Chapter Text
Age Nineteen :
The party was at full swing. Rae and Toast had dragged Sykkuno to a club. Their college applications had been accepted...that warranted a party.
It wasn't a shock to anyone when the four of them had decided to go to the same college, albeit they'd study in different streams.
Brooke along with Ryan and his girlfriend was going to a different college.
He and Lexie were still together, Toast was still very impressed, and Rae had started dating Poki, whom they had met on their campus tour about two weeks ago.
Corpse...had refused to date anyone for years now, and Sykkuno thought it was to do with his vow of never dating again that he had made at fifteen. He had mixed feelings about it.
As for Sykkuno himself, his little crush on James, that he thought was the very meaning of true love, had waned since the night of the party when he was sixteen. And now he didn't have feelings like that for anyone.
When he had told Rae, she'd given him a very pointed look and said "you don't have feelings for anyone? Are you sure?"
At Sykkuno's confused nod, she rolled her eyes and went suspiciously quiet. Rae was never quiet, she must've been really annoyed at him.
He didn't want to push, not wanting another "Why Can't You See What's Right In Front of Your Eyes?" lecture that he had been getting (and failing to understand the meaning of) since he was like thirteen, and Rae didn't really want to talk to him right then. So they left it that that.
Corpse and Sykkuno had shown up to the party together, hand in hand, to absolutely no one's surprise.
They had never grown out of holding hands and they probably never would, even though now their hand holding felt... different.
Back then, they'd hold hands tightly, as tight as they could, while walking in the streets because their parents had asked them to look out for each other, and then just... forget to let go. They liked holding hands, they were best friends.
Now, the grip wasn't the tight grip of two little boys holding on to their best friend to cross roads because they were too scared to do so on their own, now the grip was loose, but the touch made Sykkuno feel warm, the touch lingered....the touch felt intimate.
And Sykkuno tried so hard to hide the red of his cheeks that he didn't pause to see if Corpse's cheeks were red too.
They sat so close to each other on the couch that their legs were pressed against each other and Sykkuno could feel the heat radiating off of him. They were drinking, and Corpse had an arm thrown around his shoulder and the warmth of his body made Sykkuno feel more drunk than the five vodka shots Rae had shoved down his throat.
"Sy...?" the warmth of Corpse's breath hit his neck, making him shiver. He mentally slapped himself, there's no way Corpse didn't feel that.
Get it together, he thought to himself and turned his head to face Corpse. A mistake. A big mistake.
Corpse cleary hadn't anticipated him turning around, because he hadn't moved back. Now, instead of his ear, Corpse's breath was hitting his lips. He licked them out of sheer nervousness.
Corpse's eyes snapped to his lips. He gulped and Sykkuno's eyes were fixed on his bobbing Adam's apple. It was so hot all of a sudden. When he managed to drag his eyes away from Corpse's throat, he found Corpse already looking at him. His eyes were dark, dark, dark. Jesus Christ they were so close. The light from the spotlight behind Corpse fell on him, on his curly hair, lighting hit up from behind like a halo.
He looks like an angel, thought Sykkuno feeling drunk out of his mind. He had thought the same about Corpse before too, at sixteen, completely sober. He had felt at peace then, having Corpse near him to ease the tension.
He was most definitely not at peace right now. He was still looking at Corpse's dark eyes, with just millimeters between their lips and he wanted to scream.
"You're zoning out, pay attention to the conversation." Corpse's voice reverberated in his head. Deep, rich like velvet, running over his brain he-
A pointed cough from Toast broke the spell. Corpse moved away from him, even dropping the hand that was on Sykkuno's shoulder like nothing had happened.
And really, nothing had happened. Sykkuno was just drunk.
Not drunk enough to be above the feeling of embarrassment though.
He turned to look at Toast and Rae on the opposite couch and the knowing look (what did they know? And why wouldn't they just tell him) in their eyes made Sykkuno want to be swallowed up by the ground.
He looked at Corpse out of the corner of his eye, he looked as calm and collected as ever. Not even looking at him.
He had to get out of here.
