Archive of Our Own ^beta

It starts, like many things in Megumi's life do now, with Itadori Yuuji.

So maybe he's being a little mean when he says that, but Megumi is d-o-n-e done with a capital D. For the love of god - Itadori Yuuji is the vessel of the strongest cursed spirit in the world, Ryomen freaking Sukuna. He's the strongest person Megumi has ever seen and yes, Megumi is talking physically here because if he died it would preferably be by Yuuji hugging him too hard with those incredible biceps thank-you-very-much. He's their team sunshine, a social butterfly, far more reliable than Megumi is no matter how much Yuuji tries to say otherwise, has a steadily increasing exorcism count (Nobara has been dedicatedly keeping track), and is overall a good person. One of the few lights left in this world, in Megumi's perfectly respectable opinion (shut up, Nobara). 

Of all things to bring down Itadori Yuuji, it should not be a cold. Especially - especially - when Megumi had foreseen this considering it was winter and they were freezing their collective butts off and he had told Yuuji to wear a coat, you knuckleheaded idiot, you're going to freeze out there -

but had Yuuji listened? No! He'd laughed that stupidly gorgeous laugh, 100% guaranteed to give Megumi butterflies (if not refund guaranteed and 100% warranty for four years), and said "It's okay, Fushiguro! I'll be fine, don't worry!" And look at what had happened. They had exorcised the curses, Gojo had dragged them back, and two days later Yuuji is down with a fever and sneezing and complaining about his sore throat and Megumi will slap the idiot, he swears he will.

"You are going," Megumi hisses as he throws open the cupboard (maybe a bit too much force but he's annoyed now, okay?), "to be the death of me I swear. What did I tell you, huh? Hey - look me in the eye, Itadori, and say it. What. Did. I. Tell. You."

Itadori cowers under the force of Megumi's glare. Good. "To... be careful?" he guesses.

Megumi exhales slowly. Convinces himself not to summon Orochi so she can strangle Yuuji's idiot self. Inhales. "Think again. What did I explicitly tell you to do, since we are in the middle of winter?"

"To... wear a hat?"

He summons Orochi. The massive python manifests in the middle of the common room and hisses, forked tongue flickering out between fangs. "Stop playing dumb. What did I tell you?"

Last shot, he says with his eyes. If Yuuji gets it wrong again Megumi is going to let Orochi strangle him and deal with the consequences later. 

"To wear a coat!"

"Bravo," Megumi mutters sarcastically. He pats Orochi affectionately, running a hand over the smooth scales, before letting her fade back into Megumi's shadow. "Good job. Gold star."

"Really?"

"No! You have a cold and a fever and guess who's fault that is, idiot?" Megumi demands. "Yours! For not wearing a coat like I told you to!"

Yuuji shrinks back under the force of Megumi's rage. Good. Megumi likes to think he has a better grasp on his temper than he did when he was in middle school (those were dark days and they do not speak of them), but when he wants to he can get angry. And right now Megumi is (rightfully) pissed.

"Eat your medicine, you pink haired idiot," he snaps and Yuuji looks at the spoonful with a grimace. He turns wide, puppy dog eyes onto Megumi; an expression he has no right to make when this is all his fault in the first place. 

(No, it is not cute, shut up Nobara.)

"It tastes gross," he whines. "Isn't there a better flavoured one?"

Megumi takes a deep, deep breath and reminds himself that, sorcerers or not, vessel or not, Yuuji is still a teenager. He's aware that the medicine isn't exactly delicious - more like painfully bittersweet in a sad, sad attempt at replicating the taste of cherries - but for the love of everything holy Megumi is going to let Nue electrocute him.

"No," he says, with more patience than Megumi should have at this point. Years of dealing with Gojo Satoru have given Megumi this skill. "It's only a spoonful, Itadori. It'll help you get better."

Yuuji still seems reluctant, eyeing the spoonful of medicine (sitting there innocuously in its reddish pink colour) the same way he would eye a particularly gross looking fourth grade curse. Megumi sighs deeply. He cannot believe he's doing this. 

"I'll summon my dogs if you eat it," he plies and somehow that of all things is the magic word because Yuuji perks up (like Megumi's dogs and Megumi will not admit that he finds it adorable) and makes grabby hands for the spoon. He coughs right after but swallows it down when Megumi feeds it to him and grimaces at the taste. 

"Ewww."

Wordlessly, Megumi hands him a glass of water. Yuuji gulps it down greedily, not pausing for breath until he's drained the entire cup, then sets it down with a sigh and looks at Megumi excitedly. With a sigh that even Nanami would be jealous of, Megumi places his hands together in the symbol.

Kuro and Shiro manifest out of the shadows and Yuuji beams at the sight of them, making grabby hands. Megumi crouches to pet them each, relaxing when Shiro turns and licks his hand, then nods towards Yuuji.

"Keep him company," he whispers. Kuro jumps up onto Yuuji's lap, while Shiro snuggles in beside him. Yuuji laughs in glee and gives Megumi a huge smile, one that sends butterflies rocketing through his stomach. 

"Thanks, Fushiguro!" he says, more chipper than anyone with a fever has the right to be. "You're so nice!"

Megumi, against his will, flushes a little. Automatically he turns away, knowing that it will stand out against his pale skin. "Am not," he denies, heading for the refrigerator to get ingredients for tea and maybe soup. Yuuji will get hungry soon. He's fond of savoury things and normally Megumi might make him something heavier but he has a fever and that means Megumi should stick to soups and other, lighter, foods. What would Yuuji like?

Maki walks in when Megumi is trying to convince Yuuji to eat something (a problem that would not happen normally). She shakes her head at them fondly and then walks away, whatever that might mean. Megumi ignores her.

Really, it's not that strange, no matter what some others might say. Gojo had made endless fun of him when he'd caught Megumi nursing an exhausted, worn Yuuji to sleep and cooed about "my precious Megumi-chan being a tsundere, how cute!" (Megumi had commanded Shiro to chase after him and she had gladly agreed, still holding quite the grudge against him). Inumaki had given Megumi a mysterious eye smile behind the mask, which could only mean some mischief was headed their way. Nobara had snapped pictures of them while Megumi had tried (and failed) to stop her. Okkotsu, the only respectable one, had just smiled at Megumi with approval and moved on. 

So Megumi cares about people, so what. He's not an emotionally stunted idiot (well, maybe the emotionally stunted part applies in some sense, but Megumi prefers to think that he's got the most common sense out of everyone in Jujutsu Tech except maybe for Nanami and on occasions Okkotsu) who can't care for his team. And it's a part of his responsibilities, isn't it? Him, Yuuji, and Nobara are a team and Megumi is the one who leads them in the field (and when necessary off the field as well). So it's Megumi's job to take care of them. If that means helping Yuuji with studying, letting Nobara use him for makeup practice (he's aware she's probably bluffing but - it's just makeup, Megumi got over the idea pretty quickly), or taking care of certain idiots who get sick because they don't dress properly, then Megumi will gladly rise to the occasion.

And maybe Megumi likes taking care of them. Maybe it gives him something to think about; maybe it makes him feel worthy of all the compliments he gets. Whether it's Yuuji's ever reliable saying that "Fushiguro, you're so reliable!" or Okkotsu commenting on how caring he is, Megumi never truly lets himself accept those compliments. There's always a voice niggling in the back of his head that tells Megumi he can't, that Megumi isn't worthy of being called kind or caring. And the only way to fight it off is to make himself live up to them.

If Megumi's being honest, he can track his caretaking streak a ways back; maybe even to when he was a kid and the only semi-reliable (semi because when is Gojo Satoru ever reliable?) adult figure was the weird teen with the white hair who popped in every now and then and didn't seem to care about anything. Maybe to when he snuck extra food into Tsumiki's lunchbox when she wasn't looking because Megumi was small anyway, what would a little less change? Maybe to when he nursed a sick bird back to health when Megumi was in second grade, relying on intuition and what he'd looked up on the internet. 

