Work Text:
Numb. Useless. Empty.
The dirtied mirror fogged up with the heavy breaths Sunghoon had been huffing out for hours on end, the dull lighting in his little studio apartment flickering like an endless timebomb. Vision blurred, everything was unfocused and dark in the tight space. His mouth was dry, his voice too strained to utter a single word as his mind raced and yelled.
Dirty sink.
A stuttered breath filled in the emptiness of the dim bathroom as Sunghoon looked up at the flickering light, hoping the bothersome tears would leave...leave and never come back. His dark eyes fluttered open and closed, hating how the saltiness from his shed tears has reached the side of his neck and his quivering lips.
"Useless idiot, you can't even control your own stupid tears," he chuckled, voice hoarse and cracking as he averted his gaze back to the mirror. He wanted to punch the mirror, wanted to break it into pieces and never look at his reflection ever again.
"Worthless idiot," chuckling, he wiped his stray tears with the bottom of his white shirt, "no one cares that you feel like this, you deserve to feel like this." the tears didn't stop and neither did the raven's hurtful words.
"You're such a disappointment, you can't even get a decent grade to make your mother happy, can't do shit to make her not ashamed, can you, idiot? You keep fucking up, you keep making it worse. She raised you, she sacrificed everything for you and all you can do is ruin her life?!"
A loud thud erupted from the bathroom as the raven kicked the bottom of the sink, hitting the cabinet with full force, "You fucking asshole!"
Tears began to fall harder, his breathing became heavier and the whole room became more suffocating. The male knelt down, hitting his head against the bottom of the sink in pain, letting his body drop down onto the floor by the bathtub, "You're so fucking stupid, such and a waste of air, why couldn't you just have been aborted? Why couldn't you be left to die alone, everyone would be so much happier without you as a deadweight on their shoulders."
He heaved, trashing his legs on the wooden floor, his hands automatically reaching out for his own hair, pulling it in hopes of stopping the tears that blurred his vision and stung his eyes, "
Cold floor.
Sunghoon felt smothered, the weight on his chest too heavy to breathe. He cried harder, the loud and wet sound of his scream echoing in the empty apartment. He was alone. He was away from everyone to who he was a nuisance.
He cried harder, hitting the back of his head against the tub with force, covering his face to not let the tears fall any further.
"Stupid fucking asshole!"
He cried and cried, his chest heaving in pain, all his breaths stuttered and rigid.
"I hate you, I hate you, I fucking hate your whole existence! Die! Die! DIE!" he screamed louder and louder, choking on his own tongue as his body hit the floor with a harsher thud, "You should just end it all here and now, no one would care, no one wants you here, they all pity you!"
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Sunghoon stilled, a harsher pain striking his chest as he sat up on the dirtied floor, eyes brimming with too many tears to focus on anything other than the flickering light above him.
He's imagining it. Who would care? Who would come? Fuck off.
He reached back up for his hair, holding it with force to focus on the pain and keep his tears at bay. Don't make noise. Don't show pain. You're bugging everyone with your problems. Die. Die. Die. Die on the floor.
"Sunghoonie?"
No.
Sunghoon let out a strangled cry, slapping the back of his head as he hit the ground again, a loud cry escaping his throat.
Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave me alone. You'll be happy. Leave.
"Sunghoonie, I'm coming in,"
The addressed male cried louder, reaching out to hold onto the brim of the sink, his body weak and tired from all the crying. He wanted to scream. Wanted to yell at Jaeyun to leave, leave him alone to wither away.
The sound of the door unlocking and opening carefully was the last straw - Sunghoon curled up in a ball next to the tub, his body shaking as he tried to hold back the unstoppable tears and screams leaving his body.
The empty echo was masked by the sound of loud footsteps - rushed, anxious, and very near. The raven didn't move, only sobbed harder as he tried to hide away from his boyfriend.
His boyfriend...
His boyfriend who deserved so much better, his loving, smart, polite, and selfless boyfriend who is nothing more than an angel sent down from paradise. His boyfriend who he had yelled at, his boyfriend who he had hurt, his boyfriend who he ignored.
