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It's never been a secret that Dazai and Chuuya fight. People always assume that their fights are real. But no, they save the real ones for when they get home. When Chuuya screams himself hoarse and Dazai feels himself going numb and shutting down.
Dazai almost didn't realize this was a real one. Until he tried to make a joke and Chuuya looked at him with disappointment that shot straight through his gut.
He doesn't even remember what they're fighting about at this point. Nothing and everything. He probably said the wrong thing and all of Chuuya's pent-up feelings came to the surface.
And Dazai knows he's in the wrong. He always is. But he's been trying hard to get better since he and Chuuya finally made their relationship official. So a setback like this feels devastating.
Dazai had mostly zoned out of the conversation, his brain going over what he should be doing differently. What Chuuya says draws him back. "I need to go," he states, fiery tone gone ice cold. He walks toward the front door and starts grabbing his things.
He already has his hat on when Dazai finally snaps out of it enough to say, "Please," his voice cracking under the weight of the word.
Chuuya freezes, back still to him. Dazai staggers forward on one foot and Chuuya tenses where he stands. "What?" Chuuya snaps.
He feels like his answer won't matter but he responds anyway. "Don't leave." He hopes Chuuya understands the I don't want to be alone at the end.
"I can't be around you right now."
The words cut to the core like a newly sharpened knife and Dazai feels the breath leave him. "I'm –"
The door slams before he can finish his sentence. He feels his legs give out under him and finds himself on the floor. He feels his body shaking. His lungs aren't getting any oxygen. He knows he's breathing but it seems like the air is just going in and out. But he's not panicking. He's not crying. He just sits and stares at the wall.
A small, sinister part of his brain says, Hey, don't you wanna feel something? Don't you want to wake up? You know what you can do.
Except he'd made a big deal about throwing all of those things away when Chuuya moved in. He didn't even keep any hidden. His eyes wander toward the kitchen and up to the knife block. If only he could get his legs to work.
His phone blares rudely from the couch where he'd dropped it early. He can see the emojis on the screen from where he's sitting and knows it's Chuuya calling. His body moves on its own toward the phone. He clicks answer but doesn't say anything.
"Hey." Chuuya still sounds angry but there's caution in his voice now. "You're not... you're not gonna do anything, right?"
Dazai pointedly avoids looking back at the kitchen knives. "I was thinking about it," he says blankly. Chuuya would know if he lied.
Dazai hears a muffled sigh on the other side of the line and there's a long pause before Chuuya speaks again. "It wasn't that I needed to be away from you. I just needed a minute alone to calm down."
"Are you coming back soon?" The longer he's alone, the darker and colder their shared space seems to become.
"I still need some time." He doesn't sound angry anymore but Dazai can tell the yelling will start again if he comes back now.
"Okay," he agrees reluctantly.
"I'm gonna tell Yosano to call you." He leaves no room for argument.
"Okay."
"I still love you."
"Okay."
Chuuya makes an almost annoyed sound. "I'll see you soon," he promises.
Dazai drops his hand into his lap. The silence is so loud it makes his ears ring. He knows he should be putting up a front for when Yosano calls but he can't manage his usual chipper tone now.
So when he answers the call, he just says, "I'm on suicide watch."
"Really?" She sounds casual, like he just said he bought a new couch or something.
"Yeah."
Yosano has had to help him out of some of his more close calls in the past so she isn't new to this. She's used to the numb way he watches her stitch his wounds or bandage him up. "Do I need to come over?"
"No. Chuuya is just overreacting." Dazai looks down at his hands. The tremors have calmed so they're hardly noticeable.
"Oh, so you weren't about to kill yourself five minutes ago?" she challenges.
"I don't think so."
Yosano snorts. "Okay," she says doubtfully. She laughs a couple times before it dies down. She tries to keep things light. "Chuuya told me you've been getting a lot better. Didn't tell me the specifics but he said you seem a lot happier than back then. Is something going on?"
It goes against every instinct in his body to say anything but maybe it will help this time or maybe talking will fill the void of the room. "Just been thinking about stuff lately. Chuuya and I are fighting more."
"I mean, that happens."
"Huh?"
Yosano laughs heartily. "And you're supposed to be some big genius." He imagines her wiping tears from her eyes as she gets serious again. "Did you seriously not know that couples start fighting more when they move in together?"
"...no."
"You and Chuuya are gonna be fine. Just trust me, okay?" She sighs. "Give it another few months to get used to living together and compromising and you'll be great."
He's not sure if he believes her. They love each other, of course, but something always seems to get in the way.
"You don't trust me?" she prompts when he doesn't speak.
"You're kinda scary," he jokes. She cackles and he says, "That laugh is why you're scary." The doorbell rings then. "I think Chuuya is back." Though he can't figure out why he'd bother ringing the doorbell.
"Call me if you need me," Yosano says honestly.
"See you," he says noncommittally. He hangs up the phone and forces himself to stand and walk to the door. When he opens the door, Chuuya is standing outside holding up a shopping bag. He attempts an apologetic smile.
"I... thought we could take a bath together." He looks sheepish.
Dazai attempts his own smile and is sure he fails. Neither of them is used to making up after a fight. They usually didn't say anything and let it fester until another fight started. He steps back, pulls the door so Chuuya can come in.
