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Rex had been traveling with Ghost Crew for about 2 months now and he seemed to be settling in well. Ezra and the rest of Ghost (sans Kanan, who was still warming up to him), had really taken a liking to the old clone. He was resilient and smart, and definitely a leader, but he never once overstepped his boundaries and always made sure that he listened to Hera and Kanan when they went on missions. He’d offer insights and suggestions, sure, but he never questioned their abilities to lead. Ezra really liked that about him; Sabine had confided in him, when Rex had first joined, that that was a concern of hers, so it had become a concern of Ezra’s. Luckily, there was nothing to be concerned about.
Rex often told them stories from the war when they were traveling to and from their missions. They enraptured Ghost Crew (aside from Kanan, who’d huff and stalk off to who knew where when Rex told any story). They’d grown up hearing about the feats of the Jedi and the clones (and even knowing some, in Hera’s case), but to hear all the stories first hand was something else. It was even better when Ahsoka joined in on occasion. It was easy to tell that Rex and Ahsoka really had worked together for years; they’d bicker over minute differences in the stories like siblings would and Ezra knew they were as good as siblings to each other, just like how Sabine and Zeb had become a sister and brother to him. It was interesting to see Ahsoka around him, too. In any other setting, she was serious and always focussed on her work, but around Rex she was relaxed and let more of her true personality show.
To Ghost, Rex seemed unflappable, larger than life. Nothing could shake him, not even the constant threat of the Empire looming over their shoulders. Nothing could defeat him or bring him down for long, either; he bounced back from everything with a grace that they hadn’t really expected from someone his age (although they’d heard Ahsoka mention she was older than him many times in their arguments, although Ezra didn’t fully understand how or why that was).
Ezra and the rest of Ghost were soon to learn, however, that not even Rex was invincible.
The briefing started out normal enough. Blah blah blah, supply run, blah blah blah, airbase, blah blah blah, stealth but should meet no resistance.
“Rex will have to go with you guys on this mission— this is a planet he campaigned on during the war and he’ll be able to lead you through its terrain,” Ahsoka told them all. It wasn’t shocking that Rex would have to go with them; he went with them often, even if he didn’t know the planet or base.
“Yeah? What planet is it?” Rex asked, tilting his head to the side curiously. Ezra saw Kanan scoff and roll his eyes from his peripherals. Ezra made eye contact with him and scowled, causing Kanan to shrug and assume a defensive position. Hera rolled her eyes at their antics.
Ezra turned back to Ahsoka in time to see her hesitate before answering Rex’s question, “Umbara.”
Never before had Ezra seen Rex look so… panicked? The clone, who had been relaxed before, had stiffened into ramrod straight posture. His arms that had been crossed against his chest were now held stiffly at his side, fists clenched tight. Ezra wasn’t sure he wanted to know why only the name of a planet could make someone like Rex seem so nervous.
“Umbara?” Rex asked in a small voice none of them had ever heard from him before. The rest of Ghost crew exchanged concerned glances as Rex continued, “Ahsoka, you can’t be serious.”
Ahsoka looked apologetic and sighed, “I’m sorry, Rexter. I know it brings back some bad memories, but—“
“Bad memories?” Rex demanded, demeanor shifting from fear to anger so quickly it almost gave Ezra whiplash, “How would you know? You weren’t there. You don’t know anything that happened there.”
“You told me some of it and I read the reports,” Ahsoka countered, still maintaining her calm composure as she tried to soothe Rex’s ire.
Rex opened his mouth to respond, but it seemed that he remembered that there were others present in the room. He deflated sightly and sighed, running a hand down his face, “Ahsoka, can we talk about this somewhere more private?” Ahsoka nodded once, and followed the captain out of the briefing room.
As soon as the door shut behind them, Zeb turned to Ghost and said, “Yeesh, never seen the old geezer so worked up before. What was that all about?”
The others shrugged, but Kanan had a contemplative look on his face as he said, “Rex has only told you about the battles that went well. He hasn’t once talked about the ones that didn’t.” That made Ezra rack his mind, thinking about the stories Rex had told them. Indeed, they all had a happy ending; the Republic came out on top, the Jedi saved the day, stories like that. The most he’d heard about something going wrong was the time Skywalker and Ahsoka threw Rex off of a bridge without any warning.
The door opened again, and Ahsoka reentered. Rex did not follow her.
Ghost looked at her expectantly, and she sighed, “He’ll do it. Just… don’t expect him to be in a very good mood.”
“Are we sure this won’t affect him too much?” Kanan asked, concern lacing his tone, “We shouldn’t force him to do something that brings back memories like that. And, er, it might affect the integrity of the mission if he can’t keep himself together.” Ahh, so he did care about Rex. He just didn’t really like to show it, it seemed.
