Chapter Text
When you experience a dream too many times, does it become a nightmare?
Ranboo wished to know the answer. This dream was so common nowadays he was starting to get scared of it. He hoped it wasn’t. He told himself it was just another random dream. But deep down, he knew it wasn’t. It was the very same dream that had been haunting his mind since the accident.
He was standing in a field of flowers, the sun was shining above his head. He remembered that memory fondly. It was the first day he and Tubbo decided to take their son Michael out of their house for the first time. This was a spot known only to them, where they would come by when Ranboo had his panic attacks. It was blooming with life, specially Ranboo’s favorite flowers, alliums, and Tubbo’s favorite animal, bees. Needless to say, it was a pretty moment to be tucked in.
In this dream, Michael was running around through the field, chasing the bees that ran away from him. Tubbo was standing a few steps away from where Ranboo was, holding an allium. And Ranboo was...scared. This used to be his favorite memory, and at the beginning, it was a nice dream.
But nice things never lasted in Ranboo’s life.
He knew what was coming. He knew that the worst part of the dream was mere moments away, but just because you know you are going to hit the floor when you are falling from a high place means you are ready for the impact. Nevertheless, Ranboo just wanted to finish with the dream the quickest as possible. He heard his platonic husband calling him:
“Oh, hi Boo! Would you like to see this allium? It has these weird dual colors...reminds me of your face! Just as gorgeous.”
Ranboo had heard this voice multiple times already along the past months, always repeating the same line. He decided to play along, and responded:
“Thanks, Tubbo...can you let me see it?”
Tubbo began to turn around. And immediately, even though Ranboo could not see it, the whole world began to fall apart. The sky turned red and the clouds became dark, hiding the sun and leaving the realm in darkness. Ranboo suddenly began to hear several sounds…
Radio static. Followed by the sound of car tires screeching, stopping suddenly, then the sound of something crashing very loudly…
Tubbo finished turning around with the allium in his hands, and before Ranboo saw his face clearly…
Ranboo woke up breathing heavily once more. He was still lying in his bed, sweating like a pig. Endermen were allergic to water, so instead of having actual sweat, his body was mostly composed of other chemicals that did not really harm him, but still, it was quite annoying to have drops of liquids all over his body. He had slept with the shirt on, so he supposed that might have been one of the reasons he woke up all sweaty.
But of course it wasn’t the only reason. And it was far from the main reason.
As he cleaned himself with a towel, he saw the two rings that rested on his finger. One was made out of silver, and was the one that belonged to Ranboo. The other was made of gold...and belonged to Tubbo. Looking at it, Ranboo couldn’t help but feel nostalgic.
It had been 2 months since Tubbo died in a car crash, when he was coming back from his piano performance in Kinoko City, but, like a curse, instead of forgetting, Ranboo had the memory of the accident etched in fire. They were driving back home, and it was raining, so the roads were a little bit slippery.
Ranboo sometimes imagined how he would tell others about the accident, like he was in a Reality Show: “Yeah, we were driving back, it was raining and we were playing some Alec Benjamin on the radio. Michael then dropped his chicken plushie and began crying. Tubbo leaned back to pick it up, but began struggling. I looked back trying to cheer Michael up, and then I heard a horn of an incoming car in front of us. I quickly turn the wheel, but the car loses control and we spin like Tubbo usually jokes, you know ‘you spin me round round baby~’ and finally we hit a wall. Oh my god, I’m sorry, is everyone ok? Michael, you are covered in blood! Wait, don’t cry papa is here. Tubbo, come one we gotta...Tubbo? TUBBO, YOUR CHEST! SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP ME! PLEASE TUBBO STAY WITH ME!”
Ranboo closed his eyes, doing an extreme effort to try not to think about it. To this day, he still feels guilty about the fact that he caused the accident. The fact that, from the only 2 people who know he was driving, one actually agrees it was his fault, does nothing to help. And he doesn’t blame him. If he had kept his eyes on the road for a little while more… If he had been minding the road...If he called the ambulance a little bit sooner…
He lets out a heavy sigh as he finishes getting dressed. He usually does that by accident. He drifts off in his mind, leaving his body in autopilot for a while, automatically doing his routine without even realizing. Some of the pros of the enderwalk state.
He walks out of his room, and goes down the stairs into the kitchen.
“Michael! It’s breakfast time! We gotta go drop you at kindergarten, hurry up!” just then, he looks at his clock, and almost faints. It’s 9:00 a.m. He overslept...again.
