Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Adora stood stone-still atop Bright Moon's walls, a sentry against an enemy that would never come. Hair down, white undershirt on; no jacket, just dressed enough to walk through the halls without shame. She hated it there, far above the comfortable gardens and idyllic scenes of the palace. She hated the cold, hard stone beneath her hands. She hated the broad, open fields giving the castle a clear view of any approach. She hated the towering height that staved off any would-be attackers. And she hated herself for needing it.  

“Hey, Adora.” A familiar voice called from behind her, “Can't sleep?”  

Adora turned to glance at Catra creeping out from the shadows. Catra looked so hale compared to how she was a few short years ago. Her hair had grown back out, and the last echoes of being underfed in the Horde had faded away.  She came out just to chase after Adora. Threw on that cute mauve blouse and her slacks... “Sorry.” she said, “I didn't mean to wake you.”  

“You didn't.” Catra perched on a nearby rail post. “I can't sleep either.” Adora knew something was wrong just from her uneven tone, but Catra struck first. “You okay?”  

“... yeah. I'm fine.”  

Catra scoffed. An amateurish demonstration to a  real  professional. “Even if you weren't a terrible liar, that's probably the least convincing thing you could've said.” she said, “C'mon, Adora. Trust me.”  

The stiffness in her shoulders drooped to the burden of her girlfriend's sweet concern. “It's stupid...” she muttered.  

“It's not. It's keeping you up.”  

“I don't want to-”  

“Adora!” Catra groaned. “Please, I hate doing this whole dance. Let's just say I asked for an hour and you deflected for an hour. Okay?”  

She half-smiled, relief and affection in those bright blue eyes. “You're impossible.”  

“Impossible to shake, maybe.” She hopped down from the railing with a smirk and a hand on her hip, standing next to Adora. “So tell me – what's eating you?”  

Catra's hair in the nighttime breeze was wild and free. So much like how it used to be, when they were senior cadets in the Horde. It filled Adora's heart with even more pain, and a strange nostalgia. She sighed with the weight of the world on her shoulders. “Sometimes I just get this feeling like...” She looked away, out over the battlements, gaze distant and unfocused. “... like waiting before a siege or a battle. Just... waiting for that attack. Like there are enemies all around and I have to be here. If I'm not, I'm gonna miss the assault and everything will just fall apart.” She smiled at Catra, but it was half-hearted. “See? Stupid.”  

Catra cupped her cheek and shook her head. Then she hugged Adora, even as the blonde's gaze redirected towards the horizon again. “It's not stupid, Adora.” she whispered. “We spent way too much time expecting that. Most of our lives.”  

A stupid, juvenile smirk snuck onto Adora's face as she realized Catra wasn't wearing a bra. She giggled, hoping to sway the conversation away from a serious discussion of their trauma. “Yeah, but you don't come out here to stare at the most peaceful place in the most peaceful planet in the universe to ward off the nonexistent Horde.”  

“Adora...” Catra said, “I changed my mind. You are  so  stupid.” She looked up at Adora with a hint of annoyance. “Out of all the times you've had to cool me off from tearing a hole in the wall and running as far as my legs can take me, you think I'm not freaking out over what we've been through? Did you think I just ate some bad catnip? And then decide to tell me war stories to calm me down?” Obviously, Adora had always been there for her, always seemed to know the right words to say. Catra didn't have that gift of easy authenticity, but she still had cunning and passion. Her tone softened. “I'm right here in the battle with you, Adora.”  

“That's different.” Adora said.  

Some amount of aggravation entered her voice. Adora always had to be specially suffering, self-sacrificing, uniquely burdened. “C'mon, Adora... how's it different?”  

“You get that way when something happens. This is just... nothing at all.” She shook her head. “Just me ruining everything-”  

“Stop.” Catra's tone brooked no opposition. “Stop. Right there.” she said. “You aren't going down that path. Okay?” Her voice, though thick with emotion, took on a demanding and impatient tone as Adora failed to answer. “ Okay , Adora?” Her tail swished back and forth in agitation.  

“Okay.” Adora agreed, voice just above a whisper.  

“You aren't ruining anything. You're the reason we have any of this. You're the reason  any  of us are still alive.” Catra cursed herself internally. Her first instinct was always fight or flight, but she knew neither of those would help Adora. Her fingers turned to trace circles just under her shoulder blades. “It's okay to have hard moments.” she said, softening her tone. “I want to help, Adora. More than anything. I love you.”  

“I know, I know... I love you too, Catra... I just... I always...” Adora gritted her teeth and closed her eyes. “Why am I still fighting, Catra?” she blurted out, “I don't want to fight anymore... I don't have to. So why do I... I...” Her voice was impossibly weak. Nothing like the Adora everyone else saw. Nothing like the Adora she wanted to be. “Why do I have to...?” Her voice guttered like a dying flame. “I thought the point of all of this was so we didn't have to fight anymore... so we could get away from all the craziness...”  

A peaceful silence passed. Well, if not peaceful, less than tense. More peaceful than marinating in their turmoil separately. After a time, Catra spoke up. “I know what you mean.” she said quietly. “I always had to fight for my life. Shadow Weaver, Hordak, Horde Prime... now I finally don't have to, and it's like...” Catra's voice trailed off. She didn't have the words for it. Not on her own. Nothing she thought of sounded right in her own voice.  

Adora provided the idiom for her barefooted girlfriend. “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  

“Yeah.” Catra said weakly. “It always feels like I'm going to wake up and I'm gonna be locked up in a cell, and all of this was just a dream.” She sighed. “I wasn't ever scared of fighting. I was always scared of losing. But if you don't fight, you lose. So since I'm not fighting right now, I'm just waiting to lose. But I know that's stupid. I've won. I've  won.  And I don't want my past coming in and messing with my head!” Her voice rose to a forlorn crescendo, and then faded to silence. Quieter, she said into Adora's chest, “I don't know what you feel perfectly, Adora. But please... don't shut me out.” She looked up at Adora, her face framed beautifully against the stars, even with that sad, serious look. “I'm not some fragile, wide-eyed innocent.”  

Adora smiled, just a little. “You've never been fragile. Or innocent.”  

“Shut up.” Catra butted her head against Adora's collarbone gently. Her hands wandered up to play with Adora's loose blonde hair. It always calmed her, feeling Catra's hands running through her locks. “You can tell me anything, Adora. I've told you way worse, I promise.”  

“It's stupid.” Adora muttered. “I'm stupid.”  

“I'm the same way, Adora.” Catra said. “I mean, that's why I'm up now. It's been years.” Catra said, “But I still feel like I'm gonna look up one night and just see...” She motioned vaguely at the stars.  

“You won't.” Adora said firmly. “He's gone. Forever. We made sure of that.”  

“I know.” She tightened her grip around Adora, using her warmth and her comfort and her easy confidence to ground herself in the moment. “But it doesn't stop me from feeling like it's right around the corner.” She looked up at Adora and raised a challenging eyebrow. “So, Princess... you calling me stupid too?”  

“Maybe. We  are  pretty dumb.”  

“Psh. Speak for yourself.” Catra chuckled at her big, dumb, perfect girlfriend. “For real, Adora... you aren't alone. Even if I didn't know what it's like to constant visit the worst parts of my past, you aren't alone. I mean, yeah, Bow and Glimmer are there too, but... I'm always here for you, Adora. Even if you  do  have something I don't understand, I am  always  here. Okay?” She whispered next to her ear, with all the tenderness and sincerity of a childhood promise, “Nothing bad can really happen as long as we have each other. Remember?”  

“Always.” Adora kissed Catra's head. “I promise.”  

Catra couldn't fight her purr from rumbling out, steady and contented at hearing Adora say that for the millionth time. It never got old, not for Catra. “Alright. You aren't getting out of this.” she said, “I opened up, dummy. You gotta let me in, at least a little.” A long silence stretched. For a few moments, Catra was afraid she put too much pressure on her. She backtracked quickly. “If you wanna talk some other time, that's cool. I just don't want you to clam up because-”  

“No.” Adora said quietly. “No. You're right. I can't shut you out.” She sighed. “I only kept it from you because I didn't want to bring it up at all.”  

