Chapter Text
“Would you like to visit the demon realm with me?” Shen Yuan asked, smiling at his son.
Shen Jiu’s adorable mismatched eyes, one green and one grey, were wide, barely blinking. He stood frozen, just staring at Shen Yuan, almost… almost like a little rabbit sighted by a predator. That was not the reaction Shen Yuan had hoped for, but he was sure that after Shen Jiu spent some time with him-
“Shen-shixiong?” Mu Qingfang called, coming over to them. “It is surprising to see you. I was unaware you are visiting.”
Shen Yuan smiled in greeting. “Ah. Mu-shidi. I was just-” The smile slid off his face when Shen Jiu darted away from him and over to Mu Qingfang, grasping his hand.
“Father wants to take me to the demon realm,” he said, squeezing at his fingers.
“Does he?” Mu Qingfang gave Shen Yuan a searching look, then his typical bland smile. “That is nice of him.” His tone hardly conveyed that, though. “Shen-shixiong, why don’t you come take a walk with us? Shen-shizi has agreed to help me gather some herbs from the bamboo forest. Once Liu-shixiong returns from his mission, I’m certain he would be willing to discuss arranging a trip.”
Shen Yuan blinked. Oh. Liu Qingge. Right, he should know as well. “Ah.” But… what if Liu Qingge objected? He could, Shen Yuan had been gone so many years, then after his return he hadn’t even written. He hadn’t known what to write, how to explain.
Shen Yuan pursed his lips, glancing at his son, at his A-Jiu. He only wanted to spend some time with his little one. “I had hoped-”
Mu Qingfang stepped closer, his voice lowering into a whisper. A very pointed whisper. “Shen-shixiong. Shen-shizi hasn’t seen you in five years. I believe he will be most comfortable with Liu-shixiong present.”
Perhaps Shen Yuan hadn’t thought everything through. He’d been so sure, so excited to have Shen Jiu with him. But he hadn’t really thought much about how Shen Jiu might welcome him. Shen Jiu, who looked at him like at a stranger and no longer called him ‘papa’.
“...yes. Yes, of course. You’re right, I… I just-” He looked down at Shen Jiu and gave a trembling smile. “I would love to join you today.”
- - -
His son was so smart. Shen Yuan had known this, had seen just how smart Shen Jiu really was, how hard he worked to achieve everything he had in his previous life. That trait proved true now as well. He watched, in awe and heart aching, as Shen Jiu flitted around the bamboo forest, finding the herbs Mu Qingfang needed with ease. He knew them by name, knew which to pick whole and from which they only needed leaves or flowers. Once or twice he happened upon a plant he didn’t know, and he asked so many inquisitive questions. Mu Qingfang answered each one, and Shen Jiu seemed to soak up the knowledge like a sponge, repeating some of the facts under his breath, already trying to memorize them.
Shen Yuan remembered a little boy that wanted to learn to read, looking up at him with big eager eyes. He also remembered how often he’d ignored the pleas or just put a book in front of him and told him to copy.
Shen Jiu had been so tiny, little fingers struggling to hold the brush properly. He’d tried so hard, so studiously, and Shen Yuan couldn’t remember if he’d ever even praised the boy.
Shen Yuan turned away, swallowing thickly. He pretended to look at a little squirrel scurrying around, though in truth he didn’t want Shen Jiu to see him cry. He dabbed surreptitiously at his eyes, forcing himself to keep his breathing steady.
They finished within a shichen, and it was far too quickly. Shen Yuan wanted it to keep going, wanted to keep watching Shen Jiu run around among the trees, eyes focused on his task. He’d always worked so hard, had had to work so hard. Even when he was tiny and had drawn squiggles all over Shen Yuan’s important documents, he always tried his best.
[“But papa, I only drew the prettiest ones!”]
Shen Yuan had to turn away again, and take several deep breaths. Mu Qingfang politely lead Shen Jiu forward, giving Shen Yuan a moment to compose himself. They moved slowly, walking from Qing Jing to Qian Cao at a leisured pace. The day was wonderful, sunny and with just enough clouds for some shadows to pass peacefully across the grass. It was a good place to grow up. As much as Shen Yuan had failed, he knew without a doubt that here Shen Jiu was loved. Liu Qingge had always been a good father, loving and attentive. The other peak lords had also been kind towards Shen Jiu, if only because he’d been a baby. Whoever could be mean to a baby?
Whoever could leave a baby crying in its crib because he’d been annoyed with having to deal with it? Whoever could take a gift their baby had made and throw it away like garbage? Or worse – smash it?
Shen Yuan could.
He had to turn away once more, dabbing at his eyes. He had made mistakes, true. He had been cruel and dismissive, neglectful and emotionally distant, he admitted it. But now things were different, Shen Yuan was different. He would not waste this new opportunity to form a proper bond with Shen Jiu. Even if it wouldn’t be a parent-child bond, Shen Yuan would be happy with whatever he could get.
He just wanted to see his little one grow up, happy and loved. He just wanted to see him achieve great things, all the things he should’ve been allowed to have in his original life.
That reminded Shen Yuan – he still needed to find where Shang Qinghua was hiding and discuss Shen Jiu’s backstory. Quite possibly through liberal use of Xiu Ya.
As they were nearing the main healer’s pavilion on Qian Cao, Shen Yuan was surprised to spot two familiar people making their way towards them.
“Ah, Qingqiu-shidi. Welcome.” Yue Qingyuan greeted with a pleased smile.
“So you really did come.” Qi Qingqi added with a wry expression. Shen Jiu ran up to her and grasped her hand, and giving it a tug as he chirped a greeting. She smiled down at him, giving his head a small pat. “I had hardly believed Ning Yingying when she’d notified us.”
