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Chapter Text

There they were, stripped bare of all walls and defenses, only naked vulnerability between them now.

Gai had never been fond of the Hokage building. Too many painful times where he was called in to face disappointment: his father's death being concealed, not being admitted to ANBU, Lee's risky surgery. And now, the end of whatever he had been doing for thirty years.

They cheated death yet once again. Gai wasn't sure how to feel about the whole ordeal. He didn't set foot on the Tobishachimaru expecting to die, but in that moment when they fell out and were plunging into their demise, he welcomed it. Gai didn’t resent living, but he wasn’t particularly fond of it either. He had planned for himself a heroic death - one that would make Papa proud, though he knew his father would be regardless of how he went out - and thought that he had it all sort out. Surviving was an anomaly that became a current reality, leaving him lost and confused as to what he should do. How could one move forward never knowing that forward was an option? He kept on doing what he knew - training tirelessly. But his body - his stubborn, damaged body - wouldn't move the way it used to, the way he wanted it to. He had lost everything that defined Maito Gai and all that was left were mere fragments of the man he once was.

But if there was something Gai excelled at, it was being optimistic, or at least putting up so good of a front about it that nobody could tell. Lee constantly praised him for his ever-withstanding attitude after losing a leg, not knowing the multiple times he howled and wailed loudly of bitter regrets where nobody could see. So, he did what he knew best and plastered a grin on his face, "That flying ship was fun, wasn't it, Kakashi?"

Kakashi nodded, his eyes wandering aimlessly on the photos framed on his table. Gai knew there wasn't one of him.

He stopped for a minute, wondering if he should keep up with the facade or just get straight to the point. His seemingly endless stream of flowery words and phrases seemed to have evaporated after decades of using lavishly. For the first time, he was tired of trying.

"Now that you're the Hokage, let's stop here," he exhaled painfully, like those simple sentences just took all of his chakra with a snap of the fingers.

Kakashi stared at him - with both black eyes, now. It had been quite a while since Kakashi gained them back, but Gai still felt as if they were foreign, like an enemy's genjutsu. The scar was still there, a constant reminder of who and what was between them. After a minute of stinging silence, he asked, "Stop what?"

"Our rivalry," Gai smiled a smile that didn't even reach the corner of his eyes. Silence filled the air once more, and they both let it simmer. Kakashi's gaze on him was burning now, but his eyes were unreadable. 

"Gai," Kakashi called his name, "Did you forget about what I said that one time I was almost made Hokage?"

"It was different then, Kakashi. We both know that."

Silence.

"Of course, I am eternally grateful that you have been treating me like a shinobi even after the war. However, I want to continue to support you as a friend, not as a rival anymore." 

Gai could feel Kakashi's squinting eyes drilling a hole in his forehead with his sharp gaze, a why-the-hell-are-you-making-a-fuss-about-this floating between them.

Why? Gai wanted to laugh, not his usual optimistic everything-will-be-alright, bold laughter but the bitter, sarcastic one he had taken on after losing a leg.

But Gai had always had patience when it came to Kakashi. His one weakness. He lifted the corners of his mouth into a curve that resembled a smile, “Neither of us are gaining anything as rivals anymore. I believe it is better for us to call a fitting end to this rivalry before it turns into something undesirable.” Like Gai, for one.

“You think that our rivalry exists only if we benefit from it?” Kakashi answered with a question. It was so like him, to redirect and cover his bases.

Gai had learned, too, how to deal with Kakashi when he was being difficult. “Rivals push each other to become greater versions of ourselves, to go beyond our limits. I’ve given you my all, Kakashi. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything left that can change you for the better.”

The Sixth Hokage stood up from his desk, his gaze fixed on Gai’s. The unbalance position was meant to cause a shift in power, a common scaring and interrogation tactic. But Gai wasn’t intimidated - he had always been the one with the losing hand all along. He was no stranger to being put in a weaker spot.

After a minute of strategic silence, Kakashi spoke, “Gai, I need you by my side. Now that I’m the Hokage, I need all the support that I have to support the village. There’s nobody that I trust more than you-“

“And I’ll do it as your friend,” Gai sighs. There’s nobody alive that you trust more than me. A dead man, though, will definitely trump me any day.

“Kakashi,” he spoke first this time, “I will always be by your side. Whenever you want me to, wherever you need me, I’ll be there. But I’m done fighting a losing battle. I’m tired of knowing that when you look at me, you don’t see me.”

There, he said it. He let it loose. The bitter, sour, rotten thought that he had held back for years now. It was the only way he knew how to end this conversation effectively, no going back for either of them.