Catra laughed. “Why do we suck at communicating so much?”  

“We weren't ever given the words we needed to say what we felt.” Adora said, “We just got thrown into it.”  

Her tail curled around Adora's leg for warmth. “Another 'thank you' to our horrible childhood.” Catra said, with more levity than she felt.  

Adora quivered in Catra's arms. “I wish I could just erase years of my life...” she whimpered. “I don't want anything out of what happened... I just want to be here. Now. Why can't I just be here? Why do I have to keep going back?” Catra felt Adora’s arms tighten around her, and her heart broke. “I have it... I finally have what I've always wanted... what I didn't even know I wanted... more than anything... and...” She coughed out a sob.  

“You're gonna be okay, Adora...” Catra whispered, “It's over now.”  

“ I  was always okay. I had She-Ra to help me through the scariest moments of the war.” Adora said, “I guess I kind of felt invincible. What always scared me was that I couldn't do enough. I wouldn't be fast enough or strong enough and then...” She swallowed hard, unable to look at Catra. “If I don't come out here... it's like I'm going to miss someone coming up on us. And then I'll lose everyone. Bow. Glimmer. Melog.” Her breaths came quick and shallow as she said, “You.” She looked up at Catra, tears in her eyes, teeth gritted, making every effort not to lose control. Her voice trembled into a shrill whisper. “If I lost you again...”  

Catra pushed her forehead against Adora's, holding her head in her hands. “You're not gonna lose me.” She smiled weakly. “I've never been fragile or innocent, remember? I can take care of myself.”  

Adora shook again, and not because of the cold, her whole body betraying her. “I know, I know... but...”  

“It doesn't stop you from feeling that way.” Catra affirmed, letting her know with a gentle nuzzle that Adora didn't have to explain herself further. A comfortable silence passed between them. “I know the feeling, Adora. You don't have to hide it from me.”  

“... then you have to stop hiding it from me.”  

“... idiot...” Catra muttered, “I try to do something nice and this is what I get...?”  

“Something nice in return.” Adora teased. Then, in a lower, more serious tone, “I know it's not pleasant to bring up, but... I wanna be there for you too.” More silence. “If it helps you open up, don't forget it makes me feel better, being there for you.” She smiled, weakly but warmly. “Being a good girlfriend.”  

“You're such a people pleaser...” Catra groused. But worst of all, she knew it was true. Opening up did make Adora feel better. She  liked  taking on other people's burdens, the freak.  

“Just... come to me next time you feel that way, okay?” She kissed Catra on the head. “And I'll do the same.” Catra purred into her, and she held her close to her body, grateful for her warmth against the wind. “Catra...” she eventually said, with quiet calm, “... you said you couldn't sleep either.”  

Catra groaned. “Why do you have to have a good memory?” Adora’s silence was almost more insistent than words. Catra couldn’t resist it – not for long, at least. “I-I just...” She closed her mouth, wishing she hadn’t said anything and put it off a few minutes longer. “It's like I said... I'm not a fragile, wide-eyed innocent, y'know?” she said, her voice already weak and hoarse with the thoughts that haunted her. “I've... I've done things. I've hurt people. I've hurt you.” She flinched involuntarily at invoking those memories so...  seriously.  They were much easier to deal with when she joked about it. “More times than I can count. And-and I know I'm try ing to make up for it, and... but...” Rage and pain and frustration came rushing out of her. “I don't feel any different, Adora!” she snarled through gritted teeth, pressed to Adora like she was the one safe haven in a tempest-tossed sea. “Bow came up behind me the other day and tapped me on the shoulder. I almost tore his face off!” she cried, “I wasn't angry or upset because he did, it's just... he's done it so many times before, I... it shouldn't have been  anything , Adora! But it was! I was under attack again, I was fighting enemies on every side, I was Force Captain Catra!” She looked up at Adora, tears of anger and frustration filling her eyes. “ He  apologized to  me , and I got so  angry  at him for saying sorry...” Tears ran down her cheeks in streams, unable to be dammed by any amount of fury. Her eyes were desperate and lost and pleading. “Why does he get to be at peace, Adora? Why am I not happy for him? He's my friend!” Adora couldn't hold back her gasped sob. It hurt her so much to hear Catra in pain. To not be able to do anything but stand there and hold her to help. “Why do I always want to hurt everyone I care about? Why am I like this? I get it,” Catra cried, burying her head into Adora's shoulder. “I deserve the  guilt ! I'll take all of it!” Her grasp tightened around Adora's white undershirt, clinging desperately to her for salvation. She pressed into Adora, burrowing herself as deep in her love as she could, knowing it still wasn't deep enough to shelter her from her own thoughts. Her voice dropped to a defeated whimper, just begging for mercy from an uncaring universe. “But do I really have to keep fighting...? Like the war never ended...?”  

“You don't deserve the guilt.” Adora let out the sob she had been holding in to let Catra vent, and buried her face in Catra's hair. “And you don't deserve this. Neither of us do.” She kissed the top of her head and scratched her twitching ears to calm her. Knowing when she needed to calm down, and when she (emotionally) needed not to calm down was a matter of fine judgment. Feeling Catra's muscles uncoil in her arms... Adora felt relieved that she made the right choice. Feeling Catra calm calmed her frayed nerves. At least a little bit.  

The tears ran freely, and the words dried up. Catra's ears twitched in gentle delight as Adora's hand scratched just at their base. “What a messed up pair we make, huh?” Catra murmured into her girlfriend's firm, warm body.  

Adora smiled softly. “I wouldn't trade us for the universe.”  

Catra knew she meant it. In the cutting cold nighttime winds, that was what truly gave her warmth. She nuzzled into Adora's collarbone and wrapped her arms tight around her.  

“Let's go back to bed.” Adora whispered. “Are you ready?”  

“... yeah. Yeah, I think I am.” She still felt worn and tense, but... safer. Not so alone in her own head.  

In their room, their warmth still lingered on the blankets; a welcome reprieve from the frigid night winds. Adora's hand curled around her's as she pulled Catra against her and nestled her nose in her rough, wild hair.  

They didn't sleep at all that night. They couldn't heal each other. But they could stand by one another, and share in their struggles.  

That made everything just a little more... bearable.  

Chapter Text

“What right do you have to give us orders?” 

“Uh, because I'm the one who knows how to do this?” Catra said, annoyed at the rube. She'd come all the way out to this backwoods village to help them, and this was the reception she got? “Look, I've got a royal charter...” 

“I don't care what you got. You're Horde scum, and I ain't gonna listen to a murderer!” 

Horde scum. It wasn't quite as affectionate coming from someone other than Glimmer. Catra grimaced. These people were so stubborn. It didn’t matter that she was there to help. They wanted to dig up old grievances and hurt themselves in the process. She wondered how the morons got through the day without forgetting how to breath. “Fine, don’t listen to me. But I’m still here to chart out the project, and that’s what I’m gonna do.” 

A crowd had gathered around her of more than just the workmen who were supposed to be helping her with the job instead of making it harder. The whispers were beginning. Whispers about why she went free after so many had suffered because of her. 'She-Ra' was the hissed imputation. Friends in high places. Lovers, even.  

One woman burst from the throng, finger pointed in accusation. “My son is gone because of you! You took him from me!” 

Catra blanched and took an unsteady step back. A bad choice. “Uh, lady, I think you've got the wrong-” 

“No. She's right. I remember you, giving orders to the Horde's tanks. Laughing about them plowing through here and taking everything we had to give, and then some.” One of the workers stepped in. “My daughter went hungry that winter, cuz of you. And that same winter, I had to...” He gritted his teeth together, pain and hate in his eyes. “You're scum, I don't care what you do now.” 