She had? Shen Yuan hadn’t seen her, though it was curious that she hadn’t approached to say hello when she’d spotted him. “Zhangmen-shixiong, Qi-shimei.” Shen Yuan bowed gracefully. “Apologies for not visiting with you. I was hoping to spend some time with Shen Jiu.”
Yue Qingyuan nodded, his smile widening. “I’m sure Xiao Jiu will enjoy that greatly, won’t you, Xiao Jiu?”
But Shen Jiu didn’t answer. He frowned a bit when he glanced at Shen Yuan, still looking at him as if Shen Yuan was nothing more than a stranger. He didn’t seem enthused by the invitation at all.
Qi Qingqi glanced down at Shen Jiu, then raised an eyebrow at Shen Yuan. “Did you have any specific plans in mind?”
Shen Yuan blinked at the tone, almost pleasant if not for the disbelieving undertone still clearly heard. “Y- yes. There are many fascinating plants growing around the Southern Palace, I wanted to show them to Shen Jiu.”
“Ah, that does sound very fun. Shen-shizi does enjoy learning about new things.” Yue Qingyuan chuckled fondly.
Qi Qingqi did not look like she agreed. “By ‘the Southern Palace’, do you mean the one which you live in? The one in the demon realm?” Her tone was clearly disapproving now, and she tugged Shen Jiu closer to her side.
Shen Yuan raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Qi-shimei, I assure you it’s quite safe.”
Mu Qingfang moved to stand on Shen Jiu’s other side. “Shen-shixiong, the demon realm is quite dangerous. The demons alone are a great threat, but then there are all the poisons found in nearly every corner.”
Yue Qingyuan clicked his tongue at them, as if they were merely unruly children. “Mu-shidi, Qi-shimei. I am certain that if Qingqiu-shidi believes it to be safe, there is nothing for us to worry about. Qingqiu-shidi is the one who lives in the demon realm, I am certain he’s aware of any possible danger and has taken steps to ensure Shen-shizi’s safety.”
Shen Yuan nodded. It was true that the palace was filled with demons, and many of the plants in the garden often had adverse side-effects, he couldn’t argue with that. However, Shen Yuan knew just how to handle the plants to remain safe, and no demon would ever dare harm Shen Yuan’s son. Not if Luo Binghe makes it clear he is not to be harmed. If his Binghe so commands, no demon would dare step closer than three yards to Shen Jiu.
It would be perfectly safe for him. Shen Yuan was just about to explain all that when Liu Qingge arrived on Cheng Luan. He arrives so abruptly, a wave of spiritual energy blew over all of them, sending their robes and hair to flutter from the strength of the blast.
“Baba!” Shen Jiu ran over to him. Liu Qinghe leapt off Cheng Luan and swung Shen Jiu up into his arms, cuddling him close. Shen Jiu wrapped his arms around his neck, giggling sweetly when Liu Qingge pressed a kiss to his temple. The smile he had when he gazed at Shen Jiu could only be described as loving and radiant.
Very different from the expression on his face when he turned to Shen Yuan. “So it is true. You’ve come for a visit.” He did not set Shen Jiu down, and instead settled him on his hip. The boy shifted a bit, looking completely comfortable as he swung one little foot back and forth.
Qi Qingqi snorted. “Did Ning Yingying send you a message butterfly?”
“She did.” Liu Qingge did not look away from Shen Yuan. Well no, that was untrue. He looked away only to smile at Shen Jiu before focusing back on Shen Yuan.
Yue Qingyuan cleared his throat. “Liu-shidi, we weren’t expecting you until later. Have you finished your mission already?”
“Yes. I beheaded the demon and left my disciples to deal with the rest.”
“Will they manage?”
“They have to.”
“...yes, of course. I’m sure it will be a good learning opportunity for them.” Yue Qingyuan gave another bland smile, arms folded behind his back. “Qingqiu-shidi was just telling us about his plans with Shen-shizi.”
Liu Qingge frowned. “What do you mean ‘plans’?” Shen Jiu rested his head on Liu Qingge’s shoulder, still watching Shen Yuan. His little face was still a blank, no recognition nor affection nor resentment in his gaze. If anything, Shen Yuan thought there might be a spot of anxiety lurking in his mismatched eyes. Shen Yuan was painfully aware that he was still, technically, a stranger to his son, his darling boy who he had put through so much. But he wanted to change that, was willing, eager, to work on being a proper parent, supportive and loving.
So he smiled, the kindest, most encouraging smile he could put on. “I wanted to take A-Jiu to the demon realm, show him around our gardens.” It was a good plan. He could bond with Shen Jiu over the plants, introduce him to his Binghe, do all sorts of things! Shen Jiu was sure to enjoy himself.
Except Liu Qingge didn’t appear to agree. He scowled, his face twisting with anger. He moved one leg back, angling his body to move Shen Jiu away from Shen Yuan, shielding the boy partially from view. “You’re not taking him to that cesspool of danger!”
Shen Yuan blinked, too startled to speak. Yue Qingyuan tutted at his side, his tone that of delicate disapproval, one he always opted for when annoyed. “Now, Liu-shidi. Calm down, this is no reason to raise your voice.”
Shen Yuan blinked when he noticed both Qi Qingqi and Mu Qingfang wincing, before glancing briefly towards Liu Qingge. Who did not calm down. If anything, his scowl deepened, lips pursing into a tight white line. Shen Yuan winced himself when he noticed Shen Jiu’s little hands were clenched tightly against Liu Qingge’s robes, and the mismatched eyes watching Shen Yuan were much more fearful now, no doubt responding to Liu Qingge’s anger.
Shen Yuan wanted to go to his son, to hug and cuddle him, to chase away his pain and fears. But how could he do that when he was the cause?