“The terrain is too treacherous for you to not have a guide. You can’t land in the airbase directly in case they did end up reoccupying it. Reports state otherwise, but you can’t be too careful. Besides, Rex personally took part in taking that airbase. Having him with you will make it all go easier,” Ahsoka answered.
“Well, are you going to tell us what exactly happened on Umbara that made him react like that?” Sabine asked, folding her arms against her chest.
Ahsoka grimaced and shook her head, “No. Rex promised me he’d tell you all if it seemed prudent, but it’s not my story to tell. Like he said, I wasn’t present at that campaign. Umabra was a victory for the Republic in the end, but… it was anything but that for the clones.”
Ezra wasn’t entirely sure what that entailed. He assumed that it meant that they casualties were heavy. Rex was a captain, so he probably had a lot of men under his command. Maybe he blamed himself for their deaths?
Ezra would soon find out that he was correct, but in far worse a way than he imagined.
——————
Sabine had been keeping an eye on Rex for the entire duration of the trip. He hadn’t moved a muscle from his seat in the ship’s common area. Sabine herself had moved around quite a bit, but every time she entered the common area, Rex was still in the same position he had been in. It had been a few hours by now and they were nearing their destination. Sitting still for that long couldn’t be comfortable.
She didn’t understand why Ahsoka had been so insistent that Rex go on this mission. Ahsoka was his friend, and she knew that whatever had happened on Umbara had made a lasting impact on the captain bad enough for him to nearly panic at the mere mention of the planet’s name. Why would she send him on a mission that would only hurt him? Perhaps she thought that be confronting his past, Rex would find some sense of closure. Sabine truly hoped that that would happen, but she wasn’t so sure it would. Then again, what did Sabine know about confronting her own past?
He was staring at nothing in particular, gaze occasionally flitting about the room, but it always settled back onto the table in front of him. He didn’t acknowledge any of the others when they passed through. Sabine had a feeling she knew what was running through his mind. She didn’t know the specifics of what happened on Umbara, but she knew it couldn’t have been good. Rex was probably metaphorically trapped in his own memories and guilt he might’ve felt about that campaign. Sabine knew the feeling.
Deciding it was probably for the best that she try to elicit at least a grunt from the clone captain, she settled herself into the seat next to him. He hummed a greeting at her.
“You doing okay, Rex?” Sabine asked, not even bothering to hide her concern.
Rex huffed, “I’ve certainly been better, but I’ve pulled through this long.” Sabine nodded in understanding, but didn’t bother responding. She knew that, right now, what Rex probably needed was a companion, not someone to talk to.
She was shocked when, a few moments later, Rex turned to her, gaze settled on the 5 she had painted on her shoulder pauldron.
“I had a brother named Fives during the war, you know,” He said in a low tone, “I haven’t gotten around to talking about him yet. He had a 5 just liked that tattooed on his forehead— he was proud of his kriffing name. You know how he got it?” Sabine shook her head and waited for him to continue.
“His number was CT-27-5555. Clever, eh?” Rex chuckled. Sabine laughed with him.
“He certainly seemed to think so, if nothing else,” The veteran’s expression turned wistful, “He was the best of us, I think. Passionate, brave, willing to do whatever it took to protect our brothers, even if his plans were half crazed,” His expression softened, “You remind me of him. You have that same passion he had; he took care of our brothers, like how you take care of your family here in the Ghost. You would’ve gotten along well.”
Sabine smiled up at him, “I’m honored you think that highly of me, then.” Rex gave her a slight smile as well. Sabine was happy she had successful distracted him from the worst of his memories, but the moment was shattered when Ezra burst into eh room, out of breath. He leaned against the wall for support as he caught his breath, but didn’t have much time to do so before Chopper rolled into the room and rammed into Ezra’s legs.
“Ow! Hey!” Ezra exclaimed, hopping up and down and holding his leg in his hands, “That was uncalled for, Chopper!” The droid let out a sound that sounded like a chuckle and rolled away. Sabine and Rex exchanged looks with each other, amused at their antics. Ezra huffed and wiped off his jacket before turning to the two of them, finally registering that they were in there.
“Something to say, kid?” Rex asked, quirking an eyebrow upwards.
“Uh, yeah, er, Hera says we’ll be there in like 10 minutes. She’ll need you on the bridge so you can guide her to where exactly we’re supposed to land,” Ezra replied, leaning against the wall again so that he could rub his leg.
“She couldn’t have commed and told me that?” Rex asked, slowly rising from his seat. Sabine watched him wince and flex his legs out a little. She figured that sitting in the exact same position for hours on end must’ve hurt his knees, and remembered with sorrow that Rex wasn’t anywhere near as old as he looked.
Ezra shrugged, “I dunno. She just sent me down to get you— I didn’t question her.”
