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Mattholomule was bored. Spelled out letter by letter in all caps bored. Border than a flat piece of wood bored. Was border a word? It didn’t matter, he was getting bored of thinking about how bored he was anyways. Sure, the party he was at was nice. There were party games, and refreshments, and some sort of raffle thingy in one corner (none of the prizes were good. He’d checked), but none of it was Matt’s style. Everyone was just standing around chatting or playing games happily. There wasn’t any drama; no one gossiping or even daring (or hexing) each other to do stupid stuff.
Well, if there wasn’t any drama he would make some. His eyes darted around the room, quickly finding a target. Augustus Porter, former HAS president. Matt’s mouth turned up into a wide grin. If Gus was here, things were sure to turn interesting. Since their first meeting at the HAS, the two of them had gotten into several ill-advised encounters — not all of them with the two on different sides, surprisingly enough — each more ridiculous than the last. Gus might not make things interesting — that was Matt’s job — but if he was involved things tended to get over the top in no time.
Plan made (bothering Gus totally counted as a plan), Matt wiped the grin off his face and slid up to Gus. “Gus, my man, this party is sooo boring. Do you want to just go somewhere else?”
Gus turned and glared at him. “This is my birthday party. Also, how’d you get in my house?”
Whoops. Time to act like he knew that all along. He threw his arm around Gus’ shoulders. “Which is exactly why we should leave! Look, this is your twelveth—”
“Thirteenth.”
“—Thirteenth birthday! You should be out having fun, not spending it with these chumps.”
“They’re my friends.” Gus was starting to look very annoyed.
“Whatever.” Matt waved him off. “The point is, I’ve got a ton of other places we could go that are way more fun than right here. What do you say?”
Gus rolled his eyes. “You know what? Fine.” He cast a spell and a copy of him appeared and walked off toward the raffle corner. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
Matt grinned and started towards the nearest door. “Follow me then. Let’s have some real fun.”
“Seriously though, how’d you get into my house?”
“Thaaat’s really not important right now.” He’d picked the lock on one of the windows, but Gus didn’t need to know that. Besides, right now he had to figure out where they were actually going to go.
Half an hour into a quote-unquote scenic walk around Bonesborough's outskirts, Matt still had no idea where he was going to take Gus. It had to be somewhere exciting, somewhere unique , some experience that would convince Gus that he, Mattholomule, was the best. There was no way he would be beat out by some stupid birthday party.
While Matt wracked his brain for the perfect location, Gus hummed happily next to him, ignorant of the turmoil inside his head. He didn’t have any money. That was the main problem here, since most of the attractions around town would cost something. Maybe—
“Hey Matt— can I call you Matt? Luz says she knows someone in the human realm named Matt so it’s like a human nickname!”
Matt nodded absently. Maybe there was stuff to do out of town? He didn’t really go in the woods much though, or outside in general for that matter.
“Awesome! So, Matt, when are we getting to the next thing? I mean, I like nature just as much as anyone else,” —He jumped back as a rotting tentacle flopped down in front of him, then carefully stepped over it and continued on— “Ew— but the only things out here I can think of are puss pools and magma beast meadows. What were you thinking of doing next?”
“Uh…” Think, Mattholomule, think! Pus Diving maybe? No, he didn’t bring any puss-leech repellant or swimsuits.
“You do know where we’re going, right? ” Gus leaned in closer, a smug grin on his face and triumph in his voice.
Wait, magma beast meadows! That was it! “Of course I do, Augustus. Tell me, have you ever seen the play Sharpest Deaths?”
Gus leaned back and frowned in confusion. (And probably defeat too since he did know where they were going— take that, Gus!) “What? Why?”
Matt put a hand on his chest, very proud that he’d come up with the idea so quickly, and began to explain. “You see, in that play there’s a scene where the main character and his friends go out to a magma beast pasture and have a little competition. Since the magma beasts erupt when they’re startled, they decided to see who could make the most beasts erupt at once. They had a ton of fun, and—”
“Didn’t one of them die?”
Mattholomule paused. That had been a thing that happened. “Yeah, well he was a wimp, so we’ll be fine.”
“I don’t know.” Gus stopped walking. “I’m not sure if I want to be incinerated on my birthday.” He gazed off with a thoughtful expression. “Winter maybe. That could be a fun headline: Kid Burns to Death during Glacial Freeze.”