Qi Qingqi snorted under her breath, startling them both. “Liu-shidi, let’s go inside and discuss this privately.” She put her hand on Liu Qingge’s arm, giving it a pat. “We’ll sort this out.”
Liu Qingge remained tense, though he did give her a nod.
Mu Qingfang put one hand on Shen Jiu’s little shoulder. “Shen-shizi, why don’t we leave these peak lords to speak?” He smiled kindly at the boy. “You could help me prepare the herbs we’ve gathered.”
Liu Qingge glanced at him, then knelt down, placing Shen Jiu back on his feet. “Go with Mu-shidi.”
Shen Jiu did not release his hold on his baba’s robes. “But-”
Liu Qingge’s touch was gentle as he pried Shen Jiu’s little fists loose. “Go. I’ll find you later.”
Shen Jiu pursed his lips stubbornly, looking fully prepared to keep arguing. But then Liu Qingge pulled him close for a hug, lips resting against his forehead in a loving kiss.
Shen Jiu relented with a pout. “Okay, baba.” He pressed a kiss of his own against Liu Qingge’s cheek, then took Mu Qingfang’s hand. He allowed himself to be led away without a fuss, though he did keep looking over his shoulder.
Liu Qingge watched him go until he and Mu Qingfang disappeared inside the pavilion. He stood then, his fierce scowl back on his face. He crossed his arms, eyes fixed on Shen Yuan, lips curled downwards in disapproval.
Shen Yuan swallowed thickly. He was an immortal cultivator thus didn’t sweat, but he couldn’t stop the phantom sensation of pinpricks all over his back.
- - -
Yue Qingyuan smiled, raising his hand in a placating gesture. “Liu-shidi, I can appreciate your apprehension, but I am certain there is nothing for you nor Xiao Jiu to fear. While the demon realm can be a dangerous place, consider who Xiao Jiu would be traveling with. I see no basis for your reservations, if I am being truthful.”
Shen Yuan nodded. He was the famed Xiu Ya’s sword, a powerful and talented cultivator. “I can assure you, Liu-shidi, that I will keep Shen Jiu by my side the entire time. My skills are well-known and I am consort to Luo Binghe as well – no demon would ever dare do anything to cross either of us.”
Liu Qingge did not relax his stiff posture – his arms remained crossed, his brows remained fixed in a scowl.
Yue Qingyuan smiled at Shen Yuan. “Besides, think of all the benefits Xiao Jiu would gain from renewing his relationship with Qingqiu-shidi. Only good things can come from knowing such a powerful and well-connected person.”
Qi Qingqi rolled her eyes discretely. “A-Jiu is ten, he’s hardly going to be impressed by power and connections. And do consider that this entire situation has to be startling for him. He hasn’t seen Shen-shixiong is over five years, Shen-shixiong hasn’t even written to him since he returned months ago. Then Shen-shixiong just appears one day and wants to whisk him away to a place that he’s only ever been told is filled with dangers and frights.”
Those… were excellent points.
“Uprooting him like that would not be beneficial to him. I expect it would only cause a resurface of his night terrors.”
Shen Yuan flinched. His baby suffered from night terrors?
Yue Qingyuan frowned at her, lips pursed into a disapproving line. “Qi-shimei, we can’t in good conscience just separate Qingqiu-shidi from Xiao Jiu. It would be cruel.”
This time, Qi Qingqi’s eyes roll was not subtle at all. “I never said anything about keeping them apart. There is a middle ground to be found, Zhangmen-shixiong.”
“And that would be?”
“For a start, going slowly. Not taking A-Jiu away from places he knows and feels comfortable in. Having someone A-Jiu is familiar with be there when Shen-shixiong visits, to act as a mediator if things aren’t going well.”
Yue Qingyuan nodded, a placating smile once more on his face. “An excellent proposition, but hardly one that is necessary. Qingqiu-shidi is Xiao Jiu’s loving father. A decision such as this can only be made by the parents.”
Qi Qingqi’s brows furrowed in displeasure at him. “Parent. Liu-Shidi has been raising Shen-shizi alone for the last five years. I doubt Shen-shizi even remembers Shen-shixiong.”
Liu Qingge scowled harder. “He remembers enough,” he said, his tone very nearly a growl.
Shen Yuan swallowed thickly and looked down at his lap. He forced his hands to unclench from his fan, worried the wood would snap from how hard he was gripping it. It was becoming more and more apparent that, in his eagerness to see his baby again, he hadn’t actually thought through everything he should’ve.
Yue Qingyuan did not seem to notice. He turned to Liu Qingge, that expectant bland smile once more on his face. “Well, Liu-shidi? It’s your decision.” He gestured towards Shen Yuan, as if he was presenting a great treasure, expecting it to be admired. It made Shen Yuan feel strange, goosebumps on his arms.
Liu Qingge snorted openly, scowl still on his face. “No. It’s A-Jiu’s decision. If he wants to keep seeing you, I will agree to that visitations with somebody supervising idea Qi-shijie had.”
“Thank you, Liu-shidi.” Shen Yuan said, bowing his head in gratitude. Perhaps supervised visitations would be best. Five years is a really long time, especially for a child. His thoughts returned to Shen Jiu’s blank eyes, staring at Shen Yuan as if he was a stranger.
Liu Qingge glared at him. “I don’t need your thanks. I will be expecting a proper apology to A-Jiu for leaving like you did. And I expect you to explain yourself to A-Jiu as well.”
Shen Yuan blanched, and Yue Qingyuan gave a disapproving shake of his head. “Liu-shidi, you are being unreasonable again. Xiao Jiu is far too young to understand such adult matters. What’s done is done. Mistakes have been made, but what is important is for us to forgive, forget and more forward.”
