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As the realization hit, Sirius Black sank to the castle floor. The cool temperature felt calming almost, as calming as he could get at this moment. But he didn't deserve any comfort. So he pulled his hand away. Settling his hands around his legs he dipped his head to meet them. That's when the tears began to pour. I shouldn't be crying, he thought but it did nothing to stop himself.
Slowly the tears built into debilitating sobs, leaving him shaking nd breathless. It felt like a million punches to the gut. The whimper that escaped him carried through the air. He couldn't stop it any more than he could the tears. Nor could he stop his feelings. Sirius watched as tear stains painted his trouser leg. His mind yelled at him again that he shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't be queer either he thought bitterly.
Pure terror filled his lungs and shame settled in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to throw up, but all he did was sob more. He was broken. Wrong. Queer. As much as he prayed he could, Sirius knew he couldn't shake it. He had spent the last year trying. Hell more than a year. He had spent his whole life repressing how he felt for it to all crumple at once.
Even before his heart picked up for the boy with soft brown hair and scars he felt this way. Despite the memories buried deep he knew it had always been there. Sirius inhaled a deep breath as one of those moments resurfaced. It was his first year, a few months into their stay at Hogwarts. James sat beside him, the firelight reflecting in his spectacles.
"Can you fancy a boy?" Young Sirius asked without thinking, "Not you per say just… another boy." His cheeks flushed as he bit his lip, not sure he should've voiced his thoughts. But he trusted James. He won't laugh or tease. It was simply a curiosity and he knew that.
The Noble House of Black had told Sirius many things about the world, many of them lies it seemed. So as a general rule he didn't believe them. But he couldn't stand not knowing so he would as his friend. James grew up pureblood as well and understood what the wizarding word was truly. And he would never judge Sirius for not knowing.
"I don't know. I mean I've never heard of it, but I suppose one could though?" The spectacled boy replied.
Both of them had no real idea then. It wasn't just his family who believed he was immoral.
Sirius quickly learned the world around them didn't seem to agree with James. As he dove deeper into learning about muggles he had come across the horrible things people did to those who were different, like him. He wondered if James even still thought that way. They had never spoken about the conversation again. Sirius prayed he had also forgotten.
Another memory hidden away started to unravel. The moment that planted the seed of this awful realization. It had changed everything.
"Now they say your folks are telling you. Be a super star. But I tell you, just be satisfied. Stay right where you are. Keep yourself alive!" Sirius's yells filled the dormitory.
Over the summer of '73 he had heard and become obsessed with the new muggle band called Queen. When asked why his friends asked why he was so enthralled by the band or even just the frontman Freddie Mercury, which from his wardrobe changes was clearly his favorite, all he could answer was he was just so cool how could one not want to listen a thousand times.
Which is exactly what he did. In the freedom of Hogwarts he could play whatever he liked. Much to the annoyance of the other Marauders. In the following weeks he had learned that none of them knew how to appreciate Queen as they should've. Everyone except for Remus. He was the only one that actually had any taste in good music.
As the lyrics filled the air time stood still for just a moment. Both breathless from the movement and song, everything was perfect. Sirius's eyes fell to the boy beside him. He looked as happy as he felt behind those closed eyes.
Warmth set through Sirius as he watched his eyelashes flicker open. Remus met his eyes and smiled. It was the most beautiful thing Sirius ever saw. The two boys' eyes remained on each other as they lived in the moment for a little while longer.
That same happiness tugged him as he remembered that time instead of the shame that usually bubbled in him.
Remus's beauty was something he always was aware of. As they met fourth year he was blown away by it. He felt almost as breathless as before.This time there was no music to blame. It was this moment the realization started to come to light. And he had to do something about it.
"Will you go out with me?"
Sirius stood frozen as the words registered. A Hufflepuff girl he had known since first year waited. She had a look of confidence that slowly slipped away the longer he remained quiet so he nodded in agreement.
Why not? He thought in class she was always friendly and pleasant enough. And she was quite pretty. It wasn't something he really noticed before though. Soft amber eyes shone with relief as a smile took over and dimples danced on her pale white cheek. Her smile was so bright he couldn't help but he smiled back at her. He too felt relief.
That smile and relief quickly diminished as the date approached. It was like a punch to the gut every time he thought about it. It was just nerves he told himself, everything would be alright. It was not. A punch to the gut would've been the better choice he decided.
That did not stop Sirius from agreeing to another date, this time with a Ravenclaw. She had beautiful brown hair that shined in the morning light. Again as the event approached he felt the nerves coiled and slam into his stomach. Yet he still replied with a yes when the next girl asked, and the next.
It seemed the Hufflepuff from all those months ago had encouraged every girl in the school to give him a try. They only ever lasted one lackluster night. Worry began to crowd his thoughts, what is wrong with me? Even when they had common interests even when they were gorgeous he couldn't stop turning his head to the boy with amber eyes and brown hair.
No, he thought. As quickly as the thought surfaced it was pushed away. Sirius didn't dare let his mind wander like that again and soon he forgot.
She helped him forget. Her name tasted sweet in his mouth. As did "girlfriend". Almost nothing compared to those nights spent talking each other ear off about Queen. Or how they would sing along until they were out of breath. Everything felt perfect with her. It was as if a weight had lifted. He felt happy.
They both did. So much time was spent together he started picking up the little things that made up her. How her hair was always tucked behind her ears to show off her golden piercings. Or how the little white scars contrasted beautifully against her brown skin when her nose scrunched with a laugh. It felt too good to be wasted on him. Especially when her jokes were much better than his.
He noticed these things because that's what boyfriends were supposed to do. But also maybe because it reminded him a little too much of the boy with similar scars.
Realizing he could never love her like she loved him felt like a betrayal. Both to himself and her. Even when he found someone he really cared about, he couldn't love her. No amount of time to change that. And repressing it was only hurting them all. Sirius would have to lose a friend when trying to gain himself. All because he was gay.
After all these years Sirius had finally let himself admit it. But it was too much so he was left crying alone on the floor.
It was almost a relief, he no longer had to lie to himself. Almost. If he could think about what he was without guilt narrowing his insides. If only it didn't feel like acid was entering his lungs every time he breathed.
All his memories of Remus were so nice so why did loving him feel like this?
For a moment he feared his thoughts were somehow spoken out loud when he heard footsteps approach. He hadn't even heard them until they were right next to him, Sirius had no time to compose himself before James saw him. Maybe he already had, he didn't know.
Heaving through the pain settling in Sirius's stomach he tries to speak. Nothing comes out so instead James just joins him on the hard dorm floor and wraps him in a hug. He can see the fear in his friends eyes and holds on tighter. What would he do without James Potter?