Chapter Text
Shouto Todoroki
Todoroki couldn’t remember when it all started, and frankly, he didn’t want to remember what unleashed his current situation. However, he could recall his feelings and thoughts that likely welded into a debilitating torrent that tortured his mind.
In every room you walk into, someone is the thinnest, and someone is the bulkiest. I don’t want to be the latter, but I can’t help but want to be the thinnest. It’s not a competition, and I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I can’t help it. When I see others that are blatantly thinner than I am, I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but I feel…uncomfortable. I just want to lose enough weight to be a little bit thinner than they are.
“You gonna eat?” A voice splintered Todoroki’s train of thought that leisurely rolled along the tracks of his merciless memories. “Oi. Shouto.” With furrowed brows, Bakugou peered across the kitchen counter in the common area of the 2-A dormitory to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.
Sighing in the hollow air he’d been submerged in from the recollection of the past, Todoroki nodded. “Yeah,” he replied while putting his phone down and wedging the wonderful yet abhorrent instruments resting before him between his digits to pluck his soba noodles with.
Todoroki started dating Bakugou roughly three months ago, and they advanced their relationship after about a week of dating. When the two began to date, Todoroki had already been in the process of attempting to recover from his eating disorder, but the thought of having a significant other was what truly drove Todoroki to abandon the habits he was admittedly ashamed of; what person would want to be his significant other if he was far more concerned about being thin than them?
I’ve made some decent progress, Todoroki thought to himself while bringing the soba in his chopsticks to his lips, but it’s getting harder and harder to make more progress. I don’t have the motivation I had yesterday, last week, and so forth and so on. But I don’t want him to ever have to know I have a history of purging. He’d think I’m disgusting. Like I only care about myself. I don’t want that. But I’m so tired of this… I’ll make progress one week just to relapse the next because I can’t kill the part of me that clings to wanting to keep my awful habits because of a list that could go on all day. I won’t get anywhere by doing nothing, but I’m so tired of fighting just to choke down some food when I could avoid the problem entirely by not eating anything. I feel like I’m going to gag. I hate this…
“Not feelin’ well or something?” Bakugou asked with lowered brows once Todoroki finally forced himself to swallow down the sickening pool of mush that he’d ground between his teeth.
Todoroki shrugged. “I’ll be fine,” he sighed.
Just eat. You’re pathetic. Stop acting like the world will end if you ingest a single bite of food. You love him, right? Why can’t you just eat for him? That’s all you have to do. Why can’t you do that?
Bakugou glanced around the kitchen for a moment before standing up and rounding the counter to stand beside Todoroki. “You better tell me if you’re ever not fine,” Bakugou sibilated in a growl like a snap of thunder. “Got it?” He splayed his fingers atop Todoroki’s head as though to pick up the latter by the head like a doll.
While slurping down a clump of noodles, Todoroki nodded, and shortly after, Bakugou planted a brief kiss on his cheek. “Then I’d like the same from you,” Todoroki proposed with his cheeks full of soba.
“Deal,” Bakugou snickered. “Got some sauce on your cheek, you chipmunk dumbass.” He licked his thumb and smudged away the small drop of sauce that had splashed onto Todoroki’s cheek. “Cold like you.”
Now go and throw it all up, fatass. “I’m tempted to put hot sauce on your cheek just to lick it off so I can tell you that it’s hot like you,” Todoroki teasingly retaliated while a scalding throb of impulse flared up in his chest and dispersed through his forehead like a smokescreen of intangible fire. “And if I can’t lick it off, I’ll still lick my lips from salivating.” He tilted his head as another wave of burning desire crawled through his body with serrated claws.
Fight all you want, but you’ll keep giving in, so go throw it up before you digest more. The more you wait, the fatter you’ll be. Even though you’re eating fears to one day be immune, you’ll never be immune. You thought you could stop, but you can’t. The impulse comes back again and again until you finally give in. It keeps ringing, ringing, louder and louder… It burns. It shakes your very sternum. It boils your stomach. It gouges through your head. You can’t stop. Admit it. You know what to do, fatass.