Shen Yuan blinked and turned to stare at Yue Qingyuan. Is that the idiot reasoning he’d used to keep his A-Jiu in the dark all those years? Was that the reasoning he’d hid behind when he’d allowed his baby to believe he’d been abandoned by the only family member he’d ever loved?
Shen Yuan felt as if something disgusting was crawling all over him.
Liu Qingge turned his glare at Yue Qingyuan. “So you expect me to just ignore the fact that A-Jiu blames himself?”
Shen Yuan flinched, hands clenching so hard on his fan the wood cracked under his fingers. “He does?” No, it couldn’t be. His baby couldn’t think that it was his fault, how could it ever be his fault?
Liu Qingge gave him a hard look, then look down with a deep sigh. “He always does, as if he was some kind of horrid scum that can only ever be bad and do wrong.” Shen Yuan was going to be sick. “He blamed himself for your leaving, for how you treated him, for others mistreating him.” Liu Qingge paused, fingers tapping against the table. He was staring at Shen Yuan, his expression still angry, but also begrudging. “A-Jiu attends special treatment for the spirit with Mu-shidi’s head disciple, and he has been doing better.”
Yue Qingyuan, with the eagerness of denial, latched onto that last part. “If he’s doing better, why bother opening old wounds?”
“Because they’re filled with pus and need to be drained!” Liu Qingge hissed, and Shen Yuan flinched again. He was that pus, wasn’t he? He certainly felt like pus. Fetid and festering, poisoning his baby and twisting his life into one filled with pain and neglect.
He watched numbly as Yue Qingyuan waved a dismissive hand. “Liu-shidi, I am certain that you are exaggerating. I am certain that Qingqiu-shidi is not to blame for Xiao Jiu’s problems, he is his father. I am certain that Qingqiu-shidi has only Xiao Jiu’s best interest at heart.” He gave Shen Yuan a reassuring smile, but Shen Yuan could only stare back, chest frozen with the pain of realizing just how deeply he’d hurt his son. His baby didn’t even remember him, yet still his soul was hurt, bleeding from the wounds Shen Yuan had so selfishly left.
Both Qi Qingqi and Liu Qingge snorted this time.
“He’s hardly shown it.” Qi Qingqi raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “First he abandoned the boy for five years, then when he came back he ignored his existence for months. Not one visit nor letter. Nothing. That doesn’t look like someone with best interests at heart, other than their own.” Liu Qingge nodded, his glare still sharp.
Yue Qingyuan gave them both a disapproving look. “Now, shidi, shimei. You are being too harsh on Qingqiu-shidi, he’s surely been very busy these last months. I am certain that Xiao Jiu would like nothing more than to spend some quality time with his father.”
Father, not papa, little A-Jiu had called him, staring at him as if Shen Qingqiu was a stranger. Because he was a stranger. A selfish, horrid stranger. He should leave here and never darken his baby’s doorstep again. But… but he was still selfish. He still wanted to be in his baby’s life, to see A-Jiu grow and blossom, surrounded by caring, loving people.
He just wanted to know his son.
Shen Yuan pushed down his tears and sat straight. “Zhangmen-shixiong, Liu-shidi is correct. I have been away for a long time, made much longer in the mind of a child. I will follow any guidelines and requirements Liu-shidi thinks are necessary.”
“Qingqiu-shidi, that hardly seems-”
“I insist.” Shen Yuan interrupted him, then looked to Liu Qingge. “I have made many mistakes and I openly admit to them. I will be grateful for any opportunity I am given.” He tried to convey his earnestness in his tone. Even if Liu Qingge allowed him only one visit per year, Shen Yuan would be grateful. This time, Shen Yuan was not going to put his wants first. A-Jiu should come first, should always come first.
Liu Qingge gave him a long look, always as if he was peering into Shen Yuan’s very soul. Whatever he found there, he nodded. “Fine. I’ll contact you when A-Jiu has made his decision.” That said, he stood up in one smooth move and walked out of the office.
Qi Qingqi drained her cup of tea and followed, nodding to both Yue Qingyuan and Shen Yuan as she passed.
When the door closed behind her, Yue Qingyuan turned to face Shen Yuan. He placed his hand on Shen Yuan’s tightly clenched fists, giving them a squeeze. “Xiao Jiu, are you quite certain? I am sure we could’ve negotiated better terms.” He looked so earnest, so worried for him. Did he extend the same worry to Shen Jiu? Yue Qingyuan called Shen Jiu ‘Xiao Jiu’, just as he called Shen Yuan. Did that mean that that he saw his baby as a replacement?
“I am certain, Zhangmen-shixiong.” Shen Yuan shifted his hands from under Yue Qingyuan’s under the guise of inspecting the crack in his fan. “I am certain.”
- - -
Liu Qingge stomped his way to Qian Cao, face tight from how much he was scowling. He did not like this. He did not like this at all. He hadn’t like that Shen Qingqiu had just left them like he had five years ago, and he didn’t like that Shen Qingqiu thought he could just saunter back into his prince’s life as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. Coming unannounced, talking about taking A-Jiu to the demon realm, scaring him. Liu Qingge didn’t like it, not one bit. He shuddered to even think about what might’ve happened if he’d returned just a bit later, just a bit too late to stop this insanity. A-Jiu always blamed himself for everything and tried so hard to not cause ‘unnecessary problems’, so he probably would’ve gone along with Shen Qingqiu, all the way to the demon realm. Who knows if he would’ve even survived such a trip.
Now was not the time to think about that. If Liu Qingge did, he would just get angry. More angry. And A-Jiu got so very upset each time he saw Liu Qingge angry, believing it was his fault. He always believed it was his fault. The hurt like a stab through his heart each time.