Rex chuckled, resting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder as he walked past, “Smart kid.” He left the common area, leaving Ezra and Sabine alone.
Ezra made his way over to her and lowered his voice, “She didn’t use the comms so that she could send me in here to check on him.”
“I figured as much. He’d been in that seat for the entire trip, didn’t move or speak once until I came over and sat with him a few minutes ago,” Sabine said, frowning to herself, “He was just telling me about one of his brothers before you and Chopper interrupted.”
Ezra grimaced and sighed, “Sorry. I’m just… a little worried about him. It was weird, seeing him so shook up during that briefing. It felt wrong.”
“Yeah… I mean, I know he fought in a war and is one of the few soldiers who actually made it out of that war, but he seems invincible. I guess the words ‘afraid’ and ‘Rex’ never fit in the same sentence for me,” Sabine admitted. She knew a thing or two about PTSD; everyone who was in Ghost crew did. She just hadn’t ever thought about Rex suffering from it, even though it made perfect sense in hindsight. This mission was likely going to be hell for him.
“Yeah,” Ezra agreed, sighing loudly, “We’d better keep an eye on him during this, huh?”
“I think that’s everyone’s plan, even Kanan’s,” Sabine replied, “This is going to be hard for him, but at least he won’t be alone.”
——————
“This is the darkest planet I’ve ever been on,” Hera commented as she landed the ship where Rex had instructed. The terrain was rough and there was barely any room, but luckily that mean that the Ghost was well concealed by the glowing tree-like plants that towered over the small clearing it made its landing in.
Rex scoffed, “Yeah, tell me about it.” Hera cast him a concerned side-glance, but if he noticed, he didn’t comment on it. He crossed his arms over his chest sank down in to the seat next to her, which Kanan had vacated almost as soon as Rex entered so that he could better guide Hera. Kanan himself stood vigil over Hera’s shoulder, and Zeb stood in the back of the cockpit, looking out at the terrain of the planet with vague interest.
“Alright, we’ve landed, and I’m not picking up any hostile activity in the scanners. Team meeting in the common area?” Hera suggested, “Just so that you can tell us all we need to know for this.”
Rex nodded slowly “Of course.” He stood up from the seat rather stiffly and made his way out of the cockpit as quickly as possible. The other three occupants were slower to follow.
Kanan sighed loudly, “I don’t know if we should make him do this. He obviously despises this place.”
“He’s a stubborn old geezer, though. He won’t listen to us if we tell him to stay behind,” Zeb pointed out, “Plus, he supposedly promised Ahsoka that he’d do this. We all know that he’d do anything for her.”
Hera nodded in agreement, frowning, “I don’t like that she essentially forced him into this. It doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Ahsoka wouldn’t abuse their friendship like that, though. There’s got to be a reason he agreed to it,” Kanan pointed out. Hera knew that was true; Ahsoka didn’t seem to be the type that would take advantage of years of friendship like that. She did everything for a reason. Surely her insistence that Rex accompany them had a deeper meaning to it. Still, it felt cruel to Hera, to make him relive something the captain so obviously wanted to forget.
“Alright, let’s go hear Rex’s briefing,” Hera said, rising from her seat and leading the way. The other two were close behind her. Chopper rolled lazily behind them.
The others were already waiting for them when they finally showed up in the common area. They’d stopped at their bunks along the way to retrieve their gear, so it took them a tad longer to get there than anticipated.
“So, Rex, what do we need to know for this mission?” Ezra asked, bubbly personality defusing the obvious tension Rex held in his shoulders for just a moment.
“The most important thing I think we need to watch out for are those carnivorous plants that are everywhere,” Rex began. He paused, obviously waiting for a reaction, which he unsurprisingly got from Zeb.
“Ew! Carnivorous plants?” Zeb exclaimed. Hera exchanged an amused glance with Rex. Both had known Zeb would be the one to react like that.
Rex nodded seriously, “Yeah. Watch out for vines on the ground— those are its tentacles… or whatever. It’ll open its mouth in the center of the plant, and it’s got nasty rows of teeth. If you don’t touch ‘em, you should be fine. If you do find yourself trapped in its tendrils, one of us will help you out by shooting the hell out of it. I’ll lead the group so that I can point them out when we run into them.” Hera noted the usage of the word ‘when’ rather than ‘if.’ It seemed that Rex was positive that they’d run into those plants. Hera certainly didn’t look forward to it.
“Will Chopper be able to accompany us?” She asked, “The terrain seems really rough.”
Rex paused, considering this, “He can fly for short distances right? As long as he does that over those plants, he should be fine… but it might be best to leave him with the ship in case we need to make a hasty escape.” Hera nodded in agreement, patting Chopper. The droid let out a series of simultaneous pleased and displeased beeps. Hera rolled her eyes at him and swatted him this time. Chopper deflated and grumbled dramatically, rolling away.