Even before he'd become a first year, Megumi had done his best to help out his seniors a little; sometimes that meant brewing Nanami his favourite coffee when the other sorcerer was too drained to do it himself, sometimes that meant listening to Okkotsu through his concerns about Rika and his family, sometimes that meant letting Maki take her anger out on something that wouldn't break immediately or making Inumaki tea when his throat got too sore from his cursed technique. Little things, really; things Megumi always considered small courtesies, on the same level as using "please" and "thank you". Even if they were his seniors, well; Megumi was always considered emotionally mature for his age (his teachers' words, not his) and what did it matter anyway? It wasn't anything big.

He supposes that his caretaking streak had jumped in number when Nobara and Yuuji had come along, smashing through his carefully constructed walls with ease and throwing Megumi for loop after loop. It's probably a combination of him being far more mature than middle-school-Megumi and their overall positivity, but Megumi found himself growing to care for them deeply. And as the (unofficial, sure, but he was the one contacted when their team was needed to go fight off curses and Megumi was the one who got to babysit on their trips to other cities so it counted) leader, it fell on Megumi's shoulders to take care of them; a responsibility he took on gladly.

Nobara and Yuuji snuck through his inner fortress so quickly Megumi didn't even realize they were friends until he'd been dragged along to a movie marathon and they had both fallen asleep on his shoulders. What followed had been five minutes of internal panic, ten minutes of external panic (yes they are different things, he's a panic expert okay), fifteen minutes of wondering if he should wake them up, and then an entire night of resignation to his fate. It was only until next morning, when they didn't even flinch after waking up cuddled around him, that Megumi realized they might have become friends.

Well shit, was his first reaction, followed by wait what.

And then Nobara and Yuuji had refused to un-friend him and Maki had been entirely unhelpful when Megumi asked (Inumaki had just snickered softly, Panda had teased him, Okkotsu had gently patted him on the head in a betrayal of his status as the only upperclassman Megumi respected), so Megumi had been reluctantly dragged into friendship. He had not foreseen this coming but here they were.

It really shouldn't surprise anyone when Megumi starts taking care of his two idiots - because, fine, they're idiots and they might somehow manage to punch all his buttons at the same time which should not be possible, but they're his idiots goddammit - but for some reason others always act cartoonishly surprised every time they walk in on Megumi acting like more than a tired NPC character (except for Nanami and Okkotsu, the only two with actual sense). Really, Megumi should be the one who is the most surprised and he isn't, so how come virtually everyone else is?

But, fine. Their weird reactions are something Megumi can live with (see again his lifetime dealing with Gojo Satoru). What Megumi cannot live with is, well...

"Fushiguro!" Panda declares one day when Megumi drops a water bottle on Yuuji's lap with the explicit orders to drink it. "I know what you are now!"

Megumi sighs. He considers for a moment summoning Nue and flying away, or just disappearing into the closest shadow, then reasons to himself that it can't be that bad, right? Okkotsu is running after Panda, a distinctly apologetic look on his face when he meets Megumi's eyes, and okay maybe it is that bad.

But fine. Megumi will indulge it for now. "What am I, Panda-senpai?"

Panda grins as much as a panda can. "You're... the mom friend!"

Silence reigns. Yuuji chokes on his water. Megumi wordlessly slaps his back (instinct). Everyone stares for a second; the longest second in his life and Megumi had fought a cursed spirit who could prolong time for other people. 

Then Nobara bursts out in howling peals of laughter, slamming her fist on the table. "Oh my god, he's right! Fushiguro! You are the mom friend!"

"I'm so sorry, Fushiguro-kun," Okkotsu whispers, catching up to them, a defeated look in his eye. "I tried to stop him."

Megumi looks around at his gang of idiots. Yuuji and Nobara, cackling behind him. Inumaki and Maki, wearing matching grins, undoubtedly the catalyst of this event. Okkotsu, looking completely exhausted with his own gang of idiots.

"Eh? What's this about Megumi-chan being a mom friend?"

Oh no.

Megumi looks at Okkotsu, then at Okkotsu's shadow. Wordlessly, he takes a step forwards and lets himself melt into the dark patch.

From above him, the sound muted as if underwater, Okkotsu yelps and jumps back. The shadow moves and Megumi feels himself being pulled with it. He really doesn't know why Okkotsu is so surprised; he's seen Megumi using this power to run rings around groups of cursed spirits (literally, on occasion). 

It takes Okkotsu plying him with food and Nanami warding everyone off for Megumi to climb back out and pop into reality again.

But - the nickname sticks.

Now instead of surprise it's giggling as Megumi performs his responsibilities he's not a mom friend goddammit. He wonders why everyone finds it so funny, sometimes; it's his job as the leader of their team.

Nobara teases him with it whenever Megumi cooks for them, Gojo drops by on occasion to coo over Megumi's so-called mothering tendencies. And this is even worse. Megumi has taken to summoning Sora, Kumori, and Yuki and letting them loose on people when they bother him. It's usually a good deterrent; no one would dare face the wrath of three pissed off swans and their vicious gusts of wind. The one problem is that people catch on quickly that while Megumi is willing to let them intimidate everyone else all they want, he's not willing to actually hurt them and they stop being as afraid.

"It's not fair," Megumi grumbles (he will never admit to this conversation ever in his life) as he strokes Rumi's fluffy head. She and her multiple other bunny friends are snuggled around them. "No one's scared of me anymore, senpai."

Okkotsu gently pats Megumi on his head - a gesture he likes to do, apparently because Megumi's hair is fluffy. With his other hand he drinks the tea Megumi had made him (Okkotsu really needed more sleep). "Mmhm."

"I literally control shadows," Megumi complains. "I have a sword. I have multiple swords. I can travel through shadows and creep up on other people. I have three feral swans ready to unleash havoc on others."

"You do," Okkotsu agrees, still patting Megumi's head. He will never admit that it feels nice. "What tea is this, anyway?"

"Lavender," Megumi says absently. "How am I not intimidating anymore?"

Has his glare lost potency somehow? No, that can't be it; Megumi has spent years honing and refining his patented glare. He's the best glarer out of everyone in Jujutsu Tech. And it's not like Megumi is weak all of a sudden; on the contrary, Megumi is stronger. His Domain Expansion is getting better by the day. He's improving in close combat. He's managed to summon and control more Shikigami. 

"Have you considered," Okkotsu says delicately after taking another sip of his tea, "that people consider you nice instead of scary?"

Megumi frowns. He strokes Rumi some more and then moves to one of the five other bunnies sitting in his lap. "Why would they do that?"

"Well, you're very kind at heart," Okkotsu points out. "Even if you look scary at first glance."

"Am not," Megumi says, though it's an empty protest at this point. "I don't just look scary, senpai. I am scary."

"Very," Okkotsu agrees. The bunnies are still swarming them. One hops onto Megumi's shoulder. Okkotsu is still petting him like Megumi is a stray cat. "Extremely scary, Fushiguro-kun."

Megumi squints. "You're making fun of me, aren't you."

"Why would I do that?" Okkotsu asks. He even manages to look innocent, the little shit. That sweet facade of common sense and anxiety was all a trap to lure Megumi in. He's just as insane as the rest of them. "Your, ah, bunnies are terrifying... Fushiguro-kun? No wait I'm sorry please don't make me fight your swans again - "

Somehow, his status as the resident mom friend manages to spread.

"I am so sorry," Nanami apologizes as he slices down a cursed spirit with worms coming from its eyes. Sora, Kumori, and Yuki dance around him, gusts of wind blowing things in their path back as Megumi cuts down whatever manages to get in his way. "Their teasing must be insufferable."

"It's fine," Megumi sighs. Nue shrieks above them and lightning arches in a dome from his wings, illuminating the abandoned building with flares of violet light. He slips into the shadows it produces, emerges from the shadows of the rafters, and drops down. "Demon dogs!"

Kuro and Shiro manifest next to him, diving into the group of cursed spirits with twin snarls and mauling anything in reach. Megumi slices one clean in half, lands, and starts fighting. "Really, it's annoying sometimes but I can handle it."