Liu Qingge clenched his teeth and took several slow, deep breaths, putting his anger aside for later. Meditating would be best, but he wanted to get to his prince as fast as he could. Once he was sure he had a good grip on his emotions, he continued on his way.
Once on Qian Cao, he circled around the main healing pavilion, towards where Mu Qingfang’s private laboratory was situated. After picking plants, that was usually where Mu Qingfang and A-Jiu could be found, experimenting or brewing up medicine. It was where Liu Qingge found them this time as well, each working on their own tasks.
Mu Qingfang looked up when Liu Qingge entered the laboratory and placed down the knife he’d been chopping some roots with. “A-Jiu, your baba is here.”
A-Jiu glanced at Liu Qingge, then looked back down to his mortar and pestle, still grinding some leaves into a paste. “I’m not finished yet.”
Mu Qingfang’s brows knitted together at the dismissal, so uncharacteristic for the polite boy A-Jiu was. “A-Jiu,” he called, his tone softly disapproving, and A-Jiu’s shoulders rose up to his ears.
Liu Qingge flicked his hand and sat down by the door. “It’s fine.” If his prince wanted to finish his task, then Liu Qingge would not interrupt. Zhu Bang, A-Jiu’s spirit healer, said that in times of great emotional turmoil one might cling to any semblance of control, whether it meant looking immaculate or completing any task. And Liu Qingge was sure that Shen Qingqiu’s sudden arrival had unsettled his prince. It would certainly make sense, considering Liu Qingge definitely felt unsettled himself.
It’s been four months since Shen Qingqiu returned from the dead. It’s been four months of knowing Shen Qingqiu was alive and well, and not once had Shen Qingqiu attempted any contact. No letter, no messenger, no nothing. But then, suddenly, Shen Qingqiu just decided to pop over and turn everything askew.
“It’s fine,” Liu Qingge repeated, smiling reassuringly at first A-Jiu then Mu Qingfang. “I don’t mind waiting. It’ll give me a chance to think a little.”
A-Jiu stopped and turned to look at him, blinking those gorgeous mismatched eyes of his. One grey like Liu Qingge’s, the other green like Shen Qingqiu’s, but they shone in a way entirely unique, a way entirely A-Jiu’s.
“If you’re sure, Liu-shixiong,” Mu Qingfang said slowly, giving Liu Qingge a searching look.
“I am. It’s fine.” It certainly wasn’t, but he wasn’t going to unload all his thoughts and feelings onto Mu Qingfang with A-Jiu in the room like this.
“Would you like me to brew some tea, baba?” A-Jiu asked, stepping away from the mortar, his leaves half way to a thick paste.
“I always want your tea, my prince.” Liu Qingge grinned at him. “You always make it more delicious than anything.”
A-Jiu let out a sweet little giggle, then grabbed the pot, heading straight to where Mu Qingfang kept the good tea.
Mu Qingfang watched him leave, then knelt down by Liu Qingge, lowering his voice into a whisper. “How did the talk go?”
“Well enough,” Liu Qingge sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “Qingqi says Qingqiu looked honestly sorry.”
“That’s a good sign.”
“Qingqi thinks so too.” Liu Qingge worked his jaw side to side. He could already feel his anger bubbling up, just under his skin. Which was not good, and Qi Qingqi always said to just change the topic if he ever felt like that. “Was A-Jiu upset?”
Mu Qingfang glanced towards A-Jiu, currently measuring out the tea for the pot. “He was upset for a little bit, but I gave him some tasks and it got his mind off of it, I think. He was a bit quieter than usual, but we can’t blame the child, considering.”
No, they could not. Liu Qingge was fairly sure they could blame Shen Qingqiu, though.
- - -
They arrived at their home on Bai Zhan nearly a shichen later. Liu Qingge was not looking forward to the conversation they had to have, but it was necessary. Also probably best to just get it over with.
“Come on, A-Jiu.” He called, placing the little jar with the leaves A-Jiu had so thoroughly ground down into a paste on his desk. Mu Qingfang assured him they were excellent for bruises, so they were sure to come in handy. “We have to talk about your Father.”
A-Jiu pouted at him, brows pulled down low. “I don’t want to.”
Liu Qingge could certainly understand that. “Me neither, but he’s come back so we have to.” He sat down by their table, waiting patiently for A-Jiu to sit as well. He did so after a moment, if reluctantly. “Okay. So.” Liu Qingge paused, frowning at himself. “Where should I start?” he muttered to himself, trying to gather his thoughts into some semblance of order.
A-Jiu beat him to it, his smart prince. “Do I have to go with Father to the demon realm?”
Liu Qingge frowned. “Do you want to?”
A-Jiu didn’t answer. He looked down at his hands, clenched into fists in his lap.
Liu Qingge pursed his lips, sending a scowl in the direction of Shen Qingqiu’s peak. It might’ve been better if he’d stayed away for good, but he was back now and there was no point in dwelling on that. “If you want to visit there, we can go together. But if you don’t want to go, then you don’t have to. Shen Qingqiu can visit you here.”
“Father will?” A-Jiu looked up, eyes wide in surprise.
Liu Qingge nodded. “That’s what we agreed on. He’ll come here or to Qing Jing or where ever you want. Qi Qingqi says the key is for you to be comfortable with the place.” A-Jiu nodded, contemplating his options quietly. Liu Qingge patted his head. “And you won’t be alone with him. You’ll be with me and somebody else, like Qi Qingqi or Mu Qingfang, they’ve already agreed.”
“Not Yue-shibo?”