“Okay, what else do we need to know, Rex?” Kanan asked. His attention had been on Rex the entire time. Hera wondered if he’d heard of this campaign when he was a Padawan; had he even been a Padawan when it happened, though? She hadn’t thought to ask until now.
“Well, hopefully the locals won’t be shooting at us. We’ll avoid the main road so we can avoid running into any of them. There are some huge bird-like creatures that fly through, but they were mainly scavengers. Came by to pick up some of the… less fortunate of my men. As long as we don’t look dead to them, we should be safe from them, and a few blaster bolts can take them down anyways,” Rex answered, “But Ahsoka did say that this was a stealth op, so I’d rather not waste any heat if it can be avoided.
“Now, we’ve landed about 30-40 minutes away from the airbase. It’s gonna be a trek. Follow my lead, and you should be fine,” Rex advised, “It’s… been awhile since I’ve been here, so I might’ve forgotten something. If I remember it as we’re going, I’ll notify you over the comms— stay quiet out here. We don’t want to attract unwanted attention.”
“Sir, yes, sir!” Ezra cheered. A strange expression crossed Rex’s face before he schooled it and smiled gently at Ezra. The clone donned his famous helmet and Hera opened the doors. They slowly made their way out of the Ghost.
“Take good care of her, Chopper!” Hera called to her loyal droid. She heard him beep out a reply somewhere else in the ship, and shook her head in amusement as she made her way out of the ship.
Rex seemed to hesitate before stepping onto Umbara’s soil. He was extremely uncomfortable, based on his body language. Hera wanted to step up and comfort him, but before she could, the clone heaved a huge breath and stepped out of the ship. Hera watched as he scrutinized their surroundings, glancing every which way and even up towards the sky as if he expected to see something there. He probably did.
“Right. The sooner we get off of this hellhole of a planet, the better,” Rex quipped, “After me. Watch your step.” They all obeyed and fell into step behind him. Not even Kanan seemed to be in the mood for bickering with Rex and fell into step at the back of their group without complaint.
Hera hoped this wouldn’t be too bad for Rex. They were only about 5 minutes into their trek, but so far it seemed to be going well. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as they all feared it would be? She knew better than to get her hopes up, though. Supply runs always went wrong.
——————
Zeb was surprised nothing had gone wrong yet. They’d been going for nearly 20 minutes by now, following Rex as he picked his way through the treacherous Umbara terrain. They had come across the first carnivorous plant quickly. Rex had picked up a rock and thrown it at it to demonstrate that no, he absolutely was not joking when he said that they had rows of pointed teeth. No thank you.
Their pace was pretty quick. They’d seen some buried and dirty storm trooper armor at one point, but Zeb quickly realized that it must’ve been clone trooper armor, based on how much quicker Rex had moved after seeing it. Since they’d seen that one bit of armor, it had been a near constant companion. Pieces popped up everywhere. Helmets, shoulder pieces, chest pieces, everything. Zeb didn’t want to think about what happened to their owners. He remembered Rex talking about the giant scavenger birds; what happened to these clones, even after their demise, could not have been pleasant.
Rex had managed to keep it all together for the most part. Other than the fact that he’d shudder when he saw the pieces of armor lying about, he seemed fine. It was hard for Zeb to tell with the helmet on. They were only about 10 minutes out from the base by now.
“I don’t think there are any more carnivorous plants nearby— we’re probably good to fan out a little,” Rex instructed, “But you can stay following me if you want— might make it easier.”
The others didn’t respond with words, but they did spread out their group a little. They could scan the edge of the base easier that way.
They were quite probably about 10 minutes outside the base when Rex froze, staring at something in front of him.
“No,” Rex whispered, disbelief coloring his tone, “No, they gave him a gravestone?” Zeb was closest to Rex, and he peered around the trooper to get a better look at what he was staring at.
Indeed, it appeared to be a tombstone. On it were the words “Pong Krell. Great Jedi Master and General.” In smaller font underneath were the words, “tombstone commissioned by the Jedi High Council.” Zeb hadn’t ever heard of someone writing out who commissioned a tombstone, but he figured the Jedi had always been odd ducks. Kanan and Ezra certainly were.
Rex ripped off his helmet and clipped it to his belt. He then clenched his fists at his side and began pacing angrily, “How dare they give him the honor! He wasn’t even a Jedi at the end. My brothers never got a gravestone— why the hell did that traitor?” He had started his rant quietly, but his voice had risen greatly in volume by the end, attracting the attention of the others. They made their way over to him, moving slowly as if they were attempting to sneak up on a skittish animal. They craned their necks to see what was written on the gravestone. Zeb joined Kanan and Hera and shrugged at them, looking at the furious clone captain in concern. Ezra and Sabine made their way over to them, too, wearing similar expressions on their faces.
