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Bucky collapsed on the edge of his bed, feeling himself sink into the mattress, as though he was being dragged into the material, absorbed into the world of peaceful sleep. Something that had become alien to him for a long time, a night without being plagued by his mistakes, crimes and guilt. It really was like being absorbed by a marshmallow, too soft, remembering that Sam had conveyed the same emotion to Steve upon meeting him. He knew he was exhausted, he knew his body craved rest, relaxation, recovering from the past three days. Yet he found himself unable to enjoy the luxuries he was surrounded by, it felt strange, unwanted.
Too comfy
Too normal
His head still ringing from the heat of the shower, disconnected from reality, as if this body didn't belong to himself. Walking through the room as if he was a robot, merely existing instead of a living being. He didn't feel hunger, he didn't feel a need, he just wanted calm. His body was able to tolerate temperature changes better than average, coping with things that would cause normal people harm. Long had the days passed where he was a normal man, sure he had been a boxer in his youth, but becoming the winter soldier made him into an entirely different beast. His stamina, endurance, strength and combat had been changed into a perfect killing machine. The only one of his kind, never replicated, never replaced. Rivulets of water trickling down his body, droplets dripping from his cheek, running across his skin in endless roads.
His dog tags hung delicately around his neck, a keepsake brought back to him by Steve when he returned to the past after returning the stones. A memory of the man he was before Hydra broke him, jingling lightly in the echoing silence. Wondering if coming here had been a good idea in the long run, reminding him of things he had tried so hard to forget. His skin still felt dirty, no matter how much he scrubbed, no matter how much he tried to rid himself of it, he felt dirty. His brain alive with thoughts, clawing and gnawing like a little demon on his shoulder. Like something was crawling across his skin, he could still feel it, that disgust that lingered at the back of his mind. He could still feel Shelby's eyes on him, the predatory way she had watched him like a piece of meat for her amusement. How close Zemo had come to using him as a bargaining chip. If Sam hadn't gotten that phone call what would have happened, would he have become someone else's pet? Her hands on him, roaming his body. Zemo touching him, that small delicate hand that caressed his face, daring him to fight back, mocking him. Zemo had loved this most of all, reminding Bucky that part of him would never be able to rid himself of the winter soldier identity. He felt a wave of nausea twisting in his stomach, forming into a tight knot, suffocating him. He needed her here now, he wanted to get away, run and never look back. Back to the person who was waiting for him, back to the person who understood him, the woman whom he was connected to. The only part of Hydra that had been good to him. He needed to hear her soft voice, he needed to feel her touch, he needed to see her, reach out and touch her. He grabbed his phone from his bedside table, scrolling to the favourites on his phone, every personal contact that wasn't his therapist. Natasha instantly coming up and clicking on her contact, bringing the phone to his ear expectantly. The dial tone ringing in his ear like a warning sign.
Begging
Praying
Hoping she would answer, afraid of being left with silence, his own thoughts, he didn't want to be on his own. He was vulnerable and he didn't trust his own mind right now. He couldn't help but feel selfish and want her to comfort him. She'd done them all a favour once Sam had begged enough, expressing how urgent it was. She was saying in Delacroix with Sam's family as insurance, watching over his family while they were in Madripoor, after Karli had contacted Sam's sister they were left on the edge. He never doubted that Natasha couldn't handle this, she would be able to handle anything that came her way. She was Nicks' right hand woman, she was the person he was closest to. She and Maria hill were his most trusted women, the higher ups. She could be left alone and find herself in trouble and you would never have known, she kept her secrets for reasons as did he. But his body called out to her, every part of him desperate for her, his heart and mind screaming for her presence.
