Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

PART ONE

Please Please Me:

1. I Saw Her Standing There: the lyrics are about a girl, but the vibe is very gay. we can just pretend it’s about john, okay?? also “you know what I mean?” Gay. 6/10
2. Misery: okay, so, it could just be about a breakup… but… what if the REAL REASON THE WORLD IS TREATING HIM BAD IS BECAUSE HOMOPHOBIA AND THE GIRL IS HIS BEARD!!! Also, the gays are very familiar with misery, so it checks out. 5/10
3. Anna (Go To Him): he doesn’t want the girl anymore and is willingly sending her away so… win?? 4.5/10
4. Chains: stuck in a het relationship while all you wanna do is just love the person you’re actually in love with, because the world is homophobic: I wanna tell you, pretty baby / I think you're fine / I'd like to love you / But, darling, I'm imprisoned by these / Chains / My baby's got me locked up in chains 7/10
5. Boys: it’s literally about kissing boys 10/10
6. Ask Me Why: john’s so in love with SOMEONE. a boy or a girl? paul? who knows? 7/10
7. Please Please Me: john wants to get his dick sucked. could be a girl, but… “please please me, woah yeah, like i please you”?? 69 confirmed. 8/10
8. Love Me Do: do me, love. John and Paul are horny and singing together, with Paul asking him to “do” him. pretty gay. 6/10
9. P.S. I Love You: very straight. Although writing desperate love letters to your distant lover is pretty gay. But that doesn’t really come across very well. 1/10
10. Baby It’s You: again, an ambiguous “baby”. also “it doesn't matter what they say/ I know I'm gonna love you any old way”. could be gayer, but an attempt was made. it’s a cover though, so we’ll forgive them. 5/10
11. Do You Want To Know A Secret: secret love??? in the 60s?? how much gayer do you even need it to be?? 8/10
12.  A Taste of Honey: literally about eating pussy so… 1/10 but, if a girl is singing it, 1000/10
13. There’s A Place: the wonders of masturbating. Paul and John get to escape heteronormativity in their head and masturbate while thinking about the other saying “i love you”. 9.5/10
14. Twist and Shout: it’s just horny. who is twisting? we don’t know! could be anyone. bi vibes all around. extra points for the screams. and for john being topless while singing it, while the others were jumping up and down and encouraging him. Also… lots of sweating going on after a 12 hour recording session. 7/10

Average Score: 6.1/10

With The Beatles:

1. It Won’t Be Long: just sounds very heterosexual. although you can make it gay if you try hard enough… “every night, when everybody has fun / here am I, sitting all on my own” but it doesn’t really give off any of those vibes. shame for such a good song. 1/10 :( erectile dysfunction 
2. All I’ve Got To Do: being ready to throw everything into the wind and rush over to your love to help them with whatever they need? Gay. 6/10
3. All My Loving: it’s on the same level as P.S. I Love You. doesn’t specify a girl at least, but it doesn’t feel very gay either. Points for trying.  2/10
4. Don’t Bother Me: george just wants to be left alone. 0/10
5. Little Child: no gay person would call their lover “little child”.  0/10
6. Till There Was You: Paul singing a slow ballad in a club full of rowdy horny german men and getting them to actually love it? that’s gay. also ballads are gay. 5/10
7. Please Mister Postman: does the singer want to have a threesome with the postman and his girlfriend? there’s a lot of begging going around. also originally by the marvelettes, a motown girl group. minus points for changing the pronouns to make a heteronormative song. 6/10 
8. Roll Over Beethoven: gay for beethoven?? maybe?? really, george just wants to fuck sexy rock’n roll really really badly: “hey diddle-diddle, imma play my fiddle” 3/10
9. Hold Me Tight: holding your loved one? pretty gay. no pronouns, also “it feels so right now/ hold me tight /tell me I'm the only one / and then I might / never be the lonely one”, repressed gay feelings feeling good when they finally come out? sounds gay to us! also the gay sex was so good john and paul clearly forgot how to write good lyrics. 10/10 i’m yearning for cuddles
10.  You’ve Really Got A Hold On Me: another girl group cover. “i don’t like you, but i love you”, “i don't want you, but i need you”, “don't want to kiss you, but i need you” … how much gayer can it get? forbidden love? unwanted love? internalised homophobia?? 8.5/10
11. I Wanna Be Your Man: anything ringo sings is just a little bit gay. it just sounds gay. also john and paul wrote this eye-to-eye so… they were basically singing this to each other, confessing their feelings. you can’t prove otherwise. 7/10
12. Devil In Her Heart: elvis cover. that makes it a little gay. other than that, george is trapped in a very heterosexual, worrysome relationship. he should get out of there. also his wise, most likely gay friends have been warning him. 2/10
13. Not A Second Time: lyrics say “you”, which in john’s case could always mean it’s gay, but there aren’t much gay vibes. up to personal interpretation. 2/10
14. Money (That’s What I Want): they just want money. 0/10
15.  