Liu Qingge’s expression darkened. “I doubt he’d be able to stay objective.” Not after he’d argued for Shen Qingqiu so stubbornly today. It so often seemed as if the man had an obsession, and it barely extended past Shen Qingqiu and official sect business. Even with A-Jiu. Nearly every interaction the two had was Yue Qingyuan talking at A-Jiu about Shen Qingqiu, giving him a sweet then wandering off. A-Jiu didn’t dislike Zhangmen-shixiong, but he certainly wasn’t a fan either. “Never mind him. The point is, you have to decide whether you want Shen Qingqiu to visit us.”
“I have to?”
“Absolutely.” Liu Qingge nodded, arms crossed over his chest. “If you don’t want to, then it won’t happen, and Shen Qingqiu will go back to the demon realm. Alone.”
A-Jiu grew quiet again, looking down at his clenched little fists.
Liu Qingge cocked his head to the side, trying to see his prince’s face. When he couldn’t, he cocked his body to the side, curling his torso to the side. “Do you want Shen Qingqiu to visit you? If you want it, I will arrange it. Like I always tell you – if you want it, I will make it happen. Remember when we went sliding on the frozen lake up North?”
A-Jiu nodded with a smile and a giggle, his sour mood momentarily forgotten. “You fell a lot.”
Liu Qingge rolled his shoulder with a playful wince. “I can still feel the bruises.”
A-Jiu giggled again, just as sweetly. He grew quiet once more then, staring at Liu Qingge for a short moment, then back to his hands. He then climbed over the table and towards Liu Qingge. Normally his prince would never do that, as it was ‘unbecoming’, but Liu Qingge still opened his arms wide, gathered A-Jiu into his lap, cuddling him close.
A-Jiu was quiet for long moments, pressing close to Liu Qingge’s chest, his little ear pressed just above Liu Qingge’s heart. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, soft, barely more than a whisper. “What do you think I should decide, baba?”
“Whatever I think, that’s between me and Shen Qingqiu,” Liu Qingge told him firmly. “You have to make up your own mind.”
“Can I think about it some more?”
Absolutely, the longer they could put this off the better. “Of course. We can send Shen Qingqiu a letter once you make a decision.”
- - -
The following day, Shen Yuan received a letter from Liu Qingge. The letter was short and to the point:
A-Jiu has agreed for you to visit us. You may come over tomorrow at wei hour. Qi Qingqi has agreed to supervise.
Liu Qingge
Shen Yuan had nearly cried upon reading it. It was a second chance, he was going to be allowed to watch his baby grow up. If he didn’t fuck it up. He would never do that on purpose, but he knew so little of his little one, he didn’t want to say something wrong or do something to upset him. Like he had the day before. This visit had to go perfectly, he had to be perfect. He needed to be the best he could be, the actual best and not just what he thought Shen Qingqiu would be. He had to do well.
- - -
Shen Yuan arrived on Bai Zhan promptly at wei hour. He felt a little jittery, just standing in front of Liu Qingge’s house, waiting for someone to come invite him in. His chest felt full with hope and tight with nerves. He was dressed in one of his favorite robes – it wasn’t stiffly elegant but it was comfortable and the shade of green was one Shen Yuan had always liked best. He wanted to look his best and make a good impression, but he also didn’t want to look too stiff and unapproachable. Shen Yuan just wanted this to go well, please oh please. He just wanted to be in his baby’s life.
Finally the door opened, and Qi Qingqi stood in the doorway.
“Punctual as always, Shen-shixiong.” She stepped back with a nod. “Come in. The tea should be just about ready.”
She lead him deeper into the little house. Shen Yuan was surprised by how different it looked. He couldn’t say he’d visited it often, but now it seemed he hadn’t visited at all since Shen Jiu had come into their lives. The walls were covered in framed artwork and delicate calligraphy. There were several cabinets filled to the brim with little teapots, matching and non-matching teacups, little figurines. They were beautiful. The level of skill varied greatly – there were little stick figures hanging next to a detailed portrait of Qi Qingqi, which in turn was placed next to a gorgeous painting of Liu Qingge. The teapots were also like that – smooth painted ones with traces of tiny fingers left in the clay as it hardened to a beautifully sculpted teapot with leaves and vines and flowers carved right into the clay.
It was like looking at the passage of time. The artworks weren’t placed in any particular order, more like a splattering of art all over, as if Liu Qingge just hanged them wherever he happened upon a wall. He’d always been so proud of everything and anything Shen Jiu made. The first time Shen Jiu had presented him with a piece of paper with a colorful blob on it, Liu Qingge had cried and hugged their son tightly to his chest. Shen Yuan had never been proud of anything Shen Jiu had made. Shen Jiu had been so talented even as a little boy, but Shen Yuan had never praised him, too filled with misplaced hatred and resentment. He remembered that little teapot, beautiful in its careful, loving details, laying smashed all across the floor.
Shen Yuan swallowed thickly, eyes still roaming all over the walls and all the art. He drank it all it, not wanting to miss a single detail. It was impossible, though, this was years of artwork all at once. Shen Yuan felt his regret so strongly, standing there and staring at his baby’s talent. One picture in particular caught his eye – it was of two handprints – one tiny and one large, and Shen Yuan felt a stab at the heart that he would never get an opportunity to have something like that. Shen Jiu was still small, but he was already so big.
Shen Yuan missed out on so much. In all ten of his little one’s life, Shen Yuan missed out on so much. But he could not think about that, not here, not now. If he did he would start crying and he had to make a good impression. This was only one visit, he needed it to go well if he were to be allowed a second.
“Shen-shixiong.” Liu Qingge greeted him, sitting at a little table. Shen Jiu sat next to him, clasping his hands in a polite greeting.
“Good morning, Father.”
Shen Yuan smiled and gave a proper bow. “Liu-shidi, A-Jiu. Thank you for having me.”