“I don’t know what’s got him so worked up,” Zeb whispered, “But I guess it has something to do with this Pong Krell fella. Is the name familiar to you, Kanan?”
Kanan nodded slowly, “I never met him personally, but I heard stories about him. Supposedly, he was a fantastic Jedi and general. I was too young to be told anything otherwise, anyways.” They turned their attention back to Rex, who was now standing in front of the gravestone, staring down at it with barely concealed rage. Then, they watched as his gaze slowly drifted towards an old clone helmet that was halfway buried in the ground. Enough was peaking out to see the faded yellow-ish orange paint, along with what looked to be a twi’lek painted at the top.
“No,” Rex whispered, his voice hoarse and now brimming with horror, “Here of all places? Why not closer to the base?” He practically ran towards the helmet, gripping it and working it out the dirt as quickly as he could, but even from as far back as Zeb was standing, he could see that the clone’s hands were shaking. They watched as Rex finally worked the helmet free of the soil. He stared at the broken visor for a few moments before sighing and muttering something under his breath, pressing the helmet against his own forehead. Sabine drew in a sharp breath at Zeb’s side.
“A Keldabe Kiss,” Sabine whispered, “A Mandalorian form of showing affection and love.”
Rex looked as if he was 2 minutes away from having a full out breakdown, but he managed to control himself. He slowly stood up, helmet still clutched in his shaking hands. It was hard to tell with the lighting, but it looked like his eyes were rimmed red with unshed tears.
There was silence between them before Rex spoke again, clearing his throat, “Kriff, the Jedi Council was full of a bunch of hypocrites. How dare they do this.” He didn’t bother explaining that statement before he gestured at them to follow him the rest of the way to the airbase. Zeb noted that Kanan looked scandalized at that statement, and wondered if he had known any of the Council members. Zeb really had no clue how the Jedi worked, though, so he didn’t really know if knowing a Council member was common or not.
The rest of the journey to the base passed uneventfully. Rex put his own helmet back on and clipped the other on his belt. He didn’t utter another word the entire trek until they arrived at the base, and even then it was only to announce that they were there.
Zeb may not have been the best at dealing with emotions, but he knew Rex was close to his limit. They needed to get off of this planet as quickly as possible for his sake, if nothing else. He certainly hoped that the base was as abandoned as it looked and that they found some supplies. At least it wouldn’t have been all for nothing, then.
——————
Kanan had had a bad feeling about this mission the moment Ahsoka had called them to the meeting. Not the typical “something is going to go horribly wrong” feeling, but more of an “emotional hurt” bad feeling. He soon realized why when Rex had reacted the way he did to the name of the planet.
He might not have shown it and probably wouldn’t admit it unless absolutely necessary, but Kanan really did care about Rex. The clone captain had proven himself time and time again. As a Padawan, Kanan had heard stories about the famed 501st led by Anakin Skywalker, the hero with no fear, along with his right-hand man, the ever-fearless Captain Rex. Some of Kanan’s own men had developed a hero-crush on the famed captain. Kanan definitely had his issues with clones now, but Rex had proven to him that he lived up to the legends back on Seelos, even if it was still difficult for Kanan to trust him. He certainly wouldn’t wish harm upon the man, if nothing else.
That was why, when they were in the briefing room and Rex panicked at the name Umbara, Kanan had been quick to question the necessity of Rex accompanying them on the supply run. Sure, having someone who knew the terrain helped, but he just as easily could’ve told them about it or shown them holopics of it. Rex accompanying them wasn’t strictly necessary, but Ahsoka had been oddly insistent on it. Kanan would have to ask about that when they returned to Phoenix Squadron.
Kanan had been a fresh Padawan commander when the battle of Umbara had occurred. He heard the men whisper about it under their breaths, but knew nothing about it other than the fact that there had been abnormally high casualties. He hadn’t even known that the 501st took part in that campaign. He did, however, remember Master Billaba taking part in lengthy council sessions after it occurred, discussing what had occurred during the battle. Something had happened, but when Kanan had questioned her on it, she simply said that it was nothing to worry about. She had looked very stressed, though, and Kanan never really believed her on that.
Seeing all the bits of armor strewn about the terrain was horrifying. Kanan was positive that he’d seen some skeletons, too, that the scavenger birds and whatever else lurked on this planet hadn’t cleaned up. He knew that Rex had been the one leading these men who died on some long forgotten battlefield. It was no wonder he’d been so reluctant to accompany them.
