
As if he hadn’t thrown himself onto a legal sword for her. As if he hadn’t inspired her to find her justice again. As if she didn’t owe both her own and Makoto’s happiness to him. As if he hadn’t given her a second chance to be a sister. As if he hadn’t broken her out of the prison of work and bitterness she had locked herself away in. As if he hadn’t saved everything in her life that she had come so close to ruining.
Sae shook her head and smiled. Honestly, she felt a twinge of jealousy sometimes when she thought of him. She had known he was good enough for Makoto before he even walked in the door. The real question was whether Sae was good enough for her.
Abruptly, a dark feeling ripped her out of her thoughts. It was coming from behind her. In the silence, she could clearly hear the chhk chhk chhk of footsteps.