Chapter Text
The TV screen is on with sounds and lights painting the room, but Dean isn't focused on the action there. His eyes stare at Cas' right hand grabbing a handful of popcorn while he still chews with his cheeks full… With his left hand Cas lightly scratches his beard, short but longer than he used to keep… It's such a simple gesture and so absently human that it captures all of Dean's attention. Cas is wearing a T-shirt, and his arms are exposed, legs sprawled on the edge of the bed, wearing jeans… It's Cas… Castiel. And yet it's a new version of him, without all the bells and whistles. An okay weird guy, a dorky little guy, a handsome guy and…
Dean hears someone clear their throat and his attention moves to the person sitting next to him. Kevin has a raised eyebrow, a frown that says ‘Am I invisible to you?’ while he's with his arm outstretched, holding a beer towards Dean.
"Hey?" Dean doesn't seem to fully understand the situation.
“I asked if you want another beer, Dean…” Kevin rolls his eyes. "Here." He then shakes the bottle in front of Dean's eyes.
"Oh." And Dean holds it. "Sure… Thanks."
Dean looks around. They are in Sam's room, trying to watch some Game Of Thrones episodes. The place is definitely small for the five of them, and it would be awesome to have a bigger room for that. Sam and Kevin, each in a chair, but Charlie, Dean and Cas are sharing spaces on the bed. Cas is in front of the bed, in the corner to Dean's right, awkwardly trying not to get in front of the screen; and Charlie closer to Dean, leaning against the headboard. Now everyone seems to have noticed Dean's rambling, with Sam and Charlie having arched eyebrows, loaded with some meaning and little subtlety, mostly on Charlie's part.
Charlie came to visit them after being fired as she found out that the company she worked for was outsourcing to child labor, so she took a big Wikileak all over that... Now she is helping them to learn how some of the old computers, relics powered by magic and technology, work... She has been in the Bunker for two days and for the first time she has met Kevin and Cas. They decided to take a break and watch some series and movies, so far they managed to watch almost the entire first season of Game of thrones.
Cas turns his face fully to see Dean, eyes narrowed, head tilted and eyebrows drawing together as he tries to figure out what that detached vibe of what happened on television is all about.
Dean clears his throat and runs a hand over the back of his neck.
“Hey I heard in season three Joffrey is going to…”
“Whoa, whoa, no spoilers!” Sam and Kevin interrupt at the same time, and Charlie just half smiles and nudges him with her elbow.
"Winchester, we still have a long way to go to figure things out." She says, and for a second her eyes flicker between him and Cas, or is Dean imagining things?
"And I haven't read all the books yet." Sam speaks more seriously than Dean expected.
“I read up to the fourth book, but they usually change some things in the adaptation and I want to wait and see if…”
“Nerds…” Dean mocks them, leaning over to grab more popcorn from the bucket beside Cas.
“Love is the death of duty…” Cas recites thoughtfully. “I think Jon Snow will suffer to fulfill his duties…”
Cas seems unfazed by any of the previous conversation. He just keeps looking at the television, but now with a reflective look, then turns to face Dean and smiles slightly at him as he pushes the bucket towards him. There's almost nothing in there.
"I apologize, I think I ate too much." Cas says with an ‘I'm sorry’ in his tone too.
“Um…” Dean pulls himself together. "No problem, man… You're human now, eating is part of the package... And uh, I don't think popcorn can satisfy everyone's hunger, I think I can go out and buy some pizzas, what do you guys think?"
"I think it's great!" Charlie raises her voice excitedly. "And I can go with you."
“I can go too…” Cas starts but is interrupted by a Charlie saying “no, no, you better stay here and…” and she looks at Dean as if asking for backup.
“And washing the dishes…” Dean speaks without taking his eyes off her, and almost doubting his own suggestion. “You, Sam and Kevin, yesterday's dishes are still all in the sink and the kitchen is a mess… How about Charlie and I go out to get the pizzas while you guys clean up and we can have dinner in a cleaner environment…”
"Of course, Dean." And Cas responds determinedly as if he's been given a crucial mission… Which Dean thinks is maybe an exaggeration, but maybe it's an effect of all the times he's been calling attention to the mess Cas, Kevin and Sam leave when he's not around.
"Okay, so let's stop here." Sam says, taking the controller and stopping the image in which the end credits for that episode appear.
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"So what about, uh, Cas? The dreamy Castiel… What's up with you two anyway?" Charlie says bluntly the moment after Dean puts the key in the Impala and starts driving to Lebanon's pizzeria. And he gasped, coughing dryly as if he hadn't seen it coming from her.
"What do you mean?" Dean snorts, trying to disguise his own lack of ignorance on the subject.
“You… He… stares AND stares… Walking closer and closer every time you can get apart in the same room… Carver Edlund descriptions of your thoughts, yours at least… I don't think he was very good at describing those of Cas… For some reason he doesn't get his character very well, which is amazing since he's a prophet of the Lord and should…” Charlie mends the words on a train that Dean predicts could go far if he doesn't call her back.
"Charlie." He sighs. “I think I need to check out better what Chuck wrote after my trip to Hell…”
"Oh, I can say that the lack of personal space has been described in an interesting way... It makes me understand a little better why so many fanfics..." Then she makes a gesture and an expression like 'this part is not important right now' when she sees the confusion on his face. "But, also…" She hesitates. "You and him… It feels intense… In and out of fiction, I mean…"
Dean risks looking at her, and sees a small smile reassuring him that she understands this.
“He's Cas…” And that's all Dean manages to say without giving too much away, but letting a not-always-appearing softness fill the sound of those words.
"Obviously." She says almost rolling her eyes. “And I mean he's an angel…or he was… which is super cool…I mean, at least he seems like the cool kind of angel, not the bitches you guys faced…But, you get what I meant before, right?”