“Sure.” Liu Qingge nodded, then gestured at a pillow placed at the opposite side of the little table. “Sit.
Shen Yuan did. Qi Qingqi sat as well, taking the spot between them.
Once then were situated, Liu Qingge gave Shen Yuan a hard look. “First thing first. Explain why you’d behaved like you had and why you had treated A-Jiu like you had.” Shen Jiu dropped his gaze to his lap and his politely folded hands.
Qi Qingqi gave a small sigh. “Blunt as always, Qingge. But perhaps it might be best to discuss that. It would certainly clear the air for the rest of our time together.” She turned to Shen Yuan, staring at him expectantly. “Shen-shixiong?”
Shen Yuan swallowed thickly. He had been dreading this. How could he possibly explain it all? The System, his transmigration, this original plot. It was an impossible task, to put that entire mess into words that would not break Shen Jiu’s heart and not make Shen Yuan look like an insane person.
“I- I am sorry. I- I cannot explain it in any way that will make sense.”
Shen Jiu glanced up at him, brows furrowed and lips pressed tight. It was clear he wasn’t pleased with that answer. No one would be. But how could Shen Yuan even explain it?
Then Shen Yuan thought of Yue Qingyuan. He’d never explained either, just kept apologising. An apology is useless without understanding what lay behind it. If one doesn’t have that, they will come up with a reason themselves. Yue Qingyuan had come back too late, Shen Jiu had already been gone. Yet instead of saying that, he’d kept silent, allowing Shen Jiu to believe he’d been abandoned to be abused and tortured. That the only family he’d had had turned his back on him the first chance he got.
If Shen Yuan didn’t explain, properly, would Shen Jiu also think of a reason by himself? Liu Qingge had said that his little one already blamed himself. How could he ever stop without understanding that the fault lay squarely with Shen Yuan?
Shen Yuan swallowed thickly again, hands clenching tight. “I… you…” He huffed in frustration, not knowing how to say it, but knowing he had to. “The way I treated you, A-Jiu, is my fault. It was wrong but I was too blind to see it.” He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “I saw in you a man I knew when I was young. He’d been… I hated him. Each time I looked at you, I saw him. Even when you were a baby, I saw him. And I kept projecting my animosity onto you. I- That is my fault, my failing. I deluded myself that it was not so and I mistreated you horribly. For that I know I will never be forgiven, no matter how sorry I am. And I am truly sorry. Words cannot express just how sorry I am for treating you as I had.”
Both Qi Qingqi and Liu Qingge were staring at him, brows furrowed. Shen Yuan could feel them judging him, seeing him for who he was or at least had been then.
Shen Jiu was also frowning, but his expression was more distrustful and unsure. “What changed?” he asked, his mismatched eyes trained on Shen Yuan. “Why now?”
Ah, his darling little one. His smart, inquisitive son. He was judging Shen Yuan as well. “… I dreamed of you,” he admitted, his voice soft. “During these last five years, I slept and dreamt of you. I...” He had to pause briefly, tears welling up in his eyes. “I realized just how…” Shen Yuan had seen it all. All the suffering, the cruelty of both people and fate. His darling baby had been through so much, then Shen Yuan had heaped more onto his tiny shoulder. The tears came harder now, and his throat felt tight with grief, so tight it felt as if he would choke. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can keep repeating it for the rest of my life and I know it will never be enough, it will never erase the hurt I have caused.” He turned away, covering his face with one of his sleeves. He swallowed thickly, wiping away the tears. “But… but I would like to… I just want to get to know you, little one. I just… I would love it if you allowed me to visit you, from time to time. To spend some time with you, to get to talk with you. If you’d let me, I mean.”
Shen Jiu’s frown had lessened, though the corners of his lips were still tilted downwards. “...you wanted to take me to the demon realm.”
“Yes, for a visit.” Shen Yuan nodded, a small hopeful smile on his face. “I remember you liked flowers and plants. There are many interesting plants in the demon realm, I thought we might go see them together.”
Shen Jiu stared at him, his gaze unflinching. He looked so much like the original Shen Qingqiu had, full of doubt and distrust because he’d been betrayed at every step.
Then, Shen Jiu turned to Liu Qingge. “Should I pour the tea, baba?”
“Sure.” Liu Qingge nodded, and all three of them watched as Shen Jiu got up and went into the kitchen.
Shen Yuan wasn’t sure what this meant. A refusal? Was it a dismissal? Should he leave? Shen Yuan didn’t want to leave, oh please, oh please.
Qi Qingqi leaned closer and gave his knee a little pat. Shen Yuan glanced at her and stayed seated.
- - -
The time passed slowly and far too fast. Before Shen Yuan had realized, a shichen had passed. It wasn’t a pleasant shichen, filled with awkward conversations between him and Qi Qingqi, with an occasional grunt from Liu Qingge. Shen Jiu didn’t speak much at all. He answered Shen Yuan’s questions with a shrug, sometimes a very short answer. It was very disheartening, but Shen Yuan kept reminding himself that this was just the first (oh please, let it the ‘first’ and not ‘last’) visit, and he certainly deserved this treatment. An apology did not wipe the memories of his actions away, Shen Yuan knew that. He had to respect it and go at Shen Jiu’s pace. Shen Yuan certainly didn’t want to overwhelm him. He had so many questions he wanted to ask, he barely knew his baby at all, there was so much he wanted to learn about his darling son. But Shen Jiu barely looked at him, barely answered, barely acknowledged him.
This wasn’t going well, was it?
Qi Qingqi set her teacup down with a little clink.
“It is getting late. Shen-shixiong, isn’t it getting rather late?” She gave him a pointed look, then stood up.
