Chapter Text
“I’m not letting you in, Liz.”
Liz put her hand on the door between them. “Please, Ressler. Let me explain.”
He paused long enough that Liz though he had left her at his front door, locked out. The sound of his shaky voice almost startled her as she had leaned pressed her ear to the door. “You’ll come in whether I want you to or not.”
Liz sighed. He was right. He’d given her a pair of keys after their night together a couple of months ago, but she’d never used them before. She’d kept the key close, on a long necklace around her neck that she would tuck under her clothing and under her bra so that it wasn’t visible. The key turned in the lock. When she opened the door, he wasn’t there anymore. Gently shutting it, Liz kicked off her shoes and walked over to his bedroom.
As he turned his head to look at her, she felt her heart break. His eyes looked different, not just because of the undereye circles or the redness, but they seemed empty. “You know I always liked your hair brown.” He seemed empty. His voice sounded empty.
Liz curled her lips inward for a smile as she touched her hair. She had dyed it blonde and kept it tied back in a low bun to keep others from recognizing her. She took off the pair of glasses she had been wearing and clipped them onto her shirt. He had been taking this remarkably well so far, much better than she expected. “I can’t exactly have people recognizing me, can I?”
Ressler sat up in the bed, his blanket still over his knees. As he spoke, he had a tremor in his voice, “I miss you so much, baby. I can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep coming back.”
I guess you call me baby now, she thought. “I never left.”
“I know you never left.” Ressler put his hands over his eyes and wiped his nose on his hand. In the darkness of his bedroom, Liz hadn’t been able to tell that he had tears running down his face. “Are you ever going to leave?”
As he stared off blankly into space, Liz felt a sense of confusion settle over her. “Do you want me to go?”
“I don’t think I do, not really. That’s why I haven’t told anyone about you.”
What was there to tell? Did he really know her so well that he had been able to tell what her plan was from the very beginning? If he had known, why was he there that night? “Told anyone?” she asked.
“It’s our secret, Liz. Just you and me, like old times.” Liz stepped closer to the bed, wanting to hold him again. She had missed the way it felt to wrap her arms around him, but Ressler interrupted her. He held out his shaky hands with his palms facing towards her. He was on the verge of tears as he spoke. “You can’t come any closer.”
“Honey…”
“Your chair,” he said pointing to the chair in the corner of his room after he wiped the fresh tears off his face. “You promised you’d only sit in your chair.”
Confused, Liz took another step closer to him. “I want to hold you. Please. Let me hold you,” she begged.
As he looked up at her, she could see the pain written on his face. She’d never seen him like this. It almost seemed like it wasn’t him anymore, that he was hiding somewhere deep inside of himself. “You promised you wouldn’t, Liz. You promised me.”
She softened her voice. “Tell me what I promised you.”
Ressler took a shaky breath. His voice laced with desperation, he continued, “you promised that you wouldn’t touch me. We agreed.”
What was he talking about? Her eyebrows furrowed. “But I’m here. It’s me.” As she gently placed her hand on his shoulder, she felt his body start to shaky slightly.
Gasping at her touch, he quickly brushed her hand off his shoulder. “Oh my God. I’m really going crazy, aren’t I?” He turned to look at her as he tried to wipe away the tears. “Why can’t I just let go of you? Why can’t I do it, Liz?”
She moved her hands away. “It’s me. It’s really me. I never died.”
He pulled his knees tighter to his chest and shut his eyes tightly as his breathing quickened. “You say that all the time, but I know you did. I held you on that cold street. I know you’re gone.”
The breaks in his voice felt like being stabbed in the chest, with every sob feeling like a gun shot, but the realization of what his words meant felt worse than words could ever explain. She sat down on the floor beside the bed and reached out a hand, resting her hand on the blanket. She made sure that her hand was far enough away that it wouldn’t touch him, but close enough that he could touch her if he wanted to. She made her voice as gentle as possible. “Honey, when did it start? When did you start seeing me?”
“In the hospital. They took me back there, and you were there. Standing in the corner of my room. Just watching me.”
“Did you tell anyone that you saw me?”
He shook his head. “I know what they would do, Liz. They would give me pills. Pills that would make you disappear.”
Every word made her heart break more. “And you didn’t want me to leave.”
“I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted to lose you.”
“How often do I come around?”
Ressler scoffed. He could barely get the words out. “You know what’s funny? I know I’m talking to myself, but if I can forget just for a second that you’re really gone… then maybe, it’s not that bad.”
“Ressler, do you see my hand on the blanket? Look, when I move it around, the blanket moves. Do you feel the blanket moving?”
He put his hand down on the blanket and waited for a while before nodding.
This was a delicate situation and that any sudden movements would make things worse. Liz carefully brought her fingers closer to his until her fingertips started tracing their way up his hand. She glanced up at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Ressler was staring down blankly at their hands. As her palm moved over top of his hand, Liz softly squeezed his hand. “Do you feel that?” She looked back up at Ressler who nodded ever so slightly. Liz let her hand run up the side of his arm as his eyes followed her touch. She stopped at his upper arm, slightly rubbing his arm. “Will you let me hold you?” He closed his eyes and gently lifted up the blanket.
As he turned on to his side, Liz gently crawled under the blanket. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing as much of her body as possible close to him. She pushed one of her legs in between his and the other over top. She could still feel him shaking slightly as he rested her chin on his shoulder. Bringing her lips closer to his ears, she whispered, “you’re not crazy. You’re not crazy for feeling like this, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this. I never wanted you to see any of it, but I’m here now. I promise I’m here. It’s really me.”
Liz felt him shake his head against hers. She placed a gentle kiss on his neck before taking her hair out of her low bun. She brought a strand of her hair over to his face. “Smell my hair. It’s the same shampoo.” She could feel his breathing start to get less shaky as he took deep breaths.
Ressler turned towards her. She felt his hand move to her hip, up her to her waist. As he rested on his side, Liz reached her hand up, wiping the tears on his cheeks with her thumb. “How do I know it’s really you, Liz? How do I know it’s not all in my head?”
The sides of her mouth curled up gently at the sides. She pulled her sweater off to reveal a tank top underneath with a bandage in the middle of her chest. Throwing the sweater on the floor, she turned back to Ressler, bringing the hand that had been resting on her waist over the bandage. She watched as he let his finger touch the bandage as a look of confusion settled on his face. “I—I don’t understand.”
“What you saw,” her voice trailed off. It was painful seeing the way he looked at her. She gathered her courage to speak once more. “I’m real. Listen,” she motioned for him to lie on her chest. As he put his head down, it somehow became harder and easier to breathe. Harder because she felt a slight pain in her chest and knew that her doctor definitely wouldn’t have allowed this, but easier because as she wrapped her arm around him and put her chin on the top of his head, she could feel Ressler start to relax. “Do you hear it?”
He nodded against her chest, sniffling slightly. “Your perfume… it’s the same.”
“It is.” She wrapped her other arm around him, pulling him closer into her chest even if it hurt. Feeling him pressed against her made her smile.
“I don’t understand. On the street. Your blood.”
She pressed her lips to the top of his head, breathing in the familiar scent of his shampoo. “It’s a long story, but I promise it’s a good one.”