How was he supposed to respond to that? Before Matt could think of an answer, Gus dashed off into the woods. “Anyways I’m gonna get them all before you!”
“No you won’t!” Matt shrieked indignantly and sprinted after him.
Soon, the pasture became visible through the trees, the magma beasts’ glowing shells made the air ripple above them with the heat. Gus was almost to the treeline. With a lunge, Matt dove forward and tackled him to the ground. There was no way he was letting him win. He jumped up and dashed into the clearing, ignoring Gus’ indignant shout.
Just before he could let out a large shout and startle the first one, there was a faint poof . Right next to each of the magma beasts, an illusion of Gus appeared. As Gus laughed triumphantly behind him, Matt realized in horror that each of them was holding a large party popper.
“I really am sorry,” Gus said. “I didn’t realize the lava would go that far.”
Matt didn’t respond. He was too busy sulking in his undignified position slung over Gus’ shoulder. Thankfully there’d been burn cream in the potions closet at Matt’s house, but since the burns were on his feet he’d had to lend Gus one of his strength spell papers so they could continue Matt’s greater-than-a-stupid-party day of activities. That didn’t mean he had to like it though.
“So… what’s next on the list?”
“I was going to have us get some food next,” Matt said, “but my money burned up back there.”
“You keep your money in your shoes?”
“No, my socks,” he lied. “Keeps the pickpockets away.” He actually didn’t usually take his money with him. Under his bed tended to be a far safer spot for it, and that’d certainly paid off today since now he could get Gus to pay. Sure, it was Gus’ birthday, but he had burned him.
“I don’t have any money either, but I do have an idea,” Gus said, his voice suddenly filled with mischief.
“Wait what are you doing? Gus where are you taking me? I don’t like the sound of this!”
Gus snickered. “Just quiet down and play along.” Then he shifted Matt over into a bridal carry. This gave him an excellent view in front of them, letting him see the restaurant Gus was quickly walking towards as well as the sign out front reading Special discount! Couples eat free today!
“Wait, I did not agree to this!” Matt hissed.
Gus shrugged. “Do you want free food or not?”
Matt just crossed his arms and grumbled under his breath. ...He had a point.
As the two walked in the door, they were greeted by a hulking fish-scaled demon with a huge grin on his face. “Hello there! I assume you two are here for the couple’s discount?”
“Yup!” Gus said.
“You know, you don’t have to do over-the-top romantic gestures to convince us or anything.” The demon nodded to Matt in Gus’ arms. “We’ll just take your word for it.”
“Oh, no,” Gus laughed. “My boyfriend just hurt his feet and I’m carrying him so he doesn’t hurt them more.” He finished the last sentence with a quick kiss to the top of Matt’s head.
“Aw, well isn’t that sweet. You’re lucky to have such a good boyfriend, you know,” the demon told Matt.
He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact, just gave a small nod and continued to stare ahead, slowly flushing.
“Alright, well why don’t you two make your way over to that table there and I’ll send someone over soon.”
“Thank you!” Gus replied, and started walking over to the indicated booth. He carefully set Matt down on the bench. “You good, honey?”
Matt scooted himself into a more comfortable position with his hands — careful not to let his feet touch anything — and grinned evilly. Pet names? Two could play at that game.
“I’m just fine, thanks sweetie. How’ve you been enjoying your birthday so far?”
“It was fun! More fun than a party at least.” Gus smoothly switched to a sweet-talk voice. “Except for the part where you got hurt, my honeybun.”
“Oh, Gussy dearest,” —Matt fluttered his eyelashes as Gus bit back a laugh— ”there’s no need to worry about little old me. Just the sight of your face makes me feel like I could walk a thousand miles on love alone.”
“But cutie-smoochums—” An exaggerated gagging noise came from the booth behind theirs, and Matt spun around to face the wall between.
“That’d better not be about our conversation!” Matt said.
“No,” An awkward voice clearly holding back a laugh replied. “Just something stuck in my throat.”
Matt turned back, ignoring the quiet snickers now coming from that booth’s occupants. “You were saying, fairy pie?”
Gus cleared his throat and started again. “But cutie smoochums, just the thought of you in pain makes my heart die a thousand deaths .”