"James, baby are you ok?" Natasha's voice broke through the silence, Bucky nearly sobbing when she responded. Sam had been filling her in with what had been going down, keeping her up to date with how things were progressing, via phone calls and messages. She wasn't happy but she trusted them, yet she was cautious and prepared, knowing all the risks they were taking. Walker butting in, tracking them, hounding them, belittling Bucky, interfering with their missions. Remembering when Sam relayed that they had managed to get a hold of the flag smashers on the trucks then Walker showed up and made it worse. How he called them Steve's lackies despite both being his seniors in the military. Constantly following their every step without fail, butting in where he shouldn't. She'd done some work around her side, calling in some favours with Nick, making sure to leave a cookie trail that would deter Walker and keep him off their backs for a while. Knowing that it would mean the world to them both and allow them to actually make progress without someone breathing down their neck. Zemo was her priority, she cared more about the mischief that Zemo found himself in until he was taken back into custody. Whether he would attempt to flee in Madripoor, if he would escape them or somehow betray them. Zemo was the reason James became the winter soldier again unwillingly, using the trigger words to get to siberia and brainwash him for information. The reason her old team was destroyed, the reason Steve had to return the stones, the reason why Tony and Steve became enemies. The reason the Avengers broke apart. The reason for Wakanda's suffering, the death of their king, T'challa's forced enhancement to the throne. He had a lot to answer for, and she was sure he would repay that debt once he was rotting on the raft.
Bucky sighed, melting at the very sound, he never realised how much he needed her until they were apart. She was his comfort, his everything, her voice was like pure honey, filling every part of him. So soft, so warm and so familiar, she made him feel safe, she felt like home to him, and god did he miss her. After his fall from the train upon Hydra capturing him, Brooklyn was the only familiar place he knew to try to adapt to being himself again. To try to become the person he was before he was brainwashed, before he became a killer, before he hurt people. Just being in her presence brought out something in him, something primal, something tender, something weak. Gazing into her eyes, a silent communication being shared, already knowing what the other was thinking, balancing each other out. He knew about her darkness, her history, what she was trained to do, the many faces she wore on missions when getting a job done. But he had trained her, he'd known her, they had fought together, they understood one another, they loved one another. Bucky had experienced his flings, his crushes, some pining, unrequited loves, but no girl had he ever loved as much as he did Natasha. He didn't believe in the term soulmates until she came into his life, she just completed him in ways he couldn't express in words. She helped him forget the nightmares, the ones that caused him to wake sobbing, screaming, covered in cold sweat. The memories that turned his blood to ice and drowned his mind in horror, trapping him in that moment as if he was reliving it.
"Sam filled me in about Zemo, the brass monkey, what he did to you…" she trailed off, wishing she could have been there. Wishing she could have kept an eye on them, being able to predict what happened, preventing them from being attacked. They were safe for the time being with Sharon, she was someone familiar, but they had gotten themselves in a mess. She knew Bucky would have never broken him out if he didn't have a reason, he was a nerdy little science geek with a big brain, Bucky wasn't an idiot. He'd proven that time and time again to everyone around him, such as how he'd managed to hide out in Bucharest without being detected. Sure his methods could be unpredictable and he was hard to understand, keeping everyone at a distance unless he could trust them. Only those who were close to him could perceive what he was thinking, taking in the small gestures, hints and mannerisms that gave him away. She knew Zemo was messing with Bucky, just as he had before, he knew how to get into people's minds. He'd more than proven himself to be a worthy adversary to the avengers. Taunting and triggering him to see the response of Bucky post mind control, playing with him like a puppet on strings, how he had used Bucky like a piece of meat, using him as a tool to gather information. Though whatever he had done had worked, he knew how to use people to his advantage, but with Bucky he got a kick out of it. "If only I could get my hands on that weasel" she growled, confront him on just who's lover he was messing with.
She hated that she couldn't protect Bucky from where she was, that he was somewhere she couldn't reach, wanting to comfort him. Zemo had no idea how much Bucky had struggled to reach a semi healthy state in his life. How much growth Bucky had accomplished, how he was still fighting his battles, wondering if he was worthy of forgiveness. How long it took her to help him sleep without waking in screaming fits and tears, how she had instinctively learned to read when he was about to have a panic attack, when he was having a nightmare and how to calm him. How much it broke her heart to see him this way, how much she treasured Bucky. The normality she had craved her whole life, post-snap she finally had, she was no longer an Avenger, purely a shield agent after Tony's death they had been disbanded. Thor was in space with the guardians, Sam and Bucky were a team turned trio when she joined them. Sword were now their sister legacy, working on the more supernatural elements of protecting earth. She still worked for Nick, there was always something to do, the world would always need protecting from some form of danger. But at least having the sorcerer supreme to help keep tabs was helpful. But since he was now working with the Kroll in space, she had a long-awaited break that she was taking advantage of. But Bucky would always be a priority, he would always come first in her life aside from her work.