Right. Right, they had agreed that the first visit shouldn’t be too long. “...oh. Yes. Late. I… I should be going.” He stood up slowly, reluctantly. He shouldn’t impose himself, shouldn’t force too much onto Shen Jiu, but… but... “Will I…” He swallowed, hands clenched tight against his robe. “Can I return? For another visit?”
Liu Qingge’s lips curled unpleasantly, but he didn’t answer. Instead he turned to their son. “A-Jiu? What do you think?”
Shen Jiu was staring at Shen Yuan again, in that intense way he had before. Suddenly, he stood up, back perfectly straight and chin held high. “I want to give Father something,” he declared.
“Oh!” Shen Yuan couldn’t have stopped his grin even if he’d tried. Screw decorum. “I would love anything from you, little one!”
Shen Jiu ran out of the room. He was gone for but a moment, then returned with a little something wrapped in a handkerchief. He handed it over without a word, nearly thrusting it at Shen Yuan.
Shen Yuan unwrapped it carefully, revealing… a clay shard. It was pearly white, a childish drawing of a tree spreading its branches across the cracks and chipped edges.
Shen Yuan knew this shard. He still remembered that little pot, made so painstakingly, so lovingly for him. He still remembered the pile of shards he had turned it into.
His baby had seen it. His baby had known.
Liu Qingge stood up, moving closer to Qi Qingqi and peering at the shard. “Did it break while you were getting it?” he asked, but Shen Jiu didn’t answer. He was staring at Shen Yuan, waiting.
And Shen Yuan was crying. His eyes were so filled with tears he could barely see the tree. He traced a thumb along a little branch, all the way to the edge. Half of it was missing, and what was left was cracked, chipped, dulled with age. But he could still see the care Shen Jiu had put into it. He had tried so hard to make Shen Yuan something pretty.
His darling baby was so talented. He was perfect and Shen Yuan was a fool.
He cradled the shard close and gave Shen Jiu a trembling smile. “It’s beautiful,” he said, voice trembling. “I know I never said it, but it was always beautiful. Thank you, A-Jiu. I will treasure this.”
Shen Jiu pursed his lips, giving Shen Yuan one last long look. Then he nodded and darted over to Liu Qingge’s side, pressing close to him. Liu Qingge immediately wrapped his arms around him, carding his fingers through Shen Jiu’s hair.
Shen Jiu had his face pressed against Liu Qingge’s side, hiding his face from them all. But they all still heard him when he mumbled. “Father can come again.”
Liu Qingge looked very confused but nodded. “...all right…” Shen Yuan felt so happy he thought he might faint.
Qi Qingqi nodded at them both. “How about next week? That should be enough time to process things.”
“Yes, of course.” Shen Yuan grinned, tears streaming down his face for an entirely different reason. “I will be returning to the demon realm for a bit, but write to me with the date and time, and I will be there no matter what.”
“I’ll send something tomorrow.” Liu Qingge said, lifting Shen Jiu up into his arms.
“Thank you, Liu-shidi. Goodbye, A-Jiu. Thank you for this visit.” For this second chance, for his trust, for the shard. “Thank you, little one. Would it be all right if I wrote a letter to you during this week?”
Shen Jiu didn’t answer. He wrapped his arms around Liu Qingge’s neck, hiding his face against it.
“That’s a no, I think.” Qi Qingqi patted Shen Yuan’s shoulder. “I know you’re eager, but give it a bit more time.”
She was right, of course. It was important not to impose himself, not to overwhelm his son. Thus, heart heavy with disappointment yet warm with hope, a jagged shard cradled lovingly against his chest, Shen Yuan left.
- - -
Shen Yuan considered the placement of the little shard with extreme care. He had initially wanted to place it in the middle of the room, but he didn’t want one of the servants bringing him his meals to accidentally knock it down. It was so fragile, old and cracked and speckled with blood from tiny fingers picking it up. His darling baby had kept it all these years, the only memento he’d had of the father Shen Yuan had been. It would now serve as a reminder to Shen Yuan – of who he had allowed himself to become, the hurt he’d dealt to a defenseless child. It would remind Shen Yuan of the oath he’d sworn never to harm his little one again, remind him to be a better parent, a proper father. The shard deserved a proper place.
Perhaps on his desk, where Shen Yuan could gaze at while he worked. Ah, but his desk was often piled high with papers and treaties of all kinds. And Shen Yuan could get so lost in his work. No, the desk would not be a good spot. Too much of a risk of an accident.
The same for the little table by his bed. His Binghe got carried away in the midst of passion, their bed moved often from the strength of his thrusts. No, by the bed was not a good place.
After much consideration, Shen Yuan decided to send for a little dais, as well as a little golden stand. He placed the dais right by the entrance to the inner garden, but out of direct sunlight that would bleach away the swirling little branches painted on the shard. Shen Yuan draped a silk handkerchief over the golden stand then placed the shard on it, tucking the sharp little edges securely against silk and gold. Last he placed a talisman at the base of the dais, to secure both it and the precious item atop it.
Shen Yuan took a step back, gazing at the little shard, now safe in its new home. There it would remain, a reminder of what kind of father Shen Yuan had been and of what kind of father Shen Yuan wanted to be. Had to be.
Shen Jiu had agreed to more visits. Shen Yuan must not let down this little kernel of trust he’d been given. He took a shuddering breath, tear-filled eyes not once looking away from the delicate little branches stretching out against the cracked clay.
“A-Jiu is very talented,” he informed Luo Binghe, his voice wavering only slightly. “I’m sure you’ll like him.”
“Of course.” Luo Binghe wrapped his arms around Shen Yuan’s waist, pressing a small kiss against the side of his neck. “He is Shizun’s son. How could I not love him?”
Shen Yuan closed his eyes as his tears finally brimmed over. He didn’t stop smiling, though.