Matt clasped a hand to his chest. “Oh, my most embraceable urn of heavenly nectar— Do you mind? ” He spun around and glared at the divider behind him again as peals of laughter burst out from that table. “We’re trying to have a pleasant anniversary dinner here.”
“Sorry, sorry. Excuse me, I need to, uh, get some fresh air.” The person behind them got up and headed outside. Barely audible laughter revealed that he did not, in fact, need fresh air.
“Now, where was I?” Before Matt could finish his sickly-sweet comeback, a waiter arrived at their table.
“Here are your menus, sirs. Is there anything I can get you to drink?”
“Apple blood, please.” Gus said.
“Same as him.”
“Of course, your drinks will be right with you.” The waiter replied and walked off.
The two picked up their menus and looked through them for a bit. The silence wasn’t awkward exactly, but it still didn’t sit right with Matt to just not be talking, especially since this was supposed to be a special birthday or whatever for Gus.
“So, what are you thinking of getting?” he asked.
Gus set his menu down. “Dunno. Probably the spaghetti and eyeballs.”
“Spaghetti and eyeballs? But we’re at a nice restaurant! You should get something fancier, like the acid carp. I’ve heard the acid carp is really good here.”
“But I want spaghetti and eyeballs,” Gus said. “You can get the acid carp if you want.”
“Maybe I will,” Matt replied. “And I bet it’ll taste way better than yours.”
“Well in that case, I get to try some of yours to see which is better.”
“Oh, but of course, Augustus,” Matt said. “In fact, I was about to suggest I do the same thing.”
“It’s a deal then.” Gus held out his hand. “We’ll taste each other’s and the winner will get bragging rights.”
“Done.” Matt shook his head, then settled back into his seat with a smirk. Now all that was left to do was wait for someone to take their orders.
Across the table, Gus squinted at him, then started spinning up a pale blue spell circle. With a small poof a tiny illusion of Matt — about a finger tall — appeared on the table. It started to dance a jig.
“Hey, wait!” Matt sat up indignantly. “What are you doing?”
Gus looked up innocently. “Entertaining myself.”
“Well— but I—” Matt scrambled for an explanation as to why, exactly, he felt offence at his little double dancing on their table. In this case, words failed. So, he fell back on the first thing that came to mind. “You’re causing a scene!”
Gus sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Sorry then, little guy.” He gently wrapped one hand around the mini Matt, then picked up a knife with the other. “May your death be a good one.”
As Gus raised the knife high, blade turned down toward the illusion, it turned to Matt with tearful puppy-dog eyes. Matt felt his heart wrench with a sudden sense of fatherhood. Geez, did he have that good of a pleading face?
“H-hang on a minute. I never said you had to kill him. I just don’t want him dancing on the table.”
“Oh, okay then.” Gus let the mini Matt go and it ran up on top of Matt’s head. Before he could reposition it, the waiter arrived.
“Here are your drinks, boys.” She set down a glass of apple blood in front of each of them. “Now, what can I get you to eat?”
“Augustus here will be getting the spaghetti and eyeballs,” Matt drawled.
“And my boyfriend will be having the acid carp,” Gus said.
Matt’s face heated up again. Right, he kept forgetting they were supposed to be a couple.
The waiter chuckled. “Well, I’ll have your food ready for you in a jiffy, so you sweethearts hang tight.”
She left, and Matt slumped back down into his seat, pointedly looking at anything but Gus, who was grinning cheekily and flashing heart-hands at him. He may have gotten one over Matt this time, but with any luck the food would come soon. That would let him get back at Gus when the acid carp was inevitably better than whatever Gus had ordered— theoretically at least. He’d never actually had acid carp, though he had heard it was good here.
Matt forced himself to look out the window so Gus — who was conjuring up a kickline of mini-Matts — wouldn’t get the satisfaction of his reaction. It was starting to get dark outside already. He should probably let Gus get back to his house after dinner — especially since it would be hard to go anywhere else with his burned feet. But at the same time, if he could think of a good place to stargaze it could be the perfect way to solidify this trip as far superior to a birthday party. While Matt was planning, the group of mini-hims started putting on a production of Romeo + Ghouliet.
Act one was just coming to a close — with Matt long since having given up his attempts to ignore it — when the food arrived.
“That’s one plate of spaghetti and eyeballs, and one fried acid carp. Enjoy!”
“Ah, thank you.”
“Thanks!”