Suddenly, it seemed like everyone had a grievance against her. The crowd closed in around her, pointing and shouting and flinging the most vile invective imaginable. She was trapped. There was nowhere to run anymore. No egress. One of the crowd shoved her roughly. “Hey, stop-” She backed up into another screaming face, their words incoherent and hateful. “You've got to-” She flailed backwards, trying to get enough space to breathe, her eyes tracking from face to angry face without truly settling on any of them. “I wasn’t-” She felt dizzy and sick; the chaos of the whole situation brought to mind nothing so much as so many battles years before. “Get out of my-!” She pushed away from the enclosing crowd, gaze scanning from side to side too fast to truly process anything, feverish and unfocused. They shouted accusations, one after another. Catra's head pounded; the ocean murmured in her ears, followed by a rising pitch to shatter glass. “S-shut up!” Her voice raised to a desperate screech. “Shut up!” A cornered animal, hemmed in by a pack of baying hounds. Her hands went to her ears, her eyes wild, looking down at the cobblestone road, trying to block out the outside world. It didn’t help. Their condemnations bubbled up in her soul, and boiled over with searing turmoil. Lost to reason, acting only on desperation and terror and  helplessness,  she wailed to the sky, “SHUT UP!” 

***** 

“Catra!” Adora had rushed to the town with Swift Wind as soon as she heard there was a problem. Finding out when she arrived that the problem was  with  Catra rather than  because  of her washed away her annoyance with pure, unadulterated panic. Catra was laying in bed, turned away from the door, long hair untied and loose, her quiet sobbing the only ambiance to the room. Adora rushed over to her. “Are you okay? Did they hurt you?” Adora didn't know what she would do if they'd hurt Catra. She resolved to have a nervous breakdown if they did, since every other course of action she could think of ended with her hating herself. 

Catra pushed herself up from the bed, begging the tears to stop streaming down her face, a sleeve in position to dry them as she spoke with unsteady voice. “I'm fine! I'm fine!” she screeched, looking the exact opposite of fine. 

“You're not fine!” Adora sat on the bed next to her, all kindness and concern. “Catra, you're crying.” 

“Then why did you even ask?” Catra snapped. “You already know, apparently! Thanks for telling me how I feel!” 

Adora drew back, a little off-balance from the sudden outburst. Quietly, she said, “I didn't mean it like that, Catra.” 

“Here to save the day again, Adora.” Catra snarled, channeling her anguish into rage, “Why couldn't you just leave this to me?” 

Now Adora felt her own temper flare. “I was told there was a problem! I didn't find out it was  about  you until I got here!” 

Catra rolled over to face away from Adora. “Well, good. Now you can leave, since there's nothing you can fix, She-Ra.” she spat out that last word with the kind of venom she used back in her days with the Horde. 

Adora hesitated before snapping again. Catra was always acrid and cynical, but the kind of destructive spiral of pushing people away and lashing out at whoever was closest was something that only resurfaced when she was  really  shaken. She had gotten so good at dealing with her emotions in a (more) healthy manner the past three years... Adora was proud of her. And because of that, Adora bit her tongue harder than normal. “I'm not trying to fix you, Catra.” she said, all gentleness and empathy, “I just want to help.” 

“I don't need help being trash.” she muttered with anger over a suppressed sob, “I can do that on my own.” 

“Catra, you're not-” 

“Just stop!” She twisted around again, eyes wild and angry. “I'm not some fragile doll you have to protect, Adora! I don't need you telling me what I should be thinking! If I wanted that, I would’ve went back to Horde Prime!” She slammed herself back onto the bed in a huff. 

Silence. Catra wasn't too stubborn to look back at Adora's face. She was too scared. Too scared to see how deeply she had hurt her. Or that she had made Adora realize what a mistake staying with her was. Too scared to face the consequences of her actions. Like always. Adora's weight lifted from the bed, and Catra's heart jumped down into her stomach. She always drove people away, didn't she? That was all she was good at. Even something as loving as trying to comfort her wasn't enough to stop her from lashing out. Catra gritted her teeth together, determined not to start sobbing again until Adora had closed the door. But Adora's body entered the edge of her vision, and she sat down on the side of the bed nearest Catra. “I know.” Adora said quietly. “And I'm sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” Catra snapped again, unable to restrain her unhealthy coping mechanisms. “You didn't do anything! I'm the one in the wrong!” 

Adora put her hands on her own knees and stared at the floor. “Because you're hurt and I'm not putting you first.” 

Frustration and fear bubbled up into her throat. Catra tried to push it down with anger. “What are you talking about? You came in here and immediately started trying to-” 

“To make myself feel better.” Adora said, her soft voice cutting right through all of Catra’s rage. “You're right. You've always been right. I like to play the hero. It makes me feel useful. It makes me feel... strong. It makes me feel good.” Adora looked over at Catra, blue eyes awash with a somber kindness. “But in the end, that's all for me. I came in here wanting to protect you because that's what makes me feel safe. Catra...” She caressed her cheek, her expression warm and concerned and so very  open.  “Please... tell me what  you  need.” Catra's lip quivered, and her heterochromatic eyes filled with helpless affection and heart-rending vulnerability. “If it's space... I'll leave until you're ready, I promise.” 

Catra blinked. First in surprise, then to fight down a fresh wave of tears. She thought she didn't have enough left for another outburst of misery. She supposed she was wrong, again. She furrowed her brow and looked away. “Ugh. I need you to stop being so self-aware and serious.” she grumbled as she laid back down, facing away from Adora. 

“Okay.” Adora said softly. Then, she lit up with a sudden enthusiasm. “I've got it!” She jumped up from the bed and sprung for the door. “I'll be right back! Don't go anywhere!” 

“Wasn't planning on it.” Catra muttered. 

Catra curled up on the bed. She felt unseasonally cold. A few minutes passed. Then, a familiar scent. Her nose twitched. She knew that smell. Adora nudged open the door with her shoulder, a tray of piping hot baked goods in her arms. “Cookies!” Adora beamed, “Chocolate chip! I know sugar are your favorite, but the bakery only had these ready and I didn't want to wait.” 

“Adora...” Catra lifted her head from the bed, dumbfounded. “... you dummy...” She smiled so very weakly at her beautiful, perfect idiot as she sat down beside her and uncovered the tray. 

They ate in silence – which Catra considered better than hearing the echoes of her own sobs, or Adora trying to comfort her. Both made her feel more weak, more pathetic, more worthless than ever. Silence was just... silence. 

Adora just smiled at her as they ate, natural and authentic and sweet. Sweeter than the cookies. Not even trying to make her feel better. Adora just... was happy. Happy to be with her. It always made Catra feel less pathetic. Adora... appreciated her. Loved her. She had the same effect on Adora that Adora had on her. Whereas Catra tried to fight that overwhelming tide of bliss and contentment, even years after she’d stopped denying it, Adora just let it shine out of her, more radiant than She-Ra. She made Catra comfortable with it. Knowing that she wasn’t Adora’s pet. She was her... girlfriend. 

Adora wordlessly brushed a loose strand of hair out of Catra's face. She always loved how Catra... well, she loved how Catra looked in every possible configuration. But she loved Catra with her hair loose and messy, roughly brushed back out of her face like she'd just woken up. Catra liked the look too, to be honest, but she felt like it made her look too sinister. She looked sinister enough without help from her hair. 

It wasn't the baked goods which lifted some of the weight from Catra's heart. It was that simple, genuine affection and consideration from Adora. She was so innocent, even after all this time. She'd learned so much, but at heart, she was still the same stubborn little girl Catra knew as a cadet. Little Adora would be proud of Big Adora, once she got past the whole 'Princess good, Horde bad' thing. Little Catra, on the other hand... 

Little Catra would be scared of what she would become. Shadow Weaver with claws. Was that really something she could just... come back from? 

Adora sitting there kept her mind from ruminating too much. Knowing Adora was there always brought her thoughts back to the present, back to Adora. How beautiful and perfect and annoying she was. Her Adora. Sometimes it hardly seemed real. Certainly not when Catra's every flaw was on display and Adora's only response was to offer her unconditional affection. Gnawing on a cookie, unable to wholly hold onto her ill mood, Catra murmured without looking at Adora, “Why are you so perfect?” 

“I'm not.” Adora kissed Catra's head. “But I love that you love me so much you think that.” 

Catra nudged her with her shoulder. “Don't read too much into it. It's not like I like you or anything.” 

Adora giggled and wrapped an arm around her. “Of course not. That would be  so  embarrassing for you.” 

“You're such a dweeb.” 

“I'm your dweeb.” 