"If you start the water, I can do everything else," he offers, shuffling awkwardly.
"Okay."
Chuuya half-smiles sympathetically. He reaches toward Dazai. "Can I?"
"Mmhm."
Chuuya's fingertips graze his cheek. Dazai's eyes flutter closed and he tilts his head into the touch. Chuuya lets his hand rest there, thumb stroking gently under his eye. He guides his head down so their foreheads touch. Quiet breaths mingle. Chuuya pulls back a little to press a light kiss to Dazai's nose. Then he turns him around and nudges him in the direction of the bathroom.
A few minutes later, they're in the bathroom, warm water slowly filling the tub. Chuuya slides off Dazai's dress shirt, letting it drop on the floor. Dazai turns his head as Chuuya begins unraveling his bandages, carefully rolling them as he goes.
The scars don't bother Chuuya anymore. It hurt to see them at first, to realize that the bandages had actually been hiding the evidence of Dazai's pain and he'd been ignorant to it. At first, he only saw the marks when the two of them were intimate and it made him want to stop and just hold him every time. Then they moved in together and he saw them every night before bed, every morning, every time they showered together. Eventually, it was almost like he was desensitized to them.
Except on Dazai's bad days. Like today. When he's reminded that while Dazai is much better, he's not "cured" and Dazai doesn't believe he ever will be.
Chuuya holds back a sigh, not wanting Dazai to think he's upset with him. He finished undressing them and then gets in the tub. Dazai gets in next, settling between his legs.
"Do you wanna talk?" Chuuya asks quietly.
Dazai shakes his head against his chest. "Just don't wanna be alone," he replies just as quietly.
And Chuuya knows he's not saying it to hurt him but it does anyway. But he can apologize later.
For now, he hands Dazai the iced peach tea that he got from the convenience store. Dazai hums happily after taking a sip. It's his favorite. He sets the bottle down on the ground and leans back.
Chuuya wraps his arms around him, pulling him as close as possible.
Chuuya made sure the bath would be perfect. The water is bordering on hot, just like Dazai likes it and Chuuya made sure to get them both cold drinks so they wouldn't overheat. He added bath salts with dried rose petals to the water and lit a vanilla candle. He'll make sure to hand-feed Dazai his favorite dessert later.
They stay like that until the water starts cooling down and Dazai asks, "Will you wash my hair?"
"Of course."
Dazai leans forward and lets Chuuya run water over his hair from a cup.
"I'm sorry," Dazai says quietly but no less earnestly.
Chuuya almost stops what he's doing but forces himself to continue. He starts massaging shampoo into the dark curls and Dazai leans into the touch. "Why are you sorry?" Chuuya tries not to sound angry. None of this is Dazai's fault. It's all on him.
"The fight was my fault. I kept teasing you when I should've realized you were upset."
"No," Chuuya says quickly, sharply, making Dazai flinch under his hands. He gently puts a finger under Dazai's chin to tilt his head back. He begins rinsing Dazai's hair. "No," he repeats, softer. "I should've told you I was actually mad. I know you can't always tell."
Dazai remains quiet.
"I'm sorry."
Dazai stills in his hands as Chuuya runs conditioner through his hair, detangling it with ease.
"I shouldn't have left when you asked me to stay. I shouldn't have left the building at least."
"No," Dazai says firmly. "You should be allowed to walk away in a fight... without having to worry about me..."
Chuuya sighs this time. "Didn't we talk about this?"
Dazai nods. Chuuya rinses out the conditioner wordlessly. When he's done, he turns Dazai around. "Hey." But Dazai won't look at him. "You can be sad tonight." Dazai glances up but quickly looks back down. "But I don't want you blaming yourself or thinking any of that negative shit," he says sternly. "Okay?" When Dazai still won't look at him, Chuuya reaches up and pinches his cheeks, not hard enough to hurt but enough to make his smile return for a second.
"Yeah, okay," Dazai concedes. He splashes Chuuya's chest with water. "It's cold," he whines, long and drawn out.
Chuuya rolls his eyes. He used to hate the way Dazai would put on a mask in front of him until Dazai finally told him it helps him get back to normal easier.
So they get out of the bath and head to the bedroom. Dazai sits down on the bed and waits patiently while Chuuya picks out his pajamas. Chuuya holds out one of his own sweaters for approval. Dazai holds his arms up in the air like a toddler, a dumb grin on his face. Chuuya shakes his head but puts the shirt on. "Shorts?"
"Yeah."
Chuuya picks out some of Dazai's nighttime shorts, a pair he bought for him with dogs on them. Dazai claimed to hate them but he wears them every time Chuuya has to go away for work. He helps Dazai step into them and then puts on his own pajamas.
He gets in bed and Dazai immediately latches on, snaking his arms around Chuuya's waist. Chuuya turns on his side a little so he's facing Dazai. With nimble fingers, he tilts his chin up. Russet eyes finally look into his and Chuuya feels himself soften. “I love you so much,” he whispers. “That’ll never change.”
Dazai smiles just as softly. “I’ll try to remember that.” He buried himself in Chuuya’s chest and says with as much feeling as he can, “I love you too.”