Matt deliberately set out his cutlery while Gus tied his napkin around his neck. “So, one bite of ours and then one bite of the other’s?”
Gus nodded. “Yup, sounds good!”
Matt cut off a piece of fish. Gus twirled up a forkful of pasta. Slowly, they each brought the food to their mouths and took a bite. Matt’s face screwed up. Ugh, that was sour. Really sour. Across from him, Gus grimaced. Simultaneously, the two boys grabbed up their apple blood and took a huge gulp.
Gus coughed. “Well, on to the next dish I guess.”
Matt nodded. Maybe there was a reason the food here was free. Hesitantly, he reached out and took a forkful of the spaghetti. Gus did the same with the fish. Matt braced himself and took a bite. Oh. Oh, that was good . Gus let out an appreciative hum as he chewed the fish.
The two locked eyes. Gus swallowed. “You wanna just call this a draw and trade the food?”
Matt looked down at his plate. Was claiming victory really worth having to eat the fish? No. No it was not.
“Yeah, sure, just gimme the pasta.”
“Heheheh, nice.” Gus happily scooted the fish towards him, pushing the pasta to Matt, who gratefully accepted it. He hadn’t had pasta this good since that one boyfriend his mom had a year ago with a rat for a head. He was very stinky, but man could he cook.
“Why didn’t you like the pasta, anyways?”
Gus shrugged. “Too sweet. Why didn’t you like the fish?”
Matt wrinkled his nose remembering the acrid taste. “ Far too sour.”
“Your loss.” With that, Gus shoved a huge piece of fish into his mouth. They ate quietly for a bit. “So, got anything else on your magical birthday tour?”
“Well,” Matt said, “It looks like the stars are coming out soon…”
Later that night found the two of them lying on a grassy knoll, the ground at their feet dropping steeply down into the valley and the stars above them twinkling bright.
“Wow, this is really nice,” Matt breathed.
“Thanks,” Gus said. “Luz showed it to me and Willow a while ago when she found it exploring one day. I come here a lot on my own. It’s really beautiful, just watching the stars and listening to the wind.”
“Yeah. It is.”
The two were silent for a bit. Grass rustled softly around them in a breeze. Matt’s mind was a mile away, reliving the day. It was hard to believe how he’d gone from the boredom-fueled party crashing that had started this whole thing to the light-hearted banter that had filled their walk here. Still, he had one more question.
“Hey, Gus?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still think the party would’ve been more fun?”
Gus broke into laughter. “Are you kidding me? There’s no way I wanted to be at that party!”
“What?” Matt sat up and looked over at him in disbelief. “Weren’t you all annoyed and ‘this is my birthday party’ and everything?”
Gus shrugged. “My mom likes to throw parties, and she doesn’t really believe I’ve only got two friends. So I just go along with it.”
“Who were all the other people then?”
“Random kids I know that wanted to go to a party.”
“Oh.” Matt sat back down. “So just another trick, huh?”
“Yep. I think this is the best birthday I’ve had in a while.”
“Really? Hahaha, yes! ” Matt cheered. “Take that, stupid party!”
“In fact, I’d say you’ve earned this!” Gus sat up and cast a spell.
Above Matt’s head, a crown materialized and fell on his face. “Ow. Thanks?”
Light bloomed across the hill as Gus cast a light spell. “There’s something written on it too, if you want to take a look.”
Matt sat up. Holding the crown up to the light, he was able to make out an inscription in bold letters. “It says… best friend— number three?”
“Sorry, Willow and Luz got there first.”
He stared down at the crown in his hands. Best friend. That was certainly new. Did he really deserve it though? He hadn’t really done this for Gus, just wanted to one-up his party, right?
“I don’t—” He started.
“ Ah.” Gus held up a finger to shush him. “No take-backs. You are now indisputably my best friend (number three)”
Matt closed his mouth. There were certainly worse things to have forced on you than a crown. Wart hexes for example. He hated those.
“Well, don’t just stare at it, put it on!”
Matt grinned and complied. It fit well.
“There you go! Now, we should uh, probably get home before the mome raths start to outgrabe.” With that, Gus scooped him up and started back towards Bonesborough.
As Gus walked, Matt closed his eyes and assumed a regal expression. He could get used to this. Not just the chauffeuring service, but even just having a partner in crime. Yes, he could get used to this indeed.