Catra hated how her purring betrayed her. She wasn't even conscious of it most of the time. But as long as it was betraying her, she figured there was no harm in leaning into it. She laid her head in Adora's lap. That was the absolute best position to be in. Adora was so warm and comfy and loving... and her hands were right there to run through her hair, stroke her side, scratch behind her ears... 

She honestly didn't want to talk about her incident. Not when she was almost feeling good about herself in Adora's lap. 

So they didn't. They laid there together, passing only a few, meaningless, idle conversations with each other. Adora knew how to give her space, give her time, give her agency. Catra hated that that made her want to open up. Wasn't the point of steering Adora away from talking about Catra's problems that she wouldn't have to? She felt just as self-defeating as ever. 

Catra stared at the wall. It was so much easier being weak when she didn't have to see how much Adora loved a wreck like her even in her sorriest episodes. “Adora...” she rasped quietly, apropos nothing. “they have every right to be mad at me.” Adora's hand froze. Waiting. Giving her room. “I did to them what...” Catra’s voice caught in her throat. “... what the Horde did to us.” 

“No.” Her hand went to stroke Catra's hair again. “You did a lot of things, Catra. I won't defend them. But what the Horde did to us...” Adora shook her head. “It's more than just throwing us into a war we never had a stake in. It was Shadow Weaver. It was Hordak. It was our entire time as cadets.” Her voice was soft, but not coddling. Sincere. “Nothing you have done compares to that.” 

Catra laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Uh, I did try to destroy the world just to one-up you.” 

“... no lasting consequence compares.” Adora corrected herself. 

Catra scoffed. That seemed remarkably callous for Adora. “Sparkles might disagree.” 

Silence again. Catra knew she had struck too deep. That Adora would hate her now, that she'd realize what a spiteful, worthless, evil piece of trash- “Angella was always kind to me. She was... more of a mother to me than Shadow Weaver ever was to us. She didn’t have to take me in, but she did. She took me in as Adora, not She-Ra. Uh, after the whole initial ‘No trust for a Horde soldier’ thing.” Adora sighed, heavy with the burden of perspective. “The Horde ruined us. It made us, and who knows how many others, into broken messes just to fight their stupid war.” She stroked Catra's cheek so gently it made her want to start crying again. “I miss Angella. But losing her isn't the same as breaking generations of children to feed a horrible war machine.” she said quietly, “You aren't Hordak. You aren't Shadow Weaver.” 

“Hordak got the same treatment as me, didn't he?” she whimpered, “We just... walked free. After everything.” 

Adora stiffened at the memory. Hordak going free was... not her first choice. But Glimmer, of all people, made the case for clemency. She knew more than most what it was to be drawn into a cycle of desperation, trying to prove oneself and live up to expectations constructed on a foundation of illusions and paranoia. Glimmer’s word was not quite law – but it carried enough weight to earn the other princesses’ begrudging agreement. Everyone was relieved when Hordak announced he would go into a self-imposed exile on Beast Island – though with Entrapta’s research station there, it was no longer the death sentence it once was. Adora said softly, “We have to move on. Or we just start the cycle of conflict all over again.” 

Her voice was thick with tears again. She hated that no matter how much she cried, she always seemed to have more. “Some people didn't get the luxury of moving on. Because of me.” 

“Catra...” 

“What? It's true!” she cried out, pushing herself up out of Adora's lap. Guilt and fear filled her eyes, pupils shrunk to despondent dots, finally turning to face her savior. “You know it's true. I...” She shut her mouth and studied her for a moment.  “Adora... what if it was me who died? What if someone out there killed me? Could you forgive them?” She looked at her, and her heart  hurt  for how much she loved Adora. She steeled her jaw and said quietly, with fear and shaking, lurking rage, “If you were killed... I couldn't forgive who did it. Not ever.” 

Adora pursed her lips. Forgiveness would not be in her vocabulary for someone who took Catra away from her again. She really didn't want to think about that. If someone killed Catra, Adora would... she shook her head to wash away the flood of blind wrath which bubbled up from her gut. “You fought a war. You fought it on the wrong side. That is all you are guilty of. You are not responsible for every casualty people put at your feet. Please, stop beating yourself up over it!” Adora knew that last sentence was the wrong thing to say as soon as it came out of her mouth. This wasn't the first time they'd had this song and dance. Her frustration just boiled over, and spilled out before she thought to stop it. 

Catra bristled, but offered no immediate reply. She just sat up straighter, stiffer, put her hands on her knees. 

This is where their fights would end, under normal circumstances. Catra no longer expressed herself through murderous rage, but sullen silence was still not wholly out of her repertoire. 

A few years ago, she would have burned the whole town if she’d heard someone try to tell her what to feel. She’d’ve laughed and made her sadness into her greatest joy, just to spite them. Even if it killed her on the inside. She’d never let anyone take away  her  choice. Even if the only thing she could choose was destroying herself. 

The urge to self-destruct and take everyone with her was less fierce, and since Adora was there, sweet, stupid Adora, less appealing. She even let go of the 'Please, stop beating yourself up over it', as much as it stuck in her craw. She was trying to be a better person. Every day, every week, every month, every year. Even if sometimes it felt hopeless. 

Adora spoke up again, seeking to correct herself. “Catra, I just...” Adora searched for the right words, more carefully this time. “I don't want you to suffer.” 

“I know.” Catra put her head on Adora's shoulder. She hated seeing Adora worry about her. That was probably what cut through the ice and distance from her self-loathing more than anything – knowing it would upset Adora. Knowing it would make her suffer. She never wanted to hurt Adora ever again. She'd had enough of that for a lifetime. 

Adora coaxed Catra to lay back onto the bed, and rested Catra's head on her chest. She knew that always calmed her, hearing Adora's heart beat next to her cute, twitching ear. Of all the little things Catra loved, that was the one that brought her the most happiness. Knowing Adora was... there... with her. Alive. 

Alive... 

“Do you think Angella is...” Catra hesitated. Should she really even bring it up? She supposed she kind of already had. “... dead? In that other dimension?” 

“I have no clue.” Adora admitted. “If anyone would know, it would be Entrapta. I think she's spoken to Micah about it, but...” Adora hemmed and hawed. “... it's not really a topic I want to bring up. Especially if...” Her voice trailed off. 

“If there's nothing Entrapta can do.” 

“If there is, she'll tell us how we can help.” Adora said. “You know Entrapta.” 

“The world is her guinea pig.” Catra said dryly. Another pause. “Glimmer should hate me.” Catra’s voice cracked. “Why did she forgive me?” 

“You'd have to ask her. But if I had to guess...” Adora’s hand wrapped around her's. “... because she knows that no amount of hating yourself or being hated by others can undo mistakes.” 

“She has every right to hate me. But she doesn't. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her, every time I talk to her, every time I jab her or tease her...” Adora kissed her head and stroked her hair gently. Let her vent her insecurities. Show them to the light of day. Light purified. Darkness festered. “These people should hate me. They're right to hate me.” Catra said, “So why do I feel so...” She clenched her fists. 

“Do you remember that planet we visited near the end of our road trip? The one that threw rocks at me when I showed them She-Ra?” 

“That was different.” Catra said, “You took out a galactic dictator, not some peaceful backwater village.” 

“By destroying Horde Prime, that planet descended into chaos. You saw it when we got there.” Adora put her head against the backrest. “People died. Because of me. And people hated me.” Her eyes unfocused at the ceiling as she reminisced on the whole miserable affair. “I wanted to hate them back. For being so stupid and short-sighted. I did hate them. But... they had a right to hate me.” Catra’s ears pinned to her head. She knew she had some part in that. Adora was ready to turn all that hate inward, but Catra... Catra had a talent for drawing out the anger in people. In Adora. Catra hoped that, just for once, that was for the best. “I knew they had every right. But that didn't make it easier.” Adora continued. “I don't think it's about whether it's correct or incorrect. Hate breeds hate. That's all it can do. All we can do is turn away from it.” She kissed Catra’s head tenderly. “I'm proud of you.” 

“For running and having a nervous breakdown?” Catra's tone was positively acidic. “Gee, thanks, Adora, I'm glad you think so highly of me.” 