"Uh- I- I'll go da- I'll go dance!" he squeaked and nearly ran out of their booth.
He left so quick, he didn't hear Corpse's low groan as he brushed against him as he got up.
And as he walked away, he missed the intense stare he got from the curly haired boy, whose eyes didn't leave Sykkuno's frame even as he disappeared onto the dance floor.
At quarter past one, Toast was leaving the celebratory party with a pretty girl named Janet, of course he was. Her friend had approached Corpse, and had been promptly turned down. Not that Sykkuno knew that, as he had stormed off towards the washrooms the second the girl approached Corpse.
Now, with his head against the surprisingly clean, cold washroom wall, he didn't understand what was going on.
His feelings were so messy, they were all jumbled in a way they had never been before. All he knew was that while everything about his friendship with Corpse had remained the same, something felt off...something was missing, and to his frustration, he didn't know what it was.
Everything was the exact same, the way it has always been, but at the same time, something just out of his reach seemed to have changed.
He had, to his shame, touched himself thinking about Corpse a couple times in the past year. He had hoped the first time he did that, that fateful night, would also be the last. But it wasn't.
Now that he had seen how it felt to think about that voice, those hands, those wild curls, while bringing himself close to his release, that was all he saw each time he closed his eyes. No other fantasy could rile him up like that, no one else could soothe that ache.
And as embarrassed and guilty as he felt about it, he had eventually convinced himself it wasn't Corpse who made him feel like that, it was the thrill of it being 'forbidden' because he was thinking about his best friend, it was just a hand kink or something, and since Corpse was the one with the best hands around, his imagination had latched on to him.
He was forced to leave the washroom early because of yells. More specifically, Corpse's yells. He was screaming at someone. There was something really wrong, Corpse never got angry like that.
Sykkuno rushed out of the washrooms just in time to see a guy get punched across the face. He felt like he had been sent back in time and he was back to being a seven year old as he saw Corpse towering over the man on the floor.
"You say something like that again and you see what I fucking do to you."
When Corpse emphasized on his statement by kicking the guy in the stomach, Sykkuno realized he's to going to have to break up whatever this is. He looked to Rae for assistance and saw Poki only barely holding Rae back, trying to calm her down, while Rae looked like she wanted to get a couple kicks of her own in. Wow, the guy must've really fucked up.
He decided stopping Corpse could wait a minute and made his way to Rae and Poki.
"So? What's happening?"
Poki looked awkward, she wasn't the type of person to get awkward. "He uh- the guy on the floor I mean- it's-it's not Corpse's fault.. The guy said- he said somethin-"
Rae spoke up, anger seeping into her words "He said he saw you walk onto the dance floor, and he's been keeping his eyes on you since. Said you looked like you would be an easy fuck."
"F-following me since the dance floor? It's been more than an hour since I came back to the booth. Jesus. He's been following me that long?"
"He saw you go to the washroom alone and was going to follow you in there, and make his friend stand guard. We heard him when he was making his way past our table, and then Corpse just...."
'Corpse just' indeed, thought Sykkuno. His friend? The brunette turned to look at the man who was now struggling to pull himself up from the ground, his mouth was bleeding. Wow, Corpse seemed to have knocked a coupe teeth out with that punch.
He noticed another man in the shadows, slowly trying to make his way out of the club before Corpse caught him. No such luck.
He was grabbed by his collar, and Corpse glared down at him "Where the fuck do you think you're going? You wanted to stand on guard? I'll make sure you can't stand at all, you fucking bitc-"
Sykkuno noticed the bouncers making their way towards the crowd that had gathered. Even though it was unlikely, he didn't want Corpse to get into trouble because of these guys.
"Corpse. Stop."
Corpse turned to face him "No Sy you don't understand he-"
"I know, but stop."
"What the fuck, you know? And you want me to stop? Do you understand what he was going to try to do to yo-"
"Corpse listen to me-"
Corpse turned back around to the guy, he wasn't going to stop.
Sykkuno turned to look at Poki "Get Rae, and go home. Corpse and I'll leave through the back door."
He grabbed Corpse's hand and half pulled-half dragged him through the crowd, and out of the club.
