Chapter Text
Takemichi did it.
He saved everyone.
After try and try, fail after fail, he finally did it.
Everyone he loved was happy, finding respectable jobs, marrying the people they loved, no death, no murder, no suicide.
This- this was the future Takemichi had longed for, the future he tried so hard for.
He was supposed to feel relief, supposed to be happy, proud of himself that he finally did it- but…
Why can’t he feel a thing?
Ah.
Their happiness had cost him his own.
It was alright, he thought.
This was way better.
He had no right to be selfish, not after causing so many deaths.
If this was what it would cost for them to be happy, he would gladly accept it.
Takemichi wouldn’t complain.
The nightmares would plague his mind every night. Waking up screaming, being doused with cold sweat was a feeling he was getting used to. Strange, he never had night terrors until now, even before he didn’t have this problem. Seeing the dead bodies of your friend could do that, the thoughts would sneer. He’d ignore it.
Time felt distorted.
Takemichi would more often than not check the date on his phone almost every morning he would wake, marking down with red X’s on his calendar each day that passed. Sometimes he’d feel anxious ( scared scared scared scared ) that he would randomly wake up and this would be all a dream ( you changed nothing this isn’t real ) but seeing the faces of his best friends would calm him. They were safe, happy, he did it.
Imposters. They are imposters. They don’t exist. They are dead.
The scar on his hand would be comforting. Sometimes people would look at it, wince and ignore it. Most people thought it was a painful memory, but to Takemitchi, it was proof that everything he went through counted towards something ( nothing nothing you suffered for nothing ).
“Takemichy?” Head snapping up, Takemichi looked at Mikey, who was staring very intently at him. “Sorry- what’d you say?” Smiling sheepishly, Takemichi rubbed his neck.
“I said if we could go another day to the mall, I have a therapy appointment later today.” Mikey said as Takemichi nodded.
After finding out about his dark impulses, he’d tried so hard to get Mikey help, and eventually Mikey finally started seeing someone. A tall, black-haired woman called Ryouta who Mikey loved to talk with, she was a serious woman but also was a perfect fit for Mikey.
“Yeah! That’s fine! I was planning on covering a shift for my friend anyway.” Takemichi would smile as Mikey pouted. “You’ve been taking on so many shifts lately! What happened to the whole ‘I hate my job!’ thing.”
Takemichi awkwardly laughed. Sure he had been taking on a lot of work lately (stupid DVD place, no matter how much he tried he still couldn’t change jobs, maybe it was a set in stone type of thing) but he didn’t mind, he wouldn’t reject the chance for more money.
liar liar liar you’re just trying to distract yourself coward coward coward
The thought of needing help terrified him. It’s not like Takemichi completely lacked self-awareness ( your ignoring us you can't face us coward coward ) he knew that having nightmares, random flashbacks of his friends dying, or being terrified of any type of firearms or loud noises that it would send you into a frenzy, probably wasn’t a good sign.
But he knew the limits of what he could say, if he went to therapy and talked about how ‘ oh yeah I travelled back in time to save my ex girlfriend and then my friends and ended up seeing my friends die right in front me and almost killed myself numerous times ’ was a straight ticket to no man's land. As much as he wanted to ( needed to) Takemichi would never. He didn’t want to get called crazy and delusional.
you are delusional, you're crazy, you're slowly going insane. every time you look in the mirror do you see yourself? every time you look at your friends do you see them? you’re breaking, you won’t be able to keep up the act much longer.
Takemichi felt a hand on his shoulder. Suppressing a flinch, he turned to see the worried look of Chifuyu. “You alright? You zoned out for a while.” Pressing his lips into a tight smile, Takemichi nodded. “I’m alright! Been tired from work.” “Yeah no kidding, you work even more than me, and that’s saying something.” Draken added, also giving him the worried side eye, though he was better at hiding it.
Takemichi stared at Chifuyu. “Did you change your hair?” He asked as Chifuyu raised his eyebrows. “No? Does it look different?”
imposter he’s an imposter this isn’t him he isn’t him he died he’s not here he’s an imposter he isn’t real hes not- Takemichi blinked.
“Huh. Might’ve imagined it.” Shrugging they went back to watching TV, the only moments they truly had to see each other. you’re ignoring the signs they aren't real you’ve changed nothing wake up
“Do you think Takemichi is acting strange?” Chifuyu asked Draken after he had left, the two being left alone together. Draken sighed, already having his own suspicions that everything was not as alright as Takemichi made it seem. “Wouldn’t be easy coming back to a new life after a second passed, but Takemichi is strong. If anyone could manage it, it would be him.”