Rex’s near breakdown in the clearing had shocked him, especially the statement about the Jedi Council being hypocrites (Kanan personally resented that; Master BIllaba was not a hypocrite, thank you very much). He wondered now more than ever what exactly had happened during this campaign, but Kanan knew better than to pry. He wasn’t so keen to talk about his own trauma, anyways. He’d never force Rex to do something he was uncomfortable with.
The airbase was, blessedly, devoid of any life. Rex announced that he’d lead them to where their temporary barracks and medbay had been. If they were going to find anything of use, it’d be there. After that, he’d take them to the hangar where they’d hopefully find weapons they could use in their fights. He was still clutching the helmet he’d found at the sight of the tombstone tightly in his hands, but they’d luckily stopped shaking.
Once they reached the barracks and medbay, they searched for a few minutes and found merely a few bacta patches. Everyone seemed to be a bit peeved at that, but Rex only chuckled.
“Well, Kix ran an efficient medbay. He’d never have left much behind, if anything. I’m honestly shocked we found that much, but I suppose this had been a rough campaign for us all,” He said, smiling fondly at the memory of his brother. HIs smile fell after a few moments, and Kanan had no doubt that he was remembering what had happened to his brother. Kanan didn’t think he wanted to know.
“Well. Off to the hangar, I guess,” Rex said, gesturing at them to follow.
“Since this base really is abandoned, I’m going to call Chopper and have him bring the ship over here so we don’t have to go through all that again,” Hera announced as they walked. Rex nodded in acknowledgement (relief was washing off of him in waves) and Hera made the call.
The hangar had more stuff for them to work with. Rex told them that they could take the missiles from the Umbaran fighters, which gave them quite a few to return with. It appeared that the trip wasn’t a total bust, after all.
“Do they not have doors on their hangars?” Ezra wondered aloud as they were working on transporting the missiles to the Ghost, which Chopper had landed a few minutes before.
“Oh, they did. Hardcase… kind of blew it up when he was trying to figure out how to pilot one of the Umbaran ships,” Rex replied, “He was prone to explosions like that. Krell nearly courtmartialed him then and there.”
“Oh… was he not supposed not be piloting one of those ships?” Ezra asked. Kanan nearly facepalmed; for an empath, Ezra really didn’t understand how to steer clear of topics people obviously didn’t want to discuss.
“No… it wasn’t exactly a sanctioned mission. Krell was… he was…” Rex trailed off, expression worn and sad before he finally continued, “He was not good.”
Ezra wisely didn’t speak up again, but Rex seemed lost in thought. His expression was scarily blank. Zeb gently took the missile Rex had been pushing out of his hands. Rex didn’t even react.
“Rex, are you okay?” Hera asked worriedly, obviously debating on whether or not she should reach out to him or not.
Rex startled at his name and shook his head as if to clear his thoughts, “I, er, I… I need a few moments alone.” He abruptly spun on his heel and headed towards the large tower that stood over the base.
Ghost Crew watched him go. As soon as he was far enough away so that he wouldn’t hear them, they looked at each other in concern.
“Should we go after him?” Zeb asked, glancing towards the tower that Rex had entered.
“He did say he wanted to be alone,” Sabine pointed out, “I don’t think we should bother him right now.”
“If he isn’t back in 10 minutes, I’ll go check on him,” Kanan offered, surprising even himself. The others rose their eyebrows at him and wore knowing expressions on their faces.
“What?” Kanan said, placing his hands on his hips defensively. The others didn’t reply but chuckled at him.
10 minutes passed, and Rex had yet to return, so Kanan did as he had promised and went to the tower to look for him. He went to the upper levels first, but upon finding them vacant, went to the lower ones. He soon found himself in what looked to be prison cells. He could hear faint sniffles coming from nearby, and jumped down to find Rex sitting on the ground by one of the cells, staring at it and sniffing occasionally.
Kanan didn’t speak as he approached Rex, but made sure his steps were loud enough that he knew he was there. He gently laid a hand on the clone’s shoulder. Rex stiffened for a moment before relaxing. They stood with each other like that for a few more minutes before Rex sighed heavily and pushed himself up. Kanan offered his hand to help pulled him up, which Rex gladly took. Rex’s eyes were red and he was still sniffling occasionally, but not nearly to the degree he had been when Kanan had found him.
“I’m… sorry I’ve been in a bad mood this entire time,” Rex said as they began to make their way out of the prison cells.
“Don’t be,” Kanan said, “I may not know exactly what happened on Umbara, but I was in the war, too. Battles leave scars, even if you can’t see them.”
Rex nodded, “I’ll tell you all about it on the way back. You deserve to know why I reacted the way I did to everything.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Kanan said, “I get not wanting to relive trauma, probably better than the rest of them.”
