Chapter Text
in the middle of promotions, practice, vocal lessons,
interviews, fan signs, vlives,
photo shootings, trips to the hair salon and meetings,
beomgyu found his peace during the night, especially when he sat on the kitchen table, his warm forehead gently pressed on the cold window. when everyone else was asleep, when he could hear soobin‘s light snores coming from his room because his friend always left the door just a little bit open - just in case anyone was in danger somehow. beomgyu never fully understood his older friend, but he didn‘t feel the need to question it.
or maybe it was the lack of energy.
or interest.
maybe beomgyu just didn‘t care anymore.
his dry lips let out a low chuckle, because yeah, maybe that was why.
on this particular night, beomgyu felt it again. his quick breathing leaving his small-but-not-small-enough body, his heart beating just a little bit too quickly - things that made him wonder what exactly was happening with him. beomgyu wondered if he should wake anyone up, tell someone that he was here, on the kitchen table, his knees pulled to his chest. But something in him kept saying ‘no, no, don‘t do it, don‘t say anything, stay quiet.‘
rain drops were starting to run down the cold window, his cheeks felt wet as well. one, two, three, four, five… beomgyu counted five drops before his energy was gone again.
suddenly, there was a thunder. and beomgy felt his body flinch, he felt his muscles tense up and his hands cramp.
beomgyu wasn’t afraid of thunderstorms and yet he felt deadly afraid.
his licked lips let out a whimper, one after another, until he began to quietly sob. he wondered, almost hoped, it would be enough to wake up anyone - soobin, preferably - but that didn‘t happen.
it didn‘t happen and neither his tears nor his fear of the unknown left him, not until the sun began to rise at 5:43 AM at least.
***
“beomgyu, your eyes are so puffy. you look like a panda, did you stay up too long again?“, yeonjun nagged at the younger the next morning. I didn‘t stay up too long, at least not voluntarily. I was afraid - i am afraid, someone help me, beomgyu laughed a little and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, hyung.“, was all he said. It had to be enough, he reassured himself even after yeonjun looked at him skeptical.
beomgyu decided to skip breakfast again that morning, he felt to exhausted and the bare thought of food inside him was driving him crazy. He hated it, he hated food in any way. It wasn’t because he was anorexic, at least that‘s what he thought (but could you really trust someone like him?), he genuinely felt disgusted. his friends knew he was a picky eater so it was no surprise when he told them that “no, i don‘t want to eat cereal, i don‘t like it“ even though everyone knew it was a lie - because two days ago beomgyu inhaled cereal like it was his only purpose. because he kept telling them to always buy exactly this kind of cereal because he absolutely loved it. then again, no one really cared anyways.
that’s what beomgyu said, to himself, completely ignoring the worried stares of taehyun and hueningkai. they didn‘t matter.
while his friends were eating, beomgyu entered the bathroom. he locked the door, checked twice to make sure it‘s really closed, then he stared at his reflection in the mirror and let himself break down.
break down - if that counted as a breakdown. he let his little soul cry out, punch the cruel prison of flesh, chew on the cruel metal bars made out of bones, hoping maybe soon it would get to break free.
but that never happened, it never got to this point.
beomgyu didn‘t cry, instead he just stared.
and he felt scared, scared of what was in front of him, scared of what was inside him.
***
beomgyu had finished his third day of not eating, his third day of interviews. “hyung, cuddle me.“, a sleepy hueningkai mumbled next to him. they all woke up at 6 AM, beomgyu didn‘t sleep because of his fears, today was their monthly health checkup. everyone was worried over everyone, just as always. taehyun and hueningkai were worried for yeonjun, because he lost too much weight too fast, beomgyu was worried for soobin because the older kept restricting himself in areas where there was never any form of restriction needed.
“alright, i‘m done. you’re next, beomgyu.“, yeonjun walked out (did his smile change? did he cry? just what happened inside there?) and immediately walked over to soobin, who welcomed him with open arms. beomgyu felt his skin itch, his heart rate going higher.
“how have you been?“ - “i‘ve been good.“
sleep? as much as possible.
food? not really, but enough to survive.
beomgyu was about to get up again, but then he asked “why am i always so afraid?“
the doctor brushed it off and said ii‘s because of the stress and pressure of the comeback.
beomgyu believed it, though he knew it wasn‘t true. he knew it because he wouldn’t sit here again, on the kitchen table, at 3 AM crying quietly and hoping that maybe today would be the day soobin woke up and helped him. that maybe today was the cold night where someone would dry his tears and unclench his jaw, hold him tight and gently make his muscles relax.
it wasn’t that day.