They were standing in the dark alleyway behind the club, Sykkuno was still holding Corpse's hand, trying to catch his breathe. Pulling an unwilling Corpse away was hard.
"What the fuck Sykkuno?"
Sykkuno winced. Corpse never called him Sykkuno.
"Corpse I-"
"You what? What is going on with you? First you run away from me all of a sudden to dance, you don't even like dancing-"
"Maybe I do like it, and you just didn't know"
"Shut up, I know everything about you."
"Oh yeah, what's my favourite and least favourite flower then?" Sykkuno felt a little guilty for that one, that had literally never come up in conversation before, he didn't even know what his favourite and least favourite flower was.
"Stop stalling- your favourite is Irises, blue ones, not the whites and your least favorite flower is rose, you find that too mainstream- anyways then you storm off when-"
"You knew?" Sykkuno had no idea what to say to that.
Corpse was right about the flower thing, how? He didn't even know before Corpse said it and now it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world.
He had a vague memory of frowning whenever he saw people buy roses on Valentine's. And he remembered this one time Toast had gotten him blue irises he'd loved.
"Of course I do, I notice everything about you. I have for the past 14 years. Anyways stop interrupting me for fuck's sake. Then you stormed off when that girl, what's her name... approached me. I was going to ask you to say you want something so that I could pretend to help you and get out of it. But you didn't even stick around for a second and I had to turn her down. She cried, Sykkuno."
Sykkuno winced, it all sounded so bad when Corpse said it. And Corpse sounded mad. Like really mad. He didn't know how he could make the situation better, but he tried. "Corpse I-"
"Stop interrupting me, Sykkuno. You left me with a crying girl, who drew so many glances towards our table, it made me uncomfortable. I was close to just getting up and leaving the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to leave you alone. And then I heard the man, and you showed up out of nowhere when I tried to teach him a lesson and dragged me away, where the fuck were you before that?"
"Corpse you're overreacting to it, I left because I wanted to give you some space with the girl, incase you wanted to flirt with her or something. How was I supposed to know you were going to turn her down? Or she was going to cry?"
Corpse's laugh was bitter "so what? You were suddenly trying to play wingman? And you would've known I was going to turn her down if you had fucking stuck around instead of abandoning m-"
"Abandoning you? I did no such thing, I'm sorry I left but you're making a big deal out of nothin-"
Corpse cut him off again "Unlike you, Sykkuno, I'm not blind to what's right in front of me. Fuck I wish Jess were here she'd know what to d-"
Now, Sykkuno knew there was nothing between Corpse and Jessica anymore. There hasn't been anything for years now. He knew Corpse meant it in the literal way, he wished Jess was here, so that he could have dealt with the girl from earlier better, Jess was good at things like that.
He didn't mean he missed Jessica, or their relationship, or that he'd rather have her around than Sykkuno himself. He didn't even put her before Sykkuno when they were dating. She herself hadn't ever wanted to come between the two's friendship.
He knew all of this. So he had no excuse for why he suddenly saw red.
"If you want Jessica back that badly, maybe you should go to her. Maybe you shouldn't waste your time on little old me. Maybe you should go and get her back instead of fighting with me. I can't believe you're still standing here. Why would you do that? When you could go have someone as amazing and special and beautiful and smart as Jessica right? Why waste your time with me? Maybe it's out of pity? That's it, isn't it? Poor Sykkuno hasn't even had his first kiss yet, no one wants him. Maybe I should stay here and make sure that he at least has friends, is that what you think to yourself? Does that make you sleep better? Knowing you're popular enough to get anyone to be your best friend, literally anyone but you picked me to be your little charity project." the words were dripping with vemon, Sykkuno could hear himself and he wished he couldn't.
The words in his mouth felt like poison. Cruel, bitter, deadly.
Corpse was gaping at him, like he couldn't recognize Sykkuno, and that made it all the more terrible.
"What the fuck Sykkuno? I thought you knew I don't feel that way abou- that I didn't mean it the way you seem to think I meant it-"
"So it's still Sykkuno then?"