Rex huffed a humorless laugh, “All I’ve done here is relive trauma. I might as well tell you all about it. I promised Ahsoka I would if I needed to, anyways, and while I don’t need to… I want to. Maybe talking about it will help me work it out. Force knows time hasn’t helped with that, anyways.” He patted Kanan on the back and the rest of their trip to the ship was in silence.
Kanan thought that maybe this had been Ahsoka’s goal all along, to help Rex heal from whatever had happened here. It was definitely a backwards way of doing so and Kanan wasn’t entirely sure he agreed with Ahsoka’s methods, but maybe it would help him in the long run. Kanan certainly hoped so.
——————
The moment Rex had entered the tower and made it to the prison cells where Krell had been killed, he let himself have a good, old fashioned breakdown. He screamed, threw both of the helmets in his possession, kicked things, and most importantly, sobbed. He cried for all the brothers he’d lost to Krell’s insolence and his own failings, for the injustice of Krell’s grave being placed smack dab in the middle of where the friendly fire incident occurred (and the fact that he got a grave in general), and he cried for those he hadn’t been good enough to save. If he’d just done more, it could’ve all been prevented. Rex saw many horrible things in the war, but aside from the very ending when he’d had to bury his own brothers, Umbara was the worst he’d ever experienced. He still woke up in the middle of the nights from the nightmares it caused and he’d never been able to forgive himself after it all went down. His men forgave him, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to do the same.
The moment Ahsoka brought the name up, he knew nothing good was going to happen. He’d asked to speak to her in private so that he could explain to her why, exactly, he didn’t want to go to Umbara, but she’d out-stubborned him.
“Ahsoka, I can’t go to Umbara. Please,” Rex had said when they were alone in the hallway.
“Rex, this is really important. It could bring the Rebellion much needed supplies!” Ahsoka exclaimed.
“Or it could all be a bust and trigger a panic attack!” Rex countered, glaring at her, “Did you know that I still have nightmares from Umbara?”
Ahsoka paused, “I’m sorry, Rex, I didn’t know that. Maybe this will help you address some of your trauma, then.”
“Or it will just make it all worse,” Rex said, “If you’ve ever cared about me, you wouldn’t make me do this.”
Ahsoka narrowed her eyes at him, “That’s a low blow, Rex. You know I care about you.”
Rex sighed and nodded, “Yeah, I do. I know. I’m sorry. I’ll go on the mission.”
“It’s alright, Rex, I know you didn’t mean it,” Ahsoka replied, “I really didn’t understand how much Umbara still hurt you. Are you certain you want to do this mission?”
Rex paused, considering his answer carefully, before he nodded, “I’m certain. I need to do this for myself and for my brothers.”
“Okay, if you say so. Promise me you’ll tell the others about what happened if it becomes necessary?” Ahsoka asked, concern lacing her tone.
“I promise,” Rex said. She rested a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him before telling him to go prepare himself. She could easily finish the briefing without him.
Coming back to the present moment, Rex wasn’t sure if he regretted his decision or not. Maybe it really would help him with his trauma, or it would make it worse. Only time would tell.
He had been surprised when it was Kanan that came looking for him. He’d only finished his breakdown moments earlier, knowing the others would be wondering where he was and that he had to get back to them soon, but he refused to face them until he was more put together. Kanan had come looking for him before he’d had the chance to calm himself completely, but the Jedi hadn’t done anything more than keep him company. Rex was glad that Kanan really did care about him; he had every right to distrust Rex, but the fact that he’d come looking for him showed that he cared more than he let on.
Now, they were all back in the Ghost in hyperspace, heading back to rejoin the rest of Phoenix with their findings. Rex was glad that it hadn’t all been for nothing; Umbaran missiles were powerful and they would prove very useful. Now, he was sitting in the common area of the Ghost like he had on the way to Umbara, pondering how he’d begin to broach the topic.
He knew the others were worried about him and that they wouldn’t force him to do this. Still, he felt that he should. He’d told them plenty of the good stories from the war, but he always omitted the harsher details or the ones that he felt they didn’t need to know. War truly had never been dull, but that didn’t mean it’d been very fun all of the time, either. However, they were essentially fighting a war now, and while he didn’t think the Rebellion would have another Krell on their hands, it didn’t hurt for them to be aware of the fact that things could go horribly, horribly awry. The worst they’d had to deal with so far, from what Ezra had told him, was the Grand Inquisitor. Rex was well aware of the fact that there were far worse threats out there than him.
After they’d been in hyperspace for about 20 minutes, Rex figured he was finally ready to tell his story. He called them all to the common area. They came in and settled around him, Ezra to his left and Sabine to his right.
“Right. There’s… there’s no easy way to tell this story. It happened years ago for me, about a year and a half into the war, and I still have nightmares about it,” Rex began. He could tell by the way that the reacted (or, the lack thereof) that this statement shocked none of them.