“Shit” he murmurs to himself, and then proceeds to yell louder, while he gets some bread out of the cupboard and some other stuff out of the fridge to make a sandwich “MICHAEL, BELOVED, WE GOTTA GO! I’m sorry dear, I overslept, we gotta run to school, you can eat your lunch in the car-”
He closes the fridge quickly, just now realizing there is a note with his name in the “Bee, Boo and Oink Board”, a little something Tubbo came up with to help Ranboo with his memory lagoons and to organize the house overall. At the moment, he had to go shopping for food, pay the light bill and...the rest was obscured by the note in the board. He takes it and opens it to read it’s content:
“ Ranboo
You overslept, so I took Michael to school. He woke me up saying he was hungry, so I bought him a sandwich at Puffy’s. You are paying for it. You were supposed to pay the bill and get the groceries yesterday. I can make time in my agenda to pay the bill, but at least go for the goods, you massive dickhead.
Tommy”
Ranboo was both embarrassed and relieved. Since Tubbo’s accident, Tommy had taken the role of keeping everyone in the house organized, something that surprised everyone, taking in account that he was still a 19th year old in his sophomore year. He helped Ranboo in cleaning the house, paying stuff and taking care of Michael, but Ranboo was pretty sure he was taking Tommy’s help for granted, especially since he was a mess at the moment and did little to nothing to contribute.
Since the accident, his enderwalk state had gotten worse, and he kept forgetting even the simplest things with ease. He knew he couldn’t have that, but he just couldn’t help himself. At least Tubbo helped him control that part of him, but now that he was gone…
“That’s a problem for future Ranboo” he told himself “Come on, big man. Tommy can’t keep doing everything. If it’s not for you, at least do it for Michael”
With a reflex, he took his sight towards yet another melancholic object in his house. A piano. Tubbo used to play the piano everytime he saw Ranboo stressing, and insisted on him actually doing duets with him, playing a song both had made for themselves and Michael.
“Come on, Boo, play it with me!” he would say
“Nah Tubbo...I don’t know how to play the piano…”
“Oh, come on, it’s easy! See, you just have to do this, follow my lead…”
Looking back at it, Ranboo realized that, accidentally, he had learnt how to play piano by just spending some time with Tubbo. He learnt that he was, in fact, quite decent at it. The desire to play a certain song just for the sake of memory’s delight…
But he stopped his hand mere moments away from the piano keys. He was not ready...he was afraid of what would come out were he to start playing the tunes of a melody only those that lived inside their house knew. Holding back the tears, Ranboo grabbed his coat and got out to work.
To another day where the sun did not shine for him. Even when it was shining right above his head, the heat of the sun just wasn’t present.
* * *
The Bee ‘n Boo (and Fox Incorporated) Hotel was a business founded by both Tubbo and Ranboo. While Tubbo was mostly busy with his piano career, Ranboo took to the hotel, organizing it and quickly rising above the other hotels in the city. Later on, he would hire Fundy as the hotel’s accountant so he would not deal with all the technisisms of having a business. After Tubbo passed away, Fundy took a more active part as the co-owner of the Hotel, since Ranboo was going through a lot at the moment.
Of course, not a lot had changed since 2 months ago, when the accident happened.
“You are late again” said Fundy, seeing Ranboo running straight to the counter in the reception.
“I’m sorry” muttered Ranboo under his breath “I-”
“Overslept. Let me guess, the mysterious nightmare you don’t want to tell me about?”
Ranboo remained quiet. Only he knew the contents of that nightmare. He and Michael, who lived it as a memory of course. And he was not that ready to tell it to anyone else.
Fundy saw reluctance in Ranboo’s eyes, so he gave up with a heavy sigh.
“Fine, keep your secrets. Room 109 has the bathroom clogged, Room 259 is infested with cockroaches and the kitchen needs cleaning before the chefs arrive. I’ll handle the infestation and the client service, you handle the rest. Get to it, memory boy”
The rest of the morning and part of the afternoon was pretty bland, much like every other day in Ranboo’s routine. Tending to problems in the hotel. Cleaning rooms. Helping staff. Serving customers. The usual stuff. But still, his mind was not really there. He was in his memories, dancing with his long gone partner, dreaming of enjoying yet another sundown together. If only he had paid attention to the road…
Uhh...Ranboo?
If only he was paying attention…
Ranboo…
If only he stopped drifting away in memories of happier times…
“RANBOO!” Fundy’s voice finally pierced through his thoughts. Ranboo returned to the real world just to see his foot stuck in a mopping bucket and his hand clutching a feather duster that was cleaning a mirror.
“Oh...sorry. I was a little bit distracted” said Ranboo, dropping the feather duster and trying to get his foot out of the bucket.
“That is...obvious” said Fundy, kneeling to help Ranboo unstuck his foot “What’s going on man? You have not been yourself this couple of months. Is the...accident stuff still affecting you?”
“..a little bit” Ranboo admitted. Fundy gave out a sigh once more. He knew Ranboo had problems, but this was getting out of hand.
“You need to let it go, Ran” he said “It’s just gonna stay in there otherwise, rotting you up. And you can’t afford that, you got Michael to stay cheerie!”