"What else am I supposed to call you?"
"You used to call me Sy"
Corpse looked at him like he couldn't believe his ears "Used t- you fucking idiot it's been like five minutes since I've called you that."
Sykkuno deflated, probably visibly so "M-maybe I li- like it.. Maybe I like it when you- you.. Call me S-Sy" his face was warm, he was probably bright red by now. He looked down at his feet.
"Ah yes, now you stutter. Not when you were accusing me of thinking of you as a fucking charity case. You're wrong. You're so fucking dumb for fuck's sake."
Corpse's voice suddenly sounded closer than it had a moment before. Sykkuno looked up and oh Jesus, had Corpse been standing this close to him from the beginning? He was still holding Corpse's hand, Christ he hadn't even noticed.
"Wha- what am I wrong about? Corpse I-" his words died on his tongue, Corpse was looking at him. His gaze was smouldering, the fire in them seemed to light up the dark. Corpse was mad.
"You are wrong about a lot of things."
"Corpse I'm s-sorry. I had no right..."
"You're damn right you didn't. You know how much I love you, you're my best friend. You had no right to say that to me. Like I said, you're wrong about a lot of things. But I meant you're wrong about no one wanting you."
Sykkuno's throat was dry "But it's true? No one wants me."
Corpse's eyes seemed to be burning a hole through the brunette. "Sykkuno, god, everyone wants you." his voice sounded strangled like it was forcing it's way out of Corpse's throat without his will.
Corpse was so close to him, his breathe warmed Sykkuno's lips again. Although it was very different from the vibe of the club, and he had potentially ruined his lifelong friendship, to his utter shame all he could think about was closing the distance and kissing him.
"I-I'm sorry... Corpse I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it I-"
"Then why did you?"
"I- I don't" Sykkuno shook his head, frustrated with himself, with the situation "I don't know."
Corpse sighed "This would all be so much easier if you weren't so fucking blind. Why can't you just see what's-"
Sykkuno's frustration had once again given way to anger. But this time, he knew the reason for it. He jabbed a finger into Corpse's chest with his right hand, his left still occupied with holding Corpse's hand. Corpse seemed to be unaware, and right now, Sykkuno didn't care. (He was too angry to actually pause and think about how hyper aware he was of Corpse's hand in his, which is supposed to be common place at this point.)
"-What's right in front of me. Yes, Rae says that too. But since I'm so 'blind' as you both keep saying, why the heck do you not tell me? Tell me what you're talking about Corpse, tell me what's right in front of me."
To his annoyance, Corpse just shook his head and wrapped his hand around Sykkuno's finger that was still poking his chest. Slowly moving it away from his chest and dropping it at Sykkuno's side. He let go, and was about to move away. It stung.
Corpse took one step back, and a rush of cold hit Sykkuno right in the face. This time there was no AC to put the blame on.
"Sykkuno..tell you..? We can't-"
"Don't tell me you can't. You can't just keep calling me blind and not tell me what I'm being blind about, Corpse."
"Sykkuno I can't-"
"Shut up."
Sykkuno didn't know what he was about to say, he didn't care. He felt angry at Corpse for not telling him things. Wasn't that the point of being best friends? No secrets?
He felt bitter at the distance Corpse was putting between the two of them.
Corpse took another step bac- hell no he didn't.
Sykkuno let go of Corpse's hand and then grabbed the collar of his black jacket with both of his hands, pulling him flush against his body.
Corpse's "S-sy wha-..?!" got cut off midway as Sykkuno, running on pure instinct, stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips against the taller. Corpse's eyes widened.
Their tongues were immediately in each other's mouths. Though it was their first kiss, it wasn't a peck.
Sykkuno wasn't unsure. He just went for it. He was confused as to why he was doing what he was. But he was sure he wanted to do it.
Corpse tasted of Vodka and a mint that he had taken from Poki a while before everything blew up. It was the last mint in her pack, and Sykkuno was gonna take it, before Corpse asked for it and he gave in. Well I guess I'm taking it now, he thought.