"If it does bother you you should tell them," Nanami says. A staircase collapses, effectively crushing and exorcising a swarm of cursed spirits. "They lack common sense sometimes but they are kind at heart."

They really are and that's what drives Megumi to care about them. 

None of them are heroes. That's not the nature of their work. But sometimes Megumi thinks that if the Jujutsu world had heroes, it would be them, no contest. Flaws aside, they're all dedicated and kind and devoted to their job of protecting others. After all that's what being a Jujutsu sorcerer is about; not their legacies, not money, not bloodlines, not flashy techniques or recognition but helping others. And Megumi, well.

He wants to help people. Megumi has seen what kind of cruelty the world produces and if he can save even one person that's enough for him. If "mothering" those around him helps them, then Megumi will be the best psuedo-parental figure these gang of teenagers (and one stupid adult) has ever had. That's not saying it's much because Megumi really has no idea what he's doing outside of cooking, comforting, and teaching, but he's doing his best.

Insecurities bubble up inside him as Megumi exorcises a spirit that looks a little too much like his comatose sister for Megumi to be comfortable with. Why him, of all people? Why would someone as infinitely kind as Itadori Yuuji or as fiercely dedicated as Kugisaki Nobara befriend him? Just another question Megumi can't answer, he supposes, letting Sora, Kumori, and Yuki peck some random spirit to death.

The point of it is that Megumi knows.

No one in their godforsaken school really has a family anymore; not the students, not the teachers. All of Yuuji's living family are dead. Nobara left to join them. Maki, Inumaki, and Gojo are all estranged from their respective clans, whether it's due to their technique or their lack of. Okkotsu became distant from his family after Rika's death and his joining of the Jujutsu world. Panda is a cursed corpse created by their former principal; he has no family.

Loneliness is the worst kind of drug. It starts off quiet but there, simmering slowly in your heart and it builds and builds, further and further, twisting around you like a cage. And when you finally realize that you're caught, there's no way out; and when you stay in a cage long enough it stops seeming like a trap but instead a home.

Megumi is intimately familiar with loneliness; with the insecurity it brings, the frustration, the fear. Megumi has been trapped in that cage for a large portion of his life. Maybe as a child it was better, with Tsumiki there, but as he started to see and eventually exorcise cursed spirits, the distance between them grew. Even with how much Megumi loved her, with what little heart he had left, they became more and more separate as he changed, turning more distant and skeptical.

He doesn't want others to feel the same way. Megumi wouldn't ever wish the same thing on anyone else, not even his worst enemies. Sure, Jujutsu sorcerers might die alone, but that doesn't mean they have to live the same way, right? 

So he tries to be the reliable and kind person others believe him to be, even if he isn't. So Megumi pushes himself to care more, to show everyone that he's there and that he understands. Watching nature documentaries with Panda when the latter doesn't understand who he might be and comforting him with the help of his Shikigami when Yaga's death weighs on him too much, helping Okkotsu after a nightmare and letting him cry into Megumi's chest when the memories of Rika are too much to bear, giving Inumaki the support he needs when the anxiety from his cursed technique grows to be overwhelming and making him onigiri when Inumaki needs a quick pick-me-up, listening to Maki reminisce about her twin sister and helping take her mind off the Zenin clan with a movie and food. 

Comforting Yuuji through nightmares, rubbing his back through tears and letting Yuuji lean on him instead of being a pillar. Cooking for Nobara when she gets particularly homesick and giving her his best attempt at a pep talk when insecurities overwhelm her. Dropping off meals for Nanami when he gets so busy he doesn't have any time to eat, convincing Gojo to go to sleep and relax for once instead of relying on terrifying amounts of sugar. It's worth the time and effort it takes to see them smile, to see them with new energy and a bounce in their step. And they're always kind afterwards; Yuuji always makes meatballs with extra ginger, Nobara buys him sushi. Panda and Maki show him new moves and help him with his close combat skills, Okkotsu bandages his injuries and gently tells him to "be more careful, Fushiguro-kun", Inumaki joins Megumi in taking care of his Shikigami because even if they are just curses manifested from his shadow Megumi loves them dearly.

And maybe it is Megumi being a bit of a mom friend. Maybe Megumi is trying to take care of them; maybe Megumi just wants those around him to be happy and not feel so small in this vast world. Maybe they're all just teenagers, kids who would normally be under parental guidance if any of them had that luxury, doing their best to protect everyone else and trying to keep themselves intact on a daily basis. Maybe Ieiri is too busy keeping them alive, maybe Gojo is too busy performing his duties as both a teacher and the strongest sorcerer alive, maybe Nanami is exhausted attempting to keep up with the constant influx of curses. Maybe it forces them to grow up quicker than they should and maybe Megumi knows how painful it can be to feel like you will never have anyone to rely on but yourself.

Maybe. Who knows, in the end?

Gojo is drunk. Megumi finds him that way when he bursts awake from a nightmare and heads down to get himself some water, Kuro and Shiro at his side. Gojo is drunk and sitting alone at the table and he might be a fully-fledged adult, he might be Megumi's teacher, he might be the strongest in the world but right now, with only the light from streetlights and the moon illuminating him, he seems so fragile.

Everything has a breaking point. The only question is how long you can hold yourself together until it snaps and Gojo has seen too much for a twenty nine year old with the burden of the world resting on his shoulders. Wordlessly, Megumi pours two glasses of water and carries them over to where Gojo is sitting.

"Drink," he says quietly. Gojo blinks at him with red eyes and sways. His eyes are swollen. There are tear tracks on his face. "Sensei?"

"Megumiiii," Gojo whines and his voice cracks at the end with a new influx of tears. He tries to stand and trips forwards. Megumi quickly catches him. Kuro barks. 

With Gojo's weight resting on him, Megumi brings his arms together and summons Sora, Kumori, and Yuki. "Help me get him to the couch," he instructs and they do; Sora grabs Gojo's collar, Kumori and Yuki his legs. Megumi supports everything else, Kuro and Shiro helping him, and they manage to navigate Gojo to the couch.

"You're too nice, Megumi," Gojo groans and then bursts out in a fit of hysterical laughter. "Ahaha! Never thought I'd.... I'd be... "

He trails off. Megumi sits him up. "Sensei, drink some water please."

"Nooo," Gojo whines and Megumi closes his eyes. Drunk Gojo could be a disaster sometimes. 

"Sensei," he says. "You need to drink it, Sensei."

It takes ten minutes of pleading for Gojo to finally drink the water. Some of it spills out and Megumi wipes it off, wincing. The water seems to help a little, at least; the haze fades a tiny bit from Gojo's eyes and he looks at Megumi with more clarity, blindfold slipping off to rest around his neck.

"I'll make you something to eat," Megumi sighs and returns Sora, Kumori, and Yuki with a whispered thanks. "Kuro, Shiro, stay with him."

"Don't leave," Gojo calls out, voice hitching midway through. Megumi pauses and looks back at his teacher.

"I'm not leaving," he says softly. "I'll be right there, Sensei. Just over there, see? I won't be gone. And Kuro and Shiro will be with you."

Kuro barks and nuzzles up to Gojo's chest. Megumi pauses there for a moment to watch Gojo petting Kuro before he heads into the kitchen and flicks the light on.

"Eat something," he says, carrying a bowl of fried rice over. It's a quick and simple recipe, one he's made many times when there's too little time to eat and Megumi has to whip something up quickly for his team. "Sensei?"

Gojo is crying quietly, tears leaking out from ocean eyes, huddled into himself even as Shiro and Kuro nose at him. Megumi sets the bowl down and takes a seat, letting Shiro drape herself over his lap. "Sensei, what's wrong?"

"He died today," Gojo hiccups, breaths forced in and out and trembling from the force of it. "Fuck, 'Gumi, he died today. He died and it was all my fault, 'Gumi."