Sunghoon cried harder, grabbing his hair tightly, feeling his scalp burn as hair pulled out.
"Hoonie," his voice was so small, so worried and anxious, "I'm here."
Go away. Leave me alone. Find someone better. Let me die.
The raven didn't reply, only sobbed in pain as he continued to ignore the older, gripping onto his hair in hopes of distracting him from being an even bigger bother to Jaeyun.
Gentle hands tangled in his hair next to his own hand, but instead of harshly ripping at his hair, they stroked his head softly, the presence of his boyfriend evidently closer but not touching.
"Cry it out, I'm here now," he spoke so soft, so caring and laced with so much worry that Sunghoon's heart squeezed in more pain. He didn't deserve this care, he didn't deserve this love, he didn't deserve anything the brunette has to offer.
He inhaled deeply, trying to hold back the tears once more, his head pounding in pain from the constant screaming, hitting, and pulling. Sunghoon took in deeper breaths, feeling the older's hands gently stroke his hair, somehow untangling his own hand from his hair and smoothing down the abused roots.
The raven looked towards his side, the dim light flickering harshly above them as he gazed at Jaeyun's face. He was worried, noticeable sadness and tears brimming his face as he gazed back at him with a tender smile, his eyes full of care and worry.
Sunghoon didn't move, only stared at his boyfriend's face with an unreadable expression, eyes dull and so lifeless that the brunette wordlessly moved closer, shuffling his body as close as he could, but not hugging him, knowing he needs the raven to make the first more.
"You're here." he deadpanned, gazing at the other with inanimate eyes.
"Of course I am," Jaeyun whispered, not stopping his gentle pats, holding back his tears as he felt how harshly the male had been ripping at his hair, "I'm always here."
Sunghoon's gaze turned weary as he felt the tears pool back in his eyes, "W-Why?"
His voice was wet and cracking, the same weight that seemingly left for a second coming back with full force as he watched the male's gentle smile turn wobbly, "Why are you here?"
Jaeyun exhaled deeply, not knowing what to say or do to comfort the male. He needed to hold him, needed to know he's there next to him and not in his dark bubble of pain. The brunette didn't answer, but he did open his arms as an invitation, wanting to get the male out of his head and back into him as fast as possible.
Sunghoon stared with a watery gaze, his hair a mess and clothes wet. He couldn't resist the invite, he wanted the pain to stop.
"Make it stop, please," he whispered shuffling into the older's arms, the warmth consuming him in an instant, "I want to stop this pain, I want to leave, I want to stop being a bother to everyone, get me out of here, please."
Jaeyun held him close on the cold floor, his arms buried around the taller's head as he cradled him close, the tears he tried so hard to hide spilling out right as the other started speaking.
"Make it stop," he cried harder, holding as tight as he could to Sunghoon who laid almost lifeless in his arms, his grip on the brunette's barely there, "I'm not needed here, please, let me leave."
Jaeyun shook his head 'no', burying his head in the pale neck, "I love you."
Sunghoon stilled for a second before Jaeyun felt the raven shake in his hold, subtle dampness soaking through his shirt.
Jaeyun exhaled shakily, patting the younger's back with tender motions, "I love you so much and I'm so proud of you."
The raven kept crying, clinging onto the older's waist tightly, "I'm so proud of you for being so strong and brave, I'm so proud of you for letting me feel your pain, I'm so proud of you for being here with me right here, I'm so proud of you, Hoonie."
"I love you," Jaeyun whispered, kissing the top of the raven's head with wet eyes, "I love you so much."
The raven continued to cry, holding onto his boyfriend with white knuckles, the older's shirt now soaked with his tears.
Jaeyun continued to pat his back in reassurance, continued to sweetly whisper to him and calm him down, continued to praise him, and tell him how much he loves him.
The raven had eventually calmed down, his body going lax in the brunette's hold, breathing steadier. Jaeyun didn't stop holding him close whilst nosing at the younger's hair and neck. He had positioned them in a more comfortable way - having Sunghoon lean most of his body on him whilst he made himself comfortable by the bathroom wall.