Adora bit her tongue. Even through three years of developed wisdom and maturity, Catra was still a steel trap with a hair-trigger. Adora took a deep breath, and counted down from ten, like Perfuma taught her. “Yes, Catra. For running and having a nervous breakdown.” she said evenly. “You took the harder path. It's much easier to lash out.” 

Catra stiffened up after hearing that, and then the fight slowly drained from her shoulders. Her ears twitched, then flattened against her head. “Like I just did.” Catra groaned, putting her head in her hands. She felt so helpless. Trapped by her own trauma. She ground her teeth together in frustration. “I haven't changed at all.” 

“Are you kidding?” Adora curled around her in a protective embrace. “Catra, you've changed so much these past few years.” she said, her tone soft, but with a hint of playfulness. “You're still  my  Catra... the same doofus who freaked out at mice and showed up late to every evaluation... but you're so much more collected now. You've matured. You've grown up. And I've grown up too.” She kissed her head through her rough, wild mane. “We're better than we were. We're less broken.” 

Catra squirmed out of Adora's grasp and sat on the edge of the bed. “Less broken. Not not broken.” 

“Yeah.” Adora propped herself up on an elbow and dangled a leg off the mattress. “I guess we'll never really be not broken. It's just part of who we are now.” 

“Guess that's what I have to offer. Broken girl breaking others.” 

“You've done more good than bad, Catra. You've saved more lives than you've... damaged.” 

“Stop lying to make me feel better.” Catra threw herself back down on the bed and buried her face in a pillow. “Or worse. Stop deluding yourself to make me feel better.” 

Adora touched her back gently. Catra hated how much that made her want to acquiesce to everything Adora told her. “You saved the whole universe. Isn't that worth something?” 

“She-Ra saved the universe.” she murmured, voice muffled by the pillow. “You saved the universe.” 

Adora laid down next to her, taking her hand and entwining their fingers. Catra's gaze was irresistibly pulled from the pillow to Adora, her own anxious reluctance no match for that simple personal magnetism. She had a gentle and adoring smile meet her. “And you saved me. Team effort.” 

What an Adora thing to say. Incredibly stupid. Catra blushed at her stupid sincerity and her stupid face and all of her stupid heartfelt affection. “I love you so much...” she choked out. 

“I love you too.” She took Catra in her arms and let her bury herself in her soft body, taking refuge in the one person who would never let her down. No matter how much she deserved it. “Thank you, Catra. For opening up.” 

Catra sniffled. “It's just for you, dummy...” 

“We can go home, you know. Or go to some other village that needs help.” Adora said, “Someone else can handle this place...” 

“No.” Catra said. “I'm not gonna help just the people who forgive me. That's not what this is about.” Adora was the one person she felt like she could be completely honest with. Who knew all of her foibles and flaws and loved her anyway. Even Bow and Glimmer, whom Catra had become closer to than she would ever admit, never saw the dark musings she willingly revealed to Adora. “I don't really care about them. I mean, if they want to keep starving and scratching the dirt, what's it matter to me? But I don't like who I was. What I did. I can't undo it. But I have a chance to...” She sighed. “I don't know. Make it more even.” 

Catra wasn't a selfless person. She never would be. And that was okay. Adora kissed her head and pulled her against her heart, stroking her hair all the while. 

“Adora...” she whispered, “Please. Protect me.” 

“Catra...” 

“Not because I need it.” she said. “Because I want to make you feel safe. I want to make you feel happy.” Her voice was hoarse and weak with emotion. “That's what I need. More than anything. Okay?” 

“Okay.” Adora said quietly. “As long as you're with me, Catra... I'll be happy. And as long as you're safe, I'll be safe.” 

Catra buried herself in the warmth of Adora's neck. “You promise?” 

Adora gave her a little scratch behind her ears, and settled in for the long haul. “I promise.” 

Chapter Text

Adora had positively brutalized the training dummy. Blood ran through her fingers and down the staff as she gasped for breath, sweat pouring down her face and body. The whole panoply would need to be replaced in the morning. Adora didn't care. By the moonlight, no one could see her fury. No one could see her fear. No one could see her falling apart.  

Except for... “Adora... we talked about this.” Catra’s voice rose unexpectedly behind her.  

“We talk about a lot of things...” Adora said flatly, refusing to acknowledge Catra with so much as an aside glance. “... that doesn't make them better...”  

Catra sighed and pulled herself up on the railing to sit. “Don't make me the 'Be open with yourself' one. I hate being that one.”  

Adora half-laughed through her panting. “I'm not thrilled... when I have to play that either...”  

“Yeah, well, you're still better at it.” Catra tore off a twig from a nearby bush and threw it at her head playfully. “I'm not good at this, Adora. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but dealing with problems head-on isn’t really what I do.”  

“... it doesn’t matter...” Adora huffed. “... cuz there’s not a problem... I’m solving it...”  

“Uh-huh.” Catra said, not buying that for a moment. “You gonna batter that thing all night, Adora?”  

“Just... working off stress... staying strong...”  

“Yeah, I’m sure tearing your muscles apart makes you real strong.” Catra sighed. “C’mon, Adora. At least sit down with me. You sound like your lungs are about to collapse.”   

Adora coughed and wheezed before she could object, and reluctantly stumbled back against the fence. There wasn’t much point in denying it when she could hardly breathe. Catra didn’t try to pry further, at least not immediately. She just let her catch her breath. They sat there in silence, Catra’s arm wrapped around her waist, not tight, but firm enough that she could cling on if Adora tried to escape.  

Catra's touch was always so soft, so light, like a kitten’s fur. Scratch that, her  caring  touches were soft and light. Her “We are literally at war” and “I don't know who you are but you just put your hand on my shoulder when I can't see or hear or smell you” touches were less so. Bow had learned the hard way to be cautious about accidentally sneaking up on her during allergy season. All that Horde training about escaping from a surprise abduction paid off, unfortunately for Bow. He spent the rest of the day groaning and proclaiming he was dying despite Glimmer telling him his ribs were only bruised.  

When Adora’s breathing was steadier, Catra went on the offensive. “Why do you do this to yourself?” she said, “Don’t give me the run-around. You know this isn’t just exercise.”  

“Catra...” She sighed. Catra never understood. “When I lost She-Ra... I was helpless. I never want to be like that again. You  know  what it’s like to not want to feel powerless.”  

“I have some vague memories of you beating me to a pulp without the help of She-Ra.” Catra said dryly.  

“That’s different. That was just one-on-one. Up against Horde Prime’s armies, I couldn’t do anything.”  

“And you always have to make a bigger difference, huh?” Catra muttered. “No matter how much you do, you always have to do more.”  

“Because I can do more!” Adora stared hard at the ground and clenched her fists, heedless of the blood running through her fingers. “If I just... if I try harder...”  

“No, Adora.” Catra gingerly took one of her hands and opened it up. “You’re just hurting yourself.” Catra looked up at Adora with big, worried eyes. “Not everything is on you. It’s okay to enjoy the quiet. We’ve had a tough life. We’ve earned this.”  

“I just...” Adora tore her gaze away. “I could have saved so many-”  

“No. Uh-uh. Stop.” Catra’s hand went to Adora's chin, and lifted her gaze back to her. “You saved the universe. That's enough. If you never do anything again, and never did anything before, you still have done way, way more than  anyone  should ever expect from  anyone .”  

“I'm She-Ra-”  

“You're Adora.” she said firmly. “You're my Adora. You're Sparkles' Adora, and Arrow Boy's.” Catra’s voice softened. “You matter. Your happiness matters. I want you to be happy.” She cupped her cheek in her hand. “You can't be everyone's savior.” The catgirl gave her girlfriend the saddest puppy-dog eyes. “Can't you just be mine?”  

“I know when you're playing me, Catra.”  

“Does that mean it's not working?” She nudged Adora playfully.  

“No... it's working.” Adora sighed, and then chuckled. “I know, I... I want to make you happy. I want to be happy. But it's like my own brain is betraying me.”  

“I know. It's not as easy as 'say the magic words and get better'.” Catra perched her hands on Adora's shoulder and nestled into her arm. “But you do deserve to be happy, Adora. And if I have to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives, I will.” She kissed Adora on the cheek. “Be careful, Adora. Or I really will fight to make you just mine. If that’s how I have to keep you safe, I’ll do it. No more adventures, no more royal expeditions, just smooches and scritches all day, every day. My own personal snuggle machine.” She buried herself in Adora's side, purring loudly and intentionally.  