It's not Gojo's formerly best friend Geto, Megumi knows. Geto's death is before his birthday and they're past that now. It's not Nanami's deceased partner Haibara either. "Who, Sensei?" he asks softly. The bowl of rice is still steaming on the table.

"Never told you," Gojo mutters, burying his face in his hands. "God, 'Gumi... 'm so sorry."

"For what, Sensei?" Megumi asks. 

"I killed him," Gojo whispers, eyes blank. "Killed him. Guess what, 'Gumi? I didn't even regret it! Fucker had it coming, he was a fuckin' piece of shit! Ripped his heart right out of his chest!"

He laughs, voice tinged with hysteria, nails digging into the fabric of his pants. The normal Infinity that surrounds him like an ever-present blanket has slipped off. "Still don't! He woulda killed me, you know that? He nearly did, too! Only one who even got close, 'Gumi, and then I tore his heart out and pulverized him to bits."

Megumi doesn't know what - or who - Gojo is talking about. It doesn't surprise him much, either; he's known since day one that being a sorcerer would force him to do things that weren't morally correct. All they can do is try their best to adhere to their morals and do the right thing.

He rubs Gojo's back soothingly as the older sorcerer cries into Megumi's shoulder, free of pretenses or masks. Shiro and Kuro cuddle next to them, their weight comforting. Megumi manages to convince Gojo to eat the bowl of rice before he falls asleep on the couch.

"Sorry, 'Gumi," Gojo whispers before he falls asleep. Megumi pauses where he's getting off the sofa to go get a blanket and pillow.

For what? Megumi can hold a grudge but very rarely does he use that against the people he cares about and somehow Gojo Satoru has wormed his way into being one of those people.

"It's okay," he whispers back and then leaves to get a blanket.

Personally, Megumi thinks that they should really get more information whenever they head out on missions. Maybe knowing that the four second-grade curses they were supposed to exorcise were in fact an entire swarm of second-grades would have helped. A lot.

"Watch it!" Nobara yells when Megumi slashes one apart, sending blood and guts and other... things he would rather not think about spraying everywhere. "If you get my uniform dirty I'll flay you!"

"You've fought a vomiting tree!" Megumi yells back. Kuro and Shiro leap to finish off the curses he leaves flailing on the ground, making sure they can't do more. "I think we're well past the stage of being grossed out!"

A nail flashes past him and embeds into the head of a curse carrying multiple, smaller curses. It trembles violently, overloading with cursed energy as Nobara feeds it further, and then blows in an explosion of blue. Small fragments of metal spray everywhere as the big curse is exorcised along with some of its companions. Kuro and Shiro finish off the rest.

"They just keep coming!" Yuuji yells, falling back to them. His shirt is ripped. Megumi does not look at his abs. "We're going to be overwhelmed!"

"Like hell we are!" Nobara yells. Megumi swings his blade through the air, blood singing with adrenaline, and drops it in his shadow momentarily, putting his hands together.

"Nue!"

From the floor comes the owl Shikigami, rising up with brown wings. Megumi takes a breath and feels his connection to Nue, adrenaline coursing through his body like a current. "Electric Spiral!"

Nue shrieks in acknowledgement and starts to fly up in a fast spiral. Static crackles and gathers on his wings, amplified by Megumi's strength, lightning prickling at the tips of his feathers. His ears ring as he yells, "Now!" and Nue's answering cry comes with a burst of electricity running down in dizzying violet spirals. Megumi pulls Yuuji and Nobara down to the ground, making them lie flat on the ground as lightning sizzles and tears through the remaining curses, electrocuting them until they're exorcised. Kuro and Shiro finish off whatever's left and when Megumi places his hand on their heads he feels their own power, rippling around them in quick bursts.

"Is that it?" Yuuji breathes and Megumi exhales slowly.

"I hope so."

"Thank god," Nobara sighs, getting up and dusting off her dress. "Ugh. I need a shower and a nap, preferably several hours ago."

"I'll write the report," Megumi says. "You two should get some rest."

"Can do, will do," Yuuji says and throws an arm over Megumi's shoulder. He twitches at the contact. "Thanks, Fushiguro! Dependable as alway-s Kugisaki!"

Nue shrieks and Megumi quickly returns him as a new - a new - swarm of curses crawl out of the woodwork. Kuro and Shiro growl in fury, reflecting Megumi's own emotions.

"Sad? Happy?" the new curse - Grade 1, Megumi would estimate, a lattice starting to weave around them - cackles. "Afraid, yes? No?"

"Kugisaki!" Yuuji yells but Megumi pulls him back and out of the way of the sudden snap of a thousand needles, piercing up from the lines starting to draw around them. "Ah! What was that?"

"Its cursed technique, no doubt," Megumi says grimly. "We'd better be on our toes."

"This guy is gross!" Nobara spits from somewhere. "Oi! Get off of me!"

"Mean!" the Grade 1 chitters. "Mean, mean, mean! Die, stay? Which, which?"

"Awfully certain we'll die!" Yuuji declares, pounding his fist into his palm. "Fushiguro, what do we do here?"

He's the leader. Their fates ride on him and Megumi feels cold, icy fury curl up in him.

He wants to sleep. He wants to go back and take a goddamn break but these fucks apparently think wasting their time is a great idea. Megumi has already exorcised more curses than he thought he would today and like hell is he getting caught in a game of cat and mouse in the world's deadliest grid paper.

"Get Kugisaki," he instructs. "Nue will carry you. I'll handle the rest."

"Got it," Yuuji says. "You can count on me!"

"Friends?" the Grade 1 laughs. "Love, yes? Lose, always!" An eerie smile peers out. "Die today!"

Like hell.

Rage boils through him and Megumi lets it fuel his cursed energy, keeping it at a constant flow. Nue manifests from Yuuji's own shadow and picks him up. The Grade 1 shrieks and a wall of needles pierce through the ceiling and floor, little spikes breaking off to chase after them. 

"Break through it!" Megumi yells. "Lightning Burst!"

Lightning Burst, a simple extension of Nue's Electro-Wings move; by using cursed energy in the attack, Nue can release an explosive burst of electricity to destroy objects around him in a short radius. Blue erupts over Nue's back and is swiftly converted into lightning, snapping out with a boom. Megumi leaps into action quickly, feinting a left and then leaping to the right, barely dodging the spikes that shoot out after him. He reaches into the shadows formed and pulls out his sword, spinning quickly on his heel to exorcise the baby Grade 3 that tries to take him on. 

Wait for it, he tells himself. Wait for it....

"Kugisaki's safe!" Yuuji yells. "What now?"

Good. That's what Megumi needs.

"Stay safe!" he orders and clasps his hands together. "Technique Release: Cursed Energy Merge!"

Cursed Energy Merge is simple in concept, harder in execution. For Megumi, it means merging his own natural reserves of cursed energy and the reserves contained within Nue, Shiro, and Kuro; thus giving him more power. Unfortunately, combining your reserves with those of someone else is basically impossible unless that "someone" is one of your Shikigami. Even then, it's hard and some cursed energy is guaranteed to slip out.

But it's enough.

Megumi doesn't get angry. He holds a tight leash on his emotions, not letting them slip out or overwhelm him. Even when his temper flares, Megumi is quick to reign it in and minimize the impact. 

Emotions have to go somewhere, though. It's rare for them to just die down and fizzle away. Megumi always holds his close for fear of hurting those around him but, well. Where better to let loose than now?

He pulls out the stopper and lets it flow.

"You're not killing any of us today," Megumi whispers, forming a hand sign. Power starts to ebb and ripple within him like an ocean's waves; deceptively smooth and calm at first, but a storm brewing just beneath the surface. "You don't get to."

Yuuji and Nobara are his team and Megumi refuses to let them die like this. Megumi refuses to let them die, period; it's his team and to think a curse as pathetic as this believes they are so much as allowed to try - !

It's infuriating.

He feeds into it, then, nurturing the flares of protectiveness that surge up when Yuuji and Nobara are threatened into a roaring wave. "Three Swans and Max Elephant!"

