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"Hey Kiri! I've found something real cool!" Kaminari said, his face lit with mischievous excitement, like a cat about to present its owner with its newest catch, proud of it, without knowing that all normal humans hate that, but a cat doesn't care about what humans like, it only knows how to make their lives more miserable, Aizawa doesn't like cats for nothing.
"What is it man?" replied Kirishima, like the oblivious sweetheart he is.
"Did you know that Crimson Riot wrote a research paper on how penguins are fake?" Sero chimed in, his face scrunched up, trying to hide the amount of pain he was in due to stopping his laughter.
"For real?! Show me dude, show me!" Kirishima exclaimed, his whole body vibrating with excitement. If he had a tail, it would have been wagging like Iida's arm chops™.
"Yes! It's right here!" Kaminari said, before shoving a small booklet looking thing onto his hands. It had something written on it, but the legibility was a different issue altogether. The writing looked like it was written by dipping a bird's leg in ink, and not by any conventional writing material. Maybe they had Tokoyami write it. (Is it quirkist if I say that? Mayhaps )
"Whoa! You say this is written by Crimson Riot?" Kirishima asked hesitantly. The weird writing was barely legible, but his friends wouldn’t lie, right?
"Yup"
"That's so cool man!!! I can't wait to show this to everyone!" Kirishima exclaimed, eager to spread the message of manliness that came from the origin of manliness itself.
"Uh.. Do you have to? Like, can't you just read it all by yourself?" Kaminari asked, fully knowing that if this came out to everyone, he may or may not be alive by tomorrow.
"No! That wouldn't be manly at all! Crimson Riot is the epitome of manliness, if I don't show this to our friends, it wouldn't be manly at all!"
"Please reconsider this Kiri, they may not like it!" Kaminari pleaded, getting desperate to stop his demise.
"Whether they like it or not, I will show them. Manliness should be spread, if you don't spread it, it's not manliness anymore! Manliness is being hard like a rock and spreading the message to be hard as a rock! You can't be hard and not think about making your friends hard!" By now, Kirishima was so deep into the well of manliness that he could not understand his words.
"B-but Kiri", a last effort, but alas, Kirishima could not be persuaded.
"No buts man, I am gonna make everyone hard as a rock. Spreading is the essence of manliness. And I will spread!"
If a normal person, that wasn't the idiotic duo of Kaminari and Sero, were there, they would have laughed their ass off at the absurd wording of their manliest friend. Alas, there wasn't anyone else there and the duo had to think of something to save their hide. They did not have time to think about something as absurd as Kiri's words. They were too busy dreading about their future, or lack thereof, as sensei wasn't going to leave them alive after this stunt.
"Hey Midoribro!" Kirishima called out to Midoriya, who was muttering about how Aizawa had two quirks. It was pretty much a statement to how much time he has spent around Todoroki.
"Yes, Kirishima?" Midoriya replied.
"Did you know that Penguins aren’t real?" Kirishima said, completely oblivious of the sheer idiocy of the statement.
"N-no? Penguins are real. They mostly live in the tundra regions so you may not have seen one in your life." Midoriya said, trying to quell whatever doubts his friend may have about penguins. Unbeknownst to him, his friend was a manly man first.
"No Midoribro, that's not true. According to a study by Crimson Riot himself, penguins are mythical creatures!"
By this point in his life, Midoriya Izuku had cultivated a few skills, how not to break bones (mostly), how to not cry every time Eri draws a new picture of him (again mostly), how not to blush around every girl (especially Uraraka) all the time, and most importantly, how not to be too skeptical about the world, especially after the whole Holy wars thingy. That was something.
Instead of speaking any of that, he replied lamely with an "oh", and went on with his life. He still had to write that thesis on secondary quirk and their applications after all. Principal Nedzu would be proud.
——————
The whole “penguins are a myth” thing remained between Kirishima and Midoriya, and Kaminari couldn't be any more happier. This stunt of his was sure to give him at least another month of detention. Not to mention the detention Sero would get for his absolutely garbage handwriting. Aizawa sensei didn't like bad handwriting and Aizawa sensei also didn't like Sero and Kaminari (probably) so the added detention may as well be over two months. Kaminari also has detention for the whole horny jail incident, which to be honest, he didn't understand all, but that's not really a new thing for Kaminari, his less than stellar thinking skills have put him in great problems time and again. Like giving his homework to Shigaraki which, well he didn't know that he was Shigaraki, so he gets an excuse for that. Anyway, the point is that Kaminari is very happy for himself and Sero.