The brunette stroked the soft hair with tender fingers, holding the back of Sunghoon's head whilst planting another gentle kiss on his neck, "I love you so much."
Sunghoon leaned more into the touch, closing his eyes as he steadied his breathing more.
"Do you think we could go to the bedroom?" The brunette asked softly, cradling the male as close as he could, knowing the last thing he wanted was for them to separate.
Sunghoon didn't reply, merely nodding a little as he exhaled deeply.
Jaeyun gently stood both of them up, holding onto the raven's hand whilst the taller leaned into him, his head pounding tremendously.
"I'll get you some water," he whispered after manoeuvring Sunghoon into the bedroom, closing the bathroom softly, "I'll be right back."
Sunghoon held tightly onto Jaeyun's hand, his eyes hazy whilst he tried to telepathically tell the older that he didn't want him to leave.
"I'm right here," he gently kissed the raven's forehead and sat him down on the bed, tucking his legs under the duvet, "I'm not going anywhere."
Sunghoon nodded and hesitantly let go of the brunette's hand, keeping his gaze firm on him as he rushed to the kitchen to get his boyfriend a glass of water.
And Jaeyun was right, he was back in no time with a big glass of water in his hand. He placed it next to the little nightstand and looked down at the seated Sunghoon.
He looked tired and distorted - hair a mess, eyes red and puffy, skin a horrible pale shade, and clothes ruffled and damp in a few places.
Jaeyun carefully threaded his fingers through the raven hair, sighing softly as he passed the taller the glass, watching with care as he chugged down the water.
"Good job, Hoonie," he smiled, taking the glass and placing it on the bedside table after Sunghoon drank all of it.
Wordlessly the younger tugged on Jaeyun's sleeve, signalling for him to join him on the bed. The brunette didn't deny the younger and carefully crawled into bed, not wanting to accidentally squish the taller's limbs. Sunghoon threw the duvet over the older and cuddled close to him, throwing his arm and holding on tight to Jaeyun's waist.
The brunette placed his arm over the younger's neck, holding the back of his head gently, massaging the bruised area, "Sleep well, Hoonie."
The raven shuffled them closer and held on tighter, feeling the bitter tears pooling his eyes again.
"I'm always here," Jaeyun whispered and kissed the raven gently on the nose, feeling his heart break at the tears falling from the side of his face, "I'm never leaving you."
"It hurts..." the raven mumbled and Jaeyun let him talk, tenderly streaming his head and using the arm that was squished between them to wipe the tears that poured down.
"I'm tired of living," the raven exhaled, "I'm tired of being a failure and treating others like shit."
"I feel like waking up every day is the hardest task ever," his voice was wavering as he clung onto Jaeyun tighter, "I feel so numb when I see myself in the mirror, Yunnie...I feel like there is no purpose in waking up, I feel like my whole existence is a mistake."
Jaeyun shook his head softly, his own tears falling as he whipped away his boyfriend's tears.
"You're the only one who cares," he cried, his gaze blurring as he tried to stay focused on his boyfriend's face, "you're the only one who listens to me, who forgives me, who lets me make mistakes, you're the only one who..who worries. And all I do is yell at you, disappoint you...ignore you a-and be a nuisance."
Jaeyun kept shaking his head 'no', pulling Sunghoon into his embrace, letting the raven rest his head in his neck, " No, Hoonie, you're never a nuisance, please believe me."
"I can't do this Jaeyun..." He cried harder, "I can't keep making you sad."
"Hoonie...please," he pleads, crying softly into the raven's hair, "please stay strong for a little longer."
Sunghoon continued to cry, "I-It's so hard."
"I know, baby, I know...please."
Jaeyun kissed his head over and over again, getting himself to be as close as possible to know that he's here...he's with him.
"For you..." Sunghoon mumbled, his voice groggy, "I will try."
Jaeyun cried harder, "I'm so proud of you, baby, so incredibly proud."
Sunghoon exhaled deeply, leaving a wet kiss on the male's neck, "I love you."
"I love you too, so much."