Bansho's trumpeting cry merges with the shrieks of Sora, Kumori, and Yuki as they swarm out from his shadow. Megumi inhales a breath and he swears that, for a second, time stills.

Power infuses him, infuses them in a dizzying rush, adrenaline spiking as he pours the merged energy back into a single command. Megumi exhales and knows for certain; this battle is over right now.

"Storm From the Deep!"

Storm From the Deep; a combination that Maki had helped him come up with. With the winds churned up by Sora, Kumori, and Yuki and the flood of water from Bansho, Megumi's Shikigami were able to create a vicious storm resembling a hurricane, battering at their foes with the twofold force of wind and water both. Inumaki had been the one to come up with the overly dramatic name and Megumi had reluctantly ditched his original name of Hurricane at their insistence.

The vicious storm crashes through the cave, ripping apart chunks of the floor and destabilizing the Grade 1's lattice technique. For a moment everything is drowned out by the torrent, a gale tossing around cursed spirits like they were nothing but feathers. Megumi summons up the strength to yell, "Follow-up: Vortex!" and at his command his Shikigami change tactics, whipping the storm into a swirling whirlpool, smashing everything inside together with pure force until nothing remained but dust.

To his satisfaction, the Grade 1 remains intact; just slightly, several chunks of it scattered about. A cruel smile curls up on his face and he steps aside. "Kugisaki, would you?"

"Gladly," Nobara declares. She tosses down a straw doll on a chunk of flesh and levitates a nail using her cursed energy, raising her hammer. "Straw Doll Technique: Resonance!"

The nail pierces right into the doll's head and a spike tears through the Grade 1's own in a mirror of the doll. It shrieks and then dissolves in a flare of blue, exorcised.

Now they're done. 

"Wow!" Yuuji chirps. "That was so cool, Fushiguro! I didn't know you could do that!"

Megumi finds it in him to give Yuuji a small nod. "Good job, everyone," he says, running a hand briefly over Bansho's trunk to return him, then Sora, Kumori, and Yuki with a soft pat to each their heads. Now that the adrenaline has worn off, he's completely exhausted. Megumi sways a little and Yuuji places an arm around his waist.

He'll never admit it, but he freezes at the contact. Yuuji is warm and his arm provides a firm touch, branding a line of warmth into Megumi's lower back. It's rare that Megumi is ever touched in a way outside of combat.

It feels good.

"I'll write the report," he says, forcing himself to think about business instead of Yuuji standing next to him, instead of Yuuji's body heat, instead of Yuuji in general. "You two get some rest and eat something; don't think I didn't notice you didn't eat lunch, Kugisaki. I know Maki-senpai is cool but she's not a substitute for a proper meal."

"Hey!" Nobara complains, smacking him on the shoulder. "Shut up, Fushiguro!"

"Aw, don't be mean!"

"I'm serious," Megumi protests, ducking from another smack. "We exercise a lot and you need the energy! There's curry in the fridge I made for you, all you have to do is reheat it."

"You're so nice, Fushiguro!" Yuuji enthuses, throwing an arm around his shoulder. Nobara's expression twists into a frankly terrifying smile.

"Panda-senpai was right, you are the mom friend!"

Megumi's groan of "Not this again" is overshadowed by Yuuji saying, with far too much enthusiasm; "Oh my god, you're Mom-gumi!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Megumi demands over Nobara's explosive laughter. "What did you just say, Itadori?"

"Mom-gumi!" Yuuji says like an idiot with no sense of self-preservation. "You know, like Megumi and mom - "

"I heard perfectly well, trust me," Megumi grouses. "Just - that's horrible. Mom-gumi? Really? Have you replaced all your brains with cursed energy?"

A sharp cackle sounds out from Yuuji's hand and he yelps. "Hey! That's mean, mom!"

Megumi smacks him upside the head and then on the hand, when Sukuna won't stop laughing. "I'm not your mom!"

"But - "

"No!"

Yuuji's newly made nickname spreads like wildfire. 

Maki takes to calling him that whenever he does anything motherly or caring. Nobara and Yuuji tease him with it constantly. Inumaki doesn't even say anything other than onigiri ingredients and somehow he manages to convey it perfectly with a dry statement of "Tuna" or "Mustard leaf". 

Even Gojo and Okkotsu get in on the action which, well. Gojo he expected; Megumi's idiot teacher is practically a child himself. Okkotsu, though:

"I'm sorry, Fushiguro-kun!" Okkotsu yelps when Megumi summons Kuro and Shiro and commands them to go tackle Okkotsu. "Please don't hurt me? I'm Fushiguro's friend, right?"

Kuro and Shiro look back at Megumi. Shiro's tail is wagging. Kuro has her tongue out. Okkotsu is sprawled in a messy heap. Megumi has no sympathy whatsoever. He summons his Escape Rabbits, tells the leader (a bunny named Yama) that "Okkotsu-senpai wants to play, you can go play with him", and leaves Okkotsu to be swarmed by a tag team of overexcited bunnies.

Death by bunny cuddles. Megumi drinks his water and doesn't regret a thing.

He's lying to himself, a little.

Gojo likes to tell him that he needs to be more selfish, that Megumi needs to take instead of constantly giving. And Megumi will always stare at his hands, scarred from fights and weapon use, and wonder how he's supposed to do that. 

Be selfish. Isn't he already? Megumi has finally stopped his streak of falling back on Mahoraga; he wants to become stronger and he wants to win, preferably with his team and himself mostly intact. He's started progressing reliably again, exploring the depths of his technique further and refining his skills in combat. Compared to who he was before, Megumi is much, much better.

He says so, pointing out all the progress he's made; how he can actually keep up with Yuuji and his ridiculous (fine, it's attractive and never fails to fluster Megumi at least a little, shush Nobara) levels of strength in combat by virtue of flexibility and acrobatics, how he's gained better control over Bansho and summoned a new Shikigami (even creating a new move, too), how Megumi's flow and use of cursed energy has been improving in leaps and bounds ever since he unlocked his domain. How Megumi has fought Mahito, earlier that month, with Maki at his side, and actually won before Mahito was spirited away by a cursed spirit from pseudo-Geto. 

But Gojo shakes his head with a sunny laugh and ruffles Megumi's hair and says no, Megumi-chan, you need to care about yourself! You put so much attention towards others, Megumi, don't think I don't see it. What about you?

And Megumi had wondered; what's wrong with it? I'm fine, right?

Like I said, Gojo continues, be more selfish. 

It bothers him now, late at night; another nightmare has been keeping him awake, with the knowledge of just what pseudo-Geto's group had wanted to do and nearly been successful in. Thoughts run in circles in Megumi's mind; you were nearly too slow, too weak, Gojo could have been imprisoned. It buzzes in a constant loop in his brain and there's no way out of the feedback loop unless someone else can drag him out but Megumi can't let them do that.

Be more selfish, Gojo said, referring to Megumi's attention towards others but - how can he be, ever?

The curse of loneliness is how it eats away at him, boring a hole into his heart and rooting itself firmly there. Maybe it started with his father; Fushiguro something, a name Megumi can't even remember. He doesn't know what his father's name was, doesn't know what his father even looked like. And Megumi doubts his father knew him, either, or Tsumiki, with how much he was gone. 

Did his father know Megumi was awake, listening for the door to open? Begging silently in his heart for a scrap of attention, for someone to care? Did his father know Megumi was awake and still beneath their shabby blanket when his father looked into their room, the door opening near soundlessly, before sighing and leaving? Did his father ever know how much it hurt, to wake up knowing that his father was there and he hadn't even bothered to say anything to Megumi? Not a hello, not a how are you Megumi, none of it. Just a silent look from behind the door in a room that was quickly falling apart and nothing more, leaving Megumi's heart hollow and his little body shivering from a sudden cold; lack of warmth or lack of touch, Megumi doesn't know.

Knowing his father was going to sell him to the Zenin - something that probably should have hurt more but only left another cut on Megumi's heart and what was one more? - had only solidified the idea. People aren't going to care about you. You need to lean on yourself.