Reality seeped through the flames that tore into Todoroki’s mind like a voracious animal. “...cheesy shit,” Bakugou cackled with the roll of his eyes. “But I’m off to bed. Hate ya, damn Icyhot extra.” The rings of crimson in his eyes softened Todoroki’s gaze.
I don’t want to be trapped by this forever. “Katsuki?” Todoroki forced down the frigid lump in his throat and concealed his fidgeting fingers under the counter. “I… Can I sleep in your dorm tonight?” He set his chopsticks down.
I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’m like this at all, Todoroki internally scolded himself while Bakugou nodded with a gruff sigh. I want it to be over. I’m terrified of him finding out, but in the end, I just give up. Why not? Who cares? Just make sure no one notices. Todoroki wrapped his arms around Bakugou. But the more I surrender, the harder it is to stop, and as much as I want to stop, my mind won’t let me. Damn.
Just throw it up. Give it up. The less you vomit the calories you swallow, the more weight you’ll gain. It’ll stack up over time. Look at yourself: you’re fat. You’ve been eating like a pig. Disgusting. Throw it up. Now.
“You gonna let go of me?” Bakugou murmured with a smirk.
“Maybe,” Todoroki yawned. “I’ll get my clothes from my dorm.” Finally, he pried himself from Bakugou’s waist and stood up to his feet.
I’ve been clean for a while now… I don’t want to break my streak yet. I want to throw it up, but I don’t want to exacerbate the wound. But I’m not thin enough. I’m not happy with my weight or my body itself.
While Bakugou trudged off to his dorm, Todoroki disposed of the remaining fourth of the soba in his bowl. He grimaced at how little he’d been eating, but he could never stomach much without feeling like his body would force him to vomit. Even so, he couldn’t help but follow the intrusive thoughts reminding him that if he ate a little less, he’d be a little thinner.
You said it yourself: you’re not thin enough, Todoroki’s mind snarled while he walked towards his dorm, and you’re not happy with your weight or your body. Fix it. So what if you’re starving? You eat too much to starve to death as it is. Your solution is right here. If you’re happy with yourself, maybe you can stop. If you don’t purge, you’ll never be happy with yourself. You know that. You only need to do two things. Two. Isn’t that so much easier than continuing to have this awful, nauseating, pulsing impulse to try and shake off? Just open your mouth an—
I’m not going to. I won’t. I can achieve another day without succumbing. Keep going… But no one would know if I did it just once. Stop. Integrity. I can break this. I can get through this. I won’t. I’m adamant about that. I won’t. But I could. It would make me feel so much better about myself. But… Dammit. There’s a burning ache in my stomach. I want to throw up. My chest feels like the muscles become sharp whenever I think about doing it. My body is urging me to. I want to. But I can’t…
Todoroki gathered a fresh pair of clothing from his closet, but he came to a halt outside his bathroom.
Why not? Katsuki won’t know. What are you waiting for? Throw it up. Then, you don’t have to complain to yourself about how much you hate not being able to purge, about how uncomfortable it is, or about how the urges kill you on the inside. You’re saving yourself so much effort and energy.
Todoroki glanced around his room and stared at the bathroom door for roughly eighteen seconds before biting his lower lip.
Fuck it. Why do I even fight this? I can’t win. It’s not worth trying to fight anymore. I lose. It wins. Fine. Maybe Katsuki won’t notice if I hide it well enough. I’m so tired of constantly being at war with myself over this. I’m tired of feeling guilty when I give in. I’m tired of fighting in a war I’ll never win and still being disappointed in myself for failing to conquer my habits when I know it’s impossible. I won’t bother anymore. I won’t fight it. I give up. I embrace it. Why? I fucking deserve it…