Or he was, but it all changed when the fire nati- uh, sorry , but it all changed when Midoriya had half a midlife crisis and half panic attack in the cafeteria.
"U-uraraka, Iida, T-to-todoroki, Penguins aren't real…", he broke down, crying. That wasn't a new occurrence, but that didn't stop them from worrying for him.
"What do you mean Deku? Of course they are real.", the space-witch tried to reason, like he had tried to do a few days ago. It didn't work then, it wasn't going to work now.
"No Uraraka, t-they aren't!" Midoriya said in between sniffles. Todoroki handed him his special All Might themed Tears Go Away Handkerchief™ that he carried to either spite Endeavor or to give it to Midoriya every time he cried.
"What are you trying to say Midoriya? I am afraid I do not understand. Does it have to do with Kaminari? Or is another cult starting to form?" Iida said, his slow chopping of arms matching his confused demeanor.
Listening to those words, one Todoroki Shouto had an odd gleam in his eyes. Like he had stumbled upon a goldmine. Everyone knows that he lives on two things, spite and conspiracy theories. This outburst definitely had the second thing. He was going to get to the bottom of this, one way or another.
"Who told you that Midoriya? Was it Sir Kaminari or someone else?" Todoroki asked curiously.
Yes, Todoroki calls Sir Kaminari Sir. Someone who can come up with such incredibly intelligent thoughts and who is probably the secret love child of Nedzu requires at least that much respect.
"N-no, it was Kirishima."
That… doesn't make any sense? How can such a thing come from someone who is as simple as Kirishima. Don't get him wrong, everyone loves Kirishima, but his thoughts do not revolve around deep philosophy or mythology. That is Sir Kaminari's field.
"Are you sure Midoriya?" Todoroki asked, just to be confirmed.
"Y-yes, he said that he came across an a-article by Crimson Riot." Midoriya replied truthfully.
"Let me see this mess through Todoroki." Uraraka said, and whoa, those eyes. Uraraka is going to do something . He doesn't like those eyes. Someone is going to get hurt. Hard . And if his father had taught him anything, self preservation was one of the first things. He backed away as quickly as possible, leaving the whole matter to Uraraka. She's better at solving these things anyway.
Kaminari felt a weird feeling down his spine. Upon looking at Sero, he seemed to have experienced the same. This was bad. Really bad.
"Hey Kirishima." Uraraka called out, her demeanor reminiscent of a loan shark. She closed in on him, slowly coming closer and closer, her mind set on sending him to the stratosphere for making Deku cry over nothing. His time is over.
"Yes Chivalraka!" Kirishima replied normally, using a name that would give anyone migraines.
Chivalraka Uraraka stumbled on her feet upon hearing the same God forsaken nickname that Kirishima has given her. She has tried time and again to make him not say that, even tried to make him say her own name to stop him from speaking this horrendous name, but to no avail.
"...how many times have I told you not to call me that?" she inquired, clearly pissed.
"But you are Chivalrous! Why would I not call you that!", he answered, clearly honest.
"Ugh, fine whatever, just tell me why did you lie to Deku?" her stupid nickname could wait. She needed answers.
"What lie? I don't lie, lying isn't manly!"
"You told Deku that penguins aren't real, he had a breakdown about them!" Uraraka raised her voice, getting real pissed.
"But that isn't a lie? Penguins do don't exist! Crimson Riot wrote an essay about that!" Kirishima said with the same reverence that Deku has when speaking about All Might. So, he probably does think that it's true.
"Who told you that Kirishima?" she questioned, trying to get to the person who made her Deku cry.
"It was Kaminari and Sero, they came to me with a paper written by Crimson Riot! It was written in a super weird font too, had a hard time reading it. Totally real!" Kirishima said manlyly.
You may think that how can someone be so stupid? But Kirishima isn't stupid, he's just manly, and doesn't think that his friends would lie to him, especially by taking Crimson Riot's name. All this was the fault of Kaminari and Sero, and now they will know pain.