Average Score: 5.4/10

A Hard Day’s Night:

1. A Hard Day’s Night: a horny song sung by horny gays. probably written about their girlfriends, but BI PEOPLE EXIST, SUSAN. so we’ll give it some extra points for bi representation. 4/10
2. I Should Have Known Better: very gay vibes. mentions a girl, but… also “i never realized what a kiss could be” is that moment when you first kiss someone of the same gender and stuff just *clicks*. also, this “i should have realized a lot of things before, if this is love you've got to give me more”. exquisite gay mood. 10/10
3. If I Fell: has there ever been anything more intimately gay than john and paul singing this song in soft harmony while sharing a microphone, sounding like they are singing it to each other only? no. also the lyrics will break you and were written on the back of a valentine’s card. how could this be any more romantic?? 100000000/10
4. I’m Happy Just To Dance With You: a very happy song, extra points for not including pronouns. george is happy to dance with you. for once someone is not horny. also written by john and paul, which adds to the points. could be gayer, but extra points for all the fluff. 4/10
5. And I Love Her: very straight. just… what do you expect. pass. 0/10 
6. Tell Me Why: not very gay at all, but is a little saved by the “is there anything i can do?” part. also, no pronouns used. 2/10
7. Can’t Buy Me Love: “i'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend / if it makes you feel all right”, aka just gals being pals. has a nice gay groove to the whole song. 8/10
8. Anytime At All: not much of a gay vibe, although includes the nice “call me and i’ll drop everything” notion. also no pronouns, which in john’s songs automatically makes it gay :) 4/10 
9. I’ll Cry Instead: not very gay. like at all. just john being upset about his breakup and deciding to fuck more girls, because he’s totally over her. that’s some straight man bullshit. also not wanting to cry in public. :( let it go, john. toxic masculinity: the song. 0/10
10. Things We Said Today: clearly written about jane, but it also has an unexplainable gay vibe. something in this song is gay, but we’re not sure what. but it is there. we are confused, but also feeling the gay vibes. 6/10 ???????????????????????
11. When I Get Home: talks about getting home to john’s wife. very straight. :( 0/10
12. You Can’t Do That: john gets into his personal issues. is afraid of losing his loved one to another boy, then gets into a jealous sulk, aka, the song. you can make this very gay. we want a gay musical with beatles songs. also this song has the same inexplicable gay vibe as things we said today. why? we don’t know. but the vibes are there. 8/10
13. I’ll Be Back: sad :( sad gay vibes. lyrics that make you go 🙃. has anyone ever noticed the lyrics of this song? what are they about?? so very personal, john sounds vulnerable??? a heartbreak that definitely isn’t about cynthia??? what is going on with this song. in any case, very gay. this album is full of obscure gay vibes. hmm, weird. all written by john and paul too. odd. 9/10 