***
whatever it was that scared him, it was everywhere.
first, beomgyu thought it was social occasions, because he always felt scared before fansigns.
that wasn’t it.
then he thought that maybe he was actually afraid of food and the weight gain that mostly always came with it, because why else would he refuse to eat things?
that wasn’t it either.
it wasn’t the dark, or closed spaces, or dogs or loud noise either.
it wasn’t taehyun‘s hugs, hueningkai‘s gentle belly rubs or yeonjun‘s soft kisses.
it was nothing.
beomgyu was afraid of nothing, but everything at the same time.
he was afraid of social occasions, he felt his skin burn. did he look alright? did the picture turn out well? was there a camera while he was brushing his teeth, only in his underwear?
he was afraid of food, it made his throat go numb. was this cereal safe? was the milk still alright? was he too bloated after that small slice of apple? why did he feel so big suddenly - why did he feel so heavy now. why was he throwing up? was he sick? was he going to die?
he was afraid of the dark, of closed spaces, of dogs and loud noises. he flinched when hueningkai yelled too loudly, he felt tears come up when it was too dark in his room, he felt his body tense when he was alone in the elevator.
he was afraid of taehyun‘s hugs, hueningkai‘s gentle belly rubs and yeonjun‘s soft kisses. did he smell? was his skin too greasy? did he noticeably gain weight, did his stomach become pudgier? did they think of him as someone disgusting, as someone with no self control, someone who didn‘t know how to properly take care of himself?
the more beomgyu thought about it, the more he slowly figured out what was happening to him.
***
“3:02 AM, will it ever stop?“, he mumbled to himself, the same position as always, the fifth day in a row. if he kept up like that, beomgyu was certain he would pass out soon.
it was the fifth day a thunderstorm was outside, it was the fifth time beomgyu flinched when he heard thunder.
it was the fifth time beomgyu began to sob as fear filled his small-but-still-not-small-enough body, when his stomach turned in pain of not getting fed regular enough, when his head hurt because of the lack of sleep and his breath got more shallow.
beomgyu had enough, he was so done with everything.
he was done with clenching and unclenching his jaw and hands, he was so done with feeling his muscles tense up in fear.
he was tired of going crazy.
and yet there was nothing he could do, nothing he could do to stop his thoughts from spiraling.
“this isn‘t real, nothing is real.“
and suddenly the world seemed to stop turning.
***
beomgyu had found some new kind of comfort that night, even though he yet had to sleep - he managed to comfort himself when needed.
when his head told him to not cut his nail a bit too much so that his finger started bleeding, he just giggled.
“this isn‘t real, nothing is real.“
when his head told him to not cross the street without looking, he just smiled.
“this isn’t real, nothing is real.“
when beomgyu looked at his friends, he realised it again.
comfort, comfort didn‘t exist. comfort wasn‘t real, there was no such thing as comfort.
“they aren‘t real.“
***
on the sixth night, beomgyu could barely even focus on his fear, barely even push out tears from his eyes, barely even count the raindrops on the window.
he still wished for soobin to come, he had left his door a bit more open on purpose.
but his friend never did, he never came, he never heard him.
it made beomgyu wonder if soobin knew but purposely chose not to care.
and if that was the case, then what was the reason? why did none of them care?
why did yeonjun nag at him when he passed out during practice, why did taehyun sigh when he had to repeat his song line again, why did hueningkai whine when he had to clean up the mess beomgyu made, after his shaky hands dropped another bowl of food (purposely? maybe. maybe not? he didn‘t know.)
why did none of them care… why did no one care about beomgyu.
suddenly he began to feel something way worse than fear,
suddenly his tears rolled down his cheeks like two waterfalls,
suddenly he didn‘t even care about being quiet, just so no one woke up.
they didn‘t care anymore, they had let him go.
beomgyu raised his shaky hands to his face, cupped his own cheeks and let out a loud sob. he was no one now, he was nothing now. it was over, they had given up on him. given up - but did they ever fight for him? he wasn‘t quite sure how heartbreaks felt but he knew that the pain he felt in his chest was way worse. the way it had gotten too hard to breathe, he ended up holding his breath every 5 seconds, for exactly 8 seconds.
beomgyu had never wanted this to happen.
he looked over to soobin‘s room, he heard yeonjun‘s snores this time (both of them kept sharing a bed), he saw soobin‘s hand being draped over the bed, softly hanging down. one more turn and he would fall down.
there was no thunderstorm this time, the moon was shining. any yet it wasn‘t enough - not enough to calm him down, not enough to wake someone up.
with another loud sob, beomgyu slowly got up from the kitchen table. his legs had gotten numb from all the sitting, his head had stopped hurting (his body seemed to know he wouldn‘t take care of a walking corpse anymore), his stomach was shutting down.
with heavy legs, beomgyu pulled himself to his room.
another sob, another hopeful glance to taehyun‘s sleeping figure, another stab in the chest.
they had given up, given up a fight they never even fought for.
beomgyu let himself fall down, missing the bed with his lower body. his head hit his mattress, his knees automatically pulled up to his chest. even if he slept now, he wouldn‘t never feel rest again.
one last sob, one last wish sent to heaven, one last declined wish for comfort, beomgyu closed his eyes.
it was 5:53 AM when beomgyu finally fell asleep, giving up the fight no one had even tried to fight.
they had let him care for himself alone and yet they had been the first ones to give up.
beomgyu just wondered how his mind didn‘t let him realize that taehyun had woken up when he entered the room, he wondered how his mind didn‘t let him see yeonjun‘s figure in front of him, while he had walked to his bed.
“they aren‘t real, nothing is real.“