“I know, I know” Ranboo answered, quickly dismissing the subject “I...I’ll try to drift off less. You are right, I should focus a bit more”
Ranboo finally got the bucket out of his foot, and proceeded to pick everything up. Fundy just stared, with a worrying look. Finally, the fox man took all the things from Ranboo’s hands.
“Uh...Fundy, I need those to work” Ranboo said, confused.
“No you don’t” Fundy said “In fact, I want you to take a break for the next week”
“WHAT?! But, Fundy, this is my job and-”
“I will pay you the week, don’t worry. You are the CEO basically, so I can’t really fire you now, can I? But you’ve been drifting up a lot lately, and your mind is all over the place. What if you disturb or do something that annoys a customer? Or worse, you do something when you are hurt? Did you even realize you got your foot in water?”
Ranboo, in fact, had not. He looked down and found that his skin was steaming with the drops of water that had gotten through his pants. He quickly grabbed a towel and cleaned the water swiftly, but Fundy’s point stood clear. He just didn’t want to hear it.
Fundy did not give him an option though.
“I’ll say it clearly Ranboo. After what happened, I don’t think you are ready to go back to work. Take this week to find yourself, spend time with Michael, get your shit together. The Hotel will still be standing by the time you come back, ok?” while saying this, he put his arm over Ranboo’s shoulder, as an old friend.
“...ok. But if something happens to the Hotel, the repairs will come out of your wallet” Ranboo resigned, trying to joke. Thankfully, Fundy let out a laugh.
“I’ll keep that in mind” he said “Now go along. Get a rest. And Ranboo?”
“Yeah?” Ranboo turned around, facing Fundy.
“...losing someone is hard to accept. But losing yourself is harder to overcome. I would know. Please...don’t lose yourself”
“...I’ll try not to, Fundy. Thanks”
And with that, Ranboo left the hallway into the stairs. Fundy, however, stared at the point where he once stood. And once again (for him, it was like a sport), he let out a heavy sigh. Emotions were too hard to understand in his opinion. He grabbed the duster and proceeded to the next room that needed cleaning.
* * *
Ranboo was on his way back home when he got the call from Tommy. Quickly, he connected the phone to the car and began to talk through the speaker of it.
“What’s up, Big Man?” said Ranboo, trying to sound as joyful as possible.
“Where are you?” said Tommy, harshly. Maybe something happened to him, but then again, it was rare the occasion when he wasn’t rude to Ranboo.
“I’m coming back from the Hotel. Fundy let me out early” Ranboo lied. Last thing he needed was Tommy thinking he was a slacker.
“You decided to leave early from work? What a miracle” Tommy spat “I’m with Michael in the playground. He said you promised to bring him here yesterday”
“Shit, I forgot” said Ranboo “Thanks Tommy, I don’t know how can I think you for taking care of him”
“A very easy way of thanking me would be not to make promises you can’t keep. You are not the only one with a work and a life outside of home. Do you at least have the groceries?”
“Fuck, the groceries” thought Ranboo. He quickly responded to Tommy “Umm, yeah, I just got out of the market. The traffic is heavy, so I might take a while to arrive at the house”
“Well, at least you remembered that” replied Tommy “You better be back before we get to the house” and without giving Ranboo a moment to reply, he hunged up.
Ranboo sighed (if someone gave Ranboo a coin for everytime he sighed in a day, most of his problems would be solved) and made a turn in the car. Good thing he wasn’t that far away from the market. He just needed to go in and get whatever he needed. Did he have a list? No, yeah, he did have it, in the...was it in paper? Maybe in his phone...oh yes, it was in his phone's notes. He needed to buy fruits and vegetables, some meat, milk-
HOOONK!!! The sound of a car horn brought Ranboo back to reality. Without realizing it, while he went back to his mind, he almost ran over a red light. He snapped back to reality and focused on the road. He couldn’t have an accident like that. His hands were shaking and almost ran over 2 more lights, but thank god, he arrived at the market without any further problems.
As he entered the store, he began to slander himself. How the fuck did he allowed his enderwalk state to take out the best of himself while he was driving? Didn’t he learn anything from the accident?
“I have to be more careful” Ranboo thought. “If I keep having this...things in my daily life, things can go array. Fundy was right, I need to calm myself, find a time to relax…”
His enderwalk had been a thing since he could remember...that was, really, not too long ago. He remembered little to nothing about his childhood, and even after that, his memories were still messy. The first time he managed to get something clearly was when he met...Tubbo. He was a very good and understanding person.
Most people got creeped out whenever they saw him walking around, and even though he didn’t know exactly what happened when he entered the Enderwalk state, only what people said. All factions on his face disappeared, with his purple, piercing eyes being the only discernible feature of him. However, Tubbo was never scared. He always did the best to make sure Ranboo was not in danger during this state. He noted down memories for Ranboo to know what happened and what to do.