Bucky chuckled, glad he had made the choice to call her, acting as the stress relief he needed to clear his mind and focus again, knowing she was waiting for him to come home. He knew she meant every word which somehow made his conflict ease away, forgetting he was ever scared, forgetting the feeling of eyes on him, forgetting the smell of bullets, steel and that bar. If the Dora Milaje were a threat to Zemo, seeking revenge for the death of their king and the shame he had brought to their country. Natasha would scare the shit out of Zemo, knowing her history, intimidating him the same way he did people. She too knew how to get into people's heads, the same way she had Loki. I mean during the unloading of secrets from Hydra and shield onto the net, Zemo had surely seen Natasha's history and what she was capable of. The number of victims in her wake, the number of people she had protected and killed, and that would scare the shit out of him. As dangerous as Zemo was, he knew what people not to get on the wrong side of, she was at the top of the list. He could already imagine Walkers reaction, Natasha may not have looked much to the naive civilian, but she could take a person down without breaking a sweat. Her weapons and tools aside, she was highly trained in martial artist, knocking him down a few pegs. He'd love to see Walker try and call Nat a lackey of Nick Fury.
"Are you ok? Seriously James?" she pressed, she wasn't going to allow him to avoid the subject and withdraw into himself. She could tell when he was lying, she made a career out of reading body language and collecting information out of people, it was the basics of being a spy. She knew about his nightmares, every single one he had ever experienced, being bound to the chair, the electroshock therapy that wiped his mind, the flashes and when he was reliving something. His triggers and what words she needed to avoid bringing up, she knew about his decades worth of trauma, all of the accumulated guilt from his crimes while brainwashed. The people he had hurt, the people he had wronged and the people he would never be able to bring back. Aware he was haunted like herself from the endless faces of his victims, the people that Hydra had forced him to kill for their benefit, the innocent lives he had robbed. Trying to make amends with the families and connections he had wronged, even if it was from merely a distance. Like her when she joined shield, he had red on his ledger and he wanted to clean his slate. She'd sat up enough times comforting him, watching the night sky bleed into sunrise, or the sun bleeding into the horizon as night fell. She cared little for sleep, how much she lost or how much she gained, keeping him close and waiting for him to fall asleep. All she cared about was Bucky feeling safe and knowing peace, getting through the night.
Bucky closed his eyes, using her as a conduit, transporting himself out of this room, back to where she was. As if he never came here, as if he never left home, as if he never found himself dragged into a mess caused by the government and the flag smashers. A small smile forming on his lips as he found himself relaxing, he could already envision her there in front of him, that soft red hair that fell to her shoulders, soft waves that he loved to entangle around his fingers, those piercing green eyes that were so full of emotions. That small smirk she always wore at the corner of her mouth, that amused smile full of mischief she flashed. The warmth of her body, the rise of her chest when she slept, when she laughed, holding him close, wrapping her arms around him like a shield, running her fingers through his hair like a cat, calming his soul. All of the small, simple moments that had helped him feel whole again, that reminded him he wasn't a monster, that someone loved him. "I miss you Nat" he blurted before he could stop himself, hoping that Zemo wasn't snooping around somewhere and listening. He hated being away from her, the line going quiet as soon as the words escaped his lips. He heard her take a deep breath, focusing her words, he swore he could hear her voice tremble slightly.
"James….you do what you have to, make Steve proud…" she trailed off, he had to live his own life now without his best friend as lonely as that would be. He would always miss Steve, always long for him and always wish he would come back. Steve had been their leader, helping them through every mission, knowing what needed to be done. Their friend, their rock, he'd never given up on Bucky even when he was believed to be dead or irredeemable, he knew that Bucky was never a monster even when the world doubted him. He had believed in Bucky when everyone else saw him as a threat, after all the crimes he had committed against Shield while Hydra's right hand. Risking his connections to shield, his friendship with Tony, revealing his assassination of the Stark's. Going against everyone just to protect him and fix what Hydra did, all for the sake of his best friend. Now Bucky had his mission, it would be long, strange and confusing, trying to mould himself into a new man while reclaiming who he used to be. Taking back the life he wanted, the life he'd had, figuring himself and making his way in the world alone.