And time and time again, it proved to be true. You need to lean on yourself. Tsumiki couldn't exorcise curses; Megumi had to protect two people with the power of one and in their poor neighbourhood it was practically brimming with curses until Gojo spirited them away. The teachers at his school wouldn't do anything when Megumi was bullied so Megumi had to fight back on his own until they learned not to bother the too-small kid with spiky hair and teeth sharper than his tongue. The adults turned a blind eye when Megumi didn't have enough food, the other kids looked away when those who couldn't stand on their own like Megumi could were bullied. Even Gojo's offer of a shoulder to lean on came too late; by the time it happened, Megumi was too old and too jaded to accept.

He doesn't blame Gojo for not being there in his younger years. He had, once, but now Megumi can't. Gojo was only a teenager when he'd unceremoniously acquired two children; a heavy responsibility for anyone, but even more so for someone pressed into the role as the strongest. Gojo held enough on his plate already - too much, even - and there was no way he could take some of Megumi's burden without toppling over. And then where would they be? Nowhere, that was what.

It's a painful idea. Lean on yourself. Lean on yourself. Be your own pillar. So Megumi does, he can't bear himself to be a burden, he just can't. He stops going to Tsumiki for comfort at night, instead wrapping his arms around himself in a crude imitation of a hug and crying himself to sleep. He learns to cook so he can help Tsumiki in the kitchen. He cleans up after himself and makes sure never to leave a mess. But the insecurities worm their way deep into his soul.

Maybe they don't care because you're a burden.

Maybe they can't. Maybe you're too hard to care about. 

And Megumi... he's able to bat it away at first, convincing himself that people do care and they will even if he's too much but it keeps gnawing away at him until Megumi is too weak to resist and finally gives in. He is, isn't he? He's temperamental and antisocial and a grouch. He's constantly throwing himself into fights and shoving himself into unwanted places. He's too prideful. He's too insecure. 

So he helps other people, so he takes on their burdens and tries to ease them, tries to convince himself that they won't leave him if Megumi is just good enough, if he's helpful enough and strong enough. That's what it boils down to, right? He needs to be enough or he'll never deserve the affection, the kindness that he so craves.

It's a sin to covet and yet Megumi wants it so badly anyway. But he always stops himself, always holds it back and finds solace in his Shikigami; in Shiro and Kuro cuddling him at night, in Nue hugging him with his wings, in Orochi's cool scales and the bunnies' gentle presence and Sora's and Kumori's and Yuki's ferocity that drowns out his own grief. And that must mean he's fine... right?

Reliable, Yuuji calls him. Dependable. The words usually feel like a kindness but sometimes they feel like a curse. Why should Megumi need to be helped, after all? Someone as sturdy as him can surely stand on his own, right? 

Megumi, a feminine name that means blessing. How odd. Sometimes Megumi feels like he's the opposite.

It starts with Yuuji and in the end, it culminates with Yuuji.

Really, of all the ways Megumi could have his Ultimate Breakdown™️, he really thought it would be in private, preferably alone at night when everyone was asleep and he could cry into his pillow and pretend it was a person holding him instead of his own hands. Or, if it had to be dramatic and a public event, then it would at least be in a fight with curses where he could use his spiraling emotions to his advantage and feed them into his cursed energy. 

Not now. Not when he's in public; not when someone he holds in high esteem like Itadori Yuuji is around. For the love of god, Megumi really thought he'd have better control than this.

Really, he only has himself to blame. Megumi always knew this moment would come; everything has a tipping point and the only question is how long you can hold it off. Of course, Megumi is good at keeping everything at bay; years of practice have honed his skills well. But it's not always a matter of skill. No matter how much Megumi tries, there are factors he can't control and when the scales don't tip in his favour Megumi just has to take things as they come and deal with problems as they arise.

It starts with a nightmare.

A nightmare; a treacherous story woven by his mind, the manifestation of his fears and grievances. No matter how many Megumi has (a lot), he'll never quite get used to the sensation of panic roaring through his nerves, adrenaline infusing his bloodstream, everything building and building until it finally jolts Megumi awake.

This time he finds himself too late, useless, weak, unable to do anything but sit there and watch as his friends are massacred. Megumi jerks back into reality with Yuuji's scream of terror still ringing through his ears, accusatory stare burnt into the back of his eyelids. Sweat drips down his neck, his back, pools in his palms. His breaths seem to always come short of providing enough air.

Kuro whines softly, sensing his distress. Shiro snuggles close to his thigh. For a moment, Megumi stares at nothing as he tries to wrestle control over his senses. Inadvertently, thanks to his control slipping due to the nightmare, shadows have swallowed up half his room and he has to force himself to relax, to let the flow of his cursed energy simmer down to something calmer.

They're getting more frequent, now, and Megumi always has a hard time falling asleep after he's woken up. Kuro noses at his bare hip and Megumi pets her absently as he rolls off of his bed, absently running a hand through his hair. He's far too drained to put on a shirt and it's not like he's in his underwear, leggings are an acceptable form of clothing, so Megumi just walks straight into the shadows of his closet with Shiro and Kuro following behind him and pops out into the kitchen.

He miscalculates a little, though, a mistake that would never have happened if Megumi wasn't so disoriented, and accidentally walks out of Yuuji's shadow instead of the counter shadow where he'd intended to go. Half asleep, Megumi doesn't realize he's in the wrong place until he bumps into something.

Okay so that's not uncommon, per se, but that something is warm and big and Megumi can feel the cursed energy coming off of it if he concentrates and oh no Megumi recognizes that signature -

"Fushiguro?"

Megumi pries open one, then the other eye. Yep. It's the worst possibility; Itadori Yuuji in the flesh. He looks down and sees Yuuji's shadow beneath his feet.

It doesn't take a genius to put the pieces together.

Embarrassed, Megumi flushes from the point of his cheekbones to the tips of his ears. The shadows beckon to him and he's so, so tempted to just drop back into Yuuji's shadow and leave but Shiro barks in excitement upon seeing Yuuji, emerging from the shadows with Kuro right behind her, and the sound of Yuuji's delighted laugh as he crouches to pet them both is a soothing balm to the voices in his head.

Quietly, he drifts away from them and heads to pour himself a glass of water. He's a lot more jumpy than he would be usually so when Yuuji's voice pipes up again, this time closer than it should have been, Megumi nearly stabs him - when had he pulled out Inverted Spear of Heaven, anyway?

"Woah, Fushiguro," Yuuji laughs. His words are calm but Megumi can see the worry in his eyes, the slight shift of his cursed energy. Even if Yuuji had gotten much better, he still wasn't on the same level as sorcerers who had been practicing their whole lives. "Everything okay?"

Megumi drops Inverted Spear of Heaven back into the shadow and closes his eyes for a moment. Yuuji is both too close and too concerned for Megumi's spinning mind right now.

"Fine," he says. His eyes are still closed. "I just need some water."

"You don't look too okay," Yuuji says. He's still worried. Curse him. Megumi pours a glass of water for himself and drains it in one go. "Did something happen?"

"Nothing happened," Megumi says, a bit of bite in his voice. Shiro whines and nuzzles his hand. So does Kuro. "I'm fine, Itadori."

Yuuji shifts from foot to foot, twiddling his fingers. Megumi stares at him in mild confusion. The lingering fear from the nightmare is starting to wear off, swiftly being replaced by a bone-deep hollowness.

"Are you okay?" he finds himself asking. "Do you need anything? Is it a nightmare?"

"What? No, no, no," Yuuji says, waving his hands nervously. "Uh - do you need anything?"

"Why should I?" Megumi asks.

"Just - you don't look okay," Yuuji says and fuck, if Yuuji had noticed Megumi was off than he really was doing a horrid job at hiding it. In Megumi's defense, usually the only people who were down here at this time of night were Okkotsu and Yuuji. The former was either trying to recover from a nightmare or unable to sleep so Megumi could distract him by comforting him and the latter was usually always shaking off the after-effects of a nightmare and, well. Again, Yuuji was usually too distracted to pay attention to Megumi's own trouble. "Did something happen? Can't sleep?"