So, he poured his heart out to them and let himself be vulnerable in a way they’d never seen before. He laid down the mask of the well put-together Captain and showed just how broken he truly was. He spoke about Krell replacing Anakin, about how they’d all had a bad feeling before anything bad had really happened, about how Krell only called them by their numbers instead of their names. He told them about how Krell refused to listen to their plans and instead chose the ones that were practically suicide, about how little he cared about the already skyrocketing death toll. He told them, with a wistful smile on his face, about Fives and how he had refused to listen to Krell.
“Fives was smarter than I ever was, I think. He saw straight through Krell from the beginning, but it took me until… until something later for me to finally listen to him. I’ve regretted every single day since then. Maybe I could’ve saved more of my brothers if I’d listened to Fives…” Rex trailed off. They didn’t know about Fives and the chips, so they didn’t catch the double entendre there, but he figured he’d tell them about that at a later date.
He told them about Fives, Jesse, and Hardcase going up to the Separatist control ship and Hardcase scarfing himself to destroy it. He told them about how Krell had courtmartialed Fives and Jesse then and there, and that when Rex had tried to argue for them and called them heroes, Krell sentenced them to death by firing squad. Rex spoke of Fives’ impassioned speech to his brothers and how they’d all purposefully missed their shots afterwards. He spoke, with great difficulty, about the friendly fire incident Krell had incited by tricking both them and Waxer’s platoon from the 212th.
“He was a Jedi. They were supposed to be good and we’d always been told to never question a Jedi’s orders. Why would we? Skywalker had never led us astray before, and I thought… I thought maybe Krell was just having a bad week. I was a fool,” Rex said, picking up Waxer’s helmet and running his thumb across the top of it, “Waxer’s dying words were to tell me about Krell’s deception. I don’t like to think about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t seen that downed 212th soldier.”
He spoke of finally having enough of Krell’s ways and convincing his men to commit treason with him. It hadn’t been very difficult to convince them, of course. Then he got to the part where they confronted Krell, and Krell slaughtered them left and right. It had been thanks to Tup finding one of the carnivorous plants that they’d ever managed to capture him. Finally, he got to the part where he tried to execute Krell, about how Krell had confessed to being a traitor intent on joining the Separatists. He paused then to tell them about Dogma and what he had been doing that entire time, about how loyal he’d been and how hurt he’d been when he found out he’d been used that entire time.
“I… I tried to shoot him. He encouraged me to do it, but my hands were shaking. I couldn’t. Dogma was the one who did it, in the end,” Rex finished, “It should have been me, though. Dogma got sent back to Kamino after that, they didn’t even bother giving him a trial because he was just a clone, and I never found out what happened to him. He was either reconditioned or decommissioned and I’m not sure which one would’ve been preferable.” He knew they didn’t know what those two terms meant, but he didn’t think he had the strength in him to explain all of that on top of Umbara.
“When I found Krell’s grave back on Umbara, it felt like a slap in the face. It was in the same spot the friendly fire incident happened in, and I don’t know why the Council thought it was necessary to put it there. He was a Fallen Jedi; not even a Jedi anymore,” Rex said with a shake of his head, “It makes no sense. It took weeks for me to trust the Jedi again, same with my men. My men… I felt like I had to earn their trust again. They assured me that they didn’t blame me, but I’m not sure I ever believed them. If I’d just done more… If I’d just listened to Fives earlier… I could’ve saved at least a few of them. Ahsoka didn’t make me go on this mission, by the way. She told me I didn’t have to, but I chose to. Maybe, subconsciously, it was a form of punishment to myself, to see some of my worst mistakes thrown back at me like that. At the time I thought I was doing it to honor my brothers.”
Rex looked down and regarded the helmet in his hands closely, unwilling to look up and see the judgmental expressions they’d have on their faces. They’d finally learned that the Captain Rex was anything but invincible and had made many mistakes in his time. Would they even trust him after this? What if they thought he’d let them down in the same way he let his men down?
Before Rex could fall too far into these thoughts, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Sabine and Kanan had switched seats at some point (Rex was amazed that he’d managed to miss that) and Kanan now sat to his right.
“Rex, it’s okay,” Kanan said softly, “Nobody here blames you for what happened then, either. You did what you thought was right and in the end, that’s all you could do. Thank you for telling us this. I know it wasn’t easy.”
Rex smiled at him appreciatively, barely holding back his tears. All he could manage to say was a simple “thank you,” but he knew that they all understood that he meant so much more than that.
Later that night, after they’d reunited with Phoenix Squadron and he was back in his bunk, Rex managed to sleep without nightmares for the first time in far too many years. Ahsoka peaked into his quarters at one point to check on him, and prodded his mind to make sure he was alright, smiling to herself when she found him to be content and resting well.