“No doubt about that, it’s just…” Chifuyu seemed to be in deep thought. “He’s been zoning out, checking time like a hawk, he looks tired!” Chifuyu ran a hand through his hair, he swore he was going to die from stress caused by Takemichi one of these days. “It’s like I said-“ “It’s been months since he came back, he’s been the same ever since. He…” Chifuyu’s face looked dark, as he shuddered in a breath. “He asked me what year it was one morning. He called me frantically, I went over and-“ Pressing his lips together, “it looked like he didn’t remember a thing! Takemichi he- he looked like he didn’t even know me.” The memory pained him, seeing Takemichi’s usually strong fierce eyes being overcome with fear- with terror was a sight he’d never forget. Takemichi was shaking, the Takemichi he knew looked unrecognizable.
Draken seemed to take Chifuyu’s words heavily, a part of him wanted to think everything was alright; that he could ignore the very heavy issues but, the truth was that not everything was fine as it seemed.
Everyone was happy, but at what cost?
The cost of their beloved crybaby hero.
this isn’t reality
Takemichi looked at his ceiling, the heavy haze he’d been feeling these days seemed to grow each day. One moment he’d snap back into consciousness and realized the day had already passed, even if he had no recollection of it. Some days, the haze wouldn’t be as strong. He could still remember doing things but, it was like he was in the back seat of a car, just watching the road, his mind completely on autopilot. Takemichi felt like a doll on strings.
wake up
Eyes growing heavy; he sighed. Exhaustion ran deep in his bones, even after months of coming back he was still on edge, waiting for something to go wrong, he was always prepared to jump into the past to fix up everything again.
fix everything? you’ve fixed nothing. this is a dream, a simulation. this isnt real.
Tired and having work tomorrow, Takemichi yawned, getting ready to sleep. Even if he knew what horrors awaited him on the other side.
Takemichi found himself wandering outside at night sometimes, when the nightmares would leave him hyperventilating, gasping for air and disoriented he would come out. It was nice to feel the cold breeze pass by him, the silence and calm he felt. He’d look up at the sky and smile at the stars, thanking the universe for giving him a chance at this, a chance to see his friends laughing and smiling, a chance for giving them life. The cold air would pass by him, he’d shiver but- it felt warm.
He’d dangle his feet on the edge of the roof, enjoying the silence, he truly wished for no future other than this-
jump
Ah. There they were.
you don’t belong here you were never meant to exist
the thoughts seemed so loud, maybe it was because it was so quiet right now that they boomed in his ears.
you aren’t needed anymore just die
Takemichi smiled to himself painfully. He was no longer needed, everyone had found their own happiness. It was getting easier to distance himself. A part of him thought that it was because it was work keeping them busy but the truth was that Takemichi no longer had a place here.
you need to die you’ve done your part
die
die
die
you’ll never live the same
give up
you can give up now
As much as it hurt, they were right. He no longer had a purpose. Takemichi didn’t have to keep trying, he could take it easy.
easy?
nothing will ever be easy
just disappear
Thinking this was enough for the day, his teeth already clattering he stood up looking down at the ground, ignoring the thoughts that would urge him to jump.
Maybe another day, he couldn’t die yet, he had to make sure nothing went wrong.
you’re stalling.
“Hakkai! You’re finally back from London?” Takemichi's eyes widened at the sight of his friend, not having seen him in a while as he was always busy, they always did try to FaceTime but given his hectic schedule that wasn’t always an option. “Yeah! I’m super jet lagged though, god it was an experience. So many people.” Hakkai shivered.
Although he had gotten better at talking with women, he still looked like he had trouble communicating with them, a problem he was working out after seeking help. The abuse had already come to an end, but it was never forgotten, not by him or Yuzuha. Being a celebrity and all, Hakkai had to work on himself first than to ignore all of it by overworking himself to death. He was lucky to have a caring sister by his side.
you wish you had someone too you’re all alone, no one even bothers to look after you.
Takemichi shrugged off the thought, fine by him. He didn’t need people to worry about him, he was satisfied with how things were. It was alright, he’d repeat to himself.
Takemichi smiled, he really wished for no other future than this.
LIAR.