"It's fine," Megumi says, a little (a lot) more forceful than he should have. His emotions start to spiral out of his control and Megumi digs his nails into his palms, willing his technique to not slip out of hand. "I just need some water and I'll be okay."

If anything, Yuuji just grows more concerned and fuck it's bad. Megumi isn't supposed to be weak like this; he's supposed to be sturdy, to be strong, dependable. Reliable. But right now he's not and - what if Yuuji leaves?

Because Megumi doesn't know what he'd do if that happened. Somehow, he'd become so used to having others around him that the thought of them being split is unbearable and Megumi shouldn't have expected that they'd always be with each other, he shouldn't have thought that this could continue because it never does.

Why would Megumi ever be enough? 

"Fushiguro," Yuuji says and his voice is so, so soft that it hurts. "It's okay if you're unhappy, you know. You can ask for help."

Curse him. Curse him - how could he say that so kindly, how could Yuuji say such a thing as if he actually believed it - 

his control slips -

his cursed energy starts to boil over -

and the shadows start to surge.

"Really?" Megumi demands, hysterical, suddenly feeling trapped in his own skin and he needs to rip it off. "Aren't I supposed to be reliable, Itadori? That's what you always say, right?"

"What?" Yuuji whispers. "Wait, Fushiguro - "

His ears ring. The shadows twine around him and start to creep into new shapes; flowers, vines, silhouettes of animals lurking beneath, able to be summoned with a simple gesture. 

"That's what everyone says, right?" Megumi spits, drowning in his own darkness, in his own demons, panic and hysteria rising to a booming crescendo. "I'm strong. I'm mature. I can handle myself! I don't need help - I'm not weak, I'm not, I'm not!"

The irony of shadows is that Megumi needs a source of light for his technique to work. Moonlight streams in through the windows, through the slats in the blinds, and through his blurred vision he realizes his shadows are spilling out, twisting around them like a cage, reminiscent of his domain. Tears flow uncontrollably down his cheeks and Megumi doesn't know what to do so he laughs, every breath coming short and harsh, sinking to the ground. Kuro and Shiro growl and then whine, mirroring his fluctuating emotions. "I don't need help - I can't - "

"Why?" Yuuji asks. "Yes you can, Fushiguro, we all want to help you - "

"Don't lie!" Megumi screams and Kuro howls. "Don't fucking lie, I can't, I don't deserve it - "

"What do you mean?" Yuuji cries back. "Yes you do! Everyone does!"

"Not me!"

The shadows snap. Glasses shatter, shards spilling over the floor. Megumi thinks he might have dented the counter. He's not sure; all he knows is that his ears are ringing and they're going to leave. 

"No we're not!" Yuuji says and Megumi realizes distantly he said that out loud. "We're not, Fushiguro - Megumi - "

"Yes you will!" Megumi yells and suddenly a wave of calm washes over him.

Hasn't he seen this before?

They'll disappear; they'll pretend to be concerned but they'll disappear and stop caring, like everyone does. Hasn't Megumi spent years going through this? Hasn't Megumi learned by now how to deal with it?

"Everyone does," he says. When did his voice become so empty? "I'm nothing but a burden, Itadori. I'm not reliable or kind. I'm moody and antisocial and prideful. Obviously people are going to leave - " Yuuji's crying, no - "but it's fine, Itadori, don't worry about me. I've learned to deal with it. I won't break."

"Megumi," Yuuji cries and wraps Megumi in a sudden hug. Megumi flinches, stunned for a moment at the warmth that's wrapping around him, dispelling the ice around his shoulders. "You're not a burden, Megumi, you're the best person I've ever known, no one is going to leave - "

And the panic is back. 

"Then why?" Megumi says through a harsh sob. "Why didn't anyone care? It has to be my fault, I'm the - the common factor here, Itadori! Even my dad didn't care enough to stay! Fuck, I don't even know his name, Itadori, I don't even know what he looked like!"

"Megumi! Yuuji!"

More people? Megumi wonders. He's so, so tired. He just wants to run, run and never come back because Megumi doesn't have the strength to deal with being abandoned again.

He thought he was strong enough. He isn't.

And that's the problem, isn't it; Megumi isn't strong enough to handle his own problems, he isn't strong enough to hold himself up and who would care enough to help him? 

The fact is that Megumi wants the love and affection of other people more than he cares about himself. So he always holds it back, always forces himself to keep going even as he starts to succumb to the unbearable pressure.

"Itadori, what happened?"

"Why is Fushiguro crying?"

"Watch out for the glass!"

"Megumi - " and Gojo is there; Gojo who has inexplicably always been present but not there, not enough to satiate the endless thirst for love in Megumi's heart. "Megumi, what happened? Is it another nightmare?"

"You have nightmares?" Nobara asks and the surprise in her voice sends Megumi into a fit of panicked sobs, hysteria fraying the edges of his barely-there composure, tearing at his skin, his fingers, trying to pull himself apart. "No - what's going on?"

They're going to leave, the voices in his head clamour, grasping for attention, pulling Megumi deeper into his own head. They'll leave, they hate you, you're a burden, you're going to break and no one will be there to put you back together - 

Something cold is pushed into his hands. "Drink," he's told and Megumi's body moves without him needing to think, automatically reaching for the straw and taking a long sip. The taste of creamy strawberries spreads over his tongue and the sugar shocks him into a calmer state.

Inumaki is crouching in front of him, mouth and markings uncovered. "Stop," he orders and Megumi stops on command. "Calm down."

His mind clears. He takes a breath and finally Megumi feels like he can think clearly again.

Yuuji is next to him, hovering close enough for Megumi to feel his subtle warmth but not close enough to make physical contact. Nobara is being held by Maki, who is watching him with a worried look in her eyes. Okkotsu and Panda are just behind Inumaki. Gojo towers over them all; for once his eyes are uncovered and Megumi feels like he's being dissected.

The carton of strawberry milk, Megumi thinks, is very interesting.

"What happened?" Nobara is the first to say. "We heard you yelling and the glasses breaking. I thought it was an attack!"

"It wasn't," Yuuji says. His golden brown eyes, eyes the colour of sunshine, are filled with tears. "You don't actually think that, do you, Fushiguro? You don't believe we'd leave, right?"

It's like a chain reaction. Inumaki stiffens, eyes going wide. Okkotsu places a hand over his mouth. Nobara's and Maki's faces twist into identical expressions of shock. Gojo... he barely reacts but Megumi can tell he's surprised.

God, Megumi is so, so tired. "Can I leave?" he asks, voice hoarse, but Yuuji grips onto his shoulder tightly and that guarantees Megumi is stuck here. He can't go into a shadow with someone holding him, after all. 

"Not until I know you don't actually believe that," Yuuji insists. "We wouldn't, Fushiguro. We all care about you."

Unwillingly, tears fill his eyes again. What is he supposed to say? Megumi doesn't want to be dishonest, not in the face of all his friends, but they... they'd hate it if he told the truth. Silently he sips his strawberry milk and that's all the confirmation they need, it seems.

"You fucking idiot!" Nobara swears, breaking free of Maki's hold and diving forwards to crash into him with a hug. Megumi barely manages to save his container of strawberry milk before she's hugging him tightly. "We care about you, Fushiguro! Why would we leave, anyway?"

Because I'm a burden.

Because I'm not a good person.

Because I don't deserve it, because I'm not enough.

"You're not a burden," Yuuji whispers and hugs Megumi as tight as possible. There's a small round of gasps from those around him when they hear what Yuuji has said. Megumi opens his mouth to protest but Yuuji barrels right past him. "You're not, Fushiguro."

Then why? Megumi wonders. Why do people leave? Why don't they care?

It's the only logical option, he reasons to himself. What else would it be? People clearly preferred it when Megumi was quiet and self-sufficient and out of the way. 