“That'd be torture.” Adora laughed. “If I had to hold you all day, every day, I'd start coughing up hairballs.”  

She fluffed her currently-untied hair with faked disinterest. “Lustrous hair comes with a price, Adora.” Her tone dropped to a more serious, more vulnerable tone. “I just worry about you, Adora.”  

“I... I'm sor-”  

“No, no, don't you dare. I worry about you because I love you, and that's basically the best thing that's ever happened to me.” Catra said. “Don't be sorry.”  She touched Adora's cheek. “Just... worry with me a little, please? Stop pushing yourself like you don’t matter.” She kissed Adora's forehead. “You do.”  

Adora sighed. She felt so helpless and frustrated. “I should take up drinking.”  

Catra laughed uncomfortably, uncertain how serious Adora was being. “Please don't. You're the most obnoxious drunk I've ever met.”  

“That's not what Bow told me you said last time.”  

“You're my girlfriend! I'm allowed to think you're cute when you try cheesy pickup lines on me!” Catra objected, “Or incoherent ones.”  

“They made sense in my head.” Adora laughed. “'I'm your favorite number, so let's put two and two together, and make love.'”  

“Not enough slurring or hanging off of me like a wet coat. And don't forget trying to purr back at me.”   

Adora blushed red and laughed again, snorting with the memory. Catra caught her by the waist before she could tipple backwards off the fence. “Well,” Adora said with a smug grin, “I  did  lure you back in the end, so I guess I really am a master seductress.”  

“Tch. Only for someone as dumb as me.” Catra nuzzled her nose against her dumb girlfriend’s. “You’re lucky I don’t know what I’d do without you, dummy, cuz I sure don’t know what to do with you.”  

Adora’s smile was amused, but also sweet. Her eyes glazed over with a precious memory, and nostalgia wrote itself on her smile. “Remember when we... reunited?” she said softly, cupping Catra’s cheek with her scabbing palm. “I'd never seen you so... self-effacing.”  

“Fancy way of saying that I got the arrogance knocked out of me, hard.”  

“You got it back, didn't you?”  

“Obviously. I'm too great to keep down.”  

“I love you when you're open. I love you when you're vulnerable. I love you when you're reflective. But I did miss that for a long time.”  

“I know you did. Don't worry, I've learned all your secrets now. You like being bullied.” She gave Adora a sharp-fanged smirk and dropped her voice to a low, sultry tone as her tail swished. “You crave it. Deep down, you just wanna be my victim, don't you?”  

Adora's face burned crimson. But she couldn't fight off her smile.  

Catra judged her worn down enough from her state of stressed self-flagellation. She grabbed Adora's wrists gently. “C'mon. Let's go back to bed. I'll wrap up those hands 'til morning.”  

“Oh.” Only then did the full ridiculousness of her behavior really hit her sobered self. “I, uh... I guess I freaked out again, didn't I?”  

“Yep.” Catra nodded unconcerned. “It happens. To both of us.”  

Catra... always knew how to calm her down. Always knew how to bring her down to earth. To make her feel happy and wanted and safe. Draw her out against her own flaws. Make the world seem less dangerous. Less hostile. Like home. Adora didn’t know how she always did it. Like she knew every gap in Adora’s emotional defenses, and that made Adora feel... safe.   

She trusted Catra with every part of her.  

She let Catra lead them back to their room, sort through the medicine cabinet. Adora leaned against Catra as she bound up her still-slightly-bloody hands on their balcony beneath the moonlight, the cool night air a balm for the sting of disinfectant on her skin. Catra had nothing for her but a sweet, indulgent stare of the deepest love and affection.  

And that was what finally broke her.  

Adora sighed and threw her head back, looking up at the stars. Sadness filled her distant stare. “Mara told me in the heart that... I didn't have to sacrifice everything for everyone else. That I deserved to be happy too.” Her teeth chattered as she fought back tears. Those glistening, bright, blue eyes broke Catra's heart when they lowered to meet her. “So why don't I  feel  like I deserve to be happy?”  

Catra didn't have an answer for her. All she could do was hold Adora, and let her know that she would always,  always  be there for her.  

Chapter Text

Spring Cleaning. A dreaded word for the unorganized, and a sacred one to the obsessive. One made all the better by company, but all the more dangerous by the discovery of artifacts thought long-lost; memories and sentiments better left to the dust and oblivion. Adora had never felt that so strongly as when Catra dove into the pile of junk she was sorting through one day, and came out with a very familiar folded paper. “A letter? Ooh, is this for me?”  

A bolt of fear shot through Adora’s heart. She knew which letter it was. “Catra!”  

“Oh ho, it is! ‘Dear Catra...’”  

“Catra, give it back!”  

“'You are my enemy now’...”  

Adora’s pitch spiked with desperation. “Catra! Please! I’m serious!”  

Catra stopped reading and looked at Adora. The look on her face gave no illusions as to her sincerity. She really didn’t want Catra to read it.  

Wordlessly, Catra lowered the letter, letting the paper hang limply from her grasp. Adora took it from her hand, careful not to move too quickly (or too slowly, in case Catra changed her mind). They stared at each other for a few long, awkward moments. Catra hopped onto the sofa, feigning indifference, while Adora haltingly began sorting through the closet again.  

Catra crossed her arms behind her head and stared at the ceiling, trying not to let the churning in her gut unsettle her. “What’s so important that I can’t see it?” she said, trying to sound disinterested. “It’s just a dumb letter.”  

“I... I was in a dark place back then.” Adora’s finger traced the edge of the letter, and her eyes took on a distant light. “... it was right after the portal incident...”  

“So? Adora, if you think I haven’t had incredibly dark thoughts about you in my lowest moments during the war, you’re fooling yourself.”   

“That’s not it, it’s just...” Adora cursed her inability to lie. She couldn’t think of anything that wouldn't set Catra off on some level.  

“Adora, all of that is over. I get it. It was terrible, I was wrong, I regret it. What can you possibly say to me I haven't said to myself?”  

“It... it’s emotional.”  

“And what, you think I’m gonna break into a thousand pieces when I read it? You really think I’m that fragile?” Catra bristled. Catra  was  emotionally fragile. But she would never admit it, not to herself, and not to Adora. Some flaws blind, and some are blindness.  

“Catra, just...” Adora knew she was making the wrong choice. But she couldn’t make any other. Didn’t have the strength to. “... if you want to... you can.” She weakly proffered the letter, unable to look at Catra as she did so.  

Catra didn’t hesitate before taking the letter again. “Dear Catra,” she began again, a fanged grin on her face. She couldn’t wait to see what kind of featherweight accusations Rebellion-Era Adora would level at her. “ You are my enemy now, and you... always... will be.” Catra’s voice slowed as she processed the sentence fully, not just reciting the words on the paper. Adora winced internally. Catra’s tone as she continued was more cautious and measured, instead of eager and mischievous. “I know that now. All this time, I had hope. Hope that you would realize that Etheria is a beautiful place that needs to be saved, and not destroyed.” Catra could then see why Adora didn’t want her to read it, and it did sting a little, but Adora was overthinking things, as usual.  

Until she read the next line. “I have no more hope now, and that makes me sad. So sad. Because I miss you, Catra, and I will always miss you.” Catra steeled her jaw. “I miss your smile. I miss the gleam in your eye when you would beat me in a race during training. I miss laughing with you when we would play a prank on one of the other cadets in the barracks. I even miss you snoring in the bunk above me. Those are the things I remember when I think about you. I’m going to try to remember the good things about you, instead of the bad ones. Because those break my heart. I’m sorry things ended up like this. I really am. But even if we could go back in time,” Catra’s voice wavered, her subconscious telling her what was coming next. “I wouldn’t do things any other way.” That final sentence hit her like a brick to the head. “Love, Adora.” she finished, feeling far more drained than reading a letter should have left her.  