Average Score: 7 692 311.9/10 

Beatles For Sale

1. No Reply: gays having fun in the studio. YOUR FACE! weird gay vibes. 5/10
2. I’m A Loser: “i'm a loser / and I'm not what I appear to be” this just sounds gay. other than that… ??? obscure gay vibes again. 4/10
3. Baby’s In Black: :( not a gay song. empathic vibes. john wants to fuck a widow. one point for it being about astrid, who is on a whole another level of “vibes”. 1/10 
4. Rock and Roll Music: chuck berry wants to fuck rock’n roll. that is Gay. 2/10 
5. I’ll Follow The Sun: paul says “friend” again when he means “lover”. guess it’s nice he thinks of girls as actual human beings for once, but also it makes it a little gay. 4/10 
6. Mr Moonlight: very very very bi. also hints at a threesome with the moon? john is literally begging on his knees in front of mr. moonlight. HMM 7/10
7. Kansas City Medley: little richard cover. paul definitely had some gay feelings for little richard. also little richard was gay so… it’s just gay. 5/10
8. Eight Days A Week: very soft, very sweet, very straight. “girl” is mentioned many times. get it together guys. 2/10
9. Words of Love: harmonies are gay. you heard it here first folks. just the way paul and john breathe this song out into the same mic gives it exquisite gay vibes. 9/10
10. Honey Don’t: a very straight song but ringo telling george to rock on one time for him is adorable and makes our heart sing. 1/10
11.  Every Little Thing: the lyrics are very straight, but it’s a very john song, and that makes it gay. paul wrote it, which makes it feel 100% straight, but since john is the one singing it the vibes Are There, and they are Strong. 5/10
12.  I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party: john is keen on practising social distancing. good boy. other than that it’s not particularly gay but you CAN make it gay if you want to. pronoun game 👀 4/10
13.  What You’re Doing: paul is anxious about women’s sexual liberation. #teamjane. not much gayness here :( 2/10 
14.  Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby: everybody???? 👀👀 george turning every man at least bisexual. bi people are made of honey. checks out. 5/10

Average Score: 4/10

Help!

1. Help!: help indeed, mood. not very gay, though. 2/10 because the gays are depressed. pls someone help john.
2. The Night Before: so very gay. a desperate plea from paul to his gay lover to not forget him after he let him take his virginity.  also the line “when I think of things we did, it makes me wanna cry” is heartbreaking. pls come back to paul, gay lover. 90/10
3. You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away: JOHN DID HAVE TO HIDE HIS LOVE AWAY!! 😭😭😭 unbelievable gay vibes. (if you sing along, you’re gay, we don’t make the rules. bonus points for singing the flute part from the right octave) 110000000/10
4. I Need You: george is in love with pattie, and that’s valid ‘cause we’re gay. we’re in love with pattie, too. 0/10
5. Another Girl: paul’s being a slut. at least he’s honest about it. groovy, tho 0/10
6. You’re Gonna Lose That Girl: if a girl covered this… it would be top tier gay. definite obscure gay vibes again. the lads seem to be good at those. mlm and wlw solidarity.  8/10 
7. Ticket To Ride: a song that at a first glance looks straight, but upon closer inspection you find out that the girl in question is in fact a lesbian, and living with john is “brining her down, yeah!” absolute gay vibes all the way through. she’s got a ticket to ride, but she just don’t care about riding those things… 👀 10/10
8. Act Naturally: wouldn’t be gay, but it’s sung by ringo, and it’s a country song. cowboys = gay. 3/10
9. It’s Only Love: “it's only love and that is all /why should I feel the way I do?/ it's only love and that is all / but it's so hard loving you” DO YOU WANT TO SEE US CRYING, CAUSE HERE WE ARE. 9/10
10. You Like Me Too Much: how is every song george writes so straight? cute song, but somehow misses all the vibes checks. points for no pronouns. 1/10
11. Tell Me What You See: another song about paul trying to make his gay lover see that being gay is all right, and that if his gay lover only opened his eyes and looked at paul, he would see paul is just a normal lad, and that his sexuality doesn’t define who he is. a quirky duet with john. hmm. also “open up your eyes now, tell me what you see / it is no surprise now, what you see is me” is some lsd trip with john foreshadowing 7/10
12. I’ve Just Seen A Face: paul is having his gay revelation and masking it under a cutesy song about some random girl he just saw. “i have never known / the like of this, i've been alone / and I have missed things / and kept out of sight / but other girls were never quite like this”. just remove the “other girls”, and you’ll have every gay’s first moment of realising they’re gay. relatable! also, not forgetting bisexuals, which we both are. we also Feel This. 8/10
13. Yesterday: not really gay at all. very sad. 0/10
14. Dizzy Miss Lizzy: drag queens?? cross-dressers?? listen, something about this just isn’t straight. 6/10