By the look on everyone's face, they clearly don't like Megumi's current train of thought and he wishes he could vanish. Okkotsu steps up. "Are we a burden, Fushiguro?"

"No," Megumi says immediately. He enjoys helping them, no matter how much they tease him about it. Okkotsu's eyes warm and he smiles softly.

"Then why would you be?"

"Because - "

He stumbles over his words. Megumi curls his fists in frustration. Shiro whines and noses his cheek. "Because I'm supposed to be strong," he exhales. "That's what th - what you expect, right? Because of how I'm the 'mom friend'."

Because of how I'm so dependable, he doesn't say.

Yuuji seems to get it anyway, though, tearing up and hugging Megumi so tightly he swears his ribs crack. "I'm so sorry, Fushiguro! I didn't mean to make you feel that way!"

"Me as well, Fushiguro-kun," Panda says. "I won't call you a mom friend if it makes you feel sad."

"No, it's okay," Megumi says. His voice is hoarse. Megumi supposes that that makes sense. "Just... "

Just forget about it.

Just ignore me.

Just move on.

I'm fine.

"We're never leaving you," Nobara swears, her voice muffled by where her face is buried into his shoulder. "You're stuck with all of us. You hear? You're gonna have to deal with us for the rest of your life."

"We all love you, Megumi-chan," Gojo declares, obnoxious as ever, but the sincerity in his eyes is baffling. 

"No matter what," Yuuji agrees fiercely. 

"Group hug!" Gojo calls when the silence gets a bit too prolonged and everyone cheers, swarming Megumi. He lets out an undignified squawk, flailing, but Yuuji grabs him and pulls Megumi into his chest, effortlessly manhandling him into place as Nobara glomps onto his back and Inumaki burrows into his side. Kuro barks with glee as Megumi is squished under a pile of happy humans, one panda, and two shadow dogs. The strawberry milk is left abandoned on the floor.

Under the guise of wiping his face, Megumi closes his eyes and lets a few tears spill. Is this what a family is, he wonders? Is this how it feels? Love and care, no matter what?

(Maybe they've all lost their original families, but they can create a new one.)

(Jujutsu sorcerers might die alone, but that doesn't mean they need to live that way, does it.)

"I love your name," Yuuji sighs one day. He's threading his hands through Megumi's hair, a habit Megumi is fairly sure he picked up from Okkotsu. "Megumi." The syllables fall easily from his lips and Megumi has never been particularly fond of his name but when Yuuji says it his heart flutters. "It means blessing, right?"

"Yeah," Megumi says. "I'm not a blessing, though."

Yuuji pauses in the movement of his hands. His golden eyes are warm, so so warm; he's warm all over, counteracting the chill that was once present in Megumi's bones. Megumi never realized how much he missed physical touch until Yuuji came along. 

Sunshine, the counterpart to Megumi's shadow. Where would he be without light, after all?

"You're not a blessing," Yuuji agrees and Megumi's heart drops for a moment but then -

"You're my blessing," Yuuji murmurs and the way he says it makes Megumi sound like a gift, something precious to be treasured, to be revered instead of cast aside. 

"Shut up," Megumi says but it's fond instead of biting. Yuuji's hands spread warmth through his soul, leaving him content and satisfied. "You're so cheesy, sometimes."

Yuuji throws his head back and laughs and laughs and Megumi - he smiles, helpless under the face of Yuuji's effusive joy. "Aww, only the best for my boyfriend!"

They are, aren't they.

Megumi savours the taste of the word in his mouth. Boyfriend. 

About time, Nobara had said when Yuuji broke the news, grinning like a madman. Gojo had recorded the entire thing, that bastard. Maki and Panda had groaned and given Inumaki 500 yen each, having apparently lost a bet. Okkotsu gave Megumi a thumbs up and Nanami had just sighed.

"I'm so sorry on their behalf, Fushiguro. Try not to kill them."

"I won't," Megumi had promised, watching the water as it simmered on the stove. "I'm cooking right now. Orochi can do it."

He's happy, so much happier than he's ever thought he'd be. For once, Megumi doesn't feel guilty about it. He deserved his happiness, didn't he? Flaws or not, Jujutsu sorcerers or not, they all did. 

Be selfish, Gojo liked to say. Megumi reaches up, laces his hands around Yuuji's neck, and sits up to pull him into a soft kiss, bathed by the glow of the dying sun.

Finally, he truly is.

                                                                                                          end

Thoughts:

• Okay so usually I keep additional notes out of the actual fic portion, but there isn't enough room in the end notes. So I'm gonna do my obligatory-character-analysis over here and talk about my actual fic in the end notes.
• Megumi as a character is really, really interesting to me?? All things considered, he's been through some heavy stuff. Dad canonically absent and was gonna sell him to the Zenin, lived with his sister for a while before Gojo came along and was like "surprise!! Adoption!!!"
• I imagine that his technique manifested young and I am kind of pulling this out of nowhere but I also imagine he started to exorcise curses young, too. He has multiple Shikigami by the start of the story (dogs, snake, owl, toads) and obvious experience, so that means he has prior training. Megumi is also canonically the type of character who defends others (the whole beating up bullies thing), so why would curses be different?
• That sort of knowledge has to create a gap between you and others, right? Megumi is pretty introverted and part of that is def his personality but it would also be influenced by his surroundings. Growing up as one of the few people who could see/exorcise curses and knowing they are produced from negative human sentiment has to have a pretty big effect on people. Megumi is shown to be kind of cynical, so that's where I get that from. 
• Which is why I allude to him distancing from Tsumiki. They love each other very much but it's hard for them to understand each other.
• On Megumi's abandonment issues/insecurities: he's shown to be a very mature child in canon and from experience children who can manage themselves are usually left alone a lot. That creates a sort of expectation that you have to manage yourself and that you can't be a bother, y'know? Megumi has this trait.
• Megumi definitely has insecurities from his father's whole absentee parent schtick. I kinda combined my previous point and this one to make him feel like it's his fault and that he needs to be better/enough to deserve love and affection (absolutely not true btw).
• Gojo's parenting; look, Gojo was like nineteen when he "adopted" two children. Parenting is a hard thing but for someone like Gojo, who already has a ton of shit to deal with and does not have good parenting examples, it would be doubly as hard. I also imagine as the "strongest" and all that he has a lot of duties so it would be hard to be around for Megumi and Tsumiki. Not entirely his fault and Megumi here recognizes that because he knows Gojo but it would still affect him.
• As for Megumi's thoughts on his father, there is definitely bitterness there. I think because Megumi doesn't know his father nearly as well he would feel a lot more negatively towards him. 
• It is kinda the fault of the adults in this story for Megumi's whole world-view and abandonment issues but he should also have said something about his feelings. However, see above mature-child-expectations point as to why he didn't. 
• Megumi is touch starved, yes. I write his experience with it based partially on my experience with it. For me, I tend to feel kind of cold or like I'm missing something around my shoulder/back area, like it feels hollow ish. Usually I counteract this by hugging something or having a blanket around my shoulders (warmth and weight simulate the feeling of actual touch). It's something you get used to after dealing with it long enough (def applies to Megumi) but it has the nasty habit of hitting you at inopportune times. 
• Okay but mom-friend Megumi is a very personal hc of mine. He's the one with the most common sense in the first-year gang and he has more common sense than most of the second-years (and Gojo, too). I imagine the dynamic is something like Megumi exasperatedly but willingly trying to take care of his idiot gang ("look at those idiots - wait, those are my idiots" type of thing, y'know?)
• Also, they're all teenagers fighting eldritch horrors. Megumi is canonically caring and a kind person at heart. You cannot tell me all the characters in JJK are actually okay when they're going through the sort of crap even adults would find hard to deal with. Megumi definitely cares for them out of a sense of "I need to earn love" but also out of a very selfless sense of "I want them to be happy and you know what if no one else will I'll do it myself". It's a bit of both, but the root motivation is the second one.