They were best friends, but decided to live together as a couple. Platonic husbands, as Tubbo jokingly called themselves. A little after, they found Michael on a highway, and decided to let him into their house and hearts. Tubbo always wanted children, and to be honest, Ranboo also found them quite lovely. Michael was his joy in life, and he was willing to do whatever it needed to be done for him.
The first night Michael spent in the Beloved - Underscore household, Ranboo had a sore back and was mostly tired, like he didn’t sleep at all. Tubbo then explained the why of that. In the night, Ranboo’s enderwalk state took over, and he would stand up and go to Michael’s room to stare at him. He would also sit by, cover him with a blanket, and when he woke up, Tubbo said that Ranboo humed the song Tubbo had made for them.
“It’s pretty cool, actually” Tubbo told Ranboo after serving him breakfast on that day “You watch all the time, everything. You are like a superhero, Boo. Keeping us safe with your purple watch, don’t you think”
“I don’t know...I’ve never actually done anything in the Enderwalk state. What if a burglar ended up coming into the house? Or there was a gas leak? I wouldn’t do anything and…”
Tubbo held his hand and looked him in the eyes. Whenever Tubbo held his hands, Ranboo calmed down, like how a flower soothes the bees with it’s pollen. There was a reason why he called Tubbo “Tubee” in their alone times.
“You don’t need to do anything, Boo. You always keep us safe. I know that, as long as I’m with you, everything will be fine. And so will Michael. Because let me tell you a little secret” and as he said so, he leaned forward into Ranboo’s ear, and whispered…
“The reason for us three being together is…” and suddenly...Tubbo fell into silence.
“Uh...Tubbo?” said Ranboo “Were you saying anything?” but no answer. Ranboo let out a laugh, his platonic husband was probably just joking around. He pulled Tubbo back, but almost fell back himself.
Where Tubbo’s face was supposed to be, there was a blank space full of something that looked like static...purple static. A thousand voices began ringing in Ranboo’s head...and he woke up.
He woke up in front of his house's front door. Ranboo almost passed out. He was just at the...supermarket, right? He did have the groceries in his arms. So what the hell had happened? The answer came on it’s own. He looked at his clock and he saw that 1 hour had passed after he got lost in his memories once more. So that could only mean…
“Did I seriously drive back here in my Enderwalk state?” Ranboo was at this point scared. It was not safe for him to be enderwalking around the city. Maybe he had to pay Puffy a visit again...she did help him most of the times his Enderwalk got out of control.
As he entered his house and began storing the groceries, he got even more worried. What happened in his memories was not normal at all. It felt like he didn’t know who his husband was. But that was ridiculous...he could never forget…
He could never forget… Tubbo.
Why did it take him so long to remember what was his name?
...how did he look like?
Instinctively, he reached for his ring finger, to grab the rings that signified a platonic union between the two...but to his complete horror, the only ring he could find was the silver one that belonged to him. The golden, bee carved ring that...his husband...Tubbo had given him, was nowhere to be found.
Ranboo began to panic. He hastily finished putting the groceries in order, trying to see if, by accident, the ring would have fallen in the bag of any of the things he bought. When he found nothing, he went running to the car, as he also looked for anything on the floor. He then looked in the car, to also no avail. The ring was gone, and Ranboo had no idea where it could be.
He ran into his room, and began to pace around. Surely there was a solution. He was at the Hotel, and he asked for a week...no, that was not right. Fundy had given him the rest...was it forced or...then was Tommy’s call...he was at the kindergarden...no, no. He was with Michael...at the playground? He promised they were going to the playground...yes. Or was it the cinema he promised Michael to go to?
As he was pacing around, he looked at the mirror. What he saw got the best of him. It was his face, except there were no discernible traits...apart from those eyes. Those purple, piercing eyes that stared back at him. And behind him, there was a person. But this person, the face was wrong...it was full of static. Purple static. And it had his hand on his shoulder...and it was whispering…
It was whispering…
“Ranboo...my beloved…”
Ranboo panicked and turned around too quickly, accidentally dropping something on the floor. Then, he fell to the floor as well, and began crying like he had not cried in 2 months. His purple tears began falling to the ground, and his mind was a symphony with no director, a complete mess of sounds and chaos.
He looked at what he dropped on the floor. It was a picture of him...and his son Michael. And his husband...his husband…
“TUBBO!” Ranboo screamed “His name is Tubbo, god fucking damnit! He is Tubbo, he was the best and now he’s gone! His name is Tubbo. His name is Tubbo. Please, I can’t forget. I can’t…”
“Please” Ranboo said, crying his eyes out, feeling so alone and so desperate “I don’t want to forget you. Stay with me...please…”
"Please, don't leave me"