"…But, just don't lose sight of what matters, you aren't him anymore, as much as a part of you as the winter soldier was. You have me, you have Sam, you aren't alone. So you better come home safe" she warned. He never had to feel like he had nobody to turn to, he just had to be brave enough to reach out. He was in the processes of grief, overcoming years of mind control and redemption. They all had their demons, not a single one of them was without their trauma or their mistakes, skeletons in the closet. Hell, during her time in the red rooms the winter soldier had personally trained her, she'd been alongside him during her missions. They formed a bond that was hard to express, the trust they had in each other. But she had found her family, she'd found her place of belonging where she could move on from her past. She'd lost people, too many to count, people who couldn't be replaced, but she'd managed to make a new one. She would give Sam an earful if either of them didn't come home safe, Bucky in particular.
Bucky smiled, he'd become bored to tears of the shitty therapist, her patronizing tone and how she seemed to lack any form of sympathy for how complicated his life was. Yet with Natasha she understood, she didn't judge and she allowed him to convey his emotions while helping him to come out of his shell on his own terms. She always asked if he wanted to get coffee afterwards, if he was hungry or find some form of distracting him. It was strange the effect she had on him, she never envied the friendship he had with Steve, she never questioned it. Steve had been the oldest friend Bucky had ever known, the last piece of his old life. She had her friendship with Steve working at shield, working together after he was defrosted and became a soldier for Nick. His loss hurt her deeply as much as it did him, adapting to him being missing from their everyday life. Licking each other's wounds, just getting through the day one step at a time "Yes Ma'am".
"I love you James" she hummed, she'd become attached and close to many people over the years, both mentors and friendships. Clint had been her companion, best friend and brother, they cracked jokes and they hung out together. She'd been named godmother and aunt to their children, due to how close they had become over the years, only she knew about his family and wife. Steve was her friend, brother figure, drinking buddy and confidant, someone who understood her. She knew his motives, she understood his methods and knew how to mess with him. She cared a lot about him but wasn't afraid to put him in his place. Nick had been the one to recruit her for shield once her days as a black widow and soviet weapon came to an end, back when she was still a young girl. He'd taken note of her skill and training, knowing she was a dangerous weapon against the US. Where others saw criminal he saw potential and made her a deal. She came to utilize her skills to shield and soon earned the trust and respect of her coworkers. She was able to make a new life and new slate for herself, becoming someone better. He respected her privacy, knew of her past and yet believed in her, knowing she would do the right thing. Next to Bucky, he was the only person who truly understood her inside and out. He knew how difficult those words were for her to say, how she had learned to repress her true emotions and remain level headed and rational. The true girl of passionate emotions, conflicted feelings and loyalty buried deep within. How hard it was for her to express her feelings for him, something she only conveyed to him through gestures and touch.
"I love you too doll" Bucky chuckled, he remembered how surprised she had been when he first started calling her pet names, the look on her face was one he would never forget. Most people called her Natasha or Romanoff, only Bucky was allowed to call her Nat, sweetheart or even doll, anyone else would be shot with a death glare and a warning. Ending the call, basking in the residual feelings pouring through him, feeling as though he could move forward, how relieved he would be when this all came to an end. He already felt lighter, all the toxic emotions choking him now replaced with boyish adoration. Remembering he was the luckiest man alive, the worlds deadliest woman by his side who was devoted to him. The weight of all that occurred had been lifted, he felt safe again, balance had been restored.
Sam passed by the door, seeing Bucky hunched over gripping his phone, he knew this trip had been hard on Bucky, facing a past he wanted to put behind him. Visiting Zemo in prison, coping with Walker being a pain in their ass. Working alongside a man he couldn't stand, opening old wounds and moving on from his past. He was coping well and while giving Bucky his space, he intervened when necessary. He'd been quiet all evening, he was spacing out again, something his gut told him was worrying. "You good?" he asked, he'd overheard the phone call and worried it may be his therapist doing an over the phone session between them.