“He's my best friend, I…” Dean swallows. "But I did understand."
Charlie's eyes sparkle. "So there's something between you guys?"
And she almost claps with excitement.
"Easy there, Charlie... There's nothing like a 'thing' between us... At least I don't think so..." Dean tries to keep his tone neutral, but fails on the edges.
"You think? Haven't you ever talked to him?" Why does she look confused?
Dean snorts as if the idea is preposterous and shakes his head.
“There's nothing to talk about, Charlie…I…” keep your tone neutral, keep your tone neutral, Dean thinks. "I said I needed him, I said he was my family, I almost said that I... And well, he left anyway... And I don't know how angels feel about these things..."
“But he's not an angel anymore…” Charlie points out.
"Yeah, yeah, but he's been human for less than a month... And with Cas it's complicated..."
"Because he is in a male body?" Charlie risks, they never talked openly about Dean being into men either.
Dean tightens his fingers on the steering wheel, and blinks for a second. It's not that, but some memories of him when he was a teenager and realized he was attracted to men and women, with a slight panic about what his father might think, return to the surface. He shakes his head.
“No, not at all… One day that might have been an issue, but it's not the most important thing now…” And Dean lets his voice trail off a little, softening. "I just don't talk about it much."
"Why not, Dean?" Charlie looks worried, maybe worried isn't the best word for what she's trying to express.
“When I was younger, I… I didn't want it to interfere with how my dad saw me… I don't know… The way he was… If he thought this was wrong enough, maybe he'd try to push me away from Sam, so I wouldn't harm him in any way…” Dean chokes. "He used to send me away when I pissed him off or disappointed him... So I guess I just got used to not talking about it..."
"Does Sam know?"
"Well, I never said anything in all the words to him, but he's my brother and the guy knows me... He must have seen me flirting with one guy or another during our hunts... I just don't bring it up... uh when we were kids, it was just me and him... And at school, kids sometimes bullied him because he was a nerd, skinny and not as big as he is now... He knew how to take care of himself, but... You know, I dropped out of school, but when I was there I didn't want to give a shit what those assholes thought, but I knew what they would say if they noticed something, the names, the rumors… And they wouldn't make life easier for Sam if I was around, so I was careful. I dated more girls than I really wanted, because having the reputation of being a jerk to them seemed better than the alternative…"
“I understand, Dean…” Charlie presses a hand on his tense shoulder, almost giving him a start, but then Dean relaxes a little. "But then what?"
“It never seemed worth it, because no one ever stayed long enough to seem relevant to mention the fact…” Dean tries to shrug but keeps tapping a few fingers on the steering wheel, not taking his eyes off the street, until he starts doing the movement to park. “I think I just got used to not saying…”
“Well, first, you don't have to wait for a relationship to talk about it if you want to…” Charlie holds up a finger. “And second but not least, Cas has been around for a few years…”
“But like I said, he was an angel and maybe he…” Dean tries to argue.
“Couldn't feel things the same way… I get that part. But Dean, honestly, anyone who can see and hear the way he calls your name can tell there's something else there…” Charlie stops when she sees Dean's expression as he looks up at her. “Unless you don't want to notice…” She deduces.
"It's not that... It's just..." Dean looks away. "He is Cas…”
"And what does this mean to you, Dean?" Charlie asks softly, but with some anxiety already showing.
“That means…” Dean hesitates, facing the pizzeria, meters ahead, as if the static place offers an inner mystery. "That I want him to stay."
The confession is quick, but not painless. Dean wonders why he finally decided to talk about it now. He certainly could have deflected or avoided the subject with a few excuses and barriers, although he knows how strong Charlie's presence is… But Cas is human now, Cas is living with them, perhaps more permanently… Cas is sharing the kitchen, the bathroom, the library and spending nights watching movies and falling asleep beside Dean… For the first time Cas is a constant, and the whole reality of their relationship, the looks, the closeness, the accidental touches and the not-so-accidental touches… And the desire to hug him, to laugh with him... Everything is more present than it has ever been, and maybe Dean doesn't want to shut it all up, maybe if there's a chance he wants to hear about it... However, he's sure he isn't ready to ask and hear from Cas himself, so Charlie is his best option because she is there asking, leaving everything open and being herself, no awkwardness, no judgment, just his best friend and sister saying he can talk and it is alright.
Charlie takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders.
"Dean Winchester." She says in a falsely forced voice, like she's going to scold him. "Don't be an idiot." But she smiles when she ends.
"What?" He reacts, almost surprised.
"Why do you think he won't stay?" She softens her voice, but her look is almost exasperated.
“Well… Nobody stayed…” He says in a low voice, trying to be casual about it, but quietly. "How can I be sure he won't leave again or something…?"
"Dean." She tilts her head, a sincere smile on her face. “Don't be silly. You said already: it's Cas… Your Cas…” She adds, placing a hand on Dean's forearm.
A part of him shivered at those words. And his mind wandered to a quick ‘What if he stayed…?’. Charlie's gesture is comfortable and makes Dean not pull his arm or step back. He's among friends. Charlie, Sam, Kevin and Cas… They were part of a family and would protect each other… And that went for everything, monsters or dramas, apparently.
Dean takes a deep breath, then turns his face and stares at her for a few seconds, just to make sure it's okay, that after all this talk they're still okay. And he smiles at her.
"I think we're going to need about five pizzas or more." He says, the lightness rising in his voice with each word, hiding the remnant of anxiety.
"You bet! You alone eat a whole pizza.” And she lets go of his arm. As they move to get out of the car, she calls out to him. "I love you."
"I know." And Dean thinks how grateful he is for Charlie's important little intrusion. She sure can break into any place and system in the name of a good cause.
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