Adora was watching her, closely. Concerned. Catra gathered herself. “H-heh... s-stupid...” she muttered, “... sappy too... just like you...” Catra gritted her teeth together. She could sell tears as emotional, but if she started sobbing, she knew Adora would see right through her.  

“Catra...” Adora’s voice was hurting. She was always so stupidly empathetic. Dense, but empathetic. And she’d gotten too good at seeing past Catra’s facades since they reunited. Catra shrugged off Adora’s embrace.  

She curled up and hugged her knees, her tail curled protectively around herself; her ‘Don’t talk to me, I’m angry. But if you don’t talk to me I’ll get angry because you’re ignoring me’ pose. Adora very carefully sat next to her on the sofa and kept a palm’s width of space between them.  

All she could think about was that Adora had no hope left for her. Adora. Adora had given up on her. And maybe she deserved that - she'd told Adora enough times that she herself didn't think she was worth being saved in those long years in the Horde; that all that kept her going was spite and inertia. But... it cut deep. Her one refuge, her emotional safe haven, knowing Adora believed in her even when no one else did, showing a condition for its protection, no matter how justified. Catra‘s voice was weak and small when she finally decided to speak again. “... you really wouldn’t do anything different...?”  

They’d had the conversation a thousand times. But it never went the same way twice. It was a point of confusion and uncertainty. Regret, and remorse. All the things that muddle the mind’s eye. “I didn’t know... so much, Catra. I didn’t know how you were actually hurting. I didn’t know... didn’t see that you didn’t stay for the Horde’s sake, like I would have.”  

“If you could go back now, would you do anything different?” Catra asked, already knowing the answer.  

“Catra, I...” Adora steeled her jaw. She was never a liar, and it would be wasted on Catra anyway. She always saw through Adora. “I did what I had to do.”  

That was the wrong thing to say. Catra’s response was immediate and acrid. “And you always will, right?”  

“Yes!” Adora snapped. “Yes, I’m always going to try to do the right thing! Why is that so wrong?”  

“Because the right thing is-!” Catra’s face turned from fury to futility, her ears flattening against her head as she inched away from Adora. “... the right thing is never me.”

“Catra, that’s not true.”  

“Okay, fine. It was  once . Perfect coincidence...” Catra said, turning her face away from her girlfriend. In a quieter voice, she said, “... Adora, do you know how hard it is to be second-best? I was second-best to Shadow Weaver... I was second-best when we were cadets... I was second-best in the Horde… and now I’m second-best even to you.”  

“You...” Adora’s voice broke, with tears, not anger. “... you’re not second-best to me.”  

“Then say it.” Catra’s voice was flat with disappointment and disbelief. “Say if you could go back, you'd pick me over joining the Rebellion.” Catra’s gaze flicked back to Adora, eyes hard and unyielding. Adora couldn’t. Couldn’t look her in the eyes. Couldn’t lie to her. “I thought so.” she muttered.  

The frustration flooded over her dam of sympathy once more. “Why is that your standard?” Adora cried.  

“That’s what it means to be first to someone!” Catra snapped, “First, Adora! Not second, not ‘first if everything is okay’! First!” Her ears pinned back and a lump crawled up her throat as she rasped, “Why can’t I trust you to ever put me first?”  

“Catra!”  

An arm already at eye level to wipe her tears, Catra sprung to her feet. “Forget it. This is pointless.” Catra stepped on the open windowsill and leapt out to the castle rooftops, disappearing in an instant. She knew them better than anyone else on the castle grounds, except Glimmer.  

“Catra!” Adora followed her out, but Catra was far more agile. Scrambling up the roof tiles, always advancing towards a distant, sitting Catra with her arms around her knees. Any time Adora came close to earshot, Catra would bound a safe distance away. Adora eventually gave up and retreated to their bedroom. She knew that if Catra really wanted to avoid her, there was no way she could catch up. And hunting her down as She-Ra would bring up... too many bad memories. At least after a fight like that.  

All she could do was wait.  

She sighed and picked up the letter, left laying on the floor. So much trouble over such a small thing. She should have gotten rid of it long ago. She looked at it with infinite sadness in her eyes. She sighed and collapsed onto the bed, letting the evening sun shine through the thin paper, reading it over for the thousandth time since she first wrote it.  

‘Love, Adora’ she signed it. Love.  

She’d always loved her. She didn’t even think about it. Maybe she was mistaken about what kind of love she felt at some point, but it never even occurred to her to question whether or not she loved Catra, even when she thought they’d be fighting the rest of their lives. One of their lives, anyway. She loved Catra so much that it scared her at times.   

It wasn’t that Adora wanted to be a hero more. If she had to make the choice again, not knowing how it would end, but knowing it would drive a wedge between them, that it would lead to them almost killing each other, that it would lead to that look of  hatred  in Catra’s eyes that sometimes haunted Adora’s dreams even years later... she would still side with the Rebellion. But it would bring her no joy. It would break her, utterly and completely. The very thought of losing Catra again was too much to bear. Being a hero was nothing compared to that pain. But she  had  to do the right thing. That was just who she was.  

She hugged her knees like Catra would, and tucked herself against the headboard. For Catra... for Catra, it was different. Adora abandoned her to die. Adora didn’t think that – wasn't even thinking about the possibility of Catra being in danger after Thaymor. All she could see was She-Ra, her destiny, and the evil of the Horde. Not the scared young woman begging the only person who ever made her feel wanted. Not the danger she was putting her old friends in the Horde in. Not Catra’s perspective. No matter how many times they talked about it, no matter how many times Catra dismissed it as their Horde upbringing messing with their perspectives and assured Adora that she saw things differently now, that guilt always scratched at Adora’s mind.  

Only a few short hours had passed in moping since their fight, but she missed Catra. Knowing she was there, that she was safe, that she didn’t... hate her... that was what calmed Adora when she started thinking about all the things that went wrong with her life. Catra’s head in her lap, Catra’s gentle purr, the glint of her mischievous eyes...  

The door creaked open and gently shut. Adora looked up, and jumped to her feet. “Catra!”  

Catra didn’t say anything. Didn’t react to Adora’s voice. Just slunk past her, into bed, and pulled the covers over her shoulders without so much as a glance in Adora’s direction. She was facing away from Adora. Adora knew better than to try to pry open her shell when she was sulking like that. So instead, she retreated into her pre-bed routine. Folding her clothes, brushing her teeth, all the little security checks on the windows. The silence made her every move deafening. When she finally laid down in bed next to Catra, she was stiff as a board. Scared to even brush up against Catra accidentally. She felt nauseous, and skittish, and afraid. She didn’t even pull the blankets over her – because that would mean shifting Catra, and Adora just... didn’t have the stomach for that. Not if Catra decided to say something. Adora wouldn’t be able to handle it. It was all she could do to croak out, “I love you.”.  

Adora stared at the ceiling. She wanted to sleep off the anxiety. Wanted them both to sleep it off, to just wake up like nothing had happened. But that was never Adora’s strong point. She just stared, and stared, and concocted a thousand terrible scenarios in her head in which Catra hated her for the rest of their lives. She looked at the back of Catra’s head as she stirred, wishing for all the world that she would say something, say anything.  

Sometimes, wishes are granted. “I love you, you idiot...” Catra said quietly, her back still to Adora. “I love you in a different way than you love me. And that’s always going to hurt.” She lifted herself on her elbows and twisted around to face Adora in bed. “But I love you, and nothing’s gonna stop that.” Her eyes were sore and bloodshot. “... and I know you do love me, so deeply that you risked  everything  for me, more than once. And I love your love. It’s just... it’s hard, Adora. It’s hard seeing the world so differently...”  

Adora tried to stifle her sobs, chest heaving with each one, as she held Catra as close as she could and kissed her head. “I love you more than anything...” Adora whimpered. “... I know it doesn’t always sound like that, but...” She buried her head in Catra’s hair and shivered, her whole body a mess of nerves and terror and remorse. “... it wasn’t the universe I came back for, Catra.” Her voice cracked and her pitch rose to be almost inaudible. “... it was you. It was always you.”  