“I’ve watched you suffer in misery for over thirty years now. Each and every day I am reminded of my only failure in life - to get you to move on and to live in the present. But you don't see me. You're too indulged in the past, even though I was there all along. And I...,” Gai pushed through the crack in his voice, “I’m powerless. I cannot compete against the dead, Kakashi. I couldn’t even die right - twice. So now I live seeing you with Obito’s dream, Obito’s regrets, Obito’s beliefs, everything you think Obito would have said and done.”

His eyes were glistening now. Gai had showed all of his cards for the first time, though he knew he would have lost either way. He poked a hole in the paper wall between them, finally ripping off any sense of false normalcy they mutually agreed to. Kakashi always knew that Gai was in love with him, and Gai knew that Kakashi knew. They were just both good at pretending to be oblivious, too scared of losing the comfort they have in the other.

“Kakashi, I’m not in the springtime of my youth anymore. Perhaps the greatest lesson I’ve learned in my late age is that sometimes effort cannot compensate for lack of ability," he said sadly, and they both looked at the white cast that binded what was once his right leg, "Especially when it comes to people.” Even for a man of perseverance, who had overcome all the impossible, Gai knew it was time to stop. "I spent years breaking down your wall, and all it took was one-"

Gai paused for a sharp inhale, repressing the bile that just came up his throat.

"-one reappearance from him to ruin my decades-worth of effort. He died for you and he died for you again. Unless I can somehow die twice for you, I..." he let the silence speak for him. He didn't need to finish for Kakashi to understand what he said. They both knew that everything Kakashi had been doing, every thought he carried, every breath he let in and out, he did them with Obito in mind. They were haunted by the ghost of the past, and after a losing battle for thirty years straight, Gai accepted his defeat.

Sometimes to let go was the only way.

And as much as it was killing Gai - Maito Gai, the man whose bodies were made of scars and callouses and had not lived a day without physical pain - he had to give up. He was being dragged along with Kakashi back into the past now. Maito Gai of a few years ago would be okay with that, as long as he could save the love of his life. Maito Gai of today owed his life to Neji, his precious son gone too soon, to Lee and Tenten, who relied on him for support, to Metal, who looked up to him like a grandfather. He didn't get to decide things on a whim anymore, not after losing so much when he never had many to begin with. His life was no longer just his.

"Okay," Kakashi replied, his eyes still fixated on Gai's, "If that's what you want."

"Okay," Gai answered, his tone soft, the smile on his face not faltering.

Chapter Text

In a way, nothing changed.

Gai still passed by the Hokage building every morning before his training, grinning so hard that his smile lines carved thickly into his face, one hand on his wheel, the other waving at Kakashi who was looking out from the window. Once in a while he would approach him to talk about things he believed could be improved about the village - changes to the Academy, training for the new generation (who are in the prime time of their springtime of youth!), just typical Gai concerns. Every now and then he would invite Kakashi and his ANBU on duty to Ichiraku, because only after a hearty meal can one fuel their day with energy! From the outside, it was as if nothing changed after that day. Nobody saw a shift in their relationship, or at least became concerned enough to voice an opinion about it.

But Kakashi knew something changed. It wasn’t an overnight realization, no. It dawned upon him on a late night working overtime, suddenly remembering that nobody had called him “Rival” in months. Nobody showed up at odd times of the day, challenging him to taijutsu matches or one-legged marathons or raw-egg eating contests anymore. When he came back to his apartment every night, he was never caught off guard by the scent of curry made by an uninvited guest, or to the lights in his own home turned on, when he made sure to turn them all off in the morning before leaving. Things he never paid a piece of his attention to suddenly came back stinging like an old wound he didn’t know was there.

Gai really kept his end of the promise. A friend, no more.

In a way, Kakashi should be perfectly content with this. He still had Gai by his side, a trusted ear to confide in and a shoulder to lean on. He didn't have to partake in Gai's high-maintenance lifestyle of contests and self-improvement, which he didn't have time for anyways because Hokage duties were already weighing on him. He could think about Obito, for Obito, with Obito, freely, now. But Kakashi was itching from something he couldn't scratch, unreasonably irritated by a misstep in the routine he had been used to for decades now.

He knew more than anyone how scary and invasive habits could be. He didn't intend to show up at the memorial every morning, rain or shine, for thirty years. It just happened. He didn't plan to have the ghost of Obito, even before he actually died, to overtake his life - and in extension, Gai's, too - but it did. What started out as a mindless thought now became impulse and instinct.

He couldn't blame Gai. He didn't. Gai persevered when nobody else did, put up with him more than anyone else could, kept pushing even when Kakashi himself didn't even try. Gai truly had done everything within and beyond his capability. If anything, he was grateful Gai pulled himself out before Kakashi's past swallow him too and all that was left between them were hurtful memories.

