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"Ah, come on," coaxed Jing Qi. "You can't still be mad at me." It seemed like his Little Toxin could, in fact, still be mad at him. Jing Qi sighed, he knew Wu Xi's nature. He could be very stubborn when he wanted to but the silence was really getting to Jing Qi. Stuck in this carriage for who knows how many weeks while he recuperated from his injuries, he was dying of boredom and Wu Xi refused to talk to him.
"You still won't say anything?" Jing Qi pouted. "My dear Wu Xi, please stop giving me the silent treatment." When there was still no reply, Jing Qi could only roll his eyes and complain, "Your beloved is going to waste away from your cold behavior."
Finally, finally, Wu Xi turned to face him, his brows drawn tight. "Beloved? You certainly don't treat me as if you were my beloved."
Jing Qi winced. Ay, at least Wu Xi was talking to him now. "You can't still be angry at me just because I-"
"You once said," interrupted Wu Xi as if he hadn't even heard what Jing Qi was saying. "You once said that you loved someone. Was it the Crown Prince?"
"He's no longer the Crown Prince but the Emperor now," pointed out Jing Qi.
Wu Xi glared at him so ferociously that Jing Qi thought that he resembled one of his poisonous snakes instead of a human.
"Little snake," he asked seriously, "Why do you think that?"
Wu Xi didn't react to the endearment, a sign of how upset he was. "Because you went back for him."
Jing Qi used his right hand to maneuver himself into a sitting position. He needed to look Wu Xi in the eyes for him to understand. "I didn't go back for him," he explained carefully. "I went back for Great Qing. I thought you understood that."
Wu Xi pushed a pillow under his back and Jing Qi smiled at him gratefully but his expression was still cold, as if he still wasn't convinced. Jing Qi had to explain things properly to this Little Poison, otherwise who knew what thoughts the kid would conjure up.
"I -" he sighed, this wasn't easy to say. "I went back because I owe Great Qing a debt. To help His Highness become the emperor, I had to do a lot of…..bad things. Things I didn't want to do but I convinced myself it was for the good of the people. Hurting a few to save a thousand, that is what I intended. But what good would all my schemes be if there was no Great Qing or no Emperor - all that I did to make His Highness the emperor, what use would it have been if he died?"
Wu Xi seemed to consider that but then he insisted, "You didn't answer my question."
"What question?" evaded Jing Qi although he knew exactly what question he was talking about. Sometimes he forgot how smart the kid was.
Wu Xi's face was blank. "Do you love Helian Yi?"
Only Wu Xi would dare call the emperor by his name instead of his title, it made Jing Qi feel fond and affectionate and made him want to tell the truth instead of more evasions.
"If-" Jing Qi couldn't believe he was actually going to do this. Now or never, he told himself.
"If I said that this was not my first lifetime," he said in a rush. "Would you believe me?"
Wu Xi looked slightly puzzled by the change in conversation but, without a single hesitation, he nodded. "Yes."
This kid, thought Jing Qi disdainfully even though Wu Xi's absolute belief made his eyes sting at the corner, just a little. "You-" he shook his head. "How foolish. Would you believe everything I tell you?"
"Yes." One word but the intensity in Wu Xi's eyes said a thousand more of love and trust and sincerity.
"Alright," said Jing Qu in resignation, now he had to tell the truth. "I'll tell you."
"In my first lifetime," he began, not meeting Wu Xi's eyes. "I loved Helian Yi. So intensely that you can't even imagine. He loved me back. Initially. But over time, the more I loved him and the more faithful I stayed, the more suspicious he got. I knew him too well, I did too much for him and then, even when he spent the night with others, I still loved him. He - just didn't understand how I could love him so much. With all his flaws. He didn't understand that I would have died for him if he -"
Jing Qi broke off. He hadn't expected to cry, it had been so long ago, seven lifetimes ago to be exact and Jing Qi had thought that all his emotions were closed off but describing it all to Wu Xi brought back the pain, and now tears were falling down his face. He felt something soft on his cheeks and looked up through the blurriness to see Wu Xi wiping off the tears. His calloused fingers were moving so carefully as if Jing Qi was something fragile and delicate, and Jing Qi wanted to protest, wanted to say that he had been through all sorts of suffering but the words wouldn't leave his mouth.
