Work Text:
"so, i heard. you lost your chan's therapy room virginity." jisung commented as they started to work at the studio, once again.
"i did, i did indeed. he's-he's a good therapist." changbin chuckled, glancing down in his lap. this was still weird, but he was getting a little better.
"we need to finish drafting three more songs, then re-record them with the official voices." chan said, walking back in from where he had been talking with yugyeom.
"i have-i have a..." changbin stopped talking, realizing that jisung and chan were engrossed in conversation.
he was trying to get better, be better. but it was hard, he wasn't sure how to work, how conversations work, how relationships, emotions and respect work. it hurt his brain to think about, wooyoung told him he seemed rude a lot, wooyoung knows its hard for changbin to understand but he tried his best to teach changbin how it worked.
"can we use my song?!" he blurted out, interrupting jisung and chan's conversation, slapping his hands over his mouth after.
"what song, bin?" chan asked, looking at changbin's wide eyes.
"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to-to-to interrupt i was just thinking about it and then suddenly it came out of my mouth and you and sungie were talking, and that was rude, was that rude? fuck, i'm dumb- you know what i'm gonna go on a walk!" changbin exclaimed, running out the door.
"wha- is he- should we-" jisung stumbled, looking at chan with confusion, "should we find him?"
"give him a little, i-i've been talking to wooyoung, trying to find more about bin, to help him. he has never really been good at social norms by the sounds of it, the way his parents treated him didn't really help, he's pretty quiet so he doesn't fuck stuff up is what wooyoung said. he probably feels like shit right now and that's okay." chan commented, a sad smile on his face.
chan was right, changbin was leaning against a wall a halway or two down, completely out of breath.
"god damnit changbin, it's been years since you've fucked up like that outside of wooyoung and the hyungs... fuck what will they think of you, you had been doing so well." he cursed himself over and over, he needed to go on a walk, he needed to go outside he need to-
he needed to go to the bridge.
he was walking down that oh-so-familiar street once again. it wasn't too late yet, just now getting dark, the streetlights turning on one by one as he saw the bridge in his sight of vision.
he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket as he took stride by stride, he had been gone for too long, he wasn't in the building nor his - no, chan's - apartment.
it reminded him of that night, when he sat on the railing of the bridge, it was cold against the back of his thighs, a chill shivering through his body as he watched the water below him once again.
he was alone again, by his on doing. that's how it always seemed to be anymore. just him, because he felt safe, homely, comfortable,,, loved even. it's a lot for a boy like changbin. because changbin has never felt safe, homely comfortable and loved before. he didn't know how to respond, how to act nor what was right and wrong.
all changbin knew was; run, hide, fight.
so he ran.
"chan-hyung...it's been 20 minutes." jisung paced, holding his favorite stuffed animal in his arms strongly.
"i know, i know." chan sighed, he was the same when he first met minho and the rest of the boys, and he wasn't sure how the hell they dealt with it.
"we have to do something." jisung stated, opening the door, nodding for chan to follow.
"you go down to jihyo-noona and the girls, ask if they've seen him, i'll go to the boys." jisung sighed as they walked out.
"okay, i think yeji and her girls are with your brother and his friends right now anyways." chan mumbled, running off towards jihyo's studio.
"channie -ah? what are you doing here?" dahyun asked softly, letting the taller male into the cramped studio.
"uh, i-i uh, have you seen a boy about the height of jeongyeon-noona, he-he has these round glasses and-and he has a dragon tattoo on his back, he was wearing a tupac beanie, too." chan stumbled through his words, he had to be in the building, if he had gone outside, chan wasn't....chan wasn't sure they'd find him.
"he passed me when i was coming in from work. changbin-ah right?" sana asked, a look of relief washing over the males face.
"yes, changbin. do you have any idea where he is?" chan was hopeful, he might steal be in the building, maybe crying in a bathroom stall like jeongin did for awhile.
"outside. it looked like he went to the left." sana commented.
they could all tell that chan's heart dropped.
he was scared, to say the least. by now, changbin could be anywhere, on a bus to god knows where, laying on the side of the street begging for a little cash because he left his wallet with them.
there was one thought that he was even more scared of, it was worse than changbin running farther, much, much worse. maybe, god chan hopes not, but maybe, he's laying lifeless in the water, lungs filled with water, pedestrians so hopelessly oblivious to the body under the bridge.
the bridge.
before any of the girls could say anything, chan was out the door, running down to where jisung was.