He knew he should keep distance; that was what Gai would have wanted. Instead, he found himself standing in the corner of Gai's favorite training field in the outskirts of the village, chakra carefully concealed. He shouldn't be doing this when the pile of paperwork in his office was piling up into a small tower, yet there he was. The sun had yet to creep from the clouds when the sound of rocks shuffling under wheels startled Kakashi awake from his sleep. This was Gai, after all. Nothing could stop him from training, not even bone-deep pain that could leave an ordinary man screaming at the top of his lungs.

Kakashi watched from the corner of his eyes - he had to be careful, as Gai was still as sharp of a shinobi as he once was - to Gai's every movement. The muscles of his arms rippled under the fabric of his trademarked jumpsuit, sweat glistening on his forehead as his black bangs dampened. He had grown much stronger in his upper body strength ever since losing his right leg. His forehead scrunched into a line as he moved his lower body around in jagged, difficult motions. After a few hundred sets of leg exercises, Gai collapsed on his back, his face finally fully visible under the morning sun.

It was only then did Kakashi see the streaks on his face. Tears. Gai had been crying silently the whole time, his sobs and sniffles hidden by grunts. It occurred to the Sixth Hokage that Gai was still in pain now as he was right after waking up from opening the Eighth Gate, he just got better at faking it. 

Kakashi made Gai this way.

Since when did Gai put up a front to him, too? They used to understand each other better than anyone else could. Kakashi realized he hadn't known Gai at all, now. When he was too indulged in his own past, Gai was working through his own pain while reaching an arm out for him. Yet, Kakashi neglected it all, facing inwardly to his own hurt, not seeing Gai taking on the work of saving them both by himself.

Kakashi had done the impossible: to successfully dissuade Gai from trying, to make the persistent Maito Gai give up.

Now he could only watch as the man pushed himself up on his hands, his teeth clenching from the sharp cuts of rocks underneath his palms. It took Gai ten minutes to finally settle in his wheelchair. Kakashi kept a safe distance behind him as Gai wheeled to the Academy, his signature grin on his face as if all the tears from earlier an illusion. He hid behind a tree listening to the taijutsu master's lecture, transformed into a civilian as he trailed behind Gai and Lee talking boisterously about new training plans, pretended to be a customer at Tenten's weapon shop as the teacher and student duo chatted about new scrolls coming in. He only realized it then how much more colorful Gai's life was compared to his, how he had so much going on even after ending their rivalry. It was as if it changed him for the better now that he didn't have to bother carrying the weight of Kakashi's burden anymore.

He stopped as the sound of the wheelchair moving in front of him came to a halt. First a sigh, then Gai raised his voice slightly, not turning around, "What are you doing?"

"Yo," Kakashi responded lazily as he walked out from his hiding spot, not bothered one bit that his cover was blown. He stood next to Gai, taking one careful look at his face. It didn't show any trace of annoyance, only an unreadable expression that Kakashi hadn't seen Gai worn before.

"You've been following me around all day, Lord Hokage," Gai teased, "Don't you have something better to do?"

"Can I come in?", Kakashi cocked his head at Gai's apartment building in front of them. Surprise overtook Gai's face briefly, only to be replaced by a wide grin. "Of course!"

Chapter Text

They both sit in silence as the tea pot hums slightly on the burning stove. Gai makes himself busy with fetching the cups and wiping the table, occupying himself so that he doesn't have to sit down and make awkward small talk. Is this what their relationship has come to now? Gai was never one to shy away from difficult conversations. Usually, he was the one who initiated most of them. Kakashi wonders how much time they have left as friends before they lose that, too, and become familiar strangers in each other's lives.

"Is something wrong with the village?" Gai asks as he pours the tea into both of their cups, "Security breach? Rouge ninjas? Heated disagreement in the alliance?"

Kakashi cracks a smile. Gai never fails to make things easier for the both of them, even when he himself is clearly uncomfortable. "No, the village is fine."

"Oh," Gai exclaims blandly, his eyes squinting, clearly puzzled, "Something wrong with me then? I wasn't skipping PT. I didn't even miss a single appointment!"

Kakashi is full on laughing now. Gai not doing physical therapy is the last thing he is worried about. How much he misses this, he can't even describe vocally.

"It's not that."

Gai leans back on his wheelchair, taking a careful sip, not pressing further. Kakashi doesn't know this man at all, not this Maito Gai who is walking on egg shells and is so hesitant with his every move. After another episode of perfect stillness, Gai speaks eventually, "If you're here to apologize, don't."

