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Sometimes his bad days make him want to love. Those are the days when he tries his hardest to understand Dean and tell him how appreciated he is, to complement Cas on whatever he’s working on, be it for himself or for the family, to support Kevin emotionally, mentally, and usually nutritionally, to reassure Charlie that she is an important adopted member of the family, and to be affectionate to Gabriel, who’s still not dealing well with the inability to bend the rules of the universe and fly away from his problems.
However, sometimes his bad days just make him snarky, on some inward level he doesn’t understand. Today is one of those days. He’s eating breakfast cereal at like nine at night because they haven’t done groceries in a while, Cas and Gabe are sitting across from him deep in conversation, and he’s biting back irritated comments.
"Mostly I just miss being able to see souls." Cas says wistfully.
And some of us just miss the days before they saw Satan in all their dreams. Sam thinks, as he eats another spoonful of cereal and stays quiet.
"Not being able to see souls is one of the most interesting things about being human, but…" Cas trails off and Gabriel cuts in.
"I’ll pass. I may be running on a dead flashlight battery’s worth of grace, but knowing who someone is at a glance?" Sam winces a little. He hates being reminded that Gabriel looks at him and sees not only his body, but his soul, that Gabriel knows him through and through. “It's more useful than a blade.”
I mean, you never got stabbed by your own ability to see souls, Sam thinks. That one was good but he was never saying it out loud because it was also mean.
"It’s not seeing who people are that I miss. I… enjoy getting to know people the way humans do. I miss looking at Dean’s soul."
Could you sound any more smitten? Sam rolls his eyes a little. Please, try it. I love hearing about your love life when I eat breakfast. Sam pauses. It’s nine at night. Dinner, he mentally corrects.
"It hasn’t changed much, buckaroo. Bright and shiny as when you cleaned it off from hell. Maybe even brighter."
Yeah, I know. Dean’s soul, the brightest of them all- the righteous man who shone his righteousness across the world like the fucking righteous lamp on the hill in the bible. Sam chews his cereal more aggressively.
"I really haven’t seen a soul so bright, in all my experience with humans. It just... calls to me." Cas says, in complete open honesty.
He’s so sincere about it, so completely adoring, Sam doesn't even have the heart to think anything sarcastic about it- about this angel who genuinely loves his brother from the inside out and now is learning to love from the outside in. God, it made him feel awful sometimes. Anyone who could see him the way Cas had once been able to see Dean… they’d want nothing to do with him. He glances at Gabriel. They should want nothing to do with him.
He drops his spoon and it clinks loudly in the bowl, making both angels turn towards him. “Sorry. Just tired,” he explains, not moving to pick the utensil back up.
"Cas, why don’t you go join Dean and Charlie?" Gabriel’s eyes are still on Sam, but from the tone of voice, it’s not a suggestion. Cas obeys.
"Sam?" Gabe scoots over to sit next to him. "Talk to me."
"I’m fine, it’s been a long day," he explains, and moves to clear away his cereal bowl.
Gabriel lays a hand on his arm- and there’s no power behind it, the archangel doesn't have the kind of power he used to, but like Cas, Sam does as he should. “Is this about your soul?” Gabriel asks.
Sam doesn't respond, mind empty of anything he could possibly say to make Gabe stop this train of conversation. Gabriel doesn't stop, but full-speed-aheads with “Because let me explain you something- Castiel is a fucking moth.”
Okay, that was unexpected. “He’s a moth?” Sam repeats.
"I’m not gonna lie, Sam- Dean’s soul is the brightest on earth, maybe the brightest in the universe. Shines like a full moon in a heap of stars. And Cas? He sees how bright it is and thinks this one must be the best.”
"Like a moth and a porch light, I get it." Sam moves to stand.
"I’m not done, Sam." He looks over, and is startled at how closely Gabriel is watching him- how personal this is getting. "I know how you feel about your soul."
"Look, Gabe, I didn't-"
"You sit here listening to Cas talking about how bright your brother’s soul is, and you can’t stop thinking about how filthy your own is, can you?” Sam is taking deep breaths now, because the last thing he wants is to shed tears over his stupid soul insecurities in front of Gabriel, but the angel plows onwards. “Can you?”
"You couldn't understand-"
"Do you honestly think I don’t know what it’s like to be considered a monster?" Gabriel asks, eyes narrowing a little. "Because just about everyone thinks I am."
"You’re not a monster, Gabriel."
"And neither are you, Sam!" he shouts, sitting taller on the edge of his seat to look down at the hunter. They look at each other then, Gabriel upset and frustrated, Sam upset and afraid.
"Listen." Gabe is settling back down, composing himself. "You think your soul’s such a mess, but you've never seen it. I have. Do you want to know what I can see?”
Sam wants to say no, but somehow he can’t even say that one word. He can’t open his mouth or he swears everything is going to pour out and he’s going to say things he’ll regret. He's going to say that everyone who can see his soul should be repulsed, because he's a monster of his own making, and Gabriel should see that and leave him. Leave whatever it is they currently have going, no matter how Sam feels, because Sam is impure and how he feels shouldn't matter. But he doesn't want to say that. He doesn't want to tell Gabriel how he feels. So he just listens.
"I see all the choices you've made, Sam. And they aren't the bright righteous ones of your brother, they’re warm. They’re kind and self-sacrificing and loving and beautiful.”
Oh god, Gabriel's not saying anything he expected, and there are tears. There are tears and they are on the verge of jailbreak. But right then, nothing can drag his gaze from the archangel.
"There’s dark in there, of course, but it’s not even your darkness. It’s the marks and the holes that add the darkness and they just make your soul glow brighter in comparison.” Gabe leans forward to rest both hands on Sam’s shoulders, paying to mind to the tears starting to trickle down his face.
"But you aren't that darkness, Sam. It’s in your life, but it isn't you. You, Sam Winchester, are pure.” He bites his lip a little, and manages a half smile, maybe because he’s passed some sort of time limit for how long he can go without smiling at Sam.
And Sam, who'd been expecting something about fighting the darkness he'd made for himself, loses it. He leans forward to rest his head on Gabriel’s shoulder, hair swirling down to hide his face. It doesn't do anything to hide the tears, though, because they’re rapidly soaking through Gabriel’s flannel. “Stop it,” he gets out.
"You are the most beautiful soul I have ever seen." the angel says softly, arms coming up to hold Sam, who’s sitting with his face pressed against Gabriel’s shoulder, completely still, but flooded with emotion.
"You… don’t-"
"I mean all of that, Sam. When I see you, I see someone pure and warm and golden and beautiful." One hand comes up to gently tangle in the bottom of Sam’s hair. "And it’s about time someone told you."
"I thought I was an abomination. To angels." Sam manages, but the more he thinks back, the more he realizes that Gabriel never treated him the way the other angels did. Gabriel always treated him as a person. Gabriel has always cared.
"They’re wrong about you. You’re not the righteous man, but you’re the man who gives and keeps giving and loving and sees something worth saving in something like me. You’re what holds this whole family and sometimes I swear this whole world together. And I…” he pauses, tightens his grip around Sam’s back as best as he can,and says softly, “I want you to know that I love you very much, Sam Winchester.”
They sit quietly in the kitchen for a long while, just like that, with Gabriel’s left hand teasing through the ends of Sam’s hair, even as they hear the others finishing their movie and heading to bed. It’s peaceful. Sam basks in being loved, for the first time, by a creature that sees all of him. No hiding part of himself, as he always had, just this warm acceptance of everything.
"Gabriel?" Sam says finally, voice calm but soft.
"Yeah?"
And softly, Sam breathes out the only thing he has left to say: “I love you, too.”