"i know where he is. follow me. now." chan panted, barely stopping before running off again, he wouldn't let one of his boys hurt like that, he wouldn't let one of his boys leave him.
he wouldn't let changbin leave them.
the water was tempting again, the streetlights reflecting onto the flowing water.
maybe, if he did it quicker this time, if he didn't get into his head, get all sentimental of how the only way he imagined breathing right at that exact moment, was to fill his lungs with water, and let go. he would succeed.
maybe, he would lean forward just a tad bit. he wouldn't let go, probably, no he'd just lean forwards a bit. let himself know how the wind feels against his back as he loosely holds his own life in its grip against the railing.
maybe, he had slowly let one hand go, letting himself be pulled, closer and closer to the water, hypnotized under its call. his eyes would shut and it would be just him, the wind, and that steel loosely held between his hand.
he didn't know. maybe, he hadn't done any of that, maybe he had just done it. just...just let go of it all. but what he knew. in that moment in time, was that he was in the water, mouth open, reflex's on high, begging for air.
he didn't know, that the water in his lungs would hurt so bad. he didn't know that he would be letting go so painful. he didn't know...he didn't know why people were screaming.
jisung froze upon seeing the scene in front of him, chan had ripped off his shirt running into the water to lift up changbin who was floating-floating lifeless in the water, skin pale and hair damp against his forehead. he had helped his suicidal friends before, he had heard the stories of their plans, of what they wanted to do. he had dreamed of those exact moments happening far more times than he was comfortable with. but this-
this was real.
changbin was on the verge of death, and he was frozen. changbin, who he didn't even know what his favorite color was, changbin who he called "bud" on their first meeting, changbin who was scared, changbin who he cared for, seo changbin, whom he had grown to love.
jisung was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of coughing, echoing through his ears and sobs he spines recognized as chan's.
"cant breathe." changbin wheezed, laying on his back and closing his eyes again, coughing once more.
jisung watched as chan started performing cpr on the male, mind and body finally working together to call an ambulance, to try and save changbin.
chan was crying as he heard the sirens approaching them, changbin in his arms, breathing- barely- but breathing. it scared him, just as it did jisung. they were for awfully different reasons, but scared nonetheless.
chan was scared because he had never ever been on the giving end of this routine. he also hadn't gone through this for a long time, almost all of his boys have had suicidal tendencies, but they had gotten it figured out before it came to this point.
it had been not even a month since they started this whole mess, but they cared fir one another quite a lot, not even just the three of them, all eight of them, had become both inseparable and incredibly awkward in the most perfect way.
chan was scared. he didn't want to lose changbin before he even knew him, of course, he knew him. but he didnt know him know him. he hadn't made a list of his favorite and least favorite foods, he didn't know if the boy had any allergies, what his favorite food, color, song, movie, tv show, not musical was.
jisung had sent chan in the ambulance with a wheezing changbin, it was hesitated but the right choice. he called hyunjin soon after, briefly explaining the situation before being picked up and brought back home. his favorite stuffed animal still tight in his clutches.
he was restless as he tried to sleep, unsure he could truly get any when he was unaware of the state of his friend. it was as if the other two could tell something was up, both barging into hyunjin and jisungs room, insisting they play uno. and even though the other two both knew that it was a ploy to get into a group cuddle session without having to directly ask.
it was actually pretty nice for a while, it took all their minds off of their worries, both changbin related and not. laughing hysterically as hyunjin had to draw a total of 32 cards at the end of a stack up, tickling each other excitedly when the victim exclaimed uno, groaning when the popcorn machine "beeped to loudly" even though the four of them were much louder.
along the way of uno, was movie night, binge watching the barbie movies and passing out one by one, limbs tangled together and dying of heat.
chan, on the other hand, did not get his sleep to come quite as nicely. rather than a soft pillow fort with three of his best friends cuddled together giggling and laughing, he was in an uncomfortable plastic arm chair. his legs draped over the side and eyes covered with changbins wet jacket as the hospital lights were so obnoxiously bright. he could hear doctors talking and people anxiously filing in and out if the doors.
at one point he had finally gotten the sense to call minho and jeongin, telling them he wouldn't be coming home, and had decided to go on a walk as he spoke.
his decision did not end well as his neck cramped painfully at the reposition. he sighed, going back to his original, oh-so painful position. clicking on minho's contact.
"what's up hyung?" minho answered hurridley, it was nearly a quarter to six, and although chan did have a habit of getting home late, after sunrise was a truly rare occasion.
"i'm not going to make it home tonight." he explained.
"would've liked to hear that a few hours ago, but okay." he heard jeongin mumble grumpily.
"why is innie still up?" chan pondered nervously, that kid.
"he was worried, you weren't home when he went to the bathroom at 4, came panicking into my room, we've been up watching netflix ever since." minho explained pointedly, it was kind of chan's fault for worrying them.
"you better not be watching sotus without me." chan joked, hoping to get past, why he wasn't home.
"yeah, yeah whatever, why aren't you coming home, hyung?" jeongin asked nervously, did something happen to chan? to jisung? to changbin? to one of the other boys?
"a lot." chan sighed, he was screwed...he could hang up before answering but then he'd just be in more trouble. "changbin...changbin-ah, he-he's been going through some hard times. since even before ji and i met him, he has this best friend..."
"wooyoung, right? jung wooyoung." minho piped in, startling chan.