“I...” Catra’s resolve wavered, and her held sob finally burst through. "... I’m sorry, Adora!” she cried, “I’m such a mess-”  

“You’re not! Catra, you’re not-”  

“I love you!” Catra threw herself into Adora, cheek pressed against her, eyes closed tight and pouring out tears. “I love you, Adora!” It was the only thing she was sure of some days. Having Adora in her arms... her one constant. Her tether to reality. “I love you...” she whimpered over and over again into Adora’s collarbone, “I love you... I love you...”  

“I love you, Catra...” Adora whispered, “More than anything... I promise... I promise...” Her voice broke up like waves on the shore. She let Catra bury herself in her promises, in her body, in her love. Let her bury herself until they had both cried themselves hoarse. And then, finally, a peaceful quiet settled. Free of the sickness that reigned before. Night dragged on in their tired silence, but sleep eluded them.  

“... Catra?”  

Catra’s voice was heavy with exhaustion, but not drowsy. Still wide awake. “Yeah, Adora?” she muttered, one blue eye flickering open to examine her.  

“I love you more than all the heroics in the universe.” she said quietly. “... doing the right thing was never what made me happy in the Rebellion. My friends made me happy.  You  made me happy.” She curled an arm protectively around her girlfriend, and pressed her forehead against her’s. “You’re always first in my heart. I promise.”  

Catra’s smile, so sweet and weak and touched, turned juvenile in an instant. “Doing me.” she said, her voice still raspy from her earlier sobbing. “Doing me made you happy.”  

Adora laughed, and sniffled. “You’re impossible!”  

“You love it, Princess.” she purred into the crook of Adora’s neck.  

Her Adora...  

Chapter Text

Catra looked up at the monument, framed against the gloom of an overcast sky. It wasn't the only of its kind. Not even the biggest, or the most impressive. But it was the closest to Brightmoon, just a few miles into the Whispering Woods. A great stele, commemorating all those who had lost their lives to the brief, but brutal, tyranny of Horde Prime.  

And beneath it stood a lone blonde, gaze affixed to the highest inscriptions. “... Adora...” Catra said gently, “You can't keep coming back here.”  

Adora was staring at the monument, a distant sadness in her eyes. She didn't react to Catra's voice.  

“Adora... it's been every day for weeks now.”  

“And you've been complaining every day for weeks.” Adora snapped back.  

“Because I'm worried about you!” Catra said, “Is that really so bad?”  

“... no!” The word slipped from Adora's mouth like she was trying to form it into something more, but couldn't find an objection substantial enough to fill her response.  

“You're grinding your teeth in your sleep again.”  

“You've told me.” Adora said curtly.  

“And what, that's just peachy?”  

“That's nothing compared to the people who lost everything.”  

“Compared to-?” No matter how many times or how many ways she showed it, Catra was always astounded by Adora’s ability to turn herself into a martyr. “Adora!” Catra couldn't keep the anger from her voice. She had resolved to work on it years ago, to be worth being by Adora's side, to stop hurting her, and hopefully to never try to destroy the universe again (but no promises on that last one). She would always have a temper though, no matter how much she tried to express it in less destructive ways. “Adora, this is your life !”  

"And what about their's?"  

“It's not your responsibility. You aren't She-Ra, you're Adora .”  

“You've never understood...” Adora muttered.  

Catra's ears twitched in annoyance. Sure, that was true, but it didn't change her point. "You can't just give up and martyr yourself whenever you want!"  

“It doesn’t matter! If giving up my life saves a dozen others, then I'll give it up!”  

“I’m part of your life, Adora!” Catra cried out. Then, quieter, unable to stop herself, she whimpered, “Would you really give me up?”  

A shock ran through Adora, and regret flooded into her. Her eyes filled with remorse, and she reached out, weak and contrite. Adora’s voice broke with pained tears. “Catra... no, I...”   

Catra twitched involuntarily. She shouldn't have said that. She shouldn't have said anything. She felt on the brink of falling apart as Adora was crumbling in front of her. Catra had to be strong. This was her time.   

She failed.   

Catra barreled into Adora and threw her arms around her. “I love you, you idiot!” she cried, “I don't want anything to happen to you! And if you go risking your life because you're some big dumb hero, okay, fine, that's my Adora, but...” Her claws dug into Adora’s white undershirt. “... don't just torture yourself...” she whimpered. “I can't watch it, Adora, okay? It tears me up! We should be happy! We've been happy! So why does all of this keep coming back and...”  

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't hurt you like this-”  

“Stop. Just stop.” Catra’s voice warbled with her own inner turmoil, but her tone still brooked no opposition. “Adora. This is not your fault. Not this,” She pointed at her own face. "not this," She motioned to the monument. “and not... not this.” Catra touched her hand lightly to Adora's cheek, wet with tears. Adora's lip quivered and her voice caught in her throat. “Don’t be sorry. Stop being sorry! It’s okay! We’re went through a lot! We're allowed to hurt! That’s okay! Adora, we’ve been through...” She looked into those blue-gray eyes, so full of love for everyone but herself. A gentle hand cupped Adora’s face, and Adora closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into it as her teeth chattered, unable to give up that little piece of comfort. “... you’ve been through so much...” Catra said. “You don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to be responsible for everyone.” She guided Adora’s head to the crook of her neck, and listened to her ragged, uneven breaths. Her Adora... so tortured, and usually by herself more than anyone else.   

“It’s just...” She whimpered and tightened her grip around her loving girlfriend, “I’m so weak, Catra...”  

“You’re not. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. In a thousand ways.”  

“I couldn’t save them, Catra...”  

“You saved the universe. These people... they didn't die because of you. Literally everyone else lived because of you. This is Horde Prime's fault. No one else's.”  

“I... I could have... saved so many more...”  

“... do you remember what you told me Mara said to you?” Catra nuzzled against Adora, wishing more than anything that she could give a little strength, a little relief, to the tormented soul she loved so much. “... you deserve love too, Adora. You have to accept it when it comes your way.” Catra pushed her head insistently into Adora's shoulder until her hand came up to run through her wild mane. “You get to be the hero all the time. Well, it's my turn. I want to save someone too. I want to save a dumb, strong, goody-two-shoes blonde from her own conscience. I want her to be able to be happy , cuz that's what makes me happy.”  

“Catra...”  

“I mean it.” she said. “This is eating you up.” Catra looked up at Adora, her ponytail loose and rough in the light drizzle. “I want you to be happy, Adora. What you're doing is just... self-destructive.” Catra raised an eyebrow and said dryly, “I'm kind of an expert on that.” She buried her head back into Adora's neck. “Please, Adora... trust me. This won’t help anyone. Not them, not you, not everyone else. Please, Adora...” Her dumb hero complex could go both ways. Catra leaned into her, consciously fighting back the tears that would turn Adora’s affection into more guilt and self-blaming. “... love me... because some days, that’s all that keeps me together...”  

Adora nestled into Catra, somber and silent. Catra was always so strong, so much stronger than her. She could always take what she wanted. Adora always felt like for all her power, she was just carried by others' currents.   

Catra wanted her. And that was what Adora wanted more than anything. In her darkest moments, she felt like she couldn't reach out and claim Catra's love, because she didn't deserve it... but Catra always reached out to claim her. And Adora could never refuse her. Would never want to. Catra was her saving grace. Her hero.  

Catra was safety. Knowing that there was someone who always took her side. That there was someone who would never stop coming back for her. And most of all, that Catra; stubborn, mischievous Catra, loved her.  

Loved  

Her  

It was the most beautiful thing she could ever imagine. She didn't want anything else. “Okay...” she whispered, “... I love you, you know...”  

Catra’s relief was audible as her voice evened out. “I know, Adora.” Her tail wrapped around Adora’s waist. “But it still feels good every time I hear it.”   

Catra made her feel safe. Catra made her feel wanted. Just for who she was, not what she could do or what she could be. Catra's fingers rubbing comforting lines into her shoulders as she held her reminded her that Catra always loved her. Before she was anyone, before she could do anything. And that... meant everything.  

With a grunt, Catra swept Adora up in her arms in a bridal carry. “Catra! What are you doing?”  

Catra grinned at her as she carried her back the long road to Brightmoon. “I'm taking you home, Princess.”  

Adora's smile was weak, because her love was so strong. It was all she could do to tuck her head into Catra's neck as she walked and whisper, “... okay.”