They were rushing so much that they kept bumping their teeth and letting out giggles. This whole thing was insane. They were supposed to be talking it out, Sykkuno should be apologizing, not shoving his tongue down Corpse's throat. And the taller was supposed to be telling him what he was "blind" about, not kissing him back like he's been waiting for years to do just that
(which he wasn't, Sykkuno just knew it. No way Corpse spent years wanting to kiss him)
Even so, neither of them broke the kiss. They trudged through the slight pain of the teeth-bumping and the bursts of giggles that they swallowed up. The kiss was exactly what he had imagined kissing Corpse would be like.
Sykkuno hadn't even realized that all of his fantasies about Corpse involved kissing him (you know, because he wasn't really fantasizing about Corpse.. It was a "hand kink or something", obviously. Why would he think about kissing him?)... Until he was, in fact, kissing him.
He hadn't realized he had thought about the way Corpse would taste for hours on end, until he was tasting him.
He was dimly aware of Corpse walking them backwards until Sykkuno's back hit the wall. His hands were now on Sykkuno's waist, pulling him closer even though there wasn't any space between them in the first place, while the shorter was still holding on to his collar.
His mind felt hazy, his body pressed against Corpse felt so good he wanted to stay there forever.
But all good things end. First they pulled apart to catch their breathe. And then, when Sykkuno tried to pull Corpse back in, the curly haired boy groaned low in his throat, but pulled back completely.
"C-corpse hu-?"
Corpse pulled back far enough that Sykkuno's hands fell from his collar.
His voice was deliciousy hoarse "Sykkuno, why did you do that?"
Sykkuno shook his head, frustrated at himself yet again because-
"I- I don't know."
Corpse looked at him. He kept looking at him until Sykkuno looked down at his feet, ashamed.
The other sighed.
"Look man, you have a lot to figure ou-"
"Corpse I-"
"Just- just think about everything okay?"
"I don't understand, Corpse" Sykkuno was close to crying at this point "it's always been so easy to understand each other, hasn't it? Why does it feel like there's a huge gap now? I can't seem to explain myself. And you just won't tell me what I'm being blind about, Corpse. I don't understand...."
"You can't explain yourself, because there's nothing to explain. You don't even know what you're supposed to explain to me in the first place. You've said some shit today that hurt me, Sy. You've done some things you don't have an explanation for. The reason for that is... there's no way to explain what you don't know. You have a lot to think about. Go home. Think."
"Think about what? There's so much.. It's.. It's overwhelming. Where do I even start?"
"From the beginning, maybe? Then you'll finally see what's right in front of you."
Sykkuno couldn't help but let out a dry chuckle that probably sounded like a sob.
"Whatever it is, it better be something earth shattering or I'll beat you and Rae up. I'm telling you, it better sweep me off my feet."
Corpse looked up at the night sky like he was praying "God, I hope so."
Corpse looked back at him again, and for the first time since Sykkuno had left him at the table, he smiled.
"Come on Sykkuno, let me walk you home."
For a while, with his head still foggy, Sykkuno had let himself believe that Corpse, while upset, and rightfully so, had at least stopped being mad at him.
That lie crashed and burned when they reached his doorstep, and instead of coming in to stay over like they had planned, Corpse just said "Good night, I hope you figure everything out."
Sykkuno forced himself to nod, and turned his back to Corpse to open his front door.
"Uh Sy..?"
He turned around, more eagerly than he would have liked.
"Yeah Corpse?"
"I think..." he seemed to steel himself up. "I think I should give you some space for a while, just to let you clear your head."
"Corpse you don't have-"
"Good luck." and then Corpse was already walking away.
He waited until he turned the corner and went out of sight. He waited the whole time, and Corpse didn't turn around once.
He should have known he hadn't been forgiven when, for the first time since the day he had first grabbed Corpse's hand thirteen years ago, they hadn't held hands on the way back home.
He should have know... and he would have known, if he hadn't let himself be clouded with the phantom feeling of Corpse's lips on his own the entire way back.
He walked into the dark house. And only realised that he had started crying at some point once he fell back on his empty bed where Corpse was supposed to be tonight.