"Nat threatened to kill Zemo for us if he pulls another stunt" Bucky chuckled, he knew Zemo sympathised with him being forcefully transformed into the winter soldier, while hating him for being a super-soldier and an ex avenger. Zemo knew of all of Bucky's personal relationships, including his present ongoing relationship with Natasha. The two were enemies, forceful allies, but shared a sense of respect for the other in their own way.
Sam smiled, folding his arms over his chest, it wasn't often he saw Bucky smile genuinely or feel a positive happiness that wasn't a lie. The guy often wore a mask in front of others to keep a distance, but right now he was being himself. He'd become familiar with Natasha during the events in which he met Hydra and Bucky as their weapon, he'd seen her fight, he knew she was dangerous and a force to be reckoned with. That she had an understanding of Bucky, as well as history with him, she'd fought him while he was working with Hydra, as well as alongside him. He knew of all the effort she had put into protecting humanity, after the snap on earth, when half the population was erased from existence, when she and the remaining avengers and more joined together to undo it. When everyone came back, as if nothing had changed for them, while for those who were left behind it had been at least five years. After Clint sacrificed himself on Vormir for the stone, Natasha losing her best friend. Bucky and Nat had an emotional and tense reunion, Bucky able to remember what he'd done, the life he had as Hydra's right hand, all the interactions he'd known outside of battle. Reflecting on their lives together now that Bucky had his memories back, how he'd somehow showed a softer side to Natasha despite being brainwashed. Repairing their past and their relationship with each other, that Hydra was gone, they couldn't hurt him anymore, that they had a future. Their feelings for each other, their attraction, their bond.
She decided to move to Brooklyn with him, moving from shield to living as a civilian with a private life alongside Bucky. Able to allow Bucky privacy so people wouldn't be able to intrude on his life, giving him protection. She still worked for shield, she still helped Bucky with his missions, they trained together while having fun. She took him to bookstores, sometimes they went to bars, she took him so science museums like the dork he was and sometimes they went dancing. She paid attention to his hobbies and while most people would have teased him, she loved it. She loved seeing him get lost in the pages of a book, brushing his fingertips over the spines like a child at Christmas. She loved him appreciating artifacts and displays, sometimes explaining it to her like the nerd he was. How he preferred slow dancing to the drunken mess of modern bars. She helped him attend therapy and found ways to distract him, sometimes she would wait outside, sometimes she would sit with him on the couch and subtly hold his hand to help relax him. Sometimes she would take him to lunch or coffee afterwards to help give him something to look forward to. She helped him heal in healthy ways, instead of patronising him. She joked about his age and adapt to the modern era the way Steve had, how much he had missed out in the past 70 years. She had helped educate him the same way she had Steve. Introducing him to 60's music due to it being so close to his era, which ended up working out better than Sam's suggestions. They had their issues, their bad days, days where Bucky's mental health, nightmares and more made it hard and he struggled. Days where both felt overwhelmed, exhausted and more. But they were happy together, the way they looked at each other spoke more than words ever could.
They made a cute couple too, complete opposites and yet they worked so well together, making the other better. Even Sam couldn't deny that, though he teased them about being an old married couple, wanting invites to their wedding, and saying he wanted to be godfather to any kids they adopted. But during the events of the flag smashers, things became tense and yet she had stepped up to the plate and taken some tension off his shoulders. With his nephews and sister being at high risk, Karli using them as bait to scare off Sam so he wouldn't interfere with her plans. Natasha left Brooklyn to stay in Delacroix, packing her bags and moving without hesitation, Bucky having called to explain what was happening. She showed up the same day on the doorstep of a very confused but grateful Sarah, promising to keep an eye on them, guarding them with her life. So Karli wouldn't get ballsy enough to try something like that again. "The Dora Milaje and Black Widow? Damn Zemo is collecting a lot of enemies" Sam teased, the guy left trouble in his wake and an endless list of people he got on the wrong side of. He'd seen Natasha hold her own against Bucky before, he knew she was an ex-spy, she was to be wary of, Walker wouldn't even know what hit him.