And that was when Kakashi realizes that Gai has been careful for Kakashi's sake all along. Just like how he insists to end their rivalry, Gai doesn't want Kakashi to have to choose between him and Obito. Maybe he's afraid of the outcome and he does the leaving before he is left. Or maybe he's the braver one, ending a meaningless entanglement so Kakashi doesn't have to rack on yet another coat of guilt. 

Gai is smiling now, but Kakashi hates it even more than the numerous time he saw Gai in pain. He has only seen that smile - layered with melancholy and unspeakable depth - twice in their time knowing each other. Once at Duy's empty burial, the other now. The smile that is so anguishing he might as well be crying right now and Kakashi would feel much better. He came here to talk, yet now he is the one being comforted.

"Kakashi, I'm okay. I have a lot left in life that I can now dedicate my time for. The young generation is improving with vigorous speed and great momentum each day and it is my holy duty to pass down my knowledge while I still can.  Of course, I treasure every minute of our rivalry together! It was the springtime of our youth, after all. But if you feel sorry for me, don't be. I am at peace. I just hope that you can say the same one day."

Not knowing what to respond, Kakashi settles on a statement, "I hurt you."

It wasn't a question but an acknowledgement. The sudden claim must have taken Gai by surprise the way he jerked up from his seat, his eyes widening, his brows stretching. Yet another impressive feat from the Sixth Hokage, to incapacitate Maito Gai from speaking.

Taking advantage of the situation, he continues, "I don't feel sorry for you. You have more than I ever did and ever will. I can't blame you for that; it's my fault. But I want to make it clear that I don't feel sorry for you."

Gai is wearing another mask now, one he takes on when he's unsure of the game plan and needs to be extra observant in order to make his next move, "Okay."

"I don't feel sorry for you, but I'm sorry. For everything."

"Everything?"

"I know that you love me," Kakashi throws the bomb out in the open. There truly isn't going back for either of them now. Gai doesn't seem shocked at all. Relieved, even. "But I guess you were right. I was too blinded by my past to acknowledge it. I took you for granted."

A warm hand, calloused and scarred, settles on Kakashi's on the cup. 

"It's okay," Gai smiles the same smile from earlier, "People don't get to choose how they feel. I've learned that now." From experience, because I cannot choose to not love you, even though it kills me to see you in love with someone else.

Of course Gai is comforting him. Because Gai, always so kind and selfless and considerate and gentle, will never admit that he is hurting, will always ask if someone is okay even when he himself is bleeding out. Because it's Gai.

"Is that why you didn't want to continue being rivals? You think I'm too hopeless to be cured?"

Gai sighs, "Kakashi, I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." 

"I don't love Obito."

Any facade Gai has put on drops immediately as the last consonant leaves Kakashi's mouth. An explicit acknowledgement from him is the last thing Gai expects, especially one that addresses the root problem between them. 

"What Obito and I have is complicated. He was a lesson I had to learn the hard way at an age too young, then another lesson I had to learn at an age where nothing should surprise me anymore. There is a lot that goes unspoken between us, and my brain definitely has been trying to fill that gap. I always think about what Obito would do, what Obito wants, because I think that if I achieve all of his dreams maybe I can put him to rest forever. But then I keep stalling, because of course my contradicting mind cannot leave me alone, because I don't want him gone from my memories too. I don't have much left so I guess I've been clinging on to everything I once had. I didn't realize how much it hurt you in the process."

Something is banging loudly. It's only after a while that Kakashi realizes it's the sound of his own heart thumping in his chest as he watches Gai's reaction. Gai's eyes are fixed on the half-empty tea cup in front of him now, averted from Kakashi's blatant stare. 

"All these years," Gai speaks, finally, "I believed that you love him. Because you love him so much and because he's gone now, he's immortalized forever. I thought nothing about me can change my position, always falling behind, always coming second, not unless I'm dead too. But I don't want to do that to you. I'm better than that. I've seen the way you grieve."

He looks up, tears rolling silently from his eyes, dropping onto the table in quiet streams. This time, it's Kakashi who reaches over, his hand wiping away the streaks on Gai's face. He wasted too much of their time, letting his past eat away pieces of him.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, "I hope I'm not too late."

Gai shakes his head profusely. Kakashi knows they still have a lot to work on, with mountains of damage repair to be done before Kakashi can confidently say he loves Gai, and that he's worthy and deserving of Gai's affection. Their problems don't magically disappear overnight just because Kakashi acknowledges them, but it's the first step.

Gai grins into the palm of Kakashi's hand on his face, an earnest, joyful grin now. Kakashi smiles, too, so wide that it imprints on his mask. 

As long as it's not too late and there's hope, they'll be okay. They have the rest of their lives to figure things out together.