Average Score: 7 857 153.1/10

Rubber Soul

1. Drive My Car: we’re not sure whether we think this song is gay because we have a crush on the girl in it, or if it falls under the “obscure gay vibes” category. the beep beep is gay though. 9/10
2. Norwegian Wood: “we were just trying to write songs about prostitutes and lesbians, that's all.”- paul mccartney. the girl in this song is undoubtedly a lesbian and i would let her step on me. ‘nuff said. 10/10
3. You Won’t See Me: another “paul pines after jane” song. we don’t know if we are getting gay vibes out of it cos we too pine after jane. we are most likely not able to stay objective in this case. skip 3/10
4. Nowhere Man: john pining after paul? woah never heard that one before. also “nowhere man please listen / you don't know what you're missing” come to the gay side, paul. we have biscuits 10/10
5. Think For Yourself: for some reason george songs just don’t have any other vibes than “leave me alone” and “fuck you”. i’m sorry george :( who hurt you? 0/10
6. The Word: gay af. rainbows drawn around the original lyric sheet. gayyyy! 10/10
7. Michelle: how is it always paul who writes the songs with the obscure gay vibes? is it because we’re gay? holy shit. 5/10
8. What Goes On: not very gay? even though it’s ringo singing (which usually makes it even a little bit gay) for some reason here that’s not the case 2/10 cos it’s ringo singing
9. Girl: john’s trapped in an abusive relationship and he needs out. probably to live with a gay lover instead. again, obscure beatles gay vibes. what is going on here 7/10
10. I’m Looking Through You: realising you’re in a relationship with a closeted person. i thought i knew you, what did i know / you don't look different, but you have changed / i'm looking through you / you're not the same. (btw props to paul and jane for trying to make their relationship work through all their issues. good straight representation (kinda… not really...don’t think too hard about it)) 6/10
11. In My Life: HOW MUCH GAYER DO YOU NEED A SONG TO BE????? JOHN IS AT IT AGAIN FOR SURE. “though I know I'll never lose affection / for people and things that went before / i know i'll often stop and think about them / in my life I love you more” YEAH, SURE!! GO RIGHT AHEAD AND RIP MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST, SHOOT IT A COUPLE OF TIMES AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE, WHY DON’T YOU!!! GO RIGHT AHEAD!!! 10000099/10
12. Wait: definitely has the vibes. no references to a specific gender. ambiguous enough that you could make it work for anything, gay, straight, bi, whatever. 5/10
13. If I Needed Someone: about pattie but kinda weird and a bit asshole-y. george is just kinda bad at romance. hinges on being another “fuck you” song, but we’re forgiving him since the lad was like, twelve at the time. and northern. still no gay vibes :( get it together george 1/10 where the one point comes from using the word “friend”
14. Run For Your Life: john is so tired of girls he’s started threatening them. comp.het will do that to you. free him :( 0/10
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Average Score: 714 296.9/10

END OF PART 1