Bucky got to his feet, previously he would have sat in his room all night reading only leaving his room for sustenance when he needed it. But speaking to Nat he felt like being productive and slightly sociable again. He'd at least be able to tolerate Zemo a little more without wanting to punch the guy in the face. Grabbing a shirt and pulling it over his head, smiling to himself. "She's worried Sam, she misses me…" he trailed off, she'd be showing those small ticks only Nick or himself could recognize when she was on edge. He knew Natasha better than anyone, perhaps even better than Steve and maybe Fury. "…As strong as she is, I'm her weakness, after the mess with Hydra, Zemo, the snap and now this? I don't blame her" he sighed. These past few years they had handled some chaotic shit, the world was adjusting to the damage Thanos caused with the infinity stones. Everyone would be on edge and have that gnawing fear of loss again.
"She loves you man, you have history" Sam replied, he'd read up on it himself and compared their relationship to that of a somewhat more traumatic romeo and Juliet. In the Captain America museum, Bucky's history had been updated to announce he was still alive, his history with Hydra and what happened to him, of the torture he endured and the winter solider program. But more so, his relationship with Natasha, of what they went through, of how they met and their connections. They were lovers during his time with Hydra, though they kept it secret, but were always discovered in some way. No matter how many times his brain was wiped, trying to remove that distraction from both of their minds to deter them from their missions. No matter how many times they repressed his memories, making him a more efficient killing machine. They were drawn to each other, they always ended up together again. He trained her as a weapon, he taught her everything she knew and more, making into a killer like himself, he still fell for her. But after being sent to Wakanda to remove the trigger words, the brainwashing that hydra implanted into him, earning the respect of T'Challa. She'd stayed behind with Steve to watch over him, she'd taken over when Steve was exhausted and needed rest, she'd stayed up with Shuri until she was forced to go to sleep. She'd been there when he woke up, the first person he'd laid eyes on without the combat gear. They'd fought alongside each other, working against Thanos to protect the earth. She'd rushed into his arms once he was brought back from the blip, holding him as if he may shatter like glass. Close to the verge of tears and simply breathing in his scent, imprinting the memory into her brain. Only Bucky had been able to make out her glassy eyes and trembling, but he kept it quiet. Everyone realising they were a couple, they loved each other, an intense, passionate and complicated love that was nonetheless real, they were good for each other. Clint had been surprised but accepting of them, Sam had been surprised but accepting, Steve was lost for words and confused but knew Bucky would have someone else to take over looking out for him.
Bucky chuckled, "I still want to see her kick Walkers ass" he teased, Walker had been throwing his weight around since his arrival. Nullifying Bucky's therapy in order to make him more useful to his missions. Stalking and tracking them while on missions in which he saw as "helping". Upon learning that Bucky and Natasha were dating he became concerned at the threat she posed. He'd been causing problems and being a bully ever since he was handed the shield he was clearly unworthy of, arrogant, entitled and privileged. It would be so satisfying to observe, something that Bucky would look back on and laugh about for decades.
"Bucky" Sam scolded, but there was no mirth in his tone, he was biting back a laugh as an amused smile forming on his lips. Walker had undermined Sam on a number of occasions despite being a previous councilor to ex veterans. He was also a military man himself and had ranks and respect from a number of people without being the falcon. He and Natasha got along pretty well as coworkers and friends, both having respect for each other. Despite trying to be mature towards Walker, he too disliked the guy, imagining it in his head, Natasha Romanoff, a black widow, an ex-soviet spy, shield agent, Walker didn't hold a damn candle to her in comparison. Even Zemo was wary of her, despite him being an ex member of an elite death squad in his country and an official military colonel. He knew that Natasha was a threat to him and he knew better than to get on her bad side. She was the only person capable of matching Bucky in winter soldier mode now that Steve was gone, and had twice. His expression softened to one of sympathy and understanding, he knew this place would open up fresh wounds to Bucky "I promise I'll try to get you home to her soon" Sam pressed. Being home was where Bucky felt safest, where he could disconnect from the missions, the fighting, Natasha just happened to be his.