"Continue," said Wu Xi softly. "Please."
So Jing Qi continued, determined to finish it.
"He killed me," Jing Qi said flatly. His tears were drying up now and he was relieved, it happened so long ago, what was the point of crying?
"He killed me and even then I loved him. I spent my next five lifetimes chasing him."
"Do you," asked Wu Xi hesitantly, and oh, how odd it was to see the normally blunt Wu Xi speak in such an unsure manner. It made a kernel of amusement bloom in Jing Qi's chest and, strangely enough, it made him grin. Just a few minutes ago, he was crying and now- ah, Wu Xi could make him do the oddest things.
"Do you still love him?"
"No." But Jing Qi didn't stop there, he figured that Wu Xi deserved more than that and it was only fair to explain properly.
"I did love him for a long time, sometimes I even thought that I would never stop loving him, but-" Jing Qi paused, searching for the right words to explain.
"-But even a flower in love with the sun will wither without receiving any sunlight. I loved him for a long time without receiving anything in return and eventually my love faded. They say that there's such a thing as unconditional love but I don't believe in it. How long can you love someone unconditionally without receiving anything, even the slightest care or compassion? Your love will eventually, like the flower, wither away."
Wu Xi nodded, his expression complicated as if he was thinking about a lot of things. It made Jing Qi slightly nervous, he had opened his heart to Wu Xu, told him things that were long buried in the deepest, darkest parts of him and now he had exposed himself. What would Wu Xi think? Would he...still love him? Knowing that he had once loved someone else?
"Wu Xu?" Jing Qi inquired, "What are you thinking so much about? You're not going to go and kill the emperor are you?" He was referring back to when Wu Xi had declared he would kill anyone that Jing Qi liked. The memory made him smile but Wu Xi's continuous silence soon made it fade away.
"Wu Xi?" Jing Qi asked hesitantly. Wu Xi's head was tilted downwards and he could no longer see his face.
Wu Xi looked up and Jing Qi was shocked to see a lone teardrop trailing down his cheek. "Wu Xi?!" Jing Qi was alarmed.
"I'm sad," said Wu Xi, haltingly. "I'm sad that you suffered so much," and with that he threw his arms around Jing Qi.
Jing Qi stroked his back. "You silly child," he murmured affectionately. "It was my own foolishness that caused me pain. Me and him were not fated and yet I held on refusing to accept it."
When Wu Xi refused to part, Jing Qi continued, more than a little amused. "Little Toxin, it was a long time ago. All those feelings are distant now. What are you crying for, eh?"
After some more coaxing, Wu Xi finally drew back, looking at Jing Qi with a fiery determination. "I don't believe what you said about unconditional love. I will love you, Jing Beiyuan, unconditionally, for the rest of my life."
"Aiya, Wu Xi," Jing Qi admonished, "What a ridiculous child. You're so silly. Haven't you learned anything? You won't have to love me unconditionally because I already love you. I will always treat you well and take good care of you. Love me with conditions, because I too will require certain conditions when I love you."
"Anything," urged Little Poison. "Anything."
"Well first," said Jing Qi, enjoying himself. "You have to talk to me, you're not allowed to ignore me anymore."
Wu Xi frowned at him. "Fine," he said sulkily.
Jing Qi laughed and pulled him back into his embrace. "See how fast your expression changed." Before Wu Xi could protest or wiggle away, Jing Qi kissed him lightly. All you have to do is love me, thought Jing Qi, that's my only condition.
"I love you," he said when they broke away. "From now on my fate with Great Qing, with Helian Yi, with the past, is severed. From now on I belong to you and you to me."
"You better mean it," said his Little Toxin with a glare. "If you ever like someone else, I'll-"
"Yes, yes," Jing Qi interrupted, shaking his head. His Wu Xi would never change. "You'll kill them." He pulled Wu Xi back into a kiss before any more poisonous words could escape his mouth. His Wu Xi would never change and Jing Qi was looking forward to it.