"yeah, wooyoung. i've been talking to him for a while, to try and- try and help binnie....he didn't go into detail but his parents- changbin's parents- aren't the greatest to say the least. he never really understood or learned how the world works for most of us, it's why he stays quiet a lot. ever since he was a kid, changbin has-has-has seemingly hated himself from what wooyoung said. and-and the hatred was too much. he-he tried to- he tried to- fuck, he tried to kill himself." chan felt as if the world stopped turning when he finaly admitted what happened, a million thoughts rushing through his head as minho and jeongin started crying.
"i'm really sorry, i'll keep you guys updated, i have to-i have to make a call." chan let out shakily, hanging up.
before he could even try and find a way to contact, eunkwang and the rest of the tattoo parlor staff, nor wooyoung, the group of seven tattoo artists and eight college student came barging into the hospital.
"where is he?" wooyoung panted, frantically looking around before landing his eyes on chan. "you- you bastard! my-my best friend might die because of you!"
"wooyoung, stop." san tried, grabbing his lovers arms comfortingly, only to be thrown off.
"no! no! if he-if he hadn't met this-this bastard he wouldn't be here! he wouldn't of felt like this!" wooyoung shouted, tears rolling down his face, btob were trying to explain to the nurses that they got it under control.
"he was at the bridge." chan said, causing the entire room to snap into silence, "he accidently interrupted a conversation between jisung-ah and i, you know how he gets, said he was going on a walk, with my-my boys i let them cool down, they always came back before too long. 20 minutes, jisung finally convinced me that he wasn't coming back..." chan continued.
wooyoung and his boyfriends were anxiously listening, though only wooyoung and btob only truly knew the male, they all were scared. eunkwang and changsub were trying to coax more information out of the nurse in the corner while the other five were listening painfully.
"we checked with the other music students, i-i don't know about jisung-ah's conversation, but i went to jihyo and her girls, you know jihyo, right? well anyways, sana-ssi, she saw him walk out the building, we realized it was the bridge and started running to it, to try and get there before changbin did it, i was hoping that he had gotten distracted with his thoughts again, would hold him off long enough for us to get there. we-we saw him let go from about two block aways, he was just a blob but we knew it was him- or at least i did. jisung froze when we got there- god he was just-just floating, he was pale and-and lifeless. i got him out, gave him cpr, and jisung called the hospital. i-i haven't heard anything about his condition since we got here." chan finally finished, breath shaky.
"you know, jisung and i really care about changbin, he's so sweet and kind when he decides to be, he can be a pain in the ass but it's so wonderful, it feels as if i've known him my whole life. but it's also funny, because this guy, who feels like home, that i've as of two minutes ago known for one whole month, means an insane amount to me. fuck, i don't even know his favorite color..." chan ranted, more to himself than anyone.
"pink." sungjae spoke up, causing the younger ones to snap their attention to him, "his favorite color is pink."
"huh...it suits him." chan laughed pathetically.
"his favorite movie is the dead poets society and his favorite tv series is sky castle." wooyoung added, "i was with him when we watched dead poets society for the first time, the movie means a lot to him, especially that one line....carpe diem-" wooyoung was cut off by chan, startling the younger.
"sieze the day."
"yeah, robin williams says it, "carpe dieam, sieze the day my boys."
"oh captain, my captain." chan chuckled dryly, they all had respectivley broken off into their own conversations by now, it was just him and wooyoung.
"oh captain, my captain." wooyoung returned, a sad smile upon his face.
chan, eunkwang, and wooyoung went in first, when changbin woke up, the people he was closest with of his three sorta families.
"hey." he mumbled, fiddling with his fingers.
"don't hey me, seo changbin. you scared me." wooyoung teased lightly, testing the waters.
"did something happen, that we should know about?" it was eunkwang this time, placing a gentle hand on the males shoulder.
"i didn't mean to let go, then. just wanted to look at the river, i don't- i don't remember letting go, or falling. just kinda - kinda did. it hurt, a lot, and then channie-hyung brought me out of the water, and i was coughing..." changbin explained, a nurse was in the room with them, writing down the statements as he spoke.
"we care about you, bin. we want to help you get better." chan spoke, grabbing the smaller's hand, "please, let us help you."
changbin went home with chan the next day, dressed in a warm and fuzzy grey hoodie, and black cargo pants, he had lost his glasses in the river so he was just kind of fumbling around, hoping to get somewhere. he had seven tight hugs waiting when he got him, they were all still in their pajamas, signs if crying across their faces. he hoped it was just a sad movie though he knew different.
the eight of them ate breakfast and gossiped, almost as if nothing happend, they all were aware of changbin, checking on him every so often through out the day, making sure someone was in charge of his pills (read: chan), and trying their best to help. and they would continue to do so for awhile.
they astablished a weekly check in after two weeks of this somewhat routine, they called it "the stray kids annonymous." they just talked, all of them. about their problems, their struggles, gossip they heard from the non-stop-chatter-box park jeongwoo, resources they found for each other, and questions for one another.
changbin had made yet another close friend, choi hyunsuk along the way. the two had gotten close through 'ASCA' (adult survivors of child abuse), and both changbin's stray kids, and hyunsuk's treasure were happy they had gotten help.
oh, and changbin did get to put his song in the album, it was called